Fu#kin' Theme Music

Oh, that Robert. Only the incomparable R. Kelly could set off an album with such a bold and direct statement. Just six seconds into the first track no less. As direct and crass as that line may be, it’s always been the perfect theme music for any wild sexcade.

See, if I’m in the mood to put in some aggressive work in the bedroom, I gotta mess with my man R. Kelly. I’m sorry, TP-2.com in particular is a dangerous album to have on repeat in the company of a ready, willing and able female. Forget his pee-pee problems and underage dalliances for a moment (I know it’s hard for some but bare with me), the brother makes some good fuckin’ music. And I do mean fuckin'.

While Kellz sets the tone perfectly from the opening refrain (“Hit it hard from the back....”) I don’t even start this album from track one—I’ll save that for the finale when the CD comes back around on auto-repeat for that one. I always start TP-2.com off with track four, “The Greatest Sex.” That's my own personal foreplay anthem right there. Not only is it a well-written ode to your perfect lover, as a late December Baby I take pride in Rob’s reference to a Capricorn being the one that will dwell inside of your walls and fish your body all night. All I gotta say is this album has some definite baby-making music on it and, in my humble opinion, no other Kellz album has matched up to those standards thus far. TP.3 Reloaded was atrocious, but I do have an advance copy of Kelly’s next album, 12 Play: 4th Quarter, and it’s a problem—and I mean that in a good way.

Now don't think me a hardcore bedroom bully type, because that’s not my style on the regular but we all know we have those days, and those albums, that you just wanna do the do raw and uncut. So that’s not to say that I can’t set the mood for a passionate and tender night as well. Back in the day, I used to set it off on a much tamer side with my man Joe's 1997 album, All That I Am. (Most folks remember Joe for his smash single, “Don't Wanna Be a Player,” which was featured on this album). My ex and I would rock out to that album religiously, and whenever I popped that bad boy in the CD player, she knew what was about to go down—me, her, the sheets and maybe a few walls. All That I Am just perfectly captured where I was in my life at that particular time. Prior to meeting my then-girlfriend, I was a hopeless romantic looking for love in all the wrong places and all the wrong waists. So tracks like “All the Things (Your Man Won’t Do),” “How Soon,” “Good Girls,” and “No One Else Comes Close” would definitely get me in the proper mood for making love not fuckin’.

As I've gotten older, though, I’ve found it harder to find one specific album I can play from back to front that can capture my aggressive mood or my tender side. So I’ve resorted to making my own personal iTunes playlists dubbed the “Bunz Mixx,” which contains key tracks like Jodeci’s “Feenin’,” Keyshia Cole’s “Love,” Carl Thomas’ “Special Lady,” Ne-Yo’s “Say It” and Michael Jackson’s “The Lady in My Life,” among a host of other old school and new school bedroom classics, to get the job done when I'm in a particularly frisky mood.

But now it’s time for a little role reversal. Since I’m going on this 30-day fast and will be abstaining from sex, alcohol, and any other temptations, I’ll need to live vicariously through y’all for the next few weeks. (30 in 30 begins this Tuesday, September 2, 2008) Being that this is a long weekend and I figure someone, somewhere reading this will be getting some over the next three days; I was just wondering if folks had the same issues finding a solid album to get it on to nowadays? What albums do you use to set it off? If you don't have a complete album, what songs will definitely get you in the mood to say, hit it hard from the back…?