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DAY ONE: The Untold Fact 2/90

Posted by NWSO • September 2, 2008 • Printer-friendly

I always told myself that I never wanted to be in this position. I never wanted to be faced with this decision. But here I was standing in the middle on 42nd St. ear to ear with my greatest fear. This wasn't the phone call I was expecting while waiting for my date to arrive. In fact, when the caller and I last spoke some two months ago, we promised each other we'd never speak to each other ever again. But here was her name on my caller ID.

Inhale.

"Hello?"

"What up?"

"Nah, I'm not home. I'm out."

"What do we have to talk about?"

“We can’t just talk about it now?”

“I mean, it must be important if you're calling me..."

"You already ruined my night ’cause now I'm gonna wonder why you called. So you might as well just say it."

"What?"

"You sure?"

"Aiight, uhm, yeah, I guess we do have to talk. Face-to-face would be best, I guess but I'm out and won't be home ’til late."

"Okay, I'll call you some time tomorrow night."

"Aiight, bye."

(Click)

Exhale.

It's funny how I was standing in the brightest place in the world, where the lights are on 24-7, and still felt as if I was in total darkness. In a matter of seconds, my good mood, my good night, and potential good date was ruined. There was now a cloud of worry, doubt and confusion hanging over my head where the bright lights of Times Square were supposed to be. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I normally plan for everything, but I didn't plan for this. How could I, when I never wanted to be in this position and never wanted to be faced with this decision?

Why now? If this had happened two years ago or even just three months earlier I may have felt different. But now, after we've reached a point where we can't even speak? Fuck! I'm not supposed to be here. Stuff like this isn't supposed to happen to me, but here I am stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place.

My only saving grace was that my date did in fact go well. I just momentarily put the previous conversation to the side and buried it behind other emotions. There was nothing I could do about that now anyway, so I might as well enjoy the company of my new boo. She and I ate, we talked, and although I slept with a heavy head that night it was by her side.

Inhale.

"Hello?"

"How you doing?"

"So, I guess we gotta talk about this."

"How did this happen?"

"You know what I mean, it's been a while and the numbers don't add up..."

"Look, I ain't say all that, I just have to ask."

"Nah, I'm just saying though..."

"No, that's not what I'm saying."

"Well, this is a shock to me too."

"Look, I'm not trying to start an argument with you, I just wanna get the facts straight."

"Okay."

“Yeah, I’m listening.”

"Uh, huh."

"Word?"

"Nah, I hear you."

"So what do you want to do now?"

"Me? Shit, I don’t know. I never wanted to make that decision."

"Yeah, I know but...."

"Nah, that's not an option."

"I guess we could..."

"Or we could do that."

"This is all pretty sudden, I really don’t know. I guess we gotta think about it."

"Uhm, alright. Just call me if you need anything. If not, I’ll just call you tomorrow."

"Okay, goodbye."

(Click)

Exhale.

The next few days were consumed with more darkness. I felt numb, upset, confused and worried. I was unsure of everything and I had no one to turn too. No one to confide in. This was my cross to bare and my shame to carry. Fuck! I never wanted to be in this position and never wanted to be faced with this decision.

Inhale.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how do you feel?"

"Yeah, I know dumb question."

"How did you get there?"

"Oh, okay, how did she feel about everything?"

"That's good I guess."

"Besides that did everything go alright?"

"Okay."

"Really? I didn't know it would take that long?"

"They had to do all that?"

"What did he say?"

"Okay."

"How long before you get back to normal?"

"I mean, do you need anything?"

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yeah, I know that."

"I'm sorry I couldn’t be there.”

"This wasn’t what I had planned for us."

"I'm sorry if you took my initial response the wrong way. You know I didn't mean it that way, right?"

"Okay, well I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I guess... I don't know… I’m sorry."

“I mean, what else can I really say.”

"Uhm, okay. Well, I guess I'll let you get some rest then."

"Yeah, just call me if you need anything."

“Feel better.”

"Okay, I'll just let you go now."

(Click)

Exhale.

30 in 30, and this is just Day One. Stay tuned...

Tagged as: Conversations, decisions, Real Life, Real Talk, Relationships/Love, stress

http://ifuxwitit.blogspot.com/ Janee TMB

You are brave for posting about this but I wondered, what with all the drama and all -- how come you only gave your side of the conversation(s)? I know we could easily read into what was said but I just think once you decide to put it all out there why tiptoe around it.

Have you ever read Ernest Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants"? It's done similarly, without ever saying the A word but there are so many more details there that convey the situation. I think similar detail would have made this more interesting.

Another thing I wondered was why you didn't accompany your ex to the procedure.

That's all from me for now. Good luck with the fast.
http://ifuxwitit.blogspot.com/ Janee TMB

Link to "Hills Like White Elephants"

http://www.moonstar.com/~acpjr/Blackboard/Common/Stories/WhiteElephants.html
Anonymous

I understand why you'd be hesitant to post something like this. It's so personal and you leave yourself open to judgement and criticism but this is good stuff. Keep going. Oh, and you might want to eat more in the morning. My Muslim friends fasting for Ramadan really throw down in before sunrise. I'm talking chicken, green, rice, black eyes peas. If you eat a larger meal in the a.m. it will make getting through the day a little easier. Enjoy the journey!
distinguishedgentlewoman

Hey NWSO:

I don?t know anyone, male or female, who would tell you that they enjoyed being in that position. It?s easy to make choices when you're sitting in front of a TV debating the pro-life choice. You pretty much feel like you know where you stand during a verbal debate. But when the ish is personal, it's a whole nother ballgame. But face it my friend, life happens; things don't always go according to our plan. You just have to pray that the decisions you make are the right ones for you and that things will work themselves out in the long run.

I kinda agree with janee tmb. Woulda been nice to have gotten the other side of the conversation. Because you sounded kinda cold and remote only giving your side. I would have also wanted to know why you didn't accompany her to the procedure. It took guts to post something this personal, but I would have liked for you to have gone all the way and also let us know what you were feeling beneath the surface. We always get the sistas' POV when something like this happens. Here you are, a male, talking real to us about your experience. But I would have liked for you to go a little deeper.
http://funkyminds.blogspot.com/ jackpot aka H.D. aka Desckabaisses

I'm bout to step out the office and grab some Micky D's. Want a quarter pounder, pause?
I_LUV_FOOTBALL

I really enjoy your blog. You have inspired me to join you in your 30 in 30. Keep up the great writing.
http://dopepenmanship.com/ lucky

"How long before you get back to normal?"

wow...thought that was funny, not to make light of this

I actually like this format, with only your part of the conversation. makes you realize you dont need to know the whole entire story to know what's happening and get something out of it (lke hw yu cn stll rd sntncs wtht vwls. lol). and its your point of view. nice.
anonymous

i think the fact that he only showed his side of the convo is for suspense and for the readers imagination of wander a little. that was good writing technique, i'm lovin this blog

and that was very, very personal. one of the few situations in life where u cant have a pre-judged answer to it.
http://www.myspace.com/bedstuyhustler Deka

damn this is day one? mannnnn
j STARR

Knowing you, this is conversation probably has nothing to do with what we think it does. I know you usually throw curveballs methaphorically.

I agree with a previous, poster that you should eat more in the a.m.

I kinda want to go on a 30 in 30 too but not sure what I love so much to do, or am willing to sacrifice for 30 days straight..lol.
Cypha

Wow my dude, and this is just day one.

It's deep, like one of the situations where anything you say comes out wrong, anything you think about comes with the feeling of guilt, and no matter what you do it's never enough considering what she has to go through.

Not that us men deserve all the sympathy, but for any one with half-a-heart, it's just a situation that weighs heavy.
hope2Star

Wow, DAY ONE is deep. And I like it! It would be interesting (like other bloggers have said) for you to have gone into more detail since we normally only hear about women in these situation. But I completely understand why you didn't divulge too much.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/07922128201567577297 MsBRG722

(socialangst.blogspot.com)

I actually think this post is better one sided, perhaps because as a woman it helps to personalize the conversation. I can become a part of the conversation because her words and feelings are supplied by me.

Great way to start.
So Social

I love your blogs, but I think that your reaction was cold..
For a woman it is just never that simple. You don't walk in, take a seat, wait your turn, sit on the table, wait for the anesthesia to kick in, wake up groggy and walk out. It is emotionally draining.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/16145614924246887651 The Fury

This was honest blogging. I haven't been there myself, but I feel you and feel for all involved.
http://www.nubiamag.com Cari

Regarding the first comment, why is he brave. He is not the person who has to deal with the stigma of the situation, he went on with his date while I am assuming she "took" care of it. Brave is not the word I would use. Brave is not my first thought. My first thought is that women have the burden in this world, we have to bare the harsh reality of our actions while men are able to have fun with the new boo, bitch about not wanting this to happen and move on with life thanking the Lord that they didn't get stuck with that "chick" for life--so brave no not the word I would use. But all-in-all opinions are like a-holes, everyone's got one.

BTW Keep it up, I may not always agree but I love the posts...it's real
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Cari

I think she meant "brave" in regards to putting this out there to be judged not necessarily my actions or lack there of.

Aside from that I hear exactly what your saying. But I don't think anyone really "moves on" from such an experience, male or female. Of course, the person that physically goes through it is going to have a harder time in that situation, though.
Ms. Phat Booty

WOW, that was powerful. You were raw and honest in your reflection. I really enjoy reading your writing. Reading your work has allowed me to reflect on decisions I've made in the past tucked so far away that my therapist (who is excellent) has not hit.

THANK YOU
http://sinfullyo.blogspot.com/ sinfulLyo

you made me cry. thanks for this post though, it got me to thinking...again. ahh how i hate men :/