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DAY FOUR: Dear, Father (The Realest Sh** I Ever Wrote) 11/90

Posted by • September 5, 2008 • Printer-friendly
PRELUDE: I really didn't want to pull anything out of the archives for this blog marathon, but based on the response to YESTERDAY'S POST, I felt it would be unfair to all those that commented and shared their stories of paternal pain to not go into the relationship with my own father a bit further. See, I've been scared to call my father for years and that's what yesterday's post was about, tapping into that fear and how I felt. But late last year, I finally mustered up the courage to pick up the phone and confront my father. The blog below was written that same day and retold the emotion-filled conversation. I wrote it in the moment and it contains some typos, but I wanted to document my emotions in their entirety and decided not to correct them. Here is that blog again in it's unedited entirety.

December 30, 2007 

Not sure how to start this one. It's been a while and it's gonna get emotional, so I'm just gonna wing it and write from the heart...No edits, no rewrites, no going back.

So today I finally confronted my father. It's been something I've talked about doing for years. Anyone that's had a real life conversation with me knows I carry a lot of hurt in my heart because of the lacking realtionship with my father: A man I've never felt comfortable calling Dad or any affectionate term of that nature. I've instead relogated him to the distinction of Sam, which isn't even his name since we both share the same name. Well, the last time I saw Sam was over eight years ago when I traveled to California where he resides for the past several years for a business trip. Needless to say, the reunion—after a 10 year gap—was not the best and I decided to mentally cut him off after I traveled across country and when I revealed my desire to have a meal I was instructed to go off on my own in this unfamiliar city while my father stayed and hung out with his friends. I WAS CRUSHED. After 10 fuckin' years, and thousands of miles, I was forced to eat a Subways sandwich by myself. When I called my then girlfriend to tell her the news, my only words were, "This dude is wack. Fuck him!"

Despite my declaration, I failed to tell my father face-to-face to just fuck off. I just bottled it up and carried on. But that shit ain't healthy. It made my heart heavy and is probably a major part of why I've avoided a serious relationship with a woman for so long. There have been some great ones and some fake ones over the years, but I believe my heart was too filled with pain and dissapointment from my father to allow anyone else in there to do more damage or actual healing. The healing could never truly happen until I unloaded the baggage, and that's what today was about. But the truth is I WAS FUCKIN' SCARED. Facing my biggest let down in life over the phone was something I've swept under the rug for years. I'll forget what to say/ask, I'll buckle under the pressure, I'd get toungue tied and stumble over my words, I'd cry and sound weak, or I'd just never have the balls.

Over the past few years I've seen a lot of changes in my life. When I traveled abroad for the first time in 2003, I came back invigorated and made a list with the word "FOCUS" written on top in red ink. It was a compilation of things that I wanted to do, buy or accomplish. As time went on the list got covered by other paper work on my bulletin board, but I'd occassionally see the list and think I have to do that. Well, last year I saw a big chunk of that list tackled and accomplished. At the start of 2007, I had to draft up a new list of FOCUS although a few unfinished things carried over from the previous list—namely talking to my father and also getting contact info on my older half sister and her kids. While trivial things like buying a decent rain jacket or new stero system remain, bigger things like learning how to swim and skydiving were finally tackled head on. But still the most important and difficult one remained. I HAD TO CONFRONT MY FATHER.

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  • http://thecocoaluvchronicles.blogspot.com/ The Cocoa Luv Chronicles

    Like I told you the other day, you are really inspirational. After I read you blog about your dad in 07, I started a letter that I never finished. It's a work in progress as am I. One day I will get the strength to write the letter. I guess now I have a lot of anger and I am just trying to work on that before I bring it to him.

    Thanks A
    :)

  • http://nakedwithsockson.blogspot.com/2008/09/brandonsportfolio.blogspot.com chapzilla

    thanks for sharing homie

  • distinguishedgentlewoman

    This is like the song "Cats in the Cradle." The lyrics are very profound. I often think about my brother when I listen to the lyrics of this song.

    Cats in the Cradle
    My child arrived just the other day
    He came to the world in the usual way
    But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
    He learned to walk while I was away
    And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
    He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
    You know I'm gonna be like you"

    And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
    Little boy blue and the man on the moon
    When you comin' home dad?
    I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
    You know we'll have a good time then

    My son turned ten just the other day
    He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
    Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
    I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
    And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
    And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
    You know I'm gonna be like him"

    And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
    Little boy blue and the man on the moon
    When you comin' home son?
    I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
    You know we'll have a good time then

    Well, he came home from college just the other day
    So much like a man I just had to say
    "Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
    He shook his head and said with a smile
    "What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
    See you later, can I have them please?"

    And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
    Little boy blue and the man on the moon
    When you comin' home son?
    I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
    You know we'll have a good time then

    I've long since retired, my son's moved away
    I called him up just the other day
    I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
    He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
    You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
    But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
    It's been sure nice talking to you"

    And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
    He'd grown up just like me
    My boy was just like me

    And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
    Little boy blue and the man on the moon
    When you comin' home son?
    I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
    You know we'll have a good time then

  • Yaminah

    Wow. I'm blown away to read a black man reveal his true feelings and be vulnerable in front of strangers. I believe this is how we can really begin healing our community. Thanks for sharing.

  • Jenga

    Good job, man. That was a huge step. And I can relate to the giving-him-the-cold-shoulder attitude. I did that for a while too. I justified it because he never apologized for anything. But I later realized (and I guess this comes with life experience, maturity, therapy, etc.) that I didn't want to be that kind of person, and that I couldn't blame him for my behavior. I guess it just takes time.

    I'm really enjoying reading your blog. Maybe "enjoy" is the wrong word, when you've been writing a lot about pain. But I think that only a minority of us actually look critically at ourselves and consciously decide to make changes and live INTENTIONALLY. So I admire you for doing that and sharing it with all your readers. :)

  • http://jesustalkz.blogspot.com/ Jesus Talks

    deep post. I don't if I could have dealt with that situation any other way. The anger/pain you felt was justifiable.

  • Anonymous

    First off, "Cat's in the Cradle" is the perfect soundtrack for this post. I love that song, but I always end up sobbing or changing the station before it ends.

    As for the post itself ... damn, homie. I could have written that, but I've already decided I don't want my dad in my life. Neglect is one thing, but abuse is another, and I have room in my life for neither anymore. I literally felt the pain in this post. It was visceral. Wow. Keep writing and rising above. You have my support.

  • Hope2Star

    Amazing post! Thank you so much for sharing. (I also thought of "Cat's in the Cradle" when I read it.)

  • Mike D

    Really amazing story. Confronting the major emotional traumas is the hardest possible moment in many peoples lives.

    Although it was under different circumstances I confronted my abusive step father recently and it was so freeing. I screamed at him uncontrollably, cried and almost took a swing at him. He was slightly remorseful and sort of ashamed but it still felt great to get it off my chest.

    The pain we feel as children is the hardest to purge, I don't think it ever will completely disolve. Feeling your emotions and not letting them affect your relationships is the most important thing we can do for ourselves and for our future and current children.

  • andrea s

    wow, just wow. i read this linked from you most recent blog, i am absolutely in tears...

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  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Appreciate the feedback, sis. Was a tough one to write.

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