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Should My Wife Take My Name?

Posted by NWSO • November 18, 2008 • Printer-friendly

I was reading a friend’s blog the other day and she wrote about the topic of women changing their last name when they get married. I found it interesting because as a man I really don't think about that too often. It’s kinda just what I expect my wife to do when (and if) I get married and never gave much thought to how it happened. But my friend’s post opened my eyes a bit.

Truthfully, I didn't even know about all the paperwork women have to go through to change their name until I was in my mid-teens. My mother was considering going back to here maiden name, but ultimately decided not to because of the hassle of changing all her legal documents. At the time, I had no idea that women had to get a new driver’s license, passport, credit card, ID, email addresses, billing info, bank records, etc. I thought it was simply saying “I do” and that was it. Today, I have a bit more insight and can put things into a better perspective.

Being that our names are a big part of our identity, I understand why some ladies opt to hold on to their maiden names—either hyphenated or without. In fact, there are even instances where a woman has established a brand based on her own name (i.e. Oprah Winfrey) so losing that identity because of marriage isn’t really an option. Because who would remember Oprah Johnson or whatever Stedman’s last name is? Still, society is set up where a woman is “supposed” to take on her husband’s last name. Basically, it’s what we’re all taught, but living in a more liberal society, that’s not always the case.

I spoke to a married co-worker the other about her decision to keep her maiden name, albeit non-hyphenated, and she said she just liked how it sounded. Clearly her husband was cool with that, but what if her was a more “traditional” man? I wonder how he would have felt about it then. At the end of the day, though, I doubt he had much say in the matter as she’s the one going through all the name changes. Also, just like how it’s ultimately a woman’s decision to accept a man’s proposal, it’s up to her to take his name or not.

Here's the question(s) though: How many ladies are willing to give up their last name for marriage? For those that decide to hyphenate (or non hyphenate), do you anticipate any resistance from your future husband? If so, would you be willing to relinquish your maiden name just to appease him?

Fellas, how would you feel if your wife decided not to take your last name? Would you feel offended if she hyphenated her name? Why or why not? How would you respond if she wanted to hyphenate the kids’ names too? Would any guy be open to the idea of flipping the script and taking on his wife’s last name?

Speak your piece...

Tagged as: commitment, couple, husband, last name, love, Marriage/Love, wedding, wife

http://www.mycreditcardwatch.com Aaron Wakling

I've been reading along for a while now. I just wanted to drop you a comment to say keep up the good work.
http://nwso.net Naked With Socks On

Peace J,

I remember when y'all did that (making a family name) and I always thought that was pretty "deep." I mean I like the way my name sounds because it's basically the same letters in first and last name, but I've considered changing my last name to keep my grandfather's name alive and me and pops ain't too close...

But as for the topic at hand, I wouldn't care if my wife hyphenated or whatever as long as she loves me and we're happy.

Now the kids is a whole other thing that I'd have to be in the situation to decide on (with her of course) because was just raised to expect the children to carry my name. Whether that's right or wrong is a whole other subject..
Cypha

I been married for almost 7 years and my wife took my last name.

If she wanted to keep her last name that would've been cool, but for that we could've just stayed common-law.

If she didn't wanna talk my last name, I'm not sure if I would've gotten married.
Chasing the Imaginary

When I was with my ex and the topic of marriage came up he suggested that we create a new last name out of our last names. The name that we came up with was kinda funny and a bit awkward but I guess it worked because it was ours, not just mine and not just his. I am not sure if you can legally to that but the idea is nice and its more fair because now you both share the burden of paperwork.
ChuckT

I wouldnt have any problem with me lady keepin her name. As long as my sons have my last name everything mixx
Anonymous

I love my last name. I have no intention of changing it at all. Not only do I like the way it sounds but it is a better match for my first name (instead of my significant other) and it is also apart of who I am, my history and my ancestry. I think it is unfair that I will loose all of that in the name of matrimony. At most I was considering hyphenating it but after reading you blog, I really don't care to go through all the hassle.

But moving on to another topic, I think it is UNFAIR, that children are traditionally only given the fathers last name. To me that is disregarding my contribution. I give birth but the child takes his last name? Sounds a bit sexist. My name might not roll off the tongue the same as Beyonce, but I do plan on throwing my last name some where in the mix.

My significant other really does not agree with any of this, but I am working on it. Some compromise will have to be met. I don't see why I have to completely assimilate myself in the name of matrimony.
jenga

I totally agree with "Anonymous" and went through this issue with my baby daddy four years ago when my daughter was born. I've never considered changing my name (because of all the reasons "Anonymous" mentioned above) and thought it unfair that the paternal lineage was deemed more important than mine. Additionally, I straight-up refused to give her his last name because I didn't want her to carry the legacy of a slave master (but that's another discussion). Thank goodness my BD was open-minded and progressive, and had even been considering changing his own name! Our solution - our child has her own last name. And she has my middle name (which is also my mother's middle name). And her first name is a variation of his chosen name. So everybody's happy.

I know many might consider that extreme, but it's a solution that worked for us. I know a married couple who BOTH changed names. The wife adopted the husband's name as her middle name, and vice versa. I thought that was pretty clever. They both included the legacy of the other, but kept their own identity as well. But I think the kids have his last name.

It can be a complicated thing. But, to each his own. As culture evolves, so should its traditions.
Hanna

What's interesting is that there isn't any real way to decipher our heritage as women because more than likely as women today our last is from our father' father or mother's father father. Who knows?
Do I care? Hell, I can't even find a man to take me out (lol!) to even have to worry about taking his name! ;p
http://www.blogger.com/profile/16349262297067858063 Caribeza

Hmmm... for this one I'm gonna have to go with the paternal traditional stance.

Regardless of the hassle for the female, hyphenation (for me) maybe too much work. And then when you think further down the line, hyphenation may be a bit iffy for the kids and kid's kids. I mean imagine your kid's last name is for eg. Williams-Milliams, then he or she meets another Wiggins-Miggins. If they or their kids want to hyphenate too, it's gonna be hell filling out those last name/ surname spaces for standardized forms.

Somebody somewhere is going to have to give.

Whether it's the man or woman, that's up to them.

Personally, this is one case where I don't mind pandering to the male ego.

Probably because my last name is Williams, I don't mind. However, if your last name has more ancestry or symbolism then by all means hyphenate hyhenate, but where should it stop?
anonymous

Very interesting. When me and my ex were together, we talked about this subject and since I was going to school to get my doctorate, I wanted to keep my last name, but I had agreed that if we ever had kids, they could carry his last name. I think it just depends on the woman and man. The paperwork doesn't really bother me, I mean if I love you, it's worth it. =)
http://www.blogger.com/profile/11584937724422738834 Eblu

Well my last name has already been changed through adoption, so changing it again is not really a big deal. Seriously, I have just seen it as a given. You get married, you take his name. Please, he could just call me Mrs. Wife and I would be happy with that...LOL

Yeah the name thing is not a biggie for me. How about doing a topic on his and her finances and jacked up credit? That's where I draw the line.
anonymous

LOL@ Mrs. Wife.
fayemi

I dunno. I changed my name so that I could re-establish my African heritage and drop my family's slave name. The name I chose is so important and meaningful to me, I'd be hesitant to give it up. When I had children, it was SUCH a big deal which name my BD and I gave the them. We consulted with elders, read books and it got really complicated for a moment and decided to hyphenate. That's a whole nother issue though because you're not technically married. Uggh. If we were married, I would have just given the kids his name straight up.

I'd really hate to have a conversation about this with my mate if it felt like such a power struggle for control. I can understand a man's desire to have his children carry on his name. But why me? To show possession of me?

I wouldn't give up my name but I believe the type of man I'd be with would be totally understanding. We'd work it out. I'd LOVE it if he took my name. What a man he would be! What a couple we would be!
anonymous

I come from a blended family where my fathers wife dragged her feet changing her name. Her children (one from a previous relationship, and one from her relationship with my father) have her maiden name. While I don't contribute the division of our household soley to the difference in surnames, I do believe it played a major part. I grew up in a very much "this is yours, and this is mines and this is how we do things". that made for a very stressful upbringing.

Also, I know that this is going to make me unpopular but I am a christian and I try my best to uphold the values. And if me and my s/o are supposed to leave our parents home and become one. And if I am to be the head, and expect my wife to submit to me as I submit to the will of the creator (lets detach the connotation from the word submit), then I expect her to take my last name. Creating a new last name sounds fun, but I dont see that being my bag. And I expect my daughters to do the same thing. And I expect my sons to love and care for their wife just as I would their mother.
http://www.superlovelyful.com/ Hannah

I'm keeping my name. It's a professional/ vanity thing for me. I like that my last name and first name start with the same letter. Also, not many last names go with Hannah.

I think it's neat when a man takes a woman's last name or when a couple makes up a new last name. I think it represents the idea of a union in a unique way and represents true equality when a man's willing to reciprocate or start fresh together.
Publicity Chick

I think its interesting. Esp my dad died and never had a son so I wanted to carry that name..for some reason I guess. My boyf doesnt get it about me hyphenating my name. So I guess its up to you. But for even bigger my last name wasnt a common latino name even tho I am Dominican. So my name got chopped up and mispronounced I always thought why cant I be a perez or gonzalez. But my last name is Abreu which means "opened" in Portuguese..so for me my last just has meaning and acceptance for who I am. I guess time will tell..
Anonymous

I wouldn't have married my wife if she didn't take my last name. It's that big of an issue.