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Fatal Thoughts of Suicide

Posted by NWSO • December 12, 2008 • Printer-friendly

“I swear to God I want to just slit my wrists and end this bullshit/Throw the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shit/And squeeze, until the bed's completely red/I'm glad I'm dead, a worthless fuckin' buddah head/The stress is buildin' up, I can't/I can’t believe suicide's on my fuckin' mind/I want to leave, I swear to God I feel like death is fuckin' callin' me…”

—Notorious B.I.G, “Suicidal Thoughts”

Let's be real for a minute. Who out there has ever thought about suicide? I know it's not something people tend to talk about, but perhaps that's the problem. So I'll ask again: Who out there has ever thought about suicide? Come on, now, no one? So I'm alone on this one? Okay, but I find that kinda hard to believe.

I know there’s gotta be somebody out there that has thought about it at least once and I'm sure even more people than most would think have actually attempted it. But just as some folks are scared to face life, there are just as many too scared to speak about this topic. Well, I'm here to say there's no need to feel ashamed if you’ve ever contemplated suicide, because I feel no shame in saying I've had brief moments where the thought crossed my mind.

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t stand on the subway platform when my mind wanders for a split second and I wonder what would happen if I just jumped in front of the train as it sped into the station. These are just passing thoughts, though, as I quickly snap back to reality with the realization that my life is worth more to me and the ones I love than to just toss it away like that. I reflect on my family and loved ones and how my split second decision would effect them for a lifetime. I take note of the fact that there are people in my life that will miss me, need me and love me. But what about those that don't have that support system and feel utterly and completely alone?

See, I believe people commit suicide because they feel alone. So I'm asking y'all to not make me feel alone right now. Admit it. Be anonymous. I don't care. Share your personal struggles. Make something up. Just don't make me feel alone in this. Not right now. See, I've shared a lot here, some say TMI, but I say FYI. On November 3, record executive Shakir Stewart took his own life with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The day before Thanksgiving, actor De’Angelo Wilson, who most will recognize from his role in 8 Mile, hung himself in his L.A. home. So if people who seemingly have so much going on in their lives can find themselves at a point where they choose death over life that goes to show us that suicide is a universal phenomenon that’s worth discussion. Someone out there reading this right now has been at that same breaking point or knows someone that has and needs to know that they are not alone.

Now I'm not just talking about slit-your-wrist, pop-some-pills or jump-off-the-roof suicide, because there are plenty of other ways that people are slowly killing themselves just to escape reality. Self-medication, alcoholism, drug use, and reckless sexual behavior are all forms of forms of suicide in my book. Instead of taking your life in one fatal swoop, you opt to drag out the process, but the results are still the same. The only difference is that slow suicide at least reveals some sort of call for help, but not everyone takes note of the signs. If someone you call a friend or loved one is constantly intoxicated or high, there's probably a reason for that. He or she is unhappy with some part of their life and is trying to escape into the bottle, bag of weed or the arms of a false lover. What kind of friend are you if you let that person continue to destroy their mind, body and soul while you sit back and do nothing? If I were exhibiting such behavior I would want someone in my circle to care enough to at least talk to me about it. Even if I adamantly brushed them off, at least I'd know someone actually cared about me and maybe I wouldn't feel so alone.

On his 1994 debut, the Notorious B.I.G. said he was ready to die, but I'm not. So for the record, I'm not suicidal and I don't plan on taking my own life. I have too much to live for, too much to do and too many people that need me and vice versa. I know talking about suicide is not comfortable but I'm unafraid to say that there are times when I feel alone. When I feel life is too tough and I wished everything could just stop, just for a moment. I shared these rare moments of hopelessness and depression with you so someone reading this would not feel alone and realize that life is a gift and we should treat it as such.

So once again, I don't care if you comment anonymously or not, I just need to hear your thoughts on this. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Do you know anyone that has? What keeps you/them going? What makes you/them feel like death is the only way out? What are you doing about the people in your life that are self-medicating? How do you make yourself and them feel less alone? What are your personal views on suicide?

Please, speak your piece.

UPDATE
DID YOU KNOW?
• Suicide is the third leading cause of death among people under the age of 25, and the second leading cause of death among college students.
• Nearly half of all college students report feeling so depressed at some point that they have trouble functioning.
• 1 out of 4 young adults will experience a depressive episode by age 24.
• 60% of students reported feeling things were hopeless one or more times during the last school year

RESOURCES
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800 273-TALK (8255) or www.lifeline-gallery.org
• Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or www.suicide.org
• Deaf Hotline 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)?
• Find national suicide centers in your area here: http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

HELPFUL READING
BLACK PAIN: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting (Scribner) by Terrie M. Williams, a licensed clinical social worker with a B.A. in Psychology and Sociology from Brandeis University, and an M.S. in Social Work from Columbia University. Today, she is committed to guiding people in deep emotional pain onto a path of healing so that they may live better lives as healthy and whole individuals. tmwms@terriewilliams.com

PUBLIC DISCUSSION ON DEPRESSION
“What depression looks like, sounds like and feels like,” featuring commentary from Mo’Nique, Ruby Dee, Terry McMillan, Rev. Al Sharpton, Jamie Hector, etc. Thursday, January 15, 2009 (MLK’s birthday) 7PM to 9:30PM. Symphony Space, 2537 Broadway @ West 95th St. NYC. For tickets: (212( 854-5400 or www.SymphonySPace.org

Tagged as: accident, death, depression, Real Life, Real Talk, suicide

http://nwso.net Naked With Socks On

@ Hanna

1st thanks for sharing. Truly appreciate it. I've spoken about happiness before and it is a choice. Everyone has to find happiness within themselves and not in others, because others can leave you (by choice or other) and then what happens to your well-being? You are always a constant in your life and should be the source of your greatest accomplishments and failures.

Not saying a companion is not welcomed, but I hope you situation betters and you find a partner (or the one you have evolves) that can coffer you more than what's between his legs and help lift you up and just lift up your skirt. Although times are hard try to find time to do special something for YOU. I see my own mom always do things for everyone around her but never taking the time for herself. Think you yourself Hanna, what (realistically) would make you happy, even for a little while, and try and indulge in that at least once a week. Hmmm, how does a pint of your favorite ice cream sound??

@ DGW

Thanx as well for sharing. When I said loneliness, it wasn't about just the state of being alone, but I think when you feel you have no one else to turn to, rely on, or confide in, you could be in a room full of people and feel alone.

Besides that I'm glad you found the strength to help your mother through her tough times, and to find dreams and aspirations that help you to keep pushing on. Life is hard, harder for some, but it all makes us stronger and even when we don't realize it, we all impact those around us in some way and for some reason that is meant to be. Life's a gift, treat it as such.
Alysimone

I've contemplated suicide many times in my life and as you state it was always born out of extreme loneliness. Not being physically alone (though that is often an issue) but feeling deeply unconnected to anyone who really cared.

the only time i ever tried to act on it was during a really unhappy marriage. even with 2 kids and a loving family i felt lost and didn't see the point to being here.

I think those thoughts (at least in a serious way) slowed down once i stopped taking life/people so personally. started actively controlling my emotions.

what do i mean.. well my father always said i worry too much with friends.. i care too much what other people think..that most people aren't really your friends and most people don't really care about you. i thought this was really harsh when i was young but i find it to be true as i grew older. most folks really don't care what you are going through. they got thier own issues. once i accepted this as a fact of life it helped me not to care too much when folks didn't seem to deeply care about me and my life like i hoped they would.

i actively control my emotions now but 1. staying busy. i truly believe idle hands/minds are the devils work. but i also know that you gotta just let it out sometimes so i limit myself to mini breakdowns maybe once a week and like major meltdowns maybe 2 or 3 times a year. i got one coming up once my office shuts down for the holidays. i almost can't wait to sit down and bawl and just let out all the frustratio & sadness that has been building the past few months.

i know this may make me seem like a crazy really unhappy, uptight person. but for the most part i'm pretty upbeat, fun and great to be around. i just try to see life for what it is, keep it moving and keep my demons on a tight leash. So aside from the momentary flashes of 'what if i step in front of this bus right now?' that i think most people have.. i'm, for the most part, all good.
T. Allen-Mercado

I'm clinically depressed, so I often think about what it would be like to not be amongst the living. I think the only good part about depression is being too low and tired to actually do anything about it. That, and better living through chemistry.

In my years on the couch and studying different therapeutic methods I can say that not all who contemplate suicide are having difficulty coping with their emotions. While some look at it as the end of one's life, some of us look at it as the beginning of one's rest. It is a more well thought, planned, methodical, (and selfish) decision than is given credit. Much like ending any relationship, a decision to cut ties with the living world can be at moments more painful than living.

Ironically, seeking the support of others who think you're wrong/weak/mistaken/need prayer for not wanting to live is even more isolating. I've found more solace in my own misery and through my writing and art than through talking with well-intentioned friends and family.

Thanks for an insightful post, this is not a topic I'm generally invited to discuss without a co-pay!
Nubya

I can't believe that you have the nerve to have this mess up.
I lost my son to suicide- you wanna have a laugh- joke- it's not funny- how about this-
My son came to my house, knocked on the door, looked me in the face and blew his brains out.
He didn't have any hope, he didn't live to see his 21st birthday-he will never get to hold his niece and never see his older brother finally walk- and you have the NERVE to have this site-

SUICIDE is not funny
http://nwso.net Naked With Socks On

Greetings Nubya,

Condolences on the loss of your child, I truly am sorry for your lost. Now I'm not sure if you read the post and the comments in their entirety or just reacted off of first glance. But nothing (in my opinion) in this post is making any light of suicide or anyone that has lost someone that way.

The point of this piece and the discussion it has sparked today is for people to talk about this rather than keep it to themselves and act on their negative thoughts and emotions. I deplore you to look at the comments and open dialogue people are having. Folks are talking about their clinical depression, own failed attempts at suicide, abuse, and a host of other serious topics today. I don't see anyone laughing about this at all. And again to offend you or anyone that has dealt with this first hand.

But if you look back and still feel offended I apologize that You feel that way, but I still appreciate you sharing your story. And I once again send my condolences to you and your family.

NWSO
http://nwso.net Naked With Socks On

It's all good Anon. It's a touchy subject and proud of everyone that chime din anonymous of other, just as long as the discussion helped and someone out there can get something out of it
http://nwso.net Naked With Socks On

Peace Anon,

Thanx for adding your story to the mix. We all carry burdens emotional and other, and it's up to each of us to find the strength to pull through. I'm glad that your attempts at taking your life have failed and you're here for your child, mother and all those that care for you, but most importantly i'm glad that you are here for YOU to see how strong you are and will continue to be. As cliche as it may sound, our struggles make us stronger.
K.icks M.aterials H.er

... my belt broke.

nuff said.
Ms CURVY WITH DREADS 904

Again, great post NWSO!
I gotta add my two cents in on this. Its a great topic and one that for far too long has been swept under the rug. The reason this isnt something discussed in the black community is because it is perceived as the "white man's disease". We frown upon mental issues. We look at it as a form of weakness or sickness. Only white men and women lay up on couch and talk to "head doctors".
Well, the bottom line in my opinion is that we need to stop looking at it like that and realize that its okay to have some issues. But its NOT okay to NOT deal with them. Susie Homemaker might go see a psychiatrist because she's stressed out by all the housework, getting little Emily off to ballet 3x's a week, then there's Billy's soccer practice, then the piano lessons and lets not forget piano lesson, etc etc etc. Susie just cant cope!
But if we look at Tyrone or Lakeisha, who doesnt live behind a picket fence...they're dealing with low paying jobs, discrimination on a daily basis, single parenthood, no insurance, living paycheck to paycheck, staying in sub-standard housing, killings takin place outside their window at all hours of the day or night, living in fear of crime with no help or concern for law enforcement, gotta worry about their male relatives getting caught up in the dope game and going to jail or dying, worry about if their daughter will wind up pregnant before hitting a 16th birthday...the list goes on. It may sound stereotypical, but we know how it is in our community versus theirs. OUR struggle is not THEIR struggle. The things we go thru warrant some kind of therapy or outlet. Living in the kind of communities we do, being bombarded with the negative images that we do, our problems are alot more in depth.
And the reason the suicide rates are on the rise among young black males is because we've been told made to believe having feelings or being depressed are signs of weakness. As long as our community has that kind of ass backwards thinking, others will continue to turn to suicide as their cry for help because all other pleas have been ignored or stifled.
I speak like this because I have contempleted suicide for years...since I was a preteen and now at age 26, I still have struggles with it. I've made cries for help, have attempted suicide before and thankfully I survived to tell my story. But each time I exhibited some kind of behavior..it as brushed under the rug. I was told I was being too sensitive when it was more to it than that. When people in your life show u signs of being depressed and they even remotely discuss suicide, take them seriously. Sometimes all it takes is being able to talk about it to someone who wont look at you like you're just overreacting. A shoulder to cry on and a LISTENING...not hearing ear, can work wonders, but you never know unless you step out there and ask.

I appreciate you writing this blog because you may have saved some lives out there, Ans...

Nuff Love
Ms Curvy With Dreads 904
Hanna

" ...she is unhappy with some part of their life and is trying to escape into the...arms of a false lover. "

that's me. i'm not alone, i have 2 children, but i'm lonely.

i'm nearing 40 and they will embark on their own lives soon enough. i never thought that i would be 40 + single=lonely. as a responsible single mother i do what needs to be done and everyone thinks i'm okay.

what makes people think that i'm okay?

these last few months have been harder than usual; as a woman that has worked ever since receiving her working papers as a teen, it is hard being unemployed because of a layoff. unemployment goes but so far, my children have needs, not wants, that need to be met, there is rent, bills, and just life!

thru it all i've managed to keep myself together, a lil something, but a companion worthy of my time have not been forthcoming. i don't want to deal with knuckleheads and very particular about who even calls my home so i went without sex for months on end, actually a couple of years.

i don't want to go there again and so i "deal" with
this man that's a player b/c we "clicked" (can't have sex with someone i'm not attracted to) and hopefully that would fulfill some desire but it will never satisfy my desire for a lifelong partner to share life with, to grow old with, to laugh with, to dance with. i know he doesn't really respect me but it's better than being terribly alone; so i kill myself just a little each day.

do i know my worth? sure, but it doesn't talk to me on the phone, it doesn't kiss me on neck, nor does it wrap me in its arms.

this is not about sex only, rather, it's about the companionship that i have not been able to achieve with my brothers out there. but i can't contemplate suicide, my children already have a parent that's m.i.a. it's a good thing that i don't drink b/c that would be such an easy way to escape though i would never want my children to see me that way.

but what about me?my needs?my wants?

i'm sure these feelings are compounded by the fact that i am unemployed but it's life and my life right now. so what do i do? pray. vent. cry. laugh. dance. hurt. hope. love. and wish. then i put on some ledisi and she tells me it's gonna be alright! i listen to my love songs -hathaway, kem, maxwell- b/c although i'm hurtin' i'm hopin' it's gonna be alright!

it just has to...
distinguishedgentlewoman

There have been many times that I have thought for hours at a time about how much better it would be if I could just die, just friggin' die and end it all. Times when I have asked God to let me die, but thoughts of suicide have not entered my mind in a long time. But when I was a teen living in hell with my parents, I often prayed to God to give me the strength to end my life. I often asked him why, why was I alive dealing with all that baggage. I was a preteen, then a teen, then a young adult dealing with the effin' burden of seeing a man who I loved dearly crap on himself, my mom, and his kids. And he didn't care enough about himself or us to get help. There was one point where dude was stealing money from my brother's and my piggy banks to buy liquor. My mom gave us quarters every week to put in the piggy banks to save for a summer vacation, and he was dipping in there to get his drink on. I became antisocial and totally alone in my world. I wanted so badly to disappear into the bottle of pills that were in our medicine cabinet. I hated myself, I hated life. I felt that everyone was laughing at us. Every time he came home drunk, I wanted to die. Every time he beat my mom, I wanted to die. I actually became scared of living.

Then I don't know what happened, but one day something inside me flipped and I stopped thinking of suicide and wanted him to go away instead. I began to realize that I was my mother's rock, I was the one who ran to her defense when he was knocking holes into her and putting bruises all over her beautiful body. If I wasn't there, my mother would not be alive today; I'd dead seriously about that. The times he tried to strangle her, I pulled him off of her. The time he held a knife to her throat against the kitchen window, I pulled him off of her. That became my reason for living, being there to save my mother's life; and I stopped thinking about the pills in the bathroom and started focusing on asking God to give my mother the strength to get that sorry-ass excuse for a man out of the house. I started thinking about the beauty of life: the fact that I wanted to become a dancer and a writer, I had to go to college, I wanted to get married, the fact that I just wanted to live. I credit God for that, for changing my mind around. He saved my life.

One suicide victim in the family was quite enough. And that's what my father is, a suicide victim. He has been slowly killing himself for over 30 years. Just the other day, he came to visit me, 11 a.m., liquor on his breath. This is a dude who tells me every month that his Social Security benefits is just enough to cover his grocery bill. Yet on any give day when I go to visit him, his room is loaded with empty vodka bottles and empty beer cans. And we have tried it all over the years, tough love, tender words of encouragement, helping him out monetarily, getting him into tons of programs. NOTHING works. He is broken. I have now began preparing for his death. Because I have given up on him. It took years, but I realize that he has to do it. He has to get to a point where the life that God gave him is precious enough to change his mind around and get it off of liquor. He's 68 now, whether he ever gets there, it's all on him. I'll give him as much support as I could, but the drinking part he will have to do on his own.

But Naked, I have to disagree with you on one thing, contemplating suicide is not always just a result of feeling alone in the world. Yes, it is the case with most of us, as it was with me. But there are folks out there who are so emotionally battered and are in a mental state where they see suicide as the only way out. For some it's a mental illness that has to be treated before it's too late. And, yes, recognizing signs is crucial. But sometime there are no signs. My coworker's sister committed suicide a few years ago, no unusual signs. My aunt took her life in the early '90s after battling ovarian cancer for years. Walked into the kitchen one day and made a mixture of roach spray and sugar. She gave no signs that she planned to take her own life the days prior to her killing herself.

Life, or dear life, is a constant struggle. I'm unemployed, broke, and manless. But every day I wake up and thank the Heavenly Father for life and for all the things he has given me. Do I have thoughts of self loathing, yes. Do I still think on some days that it would be better not being alive, yep. But taking my own life, NO, NO, NO. Not anymore. I think I was 18 the last time I visualized myself going into the medicine press; I'm almost 40 now. And anytime I think that maybe it would be better if I should get some fatal illness and die, I think about my mother and the emotional state she would be in if I died. I think about all the things that I have yet to accomplish. The places I have yet to see. The people who I have yet to meet. The man I have yet to meet and marry. The books I have yet to finish writing. My niece, who I have not seen since she was 2, that I plan on getting in touch with when she turns 18--she's 11 next month. I think about those things and I pray, pray, pray.
distinguishedgentlewoman

Thanks, NWSO. And you're right, life is a gift. And even when I'm knocked down, I realize that it's precious and we have to appreciate the things that we do have, be they big or small.

And Hanna:
Jenga

Wow, I didn't expect this topic when I checked the blog today!

I have contemplated suicide, but I think I was always hopeful and just curious enough about what tomorrow would bring that I never made an attempt.

During my childhood, there were plenty times I wished I could just be gone. In hindsight, I was probably depressed a lot as a kid. I was extremely different in almost every way from my peers, and they never let me forget it. I was the target of constant bullying and I had no protector. I was ostracized, and there seemed to be no way out. I had to keep going to school every day. Of course, there were good aspects of my childhood. But I think those experiences caused a lot of damage. And led me to wonder that it might be better if I wasn't around at all.

There was another time, when I was in college, when it occurred to me that taking my own life was so incredibly simple. I remember sitting on the window sill of the second floor kitchen (there were no window guards) in our dorm and being overwhelmed by the power of that moment. I remember thinking that if I just leaned forward a little more, that would be it... that would be the end. That got me to thinking about self-control and human beings' instinct of survival.... but that's another discussion.

Needless to say, I didn't do it. Yes, I felt lonely, deeply lonely. But on the other hand, I also believed in the enormous potential of life. And there were so many things I wanted to accomplish and experience. Also as low as my self-esteem was as a child/young person, there was always the understanding that somehow I was important and valuable.... that I could contribute something of worth to the world. That's something my parents instilled in me early on... perhaps in preparation for the negative social experiences I'd have growing up. That dichotomy is interesting, I think.

I haven't had suicidal thoughts since college... at least not ones that I remember. My life just keeps getting better and I've been so wonderfully blessed. I think that crafting a life you can truly be proud of is really what makes it worth living. And I don't mean a life that only looks good on paper. I mean being truly proud of your role in the world, each day when you look in the mirror. There are plenty seemingly happy and fortunate folks who take their own lives... and no one understands why. No one, but that person, of course. No one can lie to themselves.

"There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way."
Hanna

wow, thanks NwSO and DGW! i really appreciate the support--y'all got me to tearing! lol! i usually bury those thoughts from earlier b/c i have to push on through. it's not really a constant but those times that i'm "quiet" it creeps back in. and they crept in recently and so when i read your post...

keep up the good work Ans and Jenga you're right happiness is the way but sometimes it's hard finding the way.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/15922121045231555035 Abenadiva

I spent much of my teen years thinking about suicide. I don't really recall for what reason each time. I do know that each time it was because I felt that I had come against some peak that I could not overcome. Rather than rallying against it I felt better off dead. It was always because I felt there was something in this world that I deserved that I was being denied.

I believe that European belief systems create the atmosphere for suicides. We mistakenly believe that if we don't have what we want then we are better off dead. Perhaps we can not easily decipher the difference between what we need and want because of the messages we receive through the media. May be it is just plain peer pressure.

My teen and early 20's suicidal preoccupation was thwarted by the belief that I would go to hell when I died and therefore be in a place worse than what I was FOREVER! Now at 39 I am in a new place and at a point of self-actualization. A new place of world realization...

We have been taught all of our lives that in order to be successful we have to obtain certain things by certain times to be whole and productive. For example a woman living in the projects is deemed as an under-acheiver or a pariah on society because she is devoid money or social status. Her home is considered a place to strive to be away from. No one would actually celebrate the fact that she is able to take nothing and turn it into something. Noooo she would be pushed to do more because if she was truly worthy and valuable she would have more...

Americans measure success with stuff and not character. You have not arrived until you have the most stuff! And when we reach the plateau of the amount of stuff we feel we can get or maintain we feel this is the end. And we rob ourselves and those around us of the main ingredient... The human spirit.
http://abenadiva.blogspot.com
anonymous

Referencing those considered 'successful' who have committed suicide, I think part of the reason is that when you reach success, you question "what does it all mean, is this real?" It doesn't help that usually they're surrounded by sycophantic slags who ride their coat tails until they don't need them or their 'star quality' has diminished. To some, (like Kurt Cobain) they may feel that they are making the boldest and bravest statement they could make since they view most people as living very shallow, empty lives caught up in a rat race.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/15922121045231555035 Abenadiva

I would posture that it "success" is not real as measured by Western standards. I believe success is best measured by the love you spread and share. There have been times that I have wanted or wished that I had some rich successful person in my corner to pull me out of the mud. Looking back having a friend to help me thru would have been just as good.
anonymous

What a powerful post! Kudos to all of you for sharing such personal stories. I can't leave you hanging so I'll share...

When I was about 12 I took a bottle full of perscription pills after contemplating suicide for months. My family found me in the morning lying in my own vomit and unconscious. Nobody could understand why I'd do such a thing and it's not something I've ever been able to adequately explain to anyone. All I can say is I was a VERY deep thinker from an early age and had no way to process my thoughts. My parents viewed me as just as kid unaware of what I was struggling with mentally.

It wasn't until I was in college that I realized noticed a pattern of depression in my life and how it was affecting me. Before I realized the real problem, I'd drink heavily, get high and do lots of naughty things that made me forget I was sad. Just like you said Ans.

I was depressed not because of situations I was facing but because I had a chemical imbalance. That's the part of depression that people don't like to fess up to. Being depressed for a prolonged period of time is a very lonely thing. Most people are too ashamed to confide in anyone about it. To cope I learned to do the following things: 1) I'd give myself one day to cry all day long and lie in the bed. 2) The next day, I'd pray, burn incense, cleanse my home, take baths, do everything to cleanse my personal space. 3) I'd eat lots of foods and supplements with omega 3 in it, (especially salmon) which is REALLY critical for people with depression. Its helps boost your seratonin levels. 4) Then I'd watch something funny on TV, go hang out with a funny friend and EXERCISE! In that order.

You'd be amazed how well these things work! I would encourage folks to try some of these things cause it really works. If you have a headache you don't tell yourself its all in your head. You sit your ass down, drink some tea, pop a pill and rest. We have to treat our bodies and our minds with more respect and care. With the economy and all that's going on today people really have to be on top of their mental state like never before. We worry so much about our finaces, our appearances, our love lives, but the mind is the most important thing we need to take care of.

(getting off the couch) That was a good therapy session, Ans.
*Peace & Respect All *
sb

shit props for those of you who shared, i didn't expect this either and i haven't left a comment in a while but this shit has got me doin it now.

I've thought of suicide TWICE in my 20 years on this planet. the first time was when i was in the 7th grade. My family was VERY religious and i was raised to believe God was our creator and Jesus was his son. Around this time is when i started paying attention in our sunday school and started asking question. I was unaware that there was a holy trinity and all that good stuff and it seemed to support others arguements against Christianity. Then i started doubting my faith "if God existed, he should be able to get rid of all the evil in the world" (this was the school year 9-11 happened btw) and this is when my young optimistic mind took a drink of pessimism. A lot of night i stayed up crying not wanting to think these thoughts and i would just ask God "if you exist give me a sign, show me something unreal, send an angel to help me"...nothing happened. That year i began to think, whats the point of living if we just end up in the dirt? Place i was in a awkward phase of my life so that made the thought even easier. So then suicide finally came into my head. If i die, i'll find answers either way i'm in heaven/hell or nonexistent. Curiosity was prolly the main thing that motivated these first thoughts, but good thing it didn't kill this cat.

My whole middle school career was filled with atheism but i never told a soul then. I learned that we hear so much bad news that we are unaware of the everyday good. I'm proud to say i have my optimism back and its here to stay. I began reading up on other religions (Islam, Buddhism, even throughly reading up on the religion i claimed was mine) It has made me a more spiritual Christian and better man. I don't like to label my belief but i am a Christian, although i believe there are other gateways to heaven.

The second time i thought of suicide was small moments in HS when i felt like it was me against the world, lonely as you said it. I didn't remain close with anyone. My older brother went to school with me but we fought all the time, my oldest brother would always hate on me when i got home to the point where i couldn't be myself and was just depressed. He saw this and would ask me that if anything was wrong that he'd tell me. As boys we don't express our feeling at all so i just laughed it off and said ok. When i would get the thought of suicide, it was to show people how much they'd miss me and took me for granted. I wanted them to pay for making me feel like shit (this was ALL in a heat of the moment state of mind) i couldn't ever harm someone i care about physically, so i thought i'd do that by harming myself. Now i realize how small my problems were. I tell myself the cliche statement 'it could be worse' and it always could be.

That was the last time I had the thought. Surprisingly the time in which i thought i'd most likely regain the thought was when my little brother died. I never talk about this, even anonymously but i'll speak about it a lil here. We are taught that you're younger siblings are your responsibility and when i wasn't there to take care of my brothers, i lose one. The worst pain i've ever felt. Its been just over 2 years but the regret is still there and the pain never stopped bleeding. I'm at peace with it cuz i learned i'll never get over it, but i'll learn to live with it and that the best we can do sometimes. Instead of his death bringing my to suicidal thoughts it brought me closer to my faith and a better brother for the ones God left for me. I never talked about it to anyone, not even friends and i just recently stopped crying about it. I am finally happy again and i love it. I miss him still but i know it was part of God's plan, and God's will comes first.

I believe these thoughts were very beneficial to me growning me now that i look back....wow i didn't expect to write this much but i guess this topics get it out of you.

i love reading your shit, keep it up

props to the anon that posted above me, i need to read up on the science of depression due to chemical imbalance cuz i've always been skeptical of it
distinguishedgentlewoman

This is what is known as therapy. Talking about the hurt and the pain and bringing things out of hiding is therapy. For years I used to feel ashamed and uncomfortable in my own skin because I was holding a great secret. My friends all thought my family was the Brady Bunch. But the folks around our way knew differently, and I was ashamed to talk to my friends about what was really going on in my house. So I kept everything bottled up inside, and could only think of one way to escape, death. Bunk that. Now I write and talk about it all. When I was experiencing it, I thought I was alone. But from talking to people along the years, I have come to realize that there are a trillion DGWs out there, hurting, hiding, and eventually healing, one day at a time. And part of the healing process is speaking up and speaking out.
sb

the thought of therapy seemed to imply that i was weak, which is why i refused to see one when my lil bro passed.

And DGW your about people who bottle it and seeing death as the only escape, i never realized that before. Kudos for that.

I think suicidal thoughts are for those who have difficulty dealing with their emotions
distinguishedgentlewoman

sb:

"I think suicidal thoughts are for those who have difficulty dealing with their emotions"

You are so right about this. I felt like I couldn't deal with the emotional turmoil that life threw at me. But I was a little girl, 8...18. 14-year-olds shouldn't have to stop daddy from killing mommy. That kind of stuff messes with your head. And keeping it all inside for years is even worse. But through it all God never failed me. He made me flip the switch and realize that, like Naked said, life is a precious gift. I can't forget the past, but I have so much to look forward to. And to live for.
anonymous

(I havent read any of the other responses yet, so i may sound redundant. This topic is dear to me) First off NWSO, let me applaud and say thank you for expressing yourself and shedding a little light on this highly sensitive subject. Alot of the Black community steer from talking about this and mental illness/disorders.

I have been to that breaking point. On a dreary day in November 2007, I was gonna say goodbye to this world and a bottle of pills was my vehicle. I even wrote a letter two days prior. But I am SO HAPPY and BLESSED to have a friend that I reached out to and gave me the courage to go to the hospital.

I also agree that some people use "slow medicine" or are killing themselves, slowly but surely, with drugs, alcohol, food, and sex. Instead of us, as people, shunning addicts and "crazy" individuals, we need learn to extend our arms and ears because the problem is much deeper than her/him being just promiscuous.

We definitely need more awareness on this topic! Thanks again.
Anonymous

I jus wrote a previous response and I jus recently shared my suicide note with a person (my bff who helped me). I have also been thinking about publishing it in a book on suicide for teenagers/young adults. Here goes:

The Letter

Dear life,
You gave me some great times. Light, love, laughter. Love, love, love. Some good times, yeah. However, I just couldn’t shake the bad. Love, love, love. From the beginning I have felt alone. Even as a little kid. Who would think an eight year old could know about loneliness. Well I did life. There has always been emptiness within this body, a living shell. Don’t think I didn’t care for others because you know I did. It was the caring that caused so many bad times. Pain must be in love with me or something. Yeah I tried to mask it with acquiring book knowledge. I mean books have always been my escape, but sometimes even that has been the root of the pain. Life you know you got me early. Why do I long to be loved so. Familial love can cut, but Eros is my real enemy. “Damn, ugly, fat, poor”; Just to name a few of my names. Even now at twenty two, pain still has not let go. What is it about me? That he loves so, my wide nose, my unique body shape, or the low self esteem itself. Yeah I found Christ at fifteen, held on for almost two good years and I started letting go. I wish I wouldn’t have because now it’s hard to find him again and sometimes I even feel like they scorn me. I think that if we part things will be better because pain is really getting on my nerves. Love, love, love. I always said I would die of a broken heart, Well broken can still be mended. Shattered, now that’s an adjective. See I have been holding on because I don’t want any particular person to get puffed up. But you know you can lose gracefully, and life you know I like style and grace. And you know I love my family and friends but these tens are uncomfortable. Hell they really hurt. Do you think…..I shouldn’t have to ask that question. But maybe others will love with intensity; it’s a good thing but maybe I’m the wrong person. We surely had some good times. But they really didn’t understand the true beauty of a smile. Yet I saw the beauty in digesting lies. I know I’m different, Hell real different. Maybe different is not always good. Well I must go, I will talk to you later. Tell everyone, I said Hi.
sb

DGW:

your experiences just prove to me that it could always be worse. Your strength is inspiring, keep it up cuz your more useful in life than in death. I'm glad that our hardships didn't get to the best of us.

Nubya:

i dont think anyone was making light of the subject. I understand where your coming from if anyone were to speak on the cause of my brothers death, they all couldn't express they amount of pain it truly causes. Peace and one love. RIP to your lost one and I'll pray for God to give you strength
http://www.myspace.com/timispissed TiM

I've read every comment with this blog so far and I want to encourage everyone to keep pushing on. Here are some personal scenarios that I constantly think of and help me stay on track.

A young man committed suicide due to pressures of college/parents/fitting in etc. and not knowing what happiness is or how to attain it or if it even exists. So you ask yourself whats the point? This specific kid left a blog post on his myspace on the day of my bithday a year ago stating his views on this topic of happiness. He hanged himself in his closet for his kid sister to find him. I found this at a time I was utterly disgusted with myself and my life and wanted to end it. He was my friend's close cousin, and the pain that he and the rest of the family still fights through brings a perspective that the kid himself wasn't capable of fully fathoming. His mother is now fighting cancer and his dad is an alcoholic.

A dear friend of mine is dying of severe Muscular Dystrophy at 22 years old. He was never meant to dream of experiencing a 30th Birthday. He can no longer talk and on a good day he's able to watch TV. He's long lost the will of life and is severely depressed on top of all of this. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have such a passion and eclectic taste in alternative and independent music.

I work in the music industry and my production company has an artist signed to us in which we were being assisted by Shakir Stewart in securing a deal up until the point of his death. What he had started with us is still in motion and a testament to how every action affects more than you think like a single wave rippling through the vast ocean of life, connecting with others; some waves get lost in the storm, and then some waves are the storm.

Being a part of these experiences has given me inspiration to look past my own battles of depression and thoughts of suicide and even the feeling of not belonging here. These experiences inspire me to strive at my dreams at all costs and to not forget the people who struggle just to live another day. I share all of this information so these individuals' lives and decisions don't go unnoticed. I've attempted suicide at the ages of 8 and 14; and still fight the urges even with my beautiful girl of 4 years, awesome friends and family and a great team who shares the same aspirations of making it in this Godforsaken industry! I'm 21 years old and avenge misery and misfortune by living life to its fullest and nothing less.

P.S. I am the farthest from an attention seeker, I chose to reveal myself via myspace to show that I am a real person just like anyone else.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/01092645607527251858 Tgodslittlesister

I confess..that I have not read all the comments (and I plan too), but i just had to say...thank all of u for sharing ur stories. We are all connected through our sharing. Knowing that we are not alone is one of the greatest gifts. It's the main reason I want to be a doctor. I have also had thoughts in many seasons of my life, but we are all still here and fighting. No matter what age u r life can still be priceless. When its good its only good because of how bad it has been or can be. Thanks to you all again for sharing. NWSO boy you amaze me. T
http://www.blogger.com/profile/11584937724422738834 eblu

I may never have seriously gave thought to committing suicide, but when my mother met my stepfather I wished I was dead. He was very strict among other things and would pull out the extension cord, I grew to believe, just for his own amusement. My sister and I got ass whoopins for the silliest things. He would do the white glove test to make sure we had dusted. We couldn't wait to go to school every morning and dreaded going home. Thank God she is no longer married to him~
http://www.blogger.com/profile/16533160683855377623 Stephen O.

Suicide is no joke and is one thing that we should be more comfortable talking about, because whether we admit or not, many of our brothers and sisters are dying directly or indirectly by suicide (for example, so called slow-suicide, by self-destructive behavior). When my mother killed herself in 1980, a part of me went numb, even though I was only 8 years old. My dad and I could not talk about the incident till I was in my early 20s because the stigma and shame of the event would not allow us to talk about it, especially since it was assumed that "black folk didn't do that type of thing". It was not until I realized that I was going down the same self-destructive path, battling my own demons and using sex as a "drug" that I realized that I better start talking before I literally die. Till this day, I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time, because there is hardly a day that goes by that I don't think if it would not be better if I just ended it all..A number of things keep me going, the fact that I believe that God loves me unconditionally (and it took me a loooong time to get there) and also, I don't want my family and friends to go through the same pain that I went through because of my mother's death....It is tough when your mental state has a negative effect on practically everything from keeping a great job to being intimate about others - and I am not just talking sex, I mean not being so afraid to reveal who you really are for fear of rejection.

WAKE UP PEOPLE! This is a growing epidemic and we nee to talk, open up and talk.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/16587741755923221587 NaturallyAlise

I have never been suicidal, but I guess by your definition maybe I have, through in the past with reckless behavior and self medication, I had a good supprt system and went into therapy and was diagnosed as suffering from clinical depression, the sad thing is most people won't or can't afford the therapy they need so badly...
anonymous

I normally don't post anonymously, but this is very personal so I'll do so for this topic.

Yes - contemplated it, tried a couple ways. My main avenue was starving myself, but I also poured some bleach into a cup once and was gonna drink it. My partner at the time sqw me and begged me not to do it.

I tried to starve myself esrlier this year after having a nervous breakdown. I dropped about 15-20 lbs. (which was good in the long run, believe it or not). It was then that I finally forced myself to do what I'd been told to do almost 2 years before - get medication.

Thanks to it and counseling, this is no longer a big challenge for me. Last week I cried because I looked back on how many times I could've committed suicide and didn't. It hit me that I could've actually been dead years ago.

And now, I'm thankful that I didn't. I'll continue with the medication and counseling.

By the way, not only do I have the Terrie Williams book and carry it with me wherever I go..... she personally signed my copy this year.

Thanks for being brave enough to bring up this topic. Too bad I'm not brave enough to show who I really am (yet). But it's good to get off my chest.
anonymous

First, just wanted to say that I just stumbled up on your page and am lovin' it thus far!

Secondly, this is a great topic and I am glad to see that you are addressing this issue. It is unfortunate that the black community fails to talk about this issue, particularly since suicide rates of young black men have increased 300+% in the last 10 yrs. Major depressive disorder, bipolar, schizophrenia and a host of mental disorders are REAL and are NOT the devil, evil spirits, etc! And the presence of these illnesses are often reasons for suicide attempts/follow through. Too often I have seen in the black church where the ideology that been that these diseases are not "real" but can be prayed out. Now, I believe prayer changes things, however God has also given us medical knowledge for our use and medical intervention and therapy are needed to help people who suffer from such illnesses.

Lastly, I was intrigued with suicide as a kid, not quite sure why (maybe I saw something on TV about it, who knows), however the intrigue was lost when a friend from church killed himself in front of his father when I was in junior high. That made me appreciate my life in its ups and downs, got me through the hard times when a close family member died, propelled me to get weekly counseling while going through a divorce, and has been keeping me up while being lonely in grad school in a totally new area of the country.

Again kudos for the topic and to all the other posters, props for sharing your story and for staying in the struggle. Be blessed...
anonymous

The first time I tried to kill myself I was about eleven. I drank some concoction that only made me sick. My childhood was horrible. I lived in a house where nobody said I love you or shown any affection. I've been killing myself slowly ever since. You name it, I've done it. Drugs, drinking, sex and other risky behavior. I would start fights with my ex in hopes he would do the deed for me. I didnt want my kids to be ashamed. I figured if he killed me it wouldn't hurt them as much. I've always thought the world would be better without me. I have no fear of death. The only thing that stops me now from doing it is my mother. My brother was killed and it hurts her everyday. I couldn't bear to think how she would take losing me. I still think about it sometimes but know it's not the answer. I would only hurt the people I left behind and that would be selfish. I didn't realize how many people felt like me. In a way it's kinda comforting that I'm not that different. I hope you understand what I mean by that. My entire childhood I felt so alone and different. Come to find out we are all the same. We are all human.
anonymous

thanks for posting this, and as you can tell by all the comments you are mos def. not alone...

I think the people that have the biggest hopes, the biggest hearts, the biggest smiles, and the biggest dreams, are sometimes the ones that have that urge to not want to live.

I know for me that feeling has come (for split seconds or minutes) ever since I can remember. It is only in the past four years that I have vocalized it and in doing so gotten support from friends to feel that I have more control over my life, and I have control to create a life that is worth living.

One of the things that has made me feel like I should die, is when friends of mine have been killed, I always think why them...

I know that its a statistic but speaking from my own experience as a women who went through it at a really young age, being sexually abused (i was raped when I was 9) made me a little suicidal. I never actually attempted anything but I would hold my breath and wonder what it would be like if that was my last breath. When I felt at those lo points I think what made me feel like it wasn't worth it to live, was that I had lack of control.
But once I was able to change my mentality and know that I am not a victim, and that I do have control over the life I live, what I create, and the dreams and impact that I have on the world, a bad day can make me feel unstable but never bring me down so lo to actually feel that my life is no longer worth living...

i know thats along rant but I guess I am very new to sharing and admitting that I have had those thoughts, and Im too private to not by Anonymous.

thanks for posting
http://www.blogger.com/profile/06455919793487339872 Sunshyne

I've definitely had my moments where I felt like my life had no purpose. I never planned anything out, I don't think I could cause myself pain. One of my friends told me she had tried to commit suicide and it just really hurt me to know that she didnt think she could come to me with her problems. I guess being the one her family counted on all the time was tough and it may have been hard to let herself be vulnerable and talk about her issues. I also had a coworker that actually did commit suicide and I felt bad about that as well. We weren't the closest, but we were cool and I felt like if I had reached out more then maybe things wouldn't have gone that way, but you never really know what others are feeling. That's why I think it's good to have journals or blogs, so even if no one hears your thoughts at least you get them out some kind of way. Cause when all those emotions build up it can turn into a bad situation.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/15922121045231555035 Abenadiva

You are very fortunate that your belt broke. I know a brother who tied a slip knot... The police say he was probably just making a scene to get a wife to return... The knot got stuck. It was a horrible incident. Thank God and I'm sure you have a purpose.
anonymous

"It is unfortunate that the black community fails to talk about this issue, particularly since suicide rates of young black men have increased 300+% in the last 10 yrs. Major depressive disorder, bipolar, schizophrenia and a host of mental disorders are REAL and are NOT the devil, evil spirits, etc! And the presence of these illnesses are often reasons for suicide attempts/follow through. Too often I have seen in the black church where the ideology that been that these diseases are not "real" but can be prayed out. Now, I believe prayer changes things, however God has also given us medical knowledge for our use and medical intervention and therapy are needed to help people who suffer from such illnesses."
____________________________

(I posted anonymously earlier - 12.14.2008 9:12 p.m.)

This right here his the nail on the head. I no longer attend church, but I'm in full agreement with what was said above. In addition to giving us medical knowledge, a Higher Power has also given us people who have studied this information enough to become experts and help those like me who need(ed) it most.

Thart kind of thinking (praying it out) has always annoyed me, even when I attended church/believed in a higher power (now agnostic).
anisha

each ones sufferings are the hardsest , biggest and toughest. reading everyones feedback , and the stuggles they ve had to grow up with. survived through all of it , my problems seem miniscule.

but i know how the thought of suicide is constantly eating away at me. and it truly stems from loneliness. the feeing of desolation and the feeling that there is nothing to live for. nobody would care too much. people would get over it all in a day or two. and move on. there will be nothing that carries me forth. i would have only lived and died leaving behind nothing. almost like i dint exist.

i need to seek help.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Anisha

Look at all the positive feedback you got this week on your post. The impact you made from across the seas/oceans/continents. How can you look at that and then say there is "nothing to live for" or you would be "leaving behind nothing. almost like I didn't exist?"

Pish posh.

Don't let me fly to India and lay the smackdown on you—twice.

Head up, we all have down moments, as I exposed here, but there's always a reason for more.
anisha

fly down to muscat !.... you d love it ... very serene and calm.. great for a holiday ...
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Anisha

Don't you mean fly across? lol

I'm sure it is serene, and the ticket price is probably obscene. lol
anisha

down , across.. as long as you get here : )...

New York- Muscat- New York, $1075....
not bad .. yes?... : )
Elle

Although I am months late for this one, I'd like to comment.

I've never seriously contemplated suicide but for many years as a teen I wished I would just die. Just in a split second ... *poof* ... and I'm gone. Much of it was due to my "dad" and I know for a fact had my mom not finally left him I would have either ran away, turned to hard drugs or killed myself.

2 days after christmas 2004, my ex called me in the middle of the night wanting to tell me goodbye before he tried to commit suicide. I was trying to console him and talk him out of it but the battery in his phone died. This was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life thus far. Even today, my heart starts racing and I panic when the phone rings at an odd time of night.
Luckily, he didnt succeed. I never found out what happened that night. But he was missing for about 2 months until he finally called his mom from a hospital. Maybe because I had to experience first hand what suicide means to the people around you I would never do it myself.

I have a tendency to run away - whether it's physically running away or mentally leaving the present. Over the past few weeks, I have been feeling the need to just vanish. I dont want to be here, I dont care about anything or anybody, it sickens me to see what the people around me deem important or interesting enough to talk about. I just want to be gone. So since I cant pack my bags and leave, I've checked out mentally and emotionally. Even my doc noticed and suggested therapy. Not sure if therapy can fix me though. I highly doubt it. I am damaged beyong repair. So who know's what will happen.
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