She Won't Spend the Night

0 Posted by - January 21, 2009 - Relationships, Love & Marriage

girl-leaving-after-sex

There was this girl named Raquel who I dated for a while. I was digging her and the feeling was mutual, so the relationship eventually turned physical. Everything was fine—great actually—in that department, but on our first night together I discovered one of Raquel’s quirks. After we did the deed, she announced that she was leaving.

At first I thought it was me, but she assured me that wasn’t it. She was just very particular about spending the night over at a guy’s house. I tried to reason with her and explain that that it was late, about 3 in the morning, and if she could share her body with me, the least she could do is share my bed afterwards. Raquel was hardheaded and stuck in her ways, part of what I liked about her, and after lounging for a bit, she hopped in her car and promised she’d call me when she got home, which she did.

Raquel and I would go through this tug and pull every time we were intimate, until finally she buckled and spent the night. Prior to that, though, sure she would lay next to me in the after glow for a bit, but as soon as she felt herself dozing off she’d jump up, gather her things and drive home. I’m sure that there are plenty of guys that would love such a scenario but that’s usually for someone you don’t really care about (NOTE: Just because a man sleeps with a woman doesn’t necessarily mean he cares about her). Fortunately, this wasn’t the case with Raquel. She was a good woman that I actually liked, and sorry if this makes me sound soft to the guys, but sometimes I don’t mind some post-coital cuddling. But like clockwork, Raquel would always try to bounce before sunrise.

Maybe she just liked sleeping in her own bed and didn’t like the idea of getting too comfortable at a man’s house that she wasn’t in an official relationship with. Okay, I could understand the comfort factor of your own bed because I loves my queen size, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna troop all the way to it in the middle of the night after I just had a sexual eruption. The only thing on my mind after one of those is having another one or catching some Z’s. Once Raquel got used to idea of staying over, she was introduced to the wonders of morning sex, coupled with breakfast in bed. That’s when she finally realized what she was missing out on. LOL

So is Raquel alone in her desire to not stay over at a lover’s house? For those that share this practice, what’s the reasoning behind it? Is staying over at someone’s house too intimate for you? Are the reasons behind a woman’s post-sex departure the same as a man’s? Does having someone leave after sex make you feel cheap? Or are you glad you have your bed back to yourself?

Speak your piece…

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  • http://inthesunshyne.blogspot.com yes

    Did you ever go to her house? I feel used when a guy leaves sometimes unless he has a good reason. Or when they try to hint that they want you to leave. That sucks.

  • Chocolate Chiq

    Unless I am in a serious relationship, I usually won’t have sex, hence sleep, at a guy’s place. Haven’t done that since I was alot younger.

    I could say it was a control thing, but I think it was really just what is comfortable for me.

    No walk of shame for me!!! HAHAHA!

  • K-Love

    Like Raquel, I was the same way. As soon as I got a second wind i was in my jeep in a heartbeat, but talking to the man all the way home, so he knew i made it there safely. There is something about waking up in a warm strong embrace, that can open doors you weren’t expecting to open. Small things like looking at each other while we sleep, spooning, the leg braid, even if there was not any chemistry, some will evolve if sleeping over become a regular thing. And a lot of people fear being hurt these days so, they run. We are living in a time where sex can just be sex or it can mean other things, the two people have to decide.

  • Julsnice

    “The only thing on my mind after one of those is having another one or catching some Z’s.”

    I’m sayin, me personally I be feenin for a samich or a smoke!

    For real though, that was odd.
    I never experienced this with another female, not to this degree.

  • Takara

    This totally depends on the guy. If I’m conformable enough to have sex with him I’m probably going to stay the night , if time permits and there is nothing I have to do in the morning. Now if this is a guy that I’m just fucking no need to stay the night I got what I came for and now it’s time to go home. I guess you can say it just depends where we stand….

  • sweetshani

    I would feel cheap if a man did that to me but I do it to the man I am with because I have a child at home. I am not going to find a babysitter everytime I want to enjoy the pleasures of morning sex because that would be too often…lol

  • Ms Curvy With Dreads

    Great Post!

    @ K-Love..
    “There is something about waking up in a warm embrace, than can open doors you werent expecting to open.”

    Truer words never spoken. Its not always the intimacy alone that breeds the emotional attachment. U may feel one way when things begin, but when the bliss subsides and u drift off to sleep, only to wake with that person laying next to you and holding you…it can blur that line if the two people involved havent clearly defined what they’ve just gotten into. Often times we mistake lil things and want to make them into more than they seem. Actions speak louder than words, but unfortunately when it comes to sex…people need to be communicating AS WELL AS fornicating.

    Oh, for the record…I don’t spend the night over to a person’s house. If it is my home, I prefer when they’re done, get it together, get your keys, i’ll walk u to the door…and say “call me when u get home”..lol. Unless I really like that person…THEN they may get the opportunity to cuddle up with me and call it a night….or a morning..depends on how good the “roound 1″ went ….lol

  • DefCon4

    Call me lazy, but I’m staying unless I have some pressing issue thats getting me out of a cozy bed after I’m all nice and relaxed.

  • http://www.guerillaartist.com Deka

    hahahaha let them leave

  • DatBoiB.

    Well I know from my experience it made me feel cheap, esp. If I was feeling her. Sometimes the cuddling seals the deal. Other times it depend on my mood sometimes If I just wanted a nut i would just hit it and let her leave. So it really depends on what you’re in the mood for

  • Taneda holloway

    I do it when i am not in a relationship with him and its purely a fun thing. I’m out!! If you liked me enough it might behoove you to attempt to change the nature of our relationship if you want me to stay over.

  • hanna

    behoove! lol!

  • DADDY-O

    LEAVE/STAY IT IS ALL THE SAME. IF YOU ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT PERSON IT SHOULD NOT MATTER.HOWEVER, IF YOU/HIM/HER ARE INTIMATE THEN IT IS SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU WANT. I DON’T SEE WHY WE (PEOPLE) WOULD LOVE OURSELVES FIRST,THEN WE WOLUD NOT WORRY ABOUT IF (I HAVE TO LEAVE/I WANT TO STAY) .WHEN WE SEE EACH OTHER WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT WE WANT( ESPECIALLY IF IT LIKE HEAVEN WHEN I/HIM,OR SHE TOUCHES THAT MAGIC SPOT. I’M NOT SAYING I’M A PLAYER OR ANYTHING, I’M ONLY SAYING THAT I COMMUNICATE FIRST IN ORDER SO THERE WILL NOT BE ANY MISUNDERSTANDING.IF I’M GOING TO LEAVE ONE OF MY FRIENDS(7 WOMEN) THAT NIGHT I’LL TELL THEM,BUT IF THEY ASK ME TO STAY . I WILL, BUT IF WE (PEOPLE) STOP PLAYING GAMES,AND START BEING HONEST WITH OTHER THEN WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM. LIVE LIFE ON YOUR TERMS,AND NOT ON LOVES’ TERM ALL THE TIME.SOMETIMES LOVE TURNS OUT TO BE LUST,LONLINES,OR JUST TIRED BEING ALONE. YOU ARE CONFINING YOURSELF TO YOUR OWN PRISON WITHIN YOUR LIFE BY PUTTING PRESSURE ON YOUR HEART.———————-DADDY-O

  • Shay

    I would say that I am a hit-and-run artist myself. Only because I am really fragile right now; but I still have my needs. I believe staying the night is more than just sex and crosses the line into intamacy (in to me see). I am not ready for an emotional connections, so I get off and go even if it is 3 a.m.

  • Keisha

    Well I am also a leaver. I don’t believe in staying at a mans house overnight. No matter if we are in relationship or not. I am a Christian and sex before marriage isn’t……………..but when I do I leave. Even if we are in a relationship. God coming back to find me in bed with another man is scary. On the flip side I am not ready for a man to hear me talk in my sleep, snore, drool, or whatever yet. I am 29 and I have my rights.

  • DefCon4

    Word to Daddy-O. Its all about the commuication. No games needed if communication is on point.

    Plus if your feeling the person enough to lay with them, whats so bad about getting a little rest after regardles of the “arrangement”.

    Could some maybe want to be asked to stay and leave in hopes that they are?

  • http://www.funkyminds.blogspot.com CChery

    Big ups to Raquel for bouncing. I digs it.

    PS: Thanks for the shorter post.

  • Anonymous

    Does anybody want to hear the truth? The truth is, all of the aforementioned comments explains why HIV/AIDS is still a perpetual problem in the United States where most people are considered educated. Educated on what? Educated on how to put ourselves in situations where we have mindless sex like wild animals? The results of all these manly “eruptions” and female “explosions” are unwanted pregnancies, (aka) BABY MAMA AND DADDY DRAMA, and STD’s to last a lifetime. Women, you validate yourselves when you say “I’m a leaver.” It makes you feel better, not so cheap, you’re still dignified right? Wrong! You’re still giving IT up AND losing some of your self worth everytime you succum to having sex just because. Men, I have no advice for you because you can’t get it unless the ladies give it up. The bottom line is, start commiting to yourselves. Stop diminishing your value! Love you 1st.Then you can make real love with someone else.

  • LL

    If I am going to be intimate(all other drama aside) Then its going to be a bed that I awake from in the morning, or afternoon.

    I have no interest in sexing then climbing out of bed to leave in the middle of the night, and not sure why some women do it, maybe they are used to being treated that way, or have been with men that have constantly done it to them, so they are used to it.

    Anything else beats me.

  • http://www.fishandspaghetti.com jay1

    This is why i think women leave after sex:

    1.she’s seeing someone else and can’t be missing in the middle of the night or early morning.
    2.she wants to take a dump
    3.she likes her own bed better.
    4.she likes you a lot but she doesn’t want to move too fast (emotionally, i mean), sleeping over is a big deal to some people. Maybe she’s not ready to take that step.
    5.she doesn’t like you in that way, she just wants the sex. sleeping over is way intimate to some people.

  • http://www-eyeswideshut.blogspot.com LyRik

    I agree with Jay1.
    Also, She may have serious commitments ie. child/sick parent, curfew (lol).

    I don’t bring guys to my Apt. There has only been two guys at my Apt in the past 3yrs, and nothing sexual ever occurred. As much as I like the spooning, if I’m not in a relationship with a guy I cannot stay over their place. I feel Like I am obligated to do something that I don’t want to. I mean there have been times when I’ve fallen asleep for a couple of hours, but I would still wake up and leave. I like to know that at the end of the day I am making my own decisions, and I believe that whenever something is someone elses the decision is never truly your own.

  • Chloe

    This used to be very much me. I have to admit that the basis of it was fear of rejection and trying to maintain a sense of control. I would leave YOU…therefore in my mind I controled the situation. I was exactly like Raquel with my current boyfriend. It used to drive him crazy and though it wasn’t my intention, it only made him want me that much more.

  • http://myspace.com/bikerchic650 michelle

    maybe she farts or snores during sleep. its not that serious fellas.

  • Mz.BrandNu

    I agree with Keisha!

  • kuntreethick

    i too was also a leaver. i mean, commitment or not, it is or was what it was. see, imo, guys change their minds like the wind. i’m hot today-gone tomorrow. i also liked hearing the guy begging me to stay. there was this one guy, he lived downstairs, i lived upstairs and i would leave every single time. the crazy part was, we both had to be at work at 6:30 am so we would see each other. i was young. point blank period, it was just a power thing.

  • Yasmine

    I think it’s worse to leave right after sex rather than leave in the morning. It just seems like u got kicked out and that was all he wanted u for was for sex…At least if you spend the night you guys might have cuddled and had some breakfast in the morning or something…More intimate. I’d rather spend the night.

  • Amber

    Yea it sounds like she may have had a man at home and perhaps dumped him and finally started staying with you. He may have worked the grave shift and she wanted to be home before he got home. I hear that’s a big reason why men get up and bounce. You never mention going to her place or saying exactly why she refused to stay at your place. There’s obviously more to this story. But i love to cuddle and spend the night it’s rare that i dont.

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @Amber

    nope. there was no man at her home waiting for her other than her father (and mother). I lived alone so that was the only place anyone would be spending the night. Don’t think there’s much more to the story than that. Some chicks (and dudes) just don’t like sleeping outside their own bed.

  • Dee Gee

    As a guy, I leave when the deed is finished because sometimes I like the comforts of my own bed. Sometimes I like to cuddle to a warm body. Only because we haven’t defined what kind of relationship we have. This is why commumication is so important. We sometimes don’t communcate and get comfortable with the situation.

  • Simone

    I think Rachel didn’t want to get too comfortable or attached. She’s probably protecting herself until she knew for sure…
    I am a romantic at heart so every thing flows through this head of mine when i am with someone. If after sex, regardless of whose bed it is, a man pulls me closer to him and holds me throughout the night, I would think he cares – it’s just who I am. I am working on that though – hiding my emotions and trying not to put too much into it.

  • Simone

    after thought….you mentioned that she was living with her parents. That could be another thing too out of respect to her parents, she’s not spending the whole night out.

  • BTaylor65

    I understand where Raquel was coming from. I have a personal rule about not spending the night with men. It’s not because I snore or anything like that but I believe that sex, love, and relationships are separate entities altogether. Just because you have sex with someone doesn’t mean that you love them. And the same goes for relationships and love. My thing is that I need to feel safe when I lay my head down and until I am comfortable enough with a man, which has yet to happen in the 4 years that I have been sexually active, I will go home to sleep. Now my rule for him staying at my house is that it is up to him, I have no expectations.

  • zeeeee

    I was or still am that way for many reasons and after explaining over and over it dont get to my boyfriend of 4 years im only 18 by the way i always feel like its disrespect toward both of my parents i have spent the night with him before but on the sneaks. but of course i was up checking my phone every two seconds if i spend the night ist dishonoring my parents and pleasing him, but if i dont spend the night its pleasing my parents but pissing him off for not being able to…. sucks i need help on trying to tell them that im grown up and its not like im sleeping with some random guy!! ugh i need help!!!!! but i just think its ethier about her parents my sister is like that and shes 23

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @zeeeee

    Well, your case is way different as you’re only 18. Although you are “grown” in a sense, you still ain’t. You still live at home so you have to abide by their rules and personally I think you have a few years before staying over is gonna be cool with your parents until you have your own spot.

    How old is your bf? I’m assuming he’s close to your age and doesn’t have his own place. Even if he does, he should understand that you have to respect your parents.

  • andreaatkins

    I believe that when a woman spends the night with a Man it should only be if they are in a serious relationship. I believe that when a Woman decides to spend the night with a Man, she should have the confromation from him that he is serious about her, not just for the sex.
    It also depends on the man, sometimes men just like to feel the warm body besides them afterward, cuddle, etc. Depends on the situation, and how satisfied he is toward her (feeling her in a connection). But I believe that both men and women can confuse the situation. That is why I believe that communication is most important in these situations. I have heard that if a man wants you to cuddle, spend the night, etc that means he really likes you…
    I have personally been in this situation before to where I had a really great night of exlposive sex with a man, and we had a very powerful sexual connection, he fell asleep cuddling me, and holding my hand with me in his arms. I could not stay because I had young children at home, so I waited until he fell alseep and then I hit the road. I woke up later on in the morning and he sent me a text asking me what happenend. Then I was confused about how he was feeling, here I thought this was just a relationship based on sex. I just told him how I wasn’t feeling good due to an injury I had gotten a week prior, the alcohol wore off, etc and I had to go home. I wasn’t trying to have any kind of control of any situtaion by doing that, I just had a good reason. Believe me, I would have loved to spend the morning with him in the end, and possibly had round two…but that couldn’t happen..and that possibly would have opened pandoras box for a very confusing situation.

    What do you think?

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @andreaatkins

    What do I think? I think women think too much and have way too many rules, if you’re tired and already in a bed why go out into the cold because of some rule about not being in a relationship? If you’re ready to share your body with someone why won’t you share the bed too, especially one you just had relations in?

    However, I do see the instances where you can’t because have to go home to your kids (or your man if you creepin) but aside from that, if the dude ain’t kicking you out (or it wasn’t wack) why not stay the nite?

  • Nate

    Communication is key. Spending the night undoubtedly changes the relationship. Unless it is truly a FWB situation, I would like to think a woman would feel cheapened if she made love, then the man left. Likewise, a man would feel the woman does not care about him very much if she just left after making love.

    Sleeping together and waking up together is, in my opinion, highly intimate and changes the dynamics of the relationship, in essence, your far more connected than if you did not sleep together.

  • Anonymous

    sounds stupid but she could just be self conscious about in the morning she’ll have “morning breath” or she will look like crap, i get self conscious about that stuff sometimes to

  • Sexleave

    I do it all the time, SIMPLY BECAUSE i cant sleep solid with other people, esp if they snore or are a heavy breather.  It takes some time to get used to someone and be comfortable.  

  • lovelylilly

    Yes, I am like that. I am independant minded and sort of a cool, detached type of female. I think it leaves more mystery leaving, it’s like eating half a cake. Later on in the relationship, once it’s more serious, i’d stay the night. But, only if I can bring my silk pajamas, silk pillow case and hair combs.

  • LEANN

    I DON’T DO CUDDLING, SO LEAVING IS BEST AND YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRIE ABOUT GETTING ATTACHED TO FAST ALSO.ITS NOT A WALK OF SHAME (YOU DO WHAT YOU DO,WHATS RIGHT FOR YOU) iHATE WHEN IM IN BED AND A GUY WANTS TO BE ALL OVER ME I GET HOT AND IM COLD NATURED ALL THE WAY BABY LOL BUT FOR REAL I LIKE TO LEAVE NO MATTER THE TIME. ALSO IT HARD TO KNOW WHEN A GUY REALLY WANTS YOU TO STAY, NOT JUST BEING NICE.

  • that bitch

    Part of the reason is the feeling that Im imposing. Part of it is a feeling that he may want me to go, but is too polite to say it. Until a guy wants to be exclusive or at least asks me to stay the whole night, I just feel more mysterious in bolting, being aloof seems to keep him interested. Im currently seeing for the first time a man who is very nice and polite. We’ll watch a movie, fool around, then cuddle until it’s over. Afterwards when I mention Im leaving he either asks me to stay a little longer or stares at me bewildered. I have to remind myself that this very same man agreed to a casual relationship and went as far to tell me he didn’t want commitment. It’s not my fault he doesn’t know the rules. Just saying…sleepovers are nice and often preferred, but should be reserved for exclusive couples.