You are here: Home » Relationships, Love & Marriage » Can’t Buy My Love (The Upside to a Recession)

Can’t Buy My Love (The Upside to a Recession)

Posted by NWSO • January 28, 2009 • Printer-friendly

i-love-you

Okay, everyone—myself included—keeps crying about the recession. No one has any disposable income and we all live in constant fear of losing our 9-to-5 (well, those of us that still have jobs at least). It's a reality we have to accept or wallow in. Well, I think I may have found an upside, a silver lining in the dark cloud of financial depression.

During the course of several conversations with my boys, I've heard more and more men proclaim, "Yo, I'm gonna have to start cooking for chicks 'cause going out is hurting my pockets." Traditionally, this has been the standard male ploy to lure a woman to his crib in hopes of getting "some" but now it may be a matter of survival. If you've been following my blog for a while, you'll remember my gripes about cheap chicks on dates and my proposal for a date tax. While my focus has typically been on the finances of a date, I've realized the error of my ways: I was totally forgetting about the romantic creativity that poverty can breed.

Long before I had a salary, my paychecks were based on hourly wages. At my highest pre-career point I raked in a whopping $8.25 an hour working at my campus library. It was during these times of limited finances that I was my most thoughtful and creative. Having limited funds forced me to be resourceful. It was a skill I picked up long before I even earned my first paycheck.

Back in high school I didn't have a job, let alone an allowance, but I did have a girlfriend. So this one Valentine's Day I found myself with only $15 to make something happen. Even back then that kinda paper could only go but so far, so it was time to get my MacGyver on. My initial plan was to just buy a dozen roses and call it a day, but when I got to the flower shop near my school I got an epiphany. Rather than blow my stack of ones on 12 long stemmed roses that I would just wind up handing to my girl, I figured I could extend my sentiments by copping four single roses and showering her throughout the day.

As fate would have it, a lot of teacher's called out "sick" on V-Day and it worked out that my girl and I had three free periods and each of mine were right before hers. Because of that I was able to drop a rose in her locker throughout the day, so that every time she came to drop off her books the number of roses she was greeted by would increase exponentially. After the second one, though, she ruined the surprise by going to my locker to check my stash, but the idea gained me super brownie points with her and her girlfriends. Four single roses? $12. Being creative on Valentine’s Day? Priceless.

Now, if I were financially stable I never would have thought of something unique as that. I would have relied on my wallet to define my love and let a price tag supersede my creativity. I think we all have a tendency to fall victim to the ideology that how much you spend reflects how much you care. But the fact of the matter is the thought behind a gift should always hold more weight than its cost.

Given these tough financial times, perhaps we can look forward to more ingenuity on both sides of the fence. Beyond my boys' proclamations of cooking for women, maybe more brothers will start flexing their creativity instead of relying on posh restaurants and drinks at the bar to impress women. On the flipside, perhaps high maintenance chicks will learn to appreciate the simple things in life and not focus on material items and cash expenditures. We're living in tough times and the light at the end of that tunnel isn’t visible just yet, so there should be flexibility and understanding on both sides of the dating curve. But regardless of whether or not we’re in a recession, more folks should rely on their creativity instead of their bank accounts to make a good impression.

What's the most creative thing someone did to impress you? Have your best dates been expensive or low-key? Has the recession affected how often you go out or how much you spend on a date? Have your dates been considerate about your spending and offered to help out with the bill? How much does where you go on a date matter to you? Does it take fancy places and extravagant things to impress you? Or are you more concerned with a good conversation?

Speak your piece…

dollarheart_4

Tagged as: dating, gifts, high school, love, Obama, recession, romance, unemployed, Valentine's Day

distinguishedgentlewoman

I'm one of those rare people who do not put a price tag on love. Who doesn't like gifts and to be treated every once in a while? But putting a dent in my man's wallet on a regular basis and making him prove his love by showering me with expensive things is not my style. The best present I ever got: My first love showed up at my house one day and surprised me with a single red rose. There was no occasion to celebrate; he just felt like giving me a rose. I couldn't help but cry. No one had ever given me flowers before, and it was totally unexpected. That night after he left, I wrote a poem about it and pressed the rose into my journal. Kept it for years. I didn't care about the cost; it was the thought behind it that mattered.

My best date: staying up all night with him talking at Canarsie Pier in Brooklyn and watching the sun come up. It was the coolest thing. It was the perfect summer night, and we were basking in each other's company. Doesn't get any better than that.
http://nwso.net NWSO

Nah, of course the first date should NEVER be at someone's house. ALthough I think I may have had one, but it was someone I knew for a while as a friend or something and whatever chain of events led to her or my house. Like we planned a picnic in the park (creative sorta) but it started to rain so dipped to my crib to talk

Yeah, most dudes on that come over or can I come over stuff is looking for some action. Not all, but most
http://www.blackfemmefatale.wordpress.com jolie

I think creativity is key. It doesnt have to be the most expensive date in the world it just should be well CREATIVE ..
I still dont think a man should ask a woman on a first date to his house for dinner.. JUST TACKY and not in good taste because it can be misconstrude.
RobtheMusicEd

Well since I'm married my wife and I are in the same financial boat with a gang full of holes and only one oar.These are the times which really define us and with Valentine's Day fast approaching I have to think of a creative way to express my love. It'll come to me.
Dr. BluInBK

I do not know what to say about Valentine's Day. I know that I had not had one of those in ages, and I would be scared out of my pants if one showed up....
I do not know if I am the only woman who feels this way, but I could careless about any fancy gift for any special day. It is the thought that counts or better yet as long as I am spending time with the one who I love or like a lot at the present time. I would probably cook for my man and treat him to a full body massage...nothing sexual...just yet! But, I would do little things to show him that he is appreciated for all that he is.
righteous mama

Okay I'm mad at you for referring to the Crown Fried Chicken story as the cheap chic story. Especially, when you admit a first date should never be at someone's house.

But I digress, this economy has def had a positive affect on my love life. I think it makes people think about what's really important in life.
Dr. BluInBK

Sorry, let me answer the questions:

The most creative thing was not on Valentines Day. I was dating a guy in the military. At the time the relationship was new a fresh. You know how that goes all kissy kissy and what not. It was during the summer and his grandfather had just passed away. I was on the phone trying to cheer him up. By the way, he was stationed in Hawaii and the funeral was in Philly. We had made arragements for me to pick him up from the airport in DC (at the time I was living in MD), and I would go to the funeral to give some moral support. Well, he had called a few days later to cancel the plans because he had to get to Philly as fast a possible. Cool! On the day he was suppose to arrive, I went to work as usual. The normal routine was a phone call in the morning, one around noon and then another around 6 or 7 pm. Sometimes we spoke when I got off of work, which is what happened. That day I was telling him that a package (that he sent) had not arrived and I was rushing home to receive it. As I pulled into the apt complex and not paying attention to my surroundings, I walk up to my door and found the package. I openned it (he was on the phone with me) and was telling him how happy I was to receive 12 Godiva White chocolates (my favorite). Then there was a knock at the door, I told him to hold on while I answer the door. I openned the door and there he was...scared the SH!T out of me. I slammed the door in his face, fell on the floor and began crying. He walked in laughing...But, that was like the best feeling ever.

Second question, do not do dates...I just do not like them. But if I did, they would have to be low key.

Since I am single, the recession had not affected me. If I went on a date, my date would not have to worry about my spending because I am mindful of his financial situation at the time whether I know about it or not. And if he was in a bind and we went out, I would pay for our meals. We can go to a hole in the wall for all I care just as long as he and I have a good time. Oh! I love to walk and talk, so that would not cost anything.
tracs

Honestly sometimes I think you guys do it to yourselves. This guy I am seeing sent me a gigantic bouquet of flowers one Vday. I know this might sound terrible but I was curious what they cost so I went to the florist's website to discover it was a big $250 bouquet. I loved that he spent that much on me but I was filled w/ dread that he would spend that much because to me he set a standard that he may not be able to live up to. By his own admission he thinks a guy needs to be making a certain amount to be able to afford a woman. If only he knew I wasn't even that type of girl that needed that sort of thing. Personally to me that much spent on flowers was a BIG WASTE. They died w/in a week. Furthermore, the next gift giving holiday he was brokish & it was very awkward. Like I said, he did it to himself. He could've made me a macaroni card & I would've been thrilled.
http://www.superlovelyful.com Hannah

my best first date ever involved a bucket of good sidewalk chalk and grocery store sandwiches. We sat on the steps at Union Square, ate sandwiches,drew a sidewalk mural and just talked and laughed.

The man didn't have much pocket, but he listened, gave great conversation and was attentive and inventive.

I'm so not impressed with pocket. Money comes and goes and if that's the basis for your interaction, what next?
Lonias

This guy recently asked me if we could get together sometime. We had met online, exchanged some notes, and conversatiion was "OK". He listed some options for our "date": movies, shooting pool, going for drinks. A few notes before this, he had mentioned that he was a bit strapped. I have bills and expenses, too -- I can respect that, and passed no judgement. When he asked me out, I asked him to choose and I would meet him there. By the time "negotiations" ended for this date, he had downgraded this date to a walk and then a DVD at his house. It's January and the temps range from 20-30 degrees outside AND I don't visit a man's house whom I just met! I told him that perhaps the timing was wrong, and we could just exchange notes for a while.

I suppose I understand why he first tried to impress me, and then he had to come back to the reality of his financial situation. I guess I'm a bit frustrated at the fact that he described one date and then backtracked. If you can't afford dinner or movies for two, should you be asking someone out to those activities? It's not fair to doom a guy to loneliness just because he has fallen on hard times, but that should mean that a guy in this kind of situation should try to impress a woman in some other way...right?
http://www.k581.wordpress.com Lilah

If it comes from the heart and is truely geniune! I will love it!
http://www.k581.wordpress.com Lilah

P.S. LOVE THE NEW SITE!
Mark B. Esquire

Someone said it best above...we do it to ourselves. I definitely have tried to 'show bank' on a date and it played out well. However you do set a standard that your date now has set in their mind, whether you can or even want to live up to that standard is your dilema. On the flip I've also been creative and thrifty on a date and strangely enough had a more positive reaction and outcome for thinking outside the box. I guess it all depends on the individual! Next stop: A date at White Castles, Stroll through Prospect Park, and the kicker? A ride back to her place just in time to release the effects of the 'MurderBurgers'!!! She better appreciate that!!!jk
chocopina

i don't know how creative this is but it definitely but a huge cheese grin on my face...

i was in the early stages of seeing a guy. he was a regular kind of guy, not a lot of money but really smart - one of the reasons i was attracted to him. and he - like me - had eclectic interests and tastes.

during a convo we had he says that he thinks my name is beautiful. he thinks my name is so beautiful and the images of beauty it evokes in his imagination that it should be used in an opera. now i am a cultured girl, but opera is not a genre that i am extremely familiar with, and to hear this guy say this was more than a little strange.

so i am like oh thank you, that's pretty powerful imagery you've got there. no one has ever said to me before. and he's says no i am serious. he gets up and puts a cd in the stereo and this opera starts to play. in my mind i am like uhhh wtf is going on, this is kinda weird. so i ask hey uhm what's this?

he said i told you your name was so beautiful that it should be in an opera and it is. this man is singing a love song to a woman that has the same name as you. homeboy had the english translation of the opera ballad and sure enough the guy is singing to a girl with my name.

i have an arabic name, and not one that i hear too often, so the likelihood of my name being used as a character in an italian opera is like 5 billion to 1. the fact that this guy knew opera and went and found the ballad to play for me was one of the most romantic things that has ever happened to me.

blank cd - $1, using roommate's cd burner and internet - 1 beer, using the school's computer lab to find and print translation - $0, my overwhelming response - priceless!
http://www.nakedwithsockson.com NakedWithSocksOn.com

@DrBlu

Spread the word to the rest of your species. lol
*I kid, I kid*

@Righteous Mama
I knew you would say that. I did it just to mess with you. LOL. You know I have love for RMama.

@Tracs
word, i never get flowers. I do em on occasion but not for no $250. Unless I really really messed up

@Rob
Hey, Tracs said you can get your wife a Macaroni card. try it for Vday and see what happens

@Lilah
Thanx

@Chocopina
So what happened with dude? Did he get lucky? lol.. I mean, did you guys work out?
righteous mama

Haha, NWSO. Love back at ya.

@chocopina - I would have completely melted!!

Homeboy gets kudos for that one!!
The Underdog

It was April of '95 and I was broke. My then girlfriend had a friend who worked at BAM. She told me to meet her there @ 3, and I thought we were going to sneak into a show. They took me upstairs to what I thought was the balcony. Instead it was the rehearsal room where Betty Carter (R.I.P) was rehearsing her "Jazz Ahead" band (basically the baddest cats under 30). Christian McBride Marcus Strickland, Cyrus Chestnut, etc.

I was already beyond impressed by who I saw and what I heard. We stood in the back until the band took a break. Leigh (my then girlfriend) and her friend Drea then walked me to the front of the room and said "Betty this is Dalmar, he's a huge fan of yours and todays is his Birthday..." they sat me down in the front row to watch the rest of the rehearsal.

Suffice to say, that evening, I did everything humanly possible to say "thank you."
chocopina

@NWSO -
He did indeed get lucky. A few times. But no we didn't work out in the end, but we are still cool. i told him he can't ever date another woman with my name. and if he does he better not give her the same present!

@righteous mama -
I totally got teary eyed! I was speechless for a few moments. I think he was nervous at 1st because he couldn't tell if I was happy or what. It was the 1st time a guy moved me to tears.
Lynsey

It's the thought that counts, but the biggest turn off for me is a cheap man, or cheap people in general. I know myself, and I know that I would kind of feel bad for a man or look down on him if he didn't somewhat impress me in the early stages of dating. By no means am I a " Gold Digger " I have my own funds, but I grew up more on the privledged side of life and I don't know how I would react. Now if we were dating for a long period of time and in a somewhat committed relationship I would really appreciate a man cooking for me and I would find it very endearing and sweet. Money is not everything, believe me. I once dated a billionaire and he was the worst man I have ever dated in my life. He sent his assistant out to get a me a Valentine's Day Gift, and his assistant also had picked out the gift without any input from the man I was dating. That was a real turn off and let's just say...things went downhill after that.
In a fresh, brand new, relationship I think all women want to feel impressed. I think it depends on the woman though. Some women think going to Applebee's is impressive and other's would be offended by that. I came from an Old School Italian backround and I was raised that it is proper for a man to pay for dinner or a date, open doors, and treat a woman like a lady. As we know times have changed. Men don't seem to be romantic anymore. I would rather have romance, than a expensive dinner at Mr. Chow's. Most of today's men would expect " something " in return if they take you on a date and spend X amount of dollars. I have real Old School ( dating ) values, I guess, but I want to feel like I'm appreciated and I want a man, to want to impress me, in the beginning of the whole dating process. People are crazy these days. If a man wanted to cook me dinner on our first date...I would be scared and hesitant he would put some " date rape " drug in the food, people are crazy and capable of some off the wall things these days.

Best Date: Coppola Vinyards in Calafornia

Worst Date: When the person's assistant brought my gift to me while we were out having dinner. That was somewhat embarrassing and totally unthoughtful.

Here's one last thought...
Why don't men be more creative about dating. You don't always have to take us to dinner on the first date that's so cliche. Find an alternative to going to dinner, you never know, you may not have to spend any money. One of the best dates I was on was with a man that met me at my place and we walked around NYC the entire night just conversating. Sounds weird but it's true.
http://www.twitter.com/itsmejess JessPatrice

I am not going to lie- I am the girl who has been spoiled by men and have not objected to really expensive dinners and nights on the town, visits to my favorite shops, and other random gifts. I brought that to my current relationship expecting that my man would accommodate my tastes and live up to standards that had been set by gentlemen friends before him. The funny thing is that I am not with the type of guy that would do these types of things for women he previously dated, but he has expressed to me on an infinite number of occasions that he only wants to make me happy- that he would do whatever made me happy and kept me smiling because he only wants that for me. That's when I realized I needed to do a little self evaluation.
A year into my relationship I started to really think hard about what I valued in our relationship and in my man as a person and to be honest money did not surface in the equation! I also realized that after all the effort that my man made (and continues to make) I hadn't really been doing the little things to show I appreciated HIM doing these things for me. At one point in the relationship the resent came and I we were both stuck trying to figure out how we got to these rocks in the first place! The answer: lack of simplicity! lack of genuine time spent together! lack of breaking the routine and trying something new (which meant we need to can all the fancy weekly dinners and nights on the town and evenings at big productions and shows and shopping!) Enough was enough!
These days we are taking the tough economy in stride. We have agreed that just going to our favorite cafe on Sunday morning for chocolate pastries and coffee is just as fun as a four star brunch! We take full advantage of Comcast cable now and watch Def Jam comedy even instead of renting a flick at blockbuster. My man has learned to not have so much pride in what he can work hard to do for me by taking me to his companies restaurants where we get 50% off; he is so much more open to letting his clients take us to dinner! We've found that people actually really enjoy us as a couple and that's pretty cool. The last few special occasions including Christmas, New Years have been more low key with potluck parties at our friends' houses although I did take my man to a really nice restaurant on his birthday we were mindful of spending on the next week. We are four years strong and we are still really young (<25). So I think that we are building a stable foundation to handle tough times. I'm a lucky girl.
EllianasMama

I think a simple picnic at a beautiful location would be very romantic . . . maybe as the sun is setting