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The Price of Love (Rings & Things)

Posted by NWSO • March 5, 2009 • Printer-friendly

ring-ball-chain

The other day I found myself involved in an interesting conversation with this girl Shanita, who I met through my friend during brunch. Apparently Shanita and her long-term boyfriend have been together for six years and she’s been waiting for the past two years for her ring. Now, the idea of a woman wanting/expecting an engagement ring after several years of monogamy is not unheard of. In fact, Shanita assured me that her beau is more than ready to make that lifelong commitment to her. The reason for her wait, though, is that she wants a specific ring. A five-figure sparkler that he’s been spending the past 24-plus months saving up for, while also stacking chips for the down payment on their first home once they're married.

As a homeowner, I know how tough it is to come up with the down payment for a new crib, but to be completely honest I have/had no idea how much a good engagement ring goes for (I don't wear jewelry, not even a watch, it's just not my thing). Even still, a 10K ring doesn't seem too outlandish for the woman you plan to love 'til death do you part, but at the same time, that's at least a fourth of the down payment you’d need to put down on a decent home. My financial-framed mind can think of a million better ways for newlyweds to spend that kind of money on. Furthermore, I doubt in these tough financial times that the average Joe has an extra 10Gs laying around in his bank account in hopes that his beloved says "I do." Couldn't that money go to buying their first home, opening a college fund for their first born, or just something more concrete and sensible than a piece of jewelry that rests solely on your bride’s finger?

That's not to say I don't believe the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with doesn't deserve the absolute best, it's just that I don't think there should be a price tag on your love. Given the costs of weddings, homes, kids, etc., doesn't a high priced bauble seem a little less significant in the grand scheme of things? No wonder the average couple begins their marriage in a financial hole and it takes them years before they can actually buy their first crib (if at all). You can't live in or eat a ring, but the money overspent on one could provide so much. To top it all off, it's a but unfair because the union starts off with the woman getting a bonus, while the guy gets stuck with bill. Of course, marriage isn’t about who gets what and how much (that's for the divorce lawyers to figure out) but it still seems like a lopsided way to begin a lifelong relationship. The woman demands/expects a pricey token of affection, and if the man doesn't deliver gets placed in the doghouse forever or gets viewed as less of a man.

While all these thoughts rattled around in my head, I finally asked Shanita one pivotal question: “If your boyfriend gave you a ring that was lesser than the one you dreamed of, would you accept it or walk away?” Thankfully, she gave me hope for the female species by saying that yes she would accept a lesser ring because she truly loves him. She did admit that she would be highly disappointed, though. I can live with that, but if she had said she would have walked away I would’ve given her serious side-eye. Because if a woman is more focused on a ring and its price tag rather than the actual meaning behind it and the love it symbolizes, then that female probably isn't the right one for me.

I know most little girls dream of their wedding day with all their family, friends and enemies basking in their special day (the man is usually just another accent to her day). And they fantasize about the day their beloved gets down on one knee and pops the big question. After a woman says yes, she’ll walk around for months/years showing off their rock to anyone with eyes. But I'd hope in all the excitement and hoopla that the woman I gave that ring too (no matter the price) would value my love, my presence, my pluses and negatives more than a gold or platinum band with a fossilized piece of coal on her finger. I hope, I pray.

Okay, ladies, same question: If the man you loved got you a ring that was lesser than the one you wanted, would you accept or decline? Why? How important is an engagement ring to you? Would you sacrifice a pricey ring in favor of buying a home or starting a college fund for your kids? Do you think there are some women out there that dream of getting married so badly that they’ll accept a ring from a man they don’t even love just to get hitched? Fellas, how much would you be willing to drop for the love of your life? Is there such a thing as too much?

Speak your piece…

beer-engagementring

Tagged as: bachelor party, bride, engagement, expensive, fiancee, groom, happily ever after, husband, I do, love, Marriage/Love, newlyweds, price tag, proposal, ring, wedding, wedding vows, wife

KiSS

It has always boggled my mind on how much people spend on rings and weddings. I would love a nice diamond but if its between that and a home a regular gold (yes gold not platinum) band would be cool for me. I could not justify a 10k ring, a 50k wedding and still renting or living with a parent. I would never want to start a marriage in the hole. The only reason I wouldn't go to the court house is because my mom would have a heart attack. But for some women all of these things are most important to them. For me its an option (a huge beautiful ring) but its not a standard compared to a home and healthy finances
hanna

i would actually forgo the engagement ring in favor of a down payment on a home. an intimate garden ceremony with close friends and an "artsy" silver wedding band would be perfect as long as the right man was willing to build a future together with me.
EmotionalFunk

Oh I would accept if I got a ring less than what I thought I should get but to me its sure not about the ring anyway though. I could actually care less about the ring because like you said 'you can't eat it' but if money were no option I like to have a great ring.

I'm sure there are some women who'll jut accept a proposal just to "be" married without considering the consequences though. I know a couple of ladies who got married just becuase the guy they were seeing asked them but they were't really feeling the guy...yhey're divorced no though so I guess thats to be expected.

I guess my ring would be cheap since I stopped wearing diamonds and gold several years ago. But I sure wouldn't take no Heinekin ring like in that picture you used in this post...but I might be persuarded to bend for a patron ring, lol.
EmotionalFunk

Oh I would accept if I got a ring less than what I thought I should get but to me its sure not about the ring anyway though. I could actually care less about the ring because like you said 'you can't eat it' but if money were no option I like to have a great ring.

I'm sure there are some women who'll jut accept a proposal just to "be" married without considering the consequences though. I know a couple of ladies who got married just because the guy they were seeing asked them but they were'nt really feeling the guy...they'divorced no though so I guess that's to be expected.

I guess my ring would be cheap since I stopped wearing diamonds and gold several years ago. But I sure wouldn't take no Heinekin ring like in that picture you used in this post...but I might be persuaded to bend for a patron ring, lol.
sb

Bitch ain't gettin nuthin but a Fred Meyer ring and a place in my bedroom (I ain't changin the Simpsons sheets tho)
EmotionalFunk

@ sb

you know ain't nobody hardly knowing about Fred Meyer's but umm they got some decent jewelry in the jewelry department so that ain't too bad
sb

But foreal I would rather invest in a lasting marriage then a 10k ring.....no offense but it homegirl seems a lil shallow (although it seems that a lot of NY girls are...u should do a blog about that)
sb

@ EmotionalFunk

I was half joking cuz no one wants a ring from there haha
New Money Machink

Im fitna sound crazy, i know. But.

I could give a rat's ass about some wedding ring. Im ALL FOR vocal and lasting expressions of love (i like the idea of secret matching tats, and coming home to a new audi with a big red ribbon around it LOL).

But the concept of some rock that someone decided to tell everyone was worth so much when its just another rock, and then they go so far as to mine and HIDE them so as to keep the price steadily high, annoys me. And my conspiracy theorist mind always assumes that its a conflict diamond. LOL

I don't even want a big wedding. Honestly, I want a man who's crazy enough to wanna go to vegas and find a drive thru Elvis chapel w/ me. I'll throw a party for the loved ones when we get back home.

the whole pomp and circumstance of what is at the end of the day a business arrangement, bores me. It IS the next logical step. "Hey, we wanna spend the rest of our lives together. Lets go benefit from the tax breaks we can get because of it!" But to me, it's in the heart and that's it.
T So Sincere

WOW... I’ma have to pop my NWSO cherry by replying to this post. Can I just keep it real? Forget you can’t put a price tag on love because you surely can try. Every single time a woman sees another woman with a piece of jewelry on her left hand, a wedding ring detector goes off and that ring gets eyeballed. No matter how the woman does it, whether quick or slow, blatant or discrete, it’s bound to happen. Sad but true, we live in a society where engagement rings equal status; we judge based on that fact alone. If we didn’t, diamonds wouldn’t be a girls BFF. A woman doesn’t have to say anything; the ring speaks for itself. It tell the passers-by, yeah, my man loves me this much. It can also scream he hates me this much because he only put down a deposit on this darn thing so we'll both end up paying it off.

And I don’t care how much love you have, women and MEN play into it. Yeah, you men actually play a bigger role because ya’ll the ones setting the tone by buying these blood diamonds. If men refused to buy diamonds and instead place rubber bands on the woman they’d like to pledge the start of the rest of their lives, then you talking about a recession? The world market would hinge on rubber bands.

Another thing that trips me out are these weddings. Does anyone see past the wedding and contemplate marriage. I swear if more people looked past the short term, and really broke that til death do you part line down, the divorce rate wouldn’t be over 50%. I have many girlfriends who've MADE their parents pay 75k PLUS on a wedding that lasted at most 7hrs! YES, I’ve been to my share of six figua weddings. And no matter how lavish and how much ooo-ing and ahh-ing that was done, at the end of the night, once the last piece of rice was thrown, the final bubble was popped, the 2 become 1 and reality sets it. Your parents aren't going to bail you out on your shared mortgage, your shared insurance bill, your shared car payments, your shared learning how to adjust to this person’s living ways, your shared he left his shoes in the middle of the hallway problem. So I blame the parents because 1) they’re only spending so much to impress their friends, 2) they set unrealistic expectations, 3) they set a bad precedent for the next friend’s wedding. My parents already told me, my wedding will be in our family home’s back yard and we’re ordering sonny’s bar-b-q with extra sweet tea. THey're practical. They’d much rather give me the money to put towards our first home together or to pay off graduate loans because they've been together over 25years; no short term thinking there.

Our society is all about the moment. But someone needs to tell newly engaged people and the people who are paying for their weddings, that moment too shall pass… step into the light.
Elle

I do not mean to step on anyone's toes and I know this is a broad generalization but these huge engagement rings and over-prized (is that a word?) weddings seem to be an "American thing". Out here people rarely get engageged and if they do, they both get a simple wedding band and simply switch the hand they are wearing it on during the wedding ceremony.
I cannot believe the lengths some (US) guys are willing to go for an engagement ring even if they clearly can't afford it simply because it's "what you do". Huh? Said who? Is there a law that says an engagement ring must have a size at which it can clearly drag you to the ground of the ocean if you happen to go swimming a little to far out?

My fiancé was bending over backwards to find a ring. Since he hadn't found an "appropriate" one and I was getting ready to fly back home, he proposed with a keyring. If it hadn't been way too big I would be wearing it right now. To me, this keyring was the best gift ever and it puts a huge smile on my face everytime I look at it.

I'm sure some bling would have had the same effect on me simply because of what it symbolizes. But I'm not the "girly girl" type when it comes to many things - like jewelry. Number one, I do not believe in wearing Diamonds or any kind of gemstone because too many people die while trying to find them. I'm not with that.
Number two, I am of the practical kind. Meaning: I do not want to spend money on BS. Well, ok let me rephrase: I do not like spending money on things I deem BS in my personal opinion. Some of the things I'd rather spend the money on are BS in others' opinions as well. For example, I am not the one for a huge wedding. Unfortunately, my fiancé is - also because he has a huge family, which I dont. So I would much rather spend money on a reaaaaaaaaaaaally nice honeymoon (like a trip around the world) than a wedding. Or - and this is highly "unromantic" - keep the money we would spend on clothes we'll likely never wear again and on food for people we'll probably only see once a year to have a down payment for a home.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not the super frugal type. I'll happily spend money on things I find important. But engagement rings and weddings do not fall into that category in my view of the universe. I rather enjoy life with the people I love, see the world, try everything at least once and ride around in a reliable vehicle.

Rings can get lost. Fingers can become fat.
Optical_Illusion

@ Elle

Not to change the subject, but I get soooo very tired of people knocking Americans for our lifestyles.

According to some, Americans do everything TOO big. We eat too much, we spend too much on our clothes, we give our kids too much freedom. Americans are lazy.

Shut the hell up. Not you in particular, but ALL of the complainers about the American way of life that hide in luggage and get visas under the false pretense of studying to get here!!!!!

And I know plenty of fat, blinging, bad kid having, whole family on welfare, foreigners.
Elle

It's not about knocking anyone's lifestyle. To each their own. Every country, culture or society is different. Personally, I could care less what Americans, Chinese or Tazmanians do - culturally speaking. It is what it is and we all have to respect/accept individual approaches to life. I was merely pointing out a difference I noticed. Nothing more, nothing less.

BTW: To the outside world, fat, blinging, bad kid having, whole family on welfare foreigners who RESIDE inside the US are considered Americans by us.

Besides: Foreigners get soooo very tired of constantly being under suspicion of trying to sneak into your country when all they want is to enjoy a vacation, visit friends or go shopping.

Enough of the generalization though. Like I said in my post, my intention was not to step on toes or to generalize. I merely spoke on a difference I noticed between our cultures. If I offended anyone in doing so, I apologize.
distinguishedgentlewoman

I may be shallow, but I WANT THAT BEAUTIFUL ENGAGEMENT RING. I have already designed it in my mind: platinum, diamond, and sprinkles of my birthstone around the diamond--or diamonds around my birthstone. But if it came down to choosing between the ring and investing in our future, honey, I choose the latter.

There are too many folks out there who care more about the engagement and wedding rings and big, expensive wedding ceremonies than they care about the actual marriage. For me, the marriage is so much more important than some piece of jewelry, a pretty white dress, and an outrageously expensive wedding. (Outlandish weddings bore me). Friends of mine just had this big, fancy, and expensive wedding with all the trimmings. The next day when I spoke to the groom, he was pissed off at his guests because he didn't get as many monetary gifts as he had expected. His rationale was that people should know that a couple starting out would need money more than they would need sets of dishes and toasters. Well ain't that something! Shouldn't he have thought about his own damn future expenses before he invested in some high-cost wedding ceremony that he obviously couldn't afford?

I think if society put as much time and energy--and money--into the marriage as they do the wedding ceremony and rings, the divorce rate would not be so high. That's my 2 cents.
Simone

I would be happy with a cubic zirconia. I am not big into jewelry and honestly, i wouldn't even be able to tell you the difference between a fake or real diamond. I do not care to know it either. What is enough for me is that the person that I love and supposedly loved me back wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, wants to create a home and family with me. Something my friends don't understand or my mother for that matter, but it's just me. Another thing, is that jewelry don't last with me for over 1yr so that would be a waste of 10k.
10k - i agree with setting up college funds for the kiddies. I believe in using it to purchase a home. I believe in clearing up any outstanding bills and bringing one's credit up to par. Paying off a car note. I even believe in trust funds. Saving for a rainy day. So many things, could come to mind with that money.
arlene

#1 Men play into the diamond thing as well. I know for a fact a couple of my girlfriends got engaged later because the guy wanted to get a specific diamond (that she didn't ask for).
#2 now spending 10k on a ring is kinda crazy to me as well BUT that ring CAN be used, if hard times hit, to feed the fam, pay some bills, etc. This is why it is important to get a quality ring.
http://slangrap.wordpress.com Aqua

NWSO, find Shanita man and tell him to run for the hills. Dude is slaving for a glorified rock AND a downpayment and she still talking about being disappointed if said gem isn't up to par? Tell him to use the extra dough for a bigger downpayment because once women hear, "I own my home," he's in like Flynn.

But seriously, when I was looking for the engagement ring for my now wife (I won't speak on the price, just say it was enough), I had always heard something about 2 months salary should do the trick. Mind you in the feast or famine world of freelancing, if i was cheapskate I could have used that to my advantage. When looking for rings I took one of my wife's great friends, a mercifully a jewelry aficionado, with me and she told me, "Look, no matter what ring you pick, she'll love it because you picked it."

Being that my mate is sensible and some supeficial kook, her words rung true. The ring DID set me back, but not so much so that we weren't able to cop a new crib and like, eat.
http://slangrap.wordpress.com Aqua

That should read, "Being that my mate is sensible and NOT some superficial kook..."
Pandora

A certain friend of mine a few years ago got engaged...we're not friends anymore & I'll tell u why in a sec. Anyway, her man, now husband proposed with one ring which she sent him back & willingly put both of them in debt for a bigger diamond because the original was smaller than her sister's. I got proposed to around the same time( no ring required. We went & bought simple bands & being the baby in my family & only girl my parents sprung for a huge wedding ( their need to invite all their friends. For all I cared I could've done it in the backyard). So because of home girl's big rock, she had to settle for a not so big venue for her event & her family seeing how competitive she was about the ring refused to help pay for the wedding. Our friendship ended because she felt I was upstaging her. Saddest part , both she & hubby were cheating on each other the whole time they were dating & continued the same way right into the marriage. Why? Why put on such a big fake show when the marriage itself which is what the whole thing is about in the first place is not your goal? smh
http://www.loveloleeta.blogspot.com JessyRod

@ Distinguished Gentlewoman: DITTO!

Keeping it really really real ... I want a beautiful ring. "Beautiful" of course as I define it. Does that mean it will cost 10k? Likely not. My tastes and style tend to be eclectic (as my partner already knows) and I happily suggested he consider a recycled or antique ring when he decides "the time has come." It suits my personality and my practicality. On a random tangential, he will also be receiving a ring of equal value. If people can look at me and know that I'm "promised" than they should look at his hand and know the same thing.

I'm also more concerned with having a marriage than a wedding. What could be more painful or repentent than being focused on a 50K day and having a marraige that lasts 50 days?

My favorite wedding thus far was that of my BFF. She and her beau of 10 years went to the courthouse with just closest family and friends to say their "I do's". We celebrated with dinner at a cafe after.
http://www.swindiaandkarina.com Swindia

As long as it's larger than the ex-wife's.
SARKASTKBASTID

Fuck the illusion of all that. If a bitch cares more about a ring then her relationship, she's a straight up gold digger. Not to say its wrong that pretty girls should want nice things, but if you have more money on your finger then your man has in his checking account, you are both pretty much fucked in life. Get it straight ladies, if its a ring you are after, better off saving up and buying that shit yourself. I feel like when its time its time, and whatever your man can afford to spend at the time should do. My cousin bought his wife some crazy expensive ring a few years ago and now in this economy he's struggling to make payments on their condo. I spent over well over 10k getting engaged and it wasn't all wasted on a ring. The journey is the destination in life... try not to forget it.
moonstarz

Super fancy ring and really expensive weddings don't mean much to me. If you can get it or afford it, great! If not, that's also perfectly fine. I lose ALL jewelry anyway.

I just want to be happy with a guy I am crazy about and who is crazy about me, forever, the next time around.
paulettebajangal

well I was married before and we never bought rings.Just did the Borough Hall thing with a few family members in tow. I don't believe in the big weddings and big rings and such.It's a waste of money. I've heard people say they spend all that money and people show up all decked out in their finest and then disappear from their lives after the wedding....leaving behind a $10 gift from macy's that they don't need anyways.

I would much rather a down payment on a house to a $10K ring...actually i would change my mind about marrying a man that thinks that's cute to spend that kind of money on a super over-priced rock imbedded into a super over-priced piece of metal.I'm in the fashion industry... i know the real cost of that ish.

And if it's taking him 24 months to muster up enough to buy the ring...how long is it gonna take to muster up enough for the ridonkeylous wedding she's gonna need???...stupidity.
BK

hahaha "If a bitch cares more about a ring then her relationship, she’s a straight up gold digger."

I take it my man is NOT married.
http://www.blog.mookiedesign.com Cam

MAN, I guess I'm a different dude. Ring be damn! IF that's the hold up then the wedding is gonna be in a court house with immediate fam and friends only! This is plain stupidity in an economy like this one. Why are they gonna go in debt for a symbol when most americans barely can get that house? Better get their priorities str8! retarded.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@ LINY1919

First off, all that mumbo jumbo you spoke about karats and sets is language most men (I imagine) don't speak, but apparently women know it backward and forward. LOL For real, you sound like a damn jeweler, when you're probably just a woman who knows her jewelry, while I don't even have a clue to what my ring size is. That's probably why most guys have to bring someone with them to get the ring.

@ litabia & @Elle

You sure y'all ain't dating the same guy????? LOL
CChery

I definitely think some women get desperate. They get to a certain age, freak out about not being hitch and settle for the next dude. There's tons of folks out there who settled for people they aren't really feeling like that.

I don't know about a girl making a girl who's ready to get married just cause she wants a bigger ring. As you mentioned, the money could definitely be used elsewhere. Dude must love her to death to go along with it.
Chocopina

I will admit that I was all about making my lucky guy (whom I haven't met yet, lol) spend big bucks on a ring. That is until I ran across an article a while back that gave the history of the diamond engagement ring in the United States.

De Beers saw a decline in diamond demand and value during the great depression (20's & 30's). This was because no one was buying new diamonds and diamonds that people did have were being sold to help make ends meat causing the diamond market to be overcrowded with product. De Beers needed to find a way to get back in the market so they came up with their "A Diamond is Forever" campaign in the late 40's.

The campaign worked so well that people started to hold on to diamonds they already had and also started purchasing new diamonds which created high demand causing the value to skyrocket.

At the same time De Beers was sending product info to jewelers who purchased their product. One of the points was to tell men that 2-3 months of salary was the ballpark figure to use when purchasing an engagement ring.

And for anyone who doesn't remember De Beers has serious ties to the Blood Diamond trade, although in recent years they have denounced the practice and claim to use more ethical means.

So now that I have that info I don't want a 10K diamond engagement ring. I'm more of a eclectic gal anyway so something like a black pearl would be more my style.
litabia

I think I am a different breed of woman...I'm not really big on jewelry and definitely not big weddings. I would rather use the money thatI can use on more sensible things such as a home. One of my exes proprosed to me (I've been proposed to 3 times) with a key ring that he found on the ground at that moment and I would have to say that was one of the single most sweetest experience I've ever witnessed. I think that as long as you two have love for each other nothing as simple as a ring would stop you from getting married. I'm not so desperate for a husband that I would settle for anything. I love myself too much that I know how a man is supposed to love me and keep me happy as I already am. So, if I truly love that man, I would accept any type of ring from him. With time as we grow as a family (this is what my parents did) get a more expensive ring for both spouses. I don't think a ring would hold me back from getting married to the man I love.
LINY1919

You've certainly started a shit storm with this one, NWSO!! A very, very close friend of mine recently got engaged. When she showed all of us the ring, we were totally blown away: 3.5 carat center cushion-cut stone with an additional carat and a half worth of side stones, all set in platinum (any girl that knows her diamonds will know that a piece like that could run you about $30,000+). A few weeks later, she asked her fiancee to take her and get it resized at the same place he bought it.

We all assumed (even her) that he bought it from Tiffany's or some other reputable jewelry store. Low and behold...dude pulled up to BJ's!! Who would've thought you could buy a ring like that at the same place you can buy laundry detergent, toothpaste and condoms in bulk!!! When she told us what happend, I couldn't help but laugh, but I commented on how smart he was for saving money during this crappy economy and getting her the ring of her dreams. I choked when she told us that she told him to take it back and get her something from Cartier instead!!!!!

I love my friend to death, but she's an idiot in this situation. Any woman who would walk away from a man who is willing to spend more than $50 on a piece of jewelry as important as that (and yes, I'me exaggerating) should be grateful! I'm not turning my back on females because Lord knows, I designed my engagement ring and planned my wedding down to the seating arrangements back when I was 12 years old, so I know the dream and fantasy we all have. But, times are hard and brothers are struggling to do their best for us (some more so than others). Cut them some slack. I would love my fiance just as much if he got me the same design/smaller carat ring and used the money he'd saved up to buy us a home, than if he gave me $1,000,000 ring and we stay living in a tiny apartment and have nothing to finance the wedding.

Unless I'm dating Puffy, I'm not going to be expecting anything more than what he REALISTICALLY can afford!! That's just my 2 cents...
http://slangrap.wordpress.com Aqua

@ LINY1919 "I love my friend to death, but she’s an idiot in this situation." No disrespect but your girl is most definitely not wrapped too tight.
litabia

@ Elle

"My fiancé was bending over backwards to find a ring. Since he hadn’t found an “appropriate” one and I was getting ready to fly back home, he proposed with a keyring. If it hadn’t been way too big I would be wearing it right now. To me, this keyring was the best gift ever and it puts a huge smile on my face everytime I look at it."

Swear I wrote my reply before I read all of the replies and I was damn it looks like we had the same experience.

@ distinguishes gentle woman

You are crazy with the sprinkles with colors of my birth stone. Sounds like you can't find that one in a jewelry store...have to have it custom made.
litabia

@ Liny 1919

Your friend needs to know when u go to places like Cartier and Tiffany's all you are paying for is the name. It is the same thing just where u got it from it where that expensive price tag comes from. I would've been simply amazed by his incredible shopping skills. Your friend is a nut. She crazy for real.
LINY1919

Oh, I've already told her how crazy she is!! Her fiancee is great, and he could afford a ring like that with no problem, but he wanted to be smart about it and use the extra $8 or 9,000 he had saved to put towards a house. They're not getting married for another year, but she's bent on "I wanted a cartier ring my whole life and that's what I deserve." She said she didn't want to be embarressed when people asked where he got it and she'd have to say BJs.

I'm not sure about most women (being that I've never been engaged), but do people normally ask where your fiancee got your engagement ring?? I wouldn't, cause I would assume she wouldn't know. But, who cares!! I would be impressed that he found such a gem in the unlikeliest of places!!

I'm just waiting to see how much she's going to make her folks fork over for the wedding and how much I'm going to have to pay for the bridesmaid gown...
Elle

@litabia

LoL..as long as we're not talking about the same guy ...

j/k
LINY1919

@NWSO

HAHA!!! All you have to remember is the 4 C's to diamond buying: Cut, Clarity, Carat, and Colour

What can I say, I like jewelry
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Paulette

uhm, yes. the female gets a large rock called an engagement ring. Then they go out and pick matching wedding bands, where the man gets something less than comparable than the wife's initial ring. She she has two and he has one.

SMH
Ameretta

Maybe there is something wrong with me!!

I was never the little girl that fantasized about her wedding day. (i'm not married yet) I mean I think the whole process is stupid expensive! The ceremony, the dress, the location where the reception is held, the ring.....they all equal EXPENSIVE! I knew someone that got married, spent $20,000 on the wedding (excluding the ring) and got divorced in 6 months! Yes, you read it right $20,000 down the toilet that they didn't own!!!

Especially now with all the shows like "Platinum Weddings" & "Bridzilla" it just seems tooooooo materialistic!

I mean if you got it, please do it, as for me I just want to go to City Hall and be happy with the man I want to spend the rest of my living days with! Even if the ring is less than what I wanted the ring is to be a symbol of marriange, my commitment to my husband. I can rock a regular gold band on my finger & still be fly!

$10,000 for a ring? Please I live in Brooklyn, and take public transportation (Robbery season is up!)
litabia

@ Elle and NWSO

I doubt it was the same guy...if I'm not mistaken Elle is in another country. Unless that man be traveling (which I doubt, I seen him last weekend).
write or die chick

As arlene mentioned, let's talk about how guys play into this discussion as well. My very married sister was approached by a man who was trying to "holler." She politely spoke, told him she was and showed him her wedding ring. He replies, "That ain't shit. If that's all your man can afford, you need to get with me for real." Afterwards she felt kind of ashamed and terribly embarrassed. (They were young, struggling, and the ring reflected that). So it's not always the women that place a premium on such accoutrements; but often men, looking to one-up each other and prove that they are better men because they can afford more expensive cars/clothes/homes/jewelry.
paulettebajangal

Wait a sec...I'm jewelry deficient...this is just the engagement ring...is that different from the wedding ring?? Do couples then go out and buy another set for when they actually get married??

Like I said I was married before but on the real...we were so against wasting that kinda money on something so insignifcant in the bigger picture.And since the marriage didn't last anyways I would've ended up pawning that bad boy...lmao.
da ThRONe

I want a ferrari but if my wife cant get me one who really cares? There are wants and then there are needs this is clearly a want and not even a legit one. If you want an over-priced ring buy it your damn self. Because if it the end all be all then you dont love that person just yourself. I am a purist when it comes to love and believe if its real its all you need. If its not real than no amount of money spent on a ring or wedding is going make it work. There are so many important things in two peoples lives that comes before this. If you have it to spend great the sky is the limit but if you have other finaical problem why would anybody in there right mind make this one of them?
DragonFly

I was proposed to with a ring that I hated for a million reasons...I still said yes. Funny how the relationship didn't last. Anyway, It wasn't the price of the ring that was a bother, it was the fact that it looked like something I would never ever wear...on top of being low end:). The worng everything...I'm gonna wear this ring for the rest of my life and I don't even think it's pretty? Ugh.. At the end of the day though, it wasn't the ring I wanted, it was the man and I gladly accepted (him and the ring). However, I also wanted to elope and spend the wedding money on a home. So I guess I'm like Carrie Bradshaw from SATC, give me a really big closet instead!

However, my sister is engaged and that ring!...every time I see it I fall in love with her man! LOL
http://www.ajhayes.com A.J.

I'm a frugal guy. Hopefully the woman I'm planning on marrying will understand that and wouldn't expect me to get her a ring outside my means or a lavish wedding. However, let's not front, some guys are into giving expensive gifts and large weddings to display their manhood. The engagement and wedding ceremony could be seen as a sign of things to come in the marriage: does the couple truly understand each others' personality, needs, and limitations? If my fiance attempts to force me to purchase a big rock and go ahead with a large ceremony (I really despise long and large gatherings), then she doesn't really know me well and the marriage is off to a bad foot before it even begins.

That's just my two cents.
Mimi in the OC

I am not in a relationship, neither in the process of being into one. I think spending so much money for a ring is not necessary (I want to say stupid but I won't). Instead of spending 10K on a wedding/ring/dress or more, whether I/we could afford it or not, I'd rather put it into a house or spend 1/5 of that for a cool HoneyMoon. If it's just up to me, we would keep a wedding to the minimum.
Other than that, no I don't envy women with big rings or other big pieces of jewelry. Envy and jealousy are feelings I hardly ever experience in my life, I am glad to say. I can't even stand jewelry, it makes me feel loaded, I'm not big on accessories in general, I think I can make myself look pretty good without it. I only wear earrings cause I think it's feminine and that's it. And trust me I do love money.
The social status implied with the size of the ring does not affect me at all, the way I classify people if/since we really have to rank each other, is wisdom, life experience, knowledge and education, that's what matters to me the most. It's hard for me to be around ignorant and/or narrow-minded people.
http://www.superlovelyful.com Hannah

Not into diamonds for political reasons and also because I've never liked them. The diamond engagement ring was originally a marketing ploy and has no real basis in ritual or tradition. If a man proposed to me with a diamond, I'd have to say no because it would be clear he didn't know me at all.

I would be okay with no ring at all 'cause the man who would convince me that marriage is a good idea would already possess things of real value. You know, those things you can't put a price tag on.

In fact, I don't like the idea of rings because they harken back to a time where women were chattel. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it's because he sees me as his equal. I would rather find some other thing to stand as a symbol of our love. Hell, name a star after me. Be creative.

@Amaretta

I don't understand expensive weddings either. Why drop all that cash on a party when you could put a down payment on a house?
Chanel

OK. I was with you until this: "...the man is usually just another accent to her day..."

No. Just ... no. If my fiance pulled that crap on me, well, he wouldn't be my fiance anymore. It boggles my mind that this stereotype even exists today. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership between equals, so what does it say about the future of that partnership if only half of it is planning the celebration and formalization of that partnership? Not much. I understand that men aren't all that interested in flowers and bridesmaids' dresses and all that mess, but damn if I'm going to plan what is supposed to be a celebration of our union by myself. Nope.

That said, I don't even want a wedding, really. Why spend a house payment on one freaking day? On flowers that will die before I get back from the honeymoon? On fancy catered food that I probably won't get to eat due to nerves or a tight wedding dress? Nah, I'm good. I like to party, but DAMN! I watch Platinum Weddings entirely too much and those people are idiots. I mean, they spent a year or two planning a million dollar wedding and got a Vera Wang gown and cymbidium orchids flown in from Madagascar or someplace but didn't take the time to think about the marriage at all. Speaking of $$$, I'd smack my fiance upside the head if he bought me a $10,000 engagement ring, but I'm also frugal to a fault and I don't believe that love has a price. I could get a Ring Pop with glitter on it and I would love it just the same because of what it symbolized. Did I mention I'm frugal? Okay.
Lonias

You know what I would want?
What I wanted the first time around?
A ring that shows that he THOUGHT ABOUT IT!!!
Simple right? I would want my man to choose my engagement ring the way I would hope he would choose any gift he bought (or made) for me. Just be thoughtful.

I'll tell ya'll about my engagement to my late husband. Our qwest started with him wanting me to shop with him. I didn't really want to based on what I said above -- I just wanted him to treat it like any other gift. I finally agreed to shop with him, and I chose something I liked. It was actually a custom, and compared to Shanita's $10K rock, it was an affordable $2K. Well, llife happens and we weren't able to save what we wanted to, and other financial obligations took priority, so the Christmas before our wedding, he bought me a ring and proposed. I was more than appreciative for what I received because I LOVED THAT MAN, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have a small twinge of disappointment. It had nothing to do with the smaller budget/diamond -- I was disappoingted that he just went looking for the best deal, rather than looking with my likes and dislikes in mind. I hope that if someone ever proposes to me again, that he will just make his decision based on what he knows about me...
Lonias

@NWSO

Men are beginning to expect comparable rings and other expensive "engagement/wedding" gifts of late. My cousin wanted a diamond ring from his new bride and a new vehicle!
irish_mami8

Alright, I had to quit lurking, and finally comment on something. I thought I was the only girl in the world that thinks jewelry is overrated. So many girls tell me that your man doesn't care about you if he doesn't give you something shiny for Christmas/Valentine's Day/birthdays. And maybe it's the banker in me, but even in today's economy, the interest on $10K is sounding a lot better than some rock that might get lost or stolen. Maybe I'm jaded cuz it's not the first time around for me, but then again, when I got married to my ex, it was only about $3K and my ring wasn't all that either. But IF, and that's a big if, I was to get married again, it would be a courthouse wedding cuz I can think of better things to do than dropping money on one day. We need to stop listening to what society tells us is important. If a ring is important to you, that's fine, but if it's not, you shouldn't let people make you feel bad about yourself, your relationship, or your man. As far as I'm concerned, I can think of a lot more important things to do with that kind of money. But I actually am cheap and not afraid to admit it. And my baby knows better than to waste his money on jewelry for me. I told him from the beginning that it wasn't my thing. Never liked it. If we decide later on to make it legal, a simple gold band is all I need, and any haters out there can mind their own business. You do you, and let me worry about me. If I wanted a big spender, I'd have gotten one. I wanted a man who's priorities are more in line with mine. I have no time or patience for people who think they need to drop money in order to show their feelings. Whatever happened to "It's the thought that counts?" Sorry, just my two cents, or maybe more like 99. Perhaps I should've stayed a lurker. Once I get going, watch out. Had to finally show NWSO some love cuz I can't get enough of his blog.
Pretty_Kitty

First off, I am a new sock head lol I love this blog! You are always on the money and I never get enough of reading what you have to say. Now, on to the questions at hand....

If the man you loved got you a ring that was lesser than the one you wanted, would you accept or decline? Why? I would accept, because if I am with a man and we are to the point were we are discussing marriage, babies, and forever, that means that I love him unconditionally and accept him and whatever he brings to the table.

How important is an engagement ring to you?
It is important, to a certain extent, it is not the be all end all. The ring is a symbol of unconditional, undying love and it is someTHING that the world can see displayed, at all times that says, "He loves me and wants the world to know it!"

Would you sacrifice a pricey ring in favor of buying a home or starting a college fund for your kids?
I would definitely sacrifice that pricey first ring for something more concrete. If we are getting ourselves established as a couple/family and he cant afford to by the bling that I may want, we can improvise. I have always said as long as it looks nice, was heartfelt, and makes me go ooohh, I would be fine with it! Don't trip, I have seen some BEAUTIFUL very reasonably priced engagement rings in the display at Wal-Mart! Check it out, the next time you are there!

Do you think there are some women out there that dream of getting married so badly that they’ll accept a ring from a man they don’t even love just to get hitched? I absolutely believe that, have seen it happen and know that it will continue to happen as long as there are women out there that value material things over love, what matters the most.

That's my 'piece'......
http://www.youtube.com/phantomwhowalks Greecho

No wonder most of these marriages end up in divorce, cos when you buy your woman's affection, it will have to be all the time, take it from an ''ENDZ'' man, other people in different parts of the world marry with just a bamboo grass on their finger, yet they stay married for decades till they literally die together always in love, take a seroius listen to the marriage vows....it did'nt say wilt thou buy an expensive ring so i can show off to my friends, or to prove one's love, if a woman needs an expensiive ring to feel important, i reckon she needs professional help, Marriage is in the heart and a pact we make with the Almighty in Heaven...these are the things they shouls know, instead of going on about 10k diamond ring, which cannot cuddle or have sex with you, or comfort you when your feeling stressed....peace.
LolitaBaby

I'm sure this has a lot to do with the fact that my parents have each had 2 divorces (one from each other, one from the next spouse), but I romanticize wayyyyy more about the actual marriage than about the wedding or engagement. If anything, I'm thinking more about whether he knows for sure that I'll actually say yes, because while I'd feel bad for doing it, I will not hesitate to say "I gotta think about it..." or give a flat out no.
As far as the engagement ring, I'd be far more impressed if he got a ring that was significant and symbolic of our experiences together rather than how much he could afford to buy. If I wanted an iced out diamond ring, I would buy it for myself and rock it til the stones fall out. But the engagement ring won't be mine; it'll be the first thing that is "ours." It's more than just a piece of nice jewelry.

As for the wedding, I'm not tryna spend more than we got. There is such a thing as renewing vows and I will definitely be using those opportunity to fulfill every "wedding fantasy" we have.
Shay

Give me a brass wedding band and a pot-luck in the back yard if that meant spending the rest of my life with the man that I love.

Weddings, rings and dresses are over-rated!
Righteous Mama

Great comments from you all!! I just want real love with someone who pays attention to what I like and enjoys seeing the smile on my face. Diamond rings and lavish wedding ceremonies are not my style. I was never a woman who dreamed about my wedding day. The marriage thing scares me still to be honest.

I can't front tho...I def notice when a woman is rocking the hell out of a nice piece of jewerly. Some women are into the flashy stuff. To each his/her own. I just hope people take the time (if they go that route) to buy "conflict free" diamonds. Some folks are just swallow.

Maybe homegirl's man is into the superficial/material just as much she is. Perhaps they have that in common.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Chanel

You misinterpreted what I meant. There is a specific difference between a wedding and a marriage. Of course, a marriage is two people working together to a common goal and a wedding should as well. But the point I was making is that women traditionally dream about and plan their wedding day from early childhood. Guys, not so much, they dream about the wedding night/honeymoon. LOL

Yeah, the husband/fiance will take part in planning the wedding day, 9 times out of 10 all the bells and whistles aren't that big of a deal to guys. Not that he doesn't love her or care about the lifelong commitment, but like you said, we can care less about flowers and cakes. Just give us a date and time, and rent a tux and we good. And although working on it together I still imagine the woman would take the lead in terms of ideas because she's been thinking about it a lot longer than he ever will.
Simone

@notahater

No one is hating on who spends what on money. What some are trying to say, is that it's not that serious. Meaning, that I would be happy with whatever my man could afford, i would be even happier if he didn't break his bank and spent all that money for a ring, when we could use the money for other things that may be more important. If someone got the ring she wanted and is happy about it, then congrats. To each his/her own. We are all humans and we all have our own preferences. I know what I prefer and it doesn't include the 3c's or 4c's of what is normally looked at when it comes to "Diamond Rings". Love, trust and respect wins all rather than material for ME. You might prefer a nice big diamond on your finger and that's your preference.

Have a Nice Weekend!
Chanel

Fair enough, but I have found my guy friends talking a LOT more lately about what they actually want for their weddings. They have, like, ideas and stuff! (I have one friend I'm certain is a groomzilla in the making, but I digress.) I agree that men do care a lot more about the marriage than the wedding but that whole "just tell me when and where and I'll show up" meme is quickly falling by the wayside, and that makes me happy.

Then again, I've never really been the type to dream about my wedding day. Not seriously, anyway. I've always been more of a "let's hit the courthouse and throw a party later" type. My stance is, unfortunately, an unpopular one. It surprised me that my sisters all agreed with me while my brothers and guy friends all thought I was nuts, if not straight up lying. The truth is, though, there are a lot of women out there who really don't give a crap about the bells and whistles, either.
notahater

I need to speak my piece...

To each its on BUT...

This is only for the ladies out there that say weddings and diamonds are nonsense/over-rated and say that diamonds are political, yada yada...I think y'all are just plain hatin'....I bet you'd take that ring without question....IF....that's IF your man got it for you...admit it... and don't try to rain on other people's parade to make yourself feel better because you don't have what they have and downplay what they have.

So what if people spend money (whatever amount they please) on one of the most important days of their lives. Just because they do, don't hate on them for "wasting" their money or for "falling" into society's expectations. Sure you can think of better things to do with YOUR MONEY but can't you people JUST BE HAPPY for OTHER PEOPLE for once and just stop HATIN'.

Oh yeah....for you men out there...don't try to brain-wash your woman saying how "unimportant" or "overrated" weddings/diamonds/dresses are just because YOU CAN'T or are cheap to get your woman something nice by it down playing.

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY PEOPLE....
Tracs

@Notahater,

That was kind of a hateful post, son. Why do u assume because some of us have expressed that the diamond thing doesn't move us that we are jealous & incapable of being happy for another. Most of these posters clearly stated if the choice was theirs or in their opinion the big rock is not their priority. If you & your man got it like that then go for yours. Congrats & happy for ya. But for me & mine i say he better not toss us both in debt just so i can rock some rock before we've even begun to be husband & wife( which mind you the value of the ring to me has more to do with the occasion & love with which it was given rather than what people are gonna say when they see it).
At the end of the day to each his own. Go on & rock your big ole rock you & your hubby gonna be in debt for. I aint mad atchu. Dont forget the insurance on that badboy.
amelda

i have to wear the ring everyday. it has to be something i like. i am an over-the-top woman in everything else. that doesn't mean the ring must be big, or expensive, but if you expect me to wear it, it MUST be a reflection of me. oh, and i won't wear a diamond.

ideally, he would spring the proposal on me, sans ring (i don't need all that one-knee stuff) and we can go pick out something together. I am also not above chipping in to get what I want. if we are in this together, we can pay for it.

i could care less about a wedding. my ideal is a Vegas chapel and hitting a nightclub with my bestie and his later that night. either that or the justice of the peace followed by a trip to island somewhere. i rather my parents give up a DP than a lavish wedding.

the BJs chick is bugging. i would keep that big ol ring and just lie about where it came from. plenty of people do.
Anonymous

@amelda

The ring should be the last thing on your mind not the first!
CKissxox

The marriage is ending, but that gorgeous, yet modest, but perfect specimen still makes me smile. I love my ring. And I still will wear it on the other hand occasionally, it's to pretty to hide away. lol
Anonymous

I am going to respond from two perspectives...

As a wedding planner I am always asked what is the most important thing about planning a wedding and my #1 answer is that its only one day. So many women get caught up on this one day that they forget that there a future to think about once the wedding day is over. Don't get me wrong I love weddings hence the reason why I am a planner but I also think ppl forget to be practical.
As a single woman myself, I want the big rock! Am I wanting a brother to spend 10k...of course not! However in return for a nice ring I am willing to forgo a lavish wedding for something intimate but very affordable. I am also willing 2 forgo an expensive honeymoon. However in the end even if I don't get the ring of my desire that is not going 2 change the way I view my future husband...I would be marrying him not the ring.
I think both men and women need to colaborate to come to a reasonable agreement. If a brother wants to spend 24 months to save for a beautiful ring and downpayment who am I to judge. No one is forcing him...its a choice he has made. In the end that couple must face the consequences of their decision regardless if it is good or bad.
da ThRONe

I have no problem with tradition and as a person who has been in love before nothing would make me happier than giving the women I love her dream wedding and matching ring. (Ok here comes the but) But I do want a women who is smart enough not place too much vaule on a short term fix. The only thing thats more important then reaching your goals is having somebody to reach them with and when we lost sight of that we started to fail at relationships. I would never say you need somebody to define you nor do I believe that there is somebody out there for everybody. But we are social beings and it is in our nature to find completion in the form of a relationship with another person and the sooner we accept that fact the better off we will all be!
Spinster

Sheeeeit. Let's hit up the justice of the peace, have a nice honeymoon, have a nice reception for everyone who couldn't witness the ceremony, and save up that money for rainy days.

As long as it's not plastic or cubic zirconia or (insert other fake material here), it's all good.

Just my simple opinion.
amelda

the man is the first thing on my mind, but, um, we're having a conversation about rings, anon. (see the title for clarity.)

go with the flow.
J-Lo from Philly

Ok, I was reading all the comments and chuckling to myself. I'm single, never been married & will be 40 this year. I watch all the bride shows & it's true they spend a lot of money and the brides act like brats. Don't get me wrong I've had my wedding planned in my head since I was a pre-teen the color scheme, the bridemaids & locations have changed thru the years but I think I was always more concern with the actual marriage as I matured. I love jewelry costume & the real stuff. Can't tell the difference but I like what I like. I would rather have a really pretty ring that I liked more so than a ring that came from Tiffany's......that's more about impressing other people (don't get a sister wrong if it came from Tiffany's & I THOUGHT it was pretty it's mine). I have house but rather spend that cash on planning for our future and possible children (his or ours whatever the case may be) instead of a big wedding unless we had money to burn and I would want more of a party (with my family & friends) more than anything else. At the end of the day, as long as we have faith in God & our love for one another that's all that would really matter.
MP

I love beautiful jewelry more than I love diamonds, and I love the thought of a wonderful and comfortable home for my family more than I love the idea of debt... All I'm sayin is you can do it all, have it all, make it unique and a true symbol of your love... and have it not cost an arm and a leg!