Why Won’t Black Men Sit Next To Each Other?

Posted by NWSO • March 24, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Black Man on Chair

Week before last I went to an advanced screening of Fast & Furious (one of the small perks of the job career I can finally take advantage of). Before the movie started I saw my boy Shawn walk in with one of his boys and grab a seat a few rows ahead of me. The theatre wasn’t that crowded, so Shawn and his boy had a seat separating them and I thought nothing of it. As more people started to fill the space, I noticed that they held a steady conversation by leaning across the empty seat between them. Meanwhile, just a row behind them, another pair of heterosexual males, that happened to be White, sat side-by-side with no problem. Slowly but surely people filled in the empty seats that were peppered throughout the theatre, but Shawn and his homie held their ground and refused to move over. I know men like to assert their “heterosexualness,” but apparently Black men take it to a whole other level and refuse to sit next to each other if they can avoid it.

I'm not sure when or how this Man Law is passed on to the next generation, but even I have fallen victim to this homophobic seating arrangement. There was this time me and my man Rich went to go see X-Men: United after work. It was the middle of the week so the theatre wasn't crowded at all but Rich and I exhibited the same behavior as Shawn and his boy, sitting exactly one seat apart. I guess you can liken it to how men in general act in public restrooms—no two guys will stand next to each other at a urinal unless there’s a wall divider. In fact, Man Law requires that you always go to the farthest latrine as possible from the next man. Apparently the same thing applies to public seating. In both instances, the only time side-by-side seating/standing is only acceptable if the space you are in is extremely crowded and you have no other choice. But even then, talking is kept to a minimum.

This seat issue isn’t limited to public spaces either. Back in the day when I hung out more, my boys and I would always hangout at my man Jalen’s crib. He had a three-person couch and a love seat in the living room. Under normal circumstances that was enough to seat five people comfortably, but anytime more than three of us were at Jalen's crib someone would stand, or sit on the stool a few feet away in the kitchen. It was just an unsaid rule that we all abided by that two men were not to sit side-by-side. Only under rare instances like overcrowding were two males allowed to occupy the same seat space at the same time. Even then, the body language of each individual always leaned farthest away from the other as to ensure that there is no body contact going on. Had any women been in the mix, though, those five seats would've held seven of us all squished together. Well, as long as there was no man touching. Looking back on it now, it’s really quite silly but hey, it's what guys do and who am I to break Man Law.

Fellas, why do we feel the need to sit a seat apart from each other? Do you really think it makes you look gay? Is it just a “Black thing” or do men of all races exhibit similar behavior? Do you feel like it’s an invasion of your private space when someone comes right next to you in a public restroom? Ladies, do you hate to see guys sitting down with their legs spread mad far apart. How do women interpret this kind of behavior in men? What would you think two guys sitting side-by-side at the movies or at dinner were gay?

Speak your piece...

2 Men Apart on Couch

Tagged as: black men, Fast & Furious, heterosexual, homophobia, Man Law, movies

da ThRONe

I wasnt even aware of this rule til I went to the movies with my best friend about 3 or 4 years ago and the nigga when sit away from me. Not really thinking about it cause I know neither one of us is gay. We use to sit by each other which was cool because im the "talk mad shit during movie" person so I wouldnt have to speak to loud when I was saying funny shit during the movie especially if the movie sucked. Its to be noted we have been friends and going to the movies since we were like 9 and 8 years old. But it just hit me that day like damn why should to hetero's sit that close. It doesnt bother me at all either way ,but hes so homophobic plus its really not a big deal to me. Being that Im single and have been for over half a decade I wish more dudes was gay so it would improves my chances of finding a great girl.
irish_mami8

It's not just black men. It's all men. I've asked a bunch of them why cuz it confuses me. Ya'll know you're not gay, shouldn't that be enough. Plus, unless one of them has his arm around the other one, I'm probably not gonna suspect anything. I'm not a guy though. Another man might give them a hard time about it. The most common answer I got is that they don't wanna share an armrest. But yeah, the fact that they don't wanna look gay is part of it, too. But of course I live in an army town, so they tend to be a little homophobic anyway. Maybe it's not that way in the rest of the world.

MJ

I am a guy and I did not know anything of this sort before a black guy refused to give me a seat in the crowded F train (New York). He wanted to give next seat to my wife who was unwilling to sit and preferred standing. He shouted about my motif of asking that seat for me. It was so disgusting and kind of intimidating to me. I am a routine traveller and I see no problem in sitting anywhere a seat is vacant. But I learned a lesson that even if there is a vacant seat nest to black man in a crowded train a guy should never go for that seat.

Simone

okay i just did a survey with some of the guys on my job. Men sit apart from each other because they need room. They need shoulder room because of their width (they r broad) and men like to spread out - whether it is their arms or legs they spread out, hence them needing space.
Women do not have a problem with each other because "we" do not need all that room. We keep our legs closed and we are more dainty than men.
Just the results from my survey.
K-Love

I think its a space issue. No one likes to feel crowded and sometime row seats do not give enough room. Even my female friends and I will leave one seat apart just for purses and coats and to have our own separate arm rest and it at the movies so every one has space for their drinks. If it gets too crowded we have no problem sitting close, but then where do I put my purse and my coat, and be able to eat my snacks. Everyone needs personal space.
K-Love

@ Da Throne

" I wish more dudes were gay so it would improve my chances of finding a great girl."

That is the funniest thing I heard this morning. ROFLMAO
skizzaz

I'm gonna cosign with what Simone said. Back in the day I had no problem with it but now I feel like I need more room. And not just at the movies. Buses, airplanes (i'm the guy that waits for the seatbelt light to go off so I can look for an empty seat with no neighbors). I went to a meeting at work the other day which was held in the auditorium. An older FBI buddy of mine came and sat with me leaving one seat between us. In the past I know these meetings tend to get pretty crowded so we sat that way til some random chick became the cream in our oreo cookie seating arrangement. I don't think it was homophobic, just more comfortable. But I will say this; if my friend had been a white guy i almost GUARANTEE he would have sat his ass right next to me (white people have no concept of personal space)

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are
Simone

@ Skizzaz your last comment may not necessarily true as most of the men at my job is white and I did my survey based on them. They go for space as well.
SpeechIsMyHammer.com

For me, it's always just been about comfort. I'm a bigger dude, and I usually need as much room as possible anyway.

I think a lot of people would deny that it was gay, but then again, I guess denial is a symptom of homophobia, too
Elle

Men are weird. Period.

J/K ... not really ... but that's not the point.

I honestly never noticed that. But hey, in Europe we like it more up close and personal anyways. Men hug each other, great each other with these little "air kisses" and so on.

Interesting.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@ Elle,

You realize what you just described sounds extremely gay, right? LOL
Ayanna

LMAO- This is so true! I realized it when I went to the theatre with 3 guy friends, and asked them about it. Their response was basically that they were not gay, so they preferred 2 or 3 seats between them, and would speak loudly if they needed to say anything. It seemed so ridiculous, but they agreed to sit 3 in a row if I was between them. HILARIOUS
Melody

lol @ Man Law...Alls I know is I HATE HATE HATE it when a man sits in a seat with his legs gapping wide open! Im like come on pal, your dick is NOT that big! Close em up so someone else (Me) can have a doggone seat! To me its just rude, uneccessary...and not to mention it looks ridiculous!..carry on
BK

haha its so funny but so true. Im hispanic and also grew up with a bunch of cousins around so im used to sometimes needing to share personal space. But i have noted in the past this notion of skipping a seat to be true with my black friends. Same situation with my phillipino or italian friends? No problem, sit next to each other, chillin. My black friends? Naw, one seat apart thing. It struck me as odd the first couple times it happened but its oddly true. Come to think of it, my non black friends are actually transplants. Perhaps its an American thing?

The homo stigma is definitely alive and well in America. I find it amusing to test those boundaries and make people uncomfortable sometimes. It leads to some curious reactions. When i visited Europe i noticed things are more comfortable in this respect. You know youre friend isnt gay so why is it an issue to stand or sit next to dude? SMH Sometimes i wonder if WE'RE the culture thats behind...
Potato w/Jive

Man law. True and i feel silly sometimes having to participate but its true. But lemme pose this question? If its gay to greet another man with a hug... then how is it NOT gay to play a sport and smack another mans ass with a "good job, bro"?

That's overt, physical contact with another mans ass-cheeks! Nope. not gay at all. Whats gay-er than that?
Belle

todays' pictures are hilarious.

and men are just strange.

LOL!
Suzanne

Always fascinates me yet will stick their "stick" in anyone..things that make you go mmmmmmmmm....
litabia

Funny that you mentioned guys at a friend's house and there is enough room on the couch but if one or two people are on the couch the guys start pulling out chairs and/or stand. The other day we went over my friend's house for her birthday and it wasn't hardly anyone on the couch but these two knuckle heads pulled out chairs to sit down. Meanwhile, the females we will sit on each others laps if there is no room. I don't know if thats just us but we are very touchy feely group.
Mimi in the OC

I am glad to find out it is more of a space issue rather than a gay issue.
Thinking that if parts of your body (non erogenous parts of the body I mean) are currently touching another man's unwillingly/unconsciously while sitting makes you look gay, IS GAY. It is simply ridiculous. I think that frame of mind reflects insecurities more than anything else. I'm sure most guys do hug their friends from time to time, why would sitting next to them make you look gay? It just doesn't make sense. If you put a hand on his thigh, hold his hand or some stuff like that there's a problem, but sitting?

Maybe it's just me, but I interpret homophobic behavior in most cases, as an expression of male insecurities. Why would you feel threatened or endangered in the presence of gay people if you have no doubts and are fully confident about your masculinity/heterosexuality? If you are in a gay only environment that's something else, but why would any random gay people make you act abnormally? If they're not hitting on you or aren't trying to touch you, I really don't see where the problem is.
Potato w/Jive

@ Mimi, Thats my point exactly! If youre chill with yourself, i think it would take alot to make any real man "feel gay"...To me, "feeling gay" is more the issue.

If you are confidant and comfortable in your own skin, who cares if dude next to you is gay. Ive HAD gay dudes try to spark conversation with the kid, and while some dudes would get real amped and maybe punch a dude out, I've calmly told the cat that "Its not like that. i like women, bro" and kept it movin. No harm done. Fellas, get your weight up. That "feeling gay" stuff is, well...soft.
Elle

@NWSO

Actually, I do not think that what I described sounds gay at all. It's completely common "male behaviour" to me/us and nobody would ever consider it gay.

Unless you're hanging out in dark rooms, tongue down a biker named Rod and wear leather pants that flap open in the back (yea I'm working with clichés here), chances are people don't categorize you as "gay".

In Tunisia men walked along the beach holding hands. Over there it was absolutely the norm. To me, it seemed gay.

Goes to show that what we consider gay is defined by the society we live in.
Anonymous

I feel this one here. I always need my personal space. It’s not only with dudes but with strangers too. I wonder when I’m solo why someone sits next to me on the train/bus if there are plenty other empty seats. On the plane, I like to either sit on the window or the aisle so I’m not sandwiched in between 2 people and in the bathroom, if the only urinal available is in between two other dudes, I either wait till one leaves or go to a stall. I just need my space and don't need anybody else breathing on me. I’m pretty comfortable in my skin so don't mind sitting at the movies next to another dude but just don't want to feel another dude’s body on my body in any situation. Again, not only a dude, no stranger unless she someone I am attracted to, then I am willing to let it slide, LOL.
B’s Wax

I think the bigger question is: Why are most American (Black or otherwise) males so constipated when it comes to showing affection..to women OR men? Signs of friendship/affection don't necessarily automatically mean you're having an intimate sexual relationship...
da ThRONe

@Melody

Its not your dick that needs the space its your nuts! LOL

Its just one of those things were if you have an abundance of space why not take advantage of it speaking for myself.

@B's Wax

Males embrace all the time. If I havent seen a close find in a while i'll give'em a pound and a hug. But im not about to go around kiss dudes on the cheek or anything! I play ball and nigga tap each other on the ass when they make a good play if that aint showing affection I dont know what is?
Seriously, No Seriously

I often wonder why people care how strangers percieve them? Yes the Black community does take things to the extreme but hey whateva. I understand the whole needing room thing but if the seats are wide enough they still do it! SMH!
da ThRONe

@Elle

Sorry baby air kissing is some gay ass shit for two grown ass males to do. Maybe if I ever have a baby son or something but not to dudes that grow hair on there faces not cool! LOL
Soulyn

Men, why can't you all close your legs during a train ride? Is it that serious between your legs? Especially if the train is crowded!

@Potato w/Jive
I wish there were more men like you.
Seriously, No Seriously

@ Da Throne so what if air kissing looks gay what does it matter? Are men scared that if they show anything associated with being percieved as gay that gay men will actually try to make a move on them? I thought people give off certain vibes of interest? If i'm interested in a man I give a vibe to him so wouldnt that hold true for men attracted to men?(that question isnt geared to YOU persay but just a question) see now I felt the need to put that lil disclaimer in there not to make you feel like I was insinuating that you were gay. IMO I think this whole homo~phobness has gotten out of hand!
DiffNames

I don't think its about anything other than not being all up on someone if there's no need to be. Guys demand space naturally, at very least more than the average chick does.

Its like when you get on the train and the first seat you see it next to a fat person, whether male or female I'mma want to find another seat over that particular one.

I read something in the comments about a chick saying "girls sit next to each other on a couch and on each others laps etc..." yeah um, thats not cool for a dude to be sitting on another dudes lap unless you gay I guess and if you are spare us heteros the display of "homo-ness"

We've become TOO sensitive to sensitivity, I think.
da ThRONe

@Seriously, No Seriously

Im good ma im not homophobic. Its bothers me to see two men be intamate ,but I not big on PDA with heterosexual people either.

Once again to each there own. But you and your girls or not going go around touching each other tittes(if you do please let me know LOL) that dont make you homophobic just mean there are certain things your comfrontable with and certain things you arent.

Call me vain but If I was into dudes I would totally be into me. So I can understand any gay dude wanting a piece of this! LOL
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/marthaquintero Jenn Perez

@ Da Throne..
OMG I almost peed my pants! HAHHA.. So.. lemme get this str8.. You are a non homophobic guys with huge nuts thats into yourself!! This is a great chuckle when I should be paying attention in class
Anyways.. i think its a minority thing!! I have plenty of white friends at work who love to sit right next to you and chatter you up- EVEN early in the morning ! Ive even noticed when minorities go out to the smoking section together- the guys might as well call eachother cuz they are so far apart while the white guys are huddled like theyre in a conspiracy..the women are puffing on eachothers cigarettes (LOL)
Being raised .. and brought up around my race (Hispanics) i think there is a waaaay big unconscious homophobia.. and still is > I find it very amusing right now with the hispanics of florida and A lot of new yawwkers that are metro sexual get offended when a gay guy hits on them!! My husband (Dare I say) has prettier eyebrows than me - that plus his green eyes and caramel complexion makes him more of a target to men than me !! LOL! AND my husband is SO Mr Macho.. He wont sit next to anyone- NOT even his dad..Sometimes I take a bath with my little girl..well he has taken ONE bath with our son- with a tank top, boxers and basketball shorts!!
He gets pissed when us girls are having a ladies nite cuz we are all in the bathroom together fixing eachothers bras (YES da throne we do ! LOL!) and my husband says that women are predispotioned to be lesbos!! HAHA!!
I think its Stupid- - You guys need to get over that shit and slap your boys ass once in a while!! JUST Kidding.. then again- you guys do it in baseball and football- - but the whole men in tight pants slapping eachothers asses is pretty um.... anal (hahhaha). ..
Ok.. enough of this.. back to reality...
da ThRONe

@Jenn Perez

I agree in my experiences it more of a race and/or culture thing than just a male thing. And it tends to be younger minorities as well. I dont think older people have time for petty shit.
Elle

@ Da Throne

LoL well again, it all depends on the society we live in. It is soooo not considered "gay behaviour" out here.

Patting each other on the ass on the other hand .. I dont know about that one ... good game or not, touching another man's ass is not gay while hugging him/"air kissing" him is? Makes no sense to me.

This is the most un-american thing to say but I will do it: bending down and having another man stand close behind you as they do during football games would be conidered EXTREMELY gay over here. WTF is that about? Who came up with that? I cant help but giggle everytime I see that.

In the words of Riley Freeman: That's gay!
Nu_B

Its a cultural thing... I think that's the best way to explain it. Our cultural expectations, as Americans, have that hidden force that drives us to claim "space." If you will note ...MOST (not all) of those who are NOT American will tend to be more intimate with the settings/space that they occupy, male or female, without questioning the other person's sexual orientation.
Nu_B

~peace n salutations~
Seriously, No Seriously

@ Elle I so totally agree with you on the whole sports thing! I never understood it at all! grown me all up on each other during a sport but sitting next to each during a movie is taboo! SMH go figure!

@ Da Throne you are too sill man!
Sunny Dee

Funny thing about Man Law. I have noticed that law is easily broken at sporting events when men easily take their seats next to each other, jiving and cheering throughout the entire thing. What is it about sporting events that brings about such close male bonding?
whateverman

I looks at it like this... dudes need their space. Sitting next to a person can be more intimate than necessary, especially when i'm at the movies tryna to stretch out and get comfortable and some dudes arm or leg is rubbing up against mine in the dark. Thats kinda gay... hip-hop culture pumps extra masculine acculturation so black dudes look at anything slightly homo as unmasculine and highly uncool in addition to regular social stigmas... I don't look at everything as intimate but certain situations can be awkward and men steer clear of. A man needs his space so he can be master of his domain. When someone is all up on u, it's intimate, it says alot about ur level of comfort and relation with that person, and men are not supposed to be toooo comfortable with each other unless... I say this and I am gay. (not that anyone would know) but
I know both sides of the coin...
Hershey’s Kiss

it could be that a brotha needs room. I can't stand being crowded also if my homie sits right beside me I wouldn't have a problem. Homie knows I'm not gay and he better not be trying to touch me or any crap like that. Also It could be a form of homophobia. You know the DL lifestyle is portrayed mostly and stereotypically as a black man deal, however you got men of all races who will not sit side by side. it's not a big deal in my opinion. Great blog
Rasta74

LOL!! First of all no one goes to the movies with me because I talk the whole time. I think where you live may play a role. For example, I live in "da hood" in Youngstown Ohio. Youngstown is a average size ghetto where I've seen the space rule applied. About 20 miles southwest is "hick town" (mostly white people with some other races in the mix). Its a smaller area with a lot of trailor parks,but only like 1 cop on duty at a time. Its not uncommon to see 4 people crammed in the front seat of a car with no one in the backseat! I think that's silly but obviously they think its uncool to sit in the backseat. I used to work near that area and ventured to their Wal-mart: I saw a whole bunch of Amish people! They're a closeknit bunch of folks(who smell like body odor and shit mixed together, nasty!). To my disappointment no horses and buggies in the parking lot, I love animals. I couldn't figure out how they all got there until I saw about 12 Amish squeeze into a small mini-van!! It was "the amish taxi service". Close encounters of the tangy-smelling kind! Side Bar: I did have fun shopping with the Amish. I put light bulbs, extension cords,glade plug-ins and deodorant in some of their shopping carts when they weren't looking!
Neska

i always wondered why guys did that! i remember one time my family rente a truck to got to 6flags and my 5 male cousins hoped the back row, on the way back as everyone was tired they ended up leaning on each others shoulders to sleep and there was such big fuss (funny as hell) when we hit a bump and they realized what happened. if it were girls it wouldn't been an issue. also sometimes when iim on the bus of train and i see a guy practically takin up 2 seats cuz his legs are sooo far apart, the first thing that comes to mind is "you aint that big close ya legs, other peeps wanna sit too!"
da ThRONe

@Anybody taking shot @ football(and sports in general)

STOP IT! Sports is not gay (ELLE) there nothing gay about a bunch of dudes showering together. If it for the purpose of getting clean only!

As much as Lil Wayne and Baby would agree with Elle. Men should not be kissing. In this culture kissing is an intimate thing for couples.

And for the record "slapping ass" in basketball isnt like caressing a dudes ass. And its more like the thigh area! And as for taking a snap in football well I played running back so well leave that one alone!
will

i am whyte an have rode on grey hound many times an the only people to sit next to me was a black man.. whut up wit dat?
Dahlia Eagle-Ellis

As a woman, I have witnessed this behaviour. Quite frankly I feel that it is sad, for I see it as an insecurity on the mans part. I think that if a man is secure with his sexuality, and does not care about what others think then he'd have no problem with this... Personally I don't find it attractive when a man in his mid 20's - mid 30's is acting as though their bredrins have lost their damn mind by sitting next to them, or try embarrassing their friends and making fun of them, JUST so EVERYONE around knows that they are not "gay"...
It's unfortunate, that males would lay such importance on this " Man Rule"... Who you sit beside doesn't make you anything, but who you are! Stay Well, and Be Blessed All!

MJ

As a guy I appreciate your thoughts. To My understanding only the people with Sick mentality and a inferiority complex always want to prove that they are not gay. I felt quite embarrassed when a Black male asked me whether I am a gay for requesting a seat next to him in a crowded metro train. I was with my wife and a year old son and he continued to insult me and made me so scared that I had to leave that compartment at the next station and boarded in another compartment just to avoid some mis-happening. Quite Shocked I was disturbed the whole day I searched the internet about attitude of black males for sitting next to another man I found this blog. I am not a white and am a foreign national. My experience of black males in USA have been very bad so far with few exceptions. however, I also have witnessed friendly and great to be with black guys who unfortunately suffer because of those bad guys in this community which unfortunately are too many. I am so surprised and feel how downgraded society has become now a days in USA that even sitting of a guy next to a guy has become a concern. Do They always think of Sex and nothing else? and to whom they want to prove that they are not gay. May be those who never get a girlfriend try to impress the onlooking girls by trying to prove there sexual preference in hope that one of them might select him as a boyfriend .

shame to be black!!

To be honest, I am so ashamed sometimes to be black! Not only do they not sit next to each other but they will shoot, rob, fight, and call each other niggers. As soon as another race do it they want to riot and fuck up their own streets, homes and cities. They complaine about whites and what they are doing to the black man, but it seems that the whites could care most times less what your doing or saying. They don't shave and wear their pants to their knees. Thats why they can't run from the cops because they trip over thier own pants! It's sad. Even on black city events it's always a fight or shooting and tons of people who see it happen and wont say a word! Not sure if Blacks are cursed or not but if I had a choice I would not pick the black race!

Anonymous

Based on your screen name I'd "assume" you are Black, but yet when you speak of people of color/Black you refer to them as "they," as if you are another race. If you are in fact Black that's a string statement, whether conscious or subconscious about how distant you feel or wish to be from Black people. Just an observation.

As for the choice of picking a race, no one has that luxury and we have to deal with the cards we are dealt. I'd rather be myself than anyone else.

Thanks for your input

shame to be black!!

Your right! I am black. Your right again! I am ashamed and sometimes wish I wasn't. Also I know I didn't have a choice in the matter, thats I I said if I did I would not have picked Black. If you haven't notice the on the tv, in newspapers and in most black populated areas are some of the worse crimes commited aginst each other. But the sad part about it is there is nothing the positive, self respecting blacks can do about it. Because the problem is going to take the hand of God himself to fix. On top of that, they even envy and make stupid remarks about the ones who do become better people with jobs, and life dreams. Suck as "uncle toms, or sell outs" Just because we work for our cash and live in a better area with less crime. And please don't speak correct english! lol Those are the ones who they beleive are white! Even wild animals in Africa protect and look out for there own! Not sure what race you are but I'm 100% sure you rather be comfortable and more secure living in a well protected and higher costing secured area, then one that you have to sleep on the floor at night because of stray gun fire from two 19 year old boys fighting over what drug corner belongs to them! It may sound harsh but you can't get mad over the truth. Also the statement about you rather be yourself than anyone else, lol! You have to be yourself and you can't be anyone else! Think about it.

Rastaman

Too bad you not as embarassed to write poorly.
I am jussaying!

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