Can Men & Women Be Just Friends?

0 Posted by - March 25, 2009 - Relationships, Love & Marriage

dwayne-and-whitley

Can men and women be just friends? That question was the basic premise for the 1989 film When Harry Met Sally. (NAKED FACT: That’s one of my favorite movies and is oh so true). For those that haven’t seen it, Harry is as blunt as they come and tells Sally soon after they initially meet that men and woman can never be friends because sex will always get in the way. Sally countered by saying that she had plenty of males that were strictly friends, which Harry explained they were only her “friends” because she wanted them to be but deep down they probably wanted to have sex with her. It’s a simple concept, that I believe is true on so many levels.

See, the answer to the above question is not as clear-cut as a simple yes or a definitive no. Yes, men and women all engage in different degrees of friendship and can co-exist without ever having sex, but chances are a sexual thought has crossed the mind of at least one of the individuals at some point—probably the guy. Even if it was just for a split second it gives validity to Harry’s argument. No, sex doesn’t have to actual happen but the tension can lie dormant and might one day rise to the surface as it did years later for Harry and Sally, who by that point were considered best friends.

Maybe women can exist in the possibility of a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex, but the same is not always true for men. At some point that guy has thought of that woman in a physical way. It could have existed in their preliminary meeting as he noticed her sexy gait, the beauty of her smile or the prominent bump in the small of her back. Women are the gatekeepers of sex and if she shuts a man down and places him in the friend zone, he has no choice but to play his position. Even if all of the sexual thoughts get purged as a true friendship develops and she becomes like his “sister” to him, the initial attraction/animal magnetism can still exist somewhere in his loins. Just because he learned how to suppress those urges, doesn’t mean they’re gone completely. I’m sure if they got caught up in a drunken night with no inhibition, he (or she) would pounce at the opportunity to bump uglies

The fact of the matter is, most men would at least consider sleeping with the various females in their lives if given the chance. Most times it’s just flash in the pan thoughts that quickly get dismissed. Friend or not, if someone in your circle is attractive you’re going to notice—especially visual creatures like men. Truthfully, the actual attractiveness or lack thereof of the woman is beside the point. If Whoopi Goldberg was wearing a low cut blouse that exposed her cleavage, someone would look. If Mo’Nique were to bend over in front of a construction site, someone would take notice. Men have eyes and we use them often. Besides, men and women are supposed to be attracted to each other. It’s the biological order of things. As shorty from Kindergarten Cop so eloquently put it, “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.” Those two body parts belong together like magnets and at some point they’ll line up. It’s all just a matter of who, when and how often.

Sex is a fact of life and unless you’re neutered it’s a natural desire. I’m sure priests and nuns still have sexual urges (forgive me, father), but for the sake of their religious beliefs they suppress their urges. Just as a married man still has eyes, but limits his sexual interaction (hopefully) to his spouse. I’m sure that even male/female best friends who keep their relationship strictly on a friend level tried to kick it before becoming bestest buddies in the whole wide world. Trust, before they reached that platonic plateau someone wanted to fuck—probably the guy.

But back to the question at hand. Can men and women be just friends? I say yes, as long as at least one of the parties is willing to suppress their latent urges. Now if there’s any sort of mutual sexual tension shared between the two parties, I’d have to say no. But what do I know? I’m just one man with an opinion. I bet if the ladies polled their male “friends” to see if they ever thought of you in a sexual way at least once—checking out your boobie traps, a wet dream or secret crush—you’d be surprised by their answers. Well, if they’re honest.

So what do y’all think: Can men and women be just friends or will sex always get in the way? Have you ever had a crush on someone you considered a friend? Have you ever acted on those feelings? Did you ever regret sleeping with a friend? Fellas, do you check out every woman when you first meet them? Ladies, have you ever been surprised by a close male friend revealing he was attracted to you? How did you respond?

Speak your piece…

friends-w-benfits-tee

  • Anonymous

    @NWSO, LOL that you really find Mo’nique to be so unattractive (in regards to your article you wrote about big girls) this is the second time I have seen you mention her… what did she do to you, does she look like the one big girl that broke your heart or what lol…
    in response to this post , I say male/female relationships can be formed at younger ages but as you get older it gets harder/impossible to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex.

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    LOL

    No beef with Mo’Nique, she’s just no Jill Scott to me. :) But for sake of post, I just chose two women that traditionally don’t get placed in “first option” box to make my point. Neither she or Whoopi are the focus of this discussion. Hopefully you ANONYMOUS person haven’t distracted from today’s topic.

    :P

  • http://inthesunshyne.blogspot.com yes

    I’ve had a few friends confess their love for me and once I told them I didn’t see them like that they didn’t keep up their part of the friendship so I definitely think it can’t happen. If it does it’s for a limited amount of time. I’m sure somewhere someone is making it happen, but I wouldn’t know a thing about it.

  • New Money Machinko

    I usually assume that all my male friends have considered it, and would go for it should I choose to make myself available. I like the thought of it. Its good for the ‘ol ego. Hehe

    Like I tweeted, I have a few platonic friends I have naughty thoughts about from time to time.

    I don’t think that means we aren’t real friends. Like u said, we’re humans. Nothing inherently negative about attraction.

    :)

  • Sweetp

    Im split on this one because my best friend is a guy and i used to think of him that way but we have been so deep on the friend level for over 13 years now that he is like a brother now but for the current situation im in i would have to say no. I have this friend and in the beginning we could chillax on the couch watching a good movie and even go to sleep in the same bed. Well back in February we had one of those nights and before we were going to get up and head to school to study we decided to take a nap. Well that nap lead to a talk and that talk lead to some touching, the next thing you know we are bumping uglies. Im not going to lie it sucked the first time for me but he loved it, so he kept coming back. I have trained him a little, so now it is the bomb. He got me to experience my first orgasm through intercourse. We both enjoy it now but now the tables have turned. I knew he had an ex girlfriend when we first met and i knew he had feelings for her still. Well now she wants to come back in the picture and his attention is drawn back towards her. Well we talked about these things but i am now finding it difficult to just be friends with him because he is a really great guy and potential hubby material. So we are now trying to come back down to that plutonic friend level but i dont want to be just his friend. It is kind of like that Deborah Cox song “We cant be friends”. I dont know. Any advice?

  • LL

    Sure they can, until one of them wants to have sex.

    I have been friends with guys I never slept with, and trust me, one of us was thinking about it……..one of two things happened, we either slept together, or the friendship somehow diminished……

    Why?

    Because one was thinking about it, maybe the other was thinking about it and didn’t want to go there, and I suppose the best way to deal with those feelings for many people is to stay away from that person, if you really don’t want to pursue a relationship with them, for fear of treating them like a jump off, or fear of hurting that person you call friend, feelings.

    *Sigh*

  • distinguishedgentlewoman

    What a coincidence, I watched Brown Sugar over the weekend.

    I think men and women can be just friends. But from experience I also have to admit that there is always that sexual tension present in the relationship that the two have decided not to act upon. And sometimes in the heat of the moment, those two people could decide to put away their initial hands-off rule, opting for a good old fashioned roll in the hay. But things can really get out of hand if the two have different opinions about where they want to take the relationship after doing the nasty.

  • PREVALENT

    EACH SITUATION IS DIFFERENT FOR EACH INDIVIDUAL . ETC…..

  • Reginaslim

    I’ve recently learned about your blog about 2 months ago and I must admit that it’s addictive. Keep up the great job NWSO. This is actually my first time commenting! :-)

    Now back to the subject at hand, I think that as long as there is some type of attraction between the individuals, then a man and woman CANNOT remain friends. There’s always gonna be that curiosity factor in the back of ur minds. A couple of months ago, a male friend of mine revealed that he has strong feelings for me and I was completely shocked. My best homegirl always joked about him liking me but I constantly brushed it off. Unfortunately, the feelings were not mutual. He’s a nice guy but I had no physical attraction to him whatsoever. He was almost like a brother! My response to his confession was that I was shocked and I told him that I like him as JUST a friend. He admitted that he regretted telling me since nothing would come out of it. Honestly, I completely block it out of my mind when we hang out so things aren’t awkward. Hopefully he’s over it now that’ he’s in a relationship though…who knows?!

  • Elle

    Personally, I am absolutely with your line of thinking, NWSO.

    True and “innocent” friendship is not possible unless one of the people involved is somehow related to you or homosexual. In any other case thoughts of bumping uglies will always cross one party’s mind at some point. Add a bottle of wine to the mix, a chill night on the couch with a DVD and watch what happens.

    Having acquaintances of the opposite sex is absolutely possible. Flashes of fantasies will still occur but since the bond is rather lose, it wont matter. Now a full blown friendship with a man is something I do not believe in. Yes, my fiancé is also my best friend but that’s another story.

  • http://amplifiedgrammar.blogspot.com/ AmpGeez a.k.a. Mr. Solo Dolo

    Only way a man can maintain a completely platonic relationship with a woman is if he’s either gay or unattracted to her. Sounds grimey, but it’s true.
    I have female friends that I’m cool with, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t give em the stiffington if given the opportunity.

  • July

    I agree with the person who said its easier for men and women to be friends when they are younger cause I guess the innocence is still there. Its been my experiance that there is always some underlying tension between both parties, just that some repress it better than others and after a couple of drinks liquid courage takes over and its a wrap from there. The parties involved just needed the right time and excuse to act on pre-existing feelings. But its not just drunken nights that can open the floodgates of long suppressed desire, if another person suddenly comes onto the scene that capture your ‘platonic’ friends heart suddenly things change. Men and women can be casual aquintances but best friends I think not, thats just asking for trouble.

  • PATRICIADEE

    I totally agree with AmpGeez a/k/a Mr. Solo. I truly believe that the only way men and women can truly be friends is if they are gay or if they are totaly not attracted to one another. I have male friends who are simply just friends but I know they would have sex with me and the opportunity presented itself (the same is true for me) :-)

  • Optical_Illusion

    @ Anonymous

    You took the words right outta my mouth!

    @NWSO

    What you got against big girls???

    :-) Lmao

  • Simone

    Honestly, with each male friend that i have my mind wandered – what if…? I wonder how…? Should I…? My male friends are people that I have met through other people or someone trying to holla at me. I may have even kissed one or two and said, “nah, lets just be friends” because i see friendship potential in them and there was no spark. I also do know those that would like to take another step but i keep them at a hand’s length.
    So to answer your question – male and females can be friends but because of our nature our minds may wonder, i think it’s natural. Oh, females minds do go there to when it comes to our male “friends”, we are just better at hiding it.

  • Optical_Illusion

    @ NWSO

    …and yes I’ve been distracted from today’s topic. LOL
    Maybe we could talk about it in an upcoming blog…

  • Jae

    As i was reading this i decided to test this theory on the male contacts in my blackberry. Lets just say that 97% of the male friends have given me some sort of blatent ‘if you would let me hit it i would’, 2% are def in the ‘brother’ zone so i wouldnt know how to react even if they did show interest, and well then 1% are of them are gay. So maybe you are right? I know when i started dating my boyfriend a few of his friends and family (males) were upset because now i was off limits so i guess that fantasy will stay just a distant dream. But i can say with only like 2 male friends for sure I gave it thought but that was only after i had been approached about taking it past platonic. That area is such a gray zone lol…but us women do have the power! lol

  • http://www.guerillaartist.com Deka

    I think it’s normal to be a man and have female friends and keep it platonic. I would be a liar if I said I never thought of being more than friends for a split second. It’s possible to be friends with a woman and be attracted at the same time and not go there.

  • Seriously, No Seriously

    Men & women can not be friends like 2 women or 2 men can be friends plain & simple.

    Even as kids little suzy is best friends with lil mikey b/c she finds him to be a cutie. if you ever have a chance to watch kids play they immulate adults to a tee! It is just something that we pass on the innocence of it is that they dont understand what they are feeling. It’s not until we get older and learn about sex is when we put those feelings we have together with what we want to act on.

    I have always had more male friends b/c I was/am a tomboy. I can relate to them more and its rare to find a woman who is as blunt and not into the average “girly” banter as I am. I had no problem with my boys feeling a certain kind of way about me and me feeling a certain kind of way about them. We value the friendship and know that the boudaries cant be crossed. Now I have gotten into a relationship or 2 with a male friend and going back to the way things were, was a very difficult task but we got over it and pressed on.

    But like a few said unless they are family members or butt ugly (and even then ppl grow on you) the thoughts will be there its up to the individuals not to act on them.

  • Sunny Dee

    A friend of mine once told me he could never date a woman who had as many male friends as he does female friends. Why? Because of exactly what you said NWSO women intentionally put men in the friend category, men have to accept being placed there as a way to remain in relationship with you. So, while a dude might roll up to one of his many female friends and say “I’ve had these feelings for you…” The response would be “get outta here!” With a playful punch to the shoulder. On the other hand a man is more likely to say “I thought you’d never ask!” I have crossed that line before and regretted it, it’s similar to a previous blog you do about whether sex ruins the friendship. Gone are the days of sitting around on the couch talking about nothing, being able to sleep in the same bed and not even think about it and gone is the casual comfort level that was previously established. Of course men and women can just be friends, plenty of them are. But I wonder how many of them would truly choose to leave it at that level?

  • http://www.loveloleeta.blogspot.com JessyRod

    i think the answer is yes and no, you are friends if you choose to remain friends. you become intimate if you choose to become intimate.

    the latter of course comes with its own set of follies. i’ve been fortunate that the male friends i’ve crossed the line with have not only remained my friends but our relationship has grown stronger. whether that’s because we now know what the other looks like naked, i’m not sure. but the point is, it’s not impossible. it’s just a matter of how maturely you can deal with the situation. i also have male friends who i’ve never considered crossing the line, no matter how attractive they were. go figure!

    so yes, NWSO, men and women can JUST be friends. until they choose NOT to be just friends. =)

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @ Optical Illusion

    Nope, nothing against “big girls” in fact, i did a whole post dedicated to plus-sized sisters here:
    http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2008/09/30/day-29-ode-to-the-big-girl-8690/

    Note: I didn’t know “chubby chaser” was an offensive term.

    But as for Mo’Nique, she just doesn’t do it for me—plus-size or skinny—she’s not my type. I’m sure her husband loves her and there are plenty of folks that find her attractive/beautiful. She’s just ok to me, an dthat has nothing to do with her size. Gimme Jill Scott or Mia Davis any day. (And no it ain’t a light skin thing either. LOL)

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @Sweetp

    You may just have to cut your losses at this point. If ol’ boy is focused back on his ex, he basically made his decision. For you to be the side piece or waiting in the wings for them to be over is just gonna hurt you in long run.

    Sounds like you guys had a good friendship, but you have fallen for him. You may just need to fall back for a bit to get him out of your system before you can get that platonic vibe back because you seeing him is probably gonna be painful for a while because you can’t have him, but some distance may make it easier. But basically he made his decision and you have to respect that.

  • She-Hulk

    It has been my personal experience with male friends that a ‘friend only’ relationship-no sex talk or thoughts-is not possible. Chilling on the couch watching a movie is cool, but that has started many fun filled nights for me. There has always been tension there. I have also noticed with some guys that if I say upfront “Friends Only” they usually lose interest. In this case, I refer to Amy Winehouse’s song ‘Just Friends’. Attraction always gets in the way, if not when you meet, definitely down the road. But thats just my opinion.
    PS This is my first comment! Yay Me!

  • Litabia

    The majority of my friends were guys at one point in time. Every single one of them tried to havve sex with me. As a matter of fact one friend that I was really close with for about 12 years just came at me talking about he always wanted to have sex with me. Well now we don’t even speak to each other anymore. I see him everyday cause he lives right across the street. So that doesn’t happen all the time it was just the way he approached the whole situation. But I’m leery of males friends but I still have them but just like someone said in a previous reply, I have to assume that every single one of them wants to have sex.

  • ChuckDonald

    HELLLLLLLL NNNOOOOOO!!!!!! ooooohhh HELLL NOOOO!!! people please don’t lie to yourselves. How about this, just ask your friend and look in their eyes… LMAO And if you have gay friends ask them tooooo…. what had hhhaaapppeeennn!!!

  • LL

    NWSO

    I gotta question………

    When a man has a majority(actually almost all of them) of friends who are women?????

    Whats your take on that?

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @LL

    Actually I think that’s just the natural order of things. Most guys have more female friends and women have more male friends.

    On the women side, y’all tend to be catty and hold grudges like a mofo so can actual chill with more guys in your circle. On the man side, who doesn’t want to be surrounded by beautiful women that you secretly want to bone. LOL

  • LL

    @NWSO

    Your quote “who doesn’t want to be surrounded by beautiful women that you secretly want to bone”

    There we have it. LOL

    :)

  • ChuckDonald

    Here I go…. He is filling in where his woman LACK… wow. Did I say that???? oooohhhh!!! OKAY, OKAY, that was not right… He is filling in what he is not able to bring out of his woman. I like that better!!! I don not want to steer this, but… If you’re not compatible with your mate, or too lazy to find the right 1… Then you filling the gaps with womanfriends (different woman for different occasions).

  • LL

    @NWSO

    I will disagree with you on one point………it being the natural order.

    I believe that women naturally tend to have more female friends and vice versa……

    Naturally speaking……its the other issues in life that causes the shift.

  • LL

    Chuck, Your on to something. lol

  • nieshia

    i have a male friend that is Very attractive but there is no way that i would have relations with him. I know too much about his history. i know things about him that his girlfriends, and yes i said girlfriends, dont even know and if they did they wouldnt talk to him either, and its the same with him. He is someone i can kick it with and not have to worry about fighting him off of me later that night.

  • arlene

    Sounds like you guys had a good friendship, but you have fallen for him. You may just need to fall back for a bit to get him out of your system before you can get that platonic vibe back because you seeing him is probably gonna be painful for a while because you can’t have him, but some distance may make it easier. But basically he made his decision and you have to respect that.

    if that ain’t the gospel truth, i don’t know what is.

    oh, men and women will always have this can/can’t be friends struggle. its how its balanced that is the question, and each situation is different. blame it on the goose!

  • K-Love

    I have tried to be friends with the opposite sex but it does not seem to work. Most of my male friends are extremely handsome, and I am equally attractive ( with my 5″9′ stance and thick frame). Everything is all good when we are just hanging among mutual friends, but as soon as there is a moment of being alone with them, they become casanovas. “Girl, i’ve been digging you from day one, I’m trying to more than your friend, I can be that man you need. We tell each other everything, I never had a female to keep it so real with me. I think you are good for me, and to top it all off you are sexy ass hell.”

    I have heard this too many times before. I asked my man why is it like that. He says “It all depends on the woman that you are dealing with. If the woman in question is attractive, smart, nice personality, and has a sense of humor, it would be hard to only see her as a friend if we both are single. She has too many good qualities to look past, and why not try your hand with someone like that. Who could ultimately bring you complete joy in all aspects of a relationship.”

    He then says, “On the other hand you have the woman, who could only be your friend. She’s just not your type all, but you have a lot in common. She’s the girl that can hang with your girl, or the girl that you can hook ya man up with. She’s like the chick up the block you grew up with, she probably smokes weed or drinks and would check that Bougie Bytch that tried to hurt me.”

    It all comes down to who you are associating with. You may or may not be able to be just friends. Besides if it is meant to be, it shall be.

  • simply azsa

    haha. this is crazy.i recently did a blog about this very same subject. my inspiration came from the movie “just friends”but all the same. you worded it so much better than me but all in all our thoughts are the same.
    i have a ton of friends that arent difficult to look at but im just not physically interested, but on many occasions they have made it very clear that under certain circumstances and putting our friendship aside they would; & i quote “give me the bizness…” lol
    i respect thier honesty and the fact that i can still chiill with them and not feel like ima’ piece of meat.
    i think its fine that men & women can never be just friends, its just all in the way you approach the situation…

  • YoungJay

    I had an experience with this and it took time for us to get back to the friend level. As hard as you try, you bump uglies with somebody and are continuously hanging out with them you will eventually have some type of feelings and thats where the trouble starts.

  • Seriously, No Seriously

    @Chuckdonald what if you found the “one” and still have many male/female friends are you still filling in the gaps?

    For me personally like i said b4 I dont tolerate too many women for so many reasons to name but we all need that person or people who we confide in I just have a better rapport with men. There are some things that I just cant dicuss with my man b/c he would look at me crossed-eyed or just not understand. I have been told time and time again that i act and think like a man and b/c of that some women cant handle my mouth or personality. so it really depends on the people involved.

  • sb

    i have plenty of female friends that i would NEVER adn the thought has NEVER crossed my mind

  • Mimi in the OC

    Totally agree with you NWSO.
    Male-Female friendships are always limited. One or the other will have sexual thoughts or feelings or both at some point.
    I think it won’t necessarily ruin the friendship, but it will create obstacles to the friendship…

  • JaS jr.

    ha…so funny this topic came up.

    I recently got “intimate” with a friend i’ve known for years. The setting was no different than any other chill session….we were at my house chillin watching TV, crackin jokes, sippin on some wine….nothing out of the ordinary. We ended up talking (and drinking, lol) till like 4am. So obviously she was in no condition to drive home so she crashed at my place (this wasnt the first time…she would sleep in my bed and i would sleep on my couch. No biggie).

    But i recently got rid of my couch so i had no other option but to sleep on the floor. She’s like “Get your behind in the bed. just keep your penis off my back, (joke).”

    So i get into bed about to go into a alcohol induced coma…till I feel a hand “petting the anaconda”. As a red-blooded, heterosexual male…under the influence of henny….who hadnt had any in a while, i let millions of years of instinct take over….

    Long story short, she left early the next morning to puck up her brother from the airport. We haven’t mentioned it since. I mean we’ve talked since then, but its like it never happened. And i think it should remain that way. (but damn if it wasnt some good stuff!)

  • DiffNames

    I think men and woman can be just friends but there are different scenarios that can make it easier or harder.

    If your always in a group setting then being “just” friends is a lot easier.

    But if you always one-on-one with that person it becomes increasingly harder (no-pun)

    I definitely try not to go that route. If you’re already a friend then thats probably how its going to stay, unless my intentions all long have been to spank that ass.

    I won’t lie sometimes it is hard especially if your mind says one thing and your body or even your heart says another.

  • ChuckDonald

    @ Seriously, No Seriously,

    you just answered your own qt. You have stuff you will not or can not tell your man. Who are you telling?? hmmm hmmm hmmm

    Try telling him 1 of those things and see if he can handle it. If it is important to you it should be to him too. BUT,If you are cheating on him with his brother/bestfriend/father/sister/mother, please don’t tell him.

    Or did I completely misunderstood and you just want to be my friend??? what haddd happpennn

  • KiSS

    I do think men and women can be just friends. My best friend is a male and we have known each other 15 years plus. There has never been an attraction or any intimacy between us. IMO when your just friends, be just friends. I have a good amount of male friends but things such as laying together hugged up watching a movie is not what I do with my homeboys. I think that confuses thing. I’m not going to be laid up with a female friend so I don’t do it with the males. We can chill out cook eat together etc. Can even have the glass of wine and watch movies but I’m on my couch and he’s on his. Never been in that are we aren’t we situation yet.

  • isis

    Excellent topic, one that will probably continue to be discussed and debated until the end of time. And as you pointed out there will never be a definitive yes or no answer to this question. I have always had more male friends than female friends, until recently (now I think I’m pretty much even on both sides)and the boys, a few of which are like fam to me make it no sercret that sometimes my woman-ness catches them off guard and they can’t help but have a glance. As a woman, I appreciate this from time to time…like reassurance (*i still got it*) BUT I think most times the buck stops there and no ones having any ‘let’s get it on’ type fantasies. Same goes for me towards the boys, they fly…so I peek buuuut that’s pretty much it.

    As you said, and I agree, the attraction doesn’t negate our friendship…it’s natural to be attracted. Friendship just means there’s boundaries that, presumably both parties understand and are committed to….

  • Anonymous

    Ofcourse if im sexually attracted to a female thoughts of sex will enter my mind. I also think that two people have to want the same thing from there relationship for them to work. There is a huge difference between waiting as a friend and being a friend. If you really enjoy a person’s company that comes 1st and if you happen to find them attractive thats a side issue. There are some friendships with sexually tension and there are some without it. But like most things you just gotta be honest with yourself and the other person. And if there are some sexually feeling address them!

  • AllInTheGame

    Absolutely possible. But the girl cant play hokey pokey, sticking her foot back and forth over the line in the sand or flirting about sexual stuff cause the guy is gonna get weak and wanna hit. And the dude has to respect his homegirl’s comfort zone–one clumsy pass and he can lose that homegirl forever.

    Me, I have a lot of female friends and yes one or two of them I may have had something happen with in the past, but thats in the past and there is an understanding there. But generally I pass on any sexual tension because the insights I get from them about male-female relations, female psychology and sexuality, etc. are too valuable to let sexual tension and romantic power plays disrupt that wisdom.

    IOW once the ‘games’ played by women and men over love and lust enter the picture, she’s probably not gonna keep it 100% honest with me and Id hate to lose that, so I pass.

  • Anonymous

    WOW! U touched home.. I have a BFF who is a male and I think we are both attracted to each other and both love eachother but we have the respect for eachother to keep it platonic. We’ve been friends for about 9yrs and we even kissed in the beginning but just decided to leave it at that cuz he’s a slut and I do not mind opening up a can!!
    Its been tough at times- especially since my significant other hates him because he heard through the grapevine (actually from a girl who used to date my BFF and secretly hates me) that my BFF said that I was the one true love of his life…..
    But we are still great friends- – we just take some time and keep our distance if things feel awkward… Is that the best friendship ever?? Maybe, maybe not.. but we have incredible history, great memories, reliability and I can always count on his brutal honesty – – plus i will always have a place in my heart for him. So i think as long as you can control urges, then yes, there is a chance of a friendship

  • Seriously, No Seriously

    @ ChuckDonald LOL…..the point i’m trying to make is that a friend who has been around foreva & a day a person will feel more comfortable with talking about certain things or saying what’s really on your mind and how you really want to say it!

    i cant think of an example @ the moment but how can you tell ur man that you’re jealous of the relationship he has with his sister?…..

    I have tried to just “talk” to my man the way I talk to my boys it’s not the same. I guess it has to do with wanting to looking a certain way in his eye when dealing with certain subjects.

    I don’t cheat but if I ever did I would lie lie lie deny deny deny! LOL

  • da ThRONe

    I think the problem is some people cant see past there own sex organs. When I meet a female I just let nature take us we’re we need to be. If me and a chick no matter how bad she looks is just meant to be friends thats how it goes.

    For example I have so nice looking female cousins but I dont look at them like that because all my life they have been my big or lil cousins(anybody who look at the cousins sexually is just nasty!)

    If you see somebody in a certain way long enough sex isnt even a factor. Dont believe me look at an married couple LOL.

  • Hershey’s kiss

    I feel that men and women can be friends if they keep a certain distance and boundary up. I was best friends with a young lady and she ended up becoming my current lady. From past experiences I have dated my female friends. I think it is all how intimate and close they get. Sometimes we can’t think past our own sex organs as earlier stated. It just depends on the situation. I do have female friends, but I just see them as friends and “sisters.”

  • Bgirl

    men and women can be the best of friends as long as boundaries are established. Also one must be honest about the true nature of the relationship on both sides. BTW to address another point of the piece, at times you may find that its the male in aforementioned relationship that is placing his “girlfriend” in the friendzone and not the other way around. Sometimes a friend is just a friend homies!!

  • P.Lynn

    I do think that men and women can remain friends as long as they don’t have sex. Sex messes it all up. I stopped talking to two of my male friends bc we ended up doing the deed. It’s hard to look them in the face afterwards.

  • mine jaz

    i dont understand why people cant be just friends that happened to have sex once or twice or maybe a couple times more… and dont give me that women are incapable of having sex with out emotional attatchment…sorry fellas but we can and we do!

  • moonstarz

    This is one of the reasons why I don’t have male friends. I would have to not have any attraction to them, just not like them like that or they would be an ex for a friendship to work.

    @NWSO I have a question for you. I’ll email it.

  • Nikki

    It’s hard. But it can be done. I think you have to set some boundaries up front. i.e. You will not be getting none of my poo nan ee etc. I have a few male friends and I must admit at one point I did think “could I? naaaaah” lol

    NWSO, send me the link to the big girl blog. I’ma big girl and I might need to comment. :)

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @ Nikki

    I already did in a previous comment. You can also use the search engine at the very top of page and type in “ode to the Big Girl” should pop up

  • http://www.gangstarrgirl.com Gangstarr Girl

    I think men and women can be friends once they get have sex and get it over with. lol

  • Neska

    my male coworkers that were a bit older than me ALWAYS got distracted when i walked by, before i even started flirting, they would literally stop what they were doing to watch me walk down the hall way, the ones that were my age i doubt did that.

  • Confusedlittulbrat-oof

    Hey.. I’d like asking help from you. I’m committed to a guy from almost a year now. I don’t want anyone in his place because he’s acted as a great support for me. I have this classmate(was a great friend), a guy.. still is a friend but has been acting weirder lately.. he obeys everything I say. He ain’t that type of guy.. doesn’t listen to anyone or obey.. but does for me. Even if I tell him to stay away from me, he does. But he’s been taking my views and stuff in a different manner and has kinda started acting weird with me. I hate his behaviour now. Sometimes I wish I could just go straight talk to him in the face that what is it between us and with him that he’s been acting so different. He said he doesn’t have a reason and doesn’t need to give any. He told me that he liked me at a time when we were new in class and all.. and frankly, I like him a lot too. Didn’t like before, but now.. like madly. I want him to confess his feelings for me.. because I’m in doubt if I am the girl he writes his love status messages for. Because he says he’s dating a girl and to much extent, I think he’s not telling any lies. What exactly should I do? Nobody has given any satisfactory answers to my problem. Maybe you could help..

  • Whatslovegotodowithit?

    Hmm, I’m here because I actually wanted to find a solution for my problem. I’ve been really good friends with a guy for abt 2 yrs now, and he broke up with his girlfriend of a few years a few months ago. He confides in me, and I, him, and in all honesty i don’t know many people in this world I’ve met that I get on with as well as him because he completely gets me and is as cheeky as me. However, I would never want him as a boyfriend as I saw how possessive he was when he was in a relationship. My friends have been pushing me to go out with him (because everyone says it’s apparent he’s attracted to me), but I don’t want to because I know he’s not over his ex girlfriend and I like having a dude around who I can just spew my mind to without worrying about what he thinks of me. I reckon he’s just transferred his affection to the next available female, which is myself as we hang out all the time. I feel like he’s using my situation as a seemingly always single girl to kind of try it on and see what happens but the reality is I’m not his kind of girl, he always has been after the hot ladies anyway, so it might be a case of, oh she’s single, she might be fine with it. I have lately felt sexually attracted to him but I put that down to being flattered that a guy’s interested in me.

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @Whatslovegotodowithit?

    It sounds like you’re doing the right thing. If you acknowledge that your friend would NOT make a good boyfriend and that sex would just complicate things and ruin the chemistry that you two have, then leave it at that. It’s basically where you’re thinking with your head and not your hormones. Now if you felt he was good BF material that’d be a whole other thing.

  • “Sally”

    Several months ago a male friend revealed he had feelings for me (as I read Reginaslim’s post Ii kept nodding cuz our stories are nearly the same). He made an assumption, though, that I felt the same since we’d been friends for a few years and were comfortable talking with each other. I was shocked at this and backed off, far away, to the point that I stopped emailing him and talking with him. He apologized for his blunt admission yet I’ve not been able to return to the level of trust I once had with him.

    Another male friend I’ve known for a few years also likes me, and the tension is brewing. I’m not sure what will happen if we do sleep together.

  • yyy

    I have a huge crush on a male friend of mine. I don’t think he thinks of me in any sexual way, he probably just thinks I’m a cool girl. I’m not an unattractive girl but he’s more attractive than me, so I feel like I have the lower hand. I don’t think I would ever confess what I’d like to do to him, I would be mortified if he didn’t feel the same way about me – OR if he did feel the same way about me but wasn’t serious about it, which for most guys, is the most likely scenario. Also, I find him to be not only extremely attractive, I also find him extremely interesting, and I wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend.

  • AnotherPartOfMe

    @yyy 100% DITTO :s

  • da ThRONe

    Clearly yyy is one of my female friends! :D

  • sidney

    I have known someone for about 13 years, at first we did have some horse play but that didn’t last long. I do find myself ‘giving her the eye’, only yesterday, i did notice that she was looking at me. we are best friends, she has always turned to me even though she is in a relationship. I was told off last summer for looking, it didn’t help that she was almost falling out of the top she had on. I do dream about her and once or twice she has dreamt about me. I do fancy her, she is beautiful to look at. So can men and women be just friends? I think it is only natural to be attracted to the opposite sex. But you have to respect their wishes and she has stated that will only ever remain good friends. I will admit that the sexual tension has thrown the spanner in the works and we have had our up’s and downs and we have not talked to each other for about 3 weeks. But our friendship is strong and has been tested a few times, I have hurt her a few times and I regret it, I miss her when it happens but for some reason she makes the first move in getting in touch, her mother says she is very stubborn and I have to get in touch first

  • living it

    My boyfriend of 8 months (yes, its serious with us, we have talked about moving in, say ILY ,etc) has a woman best friend, that he freely admits he “loves like a sister”. They have been friends for 2 years now. He was very attracted to her when they met, and they did try to date, but it settled into “friends” (Personally I think she was the one to say no to any advances.She is tall,thin, blonde, ) They were both unattatched shes been divorced for over 6 yrs and he 3. He says as he got to know her she has issues, and will proabably never be happy, but he still loves her “like a sister”. He has always been there to prop her up when she is depressed and hads issues. I did once tell him that by constantly rescuing her and not helping her to forge other realtionships, he is acting in a co-dependant capacity. She will call him for some of the silliest non-issues and make this big deal ,complete with crying ,ect. And he will either go rescue her or talk her through it for as long as she needs. But to be fair- she had walked him through his very messy divorce and listened to him whine for hours ,i am sure. Recently she did help him with alot of legal issues relating to this, and he now feel he owes her a great debt . But he has “paid it forward” by watching kids, repairs, dinners, long before he ever needed her help. He swears that they have never had any sexual contact, has never seen her naked, but they have kissed when they were trying to date. He has dated other people during this friendship before we met. One was quasi-serious. They have/still do alot for each other, he watches her kids, shes helps him with legal stuff,and they have definetly been leaning on each other all this time. I’ve met her twice now- but they talk to each other almost every day. My boyfriend once passed a comment that she has to get used to the idea that he has someone else, they were just used to having each other to talk to /lean on,etc. . I have noticed that he seems to now try to keep us apart,instead of bringing us together to have dinners, or just hang out. I notice that the closer we get, she will try to step up the “drama”, so he has to rescue her . I truly do think that she does not really want a sexual realtionship, after all, she could have had that any time, and I am sure my guy would have jumped on it! I think he is more valuable to her as an “ear” and a babysitter, ride, and handyman. My guy is a super nice guy, sometimes too nice for his own good. He gets taken advantage of alot, but i can’t say anything cause then i look like I’m making trouble,and if he really didn’t want to do this stuff, he could learn to grow a pair and say “sorry, can’t” . he recently stated that he was “trying to put some distance ” when i asked why I have not heard anything about her for a week or so, and that it was getting to be a little too much drama for him. We were on vacaton together when he said this, and she called him- twice. It just feels to me that she tries to keep guilting him, and pulling him in. And yes, i am sure she is worried about losing her friend, mentor, supporter,and babysitter. I have no issues with him having women friends, he does have others,and my own marriage ended because my ex had women friends that he ended up sleeping with because he did not know where to draw the line. It just seems to me that women are so disrespectful of anothers relationships. I don’t care if they call, or even if he meets them for a lunch or dinner sometimes, but- they should try to include me as well sometimes. A serious realtionship that includes friends of the opposite sex should consider ALL parties feelings ,what consitutes crossing the line, and when to step back. Most of his women friends do none of these. Except for one and she is perfect , she “gets” it, and I actually would trust her to spend a night The others- They call, one is practically a calling stalker, but lives in a diffrent state,thankfully. We are not kids, we are all in our late 40- to mid 50’s. Look, i know my guy probably LOVES all this extra attention, and even when he complains about any of them he still will not get rid of ‘em! He says I’m it, there is no one else, he’s not looking for anyone else, he does talk of future for us, and these are just friends. Its frustrating sometimes, cause of what happened to me,and because my guy is so nice I know he just can’t say no to anyone, even if it ends up hurting me.

  • taylormade80

    I dont think its possible, for the opposite sex, to just be friends, every female friend I have ever had, we ended up having sex, with the exception of one. Not because I dont want but because she was the closest one, and it takes a little more time to cross that line, because she is actually a very good friend who knows more about me, than my family does. I know the time will come, and i wont hesitate to jump right in.

  • kr

    probably not possible

  • Maiko

    Can men and women ever be friends??

    Yes, BUT only in certain circumstances. I (female) have two very good (gay) male friends, neither of which I want to have sex with, and neither of which, obviously, want to have sex with me!!! We are very good friends, we have a good laugh, and I value both of them as friends.

    I have other male friends, but one in particular who is a great friend. I constantly want to have sex with him, and I KNOW that he would jump at the chance (we have discussed it) BUT…. we are both married. We are still friends, but the tension is, at times, unbearable.

    Interestingly, I have NO such desires for any other of my male friends, but I also don’t know if any of them have those sort of sexual feelings towards me. It’s not really the sort of thing you can ask in a day-to-day conversation, without sounding weird!

  • Tiffy

    I have to start by saying that most of my friends are male. The reason that they are friends and not boyfriends are because they are all the type of men I’d go on a date with…not enter an exclusive/romantic relationship with…and that is why they are my platonic friends. In that regard it is never a problem for me to be in a romantic relationship with someone and have these guy friends around. If it ever comes up in convo with a boyfriend I just say that my friends are guys that I could have fun with (hang out, etc) but could NEVER date….for me this is sufficient, even if the male friend is hot or w/e because I’m a “relationship girl”….I don’t even kiss without being committed…so considering that I have clear cut boundaries set inbetween what consitutes as a friendship vs. romantic relationship and considering that I have a pretty distinct criteria for what I need in a man to be romantically involved with me, I don’t have any problems in having male friends. Of course, I know many of my male friends would like to go futher with me…so if I didn’t have such defined definitons for everything I could see how things could get pretty messy real quickly!

    So…I guess it all just depends on the people involved–it would be much more difficult to have a platonic opposite sexed friend if you’re liable to sleep with people that you are not exclusive with….since I’m pretty prude with my friends/acquaintences and reserve the physical stuff for boyfriends, it’s not a problem for me at all.

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    Yes, it depends on the people—primarily the female not being down for the get down. On the end (the guy) he’d be down for whatever typically at the drop of a bra.

  • Miriam

    Ok guys. Listen up.

    TRUE Platonic friendships are rare between men and women. Period. Usually either the male or female, or both parties want more. I grew up hearing older folks say that ‘men do not consider females as friends, if it starts off this way he will WANT some sugar at some point’. From a village with a population of 3000 and my own experiences this seem true.

    A platonic friendship can be formed only when the sexual tensions have been quenched (it is widely believed that even an underlying sexual attraction brought the two together as friends, sometimes subconsciously. At that point either the relationship dissolves totally or you pick up the pieces and plan your friendship route from there.

    From my experience most of my male friends 99% would have loved to pleasure me. Didn’t happen because I said no, I wasn’t physically attracted to them. Now there is one guy that is my close friend, that I would love doing this with, but we are both already taken. So the sexual tension is ripe, one can smell it in the air. At least onn my part, We havent spoken about this, and although he said way back that he was attracted to me, I don’t know if that means he would have me sexually.

  • Miriam

    Another thing,

    for those of you that admit that you have had sexual thoughts about your friend, yet continue claiming that its platonic, you are fooling yourselves. Delusional folks. Stop it.

    Platonic friendships excludes sexual thoughts and longings for the friend. Be honest here.

  • Priya

    Hey, I’m an Indian (India) & here, it’s not easy to express your love to the opposite sex. I had many guys as friends & there have been times when they have somehow (with difficulty) managed to tell me that they are in love with me! I was shocked all those times! Until I read this article I never realised it to be so… but now, when i think of it…you seem to be soooo true! Maybe they all had it in them from the beginning. There was this guy who became my friend by swearing he never wanted to be anything other than my friend. That was the 1st time anyone made friends with me in such a manner. Well, I believed him. But after a year or two, when I told him that I’m in love with another guy (to whom I’m married now), I could sense the change of tone in his voice…he couldn’t even act happy.
    And, there is still a neighbour of mine who is so friendly with me & whom I’ve seen staring at my b–bs when i talk to him, who always makes an indirect sexy comment about me….says I’m sexy, etc… Wonder what’s in his mind!? lol! …Funny yet scary…he’s just a wall away!

  • Sez

    I’m 28 and my best friend is male and we have been best mates for 12 years now (since college).  It is the best friendship anyone could ask for.