Where Are All the Good Men & Women?

Posted by NWSO • April 1, 2009 • Printer-friendly

The other night a friend of mine hit me up on IM with a simple question: “Where are all the good men?”

Jokingly, I responded, “At the library.”

Clearly not amused, she pressed me further, “No, seriously, where are all the good men?”

“Hell if I know, they’re probably off hiding somewhere with all the good women," I countered. “LOL.”

Thinking back on the IM conversation and the current state of dating for most singles, maybe I was right about all the good men and women being at the library. With people more concerned with “hooking up” than forming lasting relationships these days, maybe the good men and women exist only in fairytales and love novels. I say this because the storybook endings we were sold as children seem to be just that, stories. Where are Cinderella, Snow White, Prince Charming, Romeo and all those other super lovers and diehard romantics? I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t seen many horses and carriages or chicks with glass slippers in my daily travels. Well, I have seen a few strippers with hella ass and glass bottom shoes, but I digress.

So where are all the good men and women? The club? Sorry, I retired from that scene a long time ago—too many strobe light honeys and hangovers. The street? New Yorkers are way too jaded and defensive to strike up any meaningful conversations on the street—besides approaching women on the street ain’t my style. The office? Not only would that violate most corporate sexual harassment guidelines, I work from home now and there ain’t many females floating by my desk. The gym? People are too self-conscious there. Friend of a friend? That’s my standard mode of hook-up but if things don’t work out it usually leaves you caught up in a tangled web that can be hard to unravel. That and you’ll probably have that one friend always up in your business. Social networking sites like MySpace, BlackPlanet, FaceBook and Match.com? Has it really come to that? I hope not ’cause that’s a scary thought because those places tend to become digital meat markets and I haven’t eaten red meat in over 10 years.

Maybe I’m just being pessimistic, but I’m really starting to think the best thing to do is to go to the library, pick up a book and read your little heart away. Find out How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Reacquaint yourself with Gone With the Wind. And rediscover what happily ever after is. Maybe along the way you’ll bump into that sexy librarian that’ll have their way with you in between the book stacks like a steamy Zane or Danielle Steele romance novel. At the very least, all the fairytales will inspire you to be a good man or woman your damn self, and remind you of what one looks like when you see him/her. Oh, by the way, did I ever mention that I used to work at a library for two years in college? True story.

What’s your take on the dating prospects these days? Do you find it hard meeting someone worthwhile? Where do you go to meet men and women? Have you tried online dating? How have friend referrals worked out for you? If you’ve been single for a long time, do you feel like you’ll never meet your Mr. or Mrs. Right? Is anyone’s biological clock starting to tick? Where do you think all the good men and women are?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: books, dating, fairy tales, library, love, novel, Relationships/Love, romance, story book ending

SpeechIsMyHammer.com

I've been single for a minute, and I've had a habit, for whatever reason, of dating women that weren't worth my time. Used to really piss me off, but I came to the conclusion that it's not just them - it's me. Something about me chooses wack women, and I need to work on that.

That being said, I don't know where the "good women" are. If I did, I'd be there. Though it does seem rare to meet someone you genuinely connect with. I've had plenty of women who seem like solid choices - cute, head on straight, intelligent, etc. - but we just don't have that spark that relationships require.
l0ve_by_d3sign

Wow it's going on two years for me working in the campus library and i've been flirted with but nothing serious. But i believe a person's other half is either right under the nose or you meet them someplace you least expect it could be the library, laundry mat, car accident, hell a homeless person. People need to open their eyes, strike up a convo with the quiet man or woman never know they might have something amazing to say. I'm not saying settle for less just asking what is your definition of "less ??" much love- lea bea
Neska

*Jumping up and down* I'm Right here! Lol, but i do indeed believe i have the makings of a good woman. If you really want to a good man, you gotta be a good woman, same saying if you want a good woman you should be a good man. One, have reasonable expectations as to what your perfect mate should be and two work on the you that they deserve. I personally think you gotta love you for you and stop thinking that someone has to complete you , cause without them what are you? They're somewhere around, keep your eyes open.
http://time2man-up.com Mark Rockhard

I believe there are somethings you just cant look for.. and love is one of them. Because if your looking to hard you often end-up with the wrong thing.
July

Been single for a while now and yeah those thoughts of whether I will ever meet someone used to torment me but now I've come to the realisation that if it will come it will if not oh well romantic love is not for everybody. As for where to meet people, I wish 'the one' could just come knock at the door, that would save me a whole lot of time, energy and not to mention make up
LL

All the good men are hiding under rocks. Joking.

Everyone has their preferences........I know for some men I am too short....too short tempered, and too picky.

Then there are those that are looking for the fantasy.....

Good is subjective.........where are the ones that are good for you, and the hell if I know.

There is a shortage........I don't care what people say. Mookie N'em don't count.
Elle

Hm, tough question.

I think good men (and women) are everywhere. But that doesn't necessarily mean all of them are good for me. Also, I would label myself as a good woman. Yet and still I am well aware of the fact that I am the absolute nightmare for probably a large amount of men on this planet simply because of how I function, how I think, what I want, what I don't want etc.

Example: My best friend's boyfriend can be labelled as a good guy based on his values, his goals, his demeanour etc. Personally, I would hang him out of the window by his feet after being in the same room with him for about 24 hours.
So while objectively speaking there are tons of good men/women walking around single, subjectively speaking they may not be as good to the individual partner in question.

My fiancé had been single for a good while when I met him and he had never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a few months. Granted, he matured over the years and learned from his mistakes, I do not think he was that different of a person before we met. To me, he is jewel, the bestestest man on the face of the earth. I found it hard to believe a guy like this was single. But I acknowledge the fact that other women may look for different qualities in a man, some of them he may not possess.
Again, it's all subjective.

As far as dating goes:
Street: I can't remember the last time a guy came up to me to strike up a conversation. But hey, men out here need to be drunk to find the courage to talk to women in general. The men in the US seem to be bolder in that department.

Work: I used to work in the entertainment industry for a good while. The way men act in that field is a complete turn off to me and I seriously considered becoming a nun or a lesbian.

Friends: Meeting a man through my friends is highly impossible because I do not have any male friends who may have friends/brothers, and all of my female friends have sisters. So yea, no men in my circle whatsoever.

Not at work, not through friends, not on the street (or any other place where random strangers may talk to me) ...what exactly am I left with? I can only thank God for the internet since this is where I "met" my match. If it wasn't for that I'd still be single because I am not the most social and open person to begin with.

To me it seems as if everyone develops a preference over time. Mines tends to be the net. My best friend always meets her significant others at the club. Another friend always hooks up with co-workers. And Ans admited to always meeting his ladies through friends. Different strokes ... and so on.
distinguishedgentlewoman

@ July:

You took the words right out of my mouth.
Optical_Illusion

I just finished reading Steve Harvey's new book. Everything he talked about in the book, I already practice (with the exception of the 90 day rule, I gotta work on that one). So, why, Steve, am I still single? It's been 3 or 4 years. I lose track lately. I've had friends, flings, summer romances, but haven't met anyone I would consider for the long haul. I get so tired of dating. Sometimes it feels like going to work. I almost do it because I have to. I can't give up, but it is tiring. I try all kinds of techniques to meet someone, to no avail. I approach the man of my interest, sometimes. I think outside the box and go for older or younger guys. I try guys who's body type might not be my preference. Still, nobody.

I get lonely as hell. It happened to me last Friday. My son had a talent show. The whole family came out. When it was over, my sister went home with her girl, my cousin rode out to her man's house, and my son went to spend the weekend with his dad. I came home to Grey Goose and Corona. I don't know what to do. And I am so tired of hearing BE PATIENT. I can't even picture my man's face anymore, but I know that I love him (whoever he is) and I hope that when I meet him, I am not disheartened and can still show him all the love I once showed to someone who didn't deserve it.

Don't make me cry.....
Cchery

There are definitely some good women out there. I'm friends with some of them. But I apparently don't know where to find them for myself. I've been meeting shorties at lounges and bars for like the past year, so I know I need to switch up my meeting grounds if I hope to meet different types of women. Friends always offer to hook me up, but I'm hesitant. it just feels like too much pressure.
paulettebajangal

lmao at July.

A good man is subjective...I base it on aura and how we vibe in person.Cause a guy could be good looking, have great morals, great job etc etc and be boring as hell in conversation....or don't know how to dance or something.

I don't know where they are hiding...and I agree...a "bad" man is a lot more bolder and has no problem stepping to me.The "good" man is gonna wimp out and I'll never know he's a "good" man and give him a chance.

I met someone a while back who I def think is mate material for me but I think he's caught up in the "Gone With The Wind" epic cause all the women he dates have long flowy hair...and mind is all natural and "wild"...lol.

Anslem....you won't meet nobody on the couch...she is not hiding in your bathroom waiting to come out.lol.Get out the house and seek your destiny.lol.
paulettebajangal

Here's a novel idea...Anslem should throw a singles party...since we're all good men and women...why not?? Get it published in Essence .
http://tinyurl.com/dn5tf5 SingleMama

There are still good men. I just think that there is only a small percentage. And somewhere in that small percentage is my husband. Yeah, it's come to online dating for me, I suppose. I don't really look but men seem to find me. And a lot, actually, get mad or their feelings hurt because I told them I'm not interested. I'm like, "Dang, at least I told you and didn't just not respond." Dating sucks. I don't like it. I just want one person. I'm single but not looking; waiting for the right one at the right time. When you look for something you can never find it or you have a hard time finding it. Plus, I feel like the men should come to me. Why? Prov 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. And in the words of Maya Angelou, a woman's heart should be so hidden in christ that a man has to seek him first to find her.
YoungJay

@ paulettebajangal

Thats a pretty cool idea, I recently went to one to accompany a female friend of mine and they had a date auction for charity which made the whole experience fun and good hearted. NWSO, she may be on to something.

Concerning the topic, I have the same problem as speechismyhammer.com....For the past year I have been meeting woman who have become so jaded by the male species that they arent interested in anything but getting the hammer (pun intended) put to them, only to realize later that they missed out on a good thing.

There are good men and women out there, we just need to have a more open mind when it comes to our "ideal" mate. Im sure everyone has someone they let go who looking back on it would be perfect for you now. Dont let the next one go...

Sorry for epic...lol
Halal At Ya Boy

I may be going out on a limb here, but my suspicion is it has alot to do with NYC. New York is such a huge singles scene that perhaps it makes linking up with just ONE person less appealing. I think many people have the notion that "why would i settle for one person when i KNOW there are thousands more out there that may be even better?"

Its discouraging...
Suzanne

There is a simple answer to that question..THERE ARE NONE!!!! Men are all for themselves now..they want you to look like Beyonce..cook like their Mom..screw like a porn star and support them. There is no love or respect or loyalty in men anymore. If you are smart educated and in a career somehow that means that you become their caregiver. I am not interested in taking care of ANY MAN....I am here to be loved, respected and appreciated. In turn I will do the same for you. Alas that is just a dream and only feasible if I look outside my race....maybe!!!!
Sunny Dee

Lately it does seem like a long,cold, lonely night. I don't have any good answers for this but I know it's been the topic of conversation quite regularly lately. In college it seemed like it was so easy because everyone did so much hanging out but now as adults there's not as much time for that, nor as much natural environment. I just was walking down the street today thinking about how I need to take up a new philanthropy so I'll at least be more regularly surrounded by people that I'm like-minded with. But my overall answer is I Don't Know.
Seriously, No Seriously

In your community......go out and do things you dont normally do! i joined a community kickboxing class at the one of the schools in my community and it just happen to be on the same day as the men's basketball night! I also frequent the library, the library host a lot of classes and trips. Do things in your community. There's a community cleanup day that's coming up so I might do that, what better way to find a man who cares about his community and dont mind getting his hands dirty! instead of trying to "find" out where the good men and women are get active and let them find you!
ellee

My friend and I had a similar convo this past summer..

Me: "Where in NY can we find some single, attractive, ambitious, young, educated, African American males?"

Friend: "College!!"

These transitionary years are no joke on the single people looking for relationships..
BrownSugar

@Optical_Illusion
I feel your comment! I was single/celibate for two years; at family gatherings solo and always coming home alone. I cultivated a few online encounters that have become somewhat meaningful, face to face friendships. Out of those, one has become someone, I could swear, we were together in a previous life....lol. We like the same foods, we are both readers, love all kinds of music, even piano music; photography, films, etc. And we met on 'Blackplanet'. I have met wonderful people online from all over the world!
http://www.loveloleeta.blogspot.com JessyRod

Hmmm...interesting question.

Good, quality people? I guess it all depends on where you're going and/or looking for. My experience has been the more you do the things you love, and fall in love with yourself, that will radiate out and attract folks -- both good and bad-- but it will indicate that your light is on and romance will soon follow.

I think the more you "put yourself out there" the more opportunities the universe presents. Take that as hokey, but it's been my experience.

Oh yeah, and you can meet good ones in the library! My boo just happens to be a librarian. Go figure...
Hmmm Hmmm…

Well, this is an ongoing subject isn't it. I tend to agree with the person who says good is subjective. There are so many good people out there balanced with the thought that these same people are the very ones that aren't good for any/everyone. But there are other things at play for me just on a social construct basis. Who says I have to have someone to be happy? I tend to be most unhappiest with someone (as I get older anyway). What is the pre-occupation of having (needing) someone else there? Is it more the, well everyone else has one thing? I'm not saying I wouldn't be open to a relationship, but I think I feel more pressured by the notion of "supposed to have someone in your life" then actually wanting that person. I think it's the rush into and hurried notion that doesn't allow for the connections. That voice in the back of your head constantly guiding your opinions on who this person should be, where you should meet them, how you should meet them, associations, blah blah blah and blah. Whatever happened to just letting it happen? I do understand some of the rushes, especially with age/gender etc.
The fairy tales are still there, now in the forms of reality TV and news stories. Where have all the good men gone? Who knows, maybe you're just blind or picky or you make it up as you go along.
da ThRONe

@Suzanne

I hope that comment was your April's fool joke!

I think that relationships are dying because are expectations are way to high. We think we're so special that we cant have anything less then blank. Weither that blank is how a person looks or how much they make. IMO we have become to complex for dating(most of us).

I think the problem is we dont really know what a good person is. So we think we're "a good person" when we're really not. I define a good person(dating wise) as somebody who understand the concept of finding joy in giving joy. And how many of us fit into that category? If your in a relationship thinking about what it is a person can do for you you are a bad person(dating wise). I have heard several people (women especially) make comment about not taking care of somebody these are the kinda statements that make you not a good person. Now before anybody goes off know that no good person would want you to take care of them so if your guy or gal just want to a burden on you then there no good either. But it's the willingness that makes you a good person(dating wise).

I think we need to wake up and check ourself. More often then not the biggest part of the problem us. We have this commercial idea of what a good mate is and thats probably not what the case is IRL. I think if a lot of people simplify there criteria they will find more good people then we think. Compatibililty will always be an issue ,but I think we have to much of a knee jerk reaction to every little thing somebody we meet does. Because tolerance is a must in the search for Mr. and Ms. Right some of the things that drive you crazy or some of those very same things that you find yourself missing the most when that person is gone!
Seriously, No Seriously

@ Da Throne.....I so agree...there are soo many ppl who don't know themselves and what actually work for them in terms of what is a "good" man/woman for them! We have this false idea of what society has said what a good man/women is and its not that simple!
Litabia

I believe that there is a lot good men and women out there. The problem is when one is right in your face of in your life then you don't want that per se.
My son's father is a perfect example. I was nothing but good...naw scratch that...I was great to him. He wanted some little hood rat that didn't have and goals or aspirations. He later told me that he ran away a great woman because he didn't (1) think he deserved me (2) know how to appreciate me.

I think we are our own worst enemies and just like da throne said, we check ourself and get out of ourselves way. We have these ridiculous list of what our ideal mate will possess and its unrealistic. Just love people for who they are...there is a perfect match for everyone (I believe). Just wake up and smell the roses.
D

Let's see, being single is all I know. Going on 25 and I've yet to be in a relationship so its obvious I have no clue where the good men for me are. I've done it all, met men at clubs, on the street, online, at the job and being hooked up with a friend of a friend and no luck. Do I think I'll find Mr. Right...not really optimistic. I do believe that there are a lot of good men/women out there and they're everywhere not just in one spot. Its also all in the definition of what you feel a good man/woman is...like the saying "One man's/woman's trash is another's treasure." An undesireable trait to you may be one in my top 10. Everything varies person to person...like a few people already mentioned, finding a good man/woman doesn't mean much if you're not compatible.
paulettebajangal

I am not "looking" or "waiting" for a man...good or bad.But when I do meet men I have no problem saying "no" to someone that I know for sure is not compatible with me.And I have no problem saying "yes" to someone I want to get to know better.

My expectations from men have been unrealistic....not unrealistic for what I need...but unrealistic for the pool of men available to me in New York City.Most are not looking to venture into a long-term relationship...they want to be label-less for months on end...ie they want all the milk but don't want to be the farmer that takes care of the cow.
Naphtalia

I think the good men and women are everywhere. They live decent lives, go to work and then go home. We don't meet them because they don't go out! I am single and just moved to a new city. I've not made yet friends and going out alone is not always appealing. Every once in awhile I'll go out with family to movies, plays, or other events--but at my age (early 32) it's hard to locate ones that are not hooked up with someone. So I'm home most of the time. Arrrrrgh!

Personally, I think "good" is subjective. I think for the most part, we are generally "good" people, we just have bad experiences. What I think is a "good" man may be totally different from what another deems is good. I don't have a string of "bad" men in my past, so it's hard for me to believe there is a good man shortage. I hate long lists of requirements, so I really don't have any. If a man has the balls to approach, then I will definitely give him a chance. You never know what could happen!

@NWSO--I'm with you about the online dating scene. It still seems creepy...
PATRICIADEE

I am 44 years old; never been married nor do I have any children. I have been single most all of my adult life. Yes, I have been in a few "relationships" but nothing serious until now. I met my wonderful man at my girlfriend and her husband's New Year's Eve gathering. It was NOT a set up. Most people at the gathering were couples except he and I and we just happened to start talking to each other.

Before meeting my man, I tried getting set up by friends - bad idea! When that happens, your friends are always in your business and they feel they have to know everything about your relationship. Internet dating - horrible! I was a member of Black People Meet.com but found that it is nothing more than a meat market. Most guys on there are rejects that no one else want. I found that most of them are just looking to screw. They say they want a "serious relationship" but that's a lie.

There are a lot of good men and women out there. Timing is very important. When the time is right, everything will work out the way it's suppose to. Don't give up!
ice

Good questions...
I KNOW where all the good men are. They are right under my nose, sitting on the couch in my crib on any given day of the week, in my past and surely they'll be there in my future. These are my homeboys (though at times a bit mentally challenged, they are good guys, for the most part;) men I've dated, my exes, (just a couple of them), just because we no longer are doesn't mean they weren't good, we just didn't fit together.

I have been single for.....(thinking, counting)....about 4years and going. Even before stepping out into the dating scene I always had this vision of me being with my King (yes, hell of corny) but on the real tip, i envisioned that one, we clicked, we fit, no, everything would not always be peachy keen but he would be a man who was always striving and growing to be the best man that he could be and me, I would be the same, ALWAYS striving and working towards being the best woman I could be....and we would also serve as daily inspiration for one another. A relationship is no easy thang...with that said, as much as I would like to think I am that woman right now...deep down, I know I'm not quite there yet...a work in progress. Don't get me wrong..I'm pretty darn good, but I will be better.

So, back to topic, all that is to say, for me, as I said, I know the good men are out there...I know them and continue to meet them all the time and while they may not be the men for me, I know they are there. I'd also like to think that when I am where and who I am suppose to be...that man, where ever he is (will still probably be right up under my nose) I'll know it.
Mami

I am recently divorce and getting back into the dating arena is very difficult. I also read the Steve Harvey book and agree with everything in the book. I also made a mistake of not practicing the 90 day rule, and just got into a emotional knot. Well, I've learn my lesson really quick and will practice that rule ASAP. I love going out to dance and have been doing the club thing but only to get in good cardio. I am not doing that online thing because of all of the creeps out there. The clubs have either couples or just looking for good time thing. NOT ME!!! I just had this conversation with my BFF about finding a honest, good man. I read so many magazines that suggest places like grocery stores, parks, library, etc.... I do believe that everyone soul mate is out there but we need to stick with our standards. Steve hit it right on the button when he said women have lower their standards. Ladies and Gents lets get back to having standards and genuine courting with each other. We don't have to jump from point A to point B in a quick sec. Let us bring back enjoying each other friendship and stop with all of the bull.
da ThRONe

I have not read or even heard much of anything about Steve Harvey book(other than he wrote one). But I can tell you if you think he speaks for every male your crazy! Be your own person stop letting Oprah or anybody tell you how to do you. I think thats our problem letting others make our decisions for us.
Righteous Mama

I feel you...but DO NOT rule out dating and social networking sites. I'm telling you, I know more people who have connected with really good people that way. (Myself included)

Some of my friends have even married people they "met" online. It takes some practice getting used to it, interacting with folks and sorting through the onslaught of smily faces and friends requests but I think its THE best alternative for folks who find it difficult to find their love match.

I'll share one story. I was on craigslist looking for um lets say writing gigs...and I decided to glance at the personals section. One man's post caught my eye. For one, there was no mention of sex. He simply stated his interests and the type of connection he was looking for. Based on his interests, I felt we had a lot in common so I emailed him and told him he sounded like someone I wouldn't mind getting to know.

Well, one month of interview questions via email and deep phone conversations later we met up for a Sunday lunch and he floored me. I think he's tryna lock it down. I can feel it. But for now, its just cool to sincerely connect.

The thing I'm learning about love is this. You have to be willing to both people as their really are, accept them (or not) and be willing to reveal yourself truly and deeply. When love is sincere, you'll know when it's safe to do so.
Righteous Mama

I meant both people have to be willing to accept each other as they really are. (can we get an edit option on this blog?) just jokes. i'm at work typing too fast...
LL

@Hmmm hmm

Your absolutely right........except in the dark of the night when the thoughts of someone and the passion runs deep.........

After a while.........we want someone, just not sure who.
YoungJay

Im a dude and I think the 90 day rule is actually a good idea, unless your emotionally capable of handling the fact that the other person may not be interested in you beyond the bed.
YoungJay

emotionally incapable* i agree with you blog edit option idea righteous mama lol
Shelly

Wow...this really hits close to home. I wish I knew where all the good men were hiding (it feels like they are hiding). At 38, I've been single extremely too long and feel like that men I'm meeting are all about the "hook-up". Its starting to get really scary that people are so loose with it these days. I find that I'm really craving a good conversation with a man not just a "hook-up". I've tried internet dating, the taboo co-worker, networking events and everything just seems to be a bust these days. Its all becoming too much.
Elle

As cliché (sp?) as it sounds, once you give up looking, you'll find it. That is true for this one sweater you know you have but have no clue where it is hidden in your closet. And it is also true for love.

After my ex had ripped my heart out and danced the frigging Riverdance on it, I made the concious decision to never, ever, everrrrrr allow a man into my life again, let alone my heart. I even went as far as buying a twin bed in order to actively stop me from attempting to break the promise I made to myself. My mind was focused on my life, my personal growth, my goals, simply put: I focused on me, myself and I. And there he was. He so siwftly jumped over the walls I had built around me and none of alarms went off.

Moral of the story: as long as one atom of you is in actuality looking for love (consciously or subconsciously), chances are it won't happen. Why? Murphy's law maybe. Or simply because life's a B*. So at the risk of sounding like your grandmother, love happens when you least expect it.

Oh and PS: To say that there are no good men left is wrong. Just in this blog, there are several from all I can read.
Elle

PPS: Is the person with the heart pillow a chick or a dude? These hands look enormous for a chick, but the eyeliner leads me to believe it's a female.
moonstarz

Dating sucks. The end.
da ThRONe

I think rules of engagement while dating is the dumbest shit in the world. You play it by ear if it feel right you go with it. As a man how can you lose respect for a female because you sexed her. You should love respect for yourself as well!
http://www.twitter.com/duepayer Shawn Lee

LOL @Elle ...
Its just a chick with man hands
http://www.twitter.com/duepayer Shawn Lee

I'd have to agree with YoungJay... 90 days keeps the playaz away. Lawd knows I wouldn't wait that long if I wasn't truly interested in a woman.
DiffNames

"Good" woman and "good" men are all around you, you just have to open your eyes and catch them at the right time or off guard.

Ladies don't get me wrong there are plenty of sleeze buckets out there, I know some of them personally myself, but yall ladies love the slick talk. I swear, used car salesmen must get so much ass cause the shit I hear females be eating up and its sounds exactly the same.

I met a "good" woman recently, but I messed it up. I treated her with total respect and cared about where it went with her, took it slow, etc... Never again I'll tell ya!

I've met chicks that I don't really care too much about and they be loving the kid, but once you act like a good, mature man with some sence you mess the whole thing up. I guess it goes back to the whole bad boy idea.
http://www.goddessesrising.blogspot.com goddessjaz

@da Throne

I'm feeling that! I've always been mad at these "rules" and "playing the game"...just look at the terminology we use. It implies deceit from the jump. Dating/romance/relatinships shouldn't be about playing and games, right? Maybe this is why I'm still single? Oh well.

I'm not saying hop into bed with everyone on the first date but its wack for men to judge women based off old school double standards. What if you end up really liking this person and they suck in bed? Its apparently a good idea to hold off on immediately giving up the goodies (most of the time) but giving things a time limit of 90 days (or whatever) seems contrived and unnatural. More game playing. Make me think of Joan on Girlfriends, lol.

"Good" men and women are out there, often under our noses, but the daily "search" can be very discouraging. I used to be freaked out by online dating but I have friends who have met guys online and are happily married. I've opened my mind because you have to step out of your comfort zone if you want things to change. I've met more interesting folks online when I wasn't trying to find dates or romance, just connecting with cool people. I believe anything is possible.

And I think NYC makes it tougher too. People are here looking to make money and make moves...I think romance ends up somewhere low on the priority list. Too many distractions!
Optical_Illusion

@Da Throne

I read the book because I wanted a little insight. What I've been doing apparently ain't been working for me. However, as I stated everything Steve suggested, I already practice. This is already who I am, so according to him, I should have me one on lock. I don't. The book was quite interesting.

He made an interesting point though about the 90 day rule. I believe in playing it by ear, too, and usually don't put a timeframe on love making. I feel as if you will both know when the time is right. But Steve brought up a few valid ass points:

1. If your job makes you wait 90 days for benefits, why, ladies, are you passing out benefits to men before they've proven themselves worthy?

2.They guy who is dating you to get your benefits will be on his best behavior in the beginning, but eventually he will show his true nature. (Not saying all people change, but most do)

And lastly,

3.Think of how many people you've slept with in less than 90 days. Where is the relationship now?

That last one hit home, cause I'm single than a muthafucka!
Nikki

I don't know where the good man are nowadays. I have tried online dating but that still has not worked. I am an attractive woman, 5'10, sexy, smart, sophisticated, single, with no kids. A man would say that those are pretty good traits but still I am single. I don't know what it is but hopefully one day I will find the right one. I will not give up on Love! True Love.
Ms P

I recently discovered this blog & I LOVE the Grown Folk conversation. As a single 40ish sista I recently decided to give online dating a shot...again. A coworker of mine is about to marry a great man she met online. I also decided to "date like a man" & that is to relax. Date for the sheer enjoyment of enjoying good conversation. After I got out of my comfort zone & put myself out there, I began to date like I was in college! I have met so many types of men that it is ridiculous. Good, bad, smart, silly,etc. I have met brothers that I never would have met on my own. At this time I actually have a couple of good men that I am dating. I am relaxed & taking my time. Pls don't limit yourself. You were given intuition. Follow it. You can tell from a person's conversation aligned with his actions what he is really all about. And you are always in control of YOU! Relax, relate, release. Be open. Let it flow. You will be amazed at how goodness will come to you when you relax & just be. There is truly a lid for every pot!!!
BlacqButtafly

I think people come into contact with a good man or good woman more often than they think they do. The problem is, most of us are looking for a good-man/woman-who also fits the 'ideal' picture we have in our own minds physically, financially, socially, educationally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. We're also looking for that spark, those butterflies, the chemistry....which sometimes doesn't come along until later...like after you really get to know someone. But who has time to really get to know someone these days?! We are of such a give-it-to-me-now mindset that we'd rather settle for the quick meal that satiates us for the moment but leaves its lasting unflattering mark....instead of going slow and steady, letting the ingredients meld together in a way that the meal is tasty, healthy and much longer satisfying......
da ThRONe

@Optical_Illusion

What exactly makes your vagina more valuable then my penis? Sex is something that benefit both of us(Atleast when I puts it down LOL)!

There's this unspoken feeling that so how females are the prize. We all should benefit the same from a relationship. There nothing wrong with waiting if you dont feel comfrontable ,but if you like sex and your just waiting to some how test a person thats silly and you dont need a man you need a shrink!

Sure can you eliminate some of the bigger assholes by making then wait(really you should see through those types anyways) ,but you can also lose a good person by testing them. Relationships are in inexact science and a huge gamble on top of that. If you are afraid to risk your feeling dont play ,but if your in you gotta be willing to get them feeling hurt. And there is no plan that can make it safe.
Elle

Amen!@ da Throne

There are no guarantees in life and to really have fun on this rollercoaster ride called life we have to take risks.

I don't see the point in making somebody wait by force so to speak. Yes, performance varies but - at the end of the day - if you have seen one, you've seen them all. By making somebody wait you put way more emphasize on sex than is healthy for a relationship. It's just sex. Nothing life changing, miraculous or enlightening. Just sweaty, funny noises making, a handful positions changing sex. It's not that serious. Some dudes will wait the 90 days but bounce soon after simply because they have this hugs commitment phobia or some form of relationship ADD.

Don't get me wrong: I am not the type of person to happily hump every guy who graces me with his presence. But making somebody wait in order to filter out the good from the bad? That doesn't work. Men are weird and will always be weird. They sometimes put time and effort into a woman they are not really interested in. I rely on my gut feeling for it has never steered me wrong.
Optical_Illusion

@ Da Throne

It's not really about testing the dude. I don't give people that much control over my life. It's more about having respect for myself and how I'll feel if I keep giving up my body and still don't have love. That's it. It's not really about the man at all because I really don't go for the double standards that society puts on a woman's sexuality, but I do have to take into consideration that if what I've been doing hasn't led me to the one I love, then I MUST try something new. I've never waited ninety days, so I want to try to put this into effect and see if it works for me. If it doesn't I always have the option of just doing whatever I feel. However, I've practiced celibacy in the past ( for 2 years) and it wasn't about the man. It was just something I decided to do. It felt great and when I tell you dudes hauled ass when they saw I wasn't screwing. It hurt at first but then I began to appreciate it.

None of us has the answers. But that's what growth is about, trying new things.

That's the definition of insanity: Continuing to practice the same things and expecting different results.
da ThRONe

@Optical_Illusion

Once again you have every right to wait as long as you want to. What im saying is to wait longer then you want to is a "test"? If its not a test why would you pick a random number? Waiting imply's that you dont trust a man or your own ability to decide when its right to have sex. The worst thing is when you start lying to yourself.

Im all for trying new things. But as a "man of principle" there are certain things that are just wrong and playing games with people or even worst yourself is just wrong on so many levels. An example of trying something new would be to approach a guy when you normally wouldnt. On the flipside what if some female wrote a book telling men not to pay for any dates the first 90 days? That would be a man testing a woman samething that book suggest!

Sweetheart we're all insane!
http://nwso.net NWSO

@ellee

What about the folks that are way beyond college age? Are they supposed to find the "good" men & women on campus still?

Dunno, sounds a lil R. Kelly-ish.

lol
mine jaz

good is definitely objective! i think u can find ur 'good' werever u like to be! i like librarys and partys and amusement parks and the whole outdoors... so if my 'good' cant be found in one of those places i doubted that person is for me. either way i wouldnt suggest tryin to commit wit me anyway my longest relationship was like 2 months....the longest two months ive known!
Nicki

I think the good man or woman maybe right around the corner from us. I have to admit, I used to drive myself wacky looking for that good man to come along. I pretty much found out that "looking" is not the way to go. I have just started to live my life and work on being a "good woman". Hopefully this will work since looking for a good man has failed miserably!
P.Lynn

Speaking from a GOOD WOMAN perspective...I think good one's are wide spread all over the world. Guys a good woman walks past you every day, it's just that guys expectations of a female are either too high or too low so they don't see what they need to they see what they want. Now I must say that I am a one of the good one's, I have my flaws but they are smoothed out by the great things I do for my babe. He looks past them and I appreciate him for that.
But if guys are looking for some good women I say come to Philly, Pa. We got em.
P.Lynn

Also I must say that NWSO must post a blog on Steve Harvey's book bc I'm loving it. So many Truths!
Nonsi

At least you all are talking about finding that good man/woman from a large number of sisters/brothers in the usa.
living in london, you would think that there would be that many to meet and eventually choose from the one who you best get on with...but this isn't the case. thus the large number of interracial relationships. it may work for others, but for me, i want a brother.
somehow, it seems i have managed to meet a brother...but all the way from motherland and that's where he lives. not ideal but you gotta the good with the bad
Nonsi

*gotta take the good with the bad*
Caribeza

Wow, I'm really feeling this topic. I'm trying the online dating thing, but it's not working that well. Everybody wants to jump in the sack as soon as possible. And to be honest, that scares the shit out of me. It's like for every 40 plus ads you go thru there may be 1 potential good guy, those odds suck. And then you go out with guys who don't have the patience to understand where you're coming from because as much as they preach "I want a relationship", they want sex now, and if you don't give it to them, someone else will.

NWSO you really should promote a singles party . You have all sorts of cool people following your blog.

It's not really a test to wait until having sex, even if you want to jump their bones the first time you meet. But in this day of AIDs, herpes, and all sorts of shit that wont even kill you but will plague you for the rest of your freaking life, why take a chance. I mean yes, condoms make sex safer but they dont eliminate the possibility of getting an STI, they only reduce it. This article on how well condoms protect is scary... http://www.medinstitute.org/public/92.cfm .. In some cases condoms reduce your chances for STIs by only a half.

When you know a person for only a couple days or a couple weeks, you have no idea what they did 3 months ago because face it we lie, and we lie to ourselves as well... I see ads on Craigs list all the time where guys and girls offer to have sex with anyone, have oral sex or anal sex anywhere, and I'm like "WTF!!" How do you know which of these people decided to change their lives last week and are now trying to get with you, and are carrying god knows what.

And then I think for a girl who's looking to be something more than a jump-off, if you have sex with a guy early and he goes soon after, or even he sticks around but it feels like a booty call .. it causes people to get hard on the outside, and it kills something in you. Waiting allows you to understand where a person is coming from, and allows them to understand where you're coming from by viewing actions, not words. I mean we all know that what we say isn't quite what we mean... it's shaded by our hurts, our insecurities, our vanities.

It takes time to know ppl, and sex too fast allows for even more misunderstanding even between the good men and the good women.

At this point, I'm frequenting the bookstores in my quest to find my good guy. God help us all.
Caribeza

hmm sorry for getting carried away /blush
http://www.nubiamag.com Cari

It's about setting standards for the person you are dating. Through standards you learn what you want from a potential person/relationship. So yes, I have been single for a while because I won't settle and lower my standards. I give what I get and I try to meet the same level of expectations that I set for those I am involved with.
http://kayacamilla.com kayacamilla

Love can really drive us crazy if you keep looking for Mr or Ms Perfect. As for me, what everyone should look for is a kind of partner, that both of you would absolutely click. I mean, let's face it, there's no such thing as perfect person, everyone has its own flaws that could be so imperfect for you. But if you manage to find his or her imperfections lovely, and that's it, you guys can be real great partners.
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Shannon

I don't think there is such a thing as a good men. Good men don't exist. They don't want to settle down; even the thought makes them piss their pants like the little boys they are. They don't want to get to know you and the only date they want is the date they're getting laid.

All men care about is sex. I get so tired of meeting men who only see me as something to sleep with. I get tired of meeting men who only want to talk about sex, always wanting me to degrade myself for them and then getting mad when I won't do it. I get tired of men who think marriage is BS and think I'm supposed to open my legs for them and give them control over my body, if not my life altogether. Sex, sex, sex. I'm so sick of it.

I read Steve Harvey's book. I read one of Dr. Phil's books, too; I don't care what they say, men do only want sex, they are afraid of commitment, they are selfish, they always want to be in control, and they are childish and inconsiderate. I also don't agree with changing and rearranging myself for a man who isn't even worth it. If a man wants me, he can get off his ass and talk to me; if he can't, then too bad. I'm not about to play some BS games with a man; this is who I am, so take it or leave it.

All those BS books say a man will respect you if you wait to have sex. They say the longer you wait to have sex, the more a man will want you. THAT IS NOT TRUE! A man will walk away from you and to a woman who will have sex with him and curse you out on the way to the door. Men don't respect my decision to wait for marriage and all I get is rejection. I don't get respect. I'm tired of men and their BS and their obsession with sex and always having to have their way. I wish all men would just jump into a live volcano and make the world a much better place because they make life so difficult for women and as a whole. Men lie, cheat, scheme and deceive, play with a woman's heart, mess with her feelings and toy with her emotions and then have the nerve to act like it's no big deal and then they stand there wondering why their house or car is trashed or burned or why they've been shot or stabbed and beat almost to death. Women are getting tired of men and their BS and men need to take notice.

I have no patience for BS. I will give a man a chance, I just won't give them a pass. DO ANYTHING I DON'T LIKE AND HE WILL BE SENT PACKING. They don't get a second chance in my book. These books tell you to go to the gym, take care of your appearance, go out more, like you haven't thought of that already or like that's new, but doing all of that doesn't guarantee you'll meet anyone. I don't have to dress sexy to get a man's attention, but I don't want that kind of attention and I usually pepperspray men who come at me like that. I'm not having it. I'm no doormat and I demand respect; if men can't, don't or won't respect me, then they better make a quick exit, because I don't have time to play with them anymore. I can live with being single; I think I might be happier and more stress free if I did.
Just Sayin

I am single. Never been in a relationship. I am 20 and I am in no rush in finding Mr. Right ('Mr. Right' is so objective btw). Right now my main focus is bettering myself and getting to know myself more. Being true to myself so i can then be true to others. Going to school and working on my career. The time we set out to finding him/her is the time we can take to getting to know ourselves more. That person will come along eventually. No person is meant to be alone. Some people however are 2 stubborn to admit that.
-Just Sayin'
NRpeace

AMEN Shannon!!! and yes i know they're good men out there but the majority is as Shannon has described. In my opinion, this is what happened. Women, by nature, were virtuous...but aftr years and years and decades of men "diggin' and pullin' at our panties..we finally gave in. We let go of our morales.Today's day and time is a man's paradise. All the non-commited ass that a man can handle/want. No one evn dates anymore and 95% of men...evn "educated/employed/church goin men..will ask you a sexual question VERY soon aftr meeting...totally disgusting. Face it, times have changed and they're not many of us who will have the opportunuty to say "We've been married-20-30-40+ years"
Be understanding & kind

I think that if you're a good person then you'll be able to find another good person. I'm not saying I think it will be easy - I think there will always be difficulties along the way - but as long as you never let a bad relationship change you into a hateful or vengeful person then I think you'll be able to find someone good.

I found the person I love completely by accident. I wasn't even looking to be in a relationship then. I met him when I was spending Thanksgiving with my friends family (he's my friend's brother). I'd always thought stories like "Beauty and the Beast" where sort of funny because I didn't know how you could fall in love with someone's mind. And I never thought I would feel the way I feel about him now, but over a period of months, as I learned about more about him, I found that I truly loved him. He's kind, understanding, & doesn't get angry about things that don't matter - qualities that I always try have in myself (though I'm not nearly as good at them as he is). We have disagreements, but we never argue with each other - we simply accept that we look at some matters differently.

I think the success of a relationship depends on how understanding you can be of the person you're in a relationship with. Don't expect them to be to able to hand you the sun or to exactly what you want them to be. Expect them to be themselves and make mistakes sometimes, just like you will yourself. If you can be understanding of them, then it will be easier for them to be understanding of you.
googlesucksdonkeydick

I had no interest in romance or relationships...until something fairy tale like or at least an annoying romantic drama or comedy happened to me...so now I'm a believer. Yes problems are far from fairy tale, but the way this happened just seemed to good to be true.
Anonymous

where are all the good women today for us straight men? the women out there today have become very nasty, and have a very bad attitude as well. meeting women for me is very hard because, when i try to start a conversation with the one i would like to talk to they will tell me to go away and don't bother me. most of the women now are lesbians, and obviously will just go with women. i certainly can't blame myself for the garbage that they now have become. since i am alone and single, i would like very much to meet one that is normal. even the straight ones are very nasty now, what is up with that. i never realized how many rotten women that are out there now. as you can see, i have a very bad attitude about women since i was hurt by the two that i was married to at the time. they turned out to be filthy whores, since they both did cheat on me. i never cheated on them, and i was very committed to them at the time and i was a very good husband as well. if i knew that they were whores in the first place, i obviously would have never married them. as you can see, i meet all the women that are losers. there are not any good ones left anymore. years ago, women had much more class and were a lot easier to meet back then. times were certainly different, back then. where are the decent straight ones today?

Thagoddess9

I too am surprised at the increasing frequency of the existence of low-down dirty women these days. I hope you can heal from your hurt, and most of all, learn to spot the traits that you DON'T want before you get invested. Please note, the key words in your post are I meet all the women that are losers. What is your criteria for deciding to approach a woman? Are you observing her body language? Her facial expressions? Before you approach? And try to step out of your comfort zone with the appearances that attract you. (just a suggestion. I could be off base.)

Lastly, if you are still seething with anger, hurt, and suspicion, that is what you will attract (people who mirror that in themselves/behavior.) Work on healing, forgiving, and learning from a bad choice or choices so you can attract someone that is good for you and to you or you may keep running into the women that are...angry, etc.

Best of luck.

Frankop

thanks very much for your advice.

Frankop

where are the good women today for us straight men? i go out a lot and seem to meet all the very nasty women with their no good attitude. they have certainly changed over the years, and for the worse. why is that? i did not do anything wrong on my part, and the way that i look at it women do not want to meet men anymore. there are many of them that are lesbians now, and that definitely adds to the problem for meeting the good women.
so very true

where are the straight women today for us straight men? i seem to meet the nastiest women, with their no good attitude now. why are they like this? there are so many lesbians out there today, especially where i live now. just saying.

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