How Long Should a Woman Wait For a Ring?

1 Posted by - April 21, 2009 - Uncategorized

groom-cold-feet

Dear NWSO,

I’m currently in a seven-year relationship with the father of my two kids. We have lived under the same roof for the last five years; we have a 4-year-old daughter and a 3-month old son. My issue is why hasn’t this man asked me to marry him yet? When I ask what the deal is, his only response is “what’s the rush?” I know you’re probably thinking I must be taking care of this man financially, but that is not the case. He has actually put me through nursing school and he has no problem paying his share of the bills. He’s a really good father and provider but I don’t understand what the hold up is. Do you think that women set themselves up for failure the second they have sex with a man before marriage? Do you think that no man is going to settle down with a woman that has done everything a wife would do without the commitment? Thanks for taking the time to read this; I would love to hear your thoughts and what your readers think as well.

Dear Patient Patty,

To answer your first question, I don’t think women set themselves up for failure by having sex with a man before marriage. If that were the case then a lot of women would never get married. It’s 2009, there are plenty of brides that have done the do with their boo before saying I do. Everyone has his or her own take on sex before marriage. Myself for instance, I’d probably try to do the born again virgin thing with my future fiancée and hold off on sex for a few months before the wedding so the actual honeymoon night will be more special. Not to knock any traditionalist or old school thinkers, but the whole no sex before marriage thing just isn’t for me. God forbid we’re not sexually compatible and now we’re stuck together for the rest of our lives. Although sex isn’t the foundation of a good marriage it is an important part, and I think we all fear being in a sexless relationship.

Now as for your second question about men not settling down with women that play the role of a wife with no commitment, I say that you can’t make a blanket statement for every man regarding marriage (or anything really) because we’re all different individuals. For some the answer may be yes, but for others it will be no. In regards to your situation, though, the only question you should be concerned with is this: Are you happy with this man? If yes, then focus on that and continue to be happy. If the answer is no, then you have to reevaluate some things. For instance, if he did propose to you would you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that doesn’t make you happy? My point is this: a ring or wedding won’t magically make a bad relationship better. So would you prefer being unwed and happy or married and miserable?

As for why your man hasn’t popped the question, there could be a myriad of reasons. Fear of commitment—we’re all guilty of that at some point. He could just be happy the way things are and sees no real rush to change things up. Sure, you can argue that y’all are doing everything a husband and wife do already so what’s the big deal about making it official? You’re probably right about that, but men traditionally aren’t raised with weddings being the end all, be all of a relationship the same way women are. Girls grow up playing house, while boys play war. Maybe marriage isn’t important to him. Were his parents married or divorce? Has he seen marriages fail? How many of your friends are married? How old are y’all? Have you spoken to him about any of these possible relationship roadblocks and seen where his head is at regarding the whole institution of marriage? Everyone has there own baggage, fears and timeframe when it comes to marriage. You may have always aspired to be hitched by a certain age, while he’s probably like the average man and wedding bells happen when they happen. Go beyond just asking him about when he’s going to marry you, and delve into how he feels/views marriage.

Based on your description, it sounds like you have a good man and y’all appear to have a good thing going. The last thing you want to do is become a nag. Call me stubborn but I don’t respond well to nagging. I like to feel like I made the decision and someone didn’t box me into one—especially something as important and long-term as marriage. Think about it: do you want a man to submit or commit to you? There’s a very big difference. Now that doesn’t mean you should wait around forever for a wedding that’ll never come, but if y’all are truly happy in your space I say focus on that and hopefully he’ll reach the point where he’s ready to take you down the aisle. But ring or not, the moment you feel as if you’re no longer happy or the non-proposal is a serious issue for you then it may just be time for y’all to part. Good luck.

Patient Patty also wanted to hear from you guys/gals, so what do you think of her situation? Is her man just stringing her along? Do you think he’ll ever pop the question or he’s just too comfortable with the way things are? Should she give him an ultimatum? Should she flip the script and propose to him? What’s more important, your current happiness or the lifelong commitment of a ring? How long would you wait for someone to propose?

Speak your piece…

woman_proposing_man

  • da ThRONe

    She should wait as long as it take. I have aways felt the act of marriage is overrated. If they together and everything is fine whats the problem?

  • AmandaHustlerwitapen

    I think this situation really depends on the person. For instance my father and his girlfriend have been together for more than nine years and my father has no plans of marrying her. But she doesn’t seem to have a problem with that, but again that’s her. Me personally I couldn’t see myself staying with someone that long without a sound commitment.

    I think that at the end of the day you have to evaluate yourself and the situation that you are in. And if you honestly can see yourself staying without a problem then marriage should not matter.

  • dime_diva_dee26

    You gave her the right advice. U really can’t force ppl to do nething n life, so u gota do u for u! If being married is so important, then y not do what’s important 2 U? Then again if its just a piece of paper then who needs it? That’s the thing bout “now days” traditions, morals, and self love seem to have faded.

  • Righteous Mama

    “Go beyond just asking him about when he’s going to marry you, and delve into how he feels/views marriage.”

    EXCELLENT advice!

    Pop the question to him? Uh, no.

    Give him an ultimatum? Def no!

    Wait it out! Not so sure about that either.

    I feel you NWSO on the whole if you’re happy don’t force the issue point but if marriage is important to this woman I think she needs to express that and not settle.

    Goodness, there are children involved too which really makes it super complicated. If marriage is what a woman wants, it’s best not to have children until a man pops the question. I think sometimes women think well I’m pregnant so he’ll marry me. Before you know it, the kids are 5 and 7 and you still don’t have a ring.

    If I were her, I’d probably just go with the flow. But I’d also make sure I had my own personal finances in order. If it doesn’t work out, she should be prepared for that. But I’d find ways to let him know that I was thinking the future of the family and talk about decisions we should be making together like saving money for college and a home. See what his reaction is to that.

    I did that and when I realized my “partner” and I didn’t want the same things, that he was totally absorbed in himself, I walked. But then again, we weren’t exactly happy with the relationship as it was anyway so walking was the common sense thing to do.

    But yes, I think he probably is stringing her along. If he loves her and doesn’t want to lose her, when she expresses how important this is to her, hopefully he’ll give her what she wants and deserves. That’s a tough one right there!

    NWSO, do you think some men don’t pop the question because a woman hasn’t proven she has certain “characteristics” of a wife? I’ve heard men say that in conversations before. Maybe he thinks she’s not ready? I mean if a woman is still hanging out in the club wit her girls that might not look to good. Nah mean?

  • da ThRONe

    I will agree if you have created this whole life with a person meaning the kids and cohabiting why not just get married your already there everywhere but the title. But I guess some people fear ruining a good thing by getting married I guess. I have heard some horror stories about people changing after the wedding. Some dudes need to understand that most females fear being left like most guys fear them changing.

    This is the product from a lack of communication! You should make your plans know as soon as possible. You need to let a dude know you wanna be married the minute you think you have the one. If he agrees and then drags you along then you know its all on him and you can bounce before the kids and too much time gets invested.

    I dont remember any rules that says a female cant purpose. If its that important to her and hes dragging his feet why the hell not?

  • EmotionalFunk

    Nah she not getting married at least not to this guy. If he wanted to marry you then he would have. Also thats super gravy he put you through nursing school but how else could he make sure you can provide for your kids.
    I say this you really only got two real options: one, shut up and don’t bring up marriage again and just stay pleasant and raise your kids in a stable two parent home or two complain and get left and support your kids on your own. Don’t have another kid with this dude either ’cause that not gonna get ‘em. Hell, your cutting your own veins here. That’s all you really got

  • Elle

    Tough cookie. But I think you gave her the right advice.

    Personally though, that’s a scenario I wouldn’t allow to happen. I want to get married. Period. And unless my last name changed, I stay on birth control. I was raised by a single mom and as great of a job she did I do not want to set myself up like that. Yes, marriages fail and I could still become a single mom one day. Yet and still, I at least want to try to do it “the right way” – in hopes of it actually being right.

    What’s the rush? After 7 years?!?!?! Seriously? If a man said something like that to me I’d feel mocked. I’m sorry. And once I feel mocked, I’m out. Again, I’m taking it away from the case at hand because there are kids involved.

    But generally speaking, I do not want to spend my life with someone who is commitment phobic. Therefore, if somebody proclaims never to want to get married, that person is not for me. It doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine. So if after 2 years he doesn’t think he’d want to grow old and wrinkly with me, I will refuse to waste my time with him. I will never again live under the same roof with a man, cook his meals, do his laundry, be there for him in times of need, share my all with him for him to be able to just up and bounce when he sees fit without any kind of legal consequences. Because let’s face it, there are legal differences between shacking up and marriage. This may sound bitter to you and I guess to an extend I am when this topic is concerned. So yea, no marriage, no Elle.

    I’m too old to play house.

  • da ThRONe

    1 more comment before I call it a night. When has comfront and/or complacency become a “bad” word? What is wrong with being happy with what you have even if to other people it might not seem like much. Correct me if Im wrong but isnt that the point of being successful to acheive happiness? If your happy with things the way they are why tamper with them just to fit into a box other people think you should be in? Its the people who are never satisfied that are never satisfied! Thank about it. Marriage doesnt guarantee he wont just up and bounce it happen all the time. Marriage only make the break ups more complex. Trust me I have seen so many women here say “Im not going do wifey type stuff without a commitment” but whats the point when he can still leave away. So ok your husband leaves you how is that better than your boyfriend of 7years leaving you? Does it hurt your feeling any less if ya’ll are married when he decides to? If ya’ll have a house in both your name your both responsible married or not. The only thing that you might get married as opposed to not being married is alimony and im sure most couples make around the same amount so you might not get that.

    So ladies what is it about marriage that gives you this false sense of confidence that once the paper is signed its forever? And that being divorced is some how better than being broken up?

    I end up saying this everytime we talk about this issue. There are no guarantee period the only thing you can do is be the best S.O. you can be everyday and put in your half of the relationship.

  • July

    Maybe I am naive but I believe when a man wants to marry you and be with you it will not take 7years for him to figure that out, not to be a pessimist but if marriage is what she wants I reckon its never gonna happen unless she twists his arm and in that case it will not be a marriage based on the right foundation so its either she fully accept the situation as it is or face the next couple more years hes gonna take to ‘decide’ unhappy and nagging the hell out of him. I feel as women going into a relationship once it looks like its going somewhere we need to sit down with our partners and see whether we have the same desires, dreams and goals as our S.O’s. Better to deal with these issues before so we know what we are getting ourselves into and make appropriate decisions instead of going into panic mode after the fact.

  • Just-a-black-girl!

    I got a call last week from an old time school friend..we’ve been friends since we were 5. Anyhoo she announces to me that she is engaged…I was a little confused by this. The reason is because she has been in a relationship for 16 years…yes 16!! They have two children together and the oldest is going to be 12!!!

    I can kind of see what happened with the two of them…they moved in together when they were in their teens. They have their first child a few years later. Neither one of them considered marrige, neither one of them considered leaving the relationship either. Years later they have their second child…they are nearing 10 yrs of being together…now they are at the stage where their friends are settling down and getting married. They are nearing 15 years together and the pressure is on and it has been for the last 5-8 years, so they say what the heck…we aint going nowhere so we might as well do it!!!

    The thing that I had a giggle about later is the fact that the engagement is going to be something like 3 years…*insert shocked face* I mean why wait a further 3 years…but I guess 3 years makes no difference when they’ve been together for over 16…

    Each to their own I guess

  • distinguishedgentlewoman

    @ NWSO:

    I agree 100% with your advice.

    No one should be forced or nagged into marriage. If and when they wed is a decision that both parties should decide on together.

  • irish_mami8

    Patty should read Steve Harvey’s book. There’s a whole chapter about that. And I agree with him. Why would a man think he has to marry you when you haven’t required it before. I’m not saying that you have to force him to do anything, but you may have to decide between being with him and not being married or moving on so you can find someone willing to marry you. You have to decide how important marriage is. Would you rather your children live in the same house as their father, even if he won’t give you a ring? You have to decide what you want and how badly you want it. Nothing’s perfect, so sometimes you have to compromise. I’m not saying give up on the idea of marriage, but the compromise may be giving up on the idea of being married to him. It’s not forcing a man’s hand to tell him that he has to choose between being unmarried and having you. He still gets to make that choice. But you don’t have to sacrifice yourself and your needs. Stand up for yourself, girl. Women won’t get anywhere by lowering their standards of what’s acceptable. In a relationship, both people must sometimes give things up for the greater good. I’m sure you’ve given him a lot. Maybe it’s time for him to suck it up and man up.

  • wanza…a gal from Kenya

    Patient Patty,

    If you asked me, l would rather he married you.But given the circumstances, don’t push him.If he is a good Father and provider, why the rush.This is a man who has said he loves you in more ways than one…the nursing school for example.

    If this is so important to you, discuss it with him in a setting where he doesn’t feel like he has his back to the wall.Let him know what you want and why without you setting any ultimatums.If anyone feels safe,they open themselves to other ideas.But if you set ultimatums,this good provider and father will run the opposite direction.

    Gal,you have my best wishes on this one.

    Wanza

  • Elle

    @da Throne .. good morning suga. I hope u slept well :-) *waves*

    The ring on my finger does not really give me a sense of security. A man can still leave me any day he pleases … unless I keep him locked up in the basement … j/k.

    A marriage is a different ballgame in the eyes of the law, at least where I live. Should one of us end up in the hospital, the other person won’t get any kind of info unless we are married. Should I have children with a man I am not married to, he has no control over what happens with them in case I die. If he dies and his family never liked me, they get all of his property for me to potentially end up having to move out of a joined home or pay them their half. You get the idea.

    I’m not building up a life with a man that can easily be taken away from me – willingly or by accident. That’s reason one.

    Reason two, which to me is the more important one, is the fact that I feel as though a man who asks me to marry him is in it for the long haul and not just a good time. Nobody can predict what the future may bring. But at least he loves me enough to picture his life with me in it. He loves me enough to find the courage to get on his knee and pop the probably hardest question out there to me.

    I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but me.

  • amelda

    My knee-jerk reaction to this is “he don’t wanna marry her.” But a woman in my office just got married after 9 years of dating. Some good friends of my parents got married after about 13 years of dating. Sometimes it just takes awhile. I hope the scenario works out in her favor.

    Patty’s allowed herself to get into a sticky situation and while i do agree that she deserves happiness, I think the kids take precedence on this one. I wouldn’t break up the home because I now want something that I clearly didn’t in the beginning.

    Good advice on suggesting she probe the reasons he doesn’t want to marry. That’s a good place to start.

  • Simoneis2good4u

    @ Elle – you pretty much summed it up. Da Throne posed the question of the difference between being married and not – I believe that if a man wants me to be his wife, he is asking me to be there with him for the long haul – you know, through thick and thin. That he loves me and respects me a lot.
    Personally – I am afraid of marriage to an extent where I do not want to make the wrong choice in my mate. I have been asked by two people in the past, maybe 3 and my answer was “no”. I didn’t think that they were the ones for me for the long haul. I don’t want a divorce and I don’t want to end up hating my husband. I have to be sure.
    @ Patty – When I lived with the father of my children had he asked me within those first 6-7 yrs I would of said yes. The last year when my eyes were open, I said “Hell No”. You have to make sure that you are not marrying him just because he is the father of your children – if so, you may never be happy. Make sure that your eyes are open and if there are any BS around pay attention to it. Make sure that you love him and are willing to be there for him through that thick or thin. If he were bedridden, are you willing to take care of him and still be true to your vows, even if it means he’ll be like that for the rest of his life – MAKE SURE. Then like NWSO said – sit down and talk to that man and find out his views on marraige. It’s going to put him on the hot seat and men don’t like that, but ask because you need to know. You need to know how he feels for you and how he sees you his eyes. Then you and only you will have to determine if marriage will come around or if you are being led on a string.

  • Miss G

    You say that if the relationship is good, she should just sit back and be happy rather than married and miserable. Why assume a chance of misery if they got hitched?? That was irresponsible of you. Nowhere in her letter did she indicate she was unhappy with the overall relationship; if anything, it sounds like things are going well in every way, but one: his reluctance to commit. Men being afraid of marriage and playing war when they were kids has nothing to do with his current responsibility. He HAS children with her. They live together. Oh yeah, and he’s not a boy anymore!! He should quit playing war, grow up and legitimize the realtionship by law.
    What men don’t realize is that women have commitment fears of a different sort: being good and faithful to a man who may very well pick up and leave. Do we stay good and faithful when another man would do better- even with kids involved? Cuz they do exist. Men are afraid of marriage, why? Because they’ll only be with one woman for the rest of their lives (forget adulterers for now) and women are afraid, especially in this society, that they’ll never be enough. His reluctance is hurting their relationship in that she wonders if he wants her. So is that constant torture being good to her? I doubt anyone with a conscience would say that he’s right in this situation.

    My advice: tell him your thoughts and feelings in a reasonable way. Not emotional or nagging, but in a calm, factual, reasonable way. Many relationships fail or are made stronger with a partner pushing for more. Hopefully, he sees how immature it is to be live his life by his fears and gets it together. If not, he maybe-just maybe- not be ready to commit because he doesn’t want to be “tied down” by one woman just yet. You decide what’s best for you: settle for his needs- as you’ve done for 7 frikkin years- or move on. Give it real thought and time and judge for yourself what’s best for you.

    Women always sacrifice their needs for men and the stupid issues, Ans. What you all don’t realize is women have them too. Any woman waiting more than 5 yrs for marriage, esp when kids are involved, will become unhappy and resentful towards the man she once loved. The relationship will end beacuse of that. And that won’t be her fault. It’ll be his.

  • DivineDCdiva

    I would have to agree with you and she shouldn’t nag him on the subject and delve deeper 2 see whats really going on. Along with that she needs 2 examin her feelings is the ring that imporatant to her has she told him how imporatant marriage and commitment are to her? Personally i wouldn’t wait indefinately for the ring if its that important to you but i also wouldn’t be to quick to throw “a good man” back out there n the general population.

  • D

    I agree with Miss G. Things may be going well in their relationship but obviously she’s not 100% percent happy with where they are because she would have never wrote the letter. There is nothing wrong with her wanting a ring from this man and despite what people say there is a huge difference and importance in marriage. Yes someone can walk away the same as they could in a relationship but the significance of making the commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone no matter what is a very serious step and in some way proves unconditional love for that person and that you truly believe they are your other half. I think marriage is a concept some take too lightly and some don’t take serious enough.

    As for Patty, I do agree that this is a conversation you should present to him if you haven’t already. This is obviously something that you want or have a concern about and the lines of communication need to be open. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed, and he is never going to know how you’re feeling if you don’t tell him.

  • Tee

    This one is really complicated since they live together and have children and they’ve invested significant time and money in this relationship.

    However, as my father told me when I was living with someone — why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

    The thing is, we teach people how to treat us. And if as women we allow ourselves to be 15 years, five kids and one apartment down the road with someone without being married to that person — then we have taught them that we are fine with the way things are.
    When in fact, we aren’t.

    Marriage is not the solution to every relationship and in no way leads to happily ever after. There is no such thing. Some relationships prepare you and teach you how to think, act, behave and love in another relationship that may be better for you. People come into our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime.

    Nagging is never the answer. Neither is giving in and being resentful later. And waiting until he comes around, is not going to work either. They both need to communicate their thoughts about marriage and what the bond means or doesn’t mean to them. Honestly, many of us don’t have our parents as marital examples, so we end up having issues.

    As one friend of mine told me, I don’t want to marry her because she may not be the “one.” Mind you, he has 5 kids with this woman and they live together. Maybe she wouldn’t have had 5 kids, with him if she knew that he didn’t consider her to be the one.

    When you have children, you show your children (if when you don’t realize it) how to treat the opposite sex. So when our sons and daughters see us having 12 kids with a person (or different people) we send the message that THIS IS OKAY BECAUSE MOMMY AND DADDY DID IT. We silently say that marriage is not important. That commitment is valued.

    This woman has to decide what is most important to her. Is it holding on to her happy, loving family as is–even if this is the one thing that her man hasn’t provided? Or is it walking away? i.e. rolling the dice and finding someone whose stance on marriage is iffy too.

  • da ThRONe

    @All Ladies

    Please stop making references to Steve Harvey’s book he does not speak for real men period!

    @Elle(morning sweetie)

    You can lock me in your basement any day! ;) LOL

    Where I live you can be entitled to most/all of those things without getting married. We have common law marriages meaning if you live together long enough you have all the rights of a wife(didnt know if you knew)? But that does make a lot more sense in your case. But even without common law theres joint accounts ,both persons can have there name on a property ,and he can make you his benefactor! So marriage is mostly about tradition in the states.

    My questions is if shes happy whats the problem? Too many times we wanna fix things that isnt broke and we end up messing up a good thing. If hes a good man ,father ,and provider what more can you ask for? I hate to come off as rude ,but damn shes being greedy. I understand there’s a difference in in philosophy but you know how many people just want that stabilty in there lifes? I dont know about anybody else I would kill to have a girl who gives me everything I needed and Im looking forward to getting or was looking forward anyways.

  • VirgoVida

    This happens way too much! First of all, Patty-Cakes should’ve discussed this dude’s view on marriage early on in the relationship, point blank period. You can fall in love with anybody, that doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to stick a pole in the ground, make a hut, and have kids in it! lol. It’s not that simple.
    He may have some issues with marriage, she should check and find out. But IMO, if he doesn’t have any issues, something in the back of his mind is telling him that she is not wife material.
    My bff was with a guy for about 7 years. They lived in her mother’s house for about 3 years. Then moved out and got their own place for about a year or two. Then wound up back at her mother’s house. Through all of this, they had 2 children. He eventually found out that she cheated off and on, didn’t know how to handle her money, and lied whenever she felt like it. They’re not together now, but did she change after 7 years, or did he just deny that she wasn’t marriage material because he was in love and she was the mother of his children?
    People usually aren’t happy, they’re in denial about their mates! Too caught up in having someone, to see that they are not “the one”.
    Why should I commit to taking care of you, and your kids, and the household, when you won’t commit to me?
    Elle kept it real… I’m too old to play house!

  • LadyPac

    I am not buying the fear of commitment exuse, sorry. He is scared of a piece of paper, however much it means to her, yet he WASN’T SCARED OF COMMITMENT WHEN HE GOT HER PREGNANT?! Oh please, is there really bigger a commitment than having a child? He was cool with that – twice. He wasn’t fearful enough to wear a condom? I know, I know, accidents happen every now and then. Let’s just say that it’s highly unlikely when both parties involved do their part.
    Bottom line is, if he isn’t commitment-phobic enough to have two children with the same woman and stay with her for seven years, he might wanna just accept – without over-analyzing it and trying to find some “reasonable” explanation as to WHY – that it’s important to her. I believe that getting engaged and setting an approximate wedding date, however far it is in time from now, would make her feel more relaxed, and therefore easier for her to just “be happy.”

    (Sorry about any typo. I’m on my phone.)

  • http://melhopkins.info Mel

    @da throne – thank you for SH comment …

    My comment to this woman:

    As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

  • da ThRONe

    @Ladies

    How much of her wanting to get married is based on her lack of happiness verus how much of it is based on an idea that she most be married? No where in her comment did I get the idea that she dislikes him out side of the matrimony thing or lack there off. She said and I quote ” My issue is why hasn’t this man asked me to marry him yet?” If this is her only issue then yes she need to let that shit go. Under some state laws 5 years is enough for common law most states I believe its 7 years.

    I hate to say it sometimes you need to settle to be happy. We just have these cliche idea that arent alway whats best for us “Never settle” or “Dont become complacent” why the hell not? I have a cliche that should be used more often “Ignorance is bliss” I dont know bout ya’ll but I like bliss! Sometimes I would much rather be ignorant and happy as opposed to enlighten and miserable yeah i said it! LOL

  • http://www.somethinglikebeautiful.wordpress.com Something Like Beautiful

    Sigh.

    She is not wrong for wanting marriage. Now, I question her timing but I don’t think she’s wrong for wanting to get married.

    I agree completely with LadyPac. He is already committed. He has two kids, a household, bills, and responsibilities. Now he should step up and make sure the family that he created would be provided for in the event of either his or her demise.

  • **M**

    He just maybe comfortable in his situation and thats probably why he hasnt popped the question yet. As far as a woman proposing to a man I would think that she is pressed or even if so he may get itimadated and back off. I have a family member whos in a similar situation where they only been involved with the other person for a lil while not long though maybe 2 years give or take and she asked him to marry her because she wanted to be hitched before a certain age and now hes trying to get out of the situation because he feels as though hes been married already and not ready to do it again. I dont know I cant speak for males but I can speak on what I ve seen.
    So my advice is just wait and see never press the issue because then it will never get accomplished and if it did it wouldnt be the best thing.

  • da ThRONe

    @Mel

    Im sorry I dont know whats “SH Comment” means

  • Ameretta

    @NWSO

    nice advice..

    I agree with you flip the script ask him to marry. If this is what you really want.

    But what is the difference??? Other than the state reconignizes that you are a married, that you are one…….you still get common law advantages.

    It sounds like he is comfortable, and he must already feel like a married man. In his mind “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?” He may not find anything wrong with your arrangement.

  • da ThRONe

    For the record I think people should force the issue but it comes down to timing. You make your case early as not to find yourself in these situation. If she said before “Hey baby what is your ultimate goal for this relationship” she would know where he stood before the 7 years relationship and two kids. If you run a man off because your not nagging but being honest about what it is you want then I seriously doubt it was meant to be in the 1st place.

    IMO she missed her chance to force things. Its not just about her and what she wants anymore that shipped sailed. So now she needs to be happy with what she has(because really there is nothing wrong with it) and express herself when the opportunity persents itself!

  • http://twitter.com/mbrowntheremix Mike Brown the REMIX

    NWSO, you hit the nail on the head with this one.

  • July

    @ The men

    One thing I do not get about men is the fact that you use the excuse that we live together, have kids together (or whatever the case may be), so that should mean committment and a paper shouldn’t determine that.

    If its just a peice of paper and the so-called committment is there then whats so wrong with getting married, where does the fear come from then ‘if its just a peice of paper’. Why does it always have to be the female who has to compromise in the “peice of paper” battle?

  • Soulyn

    Well said LadyPac.

    This is tough. This should have been discussed by Patty and her S.O waaayyyy before 7 years came around. Now that children are in the picture Patty may have a tough dicision to make if things don’t work out in her favor.

    If it were me, I wouldn’t have children in the first place(before marriage) and therefore leaving him would be easier.

    Patty has to do what’s best for her and their children. If she values marriage, which I’m sure she does, then she already knows the answer.

  • Marcrooseler

    Whatever happened to mutuality? Why don’t she just have a talk, why is she on here instead of talking to this man she wants to marry. I mean he did put her through school and is father to their child.

    Stringing her along I feel is such an inflammatory question. Let’s see, provider, put her through school. So all that’s left for HER is marriage. What does he want? Is it always about her?

    A friend of mine put it best when he said “men are only in relationships to provide a service at