Should Women Ask Men Out? (Fear of Rejection)
I was reading my homegirl Belle’s blog yesterday and she did a post about some guy that approached one of her readers on the train… Actually, the guy didn’t really approach the woman in the general sense of kicking game, basically he just scribbled down his number along with an illegible message filled with typos and bad grammar on a piece of paper and passed to her before she got off the train. It reminded me of THIS time back in college when I wrote a poem for a cute girl I saw on the train and handed it to her in hopes that she’d call. In both cases neither woman responded to this ultra-shy lame approach. I know why homeboy didn’t get any play, typos and bad grammar make for a bad first impression, but I presented a well crafted, although rushed, piece of written art. Still, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
Based on the responses to Belle’s post and to my own similar entry, the general female consensus felt it best to “man up” and simply approach a woman rather than roundabout methods of courting. True indeed, if you claim to be part of the grown and sexy set, save the note passing for high school. While I’ve outgrown that stage in my life, I’ll admit that I still have moments where I have issues approaching women. Why, you ask? Simple, it’s fear of rejection. I don’t care how suave or confident you are, it’s always tough when someone you have your eye on shoots you down like a game of Duck Hunt. So for those that don’t have a thick skin, approaching the opposite sex can be a nerve-racking experience filled with heavy doses of embarrassment, disappointment and ego bruising. That’s definitely not my idea of a good time.
For the most part, though, it’s men that have to be subjected to rejection on a more regular basis. Due to society’s gender roles, guys are expected to chase after women and make the first move, while the ladies have the power to just sit back and choose. (“Nope, his shoes are dusty;” “Please, his teeth are crooked;” “He can’t be serious.”) The balance of power basically swings in a woman’s favor leaving her in control of the rejection process more times than not. That’s not to say ladies don’t ever get rejected (see: “How Long Should a Woman Wait for a Ring?” or “Requiem For a One-Night Stand”) but the fairer sex usually has the deciding vote in courtship. Men chase, women decide who catches them.
As a former shy guy in recovery, I know firsthand how awkward rejection can be and try to avoid it at all costs. Depending on my mood that can mean I don’t even bother approaching a female I’m interested in and just pine away quietly (*single tear*), or I rely on subliminal game (I.e. make a bet where the loser takes the winner out for dinner or finagle someway for us to go out without it being labeled as a “date”). The latter gives me an easy out should the target of my affection reveal that she’s not be interested: “Date? This wasn’t a date. We’re just chillin’.” LOL.
The other night I was conversing with my homegirl about this very topic and she said that my shy guy approach was lame. “Why can’t you just ask a woman out and be done with it,” she argued.
“Because do you know how wack it is to walk across a crowded room and approach a woman only to have her send you running with your tail between your legs? Men have to put themselves out there for rejection all day every day.”
“Well, that’s your job, you’re a man.”
“What, so a woman can’t approach a man?”
“Oh, hell no. I would never ask a man out.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a lady and women like to feel courted and pursued.”
“I’m not saying all the time, but damn, can’t there be a little give and take? There were times where a woman approached me and I found it very sexy. There’s nothing like a woman that knows what she wants and goes for it. You wouldn’t at least give it a try for someone you really liked?”
“No. I’d smile or make eye contact, and if he doesn’t respond to that then I’ll know he’s not interested.”
“That’s not always the case. Let me tell you something, guys are dumb and we don’t always pick up on women’s signals. What might seem obvious to you might be oblivious to him. I’m sure that goes both ways because I’ve flirted with girls and made innuendos and gotten no play.”
“Well, I asked a guy out once and he turned me down so I said I’d never do that again.”
“Wow, one whole time [insert sarcasm here]. See, as a female, you have that option to never have to face rejection again by deciding no to ask a guy out again, but as a man I don’t have that same option. In fact, because so many women refuse to approach men we’re left to put ourselves out there for rejection every single day. How is that fair?”
“It’s not, but a lady should feel wanted by a man.”
“I hear what you’re saying, but can’t a man get something from being wanted, too?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, at least that’s a start. You know this is going on the blog, right?”
“Oh, Lord, just keep my name out of it.”
Fin.
Who has more power when it comes to dating, men or women? How much do gender roles play into how you approach dating? Ladies, would you consider flipping the script and asking a man out? Why or why not? Do you think men always pick up on your flirtatious signals? How do you try to get a man’s attention when you’re interested? Are shy guy a turn-off? Fellas, would you have a problem if a woman asked you out for a change? Do you have a hard time telling when a woman is feeling you? How do you deal with rejection?
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I love aggresive women and would not have any problem with a female stepping to me. As charming as I can be and I have been pretty sucessful picking up girls(percentage wise) its something I rarely do. As smart as I am I suck at reading “the flirt” signs. Rejection is a terrible feeling its like somebody telling you your not good enough for them.
I think for a lot of females who find themselves being approached by guys they’re not feeling so much maybe you should try asking a guy out. If nothing else make yourself more available or start the conversation.
I’m one of those who have asked a guy I was really into out once and got shot down and the bruising my ego took was enough to make me never do that ever again. Hats off to you gentleman who face possible rejection on a regular basis lol.
this post has inspired me to go out on a limb and approach a guy…i’ve been told i need to “make myself more available” and am oblivious to subtle signs, so maybe i should…but then again, I don’t talk to most random guys I meet on the street either, so I guess thinking about where and who I approach (a stranger, an aquaintance, or a friend)..would also factor into how I approach…but i will now lol
i consider myself down right radical when it comes to politics, but subconciously am still dealing with traditional gender roles when it comes to who approaches whom. Nobody likes rejection, so of course I don’t like the approach, but who does?
Shy guys can be cute, but ultimately I can be kind of shy too, and I don’t think two shy people should be together lol…just one awkward ol introverted pair..I like good communicators, soo i would probably shy away from the shy ones
So who has more power? I think women have more power in terms of “the approach” because guys tend to do it more and women can choose to reject or accept advances. But then again, maybe it depends on the women. Women that are so desperate to talk to any and everyone may resign their power to the caprice of the approacher…..but it all depends
Love this blog by the way, I’ve been reading it for months now (without commenting)…but i’ve finally [wo] manned up and said somn lol
Men have more power…PERIOD!!!
I would consider flipping the script, but I have a big fear of rejection. I think I am attractive, and PhD bound. But, my fear of rejection and not being able to see the signs has kept me single.
I have had a man place his number in my phone (I had just met him), and was not sure what to do. I let it ride by joking with him. My good friend who knows the guy was like jump on it. I pumped myself up, but to no avail…he seemed to blow me off before I could even ask him. Why do men do that? I felt so embarrassed.
I’ve asked men out. the problem with asking men out is it upsets the balance of the relationship moving forward.
Men are stupid. LOL. As hard as it is to face rejection for them, you would think that when a woman they could be interested in approaches them, they’d go “nice! one i didn’t have to jump off the ledge for.. lets do this.” right? NOPE.
They pop their collars. They say “see? the babes come to ME.” They feel like they don’t have to dedicate energy to the situation, because they didn’t initiate it.
Most men need to feel as if they are doing with wooing, as much as you all seem to complain about being shot down.
I’d say the person with the most confidence has the power. If both people are truly confident or equally shy, I find those situations to be a better match.
If a woman pushes up on a man and he doesn’t necessarily want her, but he likes her (or more accurately he likes that he feels wanted), he has the power because she will most likely try and work hard to win his affection. It’s the same the other way around as well. One person is usually more pressed than the other and that’s what messes things up. Balance is what makes things work. That good ‘ole give and take. Nobody likes to feel like they’re sweatin’ somebody.
Rejection sucks but when I’m interested in someone I have no problem at all flirting with a man and telling him we should hang out. I’m pretty straight up and do it all the time. Although not when I first meet someone. That’s hard for me. Usually, I gotta know the dude or somebody who can vouch for him. There are times I def prefer a man to ask me out. But some of y’all are hella slow! Therefore, women have to bite the bullet and drop the old way of doing things. Just don’t be TOO aggressive. Keep it light.
I actually like your subliminal game approach, Ans. I might try that one! lol.
@ New Money Machink
I’ve had that experience too and I didn’t get it.
Why act like that? They should be flattered. Fellas, if you want a woman to approach you, when we do, don’t act like an ass.
Ok when I quizzed a couple of my guy friends on how they feel about being asked out or pursued by a woman who obviously has the hots for them the majority said that whilst its flattering and they would ‘go along with it’ it would never really go further coz the thrill of the chase was never there to begin with and that takes half the fun out of it. I guess men still see themselves as the hunters and like a previous commentor said it upsets the balance and as a woman you will simply be wasting your time in the long run whether he says yes or no.
I agree with July’s and New Money Machink’s analysis.
When men are being approached it gets to their head too easily which in result turns them into assholes who think they are God’s gift to women.
Personally, I don’t think it’s about power or men vs women. And quite frankly I can only repeat myself: men have a tendency to pick out the raisins when “emancipation” is concerned. When it’s convenient yall play the emancipation card, when it is not things should remain the same.
Me approach a guy? Not likely. I don’t even know how to flirt but I don’t really care for it either. When I’m out and about I mind my own and do not look left and right to spot men I may find attractive. My mind simply isn’t going there.
If it wasn’t for the internet I most likely be single. I’m simply not that sociable.
I’m very shy and introverted, so I would NEVER ask a guy out on a date. No matter how badly I was feeling him. I would maybe ask him if he wanted to hang out casually as friends, then wait for him to ask me out. Besides, I’m with your friend: “Women like to feel courted and pursued.” I’m an old-fashioned gal, I think men should do the asking.
And then there’s my fear of being rejected. I don’t think my ego could take it. It was bad enough the one time I flirted with a guy again and again, and he payed me no mind. He knew I was feeling him. In fact, I once took a big leap out of my shell and told him I had a crush on him. But he just laughed it off and changed the subject. And I was crushed. But then I realized that there’s nothing anyone can do when a man/woman is just not into you. Yes, my ego was bruised. But it would have been so much worse if I had come right out and ask him out, only to have him reject me. OUCH.
BTW: @ NWSO,
I think the poem thing is hot. I don’t think it is childish or high school. It’s a bit romantic. I wouldn’t reject a guy because of the poem. I may have rejected him because of preconceived notions that maybe he’s just another perv on the subway. But the poem may sway me to wanting to do something out of the ordinary and call some random poet on the train.
Also, there’s something so sexy about a shy guy. A genuinely shy guy, not the ones who pretend to be shy because it’s part of their macking game. Especially a shy guy who, once he opens up, I find out is intelligent and a great conversationalist. So HOT!
I’ve actually asked two guys out and I can say I really understand how intimidating it is for guys. The first time was cool, it was just a friend that I wanted to get to know a bit better. The other, oh my goodness, after a couple of embarassing misteps and months, I just took the plunge. He said yes but it’s something that I said I would never do again. Basically because we never ended up going out, but I conquered a fear.
But who knows, if the chance arises and I definitely know that he’s feeling me I just may ask him out.
I am one of those shy guys who looks @ approaching a woman like its trigonometry (a class you would rather avoid), but what’s worse is that I have no clue when it comes to the signs from women either……
@ The Ladies…
What are some of the “Signs” that guys should look for to know your feeling them?
Also…What do the ladies deem an appropriate time to approach someone?
while i didn’t ask out my current beau per se, i surely initiated the conversation. he’s a stone cold fox and there was no way i was leaving the event without at least having a conversation with this man.
he was profiling against the wall, i walked up and said hi my name is choco, pina if you nasty. he laughed and said my name is stone cold fox. he offered his number to me within 10 minutes, i gave him mine and the rest is history.
he was the only i guy i have ever approached, and honestly i wouldn’t have been upset if we didn’t exchange numbers or we weren’t a match.
i was more excited that i got the cajunes out of the blue to roll up on a guy. without any liquid courage. it only took me damn near 30 years get the nerve to do it, lol.
my ego was super big after that. whenever i see him i think to myself “yeah! i pulled that!”
I agree with New Money, July and Elle!
I damn well know my fragile self esteem can’t take the knock-backs so I won’t be asking anyone out in this lifetime!! I know dude’s have a hard time when approaching women so I keep it civil when I turn guys down. I’m not one of those females who get an attitude when a man approaches them(unless he is rude or aggressive). I just smile, say no thanks and keep it moving!
Just like ladies want to be courted and in a sense chased so do men…plain and simple…Women get off the pedestal and ask him out…you never know what you might be missing.
I’m aggressive~plus i know the pressure & courage it takes to approach someone & the fear of rejection~ so I have always asked men out I have gotten turned down but I continue to do it b/c i go for what I want I dont like missing out on opportunities especially fyne ones LOL
But like July, Elle and New Money said men tend take it either to their heads or get thrown off by it all!
I remember a few yrs ago I wanted to try something different and not approach a man at all(when being approached i usually jump in to break the ice after the initial smile and hello). There was this one guy i seen in the grocery store who gave me the im interested smile, i smiled back with that extra stare to let him know it was ok to approach me. well this went on for the entire time i was in the store it was actually quite funny & cute. he would go down the same aisle i was in, say hello or smile and stare. now normally after the first smile i would say hi and proceed to push up but i didnt this time i just waited him out. aisle after aisle he followed me trying to pretend he was looking for something but his lilttle basket was quite full & i caught him everytime staring. I was with a client of mine so a few times I left her thinking maybe he was nervous about pushin up on me b/c i was with my “mom”……but he would juss smile and continue staring. He went as far as to get off line a few times after he was “done” shopping to act like he forgot something. still i waited. But he never approached me. when we were done shopping I juss walked by him and said bye have a nice day!
now this man wasnt my type but i would’ve given him a chance if he had approached me especially b/c i knew he was nervous! LOL
I personally don’t have a problem speaking to a man that I might find interesting(or one who at least has peaked my interest)…..
However if its going to go any further than that, it has to be him who makes the move or the approach for something more. WHY?
Because then later on down the line………we are told by men that if a man wants you there is nothing that will stand in his way of letting you know and acting on it.
If a man doesn’t act on his interest than he isn’t interested period.
I believe if a woman were to take the lead in that situation then she will ultimately be taking the lead in the rest of it, and possibly getting it all wrong along the way, due to womens programming.
I am not asking a man out, unless its a male friend that I want to kick it with socially.
How would I deal with rejection?
Or a case of liking someone that doesn’t like me?
Simply take my ego and move on.
to sum this all up cause no one wants to say it women are as lame as men could be a woman who was to approach me it means alot to me not just that shes not the timid type but a woman who goes and gets what she wants is sexy to me rejection goes along way not just in a first encounter with the opposite sex but in life as a whole i find that timid people tolerate alot more bullshit because the fear to say how you really feel to someone is a struggle in your life i myself have conquered that point of my fear but meet a woman for the first time is always a problem for me not because i dont know what to say but because i read a persons body language and use that to determine if a woman is worthy of my company basically im a believer in what you see is what your getting sometimes as bad as this sounds you dont have to wait to hear what comes out of someones mouth to know they are not your type example i dont like woman who dress promiscuous and men dont front you know that says alot more about a woman than shes single it also depends on where your meeting your women if you meet a woman in a strip club dont expect for her to be a virgin or to stop stripping because your in the picture what about the train most of the time people are rushing to get to there destination like does she really have time to entertain a conversation when shes late for work i just face it and left this alone woman are never gonna make things simple for us at the end of the day in a womans eyes the man is always replacable and they feel irreplacable
I dont think moct men really want to be courted. I think the idea is nice but when it happens I think most men equate that woman’s value with the fact she is doing the pursuing. Like is she desperate that she has to approach. A friend flat out told me men like to be the chaser. Ultimately it won’t sit right with him having a female pursue him.
Anyway nowadays the balance is off with regards to male & female relations. That same friend said if P***y was a stock,the price has gone way down. Men seem to have this idea of this ratio that keeps quite a few of them thinking their options are limitless where women are concerned. They dont have to worry so much about the rejection factor as much cuz they arent out their pursuing relationships anyway.
As for the question, I dont think I see myself doing that ( asking a man out). In the past I would’ve said I am a confident enough woman to just do it, but it doesn’t pay off with most guys.
I don’t think I ever asked out a guy per se; however, when my ex was taking forever to ask ME out, I took the opportunity of asking him move some of my stuff offering to pay for gas and telling him I needed a REALLY strong guy, which his ego loved, and we finally had a chance to hang out one on one, chat, joke around, which we did until we both had to leave in the morning. We both said how much we enjoyed each other’s company, and he obviously didn’t have a hard time asking me out a couple days later, and soon we were on our merry way to a full-blown relationship.
) really fast, you just WON’T. Not because you’re “playing hard to get,” but because that’s who you are.
) about what a member of each sex SHOULD and COULD do… I say, to each his/her own. (cont.)
It all may have never happened if I hadn’t asked him TO HELP ME MOVE. No, I didn’t ASK HIM OUT, sorry. I knew he had a lot of responsibilities those days requiring that he is at five different places at any given time, and dating was definitely not a priority to him. He just wasn’t looking in any way, period. If I had ASKED HIM OUT, not only would it have been awkward for him because of that, but also because – as he put it – he “just doesn’t like an easy target.”
Someone said earlier (sorry, on my phone again and can’t check who it was) that it was pretty much what her “friendly focus group” of guys say, too.
I don’t know if it’s because there are a few characteristics that each of us is generally attracted to, or simply for the practical reason that someone else mentioned (two people, each of whom is shy or reluctant to make a move will just not end up together, period,) but in my circle of friends, that seems to be the “norm,” too: men seem to appreciate a woman who isn’t easy to get more. I’m not talking about games. If you’re a woman who isn’t comfortable with the idea of “asking a man out,” or sleeping with anyone (Tyson Beckford wouldn’t count
So, we can go on and on (I just did
(cont.)
As adults, our personalities have certainly been influenced by what we have seen our peers to consiser “normal.” I highly doubt that I could ever straight up ask out a guy.
interesting thoughts all. so here are a few responses….
a-women do have more power at te beginning, but there is inevitably a power shift at some point once 2 said people begin to spend time together when 1 person begins liking the other more.
b-i think it should be reciprocal after a certain point once the initial connection is made.
c-i know quite a few women who still buy into the whole “he has to ask ME out!” or “i would NEVER ask a man on a date!” same rule applies: a closed mouth does not get fed. i also know (and used to be) one of those women who threw the rules book out a long time ago. when i was single, if i met or saw someone i was attracted to and could muster the courage cuz rejection is real, i used to ask them out.
d-i think it’s silly to expect someone to read your mind (especially since as you mentioned the average cat is highly oblivious) and make a move. i also never liked the idea of giving up so much power or control. it was always more fun to be in the drivers seat. by the same token, i always appreciated a confident, comfortable man who threw caution to the wind and approached me. thus why i am no longer single. lol.
It is soo funny that I am reading about this topic right now. I just had a conversation on my Twitter page about this same subject.
My position is that I believe that the man should make the first move. I feel that the definition of a “man” is one who is a protector as well as someone who goes after something that he wants. I feel that if the man is interested enough in the woman that he sees he will make the first move.
But after speaking to other guys and getting their viewpoint I have learned that men get just as shy as women and are a lot of times fearful of rejection. So I should not look at it as them not being interested but really scared. So what I have really learned is that you cannot let fear stop you from going after what you want because you really could be missing out on something.
So I think its healthy for a female to approach a dude. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. But don’t be too aggressive I HATE that.
With that being said I have done my fair share of rejecting females advances (nothing to crazy), or I might give it a go and make a date but then not be interested. Its easy to know whether a guy is interested cause his eyes don’t lie. Sometimes women will give a friendly smile to keep you at bay and that confuses me sometimes.
When it comes to talking to a complete stranger I guess I can be shy but when I do go in I do get numbers but I’m bad with the follow up and that is why I would rather have a female get my number.
Ladies if your interested in a dude and would entertain going on a date with him send the dude a message that you are interested. If you don’t out right want to ask him on a date, ask him for his number before he gets the chance to ask for yours. Give something so we know whether or not to waste or time or not.
I am by no means shy and I don’t like shy women. I do like women who approach however, but take away the word aggressive or forward. Those sound like words if used for a man would lead to the assholes and TMIs of approaching. I really think the women on this blog have it twisted. It doesn’t get to my head whatsoever if a woman approaches and depending on what she says or not will I be flattered. Yeah yeah, gender roles this and gender roles that. The rules of engagement should apply both ways.
A- Hi, is the defacto introduction.
B- If you’re rejected he/she may already be in a relationship or just not interested.
C- Somewhere between the first thing you say and the 7th to tenth sentence (not that I count them) you can probably tell if the person is interested.
D- as with anything in life, practice makes better. I went through an Erkel phase in high school and and decided in life to take those minor chances, you never know. But this blog question is something I’ve discussed in the past and my answer is, men are better prepared for rejection prior to a relationship and women during/post relationship.
All in all, remember there are differences between aggressive, forward and just plain ol’ approaching of which the latter is a matter of personality and sometimes just being yourself without seeming too anxious. Just be sure to know that in life, you really don’t get what you want just because you want it.
I would like to say that there are men then there are boys. If you incounter a boy sure you will have problems at every stage no matter how you meet them. A real man also knows what he wants and can respect any real lady who knows the same.
I think approaching guys is a good measuring stick to tell weither or not your dealing with a real man or a little boy with big time issues. There is no natural order of things when dating there is only whats right for you and whats not right for you.
@Ladies
Any guy who would put “the thrill of the hunt” over meeting a great girl ask yourself do you really wanna date that guy anyway? Thats the problem with most people and relationships its about fun. Relationships should be deeper then just fun and any person who only care about “the rush” only leave when that rush goes away.
Im sorry but the idea that its just guys that lets many advances go to there heads is so untrue. Woman often let the physical beauty go to there head as well. And that makes them almost impossible to deal with when approaching them. They often fell like there owed something. Everybody knows are is that girl that has to have a drink before she will even talk to a guy when shes out and that is the same thing. But just like I would never wanna talk to that girl you should wanna avoid that guy who would let your advance go to his head.
I have more of a question than an answer: How?
What are the deal breakers if I decide to approach a guy. An author names Andrew Trees wrote “Decoding Love”, and in it, he warns women against “putting too much out there” at the first meeting or date. He said women doom a first impression when we come off “too smart”. So, what is a girl to do?
PS…You need to write a book!
@July
I think it all depends on the individual. Just because a woman asks a guy out or makes the first move doesn’t mean she gives up the chase, she just built a better mouse trap. What better bait than a CLEAR SIGN of interest instead of batted eyes and half smiles (maybe she has gas is what I’m thinking.. LOL).
BUT there is the possible risk for a guy to start feeling himself or to think the girl is “easy” so it’s all in the approach. Not saying throw yourself at a man or always ask out, but an occasional nudge never hurt anybody… much (cue rejection).
@LL
I agree with you on the attraction and courtship has to be a mutual exchange, regardless of who asks who out for it to work, but the whole “If a man doesn’t act on his interest than he isn’t interested period” thing isn’t necessarily true. I have no idea who started this ideology and passed it down to other women throughout the centuries. Does the same work for y’all then? If a woman never asks a man out, then is she not interested period? Maybe if she doesn’t wink or flip her hair at you she’s not interested? Of course not, so how can we put a blanket statement on each and every man color and creed? Everyone is different and has their own personal hang ups on dating, insecurities, shyness, etc. So I think the PERIOD needs to be changed to a question mark after that statement.
Not totally directed at you LL but the group
In my past dealings with men when I initiated the conversation, the experience has been pleasant. I give myself a little pep talk, think of a way to strike up the convo and then I go for it. I have been rejected before, and it stung a bit, but you get over it cause everyone gets rejected.
Most of the time when men approach me, and I accept the experience is not as enjoyable for me. I am a person who knows what I want. I like to flirt, I love the “getting to know you” phase when meeting new people. So I feel that when a woman asks a man out, she owns the situation. I would rather take control and get accepted or rejected than to leave and never know what could have happened because neither one of us spoke up. Cause like NWSO said, men can be a bit clueless at times.
My personal philosophy: woman don’t have much experience with rejection until we are either in a relationship and a man cheats; or in situations when we open up to a man we are into only to find out that he doesn’t feel the same. Thats part of the reason why we get so emotional, guilt ridden, and feel that we have done something wrong when things don’t work out. Men feel the sting of rejection, but they own it and then they go back on the prowl. They don’t like rejection but they are used to it and they understand that rejection is a part of the game. They have been experiencing rejection since elementary school!
I don’t mind being pursued and trust, when you step to a man if he is into you, he will do what he needs to do to make you happy. From my experience it doesn’t upset the balance of the relationship.
Women can ask men out its fun! I mean the worst a person will say is no you feel bad for a bit then you move on….its not the end of the world.
I look at it this way…if a person says no, he/she just wasn’t smart enough to say yes.
No is just the first step of saying yes.
I had a poem slipped to me on a bus recently, but I wasn’t attracted to the dude, so I didn’t call. Confidence is incredibly sexy, and trumps physical beauty (or lack thereof), so had we talked and he proved that he knew he had it going on, it may have gone differently. But if you have the possibility of rejection in your head as you approach, that’ll stink in ya, and turn off the types who find insecurity a turn-off.
That said, I was struck dumb just a couple days ago by this cat in the produce section at Fine Fare. I didn’t necessarily fear he’d reject me, but I didn’t want to do anything to interfere with my ability to enjoy him as the most beautiful thing I’d seen that moment; talking to him surely would have killed it.
If you know who you are, you *can’t* be rejected, sun. Just missed out on. If they aren’t interested, *shrug*. There’s, like, 7 billion people in the world. That one (or 12, or 200) who said no represent your value? Please.
If you’re interested in someone, give them a holla! I am a female and I do it all the time, when I am single. If the cat says no thank you, ok…my bad papi, was just checking you out…then move on! That simple! Like o girl said, you really could miss out on something being too fearful to explore other avenues!
@ Lonias
I’m always conflicted when people say; don’t come off as “too smart”. The last thing you want to do is dumb yourself down. I do believe that some topics should remain off limits such as religion and politics. Those can be so heated and emotional that you lose sight on gradually getting to know the person.
But I guess coming off as too smart can be interpreted as only discussing issues that make you comfortable because you possess a wealth of knowledge about that particular topic. Refrain from being so wrapped up in yourself cause the other person may be left out of the convo. For example, I work in business administration in academia. It’s a cool gig and I’m around researchers and academics all day. I can hang with them in conversation, no problem. But when I go out, my date doesn’t want to only talk about the effects of drug use on the frontal lobes of the brain, cognition and decision making. We may discuss it briefly, but I don’t want to make it seem like that is all I am about. It’s important to be open to a variety of topics and not something that only you can talk about b/c its what you do for a living. Then the convo becomes one sided and boring.
Knowlegde is sexy how can a female be too smart? I would agree that just meeting somebody in most cases isnt the best time to discuss major topic just light hearted convo. Which if you guys are on the same page you should be able to get a feel for it.
@ Young Jay
I would say the number one sign that a chick likes you is if she breaks the invisible barrier between you guys i.e she touches/brushes your arm or knee during convo or she smacks you lightly when you tell a ‘funny’ joke or do something she thinks is cute or if she just continues to randomly touch you for no good reason.
Body language is key, if she leans in during convo or her body is leaned into yours or facing yours shes feeling you. Oh yeah and if you are not that funny (and be honest with yourself if your not) and she is in a fit of girly giggles like you are Chris Rock she feeling you.
Those are some of the subtle signs…hope that helps a little bit. As for appropriate times that all depends on the situation I doubt there is a hard and fast rule for that one, just gotta play it by ear.
Oh yeah and how could I forget the lingering eye contact, I mean if you look at a chick and she is just not into you believe me she will look away and not look back again but if you constantly catch her looking and lock eyes and she holds your gaze for a few seconds then she is interested.
If its followed by a sweet subtle little smile then thats your cue to go in for the kill!
@July
I think he meant before you start talking to a female.
And if the laugh thing is your advice im screwed cause I am damn funny.
@ Da Throne
I see but at least I covered all aspects lol but I think the second part should answer his question then.
As for you being funny…if she laughs a little bit too much you know just a bit too long or too loud according to the joke then thats a sign! But then again every guy thinks they are hilarious so most guys never catch this one!
@NWSO
If that was your attempt to get me to try again at ‘nudging’…never gonna happen
All i got to say to this thing is in NYC (ladies) its a completely different ballgame.
I didn’t read the entire blog…sorry. My little fingers were just itching to type a response. lol, so forgive my bias reply/comment.
would i approach a guy? yes. and i have. i would pay for the ”date” as well. so if it does turn out that we don’t mesh well… then so be it. that is simply the way that it turns out, we don’t mesh well.
with my morbid sense of humor and wicked lust for ”keeping it real” … i’d rather get shot down a time or two… than to continuously do the shooting… ya dig? lol
in any case… rejection is yet another way of pinching yourself to make sure you are still awake. it can’t possibly happen all the time, besides …there’s nothing wrong with a little stormy weather. its good for the sunshine. *smile*
peace-n-salutations
once and only once did i right i note to this guy i thought was really cute and it was the last day dude was workin there at my job. Neva really heard from him got kinda hurt, but cause i know what i have i wrote it off as his lost not mine. I must say as i female i like being pursued by men and havin them show me that the’re worth me talkin to, presentation is key! Shy guys are kinda cute but too shy i cant work with cause i feel ur nerves and then get nervous myself.
@keke
I think I’m a decent conversationalist. I know that both parties need the opportunity to express themselves, and both deserve the respect of the other.
I guess what I’m asking is:
If conversation is intimidating, then wouldn’t approaching a man be just as intimidating?
@NWSO
Its men who have started that from the beginning and continue to do so today.
Its the younger crowd that is essentially changing the dynamics.
However, its been said that some men will go along with a woman who approaches first…..then somewhere down the line will be the one to place any blame of failure of the relationship on the woman should one be had as a result.
The issue is, the man will go along often times…..and the woman will assume certain things by him going along without her ever getting a clear picture of where things stand in his mind…..because she’s been leading throughout the dance.
But Like I said……….its one thing for a woman to let a man know that she likes him…..and another for her to let him act on it.
I also believe the same applies to men as well…..if he lets me know in no uncertain terms that he is interested then it is my duty to let him know that I am interested as well….or not.
But I am of the mind……….that I am not making any moves until it is clear to me he is interested.
I have NEVER had a man I’ve approached be comfortable with me approaching.He was flattered…for sure…but it never went any where.
Men like to be the ones in control….which is hella annoying over time.Cause the men that usually have the balls to approach me…are not my type.And the guy that’s my type doesn’t have the balls to approach me.
I hit on a guy a few years back in the train station…we went on a few dates.but he always questioned my motives…like he wasn’t sure if i was really feeling him.And he told me point blank…my beauty was intimidating and he would’ve never approached me for fear of rejection.Yet…he wasn’t rejected..yet…he was still insecure about it.
Women have some power…but in NYC…that power don’t really amount to much in the power struggle for men to be the 1st to do the talking.
YoungJay
What are some of the “Signs” that guys should look for to know your feeling them?
________________________________________
I will actually look you in the eyes and stare for a sec.And i tend to get nervous if a guy that’s my type gives me the once over. I get fidgety.
On another note…..if the woman suddenly places ALL of her attention on a book or Ipod or whatnot…she’s not feeling you.DO NOT approach.
@paulettebajangal
Just because there are a lot of insecure people out there dont make approaching men a bad idea. Like I said if a man cant handle a woman stepping to him he is 99.9% not your kinda guy.
P.S. You can hit on me anytime
agree w/paulette …. often, at least with the experiences that i’ve had, guys are intimidated by the approaching of a beautiful woman… and they often think that there is some underlying motive… for whatever reason? i suppose it is their conscience getting the best of them??
@ throne… insecurities are a major turn off … on behalf of either party. i think you would agree? constantly having to convince your mate that everything is a-ok? can be a bit exhausting….and often takes a wicked toll on the potential of a future.
@PeachesNPuddin (formerly NuB)
Everytime I have been out I have welcomed every advances from a beautiful female I ever got. Never once has it come as a surprise or I thought that any of them had “underlying motive”. Then again most of the time I wasnt wearing a shirt so that tends to happen a lot to me! LMAO!!!
I am a Cancer so we fear rejection more than most. I can’t see myself asking someone out, but last summer I did something I never do. I struck up a conversation with a nice looking man while getting my oil changed. He asked for my # & we had a nice little thing going for a while. I have said the next time I see a man who catches my eye, I will at least try to make eye contact & speak. For me that is a major step! I am trying to step outside of my normal patterns when it comes to dating. Nothing ventured, nothing gained..
This may be a matter of personal preference, but I like an aggressive, self-assured and self-confident man. I find that ultra sexy. It’s all in the “swagger” a.k.a. disposition of the man and many times that and that alone gets him in the intended position. A man who is afraid (I’m a strong personality, am confident and have been told I have an “intimidating” look) isn’t my type. A man who is afraid/shy ain’t my style. If a man prefers a woman who will approach him and be the aggressor in the situation, then I am not his.
In the long run, the two of us won’t mix well anyway.
I’ve approached guys in the past. Most recently I approached 2 brothers(not wanting to leave the other out) but the better looking one didn’t seem interested. I flirted with the one I was most interested in but he clearly didn’t see the signs, or maybe he did and wasn’t interested. At the end of the night the one I wasn’t interested in gave me his #. I’m glad I was confident enough to do it. Probably made a great future friend.
Approaching guys is not my thing. But sometimes I’d rather not wait on a man and just go for it. I’m shy but once in a while I get the balls to just do it.
@Dragonfly
Im know there arent any official stats but Im sure the guy who approaches every lady he see is a lot more likely to be a player and not eqaully as good at being faithful as he is at picking up girls. Not to sterotype “smooth” brother with swagg that you like ,but every dude I know thats good at pulling shorties dont just stop at one.
I understand that confidence is sexy its the same for both genders ,but sometimes what you like isnt whats best for you. I think girls who flirt a lot are super sexy but most of the girls I have known that were really flirty all had real questionable personalites. So I look for more wholesome females now that Im more looking to settle down for good. Sometimes you have to make necessary changes when its all said and done.
@Da ThRONe (did i get it right?) & @Dragonfly
Also, I think that some guys overcompensate for their fear of rejection by hollering at every girl, trying to find the next one to replace the one that just dissed them. Think there are extremes, ultra shy and hesitant and then super aggressive and non-selective. We all search for someone in the middle
@NWSO
thats close enough the “D” is lower case but thats way better.
This reminds me of a Dave Chappelle sketch!
“Holla holla holla hol hol holla holla hol hol hol holla holla hol hol hollla bitch let me holla at’cha” LOL
It takes a lot of confidence for a woman to approach a man. That or a lot of drinks… Either way, to me it’s never been about thinking “ok, he’ll want this”. It’s more of an “ok, he seems kinda cool and we could probably have fun together. Let me make sure he knows that”. ^_^ And hell, i tend to be entertaining to people who are entertaining to me. Meaning, arrogance says that if i’m interested in HIM, he HAS to be interested in ME. See how that works?
Maybe because for me it’s never been about that “pretty” guy. I think i’ve always been attracted to men who offer me something personality wise. And sexy. Yes Lord, partial to sexy… But sexy and pretty (handsome) aren’t the same thing (another conversation…). My point is, depending on your reason for even being attracted enough to approach THAT GUY, then all should be ok. If your reason is superficial, then the response you get might just be the same. If you’re coming with substance, then if they’re OF substance you should be alright.
It’s just so hard to do if you sike yourself out about it, thinking of rejection. Like NWSO said, men get rejected and live. Keep it moving. Just make SURE you speak the next time you see him, lol. Keep your face straight.
It’s only been here lately (in my old age) that i realize that a good bit of my old “friends” happened because of me being me and speaking. I mean, i really haven’t been conscious of doing that, i just have always loved being around men as friends. And if i think a little harder, i can also remember a couple of times when i’ve had my ego checked. But, I CAN say i claim a history of interesting ummm… just history, lol. Especially when i was the one to pick them, as opposed to what was picking me. Boy, i’ve got a hella eye… They do it, so they end up with what they want. Okay, where does that leave us?
Thank you NWSO, i think i needed to hear this conversation, lol.
My apologies for that long a** post… And btw, just thought about it. Does me admitting to that put a label on me? Which one did i get??
IM VERY AFRAID OF ERJECTION FROM MEN ,I KNOW IM UGLY AND I KNOW IM KNOW IM NOT WHAT MEN WANT,SO I KEEP MY SELF AWAY FROM MEETING MEN ,AND I KEEP MYSELF FROM MAKEING FRIENDS BECAUSE OF THE PAST FRIENDS IVE HAD WITH FEMALES ,AND PAST RELATIONSHIPS IVE HAD WITH MEN ,IM SCARED TO MEET AND I DONT TRUST ANYONE NOW DAYS INCLUDING FAMILY.I GO BY VIANILLA35
It is interesting to me that you start with the baseline assumption that women are getting lots and lots of offers and invitations that are worthy of consideration. Now I am generally considered attractive to very attractive and (especially in warmer, less covered, but modestly so, months) get lots of male attention. But most of this attention is not the sort of attention that initiates the kind of connection that translates into first dates much less you know friendships or gasp, romantic relationships. If you call being the object of lots and lots of reckless eyeballin’, corny lines and occasional stunned silence (I knock ‘em dead a sundress…) power, I guess I am powerful. I do get approached in other ways but not often and sometimes in the hustle of city life the default settings on the nuisance filters cause me to reflexively block potentially nice men because of the high volume of knuckleheads I encounter.
I have asked men out with mixed success (for the record no one likes rejection…) but the older I get the less willing I am to do it because I find that men treat me more seriously when they ask first. I definitely try to be obvious about my willingness to hang out and may even offer a “soft ask,” that is sharing information on my plans that might inspire an aware brother to take advantage of an opening. But active asking is definitely a diminishing part of my dating toolkit.
@ Anonymous
Peace, sis, I think people have said it earlier but confidence goes a long way. If you describe yourself as “ugly” people will perceive you as that.
I have no idea what you look like and your self analysis may or may not be true, but I’ve seen and met plenty of people that weren’t the standard of beauty but attracted people because of their inner beauty, confidence and personality. I know it sounds like a crock of ish, but think of the Biggie Smalls and Big Puns of the world (can’t think of other examples off top). Neither fit the mold of beauty but attracted people because of their humor and confidence. It’s cool to accept your limitations, but not cool to wallow in them as a crutch.
Keep your head high. I know it’s tough but if you don’t love yourself and your flaws who else will?
@NWSO said: “Also, I think that some guys overcompensate for their fear of rejection by hollering at every girl, trying to find the next one to replace the one that just dissed them.”
YES! And that is so transparent. I can tell when a guy is the ‘talk to everything w/bewbs’ type. Sham-whack.
what can I say? its a hard thing, dating. It’s so important for men to feel like Men, but then they want to be asked out by women. its hard enough for a woman to submit to a man in today’s society but now you want to make it even harder by making her the leader by asking you out and then tell her to take a step back when you need to feel like a man. its not going to happen. if you want to be the man in the relationship you have to make the first move.
The same way its sexy to a man a woman that knows her on mind, its even better for a man to know his. I don’t like men that wait for me to make a decision. thats too much for me to have to do the think for the both of us. it gets boring and annoying after a while
A woman approaching a man is fine—we’re all adults, right. Fear of rejection is so high school. Keep moving. I’m sure i’ve been rejected more than twice in my life but i only remember those two (one was new to this country and didn’t know what a date was and the other was a muslim who didn’t go to dances. High School–what’re ya gonna do?). The next one comes along and you’re off to the races!
I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman asking a man out. I have, and been rejected just like men have been. There are a couple of guys I would like to ask out right now but I am a little apprehensive because one is a co-worker, the other is a known poet who I super dig. I am afraid to take any further action with the poet for fear that he will not reciprocate it…and yes, I did stop him in the parking lot one night and asked for his number. The co-worker seems really shy so I introduced myself to him. Not sure if anything will come of that though. My male friend says that in “general” men do not want to be asked out by women and I am turning them off by asking. I don’t know, I consider myself to be an open-minded woman which is why I don’t see any problem with asking someone to take a chance and get to know you better in a different environment if there is obvious and mutual flirting/interest/communication.
That’s my peace
I love being approached by women. It is sexy. From experience, they’re always so much slicker and more original than men in their approach. Women definitely hold more power. They may not always approach, but for the most part, they’ll give you little hints when they’re interested, at which point it’s on you to step to the plate. But you’re right, we don’t always read the signs. God knows I tend to be illiterate.
I already that know the type of man that I would want is someone who isn’t afraid to take the challenge of just gathering his balls and just asking me what’s good. But if I felt like homie wasn’t really sure if I was feeling him or not, I’ma just put it out there. The worst either of us could say is no.
Women definitely have the upper hand for the most part. With that comes more responsibility about sexual activity. We men dont choose to have sex with women; they choose to have sex with us. In that case, women do have a right to be selective.
Unless a dude is totally charismatic and can recognize that he can go past rejection, he’ll never have the upper hand.
Me personally, I dont even give a damn anymore. I’ve had females approach me and it’s a bit of an experience…but when you live in NYC, nothing really throws you for a loop. I’m 22 and I was more of the cerebral type throughout my life so I’ve had my share of “no”.
Another thing is chasing women. I dont believe in that. If we kick it we kick it. f I have to run through volcanos, i aint with it. Esp if the grand prize is wack.
Personally, I really do think it is a numbers game! Actually, my mother gave me that advice. The more you get out there…. one of these days it will pan out.
Can a woman ask a man out? Of course.
With that said… I have never asked a man out.
I’m very shy and introverted, and I would never ask a guy out, no matter how much I liked him. My crippling fear of rejection causes me to use the method of ‘never-let-him-know-you-like-him-ever-and-hide-in-the-corner-and-eventually-try-to-forget-about-him’
which I know is a ridiculous way to go about it but at least that way I don’t have to face rejection! Also I tend to find that men act like asses when they find out someone likes them – I was shot down cruelly and humiliatingly the last time anyone found out lol. However I must face that this is what keeps me single.
However I do think it’s very admirable when a woman can ask a man out, and I think men are pretty brave to ask women out on a regular basis. I couldn’t!
I did it, twice. I was stoop up both times. I think men are afraid of it.Some say it’s intimidating. Men say women don’t make the first move & when we do, they get scared.
good post…. as a guy you do have to put yourself out there a whoe lot and face rejection… I know of some females when i was in college that got a kick out of rejecting guys. Did not matter approach, style…. even if they were attracted… they just liked that hard to get approach… I found out the hard way….. shorte turned me down and in a nut shell i turned it into a joke which infuriated her (I forgot what I said)….. weeks later i ran into her and we eventually became friends…. well I had to find out why she didnt like me and she told me the story above….
I love when a woman approaches me….. its such a high…… even if im not interested I still am polite and engage in conversation while reassuring her that she should try that approach again..
To be honest… woman have a higher success rate at approaching 1st over men so they should do it more: I’m tired of hearing women talking about the wrong men approaching them or attracting the wrong ones… step your game up and approach someone!!
[...] in April, I wrote a post called “Should Women Ask Men Out? (Fear of Rejection).” For those that missed it, the basic premise was that when it comes to courtship all the [...]
Absofreakinglutely.
Just the act of approaching a guy at all disarms him and you usually get to see the real guy and not the one who has to build himself up just to get the courage to approach a girl.
[...] Do Aggressive Women Get More Dates? (She Asked Him Out) A lot of women often complain about not being able to find a good man or only being approached by jerks. A while back I suggested that the ladies just flip the script and actually do the do the man’s job. For the most part, female readers balked at the idea because they were just SCARED OF REJECTION. [...]
Initially women have more power when it comes to dating, but an insanely handsome muscular man has WAY more power than a beautiful women, because he can have sex with 10 girls a night. Women do not generally pursue sex with multiple men. So a really hot stud jock guy has a much higher social standing than a hot chick.