Does Closure Make Breaking Up Easier?

0 Posted by - May 14, 2009 - Real Life, Real Talk, Relationships, Love & Marriage

sewing_a_broken_heart

The other night I was catching up with my homegirl Julie over drinks when the subject of her ex Bobby came up. He was her first love but they ultimately broke up because he cheated. Despite Bobby’s infidelity they managed to maintain a civil friendship for a while because they were friends first, but eventually Julie began to feel that it was pointless to maintain allegiance to a man that had betrayed her trust. However, she never relayed this message to Bobby directly, instead she just stopped reaching out and returning his calls in hopes he’d get the picture.

FLASH FORWARD about two years and Julie gets a friend request from Bobby on FaceBook. IGNORE.
A few weeks later she gets a voice mail message from him: “Hey, I got your number from So-And-So and just wanted to check in on you and say I really miss your friendship. If I don’t hear from you just know that, uhm, I love you and, well, I guess, have a good life.” DELETE.

A week or two after that Julie got a call from her grandmother saying how she ran into Bobby at the mall and he mentioned losing Julie’s number. Apparently he needed to get in contact with her about “something important.” Julie also got a call from her father recounting a similar exchange with Bobby when he called her parents‘ house a few weeks back. Needless to say, neither grandma nor daddy passed on Julie’s information to Bobby. Despite Bobby’s effort, Julie has yet to respond to him and she has no plan to.

Based on Bobby’s multi-pronged modes of reaching out to Julie, I figured he wanted one of three things. A) He realized the error of his ways and wanted to get back together. B) He was getting married or had a baby on the way and wanted her to hear it from him first. C) Because their lines of communication ended abruptly with no explanation he just needed some closure.

According to Julie, though, she could give a rat’s ass about A, B or C. Their break up was years ago and she has long since moved on. In her mind, there’s nothing else to discuss. While I saw where Julie was coming from, I tried to view things from Bobby’s perspective as well. I mean, it had to be something real important for this man to go through all these hoops and hurdles just to try to get in contact with her. I viewed option A and B as all ego-driven, but if it was option C, I could definitely feel Bobby’s pain.

Over the years I’ve had my fair share of relationships—platonic, romantic, business, family, etc—but what I’ve begun to realize is the value of closure. When I was younger, I thought only women needed closure. Any time I heard a chick say she needed “closure” I had no idea what she meant. We’re no longer dealing with each other so you go your way and I’ll go mine. But you know what? Men need closure too. At least I do.

Keeping it all the way real; I’ve got a lot of open wounds ranging from my unresolved daddy issues to my numerous unrequited crushes. Truthfully, I’ve only had one real breakup. All my other romantic relationships or dealings with women just somehow faded away with no real conversation or discussion. Someone stopped calling and the other person stopped bothering, eventually you both got the picture and moved on. The problem with that approach is that rather than dealing with the issue head-on, you merely bury your emotions under a false sense of security.

If you’ve been following my journey here for a minute you will have noticed that I’m constantly fighting with my demons and trying to better myself the best ways I know how—through closure. That’s why I finally reached out to Karen (see “Requiem For a One-Night Stand“) to explain to her why I faded out of the picture after our one and only night of intimacy. That’s why I reached out to my father [see "Dear, Father (The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote)"] to finally get some answers about why he wasn’t there for most of my life and to learn more about who I am. That’s why I recently apologized to the mother of my unborn child (see “The Untold Fact“) to beg her forgiveness for how I treated her during our relationship and never acknowledging her as someone worthy of being called my girlfriend (I’ll write about that in depth at a later date).

While I cringe at the thought of that last sentence being read publicly, the growth that I seek myself requires that I face my demons head-on. So if that means unearthing buried skeletons from my closet and possibly calling up old exes and friends like Bobby just to find closure so be it. It may have taken me 32 years but I know now that before I can ever move forward in life and find true happiness, I first have to close all these still-ajar doors to my past. Sometimes you have to take one step back just to make two steps forward. Walk with me…

How good are you at finding closure when a relationship ends? Are you the one usually looking for closure or the one running away from it? How important do you think resolving issues in past relationships are to you finding happiness in future ones? Have you ever confronted an ex or former friend about unresolved issues between y’all? How did it go? Would you do it again? Is there anybody from your past that you wish could clear the air with? Are you ready to find the closure you need?

Speak your piece…

broken-heart-god-fix

  • http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

    I never realized how important closure was until my ex never gave me mines(bitch). For the longest I took mad shit off of her and other girls because I felt like I deserved it because of how me and her broke up.

    When ever we use to talk she would make up some bullshit reason for our end(all of them blaming me). It wasnt until I realized that she was a no good hooker and she was leaving no matter what(and most likely cheated which she never fested up to) I did early on and how much I change to make her my world.

    I manned up and found my own damn closure! Sometimes you have to do it that way.

    Peace!

  • Spinster

    Closure is extremely important to me, no matter what kind of relationship it is (family, friend, romantic, business, etc.). Unfortunately, I’ve almost always had to get it on my own. Most people don’t seem to give a damn about anyone but themselves (what a superficial and narcissistic world we live in), so giving closure goes out the window.

    As the years have passed, I’ve learned to get closure on my own. It’s hard, but it’s possible.

  • Octavia

    I thought closure was important but I knw my ex will never give me that and even with it, it won’t change anything that happend so I had to just live with never having certain questions answered wether I like it or not and keep it moving. The hard part is not letting it become baggage for the next situation I guess

  • Elle

    Closure is definitely important to me. Yet and still, I always manage to find it – whether the other person involved in the scenario helps me do it or not.

    Maybe I’m just ignorant or cold hearted, who knows. But I really don’t need to have a last conversation or get answers to be able to close a chapter. For the most part, I simply assess the situation at hand, make a rational decision and that’s that. It’s kind of like formatting a hard drive. Once I deleted somebody from my life, my mind, my heart etc. that person ceases to exist in my version of the universe.

    I don’t seek answers, I don’t give answers. People really just get one shot with me, well ok, two because everybody makes mistakes. But once he/she messed it up one too many times, I remove myself from the situation never to return. Life is too short and too precious to continuosly linger in misery.

    I have a couple of “Bobbies” myself who tend to pop up on me every so often. Thanks to the internet people are able to reach out much more easily.
    Honestly, I wonder what these dudes are thinking or whether they are thinking at all. Do they take me for somebody completely gullable who is happy if a guy who showed me his ass graces me with his presence? Do they suffer from amnesia and completely deny what happened in the past?
    Quite frankly, I feel insulted when people from my past try to get in touch while completely ignoring why they are a closed chapter.
    Who am I? Mother Theresa? Or why would I be granting people closure so they can sleep better at night when in fact they deserve the pain they are going through? Karma is a bitch, deal with her when it is your responsibility to have brought her wrath upon you.
    I’ve dealt with my issues on my own. Do me the favor and do the same.

    • mery

      you clearly have not moved on, if you have, you wouldn’t still be so angry. You are in fact the one who stuck in the past. the “not giving answer”, is just you trying to hold your power in an egoistic manner. If you have reached out, you would of grown from it, and obviously you have not.

  • Shay

    I find this blog quite personal today. I have been battling my inner-demons with the idea of providing closure to my ex. You see, he and I were together off and on for a little over three years and one day (while we were in our “off” stage) I just decided to change all of my telephone numbers. I couldn’t deal with the “let’s be friends” any longer.

    Maybe I was over-analyzing, but I felt as if he was getting the best of both worlds…my frienship and support along with the opportunity to date whomever he wanted. It was painful on my end so I decided to just let it go. No explaination, no nothing. I was tired of going down the road of long, drawn out emails explaining why I wanted to break things off and wishing one another to have a “nice life” only to start talking again within two months. This time, I wanted him to know I was for real and there would be no calling or emailing in a few months, so I erased him from everthing.

    Similar to your story, he sent me emails inquiring about the number change and just like your friend I clicked DELETE everytime.

    It’s been almost a year now, and I just received two emails from him days apart “accidentally” including me on emails that were sent out to a number of people.

    Seeing his name in my inbox made my heart drop to my stomach after all this time and it led me to think about possibly replying with an explanation for my actions, but my stubborn pride tells me to LEAVE THE DOOR CLOSED.

    • Theresa

      Shay! Wow! Identical to what happened to me…I feel your pain!
      Except we are in an "off again" stage and this time it feels like it's forever….but he never gave me acceptance of the break up….and didn't respond to my break up as he normally would. It did hurt the most this time i admit…but i'm finding closure within myself….it's not that i want him back…i just wished he gave me closure….
      it's been 3 months since we last spoke and i broke it off through blackberry messenger which is like txting basically…i know that was immature of me but it is so hard to say the things i wanted to say in person or even over the phone. Reading your story made me realize i did the right thing by breaking up….for good!

    • mery

      you are clearly not moving on. not replying, is just your power trips.

  • Semora Howell

    For internal or external progress to ever be made, things must come to a close. There is a beginning, middle and end to everything, and an acknowledgement of that fact should always be made. Opening a new door without closing an old one welcomes old issues old problems old everything to walk right out behind you. I have always been a firm believer in finishing what you start is the best way to conclude. I may not always stick with things, but I do use my voice to make sure I “wrap things up” conclusively so that there isn’t a shadow of a doubt about it.

  • Sister Wayhedia

    Yes, I fill that closure is very important in a break up. If not for closue everyone involved in a relationship gone negative might hold it in there heart and when becoming involved in another relationship because no closure was every completed with the first relationship it just might have effect on the new relationship. Plus there is this thing I have which states one should never lay down their heads with a full heart or a heart full of hate or disappointment toward any human being for you know you just might not wake up and there you are with issues unresolved and the other party involved will live with this for the rest of their lives weather or not they are willing to admit it. Plus closure release the stress of it all. Just because a relationship does not work among two people they must realize we are alll sinners and can not save our selves so there for we need the help of our spiritual selves and just let go of the way in which the flesh has made us filll toward the other person involved in the relationship for it is not food for the soul. It just simply means this was not in God’s plan for the two of you to be together you can not be mad at that there. Life is short and closure in any and ever thing we do just help to complete us as individuals. closure is good no matter what the situation is. Think for a moment say it is you and you are the one who cares deeply for the person in which you were in this relationship with I promise you, that person will come to mind from time to time or there will be something to remind you of what happen and we would not want to take it out on the other person we are currently involved with. Closure is important in everthing we do, for without it there is no completion and in order to grow you must have closure in all and everything you do in order to make it complete. Life is serious and closure is very important in all phases of one’s life. So that when you lay at night you lay with a clear mind, body, and soul.
    Blessings
    One Love
    Sister Wayhedia
    Jah
    Sister Wayhedia
    Jah

  • Spinster

    Shay, you most definitely did the right thing (AKA “No Contact” rule). Keep it that way. Your whole post was great. The same thing happened with me; he was still trying to send me e-mails (which have finally stopped) and he still tries to contact my friends sometimes to find out stuff about me. Told them not to tell him anything. Hopefully one day he’ll stop bothering them and “get it” (but I won’t hold my breath because a leopard doesn’t change its spots).

  • another day..

    I think the author is doing a great job by trying to bring closure. I do acknowledge that each case is different, but I do believe that everyone deserves an explanation.

    When me and my ex broke up, we ceased to talk for about 2 years, then she reached out. I answered just to be cordial. See if your really over it, you should be able to have a civil conversation, if your not, then that explains why people cant.

    Alot of us (under 35) have all made mistkaes whether we want to admit it or not.. and none of us are the same person we were yesterday, so the thing you may be eliminating may be the very thing you need. Alot of this generation wants everything to be perfect, no cheating, money, degrees, kid situations and never look back to understand that no one is perfect, ever. Every other race understands this except ours..

    All im saying is (all) relationships are work, and sometimes people mess up, but it takes maturity to forgive and sometimes its the best gift.

    True love is unconditional..

  • Mimi in the OC

    I definitely need closure from my ex, during our little 9 months relationship he never acknowledged me as “someone worthy of being called his girlfriend”, although everything else matched the typical relationship description.
    I was the one to break up, not just because of that but also what I would call irreconcilable differences. I feel like I moved on for the most part, but the door is not completely closed. I have reached out many times to him (6 months after the original break up), for us to have a conversation and just talk about it. He does answer my phone calls and text messages, but after reaching out about once in each of the past 5 months , I finally got the picture: Not gonna happen. It hurts, because I feel almost like the existence of what we had is completely denied…
    But like I said, I moved on for the most part, I am dating, but obviously I am carrying somewhat of an open wound.

  • Dc Man with a plan

    I must commend NWSO for day in and out churning out thought provoking, fun to serious personal, growth oriented dialogue. AND if you’re doing this solo–damn, you’re really a badd boy becuz seems to me it would take a team of peeps or at least a restating of something you read somewhere else to keep it this lively and interesting…..I respect your personal struggles and the way in which you are going about handling them. Personally, I think closure is over-rated…..but I’m ol’school for sure. My dad wasn’t there and I didn’t miss him then and don’t miss him now. I have never had real issues with an EX, no bricks through the window, no hate thrust my way and most of the time there wasn’t discussion as much as two people just moving on with their lives. Accept for my divorce. That took a minute cuz she did some dirty ish….but time has resolved that and today we are civil. It’s all business about the kids, no friendly banter, no how was your day B/S, but that’s all I need. I admire peeps who can invite their EX over to the crib for holidays: I read Erika baydou does that–my kids gonna need to get used to celebrating TWO holidays cuz that ain’t happening with me and their mom. Lets think about closure….How do you know what you’re being told is the TRUTH? Your gut instincts–the same gut instincts that led you into a relationship with this person–whom it turns out is the wrong one for you? I have been asked for closure…and found myself telling her what I thought she would PREFER to hear, cuz the truth ain’t always pretty…….This morning Steve Harvey said at funerals–it’s okay to lie about the deceased because that’s what everyone wants to hear. Add closure to my list of times when it’s okay to lie…After all, you either believe what your told or don’t, but since it’s ultimately up to you…why not just go with your own mental version and let it be? What if your dad or EX don’t have the skills or capability to accurately articulate WHY they did whatever it was they did or didn’t do to you, two or twenty years ago? WTF does that have to do with who I choose to be today? Closure is cool when you can get proof it’s true…otherwise, to hell with that noise. I’ll makeup my own narrative and keep it moving.

  • Dc Man with a plan

    I’m feeling ELL and Shay. Karma, mother theresa…lol….Yeah, boy. I do not understand why Bobby couldn’t buy a clue and figure out ol’girl wasn’t feeling him, though as a man, I know we often like to fantasize that NO woman can ever get over us…that no woman, once shes tasted of what we have to offer–ever really wants to move on…We always want to be a thought in the back of your mind….especially if we see you or hear of you……AND women often have problems moving on…..Ask the next dude–sometimes we can SEE you’re really not ready to move on or to be dating again. I think Bobby is playin game..or his nose is WIDE opened cuz he is not acting like what I think is typical of a man…We move on rather easily….There are ALWAYS more fish in the sea…….Some of y’all women get that….Most don’t seem to. All you gotta do is not reply to me TWICE and I’m done. I’m always on the lookout for signs things ain’t the same, lest I be the last one to know. Which is not to say I haven’t put my heart and soul in it…love all vulnerable and exposed….But I recover quickly, cuz I got things that need to be done….

  • Dc Man with a plan

    @ Semora….Your words are deep and poetic and have the “sound” of truth when all in the universe is as it should be. Can’t walk thru a new door without closing the previous door, lest bad things keep happening…….universal love…help for the poor….I hit your unattended parked car and leave my REAL contact information….someone finds your cell phone and returns it without making any international calls…THEN you awaken to smog, swine-flu, uninsired and under insured people; hustlers at every corner, every other email, ALL snail mail are solicitations……H E L L O ???? This is not THAT world you dream of. But I dig your dream. Keep hope alive!

  • July

    For me getting closure and moving on really has zilch to do with what the other party has to say about things. Just like Elle I see no need for the dramatics of a final conversation or anything of the kind to gain closure about anything.

    Maybe I’m just weird but even if the final confrontation were to happen how I came to it is how I will leave, be it angry, depressed, hurt whatever…someone elses perspective really won’t change anything for me so I find its just best to deal with it by myself.

  • Soulyn

    Today’s post def. made me think of a distant ex. It’s alot easier when I don’t think about it and just pretend like it never happened .
    I was the mother of our unborn child and had to make a decision on my own. My ex did not even believe I was carrying and told me not to contact him again. So I did what I had to do for me. Following through with the procedure alone was terrifying. Thank goodness for best friends. They were there to pick me up when I literally couldn’t walk. I’ve tried to bury my feelings towards what took place between us and how it all went down. But today’s post caused me to accept all the negative feelings I’ve carried towards the ex and I actually feel some kinda way about him, us and our unborn child. I don’t regret my decision because I doubt I’d be where I am today, had I carried for 9 months. I wish things were handled differently. For years I’ve wondered how he really felt after hearing the news. Since he didn’t know what I had planned to do, does he ever wonder if he has a child here on this earth, along with many other questions.

    I’d really like to talk to him about what took place, but will I ever get that chance, who knows. Until then I’ll continue living my life.

  • Frantzie

    Is closure ever really enough??? In a perfect world, it would be awesome for a man who decided that he no longer wanted to be with me sit me down for a conversation, and said “You are terrific, but I just don’t feel we’re match.” And, then I could move on and live my full happy life. But, that’s just not the case. Breaking up is hard to do period. It’s hard to tell someone you don’t like them or don’t want to be with them anymore. At the end of the day those feelings of resentment and disappointment still linger. Closure does not make that disappear. YOU, the individual, make that CHOICE to make those feelings disappear…man or woman.

    As for Bobby, he’s learning for his mistake. The price he has to pay. The only way he’ll learn. So he has to keep missing her friendship! And hopefully, he won’t be so clueless next time.

  • July

    @ Frantzie

    Well said! It really is up to the individual to make that decision to deal with the feelings they have and move on.

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @July

    I hear you but I guess I’m looking at it like not living life with regrets. Sometimes you always wish you could have said something to someone when you had the chance—good or bad. So I’m learning that there are times where it’s not necessarily what the other person has to say but what I have to say or get off my chest. Whether it be an apology or a big fuck you. On the other side, some times it’s good to hear someone acknowledge their own faults and if not then at least you know once and for all that they’re an ass aka not the person you thought they were but at least you made the effort.

  • M A R C R OO S E L E R

    Hmmm, it would seem that closure is more needed by women then it is for men. I think it’s needed more by the offending party who finds themselves realizing they fucked up and trying to find some forgiveness from the person they hurt. In that case the hurt party whether understanding or not, does not owe the offending party jack or shit. Keep it moving I say, heal on your own, and no, we can’t be friends, if you knew you were doing something hurtful and did it anyway, fuck off! Closure sounds more like the guilty party trying to hold onto what they fucked up. Take care of the individual, seek counseling, if you’re religious/believer, talk to your god(s), get together and wallow until you find strength, but if they hurt you that bad for you to break up, being friends will only remind you of the pain and the amount of trust that was violated. The only proof that this person will never do it again is not remaining friends.

  • Mrs. Wanderingheart

    I totally agree with the concluding photo, God will…. because He will.
    In past relationships it depends on how it ended to determine if one NEEDS closure and I’ve never reached out to anyone from my past because I feel that whats done is done, and what more can be said that wasn’t said before…. I’ve had two guys from my past reach out one was my “Bobby”; same scenario, cheated on me and I had no interest in what he had to say…. but I did listen so I could gloat about it LOL. The first time he called was to tell me he was getting married (TO THE GIRL HE CHEATED WITH) I wished him well (i had already heard it through the grapevine and it really didnt affect me)…. called again during his marriage, by this time I’m married too, telling me it wasnt working out it was the worst mistake he made, how are things with me, could we reconcile somehow and be friends… WTF??? hell no was my response, and I told him to lose my #….. called again, just this year to say his DIVORCE was final, and he wish we could just get together to talk, that was the cut off point… told him off, hung up while he was rambling some apology, haven’t heard from him since. There was no closure needed in that instance and I’m glad I talked to him too because now I feel some sense of “yeah thats wat ya get fa cheatin on ME N****”, but i do feel sorry that it didnt work out for him (yeah rite, u reap what u sow).

    The other guy, well thats another story, cuz after talking to him I realized that I did need closure. We were together for about 3yrs and stopped talking after an argument (petty as it was) and we hadn’t talked in like 2yrs… saw him and I felt like wow, I miss this dude, cuz we started as friends, and we really did have a good relationship…. started talking again and I think we made an attempt at figuring out what happened to us and if we can be friends now…. result, its still unresolved and I determined that we cant be friends… so we’re back to not talking again. It was soooo good catching up, but it was so weird. In a way we do have closure… we realized we were not meant to be, we were better as friends and because we didnt have that “closure” we cant be friends now…. so next lifetime the one that got away…

  • Swaylah

    DC man with a plan…I have to partly agree with what you are saying. I have a baby daddy, and we have 2 kids together.Yes, they are both his…we had an on again off again relationship for about 10 years…We loved each other deeply…but it was so deep that we could not be together…if you know what i mean. I loved him enough to let him go and live his life…it is quite difficult to live your life going thru trials and tribulations and being heartbroken all at once! Anyways, I had to learn to (on my own) fuck the bs..cuz we got kids together…and regardless if we was together or not…he was gonna be in these kids lives…not until recently did I finally find closure. On one occassion that I dropped my girls off to him for the weekend…I let him know that I really like how our relationship was now. We were cool, we could talk to each other civilly, hell we even hang out with the kids together at the same time. Yes I talk to his girlfriend and let her know also, that I am not trying to get him back.( I could see the worried look in this girls face)but no, that is not my purpose, that I respected their relationship…and I have moved on with my life…told her I was pleased to meet her! Damn! I swear I am the best babymama!!!LMAO!! Is that closure for you or what!

    He, on the other hand…is having a difficult time letting go!! But that is something he has to deal with on his own. If he got questions…ask…ain’t no shame in me…I spit the truth!

  • http://www.guerillaartist.com Deka

    Closure is the best thing you can do to move on in life. Ignoring those feelings will grow like cancer and eat you alive.

    Sometimes getting your heart ripped out your chest helps. Soft break ups are worst because there is still something left.

    I once had a break up where I wanted to leave, but like a coward I let my ex step forward and end it, because I didn’t want to live with the notion that I was the one that ended the relationship. Sucker move for sure. Years have gone by and I don’t have any intentions to tell her that, and I think we wont benefit from any more closure at this point.

    great post man!

  • The_RYL

    Closure . . . I once thought I needed it. But recently I’ve found it just doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, whatever it was, it is over. And believe me, for me to be able to say that is extraordinary because I have been known to examine an event/comment/situation to the original atom . . . driving me and everyone else crazy!

    I’ve been focusing on my spritiual side and have come to realize it’s God’s will and if I believe, I have to go with the flow. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or I’m Gandhi or anything, but I’m learning to not stress on what was, and/or what I really can’t control/change. What’s the saying? Why ask why?

    I was emailed the following quote (don’t know the author) recently and felt it was right on time:

    “There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So, don’t worry about people from your past . . . there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”

  • DJ CEO

    this is a really good one Ans. Closure is very important. My ex of 7 years have been broken up for 5 years now. We didn’t have closure really until early this year. And not closure in the manner of why we broke up but more so of both of us being over each other at the same time. At one point I wasn’t over her but she was over me and then visa versa. Now we are good. And I’m happy. Hope she is too.

  • LolitaBaby

    This is a really good post. Me, personally, my whole thing with relationships, with others and with myself, is honesty. Being honest about what I feel, why I feel it, what I want, and what I really need.

    Closure for me is being able to accept my emotions but still see the reality for what it is. I feel no need to hold grudges, we’re all human. Even if the other person broke up with me, I’ll be really hurt and sad and upset with the person, but can I really get on their case because they’re doing what they think is best? Having been on both sides of the equation, I just take it for what it is because our relationship is still just a chapter in our own individual journeys.

    If I have the opportunity to, I definitely express to my ex why I need to do what I need to do for myself, and also encourage them to do what they need to do. Most of the time that means I need to cut off all communication for a period of time, and I ask that they respect the fact this is what I need for me. I gotta tend to my wounds before I go back to a potential battle with love. Everyone needs it, but some people don’t wanna deal with the hard work and pain that comes with closure.

  • Dc Man with a plan

    @ Swaylah…Who you kidding? I do NOT think you sound like someone who has moved on–even though you told his new girlfriend that. Everything that comes out of the mouth isn’t truth….You think he’s having a difficult time getting over you? But he’s the one with a replacement partner? Maybe he’s still trying to holla at you cuz you had the bomb sex, but that ain’t the same as wanting you back..be careful you don’t get it twisted by convincing yourself your over him…….I feel for Soulyn becuz she had an abortion after getting pregnant by a dude who didn’t want to acknowledge THEY made a baby…THAT’s tough….But he was a dyck so though you can never forget the child that could have been…You shouldn’t waste any brain energy dwelling on him and what he might think about having a kid in the world…….LADIES, for real…If you’re accepting calls from dude, hanging out at the same places y’all used to go…..U are NOT over him. When you stop talking to him and about him; stop accepting his emails and discourage mutual friends from mentioning him…THEN you ova dude. Otherwise, it’s just a facade…in your mind. And the mind–is a terrible thing to waste on those who are undeserving of your time and energy

  • ice

    Wow…really touching blog today. Muco kudos..
    This “closure” is definitely something I am working on and trying to perfect before I grow a year older. I, for some reason, have never had a problem with just stepping away from a situation. When I decide I’m done, I’m done…and, though it’s probably the easy way out, it works for me but I realize that it more often than not hurts the other person.

    Sometimes I feel like I don’t have to explain, I owe no one an explanation but also, the conversation will no doubt on some level be painful and/or uncomfortable and as long as I feel like that’s going to be the sentiments felt…I want to stay far far away from it.

    I ran into THE ex a couple of years ago at this random spot in Brooklyn. I saw him before he saw me and I was seriously STUNNED…hands sweating, heart racing etc etc….we ended up speaking that night, he emailed me the next day and several days after and a few more days after that…the emails still sit in my inbox and I will NEVER answer them….like your girl here…whatever he has/had to say, I made it a point to stop caring a long time ago. Whatever closure is to be had there I guess, maybe I’m not ready for…or maybe I already found it and don’t need to take a journey with him again for him to find it too…

  • http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

    I think closure is a must when you really love somebody. I think the reason people have no need for closure is because that relationship(or lack there of) just didnt mean that much to you. But when you love somebody more than yourself it continue to hurt even after. For most people just saying somebody is more important than themselves is almost impossible and this is why a lot of relationship fail.

    Now no two people are the same ,but if you truly let another person into yourself I dont see how the out come of that relationship will not effect anybody. So with that logic I dont think its crazy to want (or for so people) need the vindication like there wasnt anything more they could do. Closure also acts as a learning tool “What did I do wrong or right and what can I do better next time”.

  • Shay from L.A. (Los Angeles)

    @ NWSO

    I agree with your comment to July.

    Sometimes I regret ending things the way that I did with my ex. Nothing horrible happened between us, it was just bad timing and living in different states.

    It is very difficult to let go and have closure when things end and both parties still have strong feelings for each other. That is why he and I had a tug-of-war with staying together and breaking-up.

    Many times I feel like what I did was cold-hearted by deleting him from my life with no explaination, but at the time, I needed to do what was best to heal my heart.

    Now that I have had time to process everything and move on with my life, I feel the need to at least write him a letter and tell him why I did what I did. I know it probably isn’t a necessity for him, but it is something that I need to do for complete closure.

    -Shay

  • http://www.myspace.com/kobe81fan Shay from L.A. (Los Angeles)

    For once I actually agree with da ThRONe

  • Dc Man with a plan

    @ DaThrone….I don’t want to know what it’s like to love somebody more than myself……Is that just an empty phrase or do you really think that is possible? and what exactly does it mean if it is possible? How do I love one more than myself and provide anything of substance for either of us? to me, you have to love ones self more than all others, except possibly your own kids….I have loved a woman to the point where I would give or risk my life for hers……but that’s partially testosterone driven and a result of being a provider, a protector–the one providing security for my fam……To love one more than me would TO ME mean even if she left, I’d give my life for hers…..I can say for sho, once she’s with another dude….She gets NATHAN from me. Love for another that exceeds the love you have for yourself shouldn’t EVER result on getting to a point where you wouldn’t do for her whether you’re with her or not…That my friend is NOT normal, natural and ain’t happenin with me. If you work like that–mo power to you. I’m on a different kinda love trip.

  • http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

    @DC Man with a plan

    Let me tell you it is very possible and was the greatest feeling and worst feeling of my life! IMO loving somebody else more than you do yourself is the only way to love. Anything short of this will lead to break-ups and divorce. If you cant you should even attempt to be in a relationship IMO. Negative thing is you leave yourself open to be somebody doormate ,but life are about risk if you dont wanna take any have yourself commitment to a psycho ward and never leave.

  • Dc Man with a plan

    I don’t know where you get that Hallmark card attitude from, but no one can define how love happens or should happen for everyone in the world. I contend you have to love yourself more than anyone else other-wise you don’t know what love is. Work with that, partner……But you didn’t describe WHAT that means, how it works, what it looks like, feels like….Cuz form what you’re saying, once you love , you should NEVER be over that person…….cuz you love her more than you love yourself. Where can you go from there? It can’t be that you’re gonna find 2, 3 people in LIFE that you love more than yourself? So if that relationship doesn’t work out–you’re DONE? Forever? naw, partner, I think you’re playing with words and making shyt sound smooth…sound like a wreckage…I ain’t with that. I love deep but lets get real, I love me enuff to always have something to live for……to be able to keep pushing if shyt don’t work out…cuz it’s ALWAYS gonna work out with myself…Cuz I love me some me!. people kill themselves when they break up with someone they love more than themsleves…know why? Cuz they love someone else–more than themselves. What U got to live for after that person is gone?

  • litrisha

    I think closure is a professional approach, but also it depends on what the situation was and how it went down. My Ex and I, I really can’t recall if we had closure, I just had to change my number but he still has my email address.
    Closure would be good because if you happen to see that person on the street or wherever then it would not be so awkward. If I see my Ex again, with a female or not, I would speak…….just out of consideration. I’m not with the drama!

  • stiring the pot

    WOW, we do get excited about our stuff don’t we? This topic is a good one to discuss, because a lot of people don’t really know what closure is. Does it mean you have to talk to someone and find out what the hell happened? Does it mean you have to confront someone because they did you wrong? Do you have to e-mail them endlessly, or leave unanswered voice mails. Do you need to have one last conversation, just in case there was something from a long ago relationship that you forgot to say. NO! NONE of that. Closure simply means forgiving the situation, whoever was at fault and letting it go. The only reason to talk to an ex is if you have unfinished business, i.e kids, money, etc. No other reason. You don’t need their blessings to move on with your own fabulous life. You just keep living it fabulously. What if you never get to talk to that person who wronged you, walked away or just never contacted you again, (death, just didn’t really care about you at all, was just using the situation for their own personal gain, or just not feeling you), What Then? how do you get closure? Do you stew in it for the rest of your natural life. No!!! Please no. Pray about it and turn it over, and let it go in the wind like so many leaves blowing in the breeze. The problem isn’t not getting closure, the problem is people think, especially the one left behind is “What the hell was wrong with me that you did that to me or why didn’t you love/like me enough to stay?” or Whatever it was. So closure is not the answer. “What the hell is wrong with me?” is what you are seeking. Look in the mirror and ask yourself that question, Then except the answers that you are given and work with that. Work on your stuff, your shyt. Make yourself pleasing to God, and you will never need closure on anything again. Because you will know that you are alright in Gods eyes. And nobody can take that away from you ever.

    Just my 2 cents worth

    TEA

    • TMS

      Best post I’v seen here yet. My ex gf of 5 years, 4 of which we lived together, split up with me over the phone while I was 2000 miles away visiting family. She moved out before I returned home. I was hurt deeply and still am and its been about a month. She texted me several times after the split asking me things like “do you know where you put my curling iron when you cleaned the apt before you left” , “hopefully this isn’t a final goodbye”, “can we be freinds” and ” I want to meet when you get back so I can get closure.” She dunps me unceremoniously and is badgering me about meeting with her so she can get closure….ain’t gonna happen. I will find the closure I need by eventually looking at the relationship with a clear head and not focusing on all the good stuff. How she finds her closure is no longer my concern.

  • Ms P

    Great post!!! I am like alot of people on here. If you screwed me over, I don’t need closure from you! I have my own closure & I slam the damn door on you!!! My ex has been emailing me for the past 8 mos off & on. For months I ignored him. Finally I was having a really bad day so I sent a nice nasty FIRM reply back. Did that fool get the message? NO! He is still sending me pathetic emails every couple of months. He is my “Bobby”. Ughhhh!!! How you leave someone’s life determines if you can re-enter their life. If they left on $%^& terms, leave it alone. If you put trash on the curb, do you think about it & bring it back in? No, because if you do it will smell up your whole house. Think of ex-lovers, friends, etc like that. There is a reason that you got rid of them, leave it alone. Don’t let them back in to “funk” up your domain! You can talk to someone until you are blue in the face. If they don’t want to listen, they won’t. I don’t like to waste my time. At my age now, I am just as thankful for the open doors as I am with the CLOSED doors! I praise God when a door is closed because I know that He is protecting me from something that is harmful to me & pushing me toward my greater good in a different direction. Life is too short & too precious to waste it on regrets. There is a better person for you, whether it is romantic or platonic, there is someone BETTER for you. I have the gift of good-bye.

  • Lushus2One

    I don’t need closure. When and if a person decides to fade from my life. So be it. If I care for them deeply I would hope that they would have care enough to share with me why. If not….I will go through what I am going to go through to get to the other side regardless.The folks that are truly honest in why they no longer desire your presence in their lives….IMO…..are few and far between. I have decided long ago to not be so moved by other people’s actions. It’s too draining emotionally to be sittiing around trying to figure out why they are no longer there. I will take that energy and use it elsewhere. They have their reasons and if they want me to know they will share, if not the world will still turn.

  • Nikki

    I tried to get some closure the other day, after a 3 month hiatus, but was unsuccessful. I must admit I enjoyed hearing his voice. Oh boy, did I. But now he is texting me without prompt and sending pics. Rrrgh.

  • http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

    @DC Man with a Plan

    My point is simply this if your going half-ass something why even waste your time? IMO not giving your all is a half-assed way to love and is the cause for most of break-ups.

  • Neska

    In a number if breakups there may always be some unanswered questions but do u really need the other person for closure? Foul stuff happens and if you want to get over it, YOU have to let got of it, especially if the other person isnt tryna hear you. When you let go, that’s when you have closure, if the other person wants to hold on, its’ on them

  • http://www.myspace.com/curvywitdreads904 Ms Curvy Wit Dreads 904

    Closure is something that I look at now as a gift. Just because you want it, doesnt mean you will always get it, so when you do, treat it as something special because in essence it is the missing piece to that puzzle of confusion.
    Personally I dont seek closure in all situations because we have all had situations where we may have cried, pleaded, begged, “yell scream an’ shout” to the one who left us hanging, but that didnt always give u an answer. When u sit there and lose sleep and experience sadness or grief about something bein over with no explaination, u givin that other person too much power over you. while u’re tossin n turnin…they aint studyin u one bit n havin the time of their life. Dont sweat the things in life u have no control over. If there is nothing in ur physical capability as a human being that will make that person want to get back with u, then why drag that baggage along. i know its easier said then done, but when people realize that a good deal of what they go thru (i.e. drama, fuckery, etc), can be eliminated by Y-O-U.
    Quick point. I ran into my ex (1st everything @ 15 yrs old) back in ’08 after not seein him for 6 yrs. We had been off n on from time i was 15 til 20. He met a broad online flew her to town to visit him…and didnt tell me about it til 2 wks b4 she arrived (yeah, i know!) anyways..i told him on that day @ age 20 that if he let her come there that we would be finished 4 good. he didnt believe me because we had 5 yrs history so he thought he could come back. well let me tell u, when i saw him again @ 26, it was NOT the same. I closed that door and out of bein nice let him in, but even after 6 yrs could get no solid reason as to why he did some of the things he did, BUT he expected us to pick up where we left off. I told him i was a different person..a WOMAN..not the girl u knew and a weight was lifted off my shoulders when we broke up. He was crushed cuz he couldnt believe his hold had been broken. Just goes to show u, i didnt need closure…and after all that time, i still didnt get it, but i moved on and learned my own lessons from it.

    “Cut it off, let it go, start anew..”

    • http://www.facebook.com/aruna.advaney Aruna

      Thanks. This post is really helpful. :)

  • DC Man with a plan

    @ DaThrone…..I respect and appreciate your opinion regarding this thread. This is my last post on this tpoic. I don’t consider loving a woman to mean I have to love her more than I love myself. I think self love is your deepest committment, your best love and it sets the stage for what you can give to others. I was married for 20 years, did 20 years on the military, so I think I know a thing or two about committment. Often people use words and phrases that they can not define. All I asked is what it means to YOU, to love someone more than yourself. To me, if it means, a woman can verbally, physically or mentally abuse you–and you take it becuz you love her more than you love yourself–that’s not for me; If it means kissin someones azz 24/7 but they can barely stand to be in your presence–thats not for me; if it means you give 80 % in a relationship while receiving 20% back–that ain’t for me. I define love as being willing to go out of my way to make my baby-girls life easier, pleasant, fulfilling. It means I am willing to make sacrifices, to be considerate beyond the norm, to be doubly respectful, to cater to my woman’s needs, to deny myself some of the things I enjoy or used to enjoy doing–if it makes my baby feel uneasy or neglected. To provide for and protect. To often state how I feel about my baby. To work my hardest to continuously be honest, honorable, trusting and willing to compromise. THAT’s some of what I mean and am about when I tell a woman I love her. But telling a WOMAN I can not love her more than I love myself should not be a problem once I SHOW her what I mean when I say I love her. All I’m saying is what does it mean to YOU–to tell a woman you love her more than you love yourself cuz that ain’t possible for me–and I have yet to find a woman who thought that was a problem.

  • http://goddessesrising.blogspot.com goddessjaz

    since i’m ringing in late…this discussion makes me wonder if there’s a statute of limitations on “closure.” how long can you seek closure? i’m feeling what “stirringthepot” said…”do you stew in it for the rest of your natural life?” i saw myself going down that road and had to close the door to save myself. its funny though, once i decided to create that closure for myself, i was equipped to handle any emails, voicemails, sightings because i was in a secure place.

    it appears that there are tons of people trying to close situations that happened many years ago and still haunt them. and it often seems weird when someone reaches out all of a sudden after many years to settle unfinished business. i have been there and still wonder about certain situations but like many folks here I had to find that closure in myself because you may not always get the answers you want and could be waiting forever, missing out on living YOUR life. i think if we resolutely end relationships when they are over so both parties agree/understand, then you can be done and move on definitively. unfinished business will seep into other relationships…

  • Latsyrc41

    LOL @ Ms P
    “If you put trash on the curb, do you think about it & bring it back in? No, because if you do it will smell up your whole house. Think of ex-lovers, friends, etc like that. There is a reason that you got rid of them, leave it alone.”

    Thank you so much for that. It was just what I needed to hear.

    LMAO

  • DiffNames

    Closure is a funny thing…
    I think it was that Chris Rock movie “I Think I Love My Wife” that said it the best:
    “You spend you last 2 (or 3) months together, breaking up”
    Closure usually needs to happen if one or both parties are not being honest or real with themselves or one another.

    If your honest then that last 2-3 months is your closure. If your fronting or bluffing and someone calls you on your bluff or you call yourself on your own bluff you will be the one needing closure and you might leave your other feeling the same way.

    The real funny thing is after you get your closure and that person wants to get back with you. Its really too late, if you were really digging someone it takes a lot of work in your own head to come to terms with that fact that its over. After all that work why would you want to go back and undo all this effort you put into closure.

  • http://thisismethen-kt.blogspot.com/ kimkim

    I do need closure, but there are varying degrees. With some people I would like to know WHY they acted a certain way (at least I’d like to hear what reason they give bc many times, it’s still not to truth, but that’s to keep for a later day) and many times, I need to confirm my decision to step away from them. For example, hung out with my friend 2 weeks ago. Straight kicked it, had a ball, etc. He gave me a hug then left. Called me once to ask about something he left at my house, then never called, answered or returned a text, call, email. for the entire week (we talk EVERYDAY so this was weird). I was wondering what was up because this was pretty shady. We weren’t serious but we were close, you know? So, one night I called from a block number at 1 a.m. He picked up on the second ring. That let me know that I was right in my assumption that he was acting shady towards me and to let him be. I didn’t say anything, just hung up and sent a text letting him know it was me (and he was stupid for answering, lol) and that I wouldn’t ever bother him again and deleted his number. We’ve been friends for over a year and had each other’s back but I can’t deal with stuff like that. I don’t have the patience. Plus, I’d never want to be that person who KEEPS CALLING. I have an ex that does that (or did it up until I changed numbers). We broke up 8 years ago and it wasn’t so much that he’d call or text every blue moon it was that he’d want to hang out and talk everyday like we did years ago. And we have nothing in common now. Even though it’s kind of mean, I hope he got closure with that…

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @Kimkim

    You know that whole call from block number at 1am then hang up and text sounds a bit odd, right? Yeah, his AWOL-ness is a red flag, but sounds like you started playing games too with the hang up and text. If y’all never talked directly about stuff it just leaves too much open for interpretation. Honestly, if you did that to me I would just think” “What the hell is wrong with this girl? That’s some psycho shit.” No offense of course, but that would be my reaction/thought. So whether or not I was doing dirt, that move there would make me want to back off even further.
    I’m just saying

  • http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

    @DC man with a plan

    I feel you and I was in that fucked up situation where I give everything at some point and didnt get anything in return. I would never suggest anybody take that shit either ,but I think its the want to that is the “loving part”. I would compare it to a drug addiction its that urge to endure theyre shit if it means being in there presence that I think is loving somebody more than yourself. When you know without thinking about it you would die for that person is loving them more than yourself. Love makes no sense logically I would define it as a state of insanity. So if a logically person wanted no parts of that I do understand but I think anything short of this isnt love its just infatuation.

    Now Im not posting anything more cause I dont like discussing topics that bring out the bitch in me! LOL

  • http://thisismethen-kt.blogspot.com/ kimkim

    @NWSO

    Was it odd? Yes. Was it childish? Hell yes, (so I don’t take offense, lol). Did I do it in hopes that he would call back and say he was sorry or explain? NO. I did it for my own closure. I’m not the type to blow a dude up (bc I don’t like that ish) so that was jacked up IMO. My overall frustration wasn’t with him doing “dirt” (because we always communicated that we talked to other people so it wasn’t about that) but the fact that he just DISAPPEARED and I had actually gotten worried about him. But to not say anything to me for a full week then answer the phone all chipper let me know he was ok (he was doing him) and was just ignoring ME (and in turn, that makes him a dicksmack, lol).

    There is deeper back story that’s too much to write but I promise I’m not a psycho (even though that move was, lol)

  • Caribeza

    lol @ Shay from L.A.

    Finally I agree with daThrone :). —–>”I manned up and found my own damn closure! Sometimes you have to do it that way.”

  • Caribeza

    But yes, closure does make breaking up easier! It let’s you know why it’s over and let’s you not hope in vain.

    Sometimes for a lot of people it’s trying to figure out what went wrong so you could fix it and get the person back! which is why some people probably avoid giving closure .. cause they know it can’t be fixed.

    For some people it’s a way of saying “How could you! :(” and giving away the responsibility of doing “you”.

    But for a lot of people it’s a really good way at being able to look at that closed book on the shelf of your life and being able to look at it and remember the good times, but knowing that the book is closed for good and needs to stay on that shelf.

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @ kimkim

    lol at “dicksmack” what in the hell?!?!?

    lol

  • kimkim

    @NWSO

    My brother’s girlfriend’s grandfather (whew!) is a country old white man and called a guy that when he got a prank call a few yrs ago. She told me that story and that word has stuck with me since, lol.

  • englishrose

    God, grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    the courage to change the things I can;
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

    seems like just an AA prayer but i think it applies to all of us at one time or another

  • MizzRenea

    Closure is very important but for me, the unknown is what kills me. I leave stuff open so that i dont have to deal with the final chapter or the end. Me and my ex broke up 10 months ago, we never had closure and continue to remain “friends”. I dont want closure with him because i dunno what to do after that chapter of my life is completely over. He has a girlfriend and does his thing, i date and do my own as well but for some reason neither of us can bring eachother to completely close that chapter in our lives. I dunno if we ever will….

  • Marcie Hetfield

    Thiz..iz the article…that pulled me in and made me decide 2 follow ya..
    Closure…all my life…I never really thought I needed it….Then there wuz him…..The one man that I loved…not just loved…but IN LOVE with……
    Due to unfortunate circumstancez beyond both of our control….we can never see each other again…..
    No…I wuz never able to get closure….and that iz really difficult…I struggle with it every single day since it’z happened…and it’z been just over one year now…In fact…I even know thiz great guy..who iz into me…and I just sabotage the possibility of more than a friendship…because I still feel like I need 2 get thiz closure…But without bein’ able to see thiz person again….I don’t know how I will ever be able 2 achieve that…
    So….I just go about my life….keepin’ it to myself…everyone around me …iz thinkin’ I”m doin’ okay…but there’z a piece of my heart…with hiz name on it….and the slow realizationz..that not alwayz..iz closure possible…no matter how badly one may want it~

  • Pingback: Break Up Round Up | The Relationship Tip()

  • Katie

    Theres a lot of good opinions on this out here, a lot of interesting stories. I think needing closure depends on the situation and the type of person. It can be a healthy thing or pursuing closure that won’t be given can be most unhealthy as it can become an obsession. If closure is necessary in most cases it should just naturally happen. However if it hasnt happened and you feel like its needed I think you need to take some time to think about it. Think about how the relationship ended and also if your ex is the type of person who will talk things through with you. If not then maybe try once or dont even bother and create your own closure. Easier said then done obviously. Anyway like I said about the situation, if years have passed and now you all of a sudden feel like you need it, think twice cuz I dont think it’s closure you’re seeking.

    For those stories told about how they told their ex how they feel and how it is and the ex continues to call, you telling them is the closure and them continuing to call is becoming an obsession which is a different issue at hand. For those who just up and change their numbers without an explaination, thats heartless. Whatever heartless reason they gave you to make that decision, are you any better then they for doing this heartless act? I too believe in karma but I believe its up to karma to be a bitch and not you.

    The story about Julie and Bobby hit home to me. The first paragraph was like I was reading my own story, however maybe this is a first for the comments already on here but I was the Bobby. Dont judge to harshly as my story has not been told about why I did what I did but it has nothing to do with closure so that story will remain untold. Anyway Ive had a mix of emotions reading about Julie and Bobby. I know it sounds like Bobby is the bad guy for cheating and he is, but does that make Julie a saint for doing what she did? No, she irritates me. Maybe she’d be a saint if she had stopped talking to Bobby right after he cheated on her but she didn’t. she made him believe that all was forgiven and in the past by staying friends for a while. So for her to up and decide shes guna cut ties with no explaination, well cheating may be more hearless but no explaination was uncalled for. Dont get me wrong, if Bobby really needed closure, he wouldve pursued it within a few months, not 2 years later. If it truely was closure he was seeking, he needs to respect Julie and get closure himself.

    So my story, like I said just like Julie and Bobby. I made a mistake, we stayed friends and he made me seriously believe all was in the past. 2 years of freindship later he just quit being my friend cold turkey. It sent me for a loop of What and Why??? of course he didnt answer and I started have dreams about his hate towards me and I’d wake up so upset. I dont want these dreams!! They’re actually why I scoured the internet for the answers he wont give me and how I came to this site. Its all too clear now the root of his hate came years before when I had made my mistake. If he wouldve just sent me a messly text saying he doesnt want to be friends anymore that wouldve been the closure we both needed and both doors shut tight. As it is that did not happen and I need to create my own closure. So I wrote him a letter about how I felt and I now understand how he felt and I mailed it. I figured what’s the worse he could do because of this letter?? Stop talking to me? HA. Door closed.

  • 50/50

    Me and my fiance broke it off a month ago. She moved out. We havent talked. Neither of us have tried to call the other. I tried last Sunday to call and came to find her number was changed/disconnected.

    Around Easter at a party I told her I deserved better and we should part ways. she didnt respond. we didnt talk for a couple of days and then I finally realized that all wasnt bad and gave her an anniversary card. she cried. we celebrated our anniversary and had a good weekend. then Monday she states that the door is the best answer. She moves out Wed night. with who and where I dont know. no note nothing. I call the woman that set us up to let her know figuring that finance had called. I found that she was ok or had a place.

    what led to me wanting to break up: not wanting me to stay out of town when friends come into town. ( we just moved south so I dont know anyone here) usually people I know come through and its an hour drive. I catch beef for staying over for a night. no support here.

    My family said some shh before we moved. I said my piece to them but she wont have anything to do with them. she hasnt opened xmass or birtday cards sent by them. my family according to her is not welcomed at our apt.

    She accused me of wanting another girl because I knew her and turned my attention to her for a second at a club. basically said before she left that two of us should be happy together.

    said to her on 4 separate occasions where is the spark I dont feel like we used to something is different. two I was sober. the other two times I had been drinking.

    so its been a month I’ve talked with counselors, friends, family, confidants etc. half of me is saying how can we have a life together (see mentioned above) and the other half of me is feeling the good times we had and am missing that.

    So nothing was really said or closed. I asked her you dont love me anymore youre really done after we toasted 5 yrs together two days earlier.

    But actions speak louder than words: bags packed and gone quickly and number changed w/in a month. I havent tried to call email or text only that one time.

    So yeah seeking closure. trying to man up and get it. I am sad that the book seems closed or maybe sad that I got what I wanted. I know that she wont discuss me with the friend will try to change subject. Is time away good?

    Best for both of us? we were opposite personalitys but she was a pisces and I scorpio. we clicked but she didnt like hanging out with my friends and got painfully quiet. It bothered me. to the point that my friends said that they couldnt make an effort anymore because she didnt bring anything to the table. I’m thousands of miles away from where I grew up the only thing saving me is that the weather is great here.

    maybe writing this down is some closure. Why would I want to reach out after I tried to break up with her. So half of me says its right thing for both of us and the other half is sad /sentimental. but moved out without closure and now the number is changed. I guess I should have some closure through that. the fat lady is starting to sing.

  • for the better

    @ 50/50

    Wow, what a story. That’s hard. Thank you for sharing. But if she packed up and changed her number and hasn’t called in a month, I say move on. Easier said than done. You will be sad for a while but you gotta know this temporary pain is better than being stuck in a sparkless, loveless marriage. Consider yourself saved from something that would have prob led to divorce anyway. I mean she didn’t even accept your family. That just can’t work.

    I suggest you watch the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It will make you laugh. Go to comedy shows, the movies and hang with your friends. Surround yourself with people who love you and eventually the sadness will pass. It always does. That’s closure to me. You can’t always hope or wait to hear from someone to understand why a break up happen. Sometimes you gotta give yourself your own closure.

  • 50/50

    @ for the better.

    right now. going over every single detail. were we due to break before our big move south? Trying to get through the sadness. Even though In my mind we needed to do this. Still tough. Sounds like a flip flop but when it was good it was just me and her. She had no friends that she hung out with. ( she from s. america) But after a while couple of years it gets old. I mean I cant be up all the time. I love her but c’mon. that’s just not life. the family thing. I could live with the fact that her and my sister and mom didnt hang out. but shutting them out. how do you start a family with that? really pushed me away from her I mean that’s not attractive. Other girls I would talk with would laugh and smile. And they started to be more attractive. a red flag that shouldnt have happened. Right now its deally with the sadness of its over and living with my decision.

    Thanks for response for the better it helps

  • joanthan

    this is excelent

  • Todd

    After reading the responses to this blog it seems to me that women more often than men are ready to “move on”, “lock the door” or whatever metaphor you want to use, although I guess it’s usually the one breaking up that doesn’t need any explanations, no matter sex.

    I know break ups aren’t easy, and never will be (well, unless you’re an ice cold ass who doesn’t really love anyone), but still I have one question: How is it possible for those who break up to do so without giving the other part proper closure, thus making it so much more difficult to move on for the ones they just days, weeks or months before thought of as life partners? One moment you’re willing to share everything with a person, the next you don’t have an hour to talk things through? To me that spells “selfishness”, not “love”.

    To not be in a relationship together does not mean that it’s not possible to treat eachother in a humane way. In this regard I’m dissapointed with the human race.

  • 50/50

    Well, it’s been about a month and a half maybe more no communication. I have started getting the bat off my shoulder. Have I closed the door, closure.. cant say but sitting around the house pouting doesnt help. People say hit the gym, get some “me” time clean your head etc. Well, I have been hitting the town and getting as many numbers as I can. This has led to a couple of closures if you know what I mean. Still have thought of the ex. The fun I have been having has helped but I am not fully closed yet because we havent talked and I think in some way have been holding onto the dream of me and fiance happily ever after. My mind playing tricks on me. But you never know when love will be knocking on your door again. Just trying to enjoy life the highs and the lows.

  • Doon

    That’s a beautiful blog… Closure is so important its one thing to start something with someone and go on a long journey with them. But its also very important how relationships end. Closure makes it all the better and helps us move on with our lives rather than ending on bad terms and wondering from time to time how thing would be if it had not ended the way it did. and always having curious thought about how one is and how they are doing with their life… in my opinion closure helps free your heart, mind, and spirit. It helps to let go, and even become a stronger and better person when moving out of some one else is life on good terms.

  • http://? Charity

    I was studying different variables on relationships & came to this site. I enjoyed immensely reading all of the prior blogs. After pondering a few old relationships, here are my thoughts: First, let’s start with the definition of closure….”The act of closing, or the state of being closed”…”A bringing to an end; conclusion”…” A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience”. I believe you have to consider the relationship, the temperature of the relationship before it came to an end….so to speak. I mean, we all know when something’s not right, when certain actions or conversations initially started bringing about a change. I know there are a few relationships where everything appeared to be fine & bam, out of nowhere the other person switched up, but even with those some things have to be considered. For example: Was this someone who was already involved with another person, you two started something, for one it could possibly flourish into something more meaningful, but for the other, it was just about having a good time…they knew they couldn’t continue, so they fade out. If that’s the case: GO FIGURE! There are so many situations and scenarios. Here is one thing that will help you in the future. Know the character of the person you’re dealing with. You know some folks are jive to begin with, Duh? Why would I waste my time trying to figure out what went wrong…it was wrong from jump street! Now, that’s easier said than done, I know, but you know because hindsight is always 20/20…when we really think back…one might ask, why am I really looking for closure? Closure seems to take out the “wondering” of what has happened. But like someone said in another blog, are you still really getting the truth? Keep your dignity at all times, will save you from having to make apologies later. If you know in your heart your intentions are for good towards someone, you won’t lose sleep at night. Self control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. At the end of the day, you’re only responsible for YOUR actions. One last thing, my friend to keep in mind along this journey….People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a Lifetime…it’s up to us to know. Here’s a pearly nugget: In the natural realm, we study to take a test, in the Spirit realm, we get the test first! May God richly bless you & for all that, that you feel you may have lost, may he multiply it for you & make those dark days, appear as if they never were! Peace….

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  • Anonymous

    Man, this is the best blog i have ever visited!! Is a Closure a good thing? For me and my situation, (oh my here goes ) I have been w/my ex close to 5 years. Granite I met him after I got a divorce, ( 2months after ) met him on an online dating site, it was perfect playing house, with a dog, a kid, and him and I. To make the long story short, within the last year of our relationship *( this year 2009 ) everything just started to fall apart…From havin’ my sibling move in w/us because she was trying to get back on her feet, our fianancial status has been pretty challenging and very stressful, then our intimacy was GONE….like totally gone, we couldn’t have sex because (one) he couldn’t get it up, that killed me. Been several times where he couldn’t get it up, and he always told me that it was a ” mind ” thing. ( plus it did happen before to his other girls – so he says..) That killed me, the first couple times i just said it was ” okay ” but when it started to happen again and again,,i just said ” Eff it. ” So that’s why we parted. No one cheated, just financial situations, the loss of intimacy, and the extra head in the house……So we are going to meet for one final dinner, to exchange the ” financial commitments ” like bills, exchange personal belongings, that dude, packed up his stuff while i was @ work, and took the easy way out.. Didn’t even say bye to my daughter. Who called him ” Dad . ” For cying out loud… Gosh i know i sound bitter, I am CRAZY for still wanting him back.. But seeing him to ” exchange ” and talk about closure is makin’ me sick.. :( So i’m not sure if Closure is a good thing…for me. I don’t think i’m ready for that…Help?

  • LaLa

    Not until today did I think closure was so very important. I met someone on vacation about 6 months ago, and we clicked ever since. 2 hour phone convos, pix exchanging, daily texts. He flew me out there twice to visit, introduced me to all His friends as his girl, I allowed myself to opened up to trust again, which I haven’t done in about 5 years. It was long distance but it worked for me, I was happy and he seemed as if he was too. Then I get no returned call or texts EVER! I lost my mind and it scared me, the fact that he’s 2k miles away I’ll never see or talk to him again. I had never been so hurt. I just felt the need to talk to him, to know y what happened, how can we be planning our next trip and u just disappear??! Then I googled how to get closure, cause I didn’t know what to do. Do I writed him? Tell him how I feel?? Or do I just accept that fact that he is gone for good and move on. Idk what couldve happended…

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @LaLa

    Yeah, that sounds real odd. As far as your desire for closure and questions it’s really about what you want and need. Of course, knowing what the hell happened would be great but some times in life we never get that unfortunately.

    Feel free to send him a letter or call or text etc to express your feelings (i.e. just hoping you’re okay because you just fell off the face of the Earth) but if you get no response to that just cut your losses and move on. He may or may not reappear down the line, but you can’t drive yourself crazy focusing on the what happened factor. As a person you deserve an answer but that doesn’t mean you’ll ever get it.

  • Nobody

    You write, “to beg her forgiveness for how I treated her during our relationship and never acknowledging her as someone worthy of being called my girlfriend (I’ll write about that in depth at a later date).”

    Well..it’s a later date. And I need you to write about this in depth to help me come to terms with the intriciacies or simplisities of the male mind. I didn’t get closure from HIM–so the next best thing is insight… Why are there some girls that guys never feel compelled to upgrate to “girlfriend” status?

    Thanks.

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @Nobody

    I’ll have to dig back into that frame of mind, but I’ll get to it just for you.. :)

  • Nobody

    Yaaay! Thank you :-) I appreciate that…can’t wait for the passage!

  • Gary

    All of this is really intense! And why not, given the depth of the relationships. I think one person said a relationship is like a lazy boy recliner. When its over, drag it out to the curb … it’s trash and serves no further useful purpose. Others talk about closure in more moderate terms.

    Life is brutal for all of us; no one will make it out alive. Nevertheless, we try to live our lives the best we can. We try to find as much happiness as we can. Sometimes I find myself becoming angry at people trying to climb the corporate ladder. They seem cold and ruthless, ready to step over anyone in an effort to climb one more rung. I reflected that some people can be the same in personal relationships … cold and ruthless. Now, I’m not referring to a relationship where a partner is obviously abusive. I’m speaking strictly about two honorable people who became part of a loving relationship but then one or the other decides there might be aspects of it they do not want to live with. That can happen. However, is it honorable or self-serving for one partner to make that determination and drag the recliner to the curb? To simply tell the other person its over and slam the door shut? I think not. All of us have hearts and feelings. All of us are trying to get through life the best way we can. The end of an honorable relationship is difficult any way you look at it. I think when two people come together to consider a loving relationship, both parties are looking for and expecting to be treated with kindness and respect. Provided no abuse occurred, why would that kindness and respect change if one partner decides to end the relationship? Oh, I can hear the alibi’s pour out with people worrying about the other party “Not getting it,” or “Afraid the emotional attachment will re-develop.” If the relationship persisted for a while and people expressed love for each other, I think the person being cut has a right to expect a measure of kindness and closure. At the least, I would expect that the person cutting off the relationship would politely and firmly tell the other person of their thoughts and then give them the right to respond. For a long time if necessary, but with the same polite and firm acknowledgement that its over. The person who is cut off, may feel intense grief and other emotions. It might take time to close the wound. I say, give him/her that time. As time goes by, the wound will heal and they’ll move on. That is the healing process. Simply cutting someone off who loves another leaves the open wound that can persist for years. Life’s too short for that stuff. If you’re in doubt … do the kind thing. In life there is a law of reciprocity. How one handles things can often come back again.

  • Lorie

    We all mistakes, so if someone asks for closure and you can give it, try . It was I who broke up from my HS first love on wrong accusations. But as wrong as they were, it was a twist of fate. I like to believe I was in good faith but to this day, I still carry the guilt not of my decision but of hurting him at that time. It’s been 30 years and I think it messed me up more than him. I never fell in love again nor gotten married inspite of plentiful suitable admirers. I will give anything to have 1 chance to just set the record straight. I csn not fathom being buried with this secret. I carry a displaced guilt , no matter , I need closure ! If only ….. if only ……

  • Wendie

    Purposely not giving an ex closure after a relationship ends is THE SINGLE most narcissistic, self-centered thing someone can do to someone, and is actually a HALLMARK of narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder included.

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  • jojo

    usually I tend to look for closure, because I feel the need to explain everything in my head, and just move on with my life,that makes me feel less guilty as i see the truth right in front of my eyes… So it was the case with my ex, some months ago, I really fell in love with him, he cheated on me and started getting distant… I had my last conversation with him and had him say “you’re a very lovely girl and I was wrong!!” it ended here… and then, I got into something else with someone else, something quite different were things were faster than ever before… but somehow we managed to split because of… well right I still haven’t found the answer… another need for closure? yeah absolutely but as the story was quite different I fear that it might be different to get that final breakup discussion! with that ex, I fear that it might take me to an ultimate “bed” closure with him, that’s all he’s longing for, he said his dreams are haunted by a last night with me… he’s not worth it, but is the closure worth it? seriously, i don’t know, i’m just on a transition step where everything is so unclear… maybe i am not ready to get that closure this time…