Does Closure Make Breaking Up Easier?

1 Posted by - May 14, 2009 - Uncategorized

sewing_a_broken_heart

The other night I was catching up with my homegirl Julie over drinks when the subject of her ex Bobby came up. He was her first love but they ultimately broke up because he cheated. Despite Bobby’s infidelity they managed to maintain a civil friendship for a while because they were friends first, but eventually Julie began to feel that it was pointless to maintain allegiance to a man that had betrayed her trust. However, she never relayed this message to Bobby directly, instead she just stopped reaching out and returning his calls in hopes he’d get the picture.

FLASH FORWARD about two years and Julie gets a friend request from Bobby on FaceBook. IGNORE.
A few weeks later she gets a voice mail message from him: “Hey, I got your number from So-And-So and just wanted to check in on you and say I really miss your friendship. If I don’t hear from you just know that, uhm, I love you and, well, I guess, have a good life.” DELETE.

A week or two after that Julie got a call from her grandmother saying how she ran into Bobby at the mall and he mentioned losing Julie’s number. Apparently he needed to get in contact with her about “something important.” Julie also got a call from her father recounting a similar exchange with Bobby when he called her parents‘ house a few weeks back. Needless to say, neither grandma nor daddy passed on Julie’s information to Bobby. Despite Bobby’s effort, Julie has yet to respond to him and she has no plan to.

Based on Bobby’s multi-pronged modes of reaching out to Julie, I figured he wanted one of three things. A) He realized the error of his ways and wanted to get back together. B) He was getting married or had a baby on the way and wanted her to hear it from him first. C) Because their lines of communication ended abruptly with no explanation he just needed some closure.

According to Julie, though, she could give a rat’s ass about A, B or C. Their break up was years ago and she has long since moved on. In her mind, there’s nothing else to discuss. While I saw where Julie was coming from, I tried to view things from Bobby’s perspective as well. I mean, it had to be something real important for this man to go through all these hoops and hurdles just to try to get in contact with her. I viewed option A and B as all ego-driven, but if it was option C, I could definitely feel Bobby’s pain.

Over the years I’ve had my fair share of relationships—platonic, romantic, business, family, etc—but what I’ve begun to realize is the value of closure. When I was younger, I thought only women needed closure. Any time I heard a chick say she needed “closure” I had no idea what she meant. We’re no longer dealing with each other so you go your way and I’ll go mine. But you know what? Men need closure too. At least I do.

Keeping it all the way real; I’ve got a lot of open wounds ranging from my unresolved daddy issues to my numerous unrequited crushes. Truthfully, I’ve only had one real breakup. All my other romantic relationships or dealings with women just somehow faded away with no real conversation or discussion. Someone stopped calling and the other person stopped bothering, eventually you both got the picture and moved on. The problem with that approach is that rather than dealing with the issue head-on, you merely bury your emotions under a false sense of security.

If you’ve been following my journey here for a minute you will have noticed that I’m constantly fighting with my demons and trying to better myself the best ways I know how—through closure. That’s why I finally reached out to Karen (see “Requiem For a One-Night Stand“) to explain to her why I faded out of the picture after our one and only night of intimacy. That’s why I reached out to my father [see "Dear, Father (The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote)"] to finally get some answers about why he wasn’t there for most of my life and to learn more about who I am. That’s why I recently apologized to the mother of my unborn child (see “The Untold Fact“) to beg her forgiveness for how I treated her during our relationship and never acknowledging her as someone worthy of being called my girlfriend (I’ll write about that in depth at a later date).

While I cringe at the thought of that last sentence being read publicly, the growth that I seek myself requires that I face my demons head-on. So if that means unearthing buried skeletons from my closet and possibly calling up old exes and friends like Bobby just to find closure so be it. It may have taken me 32 years but I know now that before I can ever move forward in life and find true happiness, I first have to close all these still-ajar doors to my past. Sometimes you have to take one step back just to make two steps forward. Walk with me…

How good are you at finding closure when a relationship ends? Are you the one usually looking for closure or the one running away from it? How important do you think resolving issues in past relationships are to you finding happiness in future ones? Have you ever confronted an ex or former friend about unresolved issues between y’all? How did it go? Would you do it again? Is there anybody from your past that you wish could clear the air with? Are you ready to find the closure you need?

Speak your piece…

broken-heart-god-fix

  • http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

    I never realized how important closure was until my ex never gave me mines(bitch). For the longest I took mad shit off of her and other girls because I felt like I deserved it because of how me and her broke up.

    When ever we use to talk she would make up some bullshit reason for our end(all of them blaming me). It wasnt until I realized that she was a no good hooker and she was leaving no matter what(and most likely cheated which she never fested up to) I did early on and how much I change to make her my world.

    I manned up and found my own damn closure! Sometimes you have to do it that way.

    Peace!

  • Spinster

    Closure is extremely important to me, no matter what kind of relationship it is (family, friend, romantic, business, etc.). Unfortunately, I’ve almost always had to get it on my own. Most people don’t seem to give a damn about anyone but themselves (what a superficial and narcissistic world we live in), so giving closure goes out the window.

    As the years have passed, I’ve learned to get closure on my own. It’s hard, but it’s possible.

  • Octavia

    I thought closure was important but I knw my ex will never give me that and even with it, it won’t change anything that happend so I had to just live with never having certain questions answered wether I like it or not and keep it moving. The hard part is not letting it become baggage for the next situation I guess

  • Elle

    Closure is definitely important to me. Yet and still, I always manage to find it – whether the other person involved in the scenario helps me do it or not.

    Maybe I’m just ignorant or cold hearted, who knows. But I really don’t need to have a last conversation or get answers to be able to close a chapter. For the most part, I simply assess the situation at hand, make a rational decision and that’s that. It’s kind of like formatting a hard drive. Once I deleted somebody from my life, my mind, my heart etc. that person ceases to exist in my version of the universe.

    I don’t seek answers, I don’t give answers. People really just get one shot with me, well ok, two because everybody makes mistakes. But once he/she messed it up one too many times, I remove myself from the situation never to return. Life is too short and too precious to continuosly linger in misery.

    I have a couple of “Bobbies” myself who tend to pop up on me every so often. Thanks to the internet people are able to reach out much more easily.
    Honestly, I wonder what these dudes are thinking or whether they are thinking at all. Do they take me for somebody completely gullable who is happy if a guy who showed me his ass graces me with his presence? Do they suffer from amnesia and completely deny what happened in the past?
    Quite frankly, I feel insulted when people from my past try to get in touch while completely ignoring why they are a closed chapter.
    Who am I? Mother Theresa? Or why would I be granting people closure so they can sleep better at night when in fact they deserve the pain they are going through? Karma is a bitch, deal with her when it is your responsibility to have brought her wrath upon you.
    I’ve dealt with my issues on my own. Do me the favor and do the same.

    • mery

      you clearly have not moved on, if you have, you wouldn’t still be so angry. You are in fact the one who stuck in the past. the “not giving answer”, is just you trying to hold your power in an egoistic manner. If you have reached out, you would of grown from it, and obviously you have not.

  • Shay

    I find this blog quite personal today. I have been battling my inner-demons with the idea of providing closure to my ex. You see, he and I were together off and on for a little over three years and one day (while we were in our “off” stage) I just decided to change all of my telephone numbers. I couldn’t deal with the “let’s be friends” any longer.

    Maybe I was over-analyzing, but I felt as if he was getting the best of both worlds…my frienship and support along with the opportunity to date whomever he wanted. It was painful on my end so I decided to just let it go. No explaination, no nothing. I was tired of going down the road of long, drawn out emails explaining why I wanted to break things off and wishing one another to have a “nice life” only to start talking again within two months. This time, I wanted him to know I was for real and there would be no calling or emailing in a few months, so I erased him from everthing.

    Similar to your story, he sent me emails inquiring about the number change and just like your friend I clicked DELETE everytime.

    It’s been almost a year now, and I just received two emails from him days apart “accidentally” including me on emails that were sent out to a number of people.

    Seeing his name in my inbox made my heart drop to my stomach after all this time and it led me to think about possibly replying with an explanation for my actions, but my stubborn pride tells me to LEAVE THE DOOR CLOSED.

    • Theresa

      Shay! Wow! Identical to what happened to me…I feel your pain!
      Except we are in an "off again" stage and this time it feels like it's forever….but he never gave me acceptance of the break up….and didn't respond to my break up as he normally would. It did hurt the most this time i admit…but i'm finding closure within myself….it's not that i want him back…i just wished he gave me closure….
      it's been 3 months since we last spoke and i broke it off through blackberry messenger which is like txting basically…i know that was immature of me but it is so hard to say the things i wanted to say in person or even over the phone. Reading your story made me realize i did the right thing by breaking up….for good!

    • mery

      you are clearly not moving on. not replying, is just your power trips.

  • Semora Howell

    For internal or external progress to ever be made, things must come to a close. There is a beginning, middle and end to everything, and an acknowledgement of that fact should always be made. Opening a new door without closing an old one welcomes old issues old problems old everything to walk right out behind you. I have always been a firm believer in finishing what you start is the best way to conclude. I may not always stick with things, but I do use my voice to make sure I “wrap things up” conclusively so that there isn’t a shadow of a doubt about it.

  • Sister Wayhedia

    Yes, I fill that closure is very important in a break up. If not for closue everyone involved in a relationship gone negative might hold it in there heart and when becoming involved in another relationship because no closure was every completed with the first relationship it just might have effect on the new relationship. Plus there is this thing I have which states one should never lay down their heads with a full heart or a heart full of hate or disappointment toward any human being for you know you just might not wake up and there you are with issues unresolved and the other party involved will live with this for the rest of their lives weather or not they are willing to admit it. Plus closure release the stress of it all. Just because a relationship does not work among two people they must realize we are alll sinners and can not save our selves so there for we need the help of our spiritual selves and just let go of the way in which the flesh has made us filll toward the other person involved in the relationship for it is not food for the soul. It just simply means this was not in God’s plan for the two of you to be together you can not be mad at that there. Life is short and closure in any and ever thing we do just help to complete us as individuals. closure is good no matter what the situation is. Think for a moment say it is you and you are the one who cares deeply for the person in which you were in this relationship with I promise you, that person will come to mind from time to time or there will be something to remind you of what happen and we would not want to take it out on the other person we are currently involved with. Closure is important in everthing we do, for without it there is no completion and in order to grow you must have closure in all and everything you do in order to make it complete. Life is serious and closure is very important in all phases of one’s life. So that when you lay at night you lay with a clear mind, body, and soul.
    Blessings
    One Love
    Sister Wayhedia
    Jah
    Sister Wayhedia
    Jah

  • Spinster

    Shay, you most definitely did the right thing (AKA “No Contact” rule). Keep it that way. Your whole post was great. The same thing happened with me; he was still trying to send me e-mails (which have finally stopped) and he still tries to contact my friends sometimes to find out stuff about me. Told them not to tell him anything. Hopefully one day he’ll stop bothering them and “get it” (but I won’t hold my breath because a leopard doesn’t change its spots).

  • another day..

    I think the author is doing a great job by trying to bring closure. I do acknowledge that each case is different, but I do believe that everyone deserves an explanation.

    When me and my ex broke up, we ceased to talk for about 2 years, then she reached out. I answered just to be cordial. See if your really over it, you should be able to have a civil conversation, if your not, then that explains why people cant.

    Alot of us (under 35) have all made mistkaes whether we want to admit it or not.. and none of us are the same person we were yesterday, so the thing you may be eliminating may be the very thing you need. Alot of this generation wants everything to be perfect, no cheating, money, degrees, kid situations and never look back to understand that no one is perfect, ever. Every other race understands this except ours..

    All im saying is (all) relationships are work, and sometimes people mess up, but it takes maturity to forgive and sometimes its the best gift.

    True love is unconditional..

  • Mimi in the OC

    I definitely need closure from my ex, during our little 9 months relationship he never acknowledged me as “someone worthy of being called his girlfriend”, although everything else matched the typical relationship description.
    I was the one to break up, not just because of that but also what I would call irreconcilable differences. I feel like I moved on for the most part, but the door is not completely closed. I have reached out many times to him (6 months after the original break up), for us to have a conversation and just talk about it. He does answer my phone calls and text messages, but after reaching out about once in each of the past 5 months , I finally got the picture: Not gonna happen. It hurts, because I feel almost like the existence of what we had is completely denied…
    But like I said, I moved on for the most part, I am dating, but obviously I am carrying somewhat of an open wound.

  • Dc Man with a plan

    I must commend NWSO for day in and out churning out thought provoking, fun to serious personal, growth oriented dialogue. AND if you’re doing this solo–damn, you’re really a badd boy becuz seems to me it would take a team of peeps or at least a restating of something you read somewhere else to keep it this lively and interesting…..I respect your personal struggles and the way in which you are going about handling them. Personally, I think closure is over-rated…..but I’m ol’school for sure. My dad wasn’t there and I didn’t miss him then and don’t miss him now. I have never had real issues with an EX, no bricks through the window, no hate thrust my way and most of the time there wasn’t discussion as much as two people just moving on with their lives. Accept for my divorce. That took a minute cuz she did some dirty ish….but time has resolved that and today we are civil. It’s all business about the kids, no friendly banter, no how was your day B/S, but that’s all I need. I admire peeps who can invite their EX over to the crib for holidays: I read Erika baydou does that–my kids gonna need to get used to celebrating TWO holidays cuz that ain’t happening with me and their mom. Lets think about closure….How do you know what you’re being told is the TRUTH? Your gut instincts–the same gut instincts that led you into a relationship with this person–whom it turns out is the wrong one for you? I have been asked for closure…and found myself telling her what I thought she would PREFER to hear, cuz the truth ain’t always pretty…….This morning Steve Harvey said at funerals–it’s okay to lie about the deceased because that’s what everyone wants to hear. Add closure to my list of times when it’s okay to lie…After all, you either believe what your told or don’t, but since it’s ultimately up to you…why not just go with your own mental version and let it be? What if your dad or EX don’t have the skills or capability to accurately articulate WHY they did whatever it was they did or didn’t do to you, two or twenty years ago? WTF does that have to do with who I choose to be today? Closure is cool when you can get proof it’s true…otherwise, to hell with that noise. I’ll makeup my own narrative and keep it moving.

  • Dc Man with a plan

    I’m feeling ELL and Shay. Karma, mother theresa…lol….Yeah, boy. I do not understand why Bobby couldn’t buy a clue and figure out ol’girl wasn’t feeling him, though as a man, I know we often like to fantasize that NO woman can ever get over us…that no woman, once shes tasted of what we have to offer–ever really wants to move on…We always want to be a thought in the back of your mind….especially if we see you or hear of you……AND women often have problems moving on…..Ask the next dude–sometimes we can SEE you’re really not ready to move on or to be dating again. I think Bobby is playin game..or his nose is WIDE opened cuz he is not acting like what I think is typical of a man…We move on rather easily….There are ALWAYS more fish in the sea…….Some of y’all women get that….Most don’t seem to. All you gotta do is not reply to me TWICE and I’m done. I’m always on the lookout for signs things ain’t the same, lest I be the last one to know. Which is not to say I haven’t put my heart and soul in it…love all vulnerable and exposed….But I recover quickly, cuz I got things that need to be done….

  • Dc Man with a plan

    @ Semora….Your words are deep and poetic and have the “sound” of truth when all in the universe is as it should be. Can’t walk thru a new door without closing the previous door, lest bad things keep happening…….universal love…help for the poor….I hit your unattended parked car and leave my REAL contact information….someone finds your cell phone and returns it without making any international calls…THEN you awaken to smog, swine-flu, uninsired and under insured people; hustlers at every corner, every other email, ALL snail mail are solicitations……H E L L O ???? This is not THAT world you dream of. But I dig your dream. Keep hope alive!

  • July

    For me getting closure and moving on really has zilch to do with what the other party has to say about things. Just like Elle I see no need for the dramatics of a final conversation or anything of the kind to gain closure about anything.

    Maybe I’m just weird but even if the final confrontation were to happen how I came to it is how I will leave, be it angry, depressed, hurt whatever…someone elses perspective really won’t change anything for me so I find its just best to deal with it by myself.

  • Soulyn

    Today’s post def. made me think of a distant ex. It’s alot easier when I don’t think about it and just pretend like it never happened .
    I was the mother of our unborn child and had to make a decision on my own. My ex did not even believe I was carrying and told me not to contact him again. So I did what I had to do for me. Following through with the procedure alone was terrifying. Thank goodness for best friends. They were there to pick me up when I literally couldn’t walk. I’ve tried to bury my feelings towards what took place between us and how it all went down. But today’s post caused me to accept all the negative feelings I’ve carried towards the ex and I actually feel some kinda way about him, us and our unborn child. I don’t regret my decision because I doubt I’d be where I am today, had I carried for 9 months. I wish things were handled differently. For years I’ve wondered how he really felt after hearing the news. Since he didn’t know what I had planned to do, does he ever wonder if he has a child here on this earth, along with many other questions.

    I’d really like to talk to him about what took place, but will I ever get that chance, who knows. Until then I’ll continue living my life.

  • Frantzie

    Is closure ever really enough??? In a perfect world, it would be awesome for a man who decided that he no longer wanted to be with me sit me down for a conversation, and said “You are terrific, but I just don’t feel we’re match.” And, then I could move on and live my full happy life. But, that’s just not the case. Breaking up is hard to do period. It’s hard to tell someone you don’t like them or don’t want to be with them anymore. At the end of the day those feelings of resentment and disappointment still linger. Closure does not make that disappear. YOU, the individual, make that CHOICE to make those feelings disappear…man or woman.

    As for Bobby, he’s learning for his mistake. The price he has to pay. The only way he’ll learn. So he has to keep missing her friendship! And hopefully, he won’t be so clueless next time.

  • July

    @ Frantzie

    Well said! It really is up to the individual to make that decision to deal with the feelings they have and move on.

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @July

    I hear you but I guess I’m looking at it like not living life with regrets. Sometimes you always wish you could have said something to someone when you had the chance—good or bad. So I’m learning that there are times where it’s not necessarily what the other person has to say but what I have to say or get off my chest. Whether it be an apology or a big fuck you. On the other side, some times it’s good to hear someone acknowledge their own faults and if not then at least you know once and for all that they’re an ass aka not the person you thought they were but at least you made the effort.

  • M A R C R OO S E L E R

    Hmmm, it would seem that closure is more needed by women then it is for men. I think it’s needed more by the offending party who finds themselves realizing they fucked up and trying to find some forgiveness from the person they hurt. In that case the hurt party whether understanding or not, does not owe the offending party jack or shit. Keep it moving I say, heal on your own, and no, we can’t be friends, if you knew you were doing something hurtful and did it anyway, fuck off! Closure sounds more like the guilty party trying to hold onto what they fucked up. Take care of the individual, seek counseling, if you’re religious/believer, talk to your god(s), get together and wallow until you find strength, but if they hurt you that bad for you to break up, being friends will only remind you of the pain and the amount of trust that was violated. The only proof that this person will never do it again is not remaining friends.

  • Mrs. Wanderingheart

    I totally agree with the concluding photo, God will…. because He will.
    In past relationships it depends on how it ended to determine if one NEEDS closure and I’ve never reached out to anyone from my past because I feel that whats done is done, and what more can be said that wasn’t said before…. I’ve had two guys from my past reach out one was my “Bobby”; same scenario, cheated on me and I had no interest in what he had to say…. but I did listen so I could gloat about it LOL. The first time he called was to tell me he was getting married (TO THE GIRL HE CHEATED WITH) I wished him well (i had already heard it through the grapevine and it really didnt affect me)…. called again during his marriage, by this time I’m married too, telling me it wasnt working out it was the worst mistake he made, how are things with me, could we reconcile somehow and be friends… WTF??? hell no was my response, and I told him to lose my #….. called again, just this year to say his DIVORCE was final, and he wish we could just get together to talk, that was the cut off point… told him off, hung up while he was rambling some apology, haven’t heard from him since. There was no closure needed in that instance and I’m glad I talked to him too because now I feel some sense of “yeah thats wat ya get fa cheatin on ME N****”, but i do feel sorry that it didnt work out for him (yeah rite, u reap what u sow).

    The other guy, well thats another story, cuz after talking to him I realized that I did need closure. We were together for about 3yrs and stopped talking after an argument (petty as it was) and we hadn’t talked in like 2yrs… saw him and I felt like wow, I miss this dude, cuz we started as friends, and we really did have a good relationship…. started talking again and I think we made an attempt at figuring out what happened to us and if we can be friends now…. result, its still unresolved and I determined that we cant be friends… so we’re back to not talking again. It was soooo good catching up, but it was so weird. In a way we do have closure… we realized we were not meant to be, we were better as friends and because we didnt have that “closure” we cant be friends now…. so next lifetime the one that got away…

  • Swaylah

    DC man with a plan…I have to partly agree with what you are saying. I have a baby daddy, and we have 2 kids together.Yes, they are both his…we had an on again off again relationship for about 10 years…We loved each other deeply…but it was so deep that we could not be together…if you know what i mean. I loved him enough to let him go and live his life…it is quite difficult to live your life going thru trials and tribulations and being heartbroken all at once! Anyways, I had to learn to (on my own) fuck the bs..cuz we got kids together…and regardless if we was together or not…he was gonna be in these kids lives…not until recently did I finally find closure. On one occassion that I dropped my girls off to him for the weekend…I let him know that I really like how our relationship was now. We were cool, we could talk to each other civilly, hell we even hang out with the kids together at the same time. Yes I talk to his girlfriend and let her know also, that I am not trying to get him back.( I could see the worried look in this girls face)but no, that is not my purpose, that I respected their relationship…and I have moved on with my life…told her I was pleased to meet her! Damn! I swear I am the best babymama!!!LMAO!! Is that closure for you or what!

    He, on the other hand…is having a difficult time letting go!! But that is something he has to deal with on his own. If he got questions…ask…ain’t no shame in me…I spit the truth!

  • http://www.guerillaartist.com Deka

    Closure is the best thing you can do to move on in life. Ignoring those feelings will grow like cancer and eat you alive.

    Sometimes getting your heart ripped out your chest helps. Soft break ups are worst because there is still something left.

    I once had a break up where I wanted to leave, but like a coward I let my ex step forward and end it, because I didn’t want to live with the notion that I was the one that ended the relationship. Sucker move for sure. Years have gone by and I don’t have any intentions to tell her that, and I think we wont benefit from any more closure at this point.

    great post man!

  • The_RYL

    Closure . . . I once thought I needed it. But recently I’ve found it just doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, whatever it was, it is over. And believe me, for me to be able to say that is extraordinary because I have been known to examine an event/comment/situation to the original atom . . . driving me and everyone else crazy!

    I’ve been focusing on my spritiual side and have come to realize it’s God’s will and if I believe, I have to go with the flow. That doesn’t mean it’s easy or I’m Gandhi or anything, but I’m learning to not stress on what was, and/or what I really can’t control/change. What’s the saying? Why ask why?

    I was emailed the following quote (don’t know the author) recently and felt it was right on time:

    “There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So, don’t worry about people from your past . . . there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”

  • DJ CEO

    this is a really good one Ans. Closure is very important. My ex of 7 years have been broken up for 5 years now. We didn’t have closure really until early this year. And not closure in the manner of why we broke up but more so of both of us being over each other at the same time. At one point I wasn’t over her but she was over me and then visa versa. Now we are good. And I’m happy. Hope she is too.

  • LolitaBaby

    This is a really good post. Me, personally, my whole thing with relationships, with others and with myself, is honesty. Being honest about what I feel, why I feel it, what I want, and what I really need.

    Closure for me is being able to accept my emotions but still see the reality for what it is. I feel no need to hold grudges, we’re all human. Even if the other person broke up with me, I’ll be really hurt and sad and upset with the person, but can I really get on their case because they’re doing what they think is best? Having been on both sides of the equation, I just take it for what it is because our relationship is still just a chapter in our own individual journeys.

    If I have the opportunity to, I definitely express to my ex why I need to do what I need to do for myself, and also encourage them to do what they need to do. Most of the time that means I need to cut off all communication for a period of time, and I ask that they respect the fact this is what I need for me. I gotta tend to my wounds before I go back to a potential battle with love. Everyone needs it, but some people don’t wanna deal with the hard work and pain that comes with closure.

  • Dc Man with a plan

    @ Swaylah…Who you kidding? I do NOT think you sound like someone who has moved on–even though you told his new girlfriend that. Everything that comes out of the mouth isn’t truth….You think he’s having a difficult time getting over you? But he’s the one with a replacement partner? Maybe he’s still trying to holla at you cuz you had the bomb sex, but that ain’t the same as wanting you back..be careful you don’t get it twisted by convincing yourself your over him…….I feel for Soulyn becuz she had an abortion after getting pregnant by a dude who didn’t want to acknowledge THEY made a baby…THAT’s tough….But he was a dyck so though you can never forget the child that could have been…You shouldn’t waste any brain energy dwelling on him and what he might think about having a kid in the world…….LADIES, for real…If you’re accepting calls from dude, hanging out at the same places y’all used to go…..U are NOT over him. When you stop talking to him and about him; stop accepting his emails and discourage mutual friends from mentioning him…THEN you ova dude. Otherwise, it’s just a facade…in your mind. And the mind–is a terrible thing to waste on those who are undeserving of your time and energy

  • ice

    Wow…really touching blog today. Muco kudos..
    This “closure” is definitely something I am working on and trying to perfect before I grow a year older. I, for some reason, have never had a problem with just stepping away from a situation. When I decide I’m done, I’m done…and, though it’s probably the easy way out, it works for me but I realize that it more often than not hurts the other person.

    Sometimes I feel like I don’t have to explain, I owe no one an explanation but also, the conversation will no doubt on some level be painful and/or uncomfortable and as long as I feel like that’s going to be the sentiments felt…I want to stay far far away from it.

    I ran into THE ex a couple of years ago at this random spot in Brooklyn. I saw him before he saw me and I was seriously STUNNED…hands sweating, heart racing etc etc….we ended up speaking that night, he emailed me the next day and several days after and a few more days after that…the emails still sit in my inbox and I will NEVER answer them….like your girl here…whatever he has/had to say, I made it a point to stop caring a long time ago. Whatever closure is to be had there I guess, maybe I’m not ready for…or maybe I already found it and don’t need to take a journey with him again for him to find it too…

  • http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

    I think closure is a must when you really love somebody. I think the reason people have no need for closure is because that relationship(or lack there of) just didnt mean that much to you. But when you love somebody more than yourself it continue to hurt even after. For most people just saying somebody is more important than themselves is almost impossible and this is why a lot of relationship fail.

    Now no two people are the same ,but if you truly let another person into yourself I dont see how the out come of that relationship will not effect anybody. So with that logic I dont think its crazy to want (or for so people) need the vindication like there wasnt anything more they could do. Closure also acts as a learning tool “What did I do wrong or right and what can I do better next time”.

  • Shay from L.A. (Los Angeles)

    @ NWSO

    I agree with your comment to July.

    Sometimes I regret ending things the way that I did with my ex. Nothing horrible happened between us, it was just bad timing and living in different states.

    It is very difficult to let go and have closure when things end and both parties still have strong feelings for each other. That is why he and I had a tug-of-war with staying together and breaking-up.

    Many times I feel like what I did was cold-hearted by deleting him from my life with no explaination, but at the time, I needed to do what was best to heal my heart.

    Now that I have had time to process everything and move on with my life, I feel the need to at least write him a letter and t