Do Men Really Want to Marry Virgins? (The Purity Myth)

0 Posted by - May 21, 2009 - Uncategorized


If you read yesterday’s Hump Day post and the one from last week, you can pretty much tell that I enjoy the art of sex lovemaking. (But really who doesn’t?) Now, I’ve never claimed to be the best you ever had (cue Drake’s record) but I definitely try to make it do what it do and I expect my bedroom boo to do the same. That’s why I can’t wrap my head around the concept of someone wanting a virgin. In my 16 years of boning I have yet to pop a cherry that wasn’t my own and I damn sure don’t plan on starting now.

While the idea of a bride in a flowing white dress and saving yourself for marriage sounds nice for a fairytale wedding, in today’s oversexed society it’s just not a realistic dream—for me at least. In fact, that would actually be a nightmare. The reason I say that is because I’ve literally spent half my life perfecting my stroke and poke, so when and if I jump the broom I want it to be with a woman that can satisfy me—now not later. That’s not to say a virgin or a less “experienced” partner can’t learn how to please her man sexually, but I’d much rather roll in the hay with a woman that already knows how to swing a pitchfork. Of course, if I we were both virgins or had equally limited bedroom knowledge then none of this would matter because we’d be on the same plane sexually. But since I’m no virgin (sorry, mom) that’s a moot point.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with waiting for marriage if that’s your thing (or you’re my lil sister:). I’m also not saying that people should go out and have sex with everyone under the sun, because there are way too many STDs/STIs and deadbeat dads (a few moms too) out there, but at my age (and experience) I don’t have the patience to deal with a virgin. As much as I take my time during foreplay, I’d imagine a first-time lover would have to be eased super-slowly into new positions, oral sex, being called my dirty little bitch in bed and even knowing what she liked sexually. Sure, it might be fun molding someone into your perfect sex partner and partaking in some super tight nookie, but the position I’m hiring for requires some experience. On the job training is cool, but there are limitations.

Honestly, the whole idea of virginity being a sign of purity is one big crock. Sex doesn’t change a person’s personality, so a gold digger that’s never been with a man before is no different than a gold digger that’s slept with the whole neighborhood. The virgin tends to get a pass because our society judges a woman by her sexual history, while men are able to have as many partners as they like with no problem. Here’s the thing, though, if women are supposed to be “untouched” and “pure,” who the hell are the promiscuous men sleeping with when they’re sowing their wild oats? It’s a foolish double standard that doesn’t even make sense when you really think about it.

In fact, the other day my homegirl Hannah aka h* sent me a link (CLICK HERE) to an article on It was a Q&A with author Jessica Valenti who recently released The Purity Myth, a book that discusses the falsehoods about female “purity” and “virginity.” It’s an interesting discussion that covers a wide array of points, but I found Valenti’s point about how society places White women into the virgin mold more easily than their Black/Brown counterparts the most interesting. She says, “Feminists like bell hooks have been talking about the way Black women’s bodies are positioned as hypersexual for years. (Mostly because it’s a great way for men to have an excuse for sexual assault—you can’t ‘dirty’ something that was already ‘unclean.’)… The thing is, there is certainly an abstinence movement in communities of color and purity advocates who are people of color—but they’re not really shown in the mainstream abstinence movement… When you do see abstinence being targeted at young women of color, there’s not the same kind of talk of purity—it’s more about targeting a group of women that the movement has already focused on as ‘troubled,’ and already-sexual.”

What are your thoughts on society’s views of virginity? Is there a double standard? Should a person be perceived as “pure” because they haven’t had sex? How much does someone’s sexual history effect who you date? Does the burden of virginity rest solely on women? Do you view male and female virgins differently? If so, how? Do you think women of color are viewed as more sexual in society’s eyes than their Caucasian counterparts? Would you date or marry a virgin? Why or why not?

Speak your piece…



  • da ThRONe


    Are you serious “virgin”? Try finding a single girl over 21 without 2+ kids.

  • DJ Stiletto

    Being with a virgin is simply an ego trip to me. A sexually inexperienced partner is unattractive to me in the sense that I’m not striving to be a teacher (beyond the role play, lol). I’ve never dated/slept with a virgin and probably won’t.

    On a different note, being a woman of color and being outspoken about my sex life, I find myself often scrutinized and stereotyped. It goes back to the Sapphire/Mammy complex that is cast upon black women. Caucasian women are not placed into these roles and can freely discuss their sex lives without being viewed by society as whores; women of color, particularly black and Latina, find themselves constantly on the complete opposite end of the spectrum

  • July

    The way I see it generally sexual responsibility rests solely on the shoulders of women. Women are expected to turn down the advances of men and “keep them in line” whilst men get away with their quest to stick it to anything that moves and no one bats an eyelid. So yes the burden of virginity is seen to be that of women. Even looking at the advocates of abstinance, they always target more heavily towards females than to males.

    Male and female virgins are seen in a different light. Nobody expects a man to not want to sow his royal oats and for him to reach a certain age without having given into that urge is honestly weird. I don’t think I would want a virgin, I just dont have the energy to teach from scratch, dude has to come at least knowing something!

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  • CC

    Sex is a natural thing. A person doesn’t have to have experience with pleasure to know its pleasurable. So a virgin doesn’t have to have had sex to know where all the pieces go. As far as skill goes, there are people who have been having sex for years and still are no good. Just as I’m sure there are virgins who are great their first time, because it comes naturally to them. Experience is not always a predictor of performance. Natural talent can’t be taught its gifted by God. Some people can learn to be good, but they’ll never be great no matter how long they’ve been in practice. While others seem born to do it. The first time with a new partner is no different than the first time with a virgin. Everybody is different. The same tricks that drove an ex crazy may not work in the current relationship. There is always that learning period and adjusting to each others bodies and changes in taste. Anyone that thinks they don’t have to keep learning may be that person that has been having sex for years and still is no good! Virgin or not, both adults have to figure each other out and keep figuring it out.

  • abeni

    I’m a 24 yr old virgin (never done anything sexual) and I admit it’s a gift and a curse. My college boyfriend broke up with me because he felt the same way as NWSO, in that he wanted a girl with experience.

    Now it’s post-college, I get many dates but when we get closer to the exclusive stage guys either get really anxious to be my first, put me in friend zone or run for the hills. I would love to get married someday but my virginity will probably stop that from happening. I don’t want to wait until marriage but guys just don’t want to teach me I guess.

    Lately I’ve been pondering if I should just get it over with and have sex w/o telling the guy I am a virgin.

    • Quisitscan

      if your still a virgin Know that its a blessing:) it truly keeps you closer to God believe this..:) yes I might be view as Jesus freak or bible thump-er (which I DO NOT CARE).. its truly a liberation from humanity weakness to not have self control:) having liberation from this world is a very awesome feeling, anytime you don’t follow what everyone considers the norm your outcast! this part may seem a bit off subject but its kinda like how we view Muslim and modest women oppressed because they don’t wanna take it off or show it.. that to me is us bringing oppression to them, yes in some areas of that culture women might be force or cursed if they dont do what OTHERS THINK IS RIGHT! but its not just them its US as well… we curse and try to force people beyond there will 24-7 but you as a person are to be respected and highly favored because you decided to stay a virgin for this long:)

      be well God bless

    • Quisitscan

      if your still a virgin Know that its a blessing:) it truly keeps you closer to God believe this..:) yes I might be view as Jesus freak or bible thump-er (which I DO NOT CARE).. its truly a liberation from humanity weakness to not have self control:) having liberation from this world is a very awesome feeling, anytime you don’t follow what everyone considers the norm your outcast! this part may seem a bit off subject but its kinda like how we view Muslim and modest women oppressed because they don’t wanna take it off or show it.. that to me is us bringing oppression to them, yes in some areas of that culture women might be force or cursed if they dont do what OTHERS THINK IS RIGHT! but its not just them its US as well… we curse and try to force people beyond there will 24-7 but you as a person are to be respected and highly favored because you decided to stay a virgin for this long:)

      be well God bless

    • Anonymous

      You should find someone who will VALUE your virginity. Don’t just give it up like that- your body isn’t meant to be shared with everyone. People who lose it casually regret it. I’ve talked about this with plenty of friends. Make a smart decision. Wait until you find a great guy to lose it to- maybe even wait until you find the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.. there are people out there who are looking for other virgins.

    • Lisa Thompson

      NO – tell him, those guys running for the hills are doing you a favor – they are not the ones you want to lose it with (no offense to NWSO) but a guy who is unwilling or uninterested in taking a little extra care or time maybe isn’t worth having it’s not a bad litmus test actually, makes you wonder what would he do if you got really sick or injured?or pregnant granted not too important when you’re dating but a major consideration when pondering marriage

  • GVG

    Simple answer – Because it curves to my dick.

  • Elle

    Pft, purity my ass. Where I am from we have a huge Turkish community. These girls all get married as “virgins”. And I guess depending on the definition of virgin, they actually are. Not because they never had sex but simply because they never have practised anything that envolved vaginal penetration. These chicks are the queens of oral and anal sex though. But are they still virgins because technically their hymen is still intact? Who knows. I guess this is the part where everybody can bend logic to their own standard.

    On a different note, one of my male acquaintances is a virgin because of his religious beliefs. So they do exist.

    My ex was a virgin when we met, but not too long thereafter … lol. I don’t see the big deal.

    We were all virgins at one point and if everybody stigmatized it to a point where people are being avoided simply because of their sexual inexperience they would remain virgins until the day they die.

    Putting so much emphasize on avoiding virgins is the same thing as stigmatizing virginity to describe “pure”, “good”, even “better” women/men in comparison to the rest of us impure “works of the devil”. Puhlease. If society would calm the fuck down and not put so much focus on such unimportant things, we might have a shot at saving the world.

    Sex is just that, sex. It can be good, it can be bad. It can be improved. And sometimes two people simply do not match inside the bedroom despite the great time they have outside of it. That’s it. There is no friggin science to it. What is good to one lover might be horrible in the eyes of another. You can be experienced all you want, with every new partner you have to adjust your style and learn how to deal with that particular person “at hand”.

    So virgin, no virgin … I don’t care. If people remain virgins because this is what they want to do, more power to them. Being forced by societal standards is wrong in my book though. We’re all adults. We don’t have to please anyone but ourselves.
    Personally, I wouldn’t write a guy off simply because he is inexperienced. That would add yet another unimportant BS-factor to my laundry list and therefore make it even harder to find a person I can spend a wonderful life with.

  • NWSO


    I def hear what you’re saying and feel you on constantly learning from your partner and everyone being different. But speaking as someone that’s never been with a virgin so just assuming, I’ve heard that sex hurts for a virgin the first time and while the act could be tender and all that I’m guessing it wouldn’t be the rhythm I’d be used to for a while and vice versa. Also, while it’s no guarantee that any partner will be as adventurous I’m “assuming” an inexperienced person would just take longer to be comfortable with their own body and sexuality—natural gift or not.

    Of course, I could be totally wrong on all counts, like I said never been with a virgin other than myself. I just know the man I was sexually 16 years ago when i lost my virginity is totally different from now. It may have been good for the time, but in comparison to recent years it’s a whole other ball game, so I’d prefer a partner on par. But if I truly loved someone that happened to be a virgin it wouldn’t matter, but it’s just my preference.

  • NWSO


    Regardless of what I say or any guy do what’s right for you. Like I told my sister in Monday’s post, just be sure whoever you chose to share yourself with the first time and every time really, feel that that person is special and cares for you. That’s what matters. if a man leaves you because he can’t have sex with you or is scared to be your first, hen he isn’t the one anyway.

    I think in a perfect world, someone’s first should be someone that is patient, passionate and understanding. It can’t be a wham bam dude cause that will NOT work. It’s a difference about making love or just having sex or fucking. Hopefully your first time will be making love. If that is what happens you should wind up with a guy that is willing to teach you.

    As for having sex and lying about being a virgin, I don’t know if that would be best because you may get a guy thinking you’re experience trying to put it on you way too rough. I’m no woman, and haven’t been a virgin in eons, but I’d assume you’d need a tender lover that is willing to work with you and make the experience comfortable.

  • abeni


    regarding your comment to me, I agree with you and appreciate your words but since I’m an ‘old’ virgin and given my track record that I talked about above I’m just ready to get it over with. It’s no fun having that outsider feeling. I just want to experience it and have more serious relationships because I can’t have them when guys bail on me b/c I’m a virgin. I’m not trying to give it up freely but damn it’s hard to lose.

  • NWSO


    You’re grown and will make whatever decision you want, I just hope it’s the best one for you and someone worthy of the experience. But sex won’t make a relationship better, most times it makes things more complex and emotionally draining.

    Whatever you decide tread lightly and wisely.

    Good luck

  • Kee Kee

    Well, I am 22 year old virgin. And I definitely agree with CC…
    I mean just because I’m a virgin, am I supposed to be oblivious to anything pertaining to sex? That’s crazy. Especially in the time where we’re living in where a twelve yr old can look at tv and get sex tips. I know experience is big thing, but I consider myself very knowledgeable when it comes to sex. I mean its to the point where my friends call me “The Freaky Virgin” and even ask me for advice when it comes to sexual intercourse. And NWSO, not everyone carrying their v-card is gonna be shy when it comes down to “doing the do”, lol. Because I’m basically down for the dirty talk, oral sex (& swallowing), trying anything at least once and being a “dirty lil’ bitch” ….for my husband. (And I’m very comfortable with my body and know what I like, thank you.) But I just think its something special and I wouldn’t want to share it with anyone else than that certain someone. I know that may seem crazy to some, but it’s okay for me and my (experienced) man.

    Trying to hold out until marriage,
    Kee Kee

    *Love the blog, by the way… I’m a faithful lurker*

  • 100K

    I dated a virgin who was set on keeping it till marriage.

    I couldnt do it. I was 22 at the time and I got needs she wasnt gonna fulfill. I did have strong feelings for her but sex is something i need. She was set on keeping it till marriage and other factors came into play so i backed out.

    Of course, sex has a big effect on the relationship. My #s are low but i got a high volume of smashing those girls. Id rather that than some girl smashing mad dudes all the time.

    I aint gonna say further because if i had a daughter, i’d want her to be treated like the princess I’ll raise her to be.

  • NWSO

    @Kee Kee

    Hey, like I said I’ve never been with a virgin and I’m merely assuming. You seem to have a good grasp of the fundamentals, though. You’re a credit to your kind.


  • Kee Kee


    Well thank you, lmao!

  • NWSO

    @ Kee Kee

    No problem,maybe you have some better advice for Abeni a fellow virgin above ^^

  • da ThRONe

    @Kee Kee

    Will you marry me? :) please!

    Sex is more about effort and willness then experience. I’ll take a virgin anyday as long as she gets down like Kee Kee.

  • Elle

    Maybe we should agree on a definition of the word “virgin”.

    In my book, somebody who has had dick all down her throat or up her ass isn’t a virgin. Sorry.

    If we ask Merriam Webster, these are the results and according to some definitions even I am a virgin.

    1 a: an unmarried woman devoted to religion
    2 a: an absolutely chaste young woman
    b: an unmarried girl or woman
    4a: a person who has not had sexual intercourse b: a person who is inexperienced in a usually specified sphere of activity
    5: a female animal that has never copulated

    So what’ a vigin?

  • 100K


  • July

    A virgin is someone who hasn’t had sexual intercourse. I’m with you Elle if you’ve been indulging in anal then you aren’t a virgin. Oral? Not too sure about that one.

  • CC

    It could also be that your current prowess has something to do with maturity more so than experience. As you grew as a person perhaps you became more aware of your lover’s needs. Which brings me back to the point, some people have been having sex for years and only care about how it feels to them because they are immature and therefore bad in bed.
    As far as getting used to a rhythmn, again you have to do that in a lot situations besides losing your virginity. If its been a while, if its a new partner, if its a new position, if you two just aren’t connecting, if you are bored, if you aren’t properly aroused, etc. etc. A lot of factors play in discomfort for a woman, but I guarantee any woman if truly turned on will not be feeling any pain and the rhythmn will work itself out. But if a woman isn’t flowing just right, it will be a bad situation and that doesn’t just happen to virgins. Oh and KeeKee already touched on the fact that virgins are just as comfortable with their bodies as experienced people, but let me just add that their are people married with kids that still have body issues and won’t get undressed with the lights on or won’t do certain sexual acts. Has nothing to do with viginity its a self esteem issue or a boundary issue.

    So you would want your daughter to be given a respect that you yourself was not willing to give? I’m sure you see the hypocrisy in that. Just as I’m sure NWSO sees the hypocrisy in wanting his sister to be a virgin until she’s married but he wouldn’t want a virgin. lol Do you feel differently now that you are older?

  • Elle


    If you root for 4a, then a whole different can of worms is being opened.

    What is considered sexual intercourse? Anal? Vaginal? Oral? Is it all about penetration? Do fingers count? Or does it have to be a dick? And what about dildos?

    Which is why personally I would go with definition Number 2a because it draws clearer boundaries.


    So yea, what are we talking about when we are referring to virginity?

  • CC

    So someone that has been kissed or felt up is no longer a virgin? Surely not. The last I checked oral sex and hand play was still foreplay not intercourse.

  • July

    @Elle, to get technical about it I think if a penis goes in vaginally or anally you are no longer a virgin. But all that other stuff doesn’t amount to sex.

  • Elle

    That’s up to the individual to decide.

    If one decides to go with the “intercourse definition”, then you are right. Although I find hand play quite questionable since fingers can do an awful lot of penetrating.

    On the other hand, if being a virgin means being chaste, then sucking dick, swallowing & being on the receiving end of oral sex as well do not fall into the “chaste category”.

    Virgin this, virgin that. Whether somebody decides to safe themselves for marriage or another person avoids dealing with virgins like it was the plague, either way people put too much emphasize on something so unimportant.

  • Elle


    Alright, let’s go with this definition for the sake of the topic.


  • July

    @Elle. Just curious but why shouldnt we place importance on issues of virginity and sexual compatability?

  • distinguishedgentlewoman

    @ NWSO:

    It doesn’t always hurt that badly the first time. Not during the act—sitting down afterward was a bit uncomfortable for a few weeks. It didn’t for me, at least, and I was 30 when I had intercourse for the first time. Technically my “cherry” was popped at 21 by my boyfriend’s fingers while we were fooling around. And that didn’t hurt either. I’ve heard that if the girl/woman is athletic or into physical fitness it doesn’t hurt as much. I’d been studying dance since I was 9, so that may have been why it didn’t hurt as much as people said it would. And my first time wasn’t really awkward. I just practiced all the tricks that I fantasized about for years and kept it rolling…and rolling… You get the picture.

    And as far as marrying a virgin, it wouldn’t matter to me as long as we loved each other and I was attracted to him mentally, spiritually, and physically.

  • Kee Kee

    I don’t think you should just up & give to anyone just to get it over with. My bestfriend decided to go that route and let’s just say the road is becoming a long and ugly one. But I definitely feel you where your coming from. It’s extremely hard to find someone comfortable with your virginity. Ahh, the dreaded “Friend Zone” really sucks sometimes but you can use to your benefit. A guy’s point of view can be golden in certain situations. But one thing I seem to struggle with is when you drop the v-bomb. You know “My name’s Kee Kee, I’m 22. I’m a libra. Oh yeah, I’m a virgin too…etc.” I get mixed responses. But with my current boyfriend, I waited til the man was darn near in love to drop it on him. (Which I kinda felt bad for.) But I think he was a lil shocked at first, maybe he didn’t believe me. But he’s accepted it and we have moved forward in our relationship. I mean there’s rough times, but my bf is relieved bcuz some problems he’s had in prior relationships, he doesn’t have with to worry about with me. (Like those “close calls” or other scares) But gurl you just have to do whatever your comfortable with. If can’t stand being a virgin a day longer and you can stick by your decision and not regret it, go ‘head gurl. But if you want wait until marriage, by all means stick with your morals. Your knight in shining armor will eventually come, just be patient. (And all those other fools will wish they locked you down when they had the chance! :D )

  • distinguishedgentlewoman

    @ CC:

    I agree with everything you said 100%. Great sex, lovemaking, and fucking are about compatibility. A person can be a virgin and still be very sexually compatible—and get freaky—with someone who’s been doing the do for years, and vice versa. It’s all about the connect. And some folks are just more sexual and more comfortable with their bodies than others, virgin or not.

    And stay true to your beliefs whatever you decide to do. Being the good little Catholic girl that I was, I was planning on staying a virgin until marriage. But then I decided maybe I may never get married, but I wanted to have sex, so I did it at 30. In retrospect, I wish—oh God I wish—I would have done it with my first boyfriend when I was 21. To this day I still think about that dude and the what-if’s. Man, the things we could have done… AH, what regrets. If I find that boy today, my 5-year drought is OVER!

    But those are my choices. They may not be the popular ones—or the right ones for everyone—but they are mine, and I’m sticking to them. Whether to wait or not, or how long to wait, should be an individual’s choice. Bunk society and the labels it places on us, and just do you. And anyone else you decide to—or not.

  • Kee Kee

    But I hope no one was confused by my earlier post since we are clarifying what’s a virgin. All of the things I said WILL do, is just that. I will do it after that ring. Before that you gets nada, okay not exactly nothing, but I consider oral sex something sacred just like sharing the rest of my body with you. I was just saying when we reach that point I won’t be apprehensive to do those things. And no, if you’ve had vaginal or anal penetration, I don’t think you should be considered a virgin.

    @ Da Throne

    You are a mess! LOL

  • paulettebajangal

    I lost my virginity at 15 by a 21 year old man.I don’t really know if I “lost” it cause its not something you can tangibly find again.And he was super wack.It lasted for all of 3 minutes.And the naive chick that I was kept fucking him for another year.He made me wonder why people were losing their damn minds over sex.I wasn’t impressed.

    For a woman…losing your virginity is not an amazing thing.It will not grant you any wishes or suddenly transform your life.lmao.It hurts a little…you bleed a little…and you look the same as you did a week before.Much ado about nothing really.

    .after childbirth my vagina became probably as tight as a virgin’s.No joke.I was very surprised cause there’s a myth that it remains stretched.My body reshaped internally.

    I wouldn’t knowingly sleep with a virgin male.I like a man that knows what he’s doing.But we all had to start somewhere…my skills today were developed over time.I was not a good lay in bed in my teens though.But then again….some men just wanna put their dick in a warm wet pussy…any pussy.So the experience of the chick might not even matter.

    As for virgins marrying “pure”…if you get a divorce from dude…you in the same boat as the rest of us for your next marriage.You can’t lose your virginity twice.

  • Kee Kee

    @ distinguishedgentlewoman

    What made you regret your decision to wait?

  • distinguishedgentlewoman

    @ Kee Kee

    My first intention was to wait until marriage. But as I got older and realized that I may never get married, my horny ass decided I wanted to do the do with the person I was with at the time. Not to take anything away from my second boyfriend, but if I could have looked to the future at 21 and seen that I would lose my virginity outside of marriage, I would have slept with my first love. My only regret is that my first boyfriend was not the one with whom I shared the moment. If he had been there when I was 30, it would have been on. And if you saw him, honey, you would know why. And we had an unbelievable connection. But I was young and scared, and I ran for the hills. But that’s a different story.

  • Dc Man with a plan

    wow…..Very interesting, especially the drawn out discourse about vaginal/anal, oral. We are unlikely to settle upon a definition all will agree with. I’ve heard of persons in foreign lands claiming virginity although they engage in anal and/or oral sex. For me, anal means you’re sexual and being sexual means you’re not a “complete” virgin. When the term was originated (I’m making a WAG here, so don’t ask me for the research documents) back in the prehistoric colonial days anal sex was a reason to be put to death–so I’m POSITVE it was not an activity one could perform–and still claim the title of virgin. “CC” makes some valid and wonderful statements about how a virgin possibly can, inexperience and all, get it right and do a good job since there are likely many who have had much sex and suck at it. Think of that the next time you go to get your nails and hair done or your car service. tell them you want the “new, inexperienced’ technician. See how that works out for you. @ Abeni, if you are thinkin of losing your virginity as something to “get over with” you may need to look deeper into WHY you’re still a virgin because it doesn’t sound natural, or like something you’ve really given any deep thought to, as much as something you’ve accepted or had imposed upon you. I said “sounds like” because I obviously don’t know you, but you do not sound like someone doing something out of a deep conviction. And I do not see the need for you to discuss being a virgin with every guy you meet. Seems like you’re