Does Not Having White Friends Make Me a Racist?
Earlier this week my boy Mark hit me up with a blog idea (I get a lot of those, but one at a time, people, one at a time). He wanted me to conduct a “social experiment” by attempting to date a White girl(s) for six months straight. I promptly shrugged it off and suggested Mark be the guinea pig since it was his idea, tell me about it and then I could post weekly progress reports on his dating adventures.
“We could call it, ‘Interview With a White Girl Slayer,’” I joked.
His response: “I mean, it’s better for you ’cause you never messed with a White girl at all.”
“Why should I ruin my streak,” I laughed.
“Because you need more White people in your life.”
“Huh, what do you mean?”
“Think about it. Do you have any White friends?”
I paused for a moment to ponder the question presented to me. “There’s my man, G, who I used to work with. We been cool for years and used to hang out all the time, but I don’t really see him that much anymore.”
“That don’t count,” Mark informed me. “I mean like White friends that you can just call up and be like, ‘Yo, what up homie?’”
Longer pause. “Hmmm, now that I think about it, not really.”
“See, you gotta think to yourself, ‘Am I racist?’”
“What?! Nah, I don’t think that makes me a racist, but I will admit that I’m not always comfortable in social settings with certain White folks.”
“See…”
“You know, the suit-and-tie, corporate types,” I continued. “But I think that has more to do with cultural differences than actual race. At times, I feel like whenever I’m in that kind of environment I’m representing for my entire race—especially when I had my locks. I just don’t feel like I can be myself. So to be completely honest, and not to sound racist, sometimes I just feel out of place around certain White folks.”
“Yeah, it’s funny ’cause I don't think you even come into contact with many White folks—like ever, for maybe over 10 years.”
That’s when it hit me. Maybe Mark was right. I’ve always felt blessed to work in an industry where I could document my culture and work with people in my community, but is there a downside to that? Have the past 11 years left me ill equipped to deal with folks outside my racial circle? It’s not like I have no interaction with people of other races at all. There are mad non-Black folk I’ve worked with, been cool with and had meaningful conversations with over lunch or whatever, but outside of the work environment I really don’t have much real interpersonal interaction with other races. Even still, I still have White friends that I work with.
“To me, those sound like acquaintances not ‘friends,’” Mark continued. “Like any birthday event I ever went to for you never had a White face.”
“That’s not true, my man Peter from work came through to the last one, and my boy Rahmel brought his wife who’s White.”
“Like I said, no real friends. You’re racist.”
I was stumped. Was Mark right? Was the over abundance of melanin in my life a sign of latent racism? Nah, it couldn’t be. Me and my man Tom used to have lunch all the time when we worked together, but come to think of it, we never did hang out anywhere outside of work-related events. No, wait, my homegirl Amy was my “office girlfriend” and we talked about everything, but I haven’t spoken to her in over a year. Okay, I got one, Greg from my last job, he and I always hung out at company functions, he came to my housewarming and we even had dinner together one time. Matter of fact, I was just talking to him on IM the other day and I was the one that initiated the conversation. There, you see, I have a White friend. One measly friend that just so happens to be White. SMH! Pathetic. Maybe I am racist.
For the record, I’m being facetious (I hope) about this but I do feel there’s a cultural divide going on here. The fact that I admittedly feel “awkward” around certain groups of people or feel that I have to talk/act a certain way to feel accepted reflects a bigger problem—both personally and societal. It’s safe to say that in order for a person of color to be “successful” in this country, he/she has to deal with a non-Black person at some point on that journey (i.e. banker, appraiser, lawyer, etc.). Conversely, persons of color don’t really have much bearing on the success ratio for most Caucasians. That’s not to say the average White person never ever comes in contact with someone of color (in major cities at least), but those interactions generally have no impact on that individual’s ability to be “successful.” (Please note: I’m not saying this is a cut and dry fact, just an argument/point I’ve heard raised by others before and can see some validity in this ideology).
I’ve always said that I don’t accept racism, I just expect it. Let’s be real, before a person opens his or her mouth to speak he or she is being judged by their appearance, skin color, hairstyle, body type, height, weight, whatever. People can deny it all they want, but it’s just human nature to make assumptions. Sometimes that perception is based off of personal experience but most times it’s molded by the media. So if you’ve never seen or interacted with a Black, Indian, Asian, fat, ugly, or tall person before, you’re going to make some sort of judgment when you meet one based on what you’ve heard or seen.
Here’s an example: Back in my senior year of high school I took driver’s ed. One day me and my man Eddie are in the backseat of the car waiting for our other classmate to come from the bathroom to take her turn behind the wheel. Eddie and I are talking about the prom and I make a comment about hoping they don’t play too much reggae music. Our instructor, a nice man of Italian descent, has been sitting quietly in the front seat the whole time. Upon hearing my statement he turns around and interjects, “But aren’t you Jamaica?”
“Uh, no,” I responded with a deadpan face.
“Oh, I thought you said you were.”
“Uh, no.”
Awkward silence.
Nothing more was said besides, “Oh, my bad,” before the instructor turned back around, but the reason why he made that assumption was obvious—I had dreadlocks at the time and all Jamaicans have dreadlocks, right? So by default I must be Jamaican, right? Wrong! Even if I were Jamaican (I’m of Caribbean descent by the way but that’s besides the point) that still wouldn’t mean that I’d automatically be a fan of reggae music. Why not? Because not all Jamaicans listen to reggae just like all Italians aren’t in the mafia. It’s just silly stereotypes that some people pass down to the next generation. Looking back on it with wiser eyes, I believe my instructor just made that out of pocket comment based on the image he had of a certain sector of people that I apparently fit the bill for. What was a momentarily embarrassing moment for him, was a reminder for me of how the world views a young Black man with locks.
Ever since then I’ve always assumed that I’m being judged by people outside my culture. That how I choose to dress, speak and wear my hair makes me a target for who they think I am. Things like college graduate, homeowner, journalist, brother and son won’t come to mind when I walk in a room filled with corporate types. (Or maybe that’s just me being self-conscious). As a result, I’ve found myself making concerted efforts to speak and dress “proper” when in mixed company. It’s not that I’m trying to be something that I’m not, because proper grammar and tucked in button-ups are not just a “White thing” and I’m a grown ass man, but I feel just being a Black man in America I always have to work just a little bit harder to be respected. Furthermore, with Flavor Flav, OJ Simpson, Lil Wayne and whomever the hot negro mess of the month is being the prevailing examples of Black men in the mainstream media, I feel it’s my duty to make a better impression. I feel like I constantly have to represent for my race. I cringe every time I hear young kids of color spewing profanity, calling each other ni**a and bragging about their sexual exploits in public. While part of me understands this behavior because I come from those same neighborhoods, I know that most outsiders won’t. It’s not necessarily a Black or White thing, it all comes down to culture. Difference between any group of people—Black, White, Spanish, Asian, or Martian—are always going to exist. What one views as “normal” will be taken as “odd” by the other. Acceptance of these differences comes with interaction, education and conversation.
For the most part, Mark is right, I really haven’t had much interaction with White folks. I was raised in a predominantly Black and Latino neighborhood. I went to elementary and high school with people that looked just like me. Aside from my teachers, I didn’t really interact with any other races until college, but being that I stayed in New York and went to a local university I didn’t have the full culture shock experience had I gone away to school. I just went to campus for class and work, then I’d hop back on the train and head back to my homogenous neighborhood, where even there I pretty much stuck to myself. Even when I entered the “real world,” the White folks I’ve come across are in the business of Black culture so our conversations about hip-hop and entertainment provided me with a familiar safety net. They’ve been very few discussions that journeyed outside that musical bubble. The ones that have left me at a loss for cultural connection. It’s always been business, never personal.
On the flipside, my oldest younger brother (I know that sounds confusing but he’s the oldest of my two younger brothers) had a very diverse childhood. Being the brainiac that he is he attended a specialized high school in the city that had a large Asian student body. Then he went on to M.I.T. to study engineering, where he was one of two Black kids in his fraternity. Needless to say, my brother has a pool of friends that resembles a Benetton ad, while I’m stuck in a never-ending campaign for FUBU. I'm all "for us," I just never want to be “biased.”
Do you have friends outside your own race or just acquaintances? Did you grow up in a racially diverse neighborhood or attend a school with different races? Do you find that college is when people are first introduced to the “real world” and different cultures? Do you find yourself feeling out of place in mixed company? Do you act one way around your family friends and another when at work? Why? Do you think a person of color can make something of themselves legally without ever dealing with a White person? Do you think children of color that are exposed to other races at a young age have a better shot at success? Do you think someone that doesn’t have any friends outside their race is automatically racist?
Speak your piece…
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