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Hi, I Have Herpes (Can We Have Sex…Again?)

Posted by NWSO • June 18, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Some of you know and some of you don’t, but I wrote a story for the June 2009 issue of Essence (Jennifer Hudson cover, pg. 82) called “Gambling With Herpes.” It was for their popular “What’s On His Mind” column, where I interviewed an anonymous man (we’ll call him Mr. H) who’s had the herpes virus for the past 10 years. Since being diagnosed, he has slept with roughly 15-20 women—mostly unprotected.

Until recently, only one women knew Mr. H’s status—the mother of his children, who’s now infected. They were broken up and had kids long before he contracted the virus, but would link back up on occasion. Mr. H says she knew his status before they had sex again, but because he didn’t have a breakout at the time they chose to go raw. After years of reckless behavior, Mr. H had an “awakening” of sorts and asked the mother of his children to get tested and that’s when they discovered she was positive—despite never having a breakout herself.

Talking to Mr. H for an hour and a half he seemed pretty “normal.” Descent personality and comes across like one of your favorite uncles. He describes himself as tall, dark and handsome with a good job in the business world. Looking at him or talking to him most would have no idea he was carrying the herpes virus. Remember, folks, you can never look at someone and tell if they have a disease. In fact, due to Mr. H’s constant use of Valtrex he hasn’t had an outbreak (which consists of blisters and open sores in the genital and other infected areas) in over two years. In the time prior to that, he had “brutal” outbreaks. However, that didn’t stop him from having sex.

Ashamed of his condition and unwilling to tell the women he was dealing with about it, Mr. H would oblige their requests for sex as not to arouse “suspicion.” (What man says no to sex?) How could these women not see the blisters? Well, one trick he had was to simply slide his penis through the hole in his boxers during intercourse and call it a “fantasy” of his. Most of the women Mr. H dated (including long-term girlfriends) where clueless. I guess they were so focused on how he looked and getting their rocks off, they never really questioned it nor did they examine his genitals before sex. ("There were times where they wanted to have sex and I was outbreaking on my testicles so that was a very uncomfortable situation.") Why would they? This was a man they (wrongfully) trusted. Sadly, most of these episodes occurred unprotected.

Mr. H admits that he feels guilty about his actions, but was never guilty enough at the time to confess to the women he may probably infected or, at the very least, give up (unprotected) sex. Ten years later, however, he’s come to terms with the error of his ways and helps other herpes-positive people adjust to life with the virus. Now whenever he meets a woman, Mr. H says he suggests early on in the dating process that they both get tested for everything. (NOTE: You have to specifically ask your doctor/clinic to test for herpes because it’s not included in standard STD blood work processing). Once the results come back he reveals his condition to the woman so she has a choice in whether or not to proceed any further with the relationship.

At the time when Mr. H and I spoke, very few women with negative results willingly went on to sleep with him. There was one, though, that had a very nonchalant reaction and that actually scared Mr. H (“I was like, ‘Well, damn, what the hell do you got then?’”). He primarily uses herpes dating sites to find mates now. Better late than never I guess.

Needless to say, there was a lot of reaction to the story when it ran—some negative (CLICK HERE), some positive (CLICK HERE). All in all it was a definite wakeup call to many—myself included. I can’t even front, y’all, after I got off the phone and heard Mr. H’s claim that “I’m a firm believer that everyone over 30 has something,” sex is the farthest thing on my mind when I see a woman now. Yeah, NakedWithSocksOn.com is fun and we get it poppin’ on Wet Wednesdays, but unfortunately the flipside to the joy of sex are its dangerous.

Fellow blogger ABelleInBrooklyn did a great post a few weeks ago (CLICK HERE) that broke down a lot of statistics on herpes rates and other scary examples of positive people being promiscuous and dangerous. Definitely read her post as well.

In the meantime, what I’d like all of you to do is to be more careful. We like to walk around thinking that stuff like herpes, AIDS, chlamydia and any other STD/STI can’t or won’t happen to us. Or that he/she looks too clean or has a too good of a job/education to be infected, but you can’t spot these diseases and viruses just by looking at someone. With the CDC (Center for Disease Control) reporting that approximately 40-percent of African-American adults have the virus that causes genital herpes (stats courtesy to Belle), chances are you’ve been in contact with the virus or maybe even have it and don’t know. There have even been cases where people had the virus for years or their entire life without even having a breakout.

Do yourself and your partner(s) a favor by going to get tested for everything (remember you have to ask for a herpes test). Let’s not just practice safe sex but smart sex as well. We live in a world where Valtrex and condom commercials come on right after TV spots for your favorite morning cereal. It’s real out there, you can’t trust a big butt/dick and a smile anymore.

What are your thoughts on Mr. H’s story? Do you think it’s cowardice to have an incurable disease and sleep with people without informing them of your status? Do you think people that willingly infect others should be arrested and charged with murder? What would you do if someone infected you or a loved one with an incurable STD/STI? If you were in Mr. H’s shoes would you swear off sex for good? Do you think that the outreach work he’s doing now make sup for his previous transgressions? Did you know that herpes tests weren’t included in your normal blood work processing? Now that you do, will you ask your doctor to test for it next time? Do you know anyone that has herpes or another incurable STD/STI? Anyone that is positive willing to share his or her story here anonymously?

Speak your piece…

***USEFUL INFO*** CLICK HERE

UPDATE: Here's the Essence article

Tagged as: disease, Essence Magazine, herpes, Sex, stds, STIs

Latsyrc41

I'm pretty sure that having unprotected sex with someone when you know that you have a disease or infection that's transmitted through sex, violates some kind of assault law...?? It's not cowardly, it's malicious.

I don't understand the mentality of someone who knowingly infects or even exposes someone to a disease that they're carrying. How can you do something like that? Shit, I stay away from people when I have a cold.

I have to admit that I'm developing an aversion to sex because of this kind of thing. That kind of irresponsibility and the AIDS statistics here...it's all fuel for my growing phobia.

Sure, sex can be great, but it's certainly not worth dying for (or at least I haven't met the man who could make me feel that it is).

And what was up with the chick that was nonchalant about continuing to have sex with Mr. H?

And I definitely need some of those candy hearts for next valentines!
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Latsyrc41

They actually never had sex because Mr. H was actually scared by her nonchalant attitude and timing not working out. This is a more recent occurrence where he's more mindful of his sexual behavior.
bumblebee88

Well at least he has seen the error of his ways, better late than never. This sort of activity does deserve jail time though, it's irresponsible and selfish.
Ladies (and men), you have to be really careful. I've seen websites where bisexual men are bragging about infecting women with the HIV virus.
Latsyrc41

@NWSO

Yeah, I got that she scared him. I was just wondering, like him, "what does she have?" Then again, some people just like to roll the dice I suppose.
Franklee

This is not going to be popular but I want to say something about herpes. People keep quiet about it (to the detriment of others sometimes) because it's so stigmatized. People hear herpes and think ew, so and so is nasty. So and so is a whore or disgusting or what have you. This is not always true, as a person can be none of those things and contract the disease.

Yeah, it sucks because it's incurable and no one likes the idea of being stuck with something forever. But think about what it really is. Nobody is dying from herpes. depending on what kind you have I or II, you might not have many outbreaks at all. when you do, it's mostly an inconvenience than something that has ruined your life.

I think if people took a different attitude toward herpes, those that have it might be more likely to be open about it and not live in shame and silence. At least when you have HIV/AIDS people feel sorry for you. When you have herpes people hate you and shun you.

I'm not saying don't be careful or don't try to avoid herpes or that it's okay to have. I'm just saying that considering a lot of people are walking around with it right now and not knowing that it's clearly not the end of the world.
Latsyrc41

@Franklee

I don't understand why people hate/shun people with herpes...?

I think HIV/AIDS has more of a stigma attached and doesn't get all that much sympathy.
http://www.newmoneymachinko.blogspot.com New Money Machink

First of all, Mr. H is such a hater w/ that "everyone over 30" comment. LOL. Not everyone is nearly as reckless as he is.

Unfortunately, through both family and friends, i was made aware of the reality of AIDS and other STDs very early on in life, long before i was sexually active but when i was old enough to be impacted by the information.

I've come into contact with people who still live in their minds in a time when it's not an issue and its always so strange to me. My parents were very clear and the message cut through- if you don't feel comfortable expressing the need for protection or asking questions, you aren't intimate enough for intimate behavior. It's really that simple.

I do kno ppl who have been infected with herpes, and HIV. Thankfully, they have been standup people and truthful with their loved ones because there are medical measures that can be taken to protect everyone involved. My friends have little problem finding love. Less problem than me, sometimes.. apparently herpes is less of a deterrent than a bad attitude.. hehe
http://www.newmoneymachinko.blogspot.com New Money Machink

also, @ Franklee

Herpes 1 is not an STD. its a virus related to chicken pox in its behavior & recurrence, & FAR more people have it than have the STD, herpes HSV 2. Herpes HSV 1 is the virus that makes u get canker sores.
Franklee

@ new money
1. HSV1 doesn't give you canker sores, it gives cold sores which are different.
2. HSV1 can be sexually transmitted. For instance a person with herpes 1 can go down on you and give you herpes 1 on your genitals. Its still herpes but is milder and results in fewer, less painful outbreaks.
Belle

Thanks for the shouts. Much appreciated.

Herpes causes painful blisters on your vagina or penis. It doesn't kill you, but uh...

There's a HUGE stigma about herpes. I don't think people should be treated like outcasts because of it, but admittedly, if a man tells me he has herpes, I'm not having sex with him. I don't want to deal with that.

Another FACT: your chances of catching HIV increase if you have herpes. the blisters are additional entry points to your body and the HIV antibodies become more prevalent in your sexual fluids. Look it up. cdc.gov
http://bourgieadventures.wordpress.com kiaJD

In law school I came across cases where people were able to bring civil cases against others who knowingly gave them HIV and hepatitis. It differs by state and there are several factors you need to prove. But it's possible. Criminal charges have been brought for really malicious and wreckless behavior but that won't fly in all states.
http://moesadventures.wordpress.com/ Moe

As far as I am concerned Herpes does change your life. Once you have it so many of the little things in life that we take for granted are no longer an option. You can kiss the idea of kissing your children goodbye if you have it in your mouth. You can forget about sharing fluids with people are close to you which is something many people take for granted. You will always have to tell someone about your positive status which will more than likely have them running for the hills and you have to deal with the fallout from that every single time.
EmotionalFunk

I think Mr. H is a bastard, sorry and he's a selfish liar. He's a liar about a lot more than that I'll bet because lie period, not just about one thing. No way does his outreach makeup for what he's done. I don't know what to say about people going to jail though because cold sore's (not canker sore-that's an ulcer BTW) are herpes (HSV-1) and a lot of people I encountered are very ignorant about that and I've asked people guys and girl-friends if they ever get cold sores, you know they want to borrow your chapstick and stuff and if they say I say no but I say no either way. However I've been argured up and down and they swear a cold sore is not herpes and everyone gets them...I've heard that too many times in life.
So many people are so mis-informed so I can't say someone should be jailed for HSV-1 when a lot of people still don't understand it's herpes because someone which is more than likely family tells them its not. But I do think people should be jailed for knowing passing on aids and fined for herpes HSV-2 and maybe jailed to. Oh I don't think Mr. H should swear of sex but he should tell the truth and disclose whether he's asked or not instead of worrying about getting his dick wet. Sorry but his story really makes me sick cause how he was doing his thing by leaving his boxers on n shit. He's a sneaky devil and its supposed to be painful too and still was doing it with outbreaks with open skin sores and scabs...ick! He needs to be under the jail.
July

I wanna address this question: Do you think people that willingly infect others should be arrested and charged with murder?

I am pretty sure my response to this won't go down well but hey...

I think if a person raped someone and knowingly infected them with HIV/Aids or and STI then on top of the rape charge should be a murder charge. But where two consenting adults engage in sexual relations and make the decision not to use protection and things go wrong and one blames another to the point of criminal charges...that's just a bit off to me.

I think to charge the infector (I think thats a word?) with a crime shifts the ultimate responsibility that a person should have over their own health on to someone else. One shouldn't need a definate threat standing naked in front of them in order for them to think of the scary stats out there. The scary stats out there and a need to protect oneself should be more than enough reason to strap up.

In situations like this it's not as though people like Mr H ever held a gun to those ladies heads, the ladies freely engaged in sexual relations without condoms despite the fact that HIV/Aids and STI's are rampant. People face these choices every day and if they make the wrong choices then they should face the consequences. This doesn't absolve people like Mr H of any wrong doing but ultimatly its your life your decisions so why blame someone else?
http://nwso.net NWSO

@July

I definitely hear you, but for me, I think it comes down to just morals. If you know you have something and purposefully do nothing to inform or protect another person that's malicious. Just wrong.

A while back we spoke about condom usage and a woman commented about a time she was having sex with a guy and he slipped the condom off without her knowing. To me that became rape. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but it's such a violation of trust. She chose to have sex with you WITH a condom for protection safety etc, but when you decide on your own to take it off you basically forced her to have sex without a condom. Her decision making was taken away.

Back to the passing a disease, to purposely ruin someone's life and sentence them to a lifetime of pain and suffering or in some cases death is worthy of some kinda punishment in a court of law. I'll be damned if someone burn me ON PURPOSE. Yeah, I hold some accountability but if someone has unrevealed info they hold more control/power and responsibility.
Dc Man with a Plan

Wow...Mr H is a REAL mother-for-you...He's the type of dude that needs his azz kicked--daily, while in the big house with Buck, big-boy and outcast. IMO we should not extend normal moral or social courtesies to ppl who KNOWINGLY with-hold info about having HIV, aids or herpes...Period, end of story. Dude gets ZERO redeeming points for his current out reach efforts and STILL comes off like a sleeze bag to me. And while I can appreciate the morally desirable attitude Belle and July express...I'm NOT feeling it, bcuz there are situations and times when I just gotta say: Lord, don't hold this against me and pleez continue to cover me with your mercy and grace...but on THIS B/S right here......I'ma have to cast the first stone, even though I TOO, am a sinner. Yeah, sometimes you just gotta stand-up and say, even if I NEVA see glory, I'm standing in the gap sayin THIS shyt ain't right and the penalty ought to be harsher than for MOST all other sins......
Ms Philadelphia

I have an Unlce (of sorts) who maliciouslly infected several (many) women with HIV. He was sued in a court in the state of PA for murder. He was convicted and has been senenced to life in prison. He willingly infected these women because he was infected (from his male lover and/or prostitue) and was angry about the disease. He informed the judge in court "I will continue to infect as many women as I can". His own mother had him arrested and brought the charges against him.

Now he did "look" like something was "wrong" with him... but he slept with men and women who then slept with "regular" people .. who went home to people like the ones who read/post here everyday. Sadly it will not stop. He continues to have sex in jail. And those people continue to be released and come home to people.... you get the picture.

I work in the healthcare field (an ER to be exact) and the number of people who pass through those doors that are HIV positive will alarm you! I promise. Some I have seen handing me my food at a drive thru window before. Some I have seen sitting at the bar @ Applebee's lauguhing it up and looking good... with someone "spitting game" in their ear.

The diseases and the people with them are out there.. they sit next to you at work, church, the Dr office, and everywhere you look.. they are not confined to an island and not living somewhere else besides you never to ever mingle with you.

Please protect yourself. Nobody else will.
Dc Man with a Plan

As July passionately stated, there is a stigma towards ppl with Herpes and Aids/HIV...Throughout history, there have ALWAYS been outcasts, for one reason or another. What is the term: Leper colony? The list could go on and on....Humans are like that. It's hard as hell to be different AND want to be accepted. WE, (human race) are just NOT like that. We like " normal " in all it's acceptable variations...lol....and though it's a ROUGH world for ppl with Aid/HIV, Herpes, nobody owes you friendship, love or a good smack on the azz. It's okay to NEVER have sex again. What amendment to the constitution guarantee’s you a good sex life? I also agree that HAVING HIV/Aids, herpes, does NOT mean you're a skank. THERE are plenty of ppl who were the committed person in a relationship and ended up bamboozled and screwed by their partner. Uhhmmm, AND? If we're gonna have pity parties...I'ma save mines for people with childhood diabetes, cancer, visible forms of mental retardation, etc,. bcuz MANY people treat you differently, as in ostracized, when you have ANY of those things I just mentioned..and most of them are hereditary or induced by environmental conditions that are beyond ones control. I'ma save my sympathy for innocent people, bcuz IF I or YOU have aids...unless it was RAPE...we participated--willingly. And though making bad choices or decisions doesn't always have life altering consequences--somtimes they DO and you still have to MAN-UP and say: THIS was on ME. Does that mean you're a bad person? No it doesn't, but you not gonna get sympathy from the rest of us either. So as harsh as it may sound: DEAL with it...and don't use the realities of LIFE, people and the world as it is...as an excuse to be carless or condemn others by NOT telling them your kNOWN status. Can't blame that on the a l c o h o l !!!!!
http://www.brandonsaintrandy.wordpress.com Brandon St. Randy

Didn't Michael Vick have to pay up some serious civil money to a chick he knowingly infected with Herpes? Before he started fucking with them dogs. You see the progression there, right? One minute you're purposely giving people the Herp, the next you're electrocuting man's best friend. Slippery slope. Just google Ron Mexico
The Intellect

Scary moment in my life: I got tested at the end of the semester and received a false postive from a private doctor who was not my regular gyno. I had a nervous breakdown and had to go home and visit my regular gyno, who informed me that I did not have HSV 2 but something else that was curable and not STD/I related. Needless to say it was a big wake up call and I began doing my research.

I find it staggering that 1 in 5 people have herpes and that 1 in 4 women have it. Sadly, this is a common thing now but it is not something that will hold people back. Would I be willing to talk to someone with it, yes because I have done my own research and I know that if they take the drugs everyday it helps greatly decrease the chances of passing it along. However, this is not to say that I will be reckless and not demand more from my partner. I was lucky that my second blood test came back negative and I am thankful for that everyday. But I refuse to be scaried and shut off from life.

Like NWSO said don't just practice safe sex but also smart sex. Demand more from your partners, get tested together, and if you find that your partner is cheating or not truly committed then leave. Don't add to the numbers but don't look down on those that are apart of the numbers because you never know you might be the one to have it.
The Intellect

P.S. I love that your banner ask a question that I asked my gyno: Why isn't herpes testing mandatory?

I am lobbying with other students at my college to make Herpes apart of the standard STD/I testing protocol. HIV is included why not herpes. Just because it won't kill you doesn't mean that you shouldn't have the right to know. I think if enough people lobbied for it, then it would happen
Chanel

That man is a sociopath. I don't give a damn if he saw the light, he has a clear disregard for the health and feelings of others. If that isn't sociopathic behavior, I don't know what is. You're a real pro, interviewing someone like that with a straight face. I would have had to duck into the bathroom and throw up a couple of times. I'm sorry, but that is beyond disgusting. He really should be facing assault charges.

I read WAOD on a regular basis -- what did you think of the criticisms the blogger laid out?
http://semi-literate.blogspot.com Netta

Well that was disturbing. I definitely know females who have herpes and don't tell their partners and consistently engage in unprotected sex. I think I'm going to stay to myself from now on.... My ex wander around trying to infect women with HIV (according to his last 2 exes). The world is scary and the DC sex scene is straight up deadly.
litrisha

I did read that article and I was thinking to myself like "Damn", Mr.H is off the hook and selfish. That stuff is real scary and that's why I keep my legs CLOSED the majority of the time when I first meet someone. I think it's very important to get to know someone before you cock them legs open because you never know. I commend Mr.H for coming out but he needs to hang his "thing" up for a while....like permanently, I know he's a man and everything but that's not fair. That is REAL scary!
Anonymous

Considering there are at least 35 versions of herpes (including shingles), you need to ensure you are properly educating your readers. Not all herpes viruses are sexually transmitted. You can contract oral herpes by kissing someone or drinking after someone who has a cold sore. Furthermore, CDC does not consider oral herpes a STD. The problem with genital herpes (or herpes simplex 2) is that many people do not even know they have it. Blisters can appear anyplace and may not be detectable to the visible eye (in the mouth, inside the vagina etc.). Also the virus can be spread when an infected person is "shedding". Instead of giving opinions give some more facts to help people be well informed.
http://www.nubiamag.com Cari

I use to volunteer at Planned Parenthood a few months ago and the stories I heard along with the reckless behavior displayed killed my mojo. Although I was dating someone at the time and we were both tested, I talked about stats and STD including HIV on a continuous basis. It got to the point that he asked me not to come over if I was leaving the center. I could not believe the total disregard people have for themselves and others. If you don't care about your life that's one thing but why f-up another person's because you're mad at the world. The stats are scary and these damn nasty ass valtrex do not help. One in four what an outrageous number.

BTW Mr. H is lucky some chick didn't roll through and shank his ass. People please condoms are our friend. Get tested and stay protected...
http://nwso.net NWSO

@ Anonymous

Thanx for your input. Yes, I admit I wrote this one in a hurry and based it more on my experience/conversation with Mr. H. You may have missed it but I also included various links to articles throughout the post and my fellow blogger ABelleInBrooklyn, who I highlighted and included a link to, had much more stats and knowledge on subject that's why I advised folks to read her post as well. I never claimed to be an expert on this virus and am learning as I look into it more but I wanted to get a message out and at least begin the discussion. There's no time like the present.

But i definitely look for people more versed on the topic and any topic for that matter to chime in and inform and educate. It's a community affair and someone always has more knowledge than the next person. So once again, thanx for shedding some light on the broader issue.

Respectfully,

NWSO
Elle

Um when we are saying "herpes" are we talking about "genital herpes" only or are we throwing "orofacial herpes" in the mix?

While genital herpes is a full grown STD and not to be toyed with, I don't think we should shout "Sodom and Gomorrha" when somebody has a herpes blister on the lip. Things like that can be contracted any and everywhere even as a child with no sexual intentions whatsoever.

Plus:
Antibodies that develop following an initial infection with a type of HSV prevents reinfection with the same virus type. In other words: a person with a history of orofacial infection caused by HSV-1 cannot contract herpes whitlow or a genital infection caused by HSV-1. If an oral HSV-1 infection is contracted first, seroconversion will have occurred after 6 weeks to provide protective antibodies against a future genital HSV-1 infection.

I'm not gonna comment on Mr. H's behaviour. Enough has been said already.
sankore

Sorry to inform you folks, but you can still get herpes even if you use a condom. If the person you are sexing has a wart on his or her pelvic area or pubic hair area you can become infected. This happens because of the skin on skin action. So if a female has warts on her vaginal area and is having sex with her man, guess what he can become infected. Condoms do not 100% stop the herpes virus. What about the person that doesnt have a wart on their private parts but has inner mouth sores and performs oral sex, yeah you guessed it the other person can get infected. I can remember one incident while doing my yearly check up, when my gynocologist gave me new literture informing me that, some who are tested for herpes can get a false negative due to the fact that they had no breakout at the time!!!! This shocked me because, I had never heard this before. Meaning, if you dont have the actual warts themselves you might think you are safe!! So folks please, please, please be careful. This scared me so much that I refuse to have sex. Its been five years and counting.

P.S. I do not allow myself to read Wet Wednesday unless I am home so that I can take a very, very,very cold shower after I read it LOL!!
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Sankore

Yes. Just like I told anonymous above, I don't claim to be an expert on herpes virus. I'm just a man with an opinion an dI tried to sprinkle some links to more factual articles and stats within the piece.

BUT my message that I hope was/is clear is more than safe sex but SMART sex. Despite Mr. H's horror story, I truly believe his current method of going to get tested with a new potential mate for EVERYTHING before getting physical is a great idea. It's one of the positives I got out of that interview.

There are different strands of this virus, too much to cover in one simple blog but I think a common thought is that oh herpes is some ancient virus and only X people get that, never me, when in fact the stats show that to be farthest from truth.

Also, as much as many of you guys may (or may not) love this blog, you should never just get info from a blog. Take it as a guide and do your own research. Build a better communication with your own doctor and ask questions. It's your body, your life, and your right.
Dc Man with a Plan

NWSO is a true professional! Props to you, padner, bcuz you have a cool restraint that is commendable, especially for a New Yorker..lol..I know, I know, it's a stero-type about y'all but I'm from the New England states so I'm up there with ya, on the real. The ANONYMOUS person, throwing bricks at your blog subject acts as IF he/she, it, was DIRECTED to read and participate in this discussion. Those of us who are regulars as well as persons that are unbiased, will readily add their two cents without feeling the need to pass judgement on what you coulda said, or how much more info you coulda given, etc,. This is a BLOG, not a book. NWSO gave props to other folks and links to places where more detailed research is provided...and if you really wanna know: Google it your damn self. Actually, if you read the posts there are several persons in the medical field that have also provided specific information about herpes from a clinical and professional stand-point...and yest, U still have a complaint?Sheesh, Jealous wanna be blogger--GET A life!!! Unlike NWSO.......I can show you my AZZ and be perfectly pleased doin it....:)
sankore

@ NWSO, no, no sweetie dont get me wrong, I was just sharing an experience that I had with my doctor and how it scared the hell out of me. I read the links that you posted and they were very informative. Keep doing what you doing Love because I truly appreciate it.

Peace
Latsyrc41

@Dc Man with a Plan

For some people, going around to blogs and being disrespectful and inflammatory is simply what they do. They can't enjoy the discourse and share information like "normal" folk.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Sankore

that whole comment wasn't for you. just a general psa to everyone.

i plan to revisit this topic again for sure
Shay from L.A. (Los Angeles)

My ex had genital herpes...

He didn't disclose this information to me until about a year into our relationship. He said that he didn't tell me early on for fear of me rejecting him. I don't think most people who are infected hide this information because they want to be malicious, they are scared of rejection.
musicman

Oh HELL NO! The gift that keeps on giving...he'll burn in hell level 9 for that one...no glove no love people...never box without your gloves on!
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Shay

I'm sure this is way after the fact and you can look back at it differently, but what were your thoughts when he revealed that? Did the relationship continue long after? What led him to come forward?

Sorry, if i'm prying too much but i'm curious how that all goes/went down
musicman

@Anonymous...With all of those "facts" are you anonymous because you had to learn all of this post diagnosis? NWSO never claimed to be a health expert...more a concerned global citizen who sees the need to address the issue publicly.

Just curious...the end of your comment seemed in poor taste. We cant ALL be experts
Dc Man with a Plan

in response to Shay's entry: I don't have an STD/I and I fear rejection too...BUT, I still get up each day and take risks, and pursue chances and opportunities bcuz THAT's what a MAN does..I holl at ladies bcuz that's what a man does...and on the real, that's what a REAL woman does too. It's ' cool ' that you evidently took that info and didn't go postal...I don't know if YOU can say you caught feelings and so after the fact, you can justify or rationalize what he did and find it a'ight...For me...LOVE or not, U tellin me a year later woulda been a problem. a BIG-AZZ problem! Bcuz shyt like that IMO....Is truly F*cked up. To get me caught up with you, though we woulda been using protection.....but as has been stated elsewhere, shedding can still result in getting whatever form of herpes the person has.....THAT is way foul to me..and UNFORGIVEABLE. But again, I commend your attitude and I RESPECT it. That ain't me...so keep me in your prayers so that onde day, I too, may be able to over look such a thing...For now, however.........That is the type of news a woman is gonna need to tell me from out of state if she's waited for us to exchange test results for the normal battery of tests (KNOWING Herpes is not included), then had sex and NOW you wanna tell me some shyt like this? Naw, shorty, you wrong...wayyyy wrong. Yup, I'm small minded like that. But I'm consistently honest about how I am...so you'll know in advance.
cherishb

I am married and even though I am married I get tested for everything under the sun. I had a friend die of aids and watched him wither away to nothing.I rather be safe then sorry
Latsyrc41

@Shay from L.A. (Los Angeles)

Not to sound unsympathetic and I don't mean this in an offensive way, but...someone is going to expose me to a potentially life threatening/life altering disease or infection to keep from getting their feelings hurt? Unacceptable.
Shay from L.A. (Los Angeles)

@ NWSO

He was always very adamant about using condoms, so one day I asked him why since we were in a managomous relationship and I was on birth control (no excuse not to use a condom, I now know). He kind of just blurted it out due to my nagging.

I thought he was joking at first then I realized he was serious. Of course I was angry and I felt betrayed, becauseI felt like he took my choices away.

We broke up shortly after, but not because of the herpes.

@ Latsyrc41

I know rejection isn't an excuse and it is unacceptable to lie. However, I do have three friends that have herpes, and two of them don't even bother to date because they don't want to go through the heartache once they reveal that they have herpes. I guess I'm just more sympathetic because I have close friends with the disease and I see how the stigma affects their lives.
MomOf3

I know a LOT of people with it. They live normal everyday lives. Recently I thought to ask if they inform every partner and more times than not the answer is no... Until now I wasn't aware that herpes wasn't tested for automatically. So what about during pregnancy? What if I had it and passed it on to my children unknowingly? That's a very scary thought...
missC

Unfortunately, I was infected with an STI from my ex (most likely caught while he was away at school) and didnt find discover it until more than a year after we had stopped seeing each other. This was HPV and not herpes (although i was tested for that and thankfully that was negative). When i managed to push aside all the hurt and anger and called him to tell him what i was told by my doctor, he was just as shocked as i was to find out that he was infected.

but that's not what i came to comment about really. now that i know that i have HPV and although i dont have any negative symptoms (i.e. warts) i need to be able to tell the next guy that i get involved with the truth. just thinking of it is making me nervous and has often kept me up at night (because there is someone and we're definitely feeling each other). Now the task is how to approach that. Its not like my actions are what led to me getting an STI (my ex was the first sexual relationship ive had, and i was his - until he went away- and even then, i was always careful. his "extracurricular activities" only came to light after all was said and done, unfortunately for me)
Ive had one friend tell me that i should just not tell him, since most people dont ever realize that they've got HPV and the body (in a healthy person) deals with it on its own. but i couldnt go on knowing that this could create problems for him (or another girl he's with if not me) down the road - my conscious would eat me alive.

how would you (or have you if that's the case) approach telling someone that you've got an STI?
Dc Man with a Plan

This shyt gets real SERIOUS! I feel for you Ms. C. A lady with a conscious. I don't really have an answer for you, but my suggestion is: Make sure you're more than 'feeling him.' I think you gotta feel as if this person is someone you could be with for a long term, monogamous relationship and it SHOULD take a minute b4 you get to feeling like that, meaning, 6 months to a year, in my book. Because you don't want to be sharing this emotional, serious information with a dude who might be no more than a summer fling. AND, rightly so, your conscious won't allow you to 'skip' telling him bcuz it's NOT right. I commend you for that. Unfortunately, or depending on your perspective, fortunately, YOU no longer have the option of being as care-free as SOME are now that you have this status. Not that I condone or encourage anyone to be promiscuous....but you definitely do not have that option and therefore you need to be MORE certain a person has character and is not just runnin game to get some bcuz you MAY find more rejection if you do not put in due diligence than you may experience if you give a relationship time to make sure you feelin dude...and he's feeling you on a deeper tip. IF I'm feeling a woman and she popped this on me....WE might be able to work something out bcuz of the honesty, attraction and the fact that there is medication and awareness that can reduce the chances of passing it on....Just my two cents....You'll figure it out once you get a few other inputs......
http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

It is our personal responsiblity to look out for ourselfs! If you have unprotected sex you are putting yourself at harms way. Because alot of people who are infected dont even know!
http://myspace.com/nexus_da_underdawg da ThRONe

Me personally I would date a chick with herpes!
Anonymous

I am so amazed and happy to see people actually having a civilized and educated discussion about HSV. As someone who got it from her ex boyfriend of 4 years nearly 6 years ago, I was completely destroyed by it. Luckily, herpes has been a non-issue physically in my life but like many of you the social and emotional complications are the real killers here. We need to continue to do our own research individually and share the information with everyone we know. This way we can help educate and reduce the stigma attached to this and other STD/STIs. Ignorance is not bliss here. The more you know the better you will be able to handle it.
Someone had asked if you could pass it on to your child while pregnant. From my research, the answer is not exactly. The only way a mother can pass it on to a child is if she is having an outbreak during labor in which case they would perform a C-section. Definitely let your doctor know if you do have herpes so you can monitor it together and keep your baby safe.
Additionally, there is a vaccine in the works that would help protect girls/women who are not infected with herpes.
A good website to reference (if it hasn't been referenced already) is http://www.herpes.com/.
Jenn Perez

This is some Really Crazy shit that you throw RIGHT after Wet Wednesday.. Dried me up for sure!!
I agree with Chanel, dude is a fuking sociopath. Who the fuck, in their right minds will knowingly infect someone with any type of disease~~ and I thought that ish was illegal. I know that a prostitute here in SRQ was arrested and made the news and everything cuz she was knowingly fkng guys after being diagnosed with HIV. That shit scares the hell out of me~ the statistics do not make it any better. I think that I will just get a damn toy, its safer and my goodness I will kill a dude for some shit like that. Shay~ i commend you because I wouldve fucked him up..just thinking of a condom probably breaking or any other crazy wild accident that could happen. People that act this way are not irresponsible, they are downright dangerous. Obviously they have no regard for others and fuk rejection, embarassment or anything like that. If you can't deal with it, dont fuk period. Hopefully tomorrow's topic will be much brighter! NWSO dont do Think about it Thursdays after Wet Wednesdays!!
GalOnTheWebb

This is some serious sh*t. I grew up in Africa, and in the late 1990's and early 2000's, HIV and AIDS was an epidemic, forget herpes and chlamydia. That one sexual encounter in the raw was something that could end your life as you knew it, and many times, it did, seeing as there were no affordable anti retroviral drugs as there are now. So we all learnt one mantra- 'I will die with the condom', which means that ANY and EVERY sexual encounter, including giving head, takes place with a condom in place. There were all these civic education programmes teaching people to use condoms, and use them consistently and properly (you would not believe the number of people using old condoms that are expired); plus, all the flavoured condoms that make everything pleasant, and even tasty .
Recently, a random screening of 200 people between 25 and 35 in an African capital found that none had any STDs and/or HIV, despite ALL of them saying they were sexually active.
People who pass on these viruses and infections knowingly are criminals, and they should be treated as such. However, (unless it is rape or other forms of sexual abuse and disempowerment), it is even more criminal to carelessly have sex with anyone without a condom, especially if it is someone new, or someone we dont really know. As people have already pointed out, we need to keep ourselves informed in word and in deed.
BUT, one more thing- a new study (will find it and post it) shows that marriage is the new STD/HIV/AIDS mine field, because married people dont necessarily use condoms because they 'trust' each other, etc etc. Any thoughts on this NWSO, folks?
http://nwso.net NWSO

@GalOntheWeb

Yes, I touched on condoms in committed relationships a few weeks ago.

check it out:
http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2009/05/29/do-you-use-condoms-in-a-committed-relationship/
Salena

NWSO, I read the article in Essence. It was great to see...not a subject talked about too often.

I was infected with genital herpes about 5 years ago, and was DEVASTATED!! I had unprotected sex on several occasions with a man that I was seeing at the time.

After having a BURNING sensation while urinating for a couple of days and having those hideous bumps in my genital area, I decided to get tested. Sure enough...HERPES!! I was hoping that is was something else that could be cured with antibiotics! I would have this for the rest of my life.

I cried, cried, and cried!!! I felt that my life was OVER! I told my man about it, and he had no idea that he had it. He had NO signs!! Sure enough, HERPES! And he had NO CLUE!! Did not know whom he had gotten it from OR how long he had it.

Needless to say, I did TONS of research on it. Here's a website that can provide more info:
http://www.ashastd.org/herpes/herpes_overview.cfm

As stated by previous comments, many people have it and do not know. Many will NOT have breakouts, but the virus is dormant. You have to request to be tested for HERPES because it's not automatically done with your doctor. They test for those other common STD's/STI's (chlamydia, crabs, etc).

It WAS embarrassing for me to have, and it was difficult to have sexual relationships. It's not something that you want to share with a potential mate, but you have to. I've learned to accept it! And I have a man that loves me dearly...even with my herpes! My fiance and I have learned to get creative for those times that I have an outbreak.

So for all of you, remember to REQUEST to be tested for herpes along with HIV/AIDS, etc.
GalOnTheWebb

@ NWSO. Yes, I have seen it, thank you. I agree with you on the condoms bit until one is ready to get children. Not too long ago, condoms actually were a method of birth control if I remember correctly.
Thanks for the good work.
Cchery

I'm never having sex ever again.
DragonFly

A condom won't protect you from herpes anyway (or hpv). Skin to skin contact is how its transmitted which means the area surrounding the genitals as well, which is not covered by the condom. Can also be orally transmitted (I have a friend who contracted oral and genital herpes from her ex-husband of 12 yrs). Now she has to tell a man b4 they kiss. It's a dirty dirty game out there...
rock

Hello
I slept with someone once and have since found out that he has herpes. He lied to me, I asked him on numerous occasions before we slept together if he had been tested and he said he had recently been tested and was indeed clear of any infection. I know now I should not have trusted this man however, we had spent several months getting to know each other and he had gone to great lengths to get me to respect and trust him. This man is truly evil and I still cannot quite comprehend that I let someone like this into my life and yes trusted him. Why do people do this? I am arranging to have a test myself. Is it likely that I will have the virus even though I have no symptoms? And is there something legally that I can do about this man. He must be doing this to other women.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Rock

I'm no expert or medical professional but from what I've read and discovered yes, you can have the virus and not show any signs at all. Some people carry it for years and never have a breakout. And since doctors don't test for herpes when you get blood work done, you have to ask specifically for that test to know. That is your best bet now, to get tested immediately for everything and follow the advice of a medical professional. Hopefully, you won't receive bad news.

Just curious, how did you find out he definitely has herpes?

Also, not sure if you used protection or not (even though herpes can be contracted if the break out is outside the condom and on another part of the skin), but you should actually see someone's paperwork if you're shaky about them. But really, if you're doubtful about someone, why would you sleep with them in the first place? (talking in general).

At the end of the day, we don't really know anyone's sexual history. It is about trust and being selective in who becomes your partner, and both parties getting tested regularly.

GOOD LUCK
taylormade

To add to the topic, I there is a lot of blame on men for spreading the disease, but dealing with the medical profession myself, and working in a clinical setting I have noticed that women are most likely to spread the disease than men. Men have symptoms that are visible on the outside, women's sypmtoms occur a lot of the times on the inside, which are not usually noticed on the outside until they have carried it a while. Herpes is a very common disease, more people have than you think, the statistics are just reported numbers, the real numbers are most likely 3 times that. So ladies if youre not getting up in there, and checking yourselves out like your supposed to, you might be a carrier. I've seen it lots a times, when people come to the clinic and find out that the have herpes or some other STD and they still continue to have sex with their spouses and others. Doctors and Nurses are not allowed to tell you, that you number 1 has a disease, all they can do is advise them to tell you and other partners, if not, then like someone mentioned above, " its the gift that keeps on giving".
Respect

My now I guess ex-bf, whom I was with for almost 1 1/2 years just told me a month ago that he had herpes for 20 years!! He had lied to me from the beginning of the relationship that he had been tested and had been clean when i wanted to use condom the first time when we had sex. For a few times after that he had claimed he was clean. Among the other lies I also found out he was sleeping with his ex (he was then trying to work things out with her) while he was with me in the first few months of our relationship.

He said he didn't know how he was going to tell me he has herpes (although he was fine telling the others girls he claim he told) and that he had been very careful and taking pills for it. But he stop when we tried breaking up the last time. Since then he said he had not been taking the pill when we got back together and he does not seem bothered by it and from our discussion it sounds like he was not willing to take any precaution coz he had said it is not satisfying when having sex using a condom.

I had been tested and luckily I have not caught it from him.

I am not bothered so much by the fact that he has herpes, but I am bothered by this 43 year man's attitude.

Do know that late last year I found out I had HPV and I told him immediately when I found out what I had. Even then he was disgusted by the fact that I had HPV and was still claiming he was clean. I felt dirty and was worried that I was going to give HPV to him. I had to undergo surgery for the HPV and even then he had make it known to me that my HPV had bothered him and could affect our relationship.

I broke up with him not because he has herpes but other issues like trust and needing him to treat me like I am his girlfriend.

Well point is...well I don't know..probably just needed to vent coz it is just painful when you love someone so dearly....
Pingback: Why Men Cheat (The Hunger For More) | FreshXpress.:.The PULSE of Young Black America
Anonymous

This guy is a major creep. He shouls get the shit sued out of him and face jail time.
Anonymous

People I just want to say that everyone should get tested. Herpes is NOT included in standard std screenings. Unless you use a barrier each time you have oral sex and completely cover your genital area each time you have sex, there is no gaurantee that you will not get the disease. Wearing a condom does not guarantee that you will not contract the disease. Yes, a person who has cold sores can transmit the disease to another person's genital area by giving oral sex. I know from experience the virus can lay dormant for over 10 years. I was married and had been in a monogomous relationship for 10 years before I had my first and only outbreak.
The Outcast

Hi, I would like to share my story. As a woman who has been infected/affected with and by this virus for over 20 years now, I would have to say it hasn't been the easiest thing to manage socially or mentally. We live in a society that is "perfection" driven and when someone is less than "perfect", they are often ostracized for being "different". Whom I contracted this virus from, I don't know, At what date, time, place, I don't know, all I know is I was a young woman in my teens just experiencing the wonderful act of sexual intercourse. Do I blame the young man who infected me? No I don't. Do I hate or have resentment toward him? No I don't. Do I wish I didn't have this "occasional inconvenience"? Yes, but I have what I have and life goes on. One thing I know is that black people can be some judgmental, ignorant, uncaring a** people. Do you know how I was treated by some people who I disclosed the info to out of trust? I was made to be the public whore who was laughed at, disowned, and talked about. Do you know the feeling of being rejected, not only rejected but put down and made to feel less than human, less than loved, less than attractive? My last relationship was 7 years ago and when I told my ex he was not even moved by it and wasn't even afraid of catching it, which he never did, what a man! We didn't even break up over that, it was just a "small inconvenience" we had to work around. I hear my co workers joking about herpes like its some extremely f**cked up disease for "nasty" people and it hurts my feelings because I have it and it's really not as bad as most would believe. You mention herpes and people automatically think big a** open, oozing sores and scabs, severe burning and agony. This is not always the case, this usually happens early on in the infection if indeed it does manifest physically. I have such mild outbreaks that they hardly bother me, as a matter of fact, my period causes me more distress, lol. As far as children, I have two healthy, beautiful young adults who are herpes free so pregnancy is possible. My greatest obstacle is informing people who are so narrow minded and shallow that they run before you finish giving them the facts. I know it's one's right to be informed of my status, and their choice to leave or stay, not disputing that. But the one thing I can't tolerate is total and blind ignorance about the subject. Automatically all the love they allegedly had for you goes out the window and they have nothing more to say to you. Someone said that you draw those things to yourself that you fear the most, and if we keep running around all paranoid about catching STI's or cancer or whatever you fear, you will only give energy to that very thing and it just might find you. I plan on living my life with this virus, and I plan on loving with this virus. No, I'm not going to limit myself to the herpes dating sites (our people don't really use those anyway, so me finding a black man with it whom I'm compatible with is like trying to find a needle in a haystack), I'm going to love who I love and if they reject me, too bad for them because I'm much more than this virus and what it's been hyped up to be. I am a beautiful black woman who is worthy of all the blessings that life has to give. This has happened to me for a wonderful reason, so that I can know the pain and suffering of others and to show compassion for those who are what society would label "outcasts". I beg you to examine your own hearts and why you feel the way you do. Like someone said, there's more compassion for people with HIV than there is for people with HSV or HPV for that matter. There should be compassion for ALL people who not only suffer from physical disease itself, but from the harshness and criticism from those who are not in the same situation, who think they're better because they have been given "a clean bill of health". Believe me, I have seen the same people fall victim to the very thing they bragged about not having, and now they want the compassion of others. As for the man mentioned in the article, true indeed, he should have been more responsible in his actions, but how many of you have lied to someone about something that you felt would bring a negative reaction if you were truthful? I know what he experienced and I know what he faced, it's not easy being alone all the time without companionship, without intimacy, sometimes it's very difficult to "break the news" and you have to be a strong person to do it. I'm not condoning his irresponsibility, I just want you to see the reasons why he might not have been honest. Let's be real folks, education, communication, and compassion are what we need, not judgement. And by the way, I think most people have or have had something sexually transmitted in their lives, whether you know it, or care to admit to it. I know I might not be popular here, so what, I've always been "different". I love you all, and God does too.
The Outcast

And for those who have it, it's not the end of the world, and you are deserving of love and relationship like anyone else. Love yourself first in spite of what society has labeled you as, be true to yourself and others and the universe will grant you the desires of your heart and blessings will follow you. You were allowed to experience this situation for a greater purpose and in the end you will see the reasons why. Hold your head up and be encouraged, it's not over till The Creator and you say it's over. I love you!
http://nwso.net NWSO

@The Outcast

Thanx for being open to sharing your story and having such a positive outlook on the virus. I think a lot of people needed to hear your voice and get something from that. I know I did.
Winter137

OMG, I almost threw up in my mouth. I don't understand people who don't disclose this sort of info but it's real out there. Thanks for this blog.
Constance

I, have herpes, My childs father had herpes, did not let me know, and I gave birth to our daughter who contracted the virus from me from birth. She almost died. She is a miracle baby. I feel its wrong to not tell someone that you have an std before you sleep with them. The story with Mr. H, is terrible. Those women should of had a choice, like me. Its almost been a year now, that my daughter was born and she is still recovering. I have no been intimate with anyone since, and i will not. I do not feel its right.
doctorsdonttest

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SAY IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL NOT TO DISCLOSE YOUR HERPES STATUS... HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TESTED FOR HERPES? I SERIOUSLY DOUBT YOU HAVE. MOST DOCTORS DON'T TEST FOR IT. AND IF YOU ASK THEY WILL TRY TO TALK YOU OUT OF IT!! THERE IS A VERY HIGH CHANCE YOU ALREADY HAVE IT AND YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN IT TO PEOPLE!

DON'T BELIEVE ME? GO GET TESTED!!!
smart girl

I completely agree with you. I think its unfair for someone who has herpes to have to go through the painful element of being rejected over and over and over again bc they ahve to tell someone. If you don't ahve sex when youre having an outbreak and you use anti virals and stay healthy there is a good chance that no one will contract it from you. even without condoms. most ppl have it and dont even know it anyway so why should you ahve to bare yourself to the point of humiliating rejection when they most likel have enver even had the proper testing done to determine if THEY already have it.

herpes is nothing more than a dermalogical issue. its the same as chicken pox ans shingles in strucutre and class/ family of virus. ppl make stigmas about it and its UNFAIR. hiv will kill you. hiv is DEADLY. herpes is not. even chlamydia and gonorehha can do terrible things to your fertility and your body. HERPES can not! so frankly i dont care what people think about not telling a partner and managing your symptoms personally. thats how im going to handle it.

until society wakes the fuck up and realizes that herpes is not a deadly disease and its not funny to make jokes and act disgusted by people who ahve it then the rest of us who do are going to keep our mouths shut and let you roll the dice. you want change- then start with yourself. be ok with herpes- know the facts. and then maybe your partner will feel better about telling you.
Kasey Canes

I usually don’t normally post on many Blogs, nevertheless I just has to say thank you… keep up the amazing work. Ok unfortunately its time to get to school.
yup

This is why I dont believe in God
This is also why as a society we will never united cuz of ignorance.. There are cures for every illness in this world I truly believe. its pisses me off because u know these people are using this disease u profit off people who got it. I'm a GHSV1 suffered and man i still have outbreaks. I havent been in a relationship in 2 going on 3 years and i dont think i'll ever will.. My life is screwed as well as the rest of us.. So as people who suffering.. We have to put our heads together and find a cure or treatment that can atleast prevent us from spreading it to others. Once a cure or treatment is founded.. Cut everybody off in the world who look down on you for having something ALL MEN are prone to catching. Yet we let TV and ignorant overruled our intelligences when it comes to things like this.. After going to website after website reading filth about herpes and its dangerous and all dat shit when it REALLY is a mild skin disease dat most people barely even see, I don't even care to date anymore and now u need money because of a virus? Fuck this world and everybody in it. If they is a God which I highly doubt.. He should end this shit. We got BIGGGGER issues to worry about than some damn herpes doe. Much love Mr.H. Comments like the ones below is the reason it should continue to spread so these "selfish" "inconsiderate" muthafuckas can feel how u feel.. You don't gotta sleep with someone with herpes but atleast respect them because they are still human too.. I dont have no remorse for people who think like all 69 comments belows think.. When u get infected one day, u will see and i will have a big smile on my face cuz now u can't ridicule and disrespect now