Recession Depression (Help, I Can't Take It Anymore)
I always try to keep a positive outlook. I often tell myself that this is a good time for creative folks. This is the kind of environment where dreams become reality. Since there's nothing left to lose, I have everything to gain. But no matter how many pep talks you give yourself, we all eventually hit the wall. I call it recession depression and I got it bad.
There are many things that can trigger recession depression for me. A string of workless weeks and rejected pitches, seeing others living carefree while I’m floundering (not to be confused with hating), or realizing I can't do everything I want to do when I want to because of my financial limitations. The biggest cause, though, is receiving my bank statement at the end of the month and seeing my ever-fluctuating final balance.
The other day I found myself face-to-face with a figure I hadn't seen in a while. The more I analyzed the paperwork to see how I got all the way from my comfort zone to here, the worse it got. My bank recently separated everything on the statements into depressing neat little piles—withdrawals, checks paid, and deposits. As expected, section No. 3 was the lesser of the trio.
I knew my income had lessened considerably since getting laid off back in January and I have long since re-budgeted my spending but to see the monthly pluses and negatives side-by-side was a stark reminder of my financial reality and instability. I'm surviving and doing better than most, which I’m amazingly thankful for, but I don't know how I can and for how much longer I can keep this up. Sigh!
I was facing full-blown recession depression. My boys tried to make me feel better by taking me out for drinks, but the idea of spending money I didn’t have on something as frivolous as alcohol (especially when I have a pantry full of free drinks at home) didn’t seem wise. I ordered a glass of water. They bought me a round of Riesling. The idea was to cheer me up, but it backfired.
While I appreciated the effort, at that stage of my recession depression, the last thing I wanted was pity. I didn’t need to feel like someone’s “bitch.” My mind was on everything else but what was going on in that bar. My thoughts were on bills, work and more bills. As crazy as it sounds, all I wanted was to be in front of my computer, where I could actually try to secure a check and formulate some profitable ideas. Just somewhere I could focus on making money and not spending it.
See, I’m less social when I’m consumed by recession depression. I dig myself a deep hole and tuck myself farther away from the crowd. I turn on a cryptic away message on IM or just go altogether invisible. I send out ominous Tweets like, “My boy once told me that we're all just a string of bad luck away from being homeless." Well, I've seen a lot of strings in my lifetime—some good, some bad. Recently I found myself the disgruntled owner of the latter.
Normally, I don't let recession depression keep me down for too long. It only adds more fuel to my fire. I refocus and go harder. I find make my way because all I got is me. I don't believe in the word boredom, so I always find something to focus on. A new goal to achieve. There ain't no time to wallow in self-pity and doubt. Maybe for a minute but not forever.
This time things felt different. The end of unemployment is looming. Magazines, which are my financial lifeline, are falling by the wayside or drastically cutting budgets so that my written words come at a lesser price, if at all. My bills outweigh my dollar bills and I don't know how to tilt the odds back in my favor.
I tried to shake it off. My plan was to go into Tuesday focused and hungry. Pitch ideas, secure some work, and make more checks than I write, but life had other plans. Before I even got out of bed I checked my Blackberry to find an urgent message from my tenant. Apparently there was a bad leak in my rental property that's caused considerable damage to the downstairs apartment's wall.
Fuck!
The idiotic super, who I can barely understand half the time because of his thick accent, said they may have to break into the bathroom wall to check the pipes or rip out the toilet altogether. Not only would this ruin the remodel work I did just two years ago, but as home owner/landlord, the cost of the repair work could fall all on me. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse. Another debt to be paid. Another prayer to be prayed.
Yesterday, I woke up at 5am so I could make the hour-and-a-half trek to Queens to greet the plumber. I expected the worse—a huge four-digit bill and a wrecked bathroom for my troubles. Instead, I was greeted with a quick resolve for the issue, with an affordable, under the table, price tag. The tide of good fortune continued to turn as I received a text from a new editor saying how she loved the hilarious piece (“10 Things Not To Say to a Black Guy”) I had turned in the night before.
That was followed by another email about a possible assignment later that day, which I readily accepted. When it was all said and done, I snagged two more interviews and the response I’ve been waiting a week for finally came through from a publicist. Suddenly, what was expected to be a stressful day that would amplify my recession depression, turned out to be a long day with many welcome surprises.
Regardless how some feel about religion I always find that whenever recession depression has me at an all-time low, God comes through with a helping hand. Back-to-back assignments, that delinquent check I should have got way back in February finally arrives, an opportunity to build my brand falls in my lap, something good happens—eventually.
Although this week eventually turned around, I’m sure I’ll get hit with another dose of recession depression much sooner than I’d like. I imagine such is the case for many of you as well. I won’t lie and say that I put all my faith in the idea that things will always magically work themselves out, but I know that I can’t let the negative energy stop me from surviving and striving. We all have to stay positive in these tough economic times and support each other the best way we can. My bills won’t stop any time soon, and neither will I.
Am I the only one who suffers from recession depression? Are you living check to check? If so, what cutbacks are you making to make ends meet? Do you think single people have it harder than households with two potential earners? If you’re single and unemployed like me, do you feel completely alone at times? Are you too proud to ask a family member or friend for help? Have you considered moving back home with your parents or to another state? What’s your game plan for surviving the times?
Speak your piece…
UPDATE:
CLICK HERE to see what song really helped me feel better.
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