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#09 Why Men Cheat (The Hunger For More)

Posted by NWSO • August 26, 2009 • Printer-friendly

There’s a film called Little Children that came out some time in 2006. Although I’ve never seen the movie I do remember this one particular quote about cheating from the trailer that always stuck with me.

During the course of a conversation, between two female characters, one confesses to cheating on her husband and explains her reasoning for it: “It’s not the cheating. It’s the hunger—the hunger for an alternative and the refusal to accept a life of unhappiness.”

Wow!

As a writer, I just love the way the screenwriter(s) phrased that. Far be it for me to condone adultery (there’s way too many STDs/STIs—and something called morals—out there for that) but I feel like he/they perfectly encapsulated the rationale of a cheater. Sure, there are those who dip on their lover for purely selfish reasons but the “refusal to accept a life of unhappiness?”

What are you supposed to say to that?

Well, I’d probably say, “If you ain’t happy then why are you with me?” But it’s not that uncommon for someone to stay in a bad relationship for a plethora of reasons ranging from the kids and security to lack of self-worth and plain ol’ comfort. Whatever the case, cheating sucks for all parties.

The cheater has to deal with the guilt (hopefully) of leading a double life and hurting his/her partner, while the unsuspecting mate is faced with the cold hard truth that something is lacking in their relationship or they longer make their lover “happy.”

Just as the quote from Little Children illustrates, that’s more than likely the reason for a woman’s infidelity. While both sexes experience physical attraction and desires, women are typically more prone to cheating for emotional reasons, while men’s fornication follies tend to revolve around lust.

Someone recently forwarded me a link to a segment of CBS’s The Early Show called “Men Behaving Badly: Why Men Stray” that featured two relationship experts. The first was M. Gary Newman who authored The Truth About Cheating, and the other was Matt Titus a relationship coach/reformed cheater.

Right off the bat host Julie Chen asked Titus why he cheated. His response: “I was physically attracted to another woman and I let that rule my life. I wasn’t a forward-thinking male. I was led by my instinctive behavior. I didn’t think about the repercussions of my actions.”

Sounds about right to me. Anytime I’ve gotten caught out there doing something I shouldn’t have it was because I wasn’t thinking clearly. “The hunger for an alternative” clouded my judgment and I found myself regretting my actions.

Titus goes on to recall a time where he was on his way to his girlfriend’s house when he got into a motorcycle accident that almost took his life. He woke up right before going into the CatScan machine and grabbed the technician and said, “Buddy, my wife is probably in the waiting room and my girlfriend’s on the way, please call my girlfriend and tell her not to come… That’s a low point in my life”

Newman has a totally different understanding of why men cheat. He actually says the No. 1 reason is due to, “an emotional disconnect at home. It’s not blaming the wife at all it’s just saying that they find in the mistress things that they unfortunately don’t find at home and they’re not emotionally articulate and verbal like we’d hope they would be so they will not tell you that they need the appreciation, they need the admiration, that they’re far more insecure then they’d like you to know.”

Contrary to popular belief (and mine as well), Newman found that 88-percent of men in his study said that the cheating was not about sex. They admitted that the mistress was not better looking or in better shape than their wife… it wasn’t about sex but the emotional disconnect that wasn’t served up at home.

Other key factors for male cheating in Newman’s book are infrequency of sex (you don’t have to be a super freak but regular passion helps) and cheating friends (birds of a feather flock together).

The closing advice from Titus hits home the hardest. “Kids, job, the stress of having a relationship will take away from the intimacy that actually started the relationship…. Make the marriage one long first date.”

Do you think there’s a difference between why men and women cheat? Have you ever cheated or been cheated on? Ware the reasons for the infidelity based on emotional comfort of physical? Do you think that having a friend that cheats is likely to influence someone to do the same? Is there any scenario where you would stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on you? Which form of cheating hurts more, emotional or physical?

Speak your piece…

MEN BEHAVING BADLY CLIP

Tagged as: CBS, cheating, infidelity, Julie Chen

Sarah Power

Men cheat because they feel they are enetitled to "play the game" men cheat because they like the "chase" men cheat because they want to!!! Women cheat because men cheat. Women cheat because he is not treating he well emotionally or mentally. NO ONE SHOULD CHEAT. Just get out of it and be on your way!!!
Mz. Ashley

I do not believe in cheating at all. When i was young i was cheated on and it hurt me so bad. I went Psycho and just lost it. So being young and dumb, i got back with the dude and then i cheated on him, but what i didnt do was tell him. I just left him in the dark, and this was all out of revenge. I know that was wrong now, but back then i really didnt care. Ever since i was cheated on, i have a problem with trusting people. The man i have been with 3 years now, i still have trust issues with him....i dont give him a hard time about it, because i dont want to run him off, but the thought is always in the back on my mind. I have got to the point where i tell myself..."Do not get angry over something you cannot control. If he cheats, then it is his lost." Now that i am older, i dont want to cheat on my partner because i dont want to put someone through that pain....it hurts. It hurts bad.
Juicy Joi

Men cheat because they are unable to communicate with their partner soooo they just take on the *eff-it* mentality and act outside of the relationship...
i was " the other woman" for 6 months a couple years back, and he was STILL with her and refusing to break it off just yet...idk wat makes men stay within an "unhappy " relationship, but they need to get their ish straight! lol

once a cheater..always a cheater??? i myself DONT believe in that...ppl CAN change, they just have to be given proper incentive to do so..
M A R C R OO S E L E R

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAA! I am laughing at the one sided response above by Sarah Power.

I was in an engagement situation years ago that left me wounded for quite some time. I don't believe in cheating and have never done it. Why? Because I was taught a man is nothing more than his word and giving my "word" of fidelity and to go against it is just not acceptable in my cypher. Does it mean I look down on my friends when if and when they do it. Yes, and if they read this and are offended, then keep it moving, you made your bed.

I agree with the reasoning of both genders cheat because of an emotional disconnect/discontent, yet feel they can't quite leave for all those reasons presented. I understood during that relationship why someone would cheat, man or woman. People attuned to each other, keep each other. All else is eye candy, attraction is normal. But if the security of home and relationship is there no one should want for more.

I also disagree on the "no one should cheat" notion. If someone is being physically abused because of self worth issues, but can't quite seem to get out of it, get yours! It won't solve the problem, but damn it, it'll make you feel better. It will hopefully tell you that you're wanted at the very least on a physical level. Even better, that you can do better. And hopefully get out of your situation.

Lastly, if you're man/woman is cheating, perhaps it's not entirely your fault, but you guys just didn't connect like you thought you did. In fact I'd bank on that.

For me, I'd just get out of it and if it was that bad I had to get out and not an amicable separation, you gets no closure. Close the door on your way out.
jae

My last relationship I was "emotionally" cheated on and when he was confronted he said it was an "ego" thing. He said he had to know that he still was attractive to women. (He was one of those nerd to studs cases, still holding insecurities from adolescence). The one time I did cheat (on him post his infidelities) it was definitely the emotional stand point because when I gave 100% he was only giving 40%. I then kept the stability and comfort of that 40% and started looking for a man to make up the 60% he was lacking. Needless to say neither relationship lasted for long because I was not fulfilled in either nor did I have the energy to be the grown woman I claimed I was and lie to these men. In both cases of cheating between him and I it was emotional. For me the communication and things he was saying (through emails I discovered) to these women made me feel like everything between us was so irrelevant. He would call them "baby" and want to know how they were doing etc., like he really cared for these women. So when I heard "baby" or any term of endearment toward me I automatically thought of those same women who where told the same thing a few minutes prior.
M A R C R OO S E L E R

Just read the other two, I guess it's always the man's fault. Then again, I have known women in the past who go to girls night out when in reality their girl goes out and their next man goes in.

Or how about this, teach your sons to communicate as you do your daughters.

I don't really like playing the blame game, but it always seems so one sided. Yeah yeah, I'll hear it again, blah blah blah, well you men this etc.

If we are to work together then ask yourselves. If a man is not willing to communicate with you, yes there's the possibility that he just doesn't know how, but why is it he can communicate with next chick and not you?
http://www.fishandspaghetti.com/ Jay1

men cheat because they want to have new pussy but for some reason don't want to break up with whoever they're in a relationship with.

maybe they don't wanna see her cry, or they have a kid together, or she has money and he's broke and he's a piece of shit like that, maybe he just doesn't feel like moving out, maybe he really likes her more than all the other women he fucks on the side but he can't say NO to new pussy, maybe he grew up as a funny looking nerd, but now as an adult, he has money and a cool car so the chicks throw it at him and he doesn't know how to act, maybe he's a complete sociopath and is adicted to sneaking around, who knows.

Those reasons are just detailed variables. The REAL "why" in the "why men cheat" is because they want new pussy but they also want to keep their woman for whatever reason apparently.
Brandy

Men AND women cheat. It seems that men have a tendency to cheat (or get caught) more than women, but who can we blame for such behavior? Ourselves. We raise our boys and girls with different standards and are surpirsed when they grow up acting the way we taught them to. Girls are told to remain pure (or at least say you are) while the boys are told to sow their wild oats. Sometimes people want the commitment and security as well as the thrill of the fun/new person. And sometimes, as the article states, people aren't getting what they need from their partner. I've never cheated, but I was once in a relationship with a man who couldn't satisfy me and I knew for a fact that if I married him, I wouldn't be able to remain faithful for a lifetime for that reason.

Should people cheat? No. Do people cheat anyway? Yup. Now what?
M A R C R OO S E L E R

Thank you Brandy.

Anyone who sides on either way is reacting more to personal trauma.
Princess

I think men can cheat for emotional needs too like women can cheat for physical wants. Ultimately the relationship is lacking something that's why it's be sought elsewhere. I think the question that comes up for me is: How committed are you if you cheat?
single23

I think that cheating is a cowardly and selfish thing to do. You would rather do something wrong, then to stand up in order to be right. If there is an emotional disconnect from your spouse, you married them, you should find the guts to tell them what you need instead of going outside your home to get it. It's true, that men and women have been raised with different standards and have different ways of communicating, but even as we know that, as adults we still seem to have trouble communicating with the opposite sex.

I have never been cheated on to my knowledge, but I went through my first relationship without ever telling my boyfriend when he disappointed me, and that lead to more disappointments about the same things. Talking to my sister about it, she asked if I had made him aware of how I felt. When I responded negatively she says "He's not a mind reader. How can you expect him to know if you don't tell him?"
Men and women need to remember that when they find their needs not being met. How are they supposed to know, if you don't say something? Don't let fear keep you from getting the things you need.
And another thing that I have learned, is that real men will try to open up to their women, but if she responds in such a way that makes him regret his opening up, he will start to pull away. We as women can get so caught up in our lives and what we expect from him that we forget our duties to the men we would call our husband.
Rastaman

There is a tendency in our culture to try to simplify every aspect of our lives. I think many of the writers here and the experts quoted are guilty of doing the same thing. I grew up in a culture where cheating is more socially acceptable than this one and I have seen all kind of cheaters. There are men who operate like a dog in heat and sniff at every woman who cross their path and there have been men who established second families. I would not be as simplistic as to equate the motives of the men on both end of that spectrum.

It is easy to condem cheating because based on our social code it is wrong. But there are no easy answers when it comes to the question of infidelity. I have never cheated in a relationship but I have always had the luxury of leaving whenever I was no longer feeling fulfilled. But I was not living with anyone, engaged, married or have children in the home. All factors that complicate a break up.

I am not here to defend cheaters but I think many of the responses on this subject reveal a certain level of naivety to a complex human condition that has been with us forever. Just because we have established monogamy as a societal standard it does not mean that those who cannot uphold that one rule are somehow contemptous and lack moral standing. I believe infidelity is so demonized because we place too much of an emphasis on it to be frank.
http://kingdomzx.net Thunder X

The term "cheating" is an inaccurate appellation. Cheating implies someone having an unfair advantage over another, as in a competition or test. Terms better suited to describe one becoming sexually and romantically involved with someone other than their spouse would be: "Infidelity", "dishonesty", "deceit", "betrayal", and so forth. These types of behavior are not limited to connubial relationships, however. Deception is deception, betrayal is betrayal. It could all be applied to any aspect of our lives. Telling your children Santa Claus is real, not reporting all of your income to the IRS, taking steroids to enhance your performance. Lies, deceit, betrayal. It's what humans do, though certainly not all humans.

I despise artifice, hence I do not practice it. I've never been in a relationship for more than four months. Never pretended to have more money than i had, never misled a woman to believe there would be anything other than sex. People need to learn to be real with themselves before they can so much as consider attempting to keep it real with others.
the don diva

Because they are little boys and haven't grown into men yet
Deka

Good points here. It's really for the reasons why people cheat. A relationship that is lacking the fundamental emotional needs we aquire to feel love and accepted usually end up with someone cheating. Some of us can step up to the plate and speak before an event goes down. As a. Man I find it hard to speak because women exspect you to listen to them like 90% of the time lol
da ThRONe

Men and women cheat for the same reasons. Maybe not the same reason everytime but always the same reason. At the end it all comes down to caring more about what you think you need and want versus the affect it has on your partner. And the idea that "Why not I wont get caught".

Cheating is the act of a coward!
J Will

@ Thunder X - very well spoken!

One cheats because one can and wishes to cheat! We all have choices & cheating, deceiving or whatever one labels it, its still a choice you've chosen to make - good, bad or indifferent!
single23

@ rastaman

I disagree with your inference that it is wrong to simplify things. I don't see discernment as simplifying a matter. When you discern/simplify, its easier to make a decision, because you simply align yourself with what you believe to be right in a situation. But when you allow yourself to get caught up in life's complexities, that's when you find yourself straddling the fence and staying in a gray area where you can't define what is right and what is wrong.

It is not in my nature to be in the gray area, because it is that much easier for me to talk myself into doing things that don't fit in with my morals because I haven't defined the line. So I don't see that I am crossing the line until I am on the wrong side of it. I think there is a saying that "a man that doesn't stand for something, will fall for anything." And I think that's the problem with today's society.

We are teaching our kids not to make decisions, to straddle the fence. We keep telling them to take every aspect into account when they don't need to. In the past fifty years, we have seen the degeneration of people's morals, and I attribute it to people being afraid to take a stand on one side or the other for fear of being called closed minded. But if having strong moral character is being closed minded than I will be closed minded, but always compassionate.

I won't condemn a person for wrong doing, but I won't condone their wrong doings by remaining silent, or trying to justify it through factors that don't really matter. Yes, the factors influenced their decision, but they still had a choice and they made the wrong one. How can we edify and expect them to do better if we keep offering them excuses and crutches. There's a poem called "Excuses" that i think everyone should know.

Excuses are tools of incompetence
building monuments to nothingness
on pillars of insubstantiality
Those that employ this them
are seldom capable of anything but....
EXCUSES
Stormyweathers25

Hmm. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why we are talking about this again.

Over and over and over again this topic comes up and it goes no where. People cheat...shit I believe animals cheat.

Seriously, I would like everyone to do whats best for them and their relationship. Cheating, in my eyes is not the end of the world. I use to think that but although I have never been cheated on, I know that its not the end. Life has so much to offer...

People cheat for different reasons, we can't encompass them all in one hour, day, or even life time. Can we worry about other things?

Please!
Sistagirl

@ da ThRoNe....

I HEARD THAT!!!!!!
da ThRONe

@rastaman

Yeah dude cheating is/was/and will always be wrong. No excuse or explantion required. You make a commitment to someone you honor it plain and simple. If the other person pulled a 180 and isnt the person you committed to you leave. No life isnt easy but it is a lot more simple than we make it out to be. Im sure every cheater would be willing to kill if they found there S.O. giving up the goodies. Why would you do something to someone (at some point you loved)? When you know that same act would kill you inside?
Kris P

My friend and I was just having a conversation about the effect of cheating had on my ex. My ex and I hooked up in college and stayed together for 4 years. I supported him in everything he did but I guess that wasn't enough because during that last year we were together he cheated on me. I guess it was the distant that he couldn't take

Within the time frame of us breaking up, he changed and became miserable. He end up getting the girl pregnant, suffered from depression, and he's now in jail for trying to hurt his baby mama because of her careless regarding their child which resulted in her death.

I hate that all this happened to him but I always felt that one night of pleasure can hardly be worth the destruction that comes afterward
da ThRONe

@rastaman

And its ok if a person dont wanna do the whole "monogamy" thing. This is everybody choice and its not for everybody. But you cant have it both ways.
da ThRONe

@Kris P

While I think thats an extreme case it does point out some serious issue people have with being unselfish. I think we do it to ourselfs. We always say never be satisfied or always want more. And that translate to every area of our lives. Instead of enjoying what we have we are always looking for an upgrade.
Rastaman

@single23

It is great that you are able to discern so clearly. But I have lived a fairly long life and have seen and experienced much and one thing I have come to understand about life is that there are more gray areas than there are fences. People are never all the same and for most intractable issues such as infidelity are more complex than they appear.

On a daily basis we construct new rules and fortify old rules for how we live our lives because we hope to establish some order and predictability to our existence. Some way we can feel that we control our own destinies, a neat little plan of action. The reality is that life is messy!!

It is unruly, most of the times thing will unfold like we hope and then they will not. Not because of a moral shortcoming or because you did not stand up for what was "right". But because things happen, they are unplanned and you are unprepared and the answers or solutions are not simple. That is where the gray areas come into play.

I applaud your expressed moral clarity on the issue of infidelity and I hope that you never trip over life's straddled fences, fall off your moral high horse and break your very upturned neck in one of life's gray areas. Because you may have to look to someone who is just as unwavering as you in their moral clarity and they find you unworthy of understanding or assistance.
July

Both men and women cheat. Everyone has various reasons but at the root of it all is selfishness and pure cowardice. Its great having your cake and eating it too no one can deny that one no matter what emotional disconnect mumbo gumbo people may throw out there as an excuse.

If things are on a downward spiral in a relationship why not sit down and try work it out, after all golden relationships don't fall out of the sky, they take work, sacrifice etc etc. At the end of the day if that doesn't work then simply call it quits and start afresh with somebody else instead of living a double life?

All this emotional disconnect stuff sounds like such hogwash to me. Yes things aren't always a bed of roses but damn as an adult you should be able to say whats wrong and try fix it, instead of getting your fix elsewhere.
http://kingdomzx.net Thunder X

@ J Will: The use of the term "cheating" would impy that someone is "winning" and their competition "losing". It would be applicable if you and your spouse (or significant other) were running a race, and you took a shortcut in order to win. It can also be argued that the so-called "cheater" in a relationship is in fact "the loser", since whatever satisfaction gained by engaging in extramarital relationships is eclipsed by the stress of having to maintain the deception. Since there never are any "winners" in adultery, no one can be said to be "cheating". This is why I say the terminology is all wrong.

Extramarital affairs are the result of people (first) lying to themselves, and propagating that lie to others. The matter goes further than interpersonal relationships, it is indicative of an individual's propensity to deceive others. The man or woman who would engage in extramarital affairs, I would not rust with my finances. It is no surprise that Bernie Madoff, who swindled so many of their life savings, also committed adultery.
single23

@ rastaman

I may not have lived as long as you, but I disagree that life is as messy as you would have me believe. I may have an upturned neck, but I am happy and I have joy. I know there are things that happen beyond my control. But I can control how I respond to them, and my morals and beliefs are what guide me. It's not always easy to do what I know as right, but at least I know what is right.

Reading your response, I get a sense of discontent from you. You seem to have let life and its hardships have its way with you. You think you are right in your thinking that gray areas are a necessity, but where is your joy from that knowledge? Why do you seem downtrodden?

I have chosen to have power and control over myself, not the situation or those around me. That's what standing on a foundation means, that no matter what happens to me or around me, I will always find myself grounded in who I am and what I believe. And I know that without that foundation to stand on, then life can shape into what it wants me to be and not who I want to be. I choose not to operate in Gray areas. And if I ever find myself in a gray area, I will look to someone who is unwavering in their moral clarity and let them guide me back to who I want to be. But you are mistaken if you think that person is anyone on this earth. I am what God made me, what the devil tried to destroy, and what Jesus Saved.
Rastaman

@single23

Hallielujah, praise the lord, pray you don't drown in the self righteous blood of the lamb!!

@da ThRONe
All I can say is easier said than done. You have obviously made a conscious decison to abstain from relationships until you find what you seek. Those options are not always obvious to everyone or available to everyone. I am not advocating infidelity because I have been witness to the damage it does to relationships and children. But what I hope for and what I know is not always in harmony.

So while infidelity is not for you or for many others what do you suggest for the people who are in a situation with spouses, SO or children where infidelity is a factor?

Consider if these things were so simple there would not be that many divergent views on the issue, would there?
Dc Man with a Plan

@ Single23, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan that we are currently involved with--in accordance with Gods word what is "right" and what , if anything, "wrong" since you have the unfailing ability to discern the difference. What say thee, fair maiden? Truth be told, as Rastaman said...life, even when defining "right" and "wrong" is complex, and often more gray than black and white. Jesus did say: "His ways, are not the same as our ways." He didn't define in what context he spoke of, but I take him at his word. Maybe, there's gonna be some Jews and Muslims still around after judgment day.......judging right and wrong often depends on the vantage point from which said judgment is made. U be perfect, I'ma be humble of spirit and heart and pray for guidance, deliverance, mercy and grace......
da ThRONe

@Rastaman

I disagree in a sense of if it was simple it wouldnt be a problem. People simply are selfish and willing to take short cuts to reach what they think is happiness. And we're not just talking in relationships. People have always taking more than what they need at the expense of other people. A few ball out of control while the rest suffers.
da ThRONe

@DC Man

Lying to your S.O. and having sex with another person is wrong SIMPLE. You can bring every religion ever up into the discussion. If you cant tell your S.O. its wrong this is clear cut and precise.
single23

@ Rastaman

I am not smugly moralistic or intolerant to others behavior or beliefs. But I have a right to say what I believe as right is right, and wrong is wrong. You want to take that right from me. It's not judging a person to say that their actions are right or wrong. you don't seem to be able to tell the difference. And you don't seem able to handle being disagreed with. Further words are wasted on you because they fall on deaf ears.

To everyone else who wants to say that infidelity is an option when leaving is not as clean cut that you envision because of kids or other factors. I was a child in a family where the parents stayed together basically for the kids. My father cheated repeatedly, my mom never did. What his cheating did was taint the respectful image I had of my father, damage the relationship I had with him, which in turn damaged the relationships I had with other men. On a radio talk show in Chicago that happened a few years back, the host asked listeners "should parents stay together for the kids?" We had never called in but my older sister got on the phone and called in to stay what we both were thinking.

It is better for the parents to be apart, and find a healthy, loving relationship that can be a good example for their kids, than for them to stay together for the kids, because kids are always aware that things are not as they should be between their parents when its not. I often wonder how much more well adjusted I would have been if I had an example of a healthy relationship between my parents; and how I would rather have seen them happy apart then miserable together. Either way, their relationship would have had an impact on us.
Dc Man with a Plan

IMO, Rastaman's FIRST commentary stated in eloquent form, reasoning and justification for that which is unreasonable and difficult to understand. AND Sad as it may APPEAR to be, Jay 1 made it plain, and in ALL too many instances, his words really define what it's ALL about. Say what you will, but after you say your piece and I say mines and she says hers.......Not much will have changed, not many minds won over to a view point they didn't have before this discussion. Lets keep it civil, reasonable, decent. After all...You're not the boss of me! and I am not the boss of you..or the person you're dating or the future person you're going to date........There are no gurantees in relationships: no matter HOW informed, or prayed up, or intelligent, or trained and experienced you are.
Rastaman

@Dc Man with a Plan

Well said sir!!

and I add "If we were so righteous and didn't have any weaknesses, we couldn't help others much. We couldn't be sympathetic or compassionate if we were so self-righteous and perfect. We couldn't even understand others."

Such a person was our former president "W" a man who publicly expressed his own moral certainty about all things but not himself.
single23

@ DC Man

(why do I even bother? but I will try.) When you say the the wars we are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, Are you referring to America's involvement in the "War on terrorism" and the search for WMD's? I wish you would come up with a better argument. For centuries, man's greed has been disguised by saying it's God's Will. Read the Bible and you will have your answer.

And I am not perfect, nor do I make that claim. But should my imperfections silence me in matters of right and wrong? Should I stop trying do what is right and help other find what is right and do it themselves? If you pray for guidance, I hope you read the bible or whatever written teachings are available to you from your faith as well. I will give the example of Paul, who wrote most of the New Testament. In Romans chapter 7, he talks about his struggle between doing what is right and wrong. Paul! And he walked with Christ as His disciple, saw miracles performed and he admits to having trouble with doing what he knows is right. But did that stop Paul from preaching, from trying to help others do right as he learns to do it himself? no. So why should that stop me?
Dc Man with a Plan

@ Single23....did you answer the question--as Paul has done? Bcuz if you did, I don't understand what your answer is. You said right and wrong are black and white. Paul didn't. what Paul DID talk about and gave examples of are specific acts and thoughts that relate to the goodness of God, but he didn't speak of wars as being either right or wrong. He certainly didn't say America was on the side of the good and the righteous. He didn't imply nor emphatically state: there is only black and white. find it in the bible and state that verse and chapter, where it says life and what we do in it is either black and white or right and wrong and then we'll be done. What denomination do you belong to, Single23? Find that while you're looking up black and white....
single23

@ DC man

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I had to go to a job interview.

I was not using Paul as answer for your argument about the war in Iraq. That's why they are in two different paragraphs. I said read your bible to find out if the war in Iraq and Afghanistan is God's will.

But I used Paul as an example in my defense, when you made a comment about me being perfect. And also Rastaman's comment about me being self-righteous. I believe all people should stand firmly and passionately on their beliefs. And As far as the bible talking about actions being black and white I will answer with scripture. If you really read the bible from cover to cover. All that you say isn't in there you will see that it is.

Revelation 3: 14-16
14. And unto the angel of the church of the Laodiceans write; These things saith the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creation of God; 15. I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou were cold or hot. 16. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth.

P.S.
If right and wrong isn't clearly defined and separated then there wouldn't be right and wrong. It would be some big lump of inconsequential actions. so obviously there is a clear divide between right and wrong.
Anonymous

I have fantasized about the idea of cheating on my husband, have sent sexually charged emails to other men I met online and have justified the idea in my mind but it has all been done as a validation that I am desirable. I am married but have been cut off sexually by my husband for the past two years. You see, in his mind he can't get aroused having sex with his wife, mother of kids because he feels sex is dirty and should be done with slutty women. He has madonna/whore complex..He has cheated so many times..with his old NSA ex, call girls and lord knows who else. I used to feel devastation but am so numb now that I know I lost all feelings for him and consider him to be more like a brother than spouse. I feel that cheating is always a selfish act and the cowards form of entertainment.
Karen

I cheat and I don't know why. I may have some sort of inability to commit to one man or to be satisfied by one man. I used to justify it by thinking it was because I was cheated on so many times (when I was younger) and usually fear that the person I'm with will end up cheating on me. But it's not that. When I cheat, I neither feel guilt nor feel satisfied.
http://www.intromagonline.com Aaviana

I have never cheated in the relationship but I have thought about it. Its not for the emotional but for the physical. I wasn't being physically satisfied anymore. I would rather break up with them than cheat on them.
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DC Man with a plan

Hey Single23, I pray the job opportunity works in your favor. BTW, have I told you I respect your opinion and value your contribution to this dialogue? And, should anything I have stated, made you feel I was either attacking you or disrespecting your thoughts, I apologize becuz that is not my intent. You provide balanced and logical assertions and I would guess you are well spoken, committed to the things you believe in, and an all around wonderful woman.
Jazzmonne

WHY DO PEOPLE ASK THIS DUMB AS ?(WHY DO MEN CHEAT). EXCUSES EXCUSESEXCUSES...THERE IS NO EXCUSE...

We all know that a person should not cheat(and that's that)! If that person is not doing it for you then keep it moving...
Now, you must be honest with yourself in knowing what you want and what it takes to please you....If you find that the things you are looking for is not rational for one person to uphold then obviously you should not be in a relationship. You should treat a person according to how you would like to be treated...

SOME OF YOUR LAME DUMB ASS EXCUSES...

THE SEX LIFE... IF YOUR WOMAN OR MAN IS NOT SATISFYING YOU AND YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH THEM AND THERE IS NO CHANGE..KEEP IT MOVIN

IF YOU WERE ONCE ATTRACTED TO THIS PERSON AND NO LONGER ARE...KEEP IT MOVIN

IF YOUR PARTNER HAS GAINED WEIGHT AND YOU WANT A TROPHY...KEEP IT MOVIN

IF YOUR PARTNER NO LONGER CLEANS AND COOKS AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD LIKE AND YOU CANNOT AFFORD A MAID...KEEP IT MOVIN

IF YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE OF ANOTHER RACE AND YOUR PARTNER IS NOT OF THAT RACE...KEEP IT MOVIN

I CAN GO ON AND ON BUT I HOPE YOU GET THE PICTURE.

THERE ARE MILLIONS REASONS WHY SOMEONE MAY CHEAT BUT IN ACTUALITY... THEY'RE ALL EXCUSES AND THAT PERSON DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE OR SHE WANTS...BECAUSE IF SO THEY WOULD GO OUT AND GET IT!...
DC Man with a plan

lol....Generally speaking (I am thinkin out loud to NO one in particular, so don't get all hyper on me)
IMO, when we bring God into the mix, it's a wrap. The only legitimate relationship between a man and a woman in MOST religions involves marriage; no boyfriend/girlfriend, no Boo-Boo, no S.O, no jump off, so that erases many of us out of the discussion right off the dribble, and that includes what some may call platonic relationships; biblically speaking, there is no such thing. So adultery is the only form of "cheating" deception, betrayal, whateva you wanna call it--and adultery is of course WRONG and a sin. That's Black and White, cut and dry. But in THIS world, there are plenty of shades of gray...plenty of ppl engaged in fornication--doesn't make it right, but does make it real: now what? We know right from wrong but still...we do wrong? Or can we take comfort in recognizing it is the least of the wrongs we could do? Or, are we hopeful that when Jesus said forgive your brother 77 X 77 times, we expect the same will be provided to us from God? I do 7 out of 10 things right...how does that compare to my 3 transgressions? How about if it were 9 right, for every 1 wrong? How about I not even try bcuz I can never be sin free? Black and white gets complicated real quick like.
I'll acknowledge shades of gray all day long bcuz it's REAL, and after all, honesty counts too, right?
Anonymous

The honest truth about why men cheat, has nothing to with unhappiness, love, communication, broken relationships, none of that, men simply cheat, because we can, and we want to, if we think we're going to get away with, or even if we know we're playing with fire, we dont care, if we see something we like, we are going to try and get it. we can have a perfectly good wife at home, she can be the finest woman on earth, but if another woman catch our attention, then we are going to go for it, simple as that. I think women cheat for options, "just in case me and my man dont work out" or, because their unhappy, or because they think their man is cheating on them.

One particular time I cheated, because I knew the female before I knew my lady, and we were really close, but I moved away. After i met my lady, this female, happened to come back in my life, she looked me up, we started talking, and the feelings for her were still there, but at the same time, I was pretty serious with my lady and had very strong feelings for her, I say the feelings about matched for both of them. The female who I cheated with was also engaged at the time, so both of us were in the wrong, but we still had feelings for each other, and also our mates, that we could just say, this person I use to talk to just came back into my life so Im leaving, we didnt want to hurt anyone, so we continued to do our thing, now we are just really good friends.

yes I think hanging with cheaters will influence someone to cheat, after a while, if they run into someone that they are really feeling or an old friend, they will start thinking, "hey, so so is doing it and getting away with it, maybe I can do the same, and no I would never stay with, nor forgive someone who cheated on me, I know its double standard, but hey.......
Elle

Relationships these days fail because of what seems like endless possibilities and the lingering hope for something better being out there for us. We do not appreciate what we have. Instead, we always want more, better, faster, younger, slimmer, funnier, richer etc. We all believe that we deserve better, that we deserve perfection. Our sense of what it takes to be happy is blurred, being content is frowned upon.

To me, that is what it comes down to and it applies to not only cheating but several other reasons why couples do not make things work anymore.

There are only a handful of things I would not even begin to work on with my partner should we have problems. Everything else can be fixed IMO. I am not a quitter, never was, never will be. To me, relationships/marriages are simple. When I am in, I am all in. No matter what it takes. When I say for better or worse, I mean it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people these days are different. Instead of investing time and effort to fix an otherwise stable home, they rather move into a new one just to find out it needs fixing as well. Some people will continously move around in hopes of finding the ultimate dream house while I prefer to make the home I have into my ultimate dream.
Jadedlady

Elle, you are so right!
Dc Man with a Plan

Yo, Elle...You are definitely onto something. I like your vibe and the wisdom you have shared...The problem is this warm fuzzy feeling I have after reading your comments and trying to absorb it deeply and keep it ingrained in my psyche--is fleeting! It's HARD in a consumer oriented society, to STOP wanting and thinking about having more, better, faster, younger, slimmer, funnier, richer..........You need to design a 12 step program Elle... and let me know when it's up and running so I can sign up!
Naptural Mystic

I think that both of these “experts” brought up valid points about the reasons why people cheat, but like everything in life, there is not one answer to this question. People cheat for different reasons, and I say people because I don’t think there are as many differences between men and women as we think there are (at least as far as this topic is concerned). I have been cheated on, I have cheated myself, and I have been the “mistress” of a cheating man before. I have been on multiple sides of this triad, and I have seen and experienced that there are different reasons for this very human and very natural phenomenon. I was once seeing a man that was cheating on his wife, and although we had sex, I can honestly say that sex was not the primary thing he was seeking from me. primarily, he wanted to talk about his feelings without being judged or criticized. He didn’t have anyone else in his life that was willing to listen to him. I was also cheated on by someone I was in a relationship with. I tried my best in this relationship to be a good friend, listener, and companion, and the sex and passion was never lacking. He still cheated, though. In retrospect I understand that some people just cheat. They may have everything they want and need, but the conquest of being able to have whatever they want drives them to cheat. I have cheated also, and much like the experience of Titus, it has been because I was physically attracted to someone else, and acted selfishly and impulsively. I have always been against repression of natural impulses and desires, and that has manifested itself in my doing what I want, sometimes without regard for the impact of my actions. Having said all that, I think the common bond that unites these different types of cheaters is the practice of deception. After all, it’s only called cheating because the other person is being kept in the dark. Unfortunately, most of us have been socialized to marry, have children, and live conventional lives. This is the American dream and the measurement of success in the society we live. Very few people are critical of this ‘script’ we have been taught is the only moral alternative. I think that if more people really thought about it, and understood that we have life alternatives, less people would choose conventional lifestyles that are not really suited to their outlook on life and their personal desires. We get pushed into these scenarios, and then we lie and deceive in order to live out the life that we secretly yearn for. Honesty (with yourself and your partner) is key in order to live the life we truly want without hurting other people in the process. We lie because we need to, in order to live the life we are ‘supposed” to have, while also experiencing the life we wish we had. The moral issue here is deception. The degree to which sleeping with different people is amoral can be debated, but the issue of deception is clear-cut. Being honest about your wants and needs can alienate you to a great degree, but it eliminates drama and the need to live a double life.
Stacy

The reality of it is that both men and women cheat. To be self righteous and act as though women do not cheat is blasphemous. Human nature is to be attracted to the opposite sex. We all have desires, sex acts we might like to fulfill or even we are just bored with our partner (and that goes for both men and women). My opinion is men probably cheat more because they have so many woman to choose from...and also because it's a little harder for a man to get caught lol. I am a female who feels that there is two sides to every story. When a human is not fulfilled that is when they will go out seeking fulfillment. We do it in every situation not only in our relationships with other people. If we are not happy with our job, car, house etc. what do we do? Get a new one. I will just leave it at that. Thanks for allowing me to voice my opinion
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Anonymous #1 (don't know if it's the same person)

****pick names folks, it's easier..Anyway***

I pray that you find some resolution in your situation. The fact you are sending sexually charged emails and the like to other men shows you have already checked out to a degree. It's playing with fire. hopefully you guys can work things out or make the split peacefully.

Your situation with your husband sounds like this story I posted a while back where the roles were reversed, the wife wanted to be the "whore" but her husband was into making love. Peep it here: http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/2009/02/20/the-wife-vs-the-whore-treat-her-like-a-prostitute/
DIVISION

Weak men cheat.

If you don't have control over your sexuality, you're not a strong man.

If I commit to a woman, cheating is not even a consideration, nor a thought or fantasy.

Most people "settle" and thus aren't matched with someone who fits and there comes inevitable unhappiness.

People are cowardly in essence.

They'd rather stay in an unhappy relationship than find a new one that serve them well.

I'm not like most people.

Never cheated, never will.

People would be better off being more stringent in terms of selecting a mate and none of this would happen.
Rastaman

A list of well known "cheating" weak men in history:

Martin Luther King
Franklin Roosevelt
John F Kennedy
King David
King Solomon
Dwight Eisenhower

a whole plethora of people who made many positive contributions to the human condition but were unable to maintain their vows of fidelity. We should just sweep them into the dustpan of history and wipe their achievements from the books for their obvious weakness.

Plus it is reported that Adolf Hitler was fervently commited to monogamy, a vegetarian and pet lover to boot.

See how inevitably stupid those sweeping generalization about fidelity=character are....

Humans are complex beings with flaws and stars. So making snap judgements about overall character based on one small area of their lives is inherently faulty.
Anonymous

Cheating doesn't make you weak, Its just as simple as getting what you want. So I wouldn't say "weak", "Greedy" maybe.
MsJaded

I'm 'Anonymous #1'..I read the story posted about the wife who wanted to be treated like a whore but unlike the husband in the story, my husband doesn't want to do anything remotely sexual because he feels its disgusting to have sex with the mother of his kids. It's sort of like Tony Soprano and is definitely a real problem. When we dated it was all good because it wasn't legitimate but once the ring was placed, it all went to hell...I admit that I have checked out emotionally but as a result of the countless infidelities, lies, broken trust, bs excuses and lack of trying to change. I am with him to be a co-parent to my kids and that is all. As far as being life partners,that he sabotaged and killed single handily. Sending the explicit emails to other men came after the rejection and affairs..the rejection hurt me but the affairs cut me to the core and transformed me into a person I don't recognize anymore..unsure, cynical and just plain jaded. I would be more forgiving if he would've come clean or even suggested having an open marriage but the sneaking around, lying, accusations, nasty looks, double standards are just inexcusable. It's never a good thing to toy with someone's emotions..it's selfish and hopefully karma will catch up
Y00nik_Soul

Life can be lonely with or without someone (that is if you have an A**hole like mine) so screw it. Buy a dildo (Ladies) or just do more soul searching for yourself. Not all men are idiots, but I'd rather just wait til I get out of my situation, and afterward take some years alone. Done the cheating thing and it made matters worse for my soul. Dude I was cheating with was unhappy as well as me. His spouse was like mine and they'd really make a perfect match...Literally. (I met her by accident and she is a BIOTCH.. she treats him like a doormat and I despise her for it) he really is an angel. Takes care of home works and treats her like a frikin queen, not that she's even worthy of it. But who am I to judge. She's remedial if you ask me...Anyway, my issue was because I didin't and still don't get what I need at home. I feel lke I'm carrying a whole load on my own and as for emotional support, my tear ducts are dry and i fdon't think God is hearing my prayers right now. My spouse has disgraced me so that it's sickening to look at him. I hate my body, and all that it is being used for. I'm like a spit cup for him. I've been raped, beaten and talked down to the substance beneath dirt, yet my cheating made him "love me more" ??? And decide to try to do better so that I wouldn't have the desire to cheat WTF...he still wouldn't leave me alone... Anyway, cheating is a waste of time and a it confuses the soul...Leaving it still utterly empty and the body, speaking of mine, numb to life. I did it, and I hate that I did it although I did it thinking I was going to help myself for a change, get some things I needed and longed for, but it only made me feel like I'm nothing more than the dirt I'm still being covered with. Don't talk down on cheaters because I did it myself, it's just the reasoning behind it. If its all for the fulfillment of the flesh then maybe one should get a reality check... the flesh is only temporary and good feelings don't last always
Elle

LoL@DC ... I wish a 12 step program could convert cheaters/quitters/weak folks into what I personally deem right. But I am glad I am making sense to you...even if the effect is fleeting.

All this rationale behind cheating boils down to one thing: being weak. On this, I agree with DIVISION. Cheating - whether is emotionall or physically - is a b*tch move.
God gave us a mouth to speak - so speak. Talk about what's bothering you, talk about your worries, your reservations. Be blunt. Don't beat around the bush. Be specific. Give examples, outline possible consequences. Just give your partner a real chance to understand what you are going through, why and how things can be turned around for the better. Express expectations, wishes, desires. It's not that frigging hard.

I don't understand why people internalize the things they are going through and secretly harbor ill feelings giving these feelings the chance to grow into a serious grudge against their partner.

If somebody has tried everything to be heard, then other measures can be taken. Still, cheating should not be an option. Ever. It not only hurts your SO but it destroys your own integrity.
I may be alone on this, but I couldn't live with myself had I ruined my integrity. I want to be able to wake up every morning and look into the mirror without any regrets or negative vibes in regards to the person I am.

After all, I guess I am an idealist. The human race is all messed up.
taylormade

I keep seeing, "Men Cheat bcause of this", "Men cheat because of that", The majority of the women, I have been with were in some type of relationship, and they do it for many different reason, I've heard it all. Every reason, I think is BS, only real reason I think they/we do it, is because we can. At the time of the act, every bone and muscle in your body can be telling you, that this is wrong, I shouldnt be doing this, but you still do it because you can. It has nothing to do with whats going on in your current relationship. It doesnt make you a weak person, or a bad person, it makes you human. Its like being on a diet, you supposed to be eating vegetables and fruits, but that piece of chocolate cake was just calling your name. You feel you been sticking to the diet for along time, doing good, eating the same vegetables and fruits for a while, so you deserve to treat yourself to a piece of cake. alright, its over and done with, you satisfied that craving, you keep it to yoursellf, youre good for now, but now you know, that you have to work extra hard to stick to your diet if you want good results, unless youre just greedy, and you keep sneaking goodies, now you just ruined your diet and your going to get bad results. which is in our nature, if we want something, we're going to try and get it. even if our relationships are perfectly fine, thats why when you get cheated on, and you ask the person "Why, did you do it, I thought we were happy and everything was good". They give you the dumb look. because there was no reason, they just had a craving.
Elle

I believe in "mind over body". So giving in to a "craving" is weak IMO. It is a conscious choice to give in when your principles would tell you otherwise. It doesn't just come over you and leave you no choice but to oblige. We always have a choice. And when a man/woman chooses his/her genitally driven needs over his/her relationship it speaks volumes of his/her lack of character. No excuses. Simply sorry pseudo-explanations.
queenmia1031

In the past relationships that i've been in, i've only cheated once. I cheated because I wasn't satisfied physically, and i wasn't getting any attention or quality time. I also cheated because he lacked self confidence. SO WHY WERE U WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE? is what you ask. We all have that person that we had a deep crush on in our past, but 4 whatever reason the timing wasn't right. Well years later u see that person again to find out that they felt the same about u and u decide to give it a shot. Well, it just wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. I never told him of my infidelity knowing that it would hurt him. We ended things because it was coming to an end anyway. I didn't get with the guy I cheated with 'cause that wasn't the plan. I just wanted to be desired by someone. But I have learned that it isn't worth it. Cheating hurts, period. Whether it's you, your special someone, or your "somethin' on the side".
da ThRONe

@taylormade

Did you just compare cheating on your S.O. to cheating on a diet?

The HUGE Glaring difference is a diet is a commitment to yourself. A relationship is a commitment to someone else.
Tisha

I dont think there is a difference at all for reasons why men and women cheat.
I have been in two long term relationships. Both were very twisted relationships anyways, but I believe there was a disconnect in our communication and I believe I lack making my partner feel like they are oh so important and I lack complimenting or praising and so the disconnect led to them looking for others that would put them on a pedastal. I am confident enough in myself that I dont need someone telling me what I do right or how pretty I look or whatever it might be so I don't think of others any different than myself and I guess personally that would be my problem with relationships and why I have yet to find a faithful man.
I can't honestly say that I believe people cheat just because their friends do it! I mean I guess if you are going out with that friend it may lead to temptation and you may not be able to fight that feeling, but if you are just hearing about an infidelity I would say thats nothing to make someone want to cheat unless they aren't happy and life is way too short to stay with someone when you aren't happy.
I have stayed in relationships when I have been cheated on. I guess because you feel like they do love you and they did just make a thoughtless mistake and you hope that it wont happen again. My position has been if it happens once then it will happen again. If they aren't happy at that time and things don't change to make them happy in the relationship then it is bound to happen again! So sad but so true.
da ThRONe

As long as whats important to you supercede what important to your partner you will see people cheat. Love isnt a noun its a verb. Love is not a feeling its an act. If you arent willing to work everyday it aint love.
Anonymous

@ da throne

I was comparing it to a commitment period.

The point I was trying to make, is that there is no real reason for cheating, and people just do it, because they want to, and they can.

Again, I dont think cheating makes you weak, or has anything to do with your character, or what type of person you are, its just simply, wanting something, and getting it
Elle

Well, you (or anybody with the mind set u described) may not like it Anonymous, but life isn't a frigging pony farm where everybody gets what he/she wants and everybody is mushy happy all the time.

It may sound harsh but I despise people in general who live after the pleasure principle. "Easy" doesn't enter into adult life. For anything of value we must sacrifice.

If somebody is so self-centered that he/she always wants what he/she desires when he/she desires it, that person may want to stay out of relationships for relationships are about 2 people and both of their needs an interests. There is no room for putting one's own interest and pleasure above your partner's/friend's/sibling's in any relationship two humans can form.

A good friend of mine once said, love isn't an emotion it's an ability. An ability not many people truly possess - unfortunately.
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Anonymiss

I've never cheated but I know a few.... and for women it usually isn't about sex (at least from my experience). The women I know who have cheated weren't being treated well by their S.O.'s (who most likely were cheating too) but were too attached to break off a relationship that clearly wasn't going anywhere (at least no anywhere good). Sometimes they just wanted to feel wanted...since they weren't feeling loved or wanted or needed by their S.O. Other times it was for revenge.
WellDamn24

I think that there's a lot of settling and superficial relationships going on. It goes from desperately wanting someone physically or intimacy so much that you accept a superficial relationship, to getting so tired of the dating game that you initially settle for a relationship that really doesn't meet all your needs.
I do believe in a balance between the sexual and the emotional. If one is off, the whole relationship falls down. If either party isn't emotionally involved or vested, then they crash.
I think that the reason women get cheated on more is because we get more societal pressure to validate our selves through relationships than men do. We'll put up with a relationship that doesn't meet our needs in order to be with someone. When men aren't happy they will find it somewhere else, one way or another.