#19 Why Do Mothers & Daughters Fight? (We Need To Cry)

Posted by NWSO • August 31, 2009 • Printer-friendly

FLASHBACK
Date: Sunday, September 17, 2006
Location: The Olive Garden, Times Square
Action!

As I sit here, with the two women I love most in this world
It hurt me to see my sister cry
Her poor little eyes turned red as she stares out into the Midtown traffic
Trying to hide the shame of her pain

Mama, oblivious
To the fact that words sting
Like a thousand and one lashes
From a slave master's whip

Here, I am not as brother or son
But as counselor
Trying to mend a gap that I'm not capable of traversing
But I can't sit idly by eating chicken parmigiana as if this isn't happening
Right before my eyes

The two women I love most in this world are not friends
Just temporary roommates
Bound together ’til age affords one the independence she so desperately desires
Then, it'll probably be cold calls
Holiday dinners and suppressed feelings/anger
That’ll jab out from time to time
Just like now

No, the story of the two women I love most in this world can not play out like that
I want to reach out
Across the table
And hold my sister in my arms
Letting her tears drench my shirt

Mama, I know grandma made you the black sheep of the family
But your own daughter deserves more
She’s just a young teen
Trying to become a woman
Rolled necks and eyes are just part of the deal

Sis, you still have a ways to go
Adulthood still eludes you
So the wisdom of age is a valuable commodity
That should not be taken lightly
Understand that mama won't always be right
Or fair
But she will be law

Mama, know that we all love you
Your strength, beauty and commitment to us is immeasurable
But “compromise”
Is a word you must learn as well
Sometimes, "Just because"
Is not good enough

For now, all I can do is offer my perspective
Let my sis know that I feel her pain
That biting your tongue isn't such a bad thing
But never lose track of who you are
I tell mama that I love her
That I wish she could display more understanding
For a young girl transitioning to womanhood
And reflect on her own distant relationship with her mother

Ladies, we will grow
Sometimes, we will cry
Hopefully, we will laugh as well
But for now, we'll bury our faces in our dinner
Pretend none of this ever bubbled to the surface
And the two women that I love most in this world will drive home
In silence

Have you ever had to play mediator between family members? Do you feel that mothers and daughters tend to have more fiery relationships? Is it hard for two opinionated women to live under one roof? Why do you think that is? Do you think that women in general have a harder time interacting with each other than with the opposite sex? Do you think that’s part of the reason why there are mama’s boys and daddy’s little girls? How hard was it for you dealing with your parent’s rules when you were trying to transition into adulthood?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: beef, crying, daddy's little girl, family issues, fighting, mama's boy

GV1584

I love this piece! I think every mother and daughter will be able to relate to it. I've been fortunate enough to have a pretty strong bond with my mama but I can't lie...I've had my fair share of the above scenarios! Great post!
Mz. Ashley

When i was a teen living under my mom and dad's roof....my mother and i stayed into it! My father and I, we would have our disagreements, but it would never go as far as it did with my mom. Now it seems like since i left the house and i am on my own now, my mom and I are like best friends. Yes she still gives me her motherly opinons sometimes and gets in my buisness and speaks her piece without being asked...but hey, thats a mom for ya. I am HUGE daddy's girl and i use to think when i was a teen that use to bug the crap outta my mom and i used to tell her all the time, You are just jealous of me! haha! I am glad we do not act like towards each other no more! Thank the lord! lol

ps: I bet we drove my dad crazy! I know he kept thinking " Oh here these crazy biatches go again!"
moonstarz

My mom and I didn't get along until I was just about to graduate high school. I didn't have much of a childhood because I stuck 'raising' a younger sibling.

As a teen I felt that if you wanted to give me adult responsibilities that I should be trusted to have certain privileges and we would always bump heads.

At the present we are friends but I am sometimes bothered by the lenient treatment my brothers receive when she went so hard on me.
Dc Man with a Plan

Though we can't generalize, I think it's not limited to mothers and daughters, it is also problematic in father/son relationships. Son's often find mom's looking out for them, just as dad looks out for the daughter. The parent of the same sex SEEMS to try to help their child avoid some of the pit-falls they KNOW can occur and there is a rebellion in the young person to that. The parent of the other sex is often more understanding and less judgmental, is more apt to let you experiment with making some choices, but birth order also plays a role. My daughter is the oldest of my kids, she wasn't a daddy's lil angel....lol.....But my oldest son probably feels he's caught hell bcuz I know about life as a dude and I'm tryn to help him stay focused and keep him in check. But I also did the same for my daughter bcuz she was MY daughter and I KNOW how dudes are...lol I think it all hit's home when you become a parent. Now that my daughter is grown, we’re REAL cool, but her and her mom—they will likely continue to have issues until she moves out on her own. Over all, I've had ladies explain it like this: There can only be ONE queen bee per home..PERIOD. I think moms take a more offensive posture when a daughter challenges them. BUT, lol, moms sometimes do damage to son's by being overly protective. In the final analysis, parenting isn't scientific and it's not for everyone biologically capable of making babies. While we try to promote individual responsibility we have to allow young persons to experience consequences--and it's a tough balancing act, especially with your first child. Love, patience and TIME heals most wounds and eventually, MOST adults come to the conclusion most parents expect which is an admission that your parents did the best they could to keep you safe and to provide you with sufficient opportunities to achieve your goals and dreams. You might not have liked it when you were going through, but looking back, most of us realize we'd have been really screwed up, were it not for the boundaries our parents made us observe, for our own protection.
Stay High Mama f.k.a. Righteous Mama

I don't agree with the myth that women have a hard time getting along with each other. That hasn't been my experience at all. I get along great with women. Relationships are all about mutual respect. Parents sometimes forget this. I tend to overlook and forgive the faults of others. The pain of others actions can sting a little but I always tell myself not to take it personal. Most times, the things people do have nothing to do with you. It's more about their own personal issues. You gotta forgive them.

While my mother and I have had our share of rocky moments (my father and I too) I have respect for my parents because they made me who I am today and I am very proud of that and who I am becoming. Gotta give thanks to them for that.

FYI, I'm changing my name from Righteous Mama to Stay High Mama. lol.
Torrey

I think it's hard for two opinionated people (regardless of relationship) to live under one roof.

With that said, many times, when grown adult children are still living at home and/or depending on the parent for some basic needs and help, problems can easily arise.

My mother and sister are battling as we speak because she depends on my mom so much. So when you try to be grown and yet your actions are not indicitive of being grown, conflicts are waiting to break out.
Dc Man with a Plan

@ Stay High Mama..I did not pick up from this subj that there was an assertion that women have a hard time getting along. This is a 'family' focused discussion and 'family' is different from random women at school, work or play. Aside from college, there are not many situations where MOST women will experience living in a home with another woman, so this is a totally unique environment bcuz typically YOU don't contribute to " the cost to be the boss" and typically don't enjoy equal rights and privileges as you would were you living with another woman in an apartment or college dorm. You don't get to discuss who gets the master bedroom when you live with a single parent or both parents. And though you may start or end up chummy with your mom, it generally isn't the same as the relationship you establish with your peers, if for no other reason than age, maturity level and the parent/child dynamics that often exist. While I understand your interest in promoting a positive image for female-female interactions, this specific discussion wasn't heading towards reinforcing the myth......BTW: what is f.k.a an abbreviation for?
Stay High Mama

@ DC Man...NWSO posed the question: do you think women have a harder time interacting with each other than with the opposite sex? That's why I commented the way I did. I actually read the questions. f.k.a - formerly known as. lol.

But keeping it family focused...the whole mama's boy and daddy's girl thing is interesting to me. I was never a Daddy's girl. But me being opinionated def made things interesting in my house growing up. I always respectful in my interactions with my parents because I was raised that way but my rebellion came out in other ways. I was kind of a bad ass. To this day, my mother has difficult accepting my different opinions. She still thinks that she is the boss. Sometimes I have to remind her that I am my own woman. Respectfully of course. I think this dynamic between mothers and daughters AND fathers and sons is common. Because I want my children to be emotionally open and intelligent, I allow them to share their opinions and listen to their desires. They may not get want they want, but I explain my approach. That's something my parent's never did. That "my way or the highway" stuff doesn't work with any gender/relationship.
jenn perez

I definitely bumped heads.. Forheads and everything in between with my mom growing up.. My mom was,is and will always be the Queen Bee!! I am just as stubborn, opiniated and strong as she is- so is my little sister. When I moved out..got married and had children, I could appreciate and understand her more- our bond was tighter than ever! When I moved back home due to her cancer (3yrs since)- we've definitely bumped heads from divorce to dating to raising my kids-- dad always tried to mediate without sucess!! Now the roles are changed somewhat since I take care of her-- I try to ber gentler and expalin things more- things I felt lacked a bit when I was growing up.. But I tend to speak my mind without thinking (mami 2) so I see the effects of that now and try to do things differently. For me, the ups and downs are what molds you - I've bumped heads withpapi too- but not as much as mami. Our collisions were mostly due to our strong personalities, something that I'm proud to have gotten from her
jenn perez

Sorry for the typo'z !! I'm on my BB!!
Kissing Games

Man Ole Man Ole - this blog totally speaks to me!!! My mother and I seem to be from two differents planets yet I yearn for her approval/blessing for everything but knowing that she is oblivious of who I am!! So why do I care so much??? Cuzz she is my mom =) But Dammit I can't stand her some days!!!
queenmia1031

When a girl is raised by a woman, her behavior emulates what that woman teaches her. As that little girl grows into a young lady, many people will watch her and her mannerisms and say out loud, "You know that's so and so's baby! She acts just like her mother!" As this girl becomes a teenager, trying to come into her own, discovering herself as an individual, being her mother's shadow is the last thing she wants to be. What she thought was once cute when people said that she looks and acts like her mother becomes intolerable and even sometimes demeaning. She feels as though she's already been labled without her voice being heard. She feels as though her identity has been pushed aside. This, plus the fact that she IS like her mother in some ways, causes friction and leads to rebellion.
Our teenage years are what I like to call the "Cacoon phase". We're transforming into something new. We're coming into who it is that we want to become as an adult. We are also learning that the phrase "smelling yourself" is a rather stinky lesson as we learn how to face the world and deal with reality and responsibility. Our mothers bang and scream on this hard shell that draws us away from them so suddenly and without warning causing some moms to respond in fear. My mom withdrew from me emotionally, and for a young lady coming into womanhood, that can be detrimental to development.
My mother was hurt by guys coming up and she never grew past the pain, she never forgave the ones who hurt her, and more importantly she never healed. So she thought by NOT communicating with me she was protecting me, when in reality she was hindering me.
It took a long time but I broke away from her sheltering ways and came into my own. We still have problems, not because i'm not willing to try to make our relationship better, but because she refuses to see the world any other way. Sometimes as daughters, or sons, we have to realize that everyone will be stuck in some bad habit whether we like it or not. It's up to us to work with each other and keep the peace whether it be to talk things out and compromise or, as a last resort, to simply keep our distance.
Jo Jo

This does say alot. As for me I was blessed to be adopted by my Grandparents at a very young age. Growing up me and my mom (grandmother) were very close and just seemed to click so well. I did know my mother and she is still in my life. But seeing how my mom (grandmother) and my mother (biological mother) are, I realize how blessed I truely was. Me and my mother do not get along very well. I am very independent and work on getting my goals in life completed. She on the other hand has never even at her age. I have an older sister and a younger half sister. Seeing them grow with my mother is crazy. They are all three the same and get on each others nerves. They are so much drama and rumors and just being in everyones business. They try to control everything in others lives but never really focusing on their own. I hate to say this but I think its a losing battle. I try so hard to instill some of the things I was taught, to my little sister. But seems again a losing battle. I think the problem isnt mothers or daughters per say but rather just people growing up and growing apart and never really communicating or compromising. My Mom always explained things to me and instead of a groundment or a whipping. She just explained why this why that etc. That seems to hit me more than any switch ever could. Maybe its age and just personality all together. I dont know. I think Women (Mothers) and Men (Fathers) should stop yelling and hitting and actually talk to our kids just a little bit. You might just be suprised at some of the reactions you will get. I am not saying I never did anything wrong but honestly I walked away from my child hood with no criminal records and my high school diploma. That is more than what some people can even say.
Sohoissooverated

Love this . Can we get a post for the ladies with daddy issues
Caribeza

/cheers for Torrey --> "I think it’s hard for two opinionated people (regardless of relationship) to live under one roof."

In my case, my father and I (female) butted heads growing up as he was a very strongly opinionated person. My mum was too but she was quieter and more subtle about getting her point across. So she and my brother, both being of the quieter but still strong sorts stayed back and watched the blood fly when my Dad and I went at it .

My mum was the tender listening ear who I went to after the fur flew with the "he just doesn't understand" line . Then she would present her points about why my Dad could have been right or at least why I shouldn't have flew off the handle.

Now me and my dad are golden , but that's because we're not fighting for dominance in the same house. I wanted the freedom to be me, and he, seeing me going down the paths he went down and regretted, tried his best to prevent me.

In hindsight, I will always love him and be grateful for it.

It's definitely hard for queen bees or king wasps to live together especially in a parent-child relationship.

p.s. no such thing as a king wasp, queens still reign supreme there too.. lol maybe those insects are unto something .

p.p.s love the fact that you're going back to the 30 day reflective blogs at least for Ramadan, NWSO... great stuff!
Ms Curvy Wit Dreads 904

This blog definitely spoke to me. Even though I have been MIA lately, I still had to come through and definitely put my two cents in on this one.
Me, being a female definitely found that I bumped heads with my mother from the early adolescent years. My dad did dote on me, but he was more firm when it came to discipline..she was more lenient.
But when it came to affection, I never felt like anything I did was good enough for her. She never praised my good grades or really wanted to hear any reports that i'd written. My father was the one who nurtured that creative side of me. For years I resented the fact that she never hugged me or told me she loved me. Most of us in the black community seem to have a hard time admitting to needing some kind of human connection with someone. We hate to admit we need someone to acknowledge their love for us to truly feel it. It was for that reason that I never let on to my mom that her rigid stance really bothered me and made it hard for me to open up and be affectionate in my own adult relationships.
Growing older I realize that my mom like many of our parents are from a different generation. My grandmother wasnt huggy kissy with her 8 girls and one son..so now as an adult, I am no longer astounded that each of my aunts, mom and uncle seem to have issues with expressing any deep positive emotions. My grandmother didnt know any better because that's how my great grandmother was with her..and so the cycle repeats...
Through my mom being diagnosed with cancer, going into remission, becoming a grandmother it really pains me that my relationship with my mother hasnt gotten any closer. She doesnt call me to see how I'm doing and I no longer even discuss my life because I feel like she's not interested to hear any of it.
I wrestle with it all the time and try to make sure that regardless of how I feel about our relationship that I make the necessary changes for my sons. I dont want them to ever have a doubt in their mind that their mother loves them and i dont hesitate to show them. Instead of harboring anger, I try to peel back a lil more of my mom's layers a lil at a time in hopes of havin that relationship I know we can. I try to realize that she didnt have a manual on how to be a mom and she was just doing the best she could..and we have to go from there. I just know that in the areas where I felt she could have done better, I make up for it with my sons so that the cycle doesnt repeat with my nubian princes.

Ms Curvy Wit Dreads 904
DC Man with a plan

lol @ Stay high...true enuff, U responded to THAT question, which was like the 4th question in a series of 7 questions, but since you READ the article (not just the question you responded to) U also know the subject of the article was specifically about his mom and sista and the theme about mother/daughters, but it's all good; I gotcha. Now that we have that clear...WHY you wanna be known as Stay high mama? That screen name could be viewed in a positive way, butterah, NOT likely. U some kinda weed head, tryin to get out the vote to legalize Mary Jane? ha-ha-haaaaaaa..U funny...Holla if U got the munchies?
Stay High Mama

@ DC Man
I don't smoke weed.
What are you on NWSO comment patrol making sure all comments stay in the tight confines of YOUR mind? lol. Not really worried about how my screen name is viewed. It's just how I'm on it these days. Gotta stay high as in uplifted, in good spirits, positive. Just felt like switchin up my alias.
Elle

Ahhh, my mom. Love her to death but sometimes I just want to choke her. Seriously.

Personally, I was never a daddy's girl. Yea, my dad was around until I was 12/13/14 - can't quite remember - but I never liked him. Not as a baby, not as a little girl, never.
I was a complete mommy's girl, followed her around wherever she went, spent most of my time with her and so on. That was pre-puberty though. Ever since then I have been feeling suffocated by her motherly love, guidance, advice, everything.
While I was allowed to roam freely and do whatever I wanted to do she still tried to remain a hard grip on me. "Where are you going? When are you coming back? Who are you going with?" .... ah, can I just frigging leave already? I hadn't stepped one foot outside of the door yet and she already asked me when I'd be back. Gawd, I HATED that.
It was paradox. She raised me to be independent, to do things on my own and mature early. Yet and still, she wanted to keep me out of harms way, protect me, warn me and shelter me from the world. Needless to say that didn't go together very well. Her being a RN who worked in the ER all her life didn't help either. She saw the craziest things that can happen to people on a daily basis and felt the urge to protect me from it by all means necessary.

She is a strong woman and raised me to be one as well. The generation gap made it hard for us to coexist peacefully. I wouldnt say that it is hard for women in general to get along with the same sex, or other strong willed women in my case. All my friends are opinionated, they all are strong. Yet and still we get along perfectly because we can relate to each other, to the experiences we make as individuals etc. Generally, I get along great with women. Not all but many. The only ones I'll never get along with are these hating females who feel as though they are competing with every other woman under the sun and give me a hard time simply because I carry the XX-Chromosomes. WTH? What's wrong with these females who give you a hard time when you're the new girl in the office? Why are they making it harder for me than they are making it for male co-workers? Are they seriously believing I want the attention from the guys at work? Bleh! Women!
Dc Man with a Plan

@ Elle...very interesting story between you and your mom. Remember ALL of this when and if YOU become a mom.......Yeah, that's when your upbringing REALLY resonates...when you're trying to take YOUR child from zero to adult-hood.....stay strong and good luck. BTW: I see baby Elle is back...I was just getting to like you in those shades, now you switching up again....Hmmm, is there a hidden message in there or what? <--smiling----->
Tim

Wow this is a great piece and it seems to me that most times mom's and daughters have fiery relationships. I don't think its the fact that they cant' get along, just women in general are catty, fiery, and sometimes a little testy. I think someone wrote the same problem exists between sons and dads, i dont believe that. I think its more likely for mother and daughter to not get along than sons and dads. Unless the dad was a dead beat. I really can't think of one mother and daughter combination that don't get into it often.
AA

i love this piece.

@ Elle
i can relate to what your saying word for word
but what can i say i will always love my mom =)
Elle

@DC

lalalalalalalal...*covers ears* .... I can't hear you!

Nah, I know you're right. But parents just don't understand...you know.

And um, I see the pic with the shades. Baby Elle has been deleted on Gravatar. So I am not sure why you are seeing what you are seeing.

*weird*
Ms P

As a daughter & a mother I can see both sides. My mother & I are extremely close. Our birthdays are even a day apart so we really are alike in alot of ways. However, there are/were times she drove me crazy because she is such a force. I try to remember that with my own daughter. However, until you have a child of your own you don't understand why they do/did the things they do/did. My daughter & I are close and I hope & pray we are just as close as my mother & I are today. Although we in the teen years, so I understand a divide will come soon. I also know that too will pass. You only get one Momma!!
P.Lynn

I love my mommy but damn is she a pain in the ass sometimes.

As a younger child I never thought through all the fights when my mom was yelling at me to think to tell her to shut up, but now 23 and able to make my own decisions without caring what her opinion is sometimes, I think to myself and even mumble SHUT UP!! when I really don't wanna hear it. Mothers and Daughters have always had a time in their lives when they bump heads and go neck to neck because moms want the best for their daughters, they sometimes get jealous of their daughters and they hate to not be needed. I remember when I wanted to start going out wiith friends as a teen and I didn't want my mom to go anymore, she's like oh I can't hang with ya'll? I'm like no mom. Still to this day she tries to hangout with my Bestie and I.... Mom just go sit down somewhere, and do something else I wanna say, but I don't I just say there's no room in the car. One mom is all I need until I get a mom in-law. I love my mother dearly and she is alll I need.

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