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#44 A Stranger Wants to Sleep on My Couch (Moral Dilemma)

Posted by NWSO • September 12, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Last night I was faced with a moral dilemma. I was sitting at home working when my cell phone started vibrating. I glanced at the screen and saw my cousin Rashid’s name. He’s actually a half-cousin that I really don’t know and he usually calls when he wants something.

I wasn’t in the mood so I let the call go to voicemail.

A few moments later, my screen lights up again, notifying me that I have a voicemail. I let the phone sit there for a while as I wrapped up the blog I was working on before attending to the flashing red light on my cell.

Upon checking my voicemail I was greeted with the following message:

“Yo, Anslem, it’s Rashid. It’s really important that I get in contact with you, my brother. Please call me back when you get this message. It’s an emergency. Peace.”

Rashid is around 35 and still aspiring to be a rapper. He was actually signed to Elektra Records back in the mid-90s and had a video out, but that was a long time ago.

Whenever he calls me it’s usually regarding some A&R contact that I don’t have or trying to squeeze out another free update of his bio. Time is money and I’m broke so I really wasn’t trying to be bothered. Normally I would just ignore his message but he said it was an emergency. I knew if I didn’t call Rashid back now I’d more than likely forget altogether, so I looked up his number and hit send.

Rashid answered after the third ring and it wasn’t long before he hit me with, “Hey, brother, I really hate to ask this of you but I wanted to know if I could crash on your couch for the night. I’m in a really tight spot.”

Pause!

Before I continue, let me backtrack a little. Although Rashid is my cousin, technically I really don’t know him at all. He’s actually the half-brother of my blood cousin Paul on my mother’s side. I didn’t grow up with Rashid and I don’t know much about him other than his short-lived rap career.

All in all, I may have met him face-to-face maybe five times in my life. The only reason he has my number is because he got it from Paul last year to ask me to redo his bio. We never had any personal conversations or connections and any exchanges over the phone were all related to music and how I could potentially help him “get on.”

For all intents and purposes, Rashid was a stranger so I felt apprehensive about the bold request.

Play!

“Uhm, why,” I queried. “What’s going on?”

“Well, I been sleeping on my father’s porch for the whole summer and we had a big fight this morning because I said some things that I shouldn’t have said but needed to,” Rashid began. “Because what kind of father are you when you let your son sleep on the porch or garage because your wife thinks that your grown son shouldn’t be doing this, that and the third? I know I fell on some hard times, but you have space in the basement that no one is using and you let your son sleep outside while you upstairs in your bed and then step over him every morning like, ‘What up?’ How do you live with yourself, man?”

I really didn’t know what to say, so I just blurted out an, “Oh, wow,” to fill the brief lapse in conversation.

“So after all that he kicked me out,” Rashid continued. “I been trying to stack chips to get a room or something but it’s been hard and now I got nowhere to go. I been calling my brother all day but he ain’t picking up his phone and it’s not even like I got a shorty I can call up like, ‘Yo, can I come through?’ I done been to the hospital emergency rooms and staying at bars until they kick me out, my dude. The summer time was cool but winter’s coming and it’s cold and rainy today so I just wanted a place to crash for the night. I’m hold up at a McDonalds right now.”

“Well, I’m actually heading out in a few and won’t be home until later, like 11 o’clock or so because I’m doing Ramadan and have to go to bed by 12am so I can wake up and eat before sunrise.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were Muslim. I’m doing Ramadan, too.”

“I’m not but I’m partaking in the fast… It’s a long story.”

Rashid and I spoke for a bit longer, before ending the call with me telling him to just hit me around 10:30/11 to see where I was at. Hopefully, he would have found an alternative by then but if not we could discuss him crashing on my couch for the night.

Truthfully, I didn’t want a houseguest—especially one I didn’t know. I’m real particular about my privacy and need silence to work. My place isn’t that big and my office area is adjacent to my living room/couch, so Rashid would be all up in my personal space. Basically, this would be a major inconvenience for me.

That’s when it hit me about how self-absorbed I was being. Here was a man with no place or space to call his own and I was worried about my “inconvenience.” Rashid has been sleeping on a porch, in a garage and emergency rooms among other uncomfortable locals, while I, like his father and stepmother, lay in my comfortable bed.

A big part of Ramadan is charity. Opening my home up to someone in need would be the ultimate expression of that, but still I was leery.

I thought the worst.

What if he’s a slob? What if steals something? What if I can’t get him to leave? What if he’s on drugs? What if…

Despite our familial lineage through marriage, I didn’t know this man or what to expect of him. If it were Paul I would have said yes in a heartbeat, but Rashid was a different story we were family by default association. Clearly I was his last resort. Still, I didn’t want to see another human being that I had some distant kinship with sleep on the street. At the same time, I feared for my safety.

I was morally conflicted.

I sought out the counsel of several friends on what they though I should do. The answers were mixed. One said I was “Over-thinking as usual,” another said, “Hell, no,” but most felt, “It was okay but just for one night.”

In the end I reached out to Paul since he knew Rashid way better than I did to get a gauge on his brother's trustworthiness. Paul, however, informed me that he’d take his brother in. He had received Rashid’s 20+ calls but was at work and couldn’t answer the phone.

A huge sense of relief fell over me when I heard that news, but there was also a bit of guilt that I even had to contemplate taking Rashid in—especially during Ramadan. I know I’m not perfect, so I won’t beat myself up over it. At the end of the day, though, I would have let Rashid crash for one night only but I definitely would have slept with one eye open.

Sorry, mama ain’t raise no fool.

Have you ever had a family member ask you for a huge favor you really didn’t want to oblige? Do you think that Rashid’s father should have spoke to his wife about letting his son sleep in the basement? Should a stepparent get involved in the affairs of their spouse’s grown children? Have you ever had an unwanted houseguest? How hard was it to get them to leave? Have you ever had to crash on someone’s couch because you were down on your luck? Do you think I was wrong for thinking the worst first? What would you have done in my situation?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: couch, Dave Chappelle, Family, homeless, houseguest, kicked out, Tyrone Biggums

AuthenticQueen

Funny this is the post of the day....

I just had a old highschool friend whom I sparingly keep in contact with, granted I still feel we're good friends, hit me the other day for some money.. Moral dilemma indeed. I mean, we're cool but I have to keep asking myself, "Are we that cool?"... But at the same token she has never asked before and I know she wouldn't unless she really needed it..

I sought the council of some wise friends and the verdict is still out... Hmmm..
Just-a-black-girl

I did have a friend of my mothers that wanted to stay for a day or so. She took over the living room and she was chain-smoker...she wasn't a horrible guest but I didn't want her there. She enjoyed her stay so much she even asked if she could move into the spare room - erm HECK NAW!! Plus the only reason she was camping out in the living room is because she was too tight or stupid to better plan the sale of her house and ended up without a place to stay.

I do have one friend who actually took in a homeless guy. He saw a black guy sleeping in the entrance to his apartment block and basically give him the couch for a couple of nights. He would kick him out in the morning and he was only allowed to come back to sleep. After a few nights he had to show him the door, because he felt like the guy was getting too comfortable with the arrangement. I personally wouldn't have taken a stranger off the street and I guess I commend him for doing it. Supposedly the guy had a job and recently thrown out of his flat. My friend is a one man crusade mission - he didn't want to see a brother out on the street and all....
Elle

Do you think that Rashid’s father should have spoke to his wife about letting his son sleep in the basement?
- Yes. I don't care how much of a "slob" his son may be. Parents will always be parents and therefore should always have their kids backs. Even when said "kid" is 35. If it is in their power to help, why refuse to do it. And what does that say about a person?

Should a stepparent get involved in the affairs of their spouse’s grown children?
- I don't know if they "should". But I know that if I was parent, I wouldn't let anybody get between me and my (grown) child. Men come and go. Parenthood is forever. My kids would always be my priority.

Have you ever had an unwanted houseguest?
- Not sure if this qualifies as having an unwanted houseguest but my "bad boy" ex just didn't want to move out. WTF?! I had to actually change the locks. *smh*

How hard was it to get them to leave?
- s.a. Dude just flat out ignored my request. Like "If I ignore what she says it will be like she didn't even say it."

Have you ever had to crash on someone’s couch because you were down on your luck?
- Nope.

Do you think I was wrong for thinking the worst first? What would you have done in my situation?
- What's right for me, might be wrong for you. So I do not want to judge. Personally, I would have let him crash on my couch. Experience shapes us into who we are today. I've known people who had to sneak into work and sleep in the utility room because their parents kicked them out solely based on their age. I've known people who slept in homeless shelters for the same reason. And it broke my heart because I couldn't do anything about it from where I was at. So yea, if it is in my power to help, I will. The good things we do come back to us.

And on a side note, Ans: Sheesh, I do not believe in horoscopes but I might have to reevaluate my stance on them because you're so much like my ex as far as behaviour and logic is concerned, it is more then spooky.
MsKaos

I understand you moral dilemma probably would have the same quandry myself ....BUT when someone's own parents aren't extending the same charity it makes me hesitate to lend a helping hand. Your blood knows you best and there's more to the story than stepmom's tough love.

I've been in this predicament with long time friend. She called late (woke me out of a sound sleep) asking for a place to crash for the night rather than waking her elderly relative in the wee hours of the night so I said OK, expecting she would be gone by sun up when granny/auntie/whateva was awake and accepting visitors. NOT what when down!!! She calls her ppl and they say there's no room at the inn for her so she needs a place to stay "til she can get situated." LSS: one month later, I had to issue her the same tough love as her ppl did!
LondonChick

Rashid reached out to you as a last resort. Dossing down in hospitals smacks of sheer desperation. He asked to sleep on your couch for one night and I'm sure that once either he (or most likely you) had contacted his brother he would have been out of your apartment after that night. You've said many a time that your mother comes from the Caribbean and in Caribbean culture you know that we open our homes to not only our immediate family but to the extended family too.... and that means your third cousin twice removed or the woman that you've called auntie all your life that is no blood relation at all. I understand your apprehension but family is family. And if the shoe were on the other foot for just one night....? I know that you would want Rashid to come through for you.

@Black Girl - Your friend that took in the homeless guy, now that was CRAZY!!! He could have easily ended up another crime statistic. But more power to him for practising that charity begins at home.
Pippa

I can empathize. Recently a person that I knew while growing up ask me to let her stay with me- since she was having financial difficulties. I thought about it for a long time ...And rather than saying no, I didn't answer her calls. I did think maybe I was a bit selfish, however I realize that SHE was being selfish. I have a small two bedroom apartment that I share with my son and I was not willing to kick my son out of his room or share my room with anyone. The flip side of this is, recently she called me and ask me to lend her $50.00. Again, I was conflicted, but because of the guilt that I felt from the earlier request, I gave ger $40.00 and told her she did not have to repay the money. As far as I am concern, I owe her no more favors. I am in no way conflicted in saying no to her in the future.
sylkiifeather

i do not feel that it is wrong to deny any request from anybody, because it is your life and you have to do what is right for you. what if you say yes to a request and the situation goes wrong? then you would feel stupid. it is better to be safe than sorry. and i also agree with MsKaos that if his own family doesnt want to help you, then there must be a strong reason why. im a leo so maybe thats where some of my selfishness comes from lol. but seriously, in this crazy world today, you just have to do whatever is right (and safe) for you. oh, i have fallen victim to "family" members treating me like dirt...as in going after a boyfriend and stealing from me. so i have no problem treating so called "family" like strangers. there are people in my life who aren't blood but i consider them more family than some of my blood family. so sometimes you cant just go by that title.
http://www.blackplanet.com/your_page/index.html katmamblu

Well at this writing I am waiting for my step son's friend to pick him up. My stepson moved in a month ago, and his dad does have room for him as he kept the family home. I have my own son living with me in a 2 bedroom house, so not much room. well my stepson asked if his girlfriend could come too as they were on the street if i didn't let them come. Bad decision on my part even tho He has been my son since he was 14 years old he has his dad's tendencies and started to fight with his girl, it escalated and he hit her. I told him to get out and I drove his girl an hours drive away to her friends so she would be safe. Now im upset and can't wait for him to leave. Our relationship will never be the same but I hope one day we will be able to talk again.
Treen

I, too, need the space and comfort of my home not to be tampered with. But if we never get out of our comfort zone, what do we learn?
What little favors that have been asked of me, if I'm able, I do them. If I cant, I dont. I havent had someone overstep their boundries of not leaving.
But as a decision of the cousin, I would have cautiously let him stay for the night. Offered food, shower and probably clothes to wear as his laundry gets washed. In the mean time, find out what his story is. Is he really trying to do something? Or has he been relying on the parents to support him and thats the reason they kicked him out? I do believe parents need to support their children, and be there through hard times. But,....has the "hard time" been the story since the short term music career? His answers would determine how much help he would get from me.
I know in these economic times, everyone for the most part feels like they are struggling more. But we fail to realize that as much as what we look at our possessions and bank accounts and frown, there is someone looking at each one of us wishing they had what we have. And we are taking it for granted. I truely believe that when we help those in need, we get blessed ten fold.
Sdot

After college I lived at home with my parents for a bit. My sister, her husband and their son lived in the upstairs apartment of her MIL's brownstone. They had a fire and the whole lot of them - her MIL and the grandson who lived with her included - stayed at our place. While I love my parents for their big hearts and willingness to go all out for extended family, I couldn't take all that togetherness. I ended up spending a lot of nights at my boyfriend's place and got my own spot shortly thereafter.
DC Man With a Plan

London Chick is persuasive in generating a guilt trip, but maybe life is different in London. Ans lives in NYC. To have someone come at you out of the blue, when it's convenient to them--does not to me, beget a guilt trip. That person is selfish and one should not feel guilt over a sad story of a person who is really NOT family. Step "cousins" don't count as family anymore than the kids of step parents count as brothers or sisters. Lets be real and practical: Dude had a spot, but if you got beef with your dad at 35--who am I to pick up your mantle and try to carry it? Also, how many times have you WANTED to give someone a piece of your mind, but decided against it bcuz of your needs? Like the need to pay the rent or mortgage, the need to eat and buy gas for your vehicle? Biting your tongue is necessary at various points in life...at 35, dude needs to know there is a positive, respectful way to engage his dad and step mom--who HOLD all the winning cards, if he is to effectively convince them to give him more than he previously received from them. AND what if dude DOES have a drug problem, would your view of his request change?
X

My cousin and her 4 yr old moved in with us because she absouletly had no where else to go, and because of her bad attitude and she's a sloppy mess, so no one else wanted her as a houseguest guest. So because she had no where else to go and said it would only be for 3 months so she could save up money, we let her move in. Naw it's been a year, she hasn't saved a dime, and her credit is ruined so no one wants to rent to her. No she's pregnant with her second child and said she will be moving by January cause the one bedroom is not enough space for her and her soon to be 2 kids. But realistically where is she going to go? She had a bad attitude and half assed clean the bedroom she's in once out of a year.

So basically, if you have any doubts about a houseguest or loaning money to someone, no matter who it is, don't do it. Religion aside, doing the right thing aside, God blessed us with intuition, so go with it.
LondonChick

@DC Man - I'm not attempting to "guilt trip" anyone. Maybe I'm just playing the devil's advocate. I love NY BECAUSE of its similarity to London. Dare I say it, and I apologize for generalizing but Americans have an impression of an olde worlde London, where men still wear bowler hats to work, we all speak like the Queen and down tools at 4pm for afternoon tea and cucumber sandwiches. Reality check - London's not immune to crime, addiction or any other social ills of society found the world over. So I'm far from naive to NWSO's post and I hear him loud and clear and completely understand his reservation at taking in this "cousin" for the night. The reality is that if the shoe were on the other foot and I had been the one receiving a call based on these circumstances a million questions would have raced through my mind. Was he a thief? An addict? Was he violent? Mentally unstable? Would he try to tap me for money? Just being the person that I am, I would have made an apology to this guy before eventually making my excuses and tellling him that I couldn't help him out.

I like dipping in and out of this blog and readiing everyone's comments; but what's the point in always agreeing with the masses? It's good to generate discussion by throwing in another perspective! Hence the reason for the content of my original post!

Bless!
Spinster

Probably wouldn't do it; X's post pretty much sums up my train of thought about why.
Alicia

hello all, I think one should lend a hand in this case - all we have is day to day our lives are special -that one day could be a huge bridge for someone, and one never knows when you may need a spirit to pick you up.

all in all follw your gutt.

peace and love
http://www.squitoo.com ForDating

That's so sad that people have relatives as such, who only seek benefits when they get in touch with you. Thanks god my parents/relatives are not like that. People who seek benefits are always broke, they cannot sort their problems themselves therefore they are always at the mercy of others. That sad because every single person can be independent if they only got control of their own lifes and thought with their own heads.