Can An Ex Ruin You For Other People? (Moving On)

Posted by NWSO • October 6, 2009 • Printer-friendly

“I love you, Slim, we coulda been together, think about it/You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it.” —Eminem, “Stan”

The funny thing about relationships is that they can feel absolutely perfect when you’re in the depths of love. The problem is when the good times come to an end. The person that once made your heart skip a beat might now make your stomach turn. This is especially true for someone going through his or her very first heartbreak.

Depending on how bad the breakup was, that person may have ruined you for every one else that follows. Now, that’s not to say that one person should have that much power over another but people tend to protect their heart once they're hurt. It takes a long time before someone feels comfortable opening up to another person after their heart has been broken.

Earlier this year I was having a conversation with an ex and I mistook what she was saying about how the ending of us had affected her. Mistakenly, I thought she was saying that I had inadvertently "ruined" her for other men.

“I never said you 'ruined' me,” she said, immediately correcting me. “You just drained me to a point where I don't want to put that much effort into anyone else ever again."

Then, there was this woman that I was going out with for some time. Things were good between us, but a small part of me was unsure of where we were going. I saw this unsaid fact having the potential to "ruin" her and I decided to voice my concerns.

“…I just don’t want to ruin you,” I said.

"No man will ever 'ruin' me,” she promptly responded. “Let alone you."

That may have been true, but my premature statement "ruined" any hope for what we had.

Moving forward, I tried to erase this troublesome word from my vocabulary and I proceeded to embark down different paths. Eventually, I came across a woman that piqued my interests physically, mentally and emotionally.

After a short while I deiced to voice my feelings to her. You won’t believe what she said to me in response.

"You're a nice guy,” she began. “And I don't want to 'ruin' you."

Karma’s a b*tch ain’t it.

Fin!

Do you think it’s a bit cocky for someone to ask if they’ve ruined you? What would your response be to someone saying that to you? Is there an ex(s) that took you a real long time to get over? What was it about him/her that had you so heartbroken? Do you think there’s some truth to the idea that you never love the same after your first heartbreak? How long does it usually take you to get over someone? Or are you usually the one that ends relationships?How do you move on after a bad breakup?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: bad relationship, break up, breakup, crying, heart broken

http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

Do you think it’s a bit cocky for someone to ask if they’ve ruined you?
- Yes.

What would your response be to someone saying that to you?
- Get over yourself.

Is there an ex(s) that took you a real long time to get over? What was it about him/her that had you so heartbroken?
- Yes. We were together for a long time and people thought we'd get married. His family liked, maybe loved, me a lot. We were both young. The way he broke things off with me was underhanded and shady, and the events afterward were even worse. Looking back now, it's a good thing that we didn't get married.

Do you think there’s some truth to the idea that you never love the same after your first heartbreak?
- Not sure.

How do you move on after a bad breakup?
- Time... LOTS of it. Never understood how people can just jump from person to person, especially after a long relationship. But that's just me. *shrugs*
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

Can't answer the other questions due to not having as many relationships as most people have had. But he sure ruined me for other people, for a long time. Not anymore though; he's old news.
vie amoureuse

Do you think it’s a bit cocky for someone to ask if they’ve ruined you?
-i think its cocky if they asked this in the beginning of the relationship..but like if you have been dating for a while and you know feelings are tied in more on one side the the other and the person said they dont wanna ruin u i would probably agree.

What would your response be to someone saying that to you? my response depends on like i said how deep in the relationship we are..

Is there an ex(s) that took you a real long time to get over? of course there is an ex that took long to get over. the relationship was just emotionally draining and one sided and i ended up wit the confused heart and mixed emotions.

What was it about him/her that had you so heartbroken? i think because at the time i was so naive about to love. he was just wat i wanted at the time and i wasnt ready to let go.

Do you think there’s some truth to the idea that you never love the same after your first heartbreak? yes i feel there is some truth...after ur first love and the break up wit your first love you are more guarded in the chocies you make and the affection you give.

How long does it usually take you to get over someone? it depends..

Or are you usually the one that ends relationships? lol it depends too

How do you move on after a bad breakup?
prayer and self confidence
http://thoughtsof100k.blogspot.com/ 100K

this is why you have things outside a relationship to keep you sane. in case you break up, the sting is there, but its not as bad.

everyone gets hurt. its part of life
G.

Do you think it’s a bit cocky for someone to ask if they’ve ruined you?
- No.

What would your response be to someone saying that to you?
-I'd be honest. Depends on how serious we were. If it was my first love, I'd say no, but you messed me up and caused me to question everything I believe in. I bounced back though.

Is there an ex(s) that took you a real long time to get over? What was it about him/her that had you so heartbroken?
- Yes. First Love. For the longest time, I had this feeling that we were meant to be together.

Do you think there’s some truth to the idea that you never love the same after your first heartbreak?
- Yes. I still don't know if I'll ever feel the same about someone else, like I did my first love. Plus after your first heartbreak, you have baggage and/or not as innocent and naive about things. Everything is different.

How do you move on after a bad breakup?
- Time, family, good friends.
Elle

Ha, MY topic as of late.

Do you think it’s a bit cocky for someone to ask if they’ve ruined you?
- No. If one of my exes asked me that I'd interpret it as them actually having thought about everything that happened and having accepted some responsibility for their actions.

What would your response be to someone saying that to you?
- My response depends on who asks. To my ex-fiancé I'd say "Fuck yea."

Is there an ex(s) that took you a real long time to get over? What was it about him/her that had you so heartbroken?
- Still in the middle of trying to figure out how to get over him. It is a combination of things which has me heartbroken: losing not only the man I love but also my best friend, the breakup coming out of the blue from one day to the next without prior signs of it, his lack of interest in making it work, the fact we were in the middle of wedding planning ... shoot, I could go on forever.

Do you think there’s some truth to the idea that you never love the same after your first heartbreak?
- I don't know how I would answer this question 10 years from now. But I believe it is true. Even if you are over a person and a heartbreak, you cannot forget what happened and ideally you learn from it. Who I was a year ago is not who I am today. The change I am going through is permanent. And if I look at my best friend I can say for sure that her way to love has changed drastically since she got her heart broken badly back in '05.

How long does it usually take you to get over someone?
- In the past, it either didn't take any time at all because I had checked out emotionally while in the relationship. Or it took a few weeks to not always think about the ex. The overall healing process until my 6 year relationship was out of my system took about a year and a half. It always depends on how the relationship was overall, the circumstances under which it ended and so on. If a guy does me dirty, I get over him in a heartbeat because he ain't worth the pain. It's the "good guys" who really do damage when they leave.

How do you move on after a bad breakup?
- I have no idea. Still trying to figure that one out. So far talking about it with friends, partying & drinking, cutting my hair off, getting a new tattoo, going on dates, soaking in self pity, throwing myself into work, travelling and therapy have not helped one bit. *shrugs* Who knows. I think what would help me is if I could just pack up everything, leave and never come back. Unfortunately, that's not an option
Righteous Mama

If someone told me they didn't want to ruin me that would make me squirm. I don't think it's cocky. I think it's honest. Something there needs to be addressed. I'd have a few follow up questions. I agree with the sis who said no one can ever ruin you but we all have the ability to be broken by love. We can also all choose to elevate beyond that type of despair with a healthy dose of maturity. Even negative situations have valuable lessons in store so I always say thanks! And I'm still cool with all my ex-men. We don't hang out. But we're cool. I went into hiberation for almost five years after breaking up with my child's father. I had invested so much into the relationship and tried so hard to keep my family together. I allowed the situation to break me down so low it took years to restore myself back to being fab again. How do I move on? I prefer to focus on work and take things one day at a time.
Em

To me it's not about being "ruined" it's more like "a lesson learned". Something that ends badly or was a bad breakup should teach you for your next relationship. I do believe you will love again, may not be the same because every relationship is different. You fall in love for different reasons which might cause you to love differently.
Kwana AKA OrangeStar AKA Phoenix7

I think what I heard Maya Angelou say this morning sums this all up perfectly...she said "you go thru things and they change you but don't let them reduce you"...AMEN to that!!!!!
Let the epxerinces make you into a better a version not a reduced version....I'm kinda going thru that now, broken hearts don't heal over night but they do heal eventually........

every love is different regardless.....you are blessed if you experience real love just once
Lisa P.

Honestly I don't think that people have as much power as we give them credit for... So no I don't think that someone can ruin you...

I do believe however that they can scar you and just like all wounds it will take time to heal ...it’s a process... But you have to decide if you want to walk away from a situation better or worse.

My response to someone would simply be... "Thank you, I appreciate your honesty!" Then I would look at this as a blessing and move on no matter how good or bad it felt.

See allot of times we stay in relationships because we want the right now gratification or what we think is good for us... But ultimately we have to step out of our comfort zones sometimes and look at things from an aerial point of view...

Ask yourself is this situation really good for me? Is this really aligned with where I want to go and what I want in life...? Lol... if you can't honestly answer that question without regret or hesitation then move on.

I was married for 5 years and my husband left me for another woman 1 week after I gave birth to our son. Was I angry? Heck yeah... but instead of walking away from my marriage pointing the finger I worked on becoming a better me. I was determined to be a better mother, wife, friend, and lover so that when GOD does decided to bless me with the right man, I will appreciate him and treat him like my King and he will have no need to ever want to go any where.

Now don't get me wrong... I was bitter at first, my heart hurt so bad that it felt like the only thing that could fix it was the love of a man... and that vulnerability left me even more hurt...shoot it even caused me to be raped... But with time my wounds healed and I learned my own self worth...

I realized that the power doesn’t come from a man, or a marriage, or in winning his love... but it comes from within me.

And yes this did change my views on love... but in a positive way! I look at love now as so much more that it became a beautiful fragrance that I wear around my neck. See I learned from my past experiences and I thank God for both the good and the bad because it improved my sight!

It’s been 6 years that I have been divorced and single... and yes I have my lonely days but I look at each day as a day of preparation in which I can improve myself a little more.
Mz. Ashley

I don’t think it is cocky for someone to ask you if they “ruined” you. I would have to say that my ex Glen, tried to ruin me, but it didn’t work. I was scared to open up, but I got over that quick. When I was 16 he cheated on me, I got back together with him, but it was atleast a year after the fact. We dated for 2 more years, and then I broke it off with him because I wanted to start going to the clubs and stuff because I just turned of age. He was older than me, and I just wanted to go with my girls, he did not like this AT ALL! He would sit there and cry on the porch and beg me not to go. HOW LAME! Lol. Well I broke it off with him and he just went PHSYCHO! I have never seen someone act this way. It has been almost 4 years ago and to this day we still talk on the phone and he tells me how much he misses me and loves me. I don’t think he will ever get over me. We were each others first true love, but I just don’t think I can ever go back to him. what is in my past, is in my past. I will be friends with him, just to keep his mind at ease, but no I will never get back with him. Usually it takes about 3 months to get over somebody. The way I move on after a relationship is by going out with my friends and trying to keep my mind occupied. I will delete the dudes number out of my phone so that way I have to dial it, and then I can stop myself from callin them. Heartbreaks suck, and i hope the man im with now wont put me through that.
Until I Get There

I dont think I have let a man ruin me, but I know that I ask myself more questions about new men in my life. You dont want to fall victim to heartbreak for the same reasons repeatedly. SOME woman use defense mechanisms on all men in their lives.After a relationship a woman is going to do what she needs to to protect herself. Nothing is the same after your first heartbreak. First loves are so pure and untainted, a once in a lifetime occurnace. People try to obtain that feeling again through other relationships... to no avail.
http://mentallyorgasmic.blogspot.com Aaviana

I had a guy that I was dating that just totally killed my trust in men because I thought that we were friends first but he apparently I was wrong. That was 2006. I haven't been in a serious relationship since cause I have trust issues.
Kwana AKA OrangeStar AKA Phoenix7

Put your trust and faith in the LORD, thats where it belongs anyway and trust that the LORD will direct the right man your way in the right time, sometimes we have to pruned, like a rosebush to keep blooming, gotta cut the dead parts off.......
anisha

this is so strange ... i was thinking about this a couple of weeks back and actually posted a lil something on this, while i was dating someone , and realised something about the dynamics had changed and part of the messy break up was the fact that he was dumped by a girl he was seeing for three years. her 'ruin' in turn ruined it for me.

i think its very easy to ruin someone, we may say we don't get affected, but the fact is in one way or the other.every relationship you are part of shines light on some part of you that you dint know existed.. the more you date , the more you know about yourself.
and it is not one person who messes you up , rather a cumulative effect of everyone you date.
DC Man With a Plan

I would interpret a a woman asking me " did I ruin you " to mean did she screw up my mind towards women in general, in a negative way. But I would not perceive the question as cocky or reflective of a negative attitude. It sounds like grown-azz conversation to me and could be an admission that they NOW know, they F'ed up a good thing, But depending on WHEN it was asked and under what circumstances, that could add or subtract from the overall impression. I'm accepting the fact that she was in position to speak to me, as an indication we were on neutral to decent terms. If I had an "EX" I hated, she couldn't corner me ANYWHERE, to engage in conversation, bcuz I'd treat her like the Invisible woman: I don't SEE you, I don't hear you and I gotcha on permanent IGNORE! Avoiding EX's really isn't that deep to me. What small azz town you live in that you can't get through life without running into your EX? I think some of y'all go looking for EX's and have the attitude: I'ma keep going to the same spots bcuz I know sooner or later they gonna be there....lol....Duhhh, if you tryin to move on--you gotta go to different places and see different ppl....SMDH......
DC Man With a Plan

lmao @ Spinster with the " Can’t answer the other questions due to not having as many relationships as most people have had. " U the last VIRGIN while ery'body else is jusy ho-en...lol....U are too funny! How many relationships HAVE most other ppl had? Especially ppl the same age as you?
Rastaman

In one form or another I have had to address all the questions you have posed regarding a relationship and a breakup.

I am not certain if it is cocky to question if you have contributed to the poisoning of another person's heart. Usually you as k that question after having been accused of that in a prior situation. I know I became more cognizant of that type of reaction after an ex stated that she felt I was only using her. I was hurt by that and I made sure in the future to never repeat any behavior that could be seen in that way.

The first woman I ever truly loved was very hard to get over. Through no fault of her own but because I was probably not emotionally mature enough to deal with having lost her. I know I probably ruined other very good chances at love after her because the other women no matter what their qualities could not in my mind be able to replace her. And no one as good as her or better would be good enough. I now know that was only a subconscious way to protect my heart.

You can never love the same after having had your heart broken but who says there is only one way to love. We get stuck in heartbreak and reminiscing because we fail to grow. I have found that you can learn to be a better if you are wiling to doi the required work.

I am not sure how long it takes to get over a heartbreak, I believe it to be different for everyone. It took me longer than i was wiling to admit even though I was in another serious relationship more than a year after ending a 3 year love affair. I ended up apologizing to that woman for the hurt I caused her by never truly opening up my heart to her and basically wasting her time.

The fact is there are no blueprints for how to love and how to make relationships work. There are so many factors inside and outside of the relationship that you aor the other person have no control over. And when you are young and experienced it is all new and some error you just can't walk back from or be able to admit.

Some of us are lucky and never have to experience all that heartbreak and recrimation that comes with multiple relationships. But I have tosay I do not regret the expereince because it had taught me how to be a more considerate person. There is a lot to say for being considerate and thoughtful.
Ms. Mack

The truth is, ex's don't ruin your future, you do because you refuse to let go of the fact that it is over. Not to say that we do not have scars and baggage from the relationship, but when you carry all of that into your future relationships, you give your ex the power to keep you, even though they have let you go. Don't be sad that it is over, but be glad that it happened so you can know what to do and not to do in the future.
Sweet T

I believe that an ex can ruin future relationships at least at first. as for me i try to take time to myself to get over it before i start dating anyone else but i definately have relaized that my heart is a little colder and i really don't put in alot of energy as i use to in the past nor do i get to close so then when the breakup does happen it really doesn't affect me to much.
da ThRONe

If you have to ask then you must have been trying and/or just didnt give a shit about the other person. So I think it is an ego driven question.

I have only been in love once and it took an extremely long time to get over it. But the idea of ruined means I become jaded after. I am so better off as person because of it.
CB

Do you think it’s a bit cocky for someone to ask if they’ve ruined you?

It depends in what context they are asking...if they are asking because they need the ego boost to believe they were the best you ever had (not just sexually) then yes... but if it's out of genuine concern then no.

What would your response be to someone saying that to you?
No one has said it to me but I have vocalized the fact that I was more guarded when I felt that way.

Is there an ex(s) that took you a real long time to get over?

Yes my first boyfriend cheated on me and I didn't date, give my # out or anything for 2 years because I didn't want to deal with dishonest men. My second, and hardest heartbreak was with the love of my life...he eventually came to his senses and now we're back together.

What was it about him/her that had you so heartbroken?
For the first boyfriend it was the fact that he cheated... I didn't even want to get with him but gave it a chance cause he was a nice dude, but you cheated on me then get married to the chick 6 months later? WTF?

For the second guy it was the fact that he was my homie/lover/friend... we were each other's best friend and clicked together like neither of us had done in our past relationships. It hurt because I didn't see how he could throw everything that he wanted away with the hopes of finding even better.

Do you think there’s some truth to the idea that you never love the same after your first heartbreak?

No because the third time around is when I found my true love.

How long does it usually take you to get over someone?

Depends on how deeply involved I allow myself to get... if it's serious then 1-2 yrs.

Or are you usually the one that ends relationships?

I have ended a few of them.

How do you move on after a bad breakup?

I travel, spend time evaluating, see what I did wrong, what he did wrong and take it as a lesson learned and do the things I love to enjoy myself and lift my spirits.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

DC Man - that's not what I meant, you damn clownin' ass fool. I never said anything about virgin or non-virgin. At my age, which will never be montioned on here , most people in the same range have had more serious relationships than me.

You're about to be challenged to a duel if you keep it up. *raises eyebrow*
MizzRenea

Yes there was definately an ex that took me forever to get over... In all reality the only reason i got over him completely was because i ended up getting pregnant by my boyfriend now. I had never been back into a relationship since him and its been a few years. We had our entire lives planned out together kids, marriage, families, vacations, etc. He was my everything as i thought i was his. The crazy part was i ended up leaving him and would have to say at first was more heart broken about it all then he was.

It is true to an extend you'll never love the same after your first breakup because i honestly believe you will never love two people the same. But if you take a heartbreak as a learning experience and grow from it. The next time you do fall in love might be better than the first. Your first hearbreak is always hard but its a lesson in life we all have to learn.

It usually takes me at least a year or so to start "dating" again. I usually take a good portion of time for myself and figure out me and whats going on with me and what I want. I dont and wont rush into love and dont give my heart away easy at all. I believe as bad as this sounds every man i date in some way will endure some of the confusion i have from my first relationship as trust, respect and a mans ability to control himself in an arguement will always be in the back of my head.
Phoenixrizen10

I find myself reading and not commenting alot, this topic hit dead on for me.
I don't feel other people can ruin someone by making them an ex, however I do believe they make it hard for the next. I recently had my heart broken I put ALOT, maybe too much time, energy, trust, effort and money into a person I thought was going to be my husband and father to our kids. Now that I'm single, guys try to holla and if he fits my type we at least exchange numbers, even though I know on the inside I'm not feeling anyone right now. The reason is because I love my ex and he's still apart of my life. We didn't end on bad terms, I didn't cheat or lie, I just didn't remain loyal in another sense of being with him. As a woman I admit the reason we aren't together is my fault. What went wrong can be worked out over time. He knows I'm damaged goods for the moment. He knows he didn't do anything to ruin me, he only wanted to make me better.
Strength and the courage to love again takes time to rebuild after relationships fail. I feel we all must go through bad experiences to appreciate the good ones - it's apart of life.
I try not to let my past interfere with my future, I may miss out on someone who better compliments me. I'm usually the one who calls it quits in relationships, which means I'm over it before its over. I'm not familiar with the process of healing a broken heart when it comes to something other than death. I know I'll find the strengh and courage to allow love to enter my heart again, until that time comes I feel the new guys are wasting time.
That Guy

I loved my ex, we still talk, yes we both look at relationships very differently now, we both know that we were young, we made growing up mistakes, we wish we could undo the past but the reality is we can't. I chose to look at that (8 years) as a learning lesson of what to do and not, how to handle he various situations that arise, but more importantly I know I can love. I didnt know that before, but she brought it out of me. I look forward to sharing that love with someone deserving and glad that I went through the maturing process to learn the dynamics. I dont think I ruined her nor do I think she ruined me. We are both successful career wise, we both are good people of faith, we both are human and better because we met. Relationships are hard, and ours combined distance and stressful work and graduate school. We were test subjects in the chemistry lab of life and love, but just because we didnt work, doesnt mean that anythings wrong with us, just wasnt in the cards. The best formulas are found by accident, which means it takes some experimentation.

If we were meant to be, then it would happen, but it didnt so life goes on.. I know I will love again, this time I hope it stays.

PS: The line that sums it up best is: "We weren't meant to be, we just happened"
http://dviscotti.blogspot.com/ single24

Never been in love... I think I have been close, once. My feelings have definitely been hurt before, but I recognize it for what it is. Pride. I don't know what its like to be heartbroken, but after watching my sister go through "one", I see it as taking the rose colored glasses off. Finally SEEING the things she was blind to while infatuated. Feelings of stupidity, naivete, inadequacies come in to make it feel like being heartbroken. IT took her years to "get over it" and now that she is, she doubts what she felt for him was love. I doubted it all along, but pointing out the obvious while she was still hurting is useless.

Personally, I don't think there is moving on from love; and after reading some comments, I feel that I am right. Some people want to call the love I am talking about "true love" but how can love be anything but true? Love is love and anything else is counterfeit. Unfortunately, people accept counterfeits as the real thing even after its over, calling what wasn't love, love. Warping their perception of what love is, because they keep holding on to the twisted illusion of love. So in a sense people do get ruined. But its their own fault. There are a lot of "ruined" people out there dating trying to find love without even asking "What is love?" in the first place. So they keep accepting the counterfeit as the real thing. That's really sad.

@ phoenix

You shouldn't call yourself damaged goods. Seems like you may have some self esteem issues, which more than likely contributed to the lack of loyalty to your man. Statements like "He wanted to make you better" connotes that you weren't good enough for him. And the new guys aren't wasting their time, you are. If you aren't ready, why are you even encouraging their pursuit of you? This is another indication that you have some self esteem issues and that the new guys are just boosting your ego for the moment. I would really suggest you take time to be by yourself for self reflection.
Rastaman

single24
While you have witnessed what your sister experience..love and heartbreak are one of those things you can only fully understand by experiencing it.

I am probably one of those people others describe as annoyingly rational. Mr. Spock from Star Trek is a character I personally admire. But even Spock fell in love and I am here to tell you that it is "stupid, naive and inadequate" sort of like a new born baby. But like a newborn it puts a special joy in us that nothing else can take the place of....

Love is a verb and loving someone opens ones up to whole host of negative prospects but in many ways it has a narcotic like quality about it. Everything else seems better. Which probably means it is not for everyone because as we see with narcotics: your first time might be a bad trip, abuse has negative consequences and going cold turkey is harder than a muder fucka!
single24

@rastaman

I agree with you completely about love being better understood after experiencing it. But I also said I think most people don't know what love is. Therefore I doubt people having more knowledge about love just because they claim they were once in love, while I acknowledge never being in love. At least not in the romantic sense, that most people mean.

But I do know love, and my understanding of it grows everyday. 1 john 4:7-8
That Guy

@Rastaman, great analogies for real.

"Love is a verb and loving someone opens ones up to whole host of negative prospects but in many ways it has a narcotic like quality about it. Everything else seems better."

- Co Signed 100%
Mz. VooDoo

@Until I get there

Your comment is so true a SOME women fall prey to heart break. I can attest to that, but I have now put up a defense mechanism, which can turn away a "good man", which is not good. I am still 8 yrs angry about my last heartbreak, which ended in divorce. It's true, you never love the same after the first heartbreak. I'm trying so hard to be "loveable" and to love, but let's face the facts, men are "dogs", I apoligize to all the "good" men in advance. But the anger and heartbreak is still there. Will I EVER get over it? only time and that one special person, will tell.
ThatOneAKA

@ Ms Mack- so true!
I can say that I allowed the negativity of my first serious relationship to have a negative influence on my marriage. Totally jumped into that relationship too quickly without taking the time out to get over the previous one and forgive myself for allowing some bad behavior. Granted, I can't say that this isn't the only reason the marriage didn't work, but I'd be foolish to not admit that it played a role. It's been almost 3 yrs since my divorce and I've recently met someone that I could totally give myself to 100%, but taking my time ... maturity and time are blessings!
cake211

No one can ruin me except for me. Life goes on after a break up. It doesn't make sense to punish myself further for a situation that has already ended. Situations are temporary, the effects are harsh, but you take your lesson, learn from it. It's difficult but it's so worth it, as humans, NOTHING in the world can have dominion over us in the world but God.

The worst breakup I've ever had was with myself. I wasn't loving myself right. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I fall in love with the Godliness in people VERY fast and I fall out of love in a little more time. I'm in love with everyone, everyone is beautiful to me. It's a blessing, but I realized that I wasn't in love with my self enough give that love to myself or to demand it from my mate when I wasn't getting it.

The thing is, the world around us tells us all this stuff about love, but the only love that works and has always worked is God. God is love. He tells us what love is: patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful, not prideful, not rude, not irritable, doesn't track wrongdoings, rejoices in the truth, never gives up, never loses faith, always hopeful, and ALWAYS endures.

I was always eager and willing to do and be these things for the guys I was involved with, but I never did it for myself. My old self did me so wrong, broke my heart into itty bitty pieces, made me feel like crap LOL sounds crazy, but she was never forgiving, always talkin bout what I did wrong, wasn't patient, wasn't kind, she definitely gave up on me. I treated myself worse than any guy ever has, by far.

I'm an emotional person in general, every breakup was dramatic for a week and a half. But this one, this one took a lot of building and improvement, a lot of love.

All my other breakups, they felt sucky, but I still love every single one of my exes genuinely and I wish them the best. They made mistakes, but so did I, it's okay. The bad times help us make better times cuz we learned from our mistakes. How could I have any resentment towards that?? LOL

God bless yall.
Kwana AKA OrangeStar AKA Phoenix7

“Love is a verb and loving someone opens ones up to whole host of negative prospects but in many ways it has a narcotic like quality about it. Everything else seems better.”

Love requires Vulnerability.......yes yes yes!
and thats the part that scares most folk, being that open.....but everything has a cost, if there is no risk than there is no gain.
DC Man With a Plan

So many very wise, logical, prudent comments...Most of which goes out the door in the face of reality; the daily grind; the aspects of "living" that can't be captured in writing, can't be contained in a reflective moment bcuz no moment is long enuff. So in the end, you're stuck with what you know, what you think you know and what you have yet to learn........
Lonias

I am in complete control of how I respond to my experiences in life. Experiences that hurt may be challenging, but challenging is not impossible. I'm a young widow (seems like an oxymoron), and I'm not mad at my husband for leaving and I'm not mad at God either. I'm not ruined!
Kwana AKA OrangeStar AKA Phoenix7

Lonias thats all we can control most of the time anyway!!!!
Jan

I would not be offended if somebody told me they didn't wanna "ruin" me. I would b thankful they warned me. I didn't hav an ex who I loved and he cheated during the whole thing. He was my 1st everything n I regret not seeing the signs everybody else seen. I gav him my all n now my bf suffers a lil becuz of the last asshole I was wit. But I learned a big lesson about love and lust. He broke up wit me 3xs n I just fell apart. I cried so much it was ridiculous. But when I got wit my boo now he showed me love didn't hav 2 b so drama-filled. It did change me cuz my mama even said it. Lesson Learned tho.
http://myspace.com/kobe81fan Shay from L.A. (Los Angeles)

I can honestly say that I am jaded. I don't trust anyone with my heart
AllAloneNow

Think about this, how do you deal with and/or accept tha fact that the only person you ever truely loved gets torn from your life, FOR LIFE.
You both still love each other but its beyond your circumstances. My husband got a life sentence in federal prison. So regardless of the choices that were made that led to his incarceration. Your heart is ripped out. So tell me how does one mend the heart?
Cali

As Forest Gump says, "Life is like a box of chocolates, u never know what your gonna get." True statement, we go through certain obstacles in life whether good or bad. And we learn from them. Everyone experiences things in a lifetime, that's what makes our life so valuable. Yeah you get in a relationship thinking things will work out and be the best, but that's fiction. God already has in mind who you will be with. Love is blind so u fall for the person u think is the one. Sure, it hurts to love someone and have them break your heart, but u were probably better off without them. One's trash is always another's treasure and that will never stop. What he or she didn't like someone else will love. Just learn from these obstacles, ur entitled to hurt & experience pain for alittle while, but MOVE ON. In that process, you'll become a stronger person, wiser about decisions, and most importantly you'll have grown up knowing what u want in a relationship, out of a relationship, and exactly what ur standards are and what u can & can't take. And in that process u will know yourself, love yourself, and be pleased with who u are. Nver settle always go 4 what u want or better.
truthinrumors

Ruined? I don't know.
Changed permanently? Yea maybe.

My mind literally won't let me go to that place of being naive/optimistic/trusting that you need to embark on a relationship with another person.

I can say that when I have bad days or feel some type of way about the past/ future, I wonder if maybe I have been ruined, but I can never pinpoint ONE person or ONE ex.

I think its a cumulative thing. What happened with him, him, AND him is why I am the way I am with you.
M.L.

Ruined? I thought i was. But i have way to much confidence to let a girl break me down.
Was their an ex that took me a long time to get over? Yessuur. 2 times. Brittany & Kamiya. What had me so heartbroken. With Brittany it ended to fast. And it look like we where going to be together for a while. We still talk though so it's all good. I still got love for her. And with Kamyia i thought she was the one as well. But she played me like a fool. Another story for another day.I do most of the breaking up. It's either i checked out mentally, physically, all the above. How do i move on after bad breakup's. 1. Pray to God 2. Spend time with my Real life brother's like 2 at the most. 3. Shoot Hoops. 4. Lift Weights. 5. Crack Jokes.

Bless M.L.
http://undressingher.com undressingHER

according to my ex, I've ruined her for life. To me, not at all. I take every new relationship with a woman with a fresh start.
mshollywood

@Lisa P... Girl, you've gone through very horrible, painful things as you have revealed to us but it takes a good, mature, loving woman to hit rock bottom and come back up a better woman... GOD BLESS!! No doubt the quality of your life has improved since when you get hurt so bad there's nowhere to go but up!
I met a great guy recently... better than great... close to perfect... handsome,yes, sexy, hell yes, educated, borderline genius smart, no kids, great career.... SO WHAT!!!! He had a heart of GOLD no lie... ... but was hurt SO bad by his ex and he still loved her SO much that he could not be hurt more than he was (though they were broken up for a year you could still see the pain in this man's eyes). And the pain becomes a real, living being inside you that unconsciously seeks to pain others. I knew that, though my feelings were involved, he could not be more hurt than he was and his feelings were being used up elsewhere. If anyone had a risk to get hurt, it was me. I couldn't compete nor did I want to. So I let him go. It was sad but I understood where he was. I too have been wronged and though the bitterness does come up at times it's overweighed by the pureness of the love I know I want to give to someone who is ready.
Bottom line: we know right away if it's going to work or not... hame on us if we stay...for we can ruin OURSELVES if we're not strong enough to dust ourselves off.
mshollywood

@ ML...
Love the moving on strategies!!!
Irizle

lesson learned on every relationships. we might take awhile to get over but eventually we will get there. relationships are alot of work. it takes to two people to make it thru the good times and bad times.
M.L.

@Mshollywood thanks for the shout out. Much respect
cynthia

i have been through alot with my ex has he ruined me for others no but it has taken me along time to get over him and to be truthful i am still no over him 100%. your first true love hurts when it is end but whenever all u do is sit back an cry lock urself away 4rm others its even harder to just let go. i have come to relize that i am always going to love him and if i could take back time to fix us i would but to all those that have lost the one u loved trust me its not the end there is always someone out there looking for you. if anyone needs to talk just text my yahoo its buttie_mama1315@yahoo.com
Anonymous

face the facts, youll never get over your first love
Tarantula

Getting over anyone is possible. Your life is in your own hands and no matter what people say, no person can permanently damage another person. The question is most people don't know how to handle breakups.
I have got a mantra if anyone is willing to try. Deep meditation. Concentrate on that one power that moves us all. We have to believe that there is an entity that drives us all and also that most events that happen are pre-destined.
Once you have trained your mind to reach that level of understanding, things become easy and you will be filled with a sense of forgiveness for all creatures. That is when you will start to really love.

The heartbreaking type of love is that love where the heartbroken one is full of unreal expectations and those expectations are not met. If you love without the unconsious thought of getting something back in return, you will not get hurt and will heal any past hurt that was.

One has to remember that each one of us are born alone, we die alone, feel pain alone and practically live alone.
bogart4017

An ex can certainly make you wary of certain behaviors that normally would not send up red flags. Thanks to exes i don't do a lot of arguing. It never changes any behaviors so its a waste of time. I don't give my woman any problems about where she goes or what she does as long as shes safe. If she needs anything she can come to me and if its reasonable its hers. In return i don't take any lip as long as i'm doing what im suppose to do and respecting her in and out of the home. I also refuse to argue about MY money. I made it. Thats that. Suggestions? Ok, i'll listen. But i learned my lesson and make my decisions independently.
Anonymiss

About the whole "I don't want to ruin you" comment... well I had a guy make a similar comment to me except he said I'm not on his level and that I'm too "good".... && something along the lines of him not wanting to break my heart.... it was all so silly to me. Like, what he was saying was somewhat true because I am young and I haven't been in a serious relationship yet but I didn't like how he was openly stating that he was most definitely going to break my heart... who plans to break someone's heart?? ....Long story short a few months later I found out nigga got two kids && apparently still with their mom.
Alicia B.

Do you think it’s a bit cocky for someone to ask if they’ve ruined you?

- I think it really all depends on if he's a selfish jerk or is saying it out of genuine concern. though I'm thinking it's more a shot at an ego-boost for him.

What would your response be to someone saying that to you?

- I'd probably give a really nasty response, not actually answering the question. But more just trying to get a shot at hurting his feelings.

Is there an ex(s) that took you a real long time to get over?

- Of course. for me it was the cliche' "First love".

What was it about him/her that had you so heartbroken?

- Being young. Being in my first long relationship (Over 2 years). What took me so long to get over I think was how lonely I had felt. I went from Having that 1 person be a part of my every day life, and being a big part in what I do, to having him not there at all. I had gotten so used to the little things (Him calling me every morning, Friday move night, knowing he would be there if I needed him, etc) that when he was gone, my whole life/routine was changed. I felt so lost.

Do you think there’s some truth to the idea that you never love the same after your first heartbreak?

- Not really. After getting your heart broken, You swear up and down that you'll never love again. But you eventually do and become blissfully unaware of how hurt you got last time.

How long does it usually take you to get over someone?

- That really can't be explained. though I can say that after my first heartbreak, I learned how to cope a little better.

Or are you usually the one that ends relationships?

- never. I always make the mistake of trusting way to much which always end up in me being taken advantage of. so when I decide to stand up for myself, my partner will realize "Hey, I can't control her anymore", And move on.

How do you move on after a bad breakup?

- Let time go by. Getting rid of EVERYTHING of his or that was special between you two helps a lot. But really the only thing that really will heal you is time. It might seem like a never ending rut of despair and heartbreak. But you will notice one day that your not crying as much, you don't think about him as often (Or can think about him without going into hysterics), And when you realize that things WILL be okay, that's when people can usually move on.
js

i just got out of a 2 yr relationship and i feel that it can ruin you ive tried dating guys but i cant seem 2 let go i 100 percent agree with tha comment about how you just dont feel like giving tha same effort..your scared 2 get hurt again..but i am with a new guy and hes perfect but i cant seem to open up and let myself love again.
BR

Someone once told me that is takes 7 years to get over your first love. I highly doubted that was true, but after being crushed by my high school sweetheart, I decided that was as good of an answer as I would ever have.

Nine years later.....

I believe that once in a lifetime you meet your soul mate. Some people are lucky enough to know them, like I was, but you never get over that. You just move on and pretend to forget in order to keep your sanity.

I just tell myself that he isn't anything like he used to be and sometimes that works to quell the hurt....for a minute.
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com Tiffany

While I don't think you canbe ruined for another perosn, I believe you can be irreparably damaged for the next. We are all effected by a relationship. The good parts of it and the bad side. We take those with us to the next relationship whether we lke it or not and must make the decision of whether or not to let the past define who we are now. It's hard to push past the ideas that are running through your kind when you start a new relationship, no matter how great it is. There are things that will trigger thoughts and memories and you gotta be honest with the new one and yourself of whether you are ready to be where you are and whether you can deal without punishing the newbie. Right now I have to puch through y pain everyday trying to mend my own heart because there is no one else that can mend it for you.
Asfor first loves. It took me 5 month to get over him, but 5 years, yes 5 years to get over him completely since he is the father of my children and we have to deal with one another.

Peace, Love and Chocolate

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