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Dating Tips For Interracial Relationships (Do You Approve?)

Posted by NWSO • October 29, 2009 • Printer-friendly

About a year ago I wrote about my personal views on interracial dating. To be completely honest, I’ve never seriously dated or been intimate with a woman that wasn’t Black besides this one time I linked up with a Latina lover. It’s not that I have any issue with women of other races; I just haven’t had much luck or opportunity in that dating pool.

With that said, I’d probably be the worst person to provide tips on how to date interracially. That’s why I called in someone with a little more experience for the assist on this post. Dewan W. Gibson is the author of The Imperfect Enjoyment, a nonfiction humor book about a secret relationship between a Black college instructor and Arab student. In his book, Gibson recounts his personal and hilarious experiences dealing with women of other races.

For his guest blog Gibson gives insight into the many challenges people in interracial relationships experience with nine useful and interesting tips. Peep what Gibson has to say below and be sure to check out his blog.

Let me know your thoughts on Gibson’s tips. Are they helpful? Have you ever been in an interracial relationship? If so, what problems did you run into if any? Where your family and friends open to the idea of the relationship? Do you think some people date outside their race just to experiment or out of general attraction? Would you be upset if your child, relative or ex brought home someone of a different race? Why or why not? Do you think interracial relationships are actually good for society as a whole? Do you secretly hate on people that date outside their race?

Speak your piece…

“8 Rules of Interracial Relationships”
Although a certain small-minded justice in Louisiana may be overly “concerned” about biracial children, interracial relationships actually do present challenges not seen in mono-cultural relationships. Be sure to read the suggestions below before you jump in the snow! —Dewan W. Gibson

1) DON’T LIE
Be upfront about your partner's race when describing him or her to others. If you’re uncomfortable discussing your partner's race, how do you think others will feel? For example, there is no reason to identify (i.e. sugarcoat) your White American boyfriend as being German, Italian or Polish to your Black friends. It’s okay to say he or she is White! The same goes for a White person dating a Black person who claims to be part “Native American.” Don't be fooled by a perm kit and VIP card to the tribal casino. He or she is Black, you should both be proud. Get over it!

2) DON’T LABEL
Unless he or she costs over 100k and can reach 60 MPH in three seconds, do not describe your partner as “exotic.” People who say such things are the same ones who label their folks as "my Mexican friend" or "my Black friend." If you’re one of these people who believe everything revolves around race, an interracial relationship is probably not for you.

3) DON’T FRONT
Realize you’re not less "down" with your own race for dating someone of a different culture. I don't know how many times I've seen young Black men grow dreads and rock a dashiki after entering a relationship outside their race. Just relax! Have the wisdom to
understand that those less open do not determine your level of Blackness, Whiteness, Latino-ness, Iraqi-ness, etc.

4) DON’T OVERREACT
Do not be overly sensitive to "racist" statements. Most often simple slips of the tongue (and brain) are not said with malicious intent. For example, while at a graduation celebration with a White woman and her family, her mother asked me to dance. After I hesitated she had the nerve to say, "Come on! I know you people like to dance." My initial thought was to speed dial Jesse Jackson, organize a protest with Al Sharpton and release my inner Nat Turner. Then, I thought, "Big deal, a lot of Black people like to dance—so do many others—but you have to admit, we can get down." Anyway, I gave her the benefit of doubt and assumed she didn’t think that dancing was the ONLY thing Black people can do well. Still, the "you people" statement was a bit bothersome. So I reached a happy medium. I chose not to dance, but also decided to not think of the mother as a racist. Everyone says stupid things. When you’re in an interracial relationship you will hear more than you might expect (even from your partner). Pick and
choose your battles wisely.

5) DON’T HIDE
Regardless what your partner says about their family having a “tough time accepting you," absolutely refuse to be a secret to your partner's family or friends. People tend to tell family and friends if someone great comes into their lives. If you have been with your partner for anything close to a year and have yet to meet his family, chances are you are not that great to him or her. My advice is to leave the relationship. Before you do, though, consider showing up unannounced at his or her next family event, just for kicks.

6) DON’T CRY
Realize that many of your friends and family may be tolerant of interracial dating—from a distance. I once dated an Arab woman whose aunt had Black friends, loved Black music and even looked Black at first glance. But when she heard her niece was in love with a Black man (me) it was a different story. She actually broke down in tears at the thought of my long caramel-colored arms wrapped around her niece. My only advice: Point out the contradiction and let the offended party get over his or her issue. If you’re an adult there is no need to justify your choice of a partner.

7) DON’T DISRESPECT
Do not dismiss your partner's culture with statements like, "everyone is the same." Yes, people are alike in many ways, but there are also profound cultural differences and there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging this. For example, if your partner is Muslim are you going to make him or her hog maws for dinner? Be respectful toward and enjoy your cultural differences.

8 ) DON’T FANTASIZE
Keep your racial porn fantasies to yourself. Meaning, if you’re a brother who watches movies such as Asian Muff and you just happen to be dating a Chinese woman, do not ask her to bind her feet, walk around ass-naked and serve you green tea with a hint of ginseng.

Tagged as: bias, interracial dating, race, racism

da ThRONe

I think these were some helpful tips. Being that I have never dated outside my race and have given up on dating altogether this wont help me.

The whole "You people" line might not have gone over so smoothly! LOL
http://chicitychick.blogspot.com chi_chick

Unlike Beyonce and Rihanna, I never thought I had "cross over appeal" to other races, so the tips above don't apply to my situation...
I'm open to the idea of dating outside of my race, just never been approached.
Momof3

One time my girls and I were in a food place ,I can't remember which, and an interracial couple were sitting inside eating... The black man proceeded to stop and ask us a question. "why is it that back women automatically get attitudes when they see black men with women of other races?" I was shocked because I hadn't even looked in their direction for more than a second. But apparently they were just friends but caught a lot of back lash for hanging out. IDK about other people but I could care less who anyone is with. I have a son and I KNOW he'll grow up to be a good black man. I'd prefer that he find a good black woman to settle down with but should he happen to fall in live with a white woman I'd love her to simply because my son does...
Covid26

I've been in an interracial relationship for 15 years, (married 4), and these tips are helpful...where were they 10 yrs ago. LOL! It took a long time for me to be accepted by his family, and some still don't speek to me. My family and friends were cool with it from the git go. It helps that he's a good person, with a big heart, and an infinate amount of patience. I think if you bring someone home to meet the family, and they're obnocsious, disrespectful, or arrogant, no matter the race your family's gonna have a hard time accepting them. My best advice for interracial couples is LOVE them through it all...when it comes down to it, it's you and your relationship that matters.
mizze

Being that I have never been in an interracial relationship I cant speak from personal experience, but my family is so multi-racial.. I have black, white, latina and Chinese in my family. That has really opened up my mind to the idea of dating outside my race. Those in my family that are in interracial relationships have been for YEARS so they have experienced hatred that we dont see as MUCH today (even tho there are still people who disagree)...

I am so open about dating other races and get approached by ALL races of people (that is why I dont get the whole "if she black, she gotta be lightskin to be attractive to other races"- being that I am dark skin). If I was not in a relationship with a black man, I would have absolutely NO problem dating outside my race. And I know that a part of it is because black men have no problem doing it. I am not going to stick with a group of men where the large majority will go outside their race to find a mate. Not saying that they are all going JUST to avoid black women, some really just love WOMEN. =)

But getting back to the topic, I think those are very generic rules (based on what I have experienced by seeing my family members in interracial relationships). They are good for starters but I believe that, AND I AM ONLY SPEAKING FROM WHAT I HAVE WITNESSED, there are many more issues that come along with interracial dating than just those
da ThRONe

I dont really care about it one way or the other and dont know why anybody else would.

And if my family would act like a booty about who Im with fuck'em!
Shay from L.A. (Los Angeles)

My boyfriend is white. I will admit that even though I live in Los Angeles, melting pot central, we still get looked at side-ways while we are out. Mainly by other black people, both male and female.

Maybe if I was a frumpy looking woman, people wouldn't even look twice, but I feel because I am attractive, black men especially, look at me in shock and disdain for being with a white man.

I date outside of my race because I am open to the possibilities of love outside of a black man.

My mother is racist and she would always tell me that I "better not bring nothing home that aint black." So, needless to say, I keep my personal life just that...personal.

I had a close male friend (he is black) say that I have given up on brothers and I am sending the message to my 11 year old son that black men aren't good enough for me. I don't agree, but that is how some people think. I asked my son how he feels about me dating white men, and he said that he doesn't care, as long as I am happy he is happy.

As far as the tips:

1. I am very quick to acknowledge my man's race.
2. I don't think everything revolves around race. However, there are some differences I wish he'd understand, like don't touch my hair!
3. I still wear my weave down to my ass; I don't front and try to act "extra" black. If anything, people say that I act/sound white.
4. I am overly sensitive when it comes to race regardless of who I date, so if someone said "you people" I would probablly go bananas.
5. He will meet my mom eventually, just not yet. I'm not ready to deal with my CRAZY family.
6. - N/A
7. - N/A
8. - N/A
cake211

I've only dated outside my race once and he was puerto rican. I naively went into it thinking, black, spanish, same difference. It was a smaller issue among a plethora of other issues for why we didn't work, but I still remember when it arose.

The first time was 3 months after we started dating, I asked him if he preferred black girls and why because all the girls he'd been involved with were black. He told me that he prefers black girls cuz they're stronger and better because we aren't like latinas who aren't about anything except for having babies. I was flattered, but not really because a. girls of any race can be strong or be about nothing and b. his mother and his two sisters are ALL latina. His expectations of me and the reasons why he liked me had more to do with stereotypes and my being black than I had liked.

The other thing that occurred was when I was talking to him about my contempt towards the word "nigga." Obviously, because he wasn't black he couldn't know exactly how I felt, but I was hurt by the fact that didn't really care about the issue cuz he wasn't black.

After those experiences, I def co-sign these rules. I don't think inter-racial relationships can work if both parties don't make a conscious decision to allow their difference to enhance the relationship and inspire each other. A white woman will never experience how it feels to be a black man, but her awareness of how major it is to him can help her to be supportive of him, and vice versa.

I think the fact that interracial relationships still have such a profound effect on society is the reason why it can improve society. I mean, the dynamics of an interracial relationship are interesting because it's "different" from what people are used to seeing, but I think it's really loser-ish that people automatically clutch their pearls. They may have different shades and experiences, but they're still just two people who happen to like each other, and for whatever reason they do is their business, whether or not race has anything to do with it.
da ThRONe

Racial intolerance is stupid!
M.L.

I have dated outside of my race. I love doing it to. People look at us sideways all the time. Did not bother me none. I would do it again.
http://thoughtsof100k.blogspot.com/ 100K

Dated outside my race....

I lok at people as just that so it didnt really matter to me. i had sistas gimme the sideways look but i do what works for me.

it had its god times and bad but w/e
http://teanhoneybread.blogspot.com t. allen-mercado

Number 7 made me laugh out loud ! I 'm a 2+ decades long vegetarian and Black, and my family is from the South. My husband is White and an omnivore with the exception of pork. His family whispers that he doesn't eat pork because I'm Black and mine insists I'm a vegetarian because he's White...still! You just can't win-even in the absence of any cultural correlation, assumptions will be made.

I agree with all of the tips, and really they do help but sometimes laughter is the safest, quickest most effective route through it all.
MissMe83

I've BRIEFLY dated outside my race. No one really said anything about it. He was Mexican and I'm Black. And I know it's a little crazy, but I would like to date outside of my race again. No disrespect to black men, but I want to date a Puerto Rican or someone else of Hispanic decent. I know how black men have treated me...so I kinda want to try something else. Now that doesn't mean I'm giving up on black men....just try something different.
I have never SERIOUSLY been approached by anyone other than black men. Except for the white dude I used to work with, and he just wanted to BOINK....said he liked my big booty....I couldn't do it!!
Ali

"I’ve only dated outside my race once and he was puerto rican. I naively went into it thinking, black, spanish, same difference."

Puerto Ricans aren't Spanish.

I approve of interracial dating because I don't see what the big deal is. It's just the reasons that go behind it that I disapprove of.
cake211

@MissMe83

I don't think it's crazy to date outside of your race, and I don't know you so I'm not tryna "read" you, I would just like to share my perspective and have a healthy discussion.

I think that by choosing to date Latinos because your relationships with black guys haven't worked, the decision assumes that the problem with previous relationships was that the men were black. You're not giving up on black men, but the fact that they're black presents an issue. Black guys aren't out of the game, but they've lost cool points. The change in the men you choose to date now will be based on their race. I see where you're coming from, but I have to question how much race should actually matter in this case.

Do the men you've been involved with have other things in common besides the fact that they're black? Is there a possibility that the reason you weren't treated well wasn't because all the men were black, but because of a characteristic or personality trait that they all share? Is it a characteristic that a man of any race could have, or just a characteristic black men have?
cake211

@Ali

oops!! my bad, it was out of habit! sorry, i definitely know better. sometimes my slightly hood upbringing gets the best of me LOL
~C

Well... I've been in interracial relationship since I was in 7th grade. Fourteen years later and it still comes with its challenges. I am always nervous when meeting a boyfriends’ family for the first time and how they are going to feel about me being white. I have been in situations where they welcome me with open arms and I have been completely ignored. Thankfully my family looks more at how a man treats me, rather than focusing on the color of his skin. Dealing with people out in town, we have received stares by both races and I've just learned to ignore it.

I think the most irritating thing that I have had to deal with happens when I say that I am dating someone and the first thing that people ask is whether or not he is black. Why?

I think Gibson's tips are helpful and a little obvious. Real love is color blind...I know it's a little cliché but I believe it's true. When you love someone, accept them as they are, accept their beliefs and their culture.
AnOminous

Wow, never thought this would be an issue...
I dunno, "blackness" doesn't really feel like a distinct enclave or subculture here in France. I mean, its more to do with money (rich folk hang together, ghetto folk as well). There is some attachment to the motherland, and i've lived in Africa most of my childhood so i can dig that cultural vibe (can't say the same about african-americanness). I've not had anything serious except with a Kabyl girl (Algerian) and i'm as Celtic as they come, but that side was never a factor (and her grandma had tattoos on her face... talk about cultural differences).
I can understand why a white person would find it hard being with a village girl/boy in Zambia or something, but in my book many-generation immigrants and white folk are pretty much on the same level when it comes to dating and relationships. I think religion is more of a complicating factor (in particular judaism and islam), and social inequality, but not race...
YoungJay

Dating regardless of race is a challenge...embrace your differences and share in them and it can only get easier : )

PS- I just love the word WOMANl so I am open to applications from women of all flavors
YoungJay

*WOMAN!
irish_mami8

Had to throw my two cents in. I live in NC, and there are an awful lot of ignorant rednecks who will shoot you dirty looks if you're a black man and a white woman. It drives me crazy, but it doesn't seem to bother him. I guess if you're black, you grow up dealing with ignorance. I guess I just thought that things should be different by now. It's not the 1960s after all. I've had many people tell me that I don't look like the type, which to me is ignorant, too. We all like who we like, and nothing can compare to having a man wrap his chocolate arms around you.

My mom is starting to get over it. My dad is in denial. Honestly, he's not the most enlightened person. He believes in a lot of the stereotypes, but the idea of his daughter being with a black man bothers him. He just ignores it, and I let him live in his denial. I'm grown and don't need anyone's approval.

I'm with Shay. Our sons don't need us to date people of a certain race. It's got nothing to do with them. If we're happy, it makes things a whole lot easier for them. When they're grown, I won't say anything about who they pick as long as she treats them well.
BMW2K

LOL @ #8.

I have never dated men of a different ethnic group. From a physical perspective I have always preferred men of color. When I have been attracted to men of a different group, they were still "of color"(Moroccan, Egyptian); however, the religious and/or cultural differences made it too awkward to develop the relationship past friendship.
Kelly

I've only dated someone of my own race once, actually, and was married to him for a short time.

Honestly, the only thing that you really need to know about dating outside your race, is you MUST develop a thick skin, because there are ignorant racists of ALL races, who are going to give you the side eye and talk s*** about you.

I can say this.. in my 13+ of dating another race no one has ever had the nerve to say it to my face, lol.
http://majest3c@yahoo.com LDP

I do not think dating should come with color boundaries however, I do think that people need to understand that dating outside of your race takes allot more understanding, commitment and effort on the part of both parties.

You have to learn and adapt to cultural and religious differences as well as childhood practices and upbringings.

I married a hispanic male and honestly never took the time to acknowledge the differences amongst us that was until he "laid down the law" as to what the were for a women... By then it was too late... Thank GOD I'm divorced and out of that situation now, but honestly that was a rode i could have avoid if i would have educated myself better about the person and his cultural principles.
Mami

GREAT!!! Since divorced dated out of my race and love it. First I get so many eyes looking at me especially in the black community. I have dated a Honduras guy, Asian, and white. It so funny how brothers will ask me "Why"? Since my divorced haven't been approach by any brothers. So I say for all the Naked with Sock Fam. Step out the box!!! The heart is red in everyone.
da ThRONe

I am all for dating whoever you so choose!

BUT!

The whole idea of "Trying something new" is completely the wrong approach. People are people. Its the upbringing not the race that makes a person.

Like cake211 and LPD mentioned if you arent having success dating it has nothing to do with race. There are selfish people of all races and walks of life. The key is to screen your potential mates better not running to the side of grass that looks greener from a far! If your screening process remains the same you will get the same jerk just different skin tone and hair texture.
MizzRenea

My boyfriend is black and i am white. We get looks from time to time usually from other black women... I've had women comment that they couldnt believe he was with a white women and how did that happen etc. We'll be driving and i see people literally break their neck sometimes to look. My hardest hump was dealing with people talking about his sons and I relationship. I am "mom" in his eyes as he does not have a mother in the picture however just by looking at him everyone makes comments he is full black... And YOUR POINT!!!! He is my son regardless if he was purple i love him just as much. I am currently pregnant and wonder sometimes what people will say and wondered how his sisters felt at first. I have met his family and the except me and dont care as long as i treat him right. He has met my family and is a part of us. We are not married but he's looked at as my hubby in my families eyes.... And to us officially its just a matter of time. Neither of our families look skin deep and to our children as long as they are happy we are happy regardless of color!!
Songboy3

Reading this post reminded me of when I used to date this young lady from Dallas, Texas who was white. It was interesting because we both got a kick out of seeing our cultural differences up close! But she said one thing that kind of blew me away. As a young lady growing up, she had NEVER dated a white man! She had plenty of white male friends and all that but she was never approached for dates and whatnot. On the other hand, the bruthas came at her hard! I will say she was (& still is...) one of the most well-endowed women I've ever known. But that never really explained why she's only dated black men. In my eyes, she never played to any sterotype that folks might have about a white woman who only dates black men. She's not a wigger by ANY stretch of the imagination though we did used to goof on how much more 'ghetto' (more her thought process that any affectation) she was than me. She never claimed she was 'black-owned' or anything like that. A very low-key, generous, kind-hearted woman. To add the cherry on top, she said that in this stage of her life, she doesn't know if she could date a white guy. It would feel 'alien' to her (her word, not mine). It's funny how you think you have a grasp on a particular idea or subject and then something or someone comes along and totally destroys any supposed insight you think you may have.
Jellybeans mom

First I was married to a PR guy for 7 years and we have a beatiful daughter. I prefer to date outside my race bc the only men that seem to be curious about me, and that want to get to know me have been white or hispanic. I truly am not sexually attracted to men of my own race, I cant figure it out and they never seemed to approach me anyhow and when they did it was with loads of "game' and the expectation that bc Im a woman and hes a man that I should take it or leave it, with no standards. I say this from personal experiences. Dating and loving is about choices and being able to exercise your choices. I remember telling a black my preference and he took it upon himself to say he could "change" my mind, very disrepectful. I am very secure and proud to be black and I dont have to prove it by dating inside my race. By the way the article was great. Thanks for addressing this non issue , which it should be by the way at this day and age
Rastaman

A point that is overlooked in this discussion is the impact of fetishization in interracial and cross cultural dating. Not that I am against that because frankly, I on some level fetishize all the women I have ever seriously dated.

But what happens to the relationship when it is more about the fetishization than the person?

Race is an hot button issue in America, even moreso than most other places in the world. So I think interracial dating is always going to be more complex than intraracial dating. Thus it is not for everyone and if its not for you I think that is fine just as long as you learn to live and let live.

Truth be told, they are not having any better or any worse a time than you are.
da ThRONe

@Jellybeans mom

While who really know where and/or at what stage we develop our sexual perference. I do think there is a deeper issue with people who arent attracted to their own race. Espeically people of african decent(but this is just my opinion). But I think you have to try hard not to find beauty in all races.

I use to hear white chicks tell me all the time "Im not into black guys ,but your so hot" I would hear that same exact line all the time and didnt really know how to take it!
MissMe83

@Cake211 I know the way I worded my post made it come off as if I were putting down black men. And I'm not. What I should have stated is that I may try to broaden my choices of potential men. Particularly to Hispanics. I use this ethnic group b/c socially, I can relate to them. And by socially, I am meaning within my personal social parameters. The black men that I have dated don't all have the same characteristics. I've dated the church boy, the thug (don't want to go down that road again..lol), mama's boy, the player (didn't know that at the time..hence the name)..etc. I'm not necessarily saying they all treated me poorly, but it didn't work out. I'm not naive to think that because it didn't work with a black man means that it would work for a Hispanic. I also know that men are men, regardless of race, ethnicity, creed, or religion. I would have to adjust to every little quirk and oddity that each one presents. I'm just saying I need to look beyond my chocolate borders. Also it's not saying that if a nice black man approaches me, I wouldn't give him the time of day. I don't have tunnel vision.

Unfortunately, I am racially biased when it comes to the people I date. I can't see myself dating a white or Asian man...but that's just me. I don't have anything against interracial couples, whatever works for them is great b/c I'm not in their relationship. Now while I can't see myself in this type of coupledom, who knows what is in store for me down the road.....my attitudes toward the situation may change and I may open myself up to all men.
http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com Dewan W. Gibson

Great to read everyone's comments and personal stories (shout out to Songboy 3, I sense he had a smile on his face as he wrote about the "well-endowed" whooty in Dallas:). I was a bit surprised by a few of the posts noting that they simply were not attracted to whatever race. I've always found it tough to exclude an entire race from one's dating pool, but maybe that's because I can be a bit of a hornball who finds physical beauty in a variety of women. The "not attracted" posts also remind me of my first year of college in small town/all white Ohio, where the conversation among the few black men was "Do y'all like white girls?" The overwhelming majority of us (including the athletes!) said "Hell naw," "no," or "I ain't trying to get down like that." Yet, by second quarter nearly everyone was proved to be a hypocrite, including a few brothas that ended up going for white boys lol.

I'll be sure to stop in again and check the comments. Thanks again for reading.
pre-med

Interracial dating is perfectly normal. You cant control who your attracted to nor can you control who you fall in love with..

My problem is when people claim to be attracted to another culture based on negative or demeaning standards towards their own culture. (ie: black men who dont like black women because their classless, ghetto, and overly independent; as someone stated earlier, her ex didnt date hispanic women cause their only into making babies.) This is ignorant and juvenile.

!!!!Side note: There is no such thing as race.. meaning there is no biological need for the term.
BMW2K

@ Dewan

I am curious as to where you read that someone was "simply not attracted to whatever race". My post is the only post prior to yours that even comes close (since all the previous ones said they either were open to it or had done it). If your comment was in reference to my comment, then you misunderstood/misread what I wrote. .

My comment did not express what I was NOT attracted to, but more to what DOES attract me. I find it very puzzling, though humorous, why who I am attracted to would be an issue? How is it any different from a person saying they are attracted to brown eyes, or broad shoulders, or big big breasts and booty ?
Elle

The only place where I constantly see and hear debates about the Pros and Cons of interracial dating is the US. It is also the only place where I ever ran into flat out racism when I was out and about with my man. The ignorant remarks came from all sides ... white, latin, black ... they loved us in L.A.

It is not an issue where I am from. With the exception of one person, everybody I know is mixed in some kind of way, including myself. So being face to face with other cultures and experiencing them first hand instead of looking in from the outside has been a part of my upbringing.

I always date outside of my "race" as I doubt I will accidently bump into some guy who is mixed in the same way that I am. Highly unlikely. It is a great way to broaden one's horizon.

The tips .. I don't know ... I would think stuff like that comes natural. But if you want to rationalize and analyze I guess they won't hurt.
Usually, the only problems I have encountered were problems third party people had with the relationship. I didn't experience any difference between the men I dated and myself which stemmed from race. We always got along great and were compatible as we came from similar backgrounds and had made similar experiences growing up - all race aside.
They never really voiced their opinion but I think my ex's mom and one of his sisters had a problem with me not being black. Who knows, it could have been something else but they didn't even bother to get to know me to criticize me based on anything else. *shrugs*

All in all, I am an equal opportunity dater. It is tough enough to meet somebody you are compatible with. I am not going to increase the odds against me by inserting "race" into the equation.
da ThRONe

@Elle

Because the US has been this melting pot races clutch to there culture more. In Eupore everybody has the same culture so there are no cultural barriers to get over. So it easier to focus on dating. Race isnt the issue culture is.
DragonFly

Regarding the comments about the difference between interracial dating in the US vesus other places: My take is that the largest issue comes when a black man/woman dates anyone of any other race and that, contrary to other opinions (as these are all opinions), mine is that it's not about culture, but is all about the history of race in the US.

I agree with Throne that US has no single "American culture", which can cause complexity. However, the big thing is that Black folks have a history of NOT being accepted outside of our own commnities in this country. We, and particularly women, have then built a protective wall around ourselves and our children, where it's been hard for us to see positivity coming out of "leaving" your community because that HISTORICALLY meant danger, deception, hurt.

My dad is quite old school. He grew up with a lot of very racist experiences against him and his family (i'm talking cross-burning and bricks in the windows of his childhood home where they were the first black fam in the area). He said to me just a few days ago that he doesn't feel that white men "deserve black women yet" because of our history with them. This is very telling of where some of the attitudes and difficulty come in (for some) American Blacks. It's about getting past the history.

Anyway, I'm just strongly attracted and drawn to Black men, but if I met a man of another race that drew me to him and vice versa, I'd be down. I wanna be happy and in love. Period.
sylkiifeather

i hate interracial dating. but to each his own. just dont bash black women (or men) in the process when you choose to jump the fence. dont make excuses.

but ive personally never understood how you can grow up with a black mother, black father, black grandparents, black siblings, black aunt and uncles and not love black people enough to want black kids (and no i dont see mixed kids as black...say what you want). what happened to self love. how can grow up with this around you and love the features of other races? im not being sarcastic...im seriously asking this of people who participate in this...

but again, to each his own...
http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com Dewan W. Gibson

@BMW2K

Yes, it was your comment and the comment by Song Boy which made me think THE WOMAN he discussed was only attracted to black men (I could be wrong). So maybe my post should have read a "couple of the posts" as opposed to "a few of the posts."

I never said who you or anyone else is attracted to is an issue; I simply said I was "surprised." Put it like this: If I LOVE to eat all types of food--Italian, Greek, Soul, Ethiopian etc and someone says to me "I don't like Italian food," I'm going to be surprised simply because I know there are some tasty ass Italian dishes. I would think to myself "Damn she just dismissed all these good Italian dishes...but they're so good!" So a similar response happens if I hear someone say "I don't like black women." I immediately think "There are a lot of beautiful black women! Why dismiss an entire race?"

As for race being another physical feature like a big ass, brown hair, etc---only in an ideal world. Unfortunately race carries a lot of baggage, both historical and simply because it is intertwined with ethnicity...which is why interracial relationships have special issues and brown hair/big ass relationships do not. Though tips for dating someone with a big ass might make a good article:) Be easy, best of luck to you.
mizze

@sylkiifeather
I see your point but I do not understand how just because someone is attracted to other races means they love their race less. Im confused on how that works. My aunt is married to a Chinese man but she has had black boyfriends before. Plus, she still celebrates Kwanzaa and their children are deeply involved in both Chinese and African activities to learn about both of their cultures. So, by witnessing this, I know that you can still have a deep connection with your own heritage even if you date outside your race. You cannot help who you fall in love with.

What seems more strange to me is people who are not even open to the idea of dating outside their race. WHy close yourself off like that? I have never dated anyone COMPLETELY outside my race meaning that I have dated other races but they were all mixed with black. I see no problem in dating men that may be another race because I see interracial relationships in my family so I am just more open to other things. I refuse to be bound to my own people just to try and please others and show that I "love my black people" or "I love myself"...

NOw if you are talking about people who date SOLELY outside their race..then that is a WHOLE other story. THAT I dont agree with and if that is what you were referring to, then I agree with you 100%. I do not feel its normal to date solely outside your race, excluding your own. ANd this is NOT just with black men or women- its ALL races. I don't see anything wrong with interracial relationships because I believe almost every race has attractive people and your heritage, culture or the color of your skin does not determine if you are attractive or not. But for someone to say that they only find other races of people attractive- there is something wrong with that
sylkiifeather

i meant all interracial dating...and i have no shame in my comment by the way. narrow minded...i sure am when it comes to this. and i will tell you why i wouldnt even open myself up to dating outside my race. i am a black queen...and therefore i require a king...and to me, only black men are kings. so why downgrade? to me, it is a downgrade to be with less than a king, who is a black man. also when i date, i date with the intent of it being something serious that can potentially lead to marriage. i would never marry anything other than black man because i want black kids...not mixed kids. i dont see the point in dating a non-black man because i know it would never lead to marriage, ever. that is just my personal beliefs. now i also dont see anything wrong with anyone else dating outside their race. but for me, i will stick with kings...
sylkiifeather

oh, and yes you can help who you fall in love with...love doesnt happen over night, and it d*mn sure isnt unconditional...
da ThRONe

@sylkifeather

Its that mindset that allowed white people to justify treating black people as second rate citizens. Nobody is better than anybody because of race. If a white person made that same comment you would be screaming bloody murder.
sylkiifeather

@ da ThRONe....

lmao...how did this get turned into something about racism. i didnt say one race was better than the other. im saying i LOVE my race over others. my reasons have nothing to do with other races...it has everything to do with my own race. you missed my point, but most people usually do, so im not surprised. but dont even try it with some racism bs.

oh, and no i would not scream bloody murder if a white person said the same thing. because i would understand their point. if they said they love their race over others, then why would i object lol. of course they should.

i have no shame in loving my own race....
da ThRONe

@sylkifeather

"i am a black queen…and therefore i require a king…and to me, only black men are kings. so why downgrade? to me, it is a downgrade to be with less than a king, who is a black man."

If this isnt racist I dont know what is.
sylkiifeather

lmao.....

again, i was not saying one race is better than the other. i was saying i see only black men as kings. again, you misunderstood my point. and again, i am not surprised because most people usually do.

please believe when i say that if i really did feel that one race is above the other, i would ssimple ay so. im very outspoken, so i would have said it in all caps lol.

funny who its a black man doing that....but then again, that doesnt surprise me either...
sylkiifeather

yawn.............
http://www.wrenagade.blogspot.com Wren

This is a really interesting topic which has definitely effected me through out my life. I am mixed heritage and look white, and grew up in Oakland which for those who dont know is prodominantly black. I've never dated someone of my race, n also have had many conversations with people about the people we choose to be with and our identity around race. I always looked at myself as different because of many experiences where out of all my friends growing up i was the only white person. And everyone I have dated has always been of mixed race either with parents of two different obvious races or mixed heritage ex. Puerto Rican (black,spanish and native desent) I strongly agree that for an interacial relationship to fuction, be supportive, and sustain a deep love for eachother, it has to be not about race. I have never dated someone who has already dated or only dates white woman. I think that I ended up in relationships with people based on the fact that we related in our identity and had a lot in common. And that was usually an identity around mixture. In the back of my head i always know people are going to hate when they see me out with my partner. I have friends who are in same sex interacial relationships and just the fact that its two women gets stares n then you add on to it that its interacial...n its even more for a hater to hate on..

I have been in a relationship since i was young (for 7years) with someone who is bi-racial black and filipino and i have heard all sorts of comments, some from friends, but i think because to us our reltionship is about more than race it doesnt bother us. Although there are times when we already have tension in the relationship where it gets hard to have outside drama.

Even though i know to judge beyond race i see how people judge a black man with a white woman as selling out, i dont agree with it but i see why there issue and tension, if our society showed more love to sisters of a darker shayde whether in the media or music industry.. and i think the problem isnt interacial dating its that immense racism still exists towards black women in this country as well as black men in to very different ways. I think if the media had more positive images of black woman (not in a thong auction block parking lot video) and also positive images of black men (not de huminized and stereotyped as criminals) as well as be positively portrayed with black women, that would be a step closer towards progress. N would probably lead to less haterade towards black men and white women...

Whenever people dont think i am white n i am out with friends or my boy friend i notice way less mean mugs then when people think im white and the people i am with are not.

Like many commenters said this is a good basic list to start with and it can go on and on, as it is very complex.

I would ask anybody to challenge the reasons they are drawn to someone and the assumptions of what the relatioship or how they would be treated were based on before they started dating someone (especially any ideas around this and race/culture). I think the idea that men choose certain women of other races from there own because they think they will be submissive is a turn on, and one of the reasons that interacial dating is hated on.

Race however real or unreal of a genetic difference it is, is different based on culture and how we are treated in this world. Some of the comments spoke on the fact that sometimes people from a different race cannot understand your experience. No one can fully understand someones idenpendent experience but with interacial relatioships especially its important that the is some desire to understand and be empathetic, sypathetic towards the other persons perspective. Thats need even with out a difference in race in any relationship.

Especially now with people throwing around the word post-racism (which would be lovely if it were true but is obviously bullshit) people are more and more comfortable with race, and joking around, but its still important to be sensitive when talking about other peoples race. Even if your saying something good, a stereotype is a stereotype and when people are dating another race they sometims forget that. Thinking a complement with race with be recieved well. If you dont like the person for there race then dont talk to or about them to your friends like you do, like 'i like that he mexican because he speaks spanish n blah blah blah..." I think that a common mistake that people make because its complementing but its brings up issues later. I know for me with everyone ive dated they and there families have always complemented me on my hair and my eyes, and it made me wonder if thats the reason they were with me, or was that why ther family approved. Ingrained racism in the black community or anybody non white plays out with who a guy brings home especially. How many times is a lighter skinned girl with long hair told that she's the wifey type to bring home to mom. Anyway now I am rambleing but if the idea of race isnt real (like one of the commenters said) then its really just culture and looks.

No matter if your in an interacial relationship or not, hopefully your connection with the person you are in love with is deeper than there cultural identity and the way they look, otherwise it might not last...
http://nwso.net NWSO

@sylkifeather

I actually agree with Da ThRONe's assessment of that same portion of your comment as well and I rarely agree with him. I would go so far as to say you're (or sound) outright "racist" but it does appear that you're putting one race (your own) above all others. No problem with wanting a king and viewing yourself as a queen, but you make it sound like being Black alone determines ones kingliness/queenliness.

That's cool in theory, but we know not all Black men (or any race) act or deserve to be called Kings/Queens. At least not how I would define the term as you phrase it.

In a nutshell, your statement came off to me as if to say every other race of man is lesser than Black men, which comes off or can be interpreted as racist by definition. I know what you're saying that you appreciate who you are and expect greatness from your own men/race, and I don't knock you or anyone for that, but when it comes to all others being a "downgrade" it bigs up Blacks by putting down other races. Why couldn't it just be I want a Black King, just like a White woman can want a White King and an Asian woman can want an Asian King...?

If we were all suddenly stricken with world wide blindness, how would you determine your Kings and Queens without being able to view their skin color/race? It would come down to the true measure of someone's kingliness/queenliness—who they actually are and how they behave.
mizze

@sylkifeather

yes you can help it if you try and control it like you are seeming to do. THAT is NOT what I was talking about. You cant help it if you open your self up to any type of love. If you dont- then obviously you CAN control it.

Now that black king comment- i believe that you are entitled to your own opinion but as others have already pointed out, that is slightly racist. I am only saying that because what if it was turned around and a white man was saying the SAME things you were saying-- He would be labeled a racist. If he were to say that another race was beneath him or a white woman could only be a queen, we would be callin Al Sharpton!!! Thats not right.

With all the black men locked up, selling drugs, NOT going to secondary education, unemployed...C'MON..they have flaws like every other race. Most people would say with black men leading the statistics in these areas that KINGS would be the last thing on their mind. And dont get me wrong, i love black men, My man is black and I know not every single black man falls into this category. What my point is, compared to men of other races, ours is lacking so to say that the only king is a black one is kinda--- hummmm.. backwards. I think ALL women are queens and should be treated as such so just because someone is BLACK does not mean another non-black woman is not one.
BMW2K

@Dewan

My question was not confrontational, just a request for clarification. I see the point you tried to make with your metaphor, but it only strengthens what I stated. Preferring Italian food does not exclude Greek, it just states a preference.
Elle

@Da ThRONe

Europe or should I say the European Union consists of 27 countries at the moment. Each and every one of them has its own unique and very distinctive culture, traditions, mentality etc.

Besides, especially the bigger nations within the EU are attractive for people from all over the globe who want to immigrate. The UK, France, Germany all have incredibly diversified inhabitants/citizens. Every African, Asian, South American and Arabian country has its very own and in most cases large community in each of these countries.

Ergo: Lumping all of us into one big "culture" is flat out inccorect. We're all very different but we just don't make a big fucking deal out of interracial/intercultural dating.

Melting pot my butt - seriously - nothing in the US is melting together into one, big, diverse family. By "melting pot" one should be able to lump together alllll Americans and say that there are no differences between black, white, latin, asian, native american in the US. Just based on this very blog it is more than clear that such an assumption would be incorrect.
sylkiifeather

blah........

this topic is useless because black people will defend interracial dating to no end....

i simply stated my PREFERENCE for black men...which i dont understand what the problem is with that....

and i did say to each his own.....

and again, if i wanted to make a racist statement, i would have simply done so IN ALL CAPS......i am outspoken and have no problems saying anything that is on my mind. so if i felt that black people were above any other race, i would have said so....

lmao @ black people defending interracial dating....

but TO EACH HIS OWN.....
da ThRONe

@sylkifeather

Ofcourse Im going to defend interracial dating because there is nothing wrong with it. Why would I or anybody condemn somebody for something that dont effect them one bit?

As far as your preference I dont have a problem with that. I perfer black women and doubt I would ever date outside my race ,but it doesnt make a difference if I do or dont. But that's not what you said. All you had to say was "The only race Im attracted to is my own" and that would have been fine. But to start saying what another race is incapable of doing is racist and thats what you said in your comment.
da ThRONe

@Elle

I didnt mean that every European country has the say exact cultures. And that people dont migrate to Europe from different cultures. I just think that people who migrate here try harder to hold on to their culture then other places. I do think Europeans are more accepting of different cultures. I think its because people who are in their native land feels safe about their culture because it is so deeply rooted in everything from holidays to the laws of the lands so they feel less threatened by something new. In the US which tries to accommodate every culture I think people feel more threatened and thats why racism is bigger here than in other places.
Sam H.

From personal experience and through others I believe that for the most part people want to have a happy smooth relationship. With that being said "race" or ethnicity isn't as important as culture. Culture meaning the life experiences that helped mold you into the person you are. You can have a lot of similarities with a person of a different ethnicity just from living/growing up near one another. I'm pretty sure that most of everybody's friends have lived with in close proximity to you and shared either a similar trait or interest. "race" will be an issue to you only if you see yourself and define yourself by your race. If you feel that's all that encompasses you than you will only look for that in others to relate too.

historically the word race was in reference of species.. which puts us all in the same race... human beings...

*shaking my head* @ you people!
Siante

Rules my ass. You do what you do. Just be consistent when you're dating any other race.
http://twitter.com/chichilove93 chichi love

Yeah, those tips don't really help me. I don't dating within my race. I can't really survive in a relationship with a black man. Being that I'm mostly black, people look at me and my man(hispanic) wierd. We got used to it, but I think people need to be more open minded. People really act as if ithey'vs seen a car wreck or some thing when they see mee and my hispanic boyfriend. But we just like to think that they are just close minded and ill mannered to just leave us alone. We are just llike every other couple. It's natural to me to be with a hispnic man, and for him with a african american woman.
da ThRONe

@chichi love

Why cant you date within your race?
Elle

@ da ThRONe

As far as the Europe deal is concerned: got you. Agreed.

While I am not chichi love, I could tell you why I can't date guys who look like me. I do not assign myself to any race other than the human race. So which ever category I fall into by governmental standards, so be it.

Dating within one's race to me means dating somebody who - upon 1st impression - looks like you. I have never researched the topic but I am sure there are surveys which can prove the thesis that people are attracted to others who resemble themselves, their parents, siblings because we have been conditioned or socialized by our "visial habit" and therefore are attracted to what we are used to seeing.

In my case, I couldn't date within my "ethnicity or race" because I would always feel like I am kissing my brother *throws up in her mouth a little*
I don't know why but it feels soooo wrong on sooooo many levels to look at dudes who I could be related to. Knowing my whore of a father I wouldn't be surprised if I actually ran into some sort of half-brother.
Reason number 2 is that because of my dislike for my sperm donor I do not want to be reminded of him in the slightest possible way. So I look for the complete opposite in the men I am attracted to. It starts with superficial criteria such as his looks but expands into behavioral aspects like a laugh for example. It could be the tiniest detail, but if anything in a man reminds me of my "dad", he does not stand a chance.

All this together, rules out a plethora of men and more so opens me up to men of other "races" who look nothing like me or my family.
da ThRONe

@Elle

Wouldnt even know where to began there! But I think your kinda making my point. About who you date(or dont date) is a reflection of yourself. Yours is a special case though.

For the record you think to much! LOL
StillEnjoyingVacation

I think that I undertand what sylkiifeather is saying, and BTW it cannot be considered racist even by the most extreme standards. Racism has to do with national/global power and control rather than personal prefererence in reagrds to dating. If someone is not attracted to a member of another group enough to treat them in a manner befitting how they should be treated then why bother dating any persons from that group. This is not limiting yourself, it is being practical.

People make a big deal about a percieved limitation if one does not date outside their race, but why not take that argument further? If you are hetero and refuse to date beyond your sexually then you are also limiting yourself. Why should you do this? Why isn't it wrong also for a woman to say that she is straight, and not attracted to women, and therefore she will not date women?

How is there a limtation if there are 1 billion Black people globally? How many people can you date/marry at once? I wouldn't limit myself to Black people from any particular country.
da ThRONe

@StillEnjoyingVacation

Me calling her comment racist had nothing to do with her dating requirements. Example: I like big butts so I wouldnt date a flat booty chick. If all asian women have flat butts then I would never date asian chicks. But to say asian women are beneath black women because I dont date them is racist!
Anonymous

I feel like I totally relate to Songboy3 story. I have only dated black guys and I am white. I currently have a black boyfriend. I am open to all races, but I get soo much attention love from black community both men and women. I rarely ever ever get hit on by white guys. I am not sure if its because I have darker complexion and big booty or what. I am also a competitive athlete. Most black people assume I am mixed, I get asked my ethincity alot. I feel like I am attracted to black and white guys, but I am not gonna go chase a white guy down and try to pursue him lol. I am from the west coast have lived in NY and currently live in the south and am aware of the different attitudes that people feel about this topic, and definitely felt most love about dating outside my race in the west.
Anyways, Idk why this is other that maybe i possess some traits that many of them find attractive.
Elle

@ da ThRONe

LoL, I know, I know, I got issues.

Funny how others have stated that people on the westcoast are more accepting of interracial dating. This is the complete opposite of my experiences.
Shequita

Im late on this post and I was sure it would have many comments!!! LMAO @ number 8 on the list!!!

I have no problem with people having interracial relationships. If my children came home with a person of another race, I would just express that its not going to be easy! Let them see for themselves. if you see an interracial couple together for a long time...then it MUST be real love because..once again..it aint easy!! (hell just look at the comments before mine and make your assessment!!)
Simons Gordon Jr.

I had nothing against interracial dating, even I want to date outside my race one day which I will to explore what girls of another race are like, sick of black women and some bruthas get vexed when they think I'm turning my back on my own kind. If you guys keep your negativity to yourself.
DC Man With a Plan

I'm Johnnie come lately, but I'm comin all the same...lmao...There is always going to be a point of contention regarding this subject. I do not think We in this WORLD will ever fully integrate or accept persons from other ethnic groups as true equals. That is just as true in Europe, Asia and Africa as it is in the US, Central America and elsewhere. While YOU may know of a pocket here or there where "love happens" unfettered, trust, that at least 70 percent ery'where, want to keep their peeps ethnically pure. Read the news and you'll see time and time again, harassment and impatience with groups of other cultures and ethnicity. I'm all with sista's crossing over, especially since brothers have done it for generations, I just dislike when ppl use their sorry personal dating histories to characterize "all men" of a given race. Do you bcuz you wanna do you--but don't scape goat me in the process. When it's all said and done: EVERYONE deserves happiness in whatever form they obtain it.
cait

first of all, did you all hear about that judge in lousiana who refused to marry an interracial couple? he has since resigned because it caused such a backlash.
i'm a white girl who's been dating a black guy for over 5 years, and we're having a baby in may. before him i only dated white guys, but that's only because i lived in a neighbourhood that was almost exclusively white. i never thought about whether i would or would not date outside my race, it just happened naturally because of who i happened to be attracted to and because he's a great guy.
but that isn't to say that race is not an issue at all... it isn't an issue between us, but it is to some other people (including some of our extended family - our parents have been accepting). we just basically take the opinion that if someone has a problem, it's THEIR problem, because we are happy! when we told people that i'm pregnant the first thing most people said is "it's going to be the most beautiful baby!"
Anonymous

only black babies are the most beautiful babies...so i dont know where they got that from @ cait
sylkiifeather

oh that was me of course above...the racist....
http://www.shotgunlove.com Fudge

I'm still laughing at black folks CONSTANTLY referring to ALL of us as kings and queens. So basically you are saying that that they were no peasants, slaves, cooks, concubines, maids, farmers, and criminals. negro please. black love is all well and good but if you find good love ANYWHERE, be happy enjoy and stfu. lol
bogart4017

One day my babies will live to see the day when race is not an issue. Unfortunately it won't be in my time.
Pingback: THE IMPERFECT BLOG » Blog Archive » Black Men/White Women: Big Time Overstatement
Nate

I'm white, and dated a black woman for a over 4 years. Her family tried to accept it, but tried too hard and eventually showed their true colors. She was the only daughter, the first to graduate college, landed a great job, and the crown jewel of the family. It was my feeling they envisioned her with a black man that was her equal, and someone they would "relate" to better.

Her family was nice to me however, and was never unfriendly. But the racial overtones were there, they were just oh so subtle. It is too bad really, because I was in love with her, but in the end, family was more important.

It hurt me, and was a long time to recover.
Siante J

Sounds about right to me.
Tristan

I agree for the most part but to some extent I don't feel like it's unhealthy to talk about the obvious racial/cultural differences to some degree, or even to fantasize about it. My girlfriend and I are proud of our interracialness, and we talk about it all the time. To me, it's a beautiful thing!