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Why Do Men Disappear? (It’s Not You It’s Her)

Posted by NWSO • November 6, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO!

I have one of those questions that will remain a mystery but I still want the opinion of a well-rounded man in matters of the heart. LOL.

I met a really cool guy and we had a great vibe from the gate. He’s 33 and I’m 29. We talked all the time and realized that the timing and desires for a relationship between us were identical. We went out and it all came together quite nicely.

(FYI we never had sex.)

He asked me out on another date on a Tuesday for [that] Saturday and I of course I said yes. We talked to each and every day—including that morning when he called to confirm. He was really excited and kept telling me how much he was looking forward to seeing me. Then, that afternoon he didn't come.

When he finally called hours later he gave me a lame excuse as to why he didn't call (no need to go into details). I was hurt but I nicely said I would call him back (I was mad and I didn't want to go off).

I called him back later that PM and I never heard back from him. Of course my mind has gone into wild territories as to why he never called but it doesn't help the feeling of why? To make it worse on my psyche, this is like the fifth time in a row this has happened to me. They love my beauty and personality yet they leave me. So my question to you is: Why on Earth do you have a cool vibe with a man, talk all the time, go on dates and suddenly for no reason he just STOPS calling? No fights, no drama. He just walks away and you never hear from him again.

With love,
Bruised But Not Broken
(But it's still an ouchie LOL).

Peace Bruised,

Thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry to hear about your disappearing beau, but hopefully I can offer up some insight.

Because I don’t have all the details I can only speak from my own personal experience. Not to rat on myself too bad, but any time I've pulled a disappearing in was usually because of another woman.

I've been single for a minute now, so I tend to go on various dates (time, money and schedule permitting, of course) but if I really start feeling someone I back off from any other female(s). Although that might leave the other woman wondering what happened, it’s actually a way of protecting her and not leading her on.

There’s basically no reason to cut her (you) off completely if the situation doesn’t evolve into a full-fledged relationship, but if a man (or woman) feels something elsewhere sometimes he has to at least make the attempt.

For the record, this generally has nothing to do with the other female be “better” than you or anything like that. It's just that a man may have a stronger or longer connection with the other female. So rather than drag you into an emotionally unstable situation that is still unclear, the man might just back off. It’s just a way of not letting things get too messy, while he sorts things out and sees whether or not the feelings are mutual.

Now, on the other hand, sometimes life just gets hectic. Trust me, as a constant workaholic I’ve been there plenty of times. For instance, there was this girl I was hanging out with last year that I was really really feeling and things were going good.

Then, I lost my job and I had to focus on freelancing and making ends meet the best way I could, so going out on dates wasn't a realistic priority. Plus, she lived in Queens and I lived in Brooklyn so we didn't really live close by.

Back when I was working, we'd just meet in the city after work etc. Sure we spoke on IM but I’ve basically seen her three times this year. (Damn, time flies when you’re broke). At this point I think that ship has sailed. In fact, based on her FaceBook status she has a BF. LOL.

So I don't know if there's some big life altering change (career, death, family, etc.) in dude's life but that's also a possibility. But based on what you’ve laid out and personal experience, I’d guess it’s someone or something that kept him away. Other than that I'd say he wasn't really feeling you but from what you wrote it seemed like a great time was had on both sides and he actually initiated the second date.

One thing to note, you said that this happens to you often. If that's the case you have to look at the common factor—which is you. Is there a possibility that there's something you're doing or saying that makes these men back off? Maybe talking about marriage or your need to have babies on first date. I don’t know, but that’s just something to think about and consider because I'll assume you're an attractive woman and if you are there has to be some other non-physical factor that's causing this to occur more than once.

Good luck and hope that helped.

Sincerely,

NWSO

What do you guys think of this situation? Do you think another woman was the reason why this guy disappeared? Have you ever had a great first date only to have the guy/gal just disappear? Did you ever find out what happened? Would you rather have someone tell you they’re not interested or that someone else is in the picture rather than being left wondering? Do you think that there might be something Bruised is doing for men to repeatedly bounce on her? What do you think of my advice overall? What advice do you have for her?

Speak your piece…

Thembi

This is so timely because I'm in this situation right now. It hasnt happened to me much but this time Im really irked by it just because there were no issues or problems involved. I get what youre saying with the possible reasons but the part youre leaving out is why not be honest about things when whats behind it is totally reasonable? In cases where the guy is just not interested or attracted I can see pulling a disappearing act because its hard to reject another person for who they are right to their faces - its too hurtful. But to treat another person like they're disposable without addressing the situation when youve spent enough time together to establish a rapport? Its just wimpy.
Lonias

I had to be the one "backing off" to realize that not every situation merits closure. Closure is not an entitlement...

Advice for Bruised?
I agree with your advice, NWSO. I would add that perhaps Bruised should reexamine her expectations of the men she's dating. We as women can sometimes read more into a simple date than our male counterparts. Someone wrote in another forum, "Men WILL drive to their destination with or without you. You just have to make sure that his destination is where you want to go. Relationships to me are synonymous with choosing a driver."
da ThRONe

I would like to point out that the whole "Disappering Act" isnt exclusive to guys. I have had the very samething happen to me.

I agree with Ans theory. Most people are dating or atleast have interest in more than one person at a time. So the idea that a person can go from clicking with one party and end up being with a completely different party is very feasible. Most people wont tell you about the extra party simply to avoid turning the current date off.
ms.nina

People are usually insensitive to others feelings unless they've felt those feelings before... rejection for parties on either side is not easy, but a simple "I think we'd be better as friends" is all it takes. You don't have to point out the incompatibilities, but be courteous enough to not just leave the other party in suspense.

if you're the one being rejected, the suspense leads to wondering if it was something that was said, or did, and we all know sometimes every first date isn't meant to lead to a 2nd.

I treat people the way I want to be treated, so that means if I'm not feeling the first date, I won't make plans for the second unless conversations following lead me to believe there was just some first date issues.

To men and women, I say don't leave them in suspense. Be tactful and honest.
Ruby

I have actually had this situation happen to me before. Rather than just allow him to fizzle, I actually sent him an email pretty much explaining that I thought we had a great vibe, things were going really well, and then hours before our next date he blew me off and that I thought I deserved some type of explanation.

He told me that his ex-fiancee had called him that afternoon and they had gone out for coffee. I guess one thing led to another and they kissed. He explained he wasn't sure if he was getting back with her, but figured he wasn't ready to move forward with me. He didn't want to hurt me by going into the details so he figured he would just vaporize.

While I appreciate that he didn't wanna hurt me (yeah, it sucks some other woman made him realize he wasn't really that down for me) it hurt more that he didn't respect me enough to just confront me with the truth. Knowing the deal helped me move forward.

Even if it was some other reason (even something like "your butt is too dimply for me") knowing the truth and not needing to obsess over every detail of every encounter, conversation, etc., and even worse speculating on things I did or didn't do wrong, allowed me to focus my energy on just getting over him and finding someone who I can build something real with.
Elle

I think your explanation is pretty on point, NWSO. Although I find it a bit odd that he confirmed the date in the morning and by the time they were supposed to meet, he didn't show up. But after Ruby's story I can see how that may transpire.

Quite frankly, I have been guilty of disappearing on people. Before my ex-fiancé and I decided to pursue a serious relationship I was "talking" to this other guy. Nothing serious or deeply emotional, but we got along great and I could tell he liked me quite a bit. My ex simply grabbed more of my attention and I really just forgot about the other guy.
It's a bitch move though. I know this and would act differently in the future.

Personally, I am the kind of person who needs closure to be able to understand my role in a situation, accept it, learn from it and move on. So I should grant people the same thing.
BMW2K

Coming from a family of men, i would agree with the advice given. I have seen and see it happen all the time.

IMO They don't want the drama of circling back to the person they left hanging when they change course. Plus they never know if they are going to end up back at that person's door if the change of course does not work. It is a f****d way to handle it, but it seems to be the norm.

But I will admit if it has happened 5 times in a row, the writer sounds a little "too nice". Meaning the kind that attracts the guy, but not the kind they want to deal with before they are ready - too much they would be held accountable for. . . JMO.

I would say don't agonize over it. It was their loss so don't tear yourself apart because of it. Move forward.
Ketchums (SpeechIsMyHammer.com)

I'm actually doing the disappearing act to a woman right now. But my situation is probably an exception to the rule.

This woman trying to get on is married. She says her and the guy aren't romantically involved anymore since they got married when they were 19 and didn't have $ for a divorce, and for a moment, I was going to talk to her anyway. We had a couple conversations, and that was it - haven't kicked it in person yet, we had mutual friends via online. But one day, out of nowhere, I figured it was super wrong to talk to a married woman - so I decided to just stop hitting her up. She's been asking me why, but I haven't answered - partly because I feel she doesn't deserve an answer for infidelity, and partly because it's going to be a conversation that isn't worth my energy.
http://www.mythoughtsonblast.wordpress.com Monay

I must say, I'm new to this site so this is my first time ever making a comment. What a topic to make a first comment on. lol

Well I've had this happen to me once. I met a guy from online. He really wasn't my type too much but he contacted me. We met the same night, had a bite to eat & that's it.

a couple of weeks went by & I found myself being the only one who would contact him. But every time I contacted him he would say something like "I really enjoyed our date & I would like to go out again whenever you have the time".

So maybe a few more weeks went by, I called him. We were supposed to meet up at 10 he calls me at 2 in the morning. (I know red flag). I wasn't really waiting for him cause I am always up at that time. So we went out to a diner then to his house. (no sex).

After that he dropped me off & that was it. But he would always say after those dates: "it was nice hanging out with you. Let's do it again. Call me when you have the time".

my thing is, I don't know if he wanted to see just how interested in him I was, or whatever, but the only time we actually spoke is when I contacted him. So I just stopped. I'm not chasing behind a man. But he never tried to contact me & I just lost his number.

We never spoke after that. Maybe once when I called him to come fix my car but that's it. I sensed he wasn't feeling me after that final time, so I said "screw it".

So was he trying to tell me that he wasn't feeling me or was it that he wanted to leave the ball in my court? This happened months ago & I'm not really worried about it, but I figured sense we are on the topic, I can share my experience as well.
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

Men are wimps...they think we will disintegrate if they tell us they're not interested in pursuing it any further.I have no problem telling a guy I'm not interested.Dated a lot this Summer and I usually knew after 1 date if things were going to go anywhere...and 9 out of 10 didn't...and I told him so.

That's cold that he stood you up like that though.At least cancel the date or something.

The last guy I dated pulled something like this on me.We were really vibing too and said up front we weren't looking for a jump off situation.Then he just suddenly stopped calling.When I addressed him about it he said he wasn't ready for a relationship.I was kinda pissed cause the few weeks we did date he seemed to be very open to one.Like verbally saying he was.I have no clue why he back tracked but I'm glad it happened then as opposed to 6 months of me investing time and emotion into him.We resolved it though...he asked me if I still wanted to hang out...I said NO.Deleted all his info from my phone.lmao

I don't have time to waste with dudes who can't say out loud what they're feeling.Let me know what's up so I can stop wasting time on a dead end.It would save both people some time AND money.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

Ugh. Too many games. paulette-BAJAN-gal just said it all for me.

(Nothing else to say. The amount of game playing mentioned in Bruised's letter annoyed me enough to STFU. As a person of few words, that's not difficult for me to do at all.)
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

@ NWSO ...It's best to just make it clear you're dating other people so homegirl doesn't think you're being exclusive.That way if #3 turns out to be the best one for you to pursue a relationship with the others aren't hella surprised.Keeps everyone in reality.

One dude I dated just kept talking about his ex non-stop...even at one point said "let me stop talking about my ex"...and then 10 minutes later went back to the subject.I told him my schedule was getting hectic ((which it was)) and we just mutually stopped calling each other.But I also told him I was on the dating scene and was dating other people.Best to be very clear about the situation.Plus you can't really put all your eggs in one basket til you're sure the basket isn't gonna fall apart the minute you lay a "relationship" in it".3 months of dating then you evaluate if the person is relationship material.
Righteous Mama

Oh I've been here. Some times I'm the one who disappears. Then I met my match. smh.

I agree with your assessment about another woman. If it happens often it could be that these men sense this woman is not one to play with. They can probably tell that she is the committed, serious relationship type and although there might be strong attractions, that scares off the ones who aren't ready. A lot of times after people figure out who they want and what they want, or when life (career, finances, etc) ease up, they come back. Sometimes it's too late.

I think people have the right to figure out where they want to be in life. But the adult thing to do is have an honest conversation about it. I can't stand being dangled on a string while a man explores and keeps his options open and I try not to do it to others. But I have done this too.

When the man calls back, and he WILL for sure...she should remind him that honesty is always the best policy and if he is humble and sincere, CONSIDER if it's worth it to give him another shot. Forgiveness is beautiful. But she can always forgive and keep it movin too.
da ThRONe

@paulette (Hi Baby )

Once again this isnt gender related this is EOP- Equal Opportunity Pain. And to your point sometimes you to put your feet in the water to realize you dont like the temperature. Maybe he thought he could handle you and/or a relationship then changed his mind?

@Monay

Your case sounds like he just had lukewarm feelings and was saying the polite thing. Not to mention you spoke of weeks going by. Sometimes for people to move on (especially early in the dating phase) it only takes hours.

People think about themselves when they should and even when they shouldnt. Like paulette said be thinkful of the time and effort saved.
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

@ Da Throne ((:-) )) I miss you.lol

I was surprised actually because the line of communication were really open...we were really on point with expressing our feelings and enjoyed the same things.he has the right to change his mind.Just the way he did it wasn't very mature.Like in the Bruised But Not Broken case but I definitely reached out to talk before I jumped to too many conclusions.he said he was ready for a relationship and I accepted it.Next.
moonstarz

I currently have a guy who disappears, but he always resurfaces.

I've considered the points NWSO mentioned about another woman and being busy.

This has been going on so long that it doesn't even matter anymore.

He called on Sunday. I have not returned his call. I think he's calling for the same reason other throwbacks are reaching out, it's cold and folks wanna lay up.
Mz. Ashley

I agree with NWSO. I think these men are single and start to catch stronger feelings with another female they may have been going on dates with. Yes I have had a first and second date and the guy disappeared…but the feelings was mutual, I wasn’t really feeling him either. I usually can read people pretty good and if they are not feeling me, then I wont even waste my time to try and chase them down. From the way BRUISED was talking, it seems like she is doing something wrong, or either she is picking the wrong guys. She said this happens to her a lot so obviously something is not right. She needs to be picky about who she choose to go out with, and not just bounce on whatever seems interested in her. Play a little hard to get, but not too hard…..just don’t look desperate!
da ThRONe

And to anybody who would listen I would propose that you change your dating strategies. I would say always go into every dating situation like your hanging out with a friend and not a potential mate. Here's why.

1-"Pressure bust pipes"
The friend approach cuts down on the pressure by lowering expectations.

2-"Getting to the nitty gitty"
It allows people to be themselves earlier in the dating process as opposed to that long draw out period of dealing with a person "Representative".

3-"Friend in Girlfriend/Boyfriend"
If you guys cant maintain a friendship what makes you think that you can maintain anything deeper?

4-"Feeling saved is feeling earned"
At the end of the day the less emotion you invest the easier it is to let something go.

Its more of a mindset change than anything. You should just focus on enjoying each others company for that night. When you meet somebody you express to them your philosophy. So they understand that just because your not all over them it doesnt mean sparks arent there or it cant quickly mature to something more. Its like a drug addict one outting at a time. As friends you can establish the same amount of emotional connection as daters.

If you guys are meant to be then it will play itself out. If not it will cut down on alot of awkward moments. And its alot easier to know where you stand with a "friend" type than a "date" type.

I havent dated much but the few times I have "the friend" approach has allowed me to gain so much more insite to the person I was hanging with. And although none have worked out I can say for sure that it just wasnt in the cards for us as opposed to thinking whatever happened with so and so.

I hope my life experience can help somebody else. God knows its not helping me! LOL.(because Im not dating not because it doesnt work)
Mshollywood

great advice NWSO lol
Lady

No one seems to be addressing the fact that this has happened to her 5 times IN A ROW. One or two disappearing in a row, you can say it was probably something going on with that person. However, 3 or more disappearing means there is something going on with you.

Bruised but not Broken needs to take a step back and analyze what exactly it is she is doing that may be causing the men to suddenly disappear. Men and women disappear but if 5 have disappear IN A ROW, then its time to look in the mirror.

I'm not saying the men were not at fault. More than likely, they were immature, unavailable or just wanted sex. Nevertheless, either she is choosing the wrong men, setting her expectations too high too soon or she is doing something to run them off.

Just my two cents
Mshollywood

@ da throne... I agree 100000000% with #3....
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

@ Da throne...I totally agree with you.

@ Lady...5 in a row is not surprising.Dudes in New York City roll like that.It's very rare to meet a man that's up front and honest. I'm guessing she wasn't putting out as fast as they wanted.Happens to me all the time...I don't date everyone I give my number to but after one or 2 dates most dudes want the p*ssy and if he doesn't get it...he's out.I'm betting he was "holding out" longer because she's a hottie or something.I'm waiting to hear what she has to say on the topic.

Most guys are sheisty like that.At least the ones I encounter on the East Coast...ain't no way to sugar coat it.
da ThRONe

@LAdy

1st I think we all can take steps back and reassess. However people that are about games prey on people they think their game will work on. Like somebody else pointed out maybe she is direct enough to scare them off?

I dont think you can say her approach is off just because the consecutive number of guys. It could happen to anybody.
Ozymandias

I've done the disapearign act, and have had it happen to me. Que sera-sera.

@ BMW2k- I think her being nice is not a contributing factor. This is nyc, and let's face it, women act like straight bitches out here. I am not speaking from animosity (a little apathy is allowable), it's simply the truth. If you are a nice girl, STAY NICE. I've seen plenty of sweet, considerate women get corrupted by this nyc "don't be nice" mentality, when in fact it's just poison that will make more dudes stay away. OVERLY nice is always scary, but she should be looking at dudes who may be declining her gestures for signs that this so-called niceness may be an issue.

@paulette-BAJAN-gal - You sound like the woman I both love and loathe at the same time- "hard, straight no chaser." I tend to meet women randomly, and truly appreciate it when I'm told that they are just not interested- no more time wasted. May scratch the ego a little, but hey, I'm from BK, whatver works baby, I'll catch the next bus. My issue with how your approach sounds is that there is a very thin line between being honest and insensitive. There's many instances where that brutal honesty just make you look like the one who has a chip on your shoulder. I've met many a woman who reveled in the 'power' of turning dudes down, and it's usually because they have been on the other side of the fence too many times for thier liking. As well, after you start getting more aquatinted with someone, it's highly unlikely someone is going to tell u why they are not around anymore unless it is specifically asked about.

One day I saw this young lady that I found attractive, so I stepped to her, exchanged niceties, then numbers. She was a true sweetheart, and we decided to go out. It was a wonderful date, south street seaport/waterfront, then dinner, good convo. BUT...something caught me the wrong way, and whatever it was, it was a instant death token. She on the other hand was completely enamored with me. Pleasant as it was, it no longer made a difference. As her train came, she was open for a kiss, but I decided on the respectful hug- no need to compound the oncoming hurt. She called later in the night saying how great a date it was, yadda yadda. Message erased. Then a call several days later, leaves a message. Then one last one, no message. I just couldn't do it. She was too sweet. I decided that I would rather her wonder what happened, then know that I just didnt' want to deal with her. I'm not in the business of smashing a sweet girls ego/feelings, simply because there's just not enough of them out there. And no, I don't consider it a bitch move.

I think that if it happens to you 5 times in a row, and you are supposedly attractive and great personality and all that, well...maybe thats not the case at all, sorry to say. It's time for this young lady to look in the mirror. What's problematic for her gauging the situation is that the situation NWSO mentioned could have played a part in every single one. It can also be a case of just bad luck or how women like to say, bad "timing". Only advice i would give her is to pay attention to what happens next time, and analyze/compare it to the last five (man, that does sound bad, ouch). If it keeps up, it's most certainly YOU.

Que Sera, Sera
mizze

I actually agree with both sides. I agree with @Lady when she says that there is something wrong with 5 men in a row just backing off her. I mean, I understand that men are like that and all but there ARE still good men out there that are looking for more than a casual fling. Either she has found NONE of that or she really does need to step back and look at herself.

No one is going to tell the WHOLE story meaning not everyone is going to be completely honest on what they said or did or anything revolving around that. By this I mean that most people are not going to tell everything so we are just basing everything off what this woman is saying and telling us or him.

To me, to group all men as only wanting one thing or all of them play games is wrong even though a lot of them do. But women do the same as well. Im sorry but if someone has been married 6 times (lets say a man) the common denominator is that man who MARRIED those 6 women. Are you going to keep looking at the women crazy or HIM? Who would be the most likely cause that things did not work out, you know?

Im not saying this is the case with everybody or commentors like da throne or paulette are wrong because I do agree with them, but to sum it up as it just being the way guys are is a bit too easy for me to just say that is why.
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

@ Ozymandias...I'm 33 years old...grown.Dudes step to me with so much game I'm actually amazed how similar most men are.Like they're reading a manual or something.In New York City I feel like I'm dating the same dude in a different body.No joke.

I'm honest...what other way is there to be?? Just like you felt something was missing with that lady...when i get that...I listen to it.I am in no way desperate for a man...so if there's something that feels off to me i will not pursue getting to know someone any further.Just like you did but I will actually have a conversation with the person to let them know I'm not interested.We still stay in contact but just not to pursue a relationship.

I'll be the one to say...I'm summing it up as the way most guys are.
Ego

I think she just hasn't meet the one for her. I don't think its her or them. Someone will come along and he'll def stay with you no matter what. In the meantime, take care of yourself, enjoy your life and be thankful for who you are and what you have......

btw... good advice Mr. NWSO!
Rastaman

My first serious adult intimate relationship lasted 5 years and after it ended, I never assumed I would have gone on so many dates and met so many different women. Over the last 10 years I have dated enough times and enough different women to accumulate enough experiences for a few books.

The one thing I learned is all is fair in love and war. I say that because folks will pretty much excuse any type of behavior in pursuit of their romantic goals. Both men and women are guilty of that and trying to make it gender speciific does nothing for anyone concerned.

Most people only find this behavior negative when it is done to them, otherwise it is all in the game. Men disappear, women disappear. If you are casually dating someone without any commitment, implied or stated and they disappear without good reason. They obviously did you a favor.

If you got that much invested in casual relationships then you should take a step back and re-asses yourself. I had a woman call me and curse me out once because I did not call her at the time I said I would and we had only been on one date. That was a WTF moment.

Other people are not responsible for your feelings. It gives no one license to purposely mistreat anyone else but part of being a grown up is to not cry everytime something does not go the way you want it to. There is a certain unpredictability built into life and sometimes we just have to learn to roll with the punches. That is just what grown ups do.

It is not what happens to us that defines us but how we react to what has happened.

My advice to letter writer is "grow a pair!!"
J Will

This happened to me recently after 2 yrs of being with this man. I didn't hear from him for a month so I got the message. Things had been fizzling for a month or so. I ran into him a week ago. I said hello and kept stepping.....No hard feelings....People enter your life for a season or a reason. He helped me through some difficult times & his season has passed. I sent him an email wishing him the best & I meant it!
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

I agree Rastaman.I'm actually quite content being single so when I date I am not desperately searching for a husband.That's why I like to be honest because we have nothing to lose since it's just a date.God forbid we wait 3 months later to really talk about how we really feel.

I say enjoy the moment...too many people send their "rep" and then shit hits the fan later.Be yourself...not everyone you meet is compatible anyways.I've dated a lot too over the last 3 years and I've met guys that turned out to be good friends as opposed to be a good mate.You gotta make the distinction.

I never invest my heart in someone I went on a few dates with...you can't really get to know someone that well in such a short space of time.
Elle

Should I ever have the slightest doubt about why I hate dating and consider doing it again, all I have to do is read about your experiences.

Eh.
ArtistActivist

I think Bruised is the source of her own melodrama. The guys are somewhat complicit in the f'd up nature of the problem by disappearing with no explanation (hey, I've done it too) BUT it's obvious that Bruised needs some serious introspection. She should at least have some honest conversations with her platonic guy friends. And it doesn't simply have to be because the woman is not "giving it up" easily as some have theorized; access to "sex in the city" is usually just a phone call away.

If she's truly fine, Bruised is either the absolute worst at picking dudes or is consistently displaying the things men consider "red alerts" on a 1st date: i.e., talking about her friends' weddings/how much ish she has (implying how much ish her man should have)/how she wants to have a baby/being self-deprecating/being too talkative, judgmental/or just being plain weird/etc. I can all but guarantee that her root issue is somewhere in those options.
Why

Paulettee- Bajan-Gal. YOU ARE DA TRUTH!! lol I'm from NY but relocated to Atlanta about 3 years ago and I swear that men attend some type of training or seminar that advises them how to act, what excuses to use, etc. It's like they are reading out of a book. Most of them are alike just different bodies. lol
If a man/woman is not feeling their date, the respectful thing to do is to tell them. Even if dating doesn't lead to a relationship, it can lead to a really great friendship and honesty is key in a friendship.
Full of Fire

This happened to me like almost 3 years ago(im in a relationship now)on Christmas Eve...After a night of partying me and my friends stopped to get some late night eats and i ended up talking to this guy and we exchanged numbers...This guy called me like 10 min after I left and was like I just wanted to make sure you gave me the right number...so anyway we lived like 45 min away from each other but he would call me like everyday and we would talk...he called me on Christmas to wish me a Merry Christmas and talk about how my day was and ish and I was all like o.k... we talked for another 2 weeks regularly and the last time we talked he told me that 'it felt too right'..he said 'i was too good to be true' that 'we clicked so effortlessly it scared him'... I was like o.k... and so he didnt call back after that night... he called back like a month later and left a msg asking how I was doing and saying he was just checking on me and he had really been thinking about me...sadly the feeling wasn't mutual...mehh..moving on...

In the one instance the writer described it seems to me that this guy was in a committed relationship or married... the fact that he confirmed the date in the morning and by the evening all he could give was a flimsy excuse sounds like he thought he was going to be able to get away for a few hours and then his significant other cancelled her plans or wouldn't let him out...it happens...and he probably really liked her but when his SO found her number in his phone he was probably like it would be easier to never have to talk to her again than continue to lie to his SO everytime his phone rang and it was her...not sure about the other dudes who did this but coming from my perspective thats what could have mighta possibly probably happened...if this keeps happening maybe you should just make sure you're not always picking the guys that are involved...
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

I'm just saying...guys have expectations that usually involve payback for the dinner/movie...like right after the 1st or 2nd date.So 3 weeks in most guys don't wanna hear anything but "you coming over?"

It's great to think most men are not like that...but it's not reality.They are good men out here but they are in the minority.

It's like the McDonald's drive thru...homeboy wants his burger in 2 minutes.lmao.And if you deny him his burger he's driving over to White Castle.

Bye bye...don't let that burger get stuck now.
Righteous Mama

After re-reading her letter, Bruised said that the two of them talked on numerous occasions, they agreed that their desire for a relationship was identical and they had a great first date. So good, that they guy asked her out for a second. Soooo, I dunno. Maybe homeboy realized his bank account was the low side, had to cancel and felt like a jerk for doing so. Who knows what the hell happened there. I just hope homegirl doesn't spend too much time stressing about it. Her time would be much better spent connecting with her passion and purpose in life. The rest comes when it is supposed to. I can't ever recall a time I got bent outta shape over someone I barely had two dates with.
BMW2K

@ Ozymandias - I don't think this is restricted to New York, but if men there constantly do this then that might explain why the women are "straight up bitches". Just a thought.

But I do get your point about the "kiss of death". I guess what I don't understand is why you would totally write her off. If the the two of you got along, why not continue the friendship? Sorry, no love match but we can still be friends. . . Just curious as to that response versus continuing the friendship. But maybe that is one of the differences between men and women. We can be friends even if there is no love match. OK - well at least I can. I guess I can't speak for the ENTIRE gender.

@ DaThrone - I totally agree with the friend thing. I think too much emphasis is put on a date - building castles in the sky and crap. Just go out and have fun!

@ Righteous Mama - "I can’t ever recall a time I got bent outta shape over someone I barely had two dates with." Amen!
DragonFly

WOW. This post is right on time for me. I just had this happen like this week and it was so weird to me because the guy was acting extremely pressed to get to know me and such and then...poof...after a really cool date and plenty of follow-up calls. Now, I haven't heard from him in like a week. All my girls had their theories and such (his girl found your number, he just wanted sex and you weren't giving the booty call vibe, etc) but this post and all of the comments shed plenty of light.

I've been in a looooong term relationship so I haven't dated much and I'm not used to the "games" that folks play, so I don't really engage. I guess I gotta get with it if I'm gonna be "out there". Interesting...

On another note, am I the only woman in the world that's slightly offended by men who refer to women as "females" constantly? Probably. It just seems like odd terminology to me. It doesn't differentiate us from other species enough (dogs, cats, elephants, fish = female. Human = woman. lol)? Not derogatory, just sort of...odd.

(No, this didn't come up on the date.)
Ozymandius

@BMWK

Lol, if the scene were only so simple. Too much posturing going on up here in NYC. Dudes are way too aggressive, matched against combative women in full armor-plating; it' s more akin to a battle of wills then anything. Stay away, stay faaaarrrr away.

As far as just being friends with her, that's not a route that I typically take. I wrote her off because my motivation was gone. When I approach a woman on the "me & you" tip, then "friend" is the last thing I want to hear- it damn near becomes a cuss word. There was no friendship to begin with. Not that it can't happen, but I just keep that stuff at bay. Keeps the confusion to a minimum.

So depending on the circumstances, it can play out several ways:

A) I met lady a few weeks back at a club(i was drunk, didnt even rememeber it, lolz) and we agreed to go get some tea(she was asian). Turns out that she wasn't what i was looking for at all, and there was no spark. We left off on a cool hug, and we both knew this was going nowhere. No big deal. Number erased, kept it moving. Friend potential? Not a chance.

B) I met this lady one day- and she was awesome. We clicked instantly. We stood talking in the street for 20 minutes. Nice. Then we get on the phone, we setting up to go out an stuff. Similar interests, everything....then....ugh. She starts chatting about how she's independent, she's dating x amount of dudes, aint looking to be locked down, yadda yadda. Oh, and if dudes dont like what she saying , she'll take the free meal (she really said that, to my amazement). My head exploded. Kiss of Death™. I never tried to even get together, even with her inquiring about it. HOWEVER...she is on my facebook, and i guess she is a friend-ish. So it can happen. I throw a hello at her every now and then.

I have my own particular style...I don't "date". I pick someone I would like to get to know, and I try to have them focus all thier attention this way. If she is dating several dudes, either put that on break, or forget about me...i dont make myself an option to anyone. That's just the way I work when I'm feeling someone, I'm not into sharing- I'ma greedy dude, and I don't favor "distractions" from what I have to offer.

Oh, and i still think that Bruised is somehow damaged goods. Blame the victim. Shame
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

What do you mean by "damaged goods"??...sounds like you're in the same boat as her.Actually single New Yorkers are rowing the same damn boat.lmao

We are all "independent" and don't need anyone yet we date somebody different every other week.

Ozymandius you sound like the male version of me.lmao.I hope you're not a Leo male.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

DragonFly wrote on November 6th, 2009

On another note, am I the only woman in the world that's slightly offended by men who refer to women as "females" constantly?
____________________

Not only does it offend me, I HATE it too. I hate it when men AND women say it. The air of indignation, self-righteousness, and plain old HATE that emanates from their mouths when they say it..... :-/

Back on topic.....
Ozymandius

@ paulette

lolz, how does that put me in the same boat as her? I haven't written in to NWSO (yet!!).

Just a straight shooting Saggi over here:) Peas in a pod? Maybe so.
da ThRONe

@Dragonfly and Spinster

You guys serious? First you should be glad we dont just throw around the word woman all willie nillie! Just because your of age and have a vagina doesnt make you a woman like wise just because you have a penis and your of age dont make you a man. Female and male are neutual words and it fixs all parties involved.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

ThRONe.....

Let's take this outside.
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

@ Da Throne...are you still on Myspace??click on my name and friend request me if you are.

@ Ozy poo...Leo and Sagg are supposed to be an astrological match made in heaven.lmao.Maybe we'll write and thank NWSO for hooking us up

Actually...highly unlikely..we prob know each other already or somebody that knows somebody that knows both of us.lol.

I'm not offended by the word female...isn't that what we are??
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Monay

At this point I hope you see the futility of even devoting energy to that dude. Any relationship—platonic or romantic—is a 2-way street, where both people have to put something in to it effort wise.

As a general rule, it;s good to sometimes stop and see if the people you call friends etc actually uphold their part of the deal.

Be glad dude is out the picture
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Pauletter

Regarding your earlier comment to me... I'm a pretty straight shooter so id I'm dating it's known. I'm not gonna give a blow by blow recap of my date with the next check with you but it's pretty known from jump if it's a multi-dating arena.

In my advice, I was basically trying to convey idea of a guy disappearing as opposed to making a statement because although he's feeling someone else it hasn't been made an exclusive situation, so he may be devoting energy towards someone else in HOPES of something solid. But if that never happens there may not be a reason to him to address the previous chick until there is something official to report.

BUT there are guys that are just chicken shit and just hide away
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Dragonfly & Spinster

Seriously?!?!

As a writer I was always taught to avoid repetition so saying woman a million times is a bit much so to switch things up I throw in female every once in a while. I have no idea where y'all get the "weird" and "offended" vibe from the word female.

Actually to me as a MALE i find it a proper term designation. I mean, women are females and men are males. So pretty interchangeable in my book.

I can understand a woman/female being offended by terms like "chick" "shorty" etc (if she wants to be a stick in the mud) but "female???" Sorry, don't see it.

As much as people want to see ourselves as different from animals we are animals. The only difference is we are conscious, but we're not above being labeled males and females. It's what we are, unless you're a hermaphrodite. But if scientific terms like male and female are offensive, what's next homo sapiens, humans, people, folks, ??

SMH

Just two cents from a MALE
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

It's best to go on a date to have fun...if it meanders into something meaningful it's a plus but the main goal should be to have a good time.I've been asked out a lot this year and half I said no to because I knew dude wasn't my type...most of the dates I went on dudes were playing games ((not basketball or football...like straight up dude was expecting sex on the 2nd "date" type ish))...some were pretty nice and we became friends.I didn't connect with anyone I could move forward with.But I enjoyed myself.

I'm over the dating scene in NYC...somebody gotta hook me up with his/her cousin's brother or college classmate or something.lol.Or I'll wait til I move out of state.
Sunshine

I think Ans was right on the money with this one. But I don't see anything wrong with telling man you are dating what it is you expect out of him from the gate. Now I am not saying express your desire to get married and have babies, that scares off both men and women most times. But I am saying be honest and let them know that you expect to be treated with respect and honesty. There is nothing wrong with letting a guy know in a classy way, you are not a booty call or a jump off. I believe in being upfront and honest so that we don't waste each others time. If they pull a disappearing act after that then I look at it as weeding and seeding the good from the bad. Whether he was feeling someone else or my expectations were too high, and he disappeared, his loss and another man's gain.
YoungJay

@ Da Throne

This is prob the first time I've ever said this but....I agree 1000% percent with your advice list lol. Simple rules to apply to dating that actually work.

@ The NYC Men Bashers

Think about all the times you had a good NYC man when you were younger and played him for a ''Bad Boy''. Now realize every guy ain't the same and you get the kinda guy you allow in your life. Certain girls never get the BS game because from the beginning they demand more, maybe you'll scare some off but a real man appreciates your standards even if they don't verbalize it.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Spinster

Nope, don't get it there's no "air of indignation, self-righteousness, and plain old HATE" when I say/write female.

Everyone has their own pet peeves, like a lot of women hate when I call them "Miss" when I see it as being respectful not calling her "old". I also say ma'am and sir sometimes too, same reason, same misconstrued reactions
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

NWSO - And I quote myself:

"...The air of indignation, self-righteousness, and plain old HATE that emanates from their mouths when they say it….. :-/ "

If you don't get what I mean, then I don't know what else to say.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

Maybe YOU don't say it that way, but Dragonfly knows what I'm talking about.

Eh, I'm gonna stop wasting my cyber-breath. Back on topic.
da ThRONe

People complaining about the usage of the word female then wonder why people disapper after one date. LOL!

The whole angry feminist thing isnt attractive at all.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

Guess you don't get either ThRONe. And WTH are you talking about, "angry feminist thing"?

You know what they say about making assumptions.

Fuck it, why bother. Back on topic.
da ThRONe

@Spinster

I wasnt calling anybody an angry feminist ,but I can assure you thats the vibe you give off when you choose to find disrespect in being called something that you are.

And arent you guys the ones assuming that males using the word female has an “air of indignation, self-righteousness, and plain old HATE”?

Let the church say AMEN!
http://sweetnectar2480.blogspot.com Sweet Nectar

Thank you for this piece. I too have been experincing this same dilemma. I appreciate you shedding some light on this situation. I recently had a date with someone who seemed eager to see me and when it came time to go out he never called or showed up. I was shocked he suggested we go out. But I am a firm believer in fact not ficition. Fantasies do not fuel my thoughts truth does.
Elle

LoL@ the "vocabulary issue"

Ladies, seriously?

Personally, I see nothing wrong with "female". I am a female human, no?
I don't care what people call me. Feel free to call me any name under the sun. I know who and what I am so labels are of no concern for me.
http://thoughtsof100k.blogspot.com/ 100K

Speaking from experience, I've been on both ends. Usually with the girl it was because of some dude...on my end it's usually because I KNEW I'd be bored (short attention span) or I'd be paying for a date with a girl I didnt feel warranted my time/money. #sue me

Now I dont even bother. I just tend to "fade to black". I dont owe anyone anything until I'm committed but if i have a legit reason for not coming to a date i set up, i let em know a while in advance as a respect for their time. simply because i'd want the same done to me.

Plus...absence makes the heart grow fonder
Gethsemia

I agree with your advice nwso.
DragonFly

@Spinster - of course I feel you.

@Elle - that's what I mean. You say "call me any name under the sun". I don't feel that way because words have power.

@NWSO - There are so many men that use this term in everyday conversation as the only way to refer to women, not as a means of avoiding repetition:).

@Throne - We're talking about women in general, not those you know. So why assume she's not a woman and, therefore, may not deserve to be called one?

To me, it seems that sometimes, men and women (as Spinster pointed out) use the word female because they don't want to use a more respectful term like woman, lady, etc. and they are putting effort into not using a disrespectful one. I rarely hear women refer to men as "males".

In the end, I guess what I meant was that my friends and I don't refer to each other or ourselves as "females" and when a woman calls another a "female" it usually has a negative connotation. You don't hear a woman say "wow, what a beautiful female" as opposed to "wow, she's a beautiful woman" but you will hear things like "see, that's why I don't hang with females" and I think there's a reason for that.

It's not the most disrespectful term (of course there's worse) but it's not the best either. Like I said, it's nothing serious but it strikes me.
DragonFly

Oh and @Throne, I believe an "angry feminist" would dislike the terms lady or miss or even ma'am (none of which bother me) more than female, as those terms have different implications. I'm not a "bra-burner", I'm just a woman.
da ThRONe

@DragonFly

You are making something out of nothing. And to my point if you did that on a date with me(im not saying that you would) I would see this as a red flag and probably not wanna kick it with you anymore.

Not trying to be an smartass just give some advice. Are you that jaded you have to find fault in a term that is 100% accurate?

And to your comment. Why assume anything. Why not call her a bitch because most females I meet are so odds are she would be also? The assuming thing go both ways.

If you choose not to call males male that is your choice.
DC Man With a Plan

lmao......Y'all real cute with this one. This thread is like being the president: helps you realize you can NEVER please everyone, no matter the intention or your commitment to reaching out. Female and the "N" word among other things have been used in a derogatory manner, but you still find ppl lining up on either side of a discussion about them; Jay-Z told Oprah the "N" word was a'ight; he's got big bank, but so does she. Is that issue settled? I think not, so the women who don't like the use of the term female, tell your man and friends, but up in here, let it go after you make your initial comment. U are unlikely to change anyone’s opinion in here, bcuz it ain't that serious. I'm in full agreement with NWSO's comments to bruised, but I also totally think Rastaman hit it outta the park with his reply. Paula also added some interesting thoughts, though the whole "beatin up on the east coast man” was a little overboard. New Yorkers ALWAYs complaining about this, that or the other, but ask them to move out of the city to a "better life" and you'll have to kidnap them bcuz they ain't goin anywhere. Still, it's good to hear your voice again, sweetie.
http://www.myspace.com/paulettebajangal paulette-BAJAN-gal

lmao @ DC Man With a Plan...I have a GREAT life in NYC.Who needs a man to be happy anyways? It's a great thing when you find an awesome mate but in the meantime...LIVE.

I agree..Rastaman said it best.
Ginger

Well ive had this disapearing act happen now 6 times same guy - 9 mths of on off dating - YES i know i sound stupid - yes i date other men but I like him He knows it and We both have real busy jobs - lead busy lives - I just got over him and went 2 mths no contact he tryed i just didnt answer /got serious with another guy and i woke up was screaming inside i missed him - Then he texted me that Day Relief and lust Im assuming - We went 3 weeks this time and He did a new tactic this time - Was so loving and promissed he wasnt going anywhere I tryed to belive him Now hes gone again been 1 week - i cant shake it this time -i know i dumped the other guy the way he dumpted me - I just dont know if i should confront this or let it go He will be back this i know his pattern- Im just to hurt this time to return to dating he likes when im fragile and in turmoil yet missing him ..I just love him now what. pleas i dnt need to hear how stupid i am ok / Im blonde big tits and exstreamly attractive and med -small built I Just have no control when it comes to Rocko -
Anonymous

@ginger, enough of the disappearing act.. it lyk ya'll are playing hide and seek.. you need to forget him and move on with your life because its obvious rocko is taking you for a ride.
http://yahoo.com Anonymous

The disappearing male syndrome happened to me 5 weeks ago, after the third date. It's impossible to psych out a man's strange behavior. In this case, if it should help anyone, I found out from a psychologist he had the symptoms of dissociative identity disorder, probably panicked, and "switched." I played it honest and told him he was after money, after his many lies and future plans, fixing my air conditioner, etc., never materialized. So his cover was blown and he was surprised his deception was so transparent. He said his life was stressful and he lives one day at a time (while out the door), promising to be back in 10 minutes with wine. I will never endure the humiliation of those minutes again. Brutish men have no sense of courtesy or accountability to a woman. He was definitely attractive, but without honor, what is a man? Sadly for him and the other 1% of the population, it was a rarity for me to recognize his problem and he'll probably never get help. Move on, they all lie...who're they gonna get?
D. Smith

Why is it when a guy leaves one woman for another, he will turn around and treat the last one bad? Is it to make his new girlfriend happy or what?
Tejan

Years and years ago, when I was more shy in relationships, I would actually back off because I was afraid of getting hurt. I had been hurt before and was a bit timid when approaching other woman. I am kicking myself because once I met this really cool woman, who was really beautiful. She was 32, I think, but was petite, so petite she looked like she was 16 and in shape. The sexist woman I have ever seen. And she was really into me. And I froze. I never called her back. And I have been regretting it ever since. The mind of a 30 year old, the body of a 16 year old, and a heart like mother Teresa. And I passed that up since I was afraid. Luckily I have gotten over that level of shyness, but you can't rule that out as a factor as well.
Tejan

And the ironic thing is now I am dating a woman with a body of a 30 year old and a mind of a 16 year old. The lady I passed up because I was afraid was a much better deal. LOL