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We Broke Up But Still Live Together (Can Ex's Cohabitate?)

Posted by NWSO • November 17, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I’m 19 and my relationship is currently on hold. I know I'm young but I need some advice. My boyfriend is 21 and we’ve been together for five years on and off. We first hooked up in high school.

I moved to Cali for two years and we separated but he later came to visit and told me he wanted to be with me and we can make it work long distance. So last year we decided to move in together. We grew to know each other really well. We have had a couple bumps and I would get mad and slam doors, yell, etc. so one day we got in an argument and I left to cool down. When I came back a couple hours later he said he couldn't deal with me.

A couple days went by and he went about his business, ignoring me and acting like I wasn't even there. So one morning I asked him did he wanna be with me. He said, “I love you, trust I do, but I don't know if I wanna be with you anymore.” That was four months ago but we still live together—we sleep in different beds and got different rooms.

When he goes out—other than work or school—he takes me with him. He’s all lovin’ and it’s like we’re together but in reality we are not. If someone where to ask him he'd say that he is single but we just live together.

We have sex sometimes—not a lot like when we where together, due to our crazy schedules. He acts and shows me he wants to be with me but when I ask he always says that he isn't sure. I still wanna be with him so that's why I haven't moved. I don't know if maybe I'm wasting my time. I’m in dire need of some advice. Please help.

Ms. Confused.

Peace sis,

First and foremost, if you really want to be with this man, or at least make him come to some clear decision if he wants to be with you, you have to leave him. Or at least that damn house. I'm not usually in agreeance with the old adage that says, "Why would a man buy the cow if he can have the milk for free?" But that's exactly what's going on here.

Based on what you’ve laid out in your letter, everything works in his favor. He pays half the rent. He gets some live-in booty every once in a while. He gets your emotional company when y'all go out—basically cock blocking you from meeting other dudes in the process. And he gets to be "single" so he can screw whomever he wants when he wants with no hassle from you. Shoot, I'd be "unsure" about getting back together as well if I had such a sweet deal. (I'm joking but you know what I mean).

Basically, y'all broke up but not really. Now if you said y'all were operating like normal roommates and he did him and you did you—went on dates with other people, did not have sex, etc—I'd say, Okay, y'all handled it like mature adults and were real friends. But right now you're both playing games. Him more than you because I see you being the one hurt at the end of this whole thing.

I don't know your financial situation but moving out—even temporarily would force his hand to make a decision. He'd either realize that he truly misses you (because you'd actually be gone) or he'd truly enjoy his freedom of being single and you would no longer have any grey area and could both move on. I know that might seem drastic, but it don't sound like homeboy is in any rush to make a decision and really doesn't have to because you haven’t gone anywhere.

At the end of the day, if a man has no fear of losing you he's less likely to do what needs to be done to keep you. That's how you end up being neglected, because he's like I can do whatever I want and this chick won't even leave. She talks the talks but I know she'll take me back so fuck it.

Now, if you can't move out or don't even want to that's on you. At least try staying somewhere else for a week or two to see how he reacts. But most importantly stop having sex with him. That just adds more emotional fuel to the fire because I'm sure it makes you feel like he's acting like he wants to be together, but at the end of the day a woman should always listen to what a man actually says not what she thinks his actions say.

Trust me, men are upfront and honest about what they want and what their intentions are if you just take the time out to listen and don't let your (mis)interpretations of a man’s actions get in the way. No matter what he does he'll always fall back and say, “But I told you yada, yada, yada." You know what? He'll be completely right. He told you he didn't want to be together anymore but you just didn't listen.

I actually blogged about this phenomenon a while ago in a post called “Don’t Listen to Her, Listen to Him.” Click that link and read that entry as I think it’ll help put things into better perspective for you. Aside from that, try your best to change your living arrangements and please stop having sex with that man until you guys have a clear understanding of where your relationship stands.

Good luck and I hope that helped.

What did you think of my advice for Ms. Confused? Do you think she needs to move out to get some clarity on her “relationship?” Do you feel that exes can successfully live together without the lines getting blurred or is that just asking for trouble? Is Ms. Confused’s ex playing games with her emotions by taking her with him when he goes out? Is 19 too young to be living with someone or does it depend on the individuals? Do you think she’s setting herself up to get hurt? What do you think Ms. Confused needs to do?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: breakup, convenient, live-in, moving out, recession, roommates, Sex, shacking up

Skye Blue

Loved the advice you gave.

I think you are dead on about her needing to move out and to stop sleeping with her pseudo-ex man. I especially liked the part where you said, 'if a man has no fear of losing you he’s less likely to do what needs to be done to keep you.' That is so true and if Ms. Confused chooses to stay despite your advice she's going to end up in a world of pain.

RE exes living together - I think not blurring the lines in that situation would take a level of maturity and emotional strength that most of us mere mortals simply do not possess - especially if it's a fresh break up.

Is her ex playing games? I don't think so. I think his behaviour speaks to your comment about him not having any fear of losing her. Why wouldn't he 'partake' in what she is offering if she is so compliant? I think it is just his way of enjoying the fruits of his 'single' status.

As far as living with someone at the age of 19 - I sure wasn't mature enough at that age to do it. Having said that, I think it depends on the two people involved.
LittleMissStrange

That was good advice. Homeboy shouldn't even get a high five until someone moves out (or gets a lock on her door if a lease is involved)
da ThRONe

Wow! Good advise.

I guess it depends on what her finances are like. She may need his half of the rent. But I would suggest that they take a step back for her mental well being. Like Ans said he probably will string you along as long as you allow him. Draw a land in the sand that if you guy's will have any intimate dealing it will be as a couple not as roommates.
Skye Blue

@da Throne

I agree with you completely.

@ mizze

Is the man holding her down and forcing her to take it? Like da Throne says there are no victims in the situation. If anything they are both being unclear.

Ms. Confused has the choice to say no when her 'ex' steps to her right? I admit that when you are emotionally attached to someone and they approach you for sex it would be hard to say no, but her ex shouldn't be cast as the villain in the story. She is making a conscious choice to lay down with him each and every time they have sex, and like da Throne says she needs to get clear about what she wants and the standards by which she wants to be treated in their relationship. Her confusion should not be blamed on her ex.
mizze

WOW!! I have heard this so much in other articles, blogs, and so forth. People in this predicament are staying together due to the recession and the fact that many cant afford a place by themselves...

HOWEVER!! This goes back to an old saying my mom use to tell me (more like DRILLED into me)-- "Always get a place you can afford BY YOURSELF".. My mom's advice is invaluable. I swear that this situation would not have taken place if she had done this. A man can ALWAYS leave, a woman can ALWAYS leave so this is a MAJOR thing people need to think about before they decide to move in together. Living together or "shacking up" is so myspace now (that just means its very common) that people dont take the time to really think about this.

For the advice- it was RIGHT on point. Before I even read what you had to say, I was thinking the exact same thing! It is nothing but CONVEINANT.. Im sorry, thats just what it is. Why not keep around someone who is basically a roommate, a friend and a sex buddy without the title? If you ask any dude (sorry to over-generalize but its how it is most of the time) if they wouldnt want this type of relationship, while still being able to tell other females he is technically single- THAT is perfect!! Is he playing games? NO. Is he acting off what is in HIS best interest? YES! He is getting all the perks of being in a relationship without being in one.

I feel that moving out would be best for her emotional stability. I feel that she is not capable of letting go of her feelings for this man. If this were not so, she would not be as confused about what is going on. She is thinking and acting with her heart, not her head. He is thinking with his head (both of them) and not his heart. I only say this because from what it seems like is that if he truly loved this girl and wanted to be with her- HE WOULD BE WITH HER. He would jump through hoops to win her back or at least not be confusing her because I truly feel that he would have to be an IDIOT not to know that this is.
mizze

Oh yeah, and I moved in with my boyfriend at 20. We had our arguments and all that but overall it went so smoothly and beautifully. I loved living with him and he was upset when I told him I was moving out. It was for NOTHING, i mean NOTHING he did whatsoever (personal reasons). I did not want to leave because we fit so good together..but circumstances came up and blah, blah, blah. But I dont think its too young at all but we are both very mature, we did not rush into it, we talked it over and, at the end of the day, knew this was something we wanted to do.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

She ought to exit YESTERDAY. He's livin' it up, he gets all of the benefits. Besides an orgasm or two (maybe???) and saving money on rent, what else is she getting out of this?

If for nothing else, she ought to exit the apartment for clarity. A physical move may help her with mental and emotional moves.

And yes, 19 is a bit young to live with a partner in my opinion.
Sam Sharpe

What more needs to be said? According to Ms. Confused:

"If someone were to ask him he’d say that he is single but we just live together.

We have sex sometimes—not a lot like when we where together, due to our crazy schedules. He acts and shows me he wants to be with me but when I ask he always says that he isn’t sure."

That quote tells you everything. They "used to be" a couple. They live together and they have sex. That's it.

Is the situation confusing? Yes. Is there any malicious intent? Not from my vantage point.

NWSO is right, she needs to get real with herself, listen to what her ex says, not what he does and take the necessary steps to make sure her needs are getting met.
da ThRONe

Hold up time out!

Although I agree she needs to put her footdown and explain herself to him. The notion that he's just getting over here is just an assumtion. She has all the freedom as he does. There are no victims here. Just two people with different views of their current situation. If she is incapable of having these type of dealing with her ex/roommate she has to fix it. He isnt doing her wrong. He is clear about what he wants. She just need to get the same level of clarity.
mizze

@da Throne

Ok boo..how is he clear? How is saying "I dont wanna be with you" but still having sex with someone, (from what she is saying) is still acting like they want to be together (but we know that may be or may not be), going out with this person.. blah, blah,blah.. how is that being "clear"? If he didnt want to be with her then I truly believe he wouldnt be living with her. Who wouldnt want their cake and have sex with it too? LOL. i was JUST playing with that. But for real, if he truly didnt want to get over then he would not be doing any of this- he would keep it strictly platonic and NOT be with her (even if they were in the same house together)..
mizze

@Skye Blue

I never said anything about anyone being a "victim".. I simply said that he was taking advantage of the situation.. I also never said that this was "his fault"..NO! I said that if she would have thought about the living situation SHE would not have been going through this. As a typical outsider looking in, how could anyone not even fathom that the guys is milking the situation? How could the same person not see that she needs to GET out. Even NWSO pointed out that she needs to stop having sex with dude cuz "who would buy the cow when they are getting the milk for free".. its an old saying but its usually (not always) true.. I just find it funny that I am basically saying the same thing NWSO is saying but for some reason I am not being understood...

yes, she does need to be clear- I said that. is he clear- NO. Sorry, I cannot believe (from what she is saying) that he is being "clear" on their not being together. IMO they both need to figure out what they have going on
Elle

At 19, I would just move back home and leave him to pay the rent by himself - since he wants to be single and all. If your parents are not an option, I'd look for a roommate situation - REAL roommates. But either way, I would leave. In his mind he is single, he doesn't want to be with her, well then, why is she handing out the benefits of being in a relationship.
In contrast to mizze, I believe that ol' boy is being VERY clear. Granted, his words and his actions may not match up. But at the end of the day that doesn't matter. The only thing she can base her decision on is his word - or the things he doesn't say. He doesn't say he still wants to be with her. He doesn't say that he is in a relationship with her. Actions do not speak louder than words when these actions only benefit one side of the equation.

NWSO, you advice was dead on and I had the exact same thoughts while I was reading.

mizze's mom is absolutely on point with her advice to never rent a place you cannot afford on your own. Sometimes people have to learn this the hard way.

Yet another example of why I have grown to disapprove of shacking up before marriage. It's oftentimes a bad, bad, BAD move - usually on the woman's part.
BMW2K

Excellent advice "Trust me, men are upfront and honest about what they want and what their intentions are if you just take the time out to listen and don’t let your (mis)interpretations of a man’s actions get in the way. No matter what he does he’ll always fall back and say, “But I told you yada, yada, yada.” You know what? He’ll be completely right. He told you he didn’t want to be together anymore but you just didn’t listen."

It is clear also that she already knows the truth. He is obviously not hiding anything because she knows how he presents their relationship to others. She needs to make the decision as to whether she is fine with the way things are and will accept the relationship for what it is - friends w/benefits - or move on.

I realize though, that 19 is a little young to really handle this situation well.
virtue5

NWSO you are absolutely right. She needs to move out and separate herself from him physically even if she can't do it emotionally. If they are in school they should look into moving into a dorm if they are available. However, staying with him is not the answer.
DC Man With a Plan

Yo, son, U hit this one outta the PARK! But again, we see how the sexes generally divide, with MOST (meaning NOT all) the women seeing it one way, and MOST (do I need to say not all again?) men seeing something slightly different. I'm ONboard with Da Throne and the co-sign from Skye Blue about the freedom of choice both of them have. And contrary to the many interpretations of the statement that dude "would tell others he's single" since he takes her with him every where BUT school and work, I don't see any REAL intention or opportunity for him to play the field and hit something else. He might be telling her he isn't REALLY into her anymore, but he hasn't moved on either, so they're at a standstill of sorts, until one of them makes a decisive move after deciding this shyt is wack! It kills me when women act like MEN are the only beneficiaries when having sex. Trust, SHE's getting something out the deal too! Personally, I don't think it's practical or wise to be living with a man b4 the age of 25. Ask someone over 25 how many relationships they had between 19 and 25 and for MOST ppl, it's gonna be more than ONE, so why limit your growth and lessons on life by putting yourself in a situation most ppl over 21 have issues dealing with successfully? It is obvious both of them are immature, she ran out of the house to calm down, he ignored her for two days, during which time she evidently didn't try to initiate conversation until she decided to ask the big question....TOO much drama for 19, lil sis.....
da ThRONe

@mizze

I brought the word "victim" into the topic not Sky Blue. And it was more of an response to Spinster comment.

"He’s livin’ it up, he gets all of the benefits. Besides an orgasm or two (maybe???) and saving money on rent, what else is she getting out of this?"

Its casting her as the victim and him as the villain. When he's probably just as confused as she is. But he is saying he isnt sure and last time I checked sex is good to all parties involved(our atleast when I do it). He is still paying his half of the rent. So how is he "Livin' it up"?
Dr_BluInBK

She is very naive. It is because she is young and in love. I was there when I was her age. The thing is that she will read your advice and understand it, but not take it. Reality has to hit her. This is where it is easier said than done.
I think she should move out and do her or live there and do her. He is not going to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free (old saying...said that I am not old at all). She is still young and your advice is good.
capricorn

She is young and INEXPERIENCED!! Not in love. She thinks that if he stays around then he must still have some kind of feelings for her. Not so. He gets azz when he wants to and can deal with her on his terms. She needs to man up and move out OR he needs to man up and move out.
da ThRONe

Can we kill this lame ass Cow and Milk cliche? Sex is a two way street. Him buying you has less to do with your milk and more about the kinda cow you are. Milk is easy to get a quailty cow on the other hand is priceless. So if you are having a problem being purchased its not because your "giving your milk away" its because you probably have mad cow disease.
Andrialynn

What did you think of my advice for Ms. Confused? It was right on the mark.
Do you think she needs to move out to get some clarity on her “relationship?” - Yes
Do you feel that exes can successfully live together without the lines getting blurred or is that just asking for trouble? Yes, because thats currently my situation.
Is Ms. Confused’s ex playing games with her emotions by taking her with him when he goes out?- No they are friends. Friends should be able to go out and have fun. Its her decision to not flirt with a guy or allow him to block her from getting some.
Is 19 too young to be living with someone or does it depend on the individuals? It depends on the person and the situation.
Do you think she’s setting herself up to get hurt? What do you think Ms. Confused needs to do? - If she wants to stay with him she needs to have that straight up real talk with him. She also needs to start dating other people to see if she really misses him etc....

Me & my babies' father broke up and we are real good friends. We live together as a family and still date and see other people. I guess we have an open relationship. Its a mutual understanding & I like it this way.
B_EbonyinLDN

Great advice- she needs to move out and create some space/distance between her and her ex.

I was in a very similar situation when I was 18/19 and I wish someone could have offered me this advice.

He is having his cake and eating it too, he can do anything he wants and then can turn around and say but "we are not together".

The long term effect is low self esteem

She needs to get out

Please update us if she decides to take your advice
Shequita

I was 19 when I moved in with my boyfriend (now estranged husband) and he was 22. I was young but not dumb, I was taught to live according to your OWN means rather than joint means..so anytime he felt he needed to leave, I was str8!! Glad I at least had that much sense..all depends on the two ppl!

I think you gave her great advice, I wouldn't even have any words for him. I think as soon as people decide to detach the way they feel from what's REAL, they'll be so much better off. Easier said then done, but It'd be better to be a work in progress than be in a situation like that.

And lets keep it real.. aint nothin in this world free, so unless it's a joint experience, she needs to stop giving him the goodies.
The Duchess

NWSO, your advice was on point!
I could NOT live with an ex.. If we aren't together, then he needs to move out! Bump all that! Work @ Walmart or Target so you can afford to get your own place.. Anywho, she shouldn't be in a serious relationship @ that age no way.
Full of Fire

I agree with your advice and I only think exes can live together if the break up was truly mutual...

I think Ms Confused should decide what she really wants... it sounds like she wants to be with him so I think the 1st step is to start acting like she owns her own p****y... otherwise he will MOST certainly continue to act like an insensitive a** who ran to Cali to be with you -got you to move in with him -and then after a not even bad argument basically called it quits...

I say next time yall go out let him be all hugged up w/ you but scope out some dudes you like too... make a move their way and tell them you're single..play the game girl!... this will force your man to make either a move that will show you its probably dangerous to continue a relationship or that he really wants to be with you...

if you send me $49.95 I can send you my handbook which will show you how to respond to both of these reactions effectively while still getting the outcome you want...;)
Rastaman

People only voluntarily change their situation when they view the change as less painful than the status quo.

Ms. Confused is not feeling enough pain as of yet. So the advice you have offered in on point but I would agree that she is not at the point yet where she want to alter the status quo. She is still holding out for a revivial of what they had before. So she believes that any radical change along the lines proposed would make that less likely to happen. She already knows what has to happen, she just does not know how to go about doing it. Because she is not through with the relationship.

Relationships are tough and affordable housing in a tough economy is difficult. I believe she may be focussed on the emotional aspects of her situation but the economic aspects may also be a major factor. the one thing that comes to mind is that she has presented herself as someone who has no real say in the situation. Obviously when they go out, he is not the only one acting like they are together. And why does she still go out together as a couple if she does not feel like they are indeed a couple.

Both these folks are young and they are having a hard time figuring out their next steps. It appears they have both boxed themselves into a proverbail corner and cannot figure their way back out. It is hard to say goodbye to yesterday afterall.
da ThRONe

@Full of Fire

How you going call ole boy an "Insensitive Ass"? This is one person telling her side of the story. And there is always two sides. Im sure he is just as confused as she is about whats best for them. He seems like a good kid.
The Duchess

Please explain to me why an ex would WANT to live with their ex? The only way I see that working is IF they didn't really care for one another to begin with..
Also, no woman in this world could make a man want to be with them if the man doesn't want to..
da ThRONe

@ The Duchess

Just because you are incapable of doing something doesnt mean it cant work or isnt best for somebody else.
The Duchess

Throne- Explain to me HOW you see it working.. Like really
Full of Fire

@ da throne

he is insensitive because he is not making a clear decision on what he wants out of the relationship...as noted above he knows this girl still wants him and will take him back and he is obviously abusing that.. i dont care if she is offering her goods... the fact that he is having his cake and eating it after basically making the call to end the relationship is insensitive... if he were truly done with the situation he would move on but clearly he's milking it to see how far she will let this go...

hence my advice to her...OWN YOUR P***Y!!!
da ThRONe

Being that I was in a relationship that wasnt a relationship around that age I would know. I dont know all the factor of their sitiuation so I cant speak for them.

But If she is mature enough why not? She gets to have an emotional connection with a guy who has feeling for her without all the stress of being in a relationship. They are still spliting the rent and I'm assuming bills and expenses as well. People speak of "in house pussy" she gets "in house dick".
The Duchess

Interesting..
da ThRONe

@Full of Fire

That is all assumtions. We dont know whats going through his mind. Or what was done by her. It clear he cares for her his actions says so. He is still a young dude and may need to grow up a bit but it doesnt seem like he is just getting over.

When I was in a similiar situation I told a chaick I didnt want to date her because I was concerned about her feeling and getting to attached to me when I wasnt sure about what I wanted.
ms confused

Thank u all 4 u advice....I reead everyones feedback...

I left been gone for 3 days so far and he has been blowin my fone up...

Stayin @ a friends a couple blocks away he doesn't kno this though...

Yesterday he brought me flower 2 work told me he love me and come back home that we can work this out 2 not give up on our love

I got. Mad...I told him if he wantd 2 be wit me it would tak more than flowers he needs 2 rove himsef 2 me all over again cuz I refuse 2 be stuck in da sideline. Position....
mizze

@da Throne

No, thats coo.. I see your point and misunderstood what you were getting at. I only addressed her because she addressed me using the same vernacular so I just responded to what I was reading. There are more ways to "living it up" than just paying the rent- my things was that he was basically wanting the relationship without being in one- sorry that is how I feel and dealing with as MANY dudes as I have and listened to MANY guy friends and having MANY brothers and uncles....I have some inclination into the male mind. I am not saying I know men better than another man knows men but c'mon! Take a step back and truly assess the situation. YES you are right, sex is a two-way street- the ACT of sex is a two way street. THe reasons behind the sex is completely different. I truly believe that men are much more picky in selecting a mate.. if they truly want to be with a woman, nothing is going to stop him from trying to be with her. So all this "Im confused" crap that he is dealing with to me, again TO ME, is a bunch of bull.

I truly believe that she is still in love with this man, that is why she still has sex with him, still goes and hangs out, still lives in the same house and so forth. Is she saving money to move out? I never once heard that claim so I ASSUME she is not. I truly feel that she is doing this as a way to potentiall win him back and hope to rekindle things but its not happening. If he really did not want to be with this woman- he wouldnt be having sex, going out with her and living with her. SOrry, who does that? If they resolved to make it work as friends living under the same roof, sure its ok that they hang out but sex with your ex (with clear feelings involved and unclear signs) will ALWAYS confuse things.

And let the record show, this is NOT gang up on the man- if the woman was doing the same thing, the SAME THING I would feel the same way... And it would be funny to see if guys opinions on this would change
mizze

@da Throne

"When I was in a similiar situation I told a chaick I didnt want to date her because I was concerned about her feeling and getting to attached to me when I wasnt sure about what I wanted"

were you still sleeping with the girl?
ms confused

I felt lik I waas goin crazy part of me wantd nothin just 2 see him ass a roomate the other part of me wantd 2 fight for my love....he hasn't doeesnt go out with other women me on the other hhad do go out on date 2 distractt me frm home but ugh @ da end of da day I want him.....

And I felt lik since he ainnt made any move 4 another women I keep givin him da goods so he won't go lookin...I kno I sound sulli and stupid but hhey I really love this man but I love myself more so wish me. Luck be it we work us out or I do my own thing w/o him
mizze

@Ms. Confused

I am happy to see that you stood your ground. I am glad that you got out of that situation because that would be the only time you were able to think with a clear head

Its funny, huh, how once the guy sees that you are gone and you take the "conveniance" out of a situation they come back around? It just goes to show that what everyone and myself trying to convey- He was not going to "want the cow" (not calling you a cow babe) if it were so readily available. I mean, he generally MAY have been confused too but to only come around once you are not convenient to him. "And I felt lik since he ainnt made any move 4 another women I keep givin him da goods so he won’t go lookin"- that is CRAZY because in the comment before this one i said the SAME THING!!! I hope that if you guys really want to work things out that you can and truly open up and communicate your feelings toward one another and the situation.
http://mzvirgo.com/ MzVirgo

I met a guy who told me this line. He broke up with the baby's mother and said that they lived together, but there was no intimacy. Huh??

I then asked him, "so, do you get it on for old times sakes?" He said that he's been good and turned it (sex) down. I also asked him if they could bring their significant others to the house. I don't remember the answer, but the bottom line, I don't feel that two exes can live together without thinking about the past and/or cockblocking or "twat-swatting" (got that from Dane Cook) when the other is out on a date.

Good advice, BTW.
The Duchess

Confused- Good Luck sugar! Being in love & confused is a biatch!

Mz Virgo- I agree!! I don't understand how ex's can live together and I definitely wouldn't understand a woman or man dating a person living with their ex.. LMAO @ Dane Cook! That dude is HILARIOUS!!
da ThRONe

@mizze

Ofcourse we were having sex. But I express to her my confusion. We just hadnt been a couple at the time.

@ms confused

Being that I was in a similiar situation I would say that he may very well feel the same. Relationships are scary business. He may just be scared. If he's worth it work with him. Use this as a great platform to discuss you guys future plans. Talk to him let him know what it is that you need from her on out.
mizze

@da Throne

You are such a MAn lol.. why would you be sleepin with her if you were "confused".. wouldnt you want to step back from the situation.. I would say you were confusing the situation but I already know what you are going to say- "sex is between two people".. umm lol
da ThRONe

I was 20 she was a freak why would we not have sex? LOL

It wasnt the sex confusing things. I hate to sound so manish! But I can completely serperate feeling of sex from feeling of love.
mizze

@da throne

oh honey, why do men always think that women cant? BABE, believe me.. we CAN! Not all women can, not all men can but i swear that when men understand this-- they will truly stop generalizing women. It had never even been seperating with me- its hard to separate something that was never there
da ThRONe

@mizze

Trust me I know its not about gender. I was just joking. But you made it seem like sex and feelings are the same thing. Like I cant get some head while I tried to clear my head! SMH @ mizze
DC Man With a Plan

Da Throne earns the “ Joke of the Day award “ for saying: " So if you're having problem being purchased.......its because you probably have mad cow disease...lmao
That's funny, don't even try to front! Even though Confused has surfaced and updated a few things, I'ma return to a few points made by others. The whole " buy the cow cliche" is mostly B/S. This is NOT an ideal situation for a MAN. Grown azz mature men KNOW damn well they're not gonna live with an "EX" for more than a minute, get hit off by her and still be able to bring dates by the house without her cock-blocking. Without her gettin all in your bizness and likely telling mutual friends and your family DIRT about you. On the surface it might seem enviable, but any man with ANY degree of empathy will know this is NOT how you treat another person (think Karma), especially someone you professed love for, or at least carried for a time as your woman. Naw, this shyt gonna get old REAL quick. Ery'day you comin home to a buzz saw of attitude? Can't trust whether she's spittin in your drink, poisoning your food, waiting outside your bedroom with a butchers knife to slice your azz bcuz you got another woman in your room? Does that SOUND like fun? Naw, shacking with an "EX" as if she's your friend with benefits is not for the mature, wise man. That's like pissin in the police station: U just ASKING for trouble!
The Duchess

Throne- You could seperate sex from your feelings but a TON of women can't.. So you are becoming part of the problem don't you think?

DC- I agree! There is NO WAY that shyte works no matter what the scenario is!
da ThRONe

@The Duchess

She ended up being the only female I ever been in love with. She won!
WendyK

Yes, @Mizze's mom is so right: Only agree to live in a place you will be able to afford on your own. My mom (and Suze Orman) also stressed that saving money to care for myself in emergencies is mandatory.
I lived with my ex and it was not a pleasant situation. However, I must admit that it was one of THE most enlightening experiences I had thus far in my adult life. I learned a lot about myself, my boundaries, men and relationships.
I reluctantly agreed to get a place with my boyfriend a few years ago, despite the feelings of anxiety I had and that little voice telling me not to sign the lease. It was the moment in the realtor's office (his mom!) that I decided I couldn't do it. I just couldn't sign the lease with him. I didn't have the trust that I needed in him to share that sort of expense. We actually broke up over it, but a few weeks passed, several arguments and overnight visits, and mind-blowing make-up sex later, I was moved in and painting the walls with him.
Months had gone by and everything was just "peachy" until the insecure feelings I had about our relationship resurfaced. Things he promised to work on went out the window, his late night studio sessions went longer (he's a producer here in NYC). Then the inevitable happened: I started looking through his phone and finding inappropriate messages from the many "female friends" he maintained. Of course, the bickering turned into huge blowout fights with me throwing irons and he restraining himself from hitting me. It got ugly, ya'll. I became repulsed by him and stopped giving him my body. (We were used to doing it AT LEAST 6x’s a week) I stopped cooking and keeping up with my other "womanly duties". He began to feel neglected. We eventually broke up after only a year in. He was actually the aggressor in that act and within a few weeks later into that summer, he announced that he would be moving out. Mind you, the lease and all the bills were in his name. He offered to continue to pay his half of the rent and the bills. Sweet deal, so I thought...
A week or so later, I left for the Hamptons one weekend for work and while I was there he left me a vm stating that when I returned home, he and his things would not be there. That was an understatement.... I got home to find that this man took EVERYTHING but a futon and an old television. Oh, and I can't forget, he left MY bottle of hot sauce sitting out on the kitchen counter. I felt like I had died. But that's not the worst...
I was fully employed with excellent benefits at the time and included him on my health/dental insurance, but I realized it was costing me a pretty penny. To save money, I removed him from my insurance and the VERY NEXT DAY, he calls to tell me he has to go to the dentist for an emergency procedure. Upon finding out he was no longer insured, he turned off the cable/internet and threatened to turn off the electricity and break the lease early (we had 3 months left). It was then, laying on the hard futon with no comforter, that I decided I had to leave right then and there. I did just that. I packed my clothes and left BK forever and moved to Harlem.
It took me over a year to get over that relationship and the emotional damage that it caused. It has been a little over two years now, and I'm just now at the end of recovering financially.
I am totally over that character, and trust me, he has been in and out of my life since the break-up. I've tried to be friends, but he is too insecure and manipulative and cannot truly be anyone's friend or boyfriend...at least not to me.
The point in this long tale, is that I lost my independence and allowed someone else to have power and control of my life...I was 28/29 then. So for a 19 year old to be experiencing a situation that can easily lead to one like mine, my advice to her is to GET OUT NOW...RUN EVEN. Do not let your financial situation allow you to tolerate disrespect and feeling uncomfortable in your own home. You will lose yourself. Seek help from your family and friends...that's what they are there for. He will not change, no matter what you do. Take back control and get out. Saving your dignity, pride, independence, SELF is so much more important than some relationship that you are feeling secure in.
WendyK

Just read all the updates.
@ Confused, if you are already out the house, then stay out until you feel as though you can truly live alone. No matter how many times he brings you flowers and says he loves you, YOU need to love and YOURSELF. It sounds as though the both of you need to grow a bit more before getting back together, especially live together. You've been with him for five years, it may be time for a break. I'd say learn about yourself and explore your place in this world. Consider seeing other people to learn, not use them as a distraction. Then in the end, if he is really yours and you are his, you will get back together and be stronger than ever.
William H.

Great advise!

At 19, she def. Should move back! Everybody is single until you married I don't care how many years you were together. Whatever you put on your taxes is what your status is. So don't do married'ish' activities like still splitting finances.

http://Www.irunthroughbabymommas.blogspot.com
BMW2K

@ Confused - I am glad you are seeing more clearly now.

It is a RARE thing that one chooses their mate @ the age of 14 (assuming since you were with him for 5 years).

You will look back on this and wonder what made you put up with it for so long. Do what is right for you and move forward.

Good Luck!
YoungJay

@ NWSO

I love your blog bruh but you gotta give Da Throne a major shout when you get awards....His comments like ''So if your not being purchased it's cuz you have mad cow disease'' in reference to the cow and milk cliche are frickin priceless. We need a ''Da Throne's 2 Cent'' column on Fridays to make us laugh going into the weekend!
ATLs.Marc.of.Excellence

Been in the reverse of this situation, where we had broke up and she saw fit to be a complete whore...while still living with me... the Holidays came, she went to stay with somebody, and the day after new years, she went to her folks house and found all her stuff "magically" in her parents garage, and the locks "magically" changed at my place... (makes note to never, EVER fall in love again)
http://thoughtsof100k.blogspot.com/ 100K

Yikes!!!!

Totally dumb idea..extremely asinine.
The Duchess

ATL- You could fall in love again just not with whores.. She didn't just "majically" become a whore once yall broke up.. She was ALWAYS a whore & you liked it
Elle

To borrow off of Little Brother and add a slight twist to it:

Money and love do not change you. They just make you more of what you already are.

And in saying that I absolutely agree with The Dutchess.
da ThRONe

@The Duchess

Being that I also fell in love with a ho I can speak on this personally. Females dont come right out and say "Hi my name is _______ and Im a Ho". She did her best to conceal it. Ofcourse they were a handful of signs that she was ho-ish ,but do to my forgiving nature and just plan inexperience I let those things slide because I choose to focus on the bigger picture. It had nothing to do with loving her ho side. If you think your going go into a relationship without having to come to terms with a person past or something about them your not thrilled you will be single forever. I just know now that if she is still exhibiting those ho-traits that it is something thats still in her and its best to just move on.
The Duchess

Throne- I hear you BUT dude was talking about the chick he was with MAGICALLY became a ho.. No such thing.. Ho's need love too but don't try to make a ho a housewife & then complain about the chick is acting like a ho..
da ThRONe

@The Duchess

Read his post again he didnt say she magically became a ho. He just said she did after they broke up. Which means he didnt notice it til after they broke up. Maybe she was a great actress or he never saw the signs because we all know (hopefully ATL too) you dont become a ho overnight.
Dialigia

Well, i have my own similar story,and i guess i need some advice too... We broke up about 3 weeks ago, but we're still living together. We've been together for a year, ( i'm 26 he's 23 )and ever since we started dating we spent most nights together, either in his apartment, or mine. Then about 4 months ago, upon returning from a vacation visiting my family, he asked me if i wanna get an apartment with him and live together. Of course i said yes. So we moved in. Everything was beautiful, planning things, being excited about our new beautiful apartment and just enjoying life, and being in love, happy, cuddly and all the good stuff. Or so i thought. 3 weeks ago, after waking up he was sort of distant and kind of ignoring me, so i got pissed off a bit and went to see a friend of mine ( i won't get into TOO many details, promise). Didn't kiss him good-bye or anything, just told him i'm gonna go see her and that i'll see him later. On my way there i sent him a message (God how i regret it) asking him to think about our relationship and that i'll do the same and maybe we should talk a bit. He replies half an hour later that he's had strong feelings for me, but that they have been fading away for a while, and that he thought that by moving in together, it would do it for him, but that it didn't cause we're so diffrent.The last thing he wanted to do was to break my big heart, but he didn't see a future for us, and that he was never in love ( in general, not just with me). I called him, crying, and he was crying too, and i started asking him what's going on and can we please talk about it... i ran home, so i would still catch him at home, cause he was off to work shortly, and when i got home he was still crying...almost as hard as i was. And i asked him what the hell is going on, and please let's talk about it and work it out. I was in shock, cause we never had any major fights or anything of the sort. He just kept on crying and saying that he can't do this anymore and that we can't work it out, that there's no point... that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, and that we're diffrent and he can't be in a relationship where he doesn't feel like i do. (i love him so much). So i cried, he went to work, still crying himself, he called a friend of mine to come to stay with me so i won't be alone at home, and then when he got home we talked some more. But basically the same things on and on... We're going to Thailand in about a week, we have everything booked since 3 months ago, and can't get any refunds, and i don't wanna lose the money. I asked him if while there on vacation, (with another couple) we might work out and try and make it through... he said that he doesn't think anything could change... A few days after we talked again, again he started crying, and said that he doesn't love me, that he's never been in love with anyone, that he still cares a lot about me and doesn't want to hurt me, and asked for forgiveness. I asked him if he wants to date other girls, he said no, it's not about other girls. I asked him if he wants to party more and get wasted and be on his own or with his friends. he said it's not that either. Then i asked him what does he want, and he said that that's a good question, that he doesn't know. We're still living together, since we can't find apartments to move to that fast and none of us has the money yet to do that. I asked him if i should move out first, he said no, that if there's anyone moving out, it will be him. Then he said he's not moving out. I said that sooner or later we will have to move, he said let's do it rather later, than sooner.Plus the trip is coming also. We agreed that none of us will "do" anything with anybody else during this trip, so that we can still somehow enjoy it, without drama. Oh, and we are also working together. We still sleep in the same bed, though there is another bed in the living room (his choice to still sleep in the same bed). We eat together, cook, lately we even started watching tv series together like we used to... we're being friends, or at least trying to. My heart is broken and i'm confused...and like the idiot that i am i still hope, someway, somehow, that we will manage to work things out... since we never had any fights or major arguments, and it's not about anyone else either... I would really appreciate any opinions, anyone might have... since i just don't know what to anymore. Thank you!
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Dialigia

Honestly, it sounds like your ex has some SERIOUS commitment and deep-rooted emotional issues that he needs to work out. From what you say, he sounds really scared and conflicted. It seems like he cares but something from his past (either a relationship or even childhood) scared him deeply and it's resulted in this extreme fear of commitment. I'm far from a psychologist but that's my take and he may need to see one to talk out his feelings and find the cause of this confusion.

Despite pushing you away it sounds like he cares for you but the whole scenario just seems like one big emotional ball that would be too much for me to deal with. Either you is or you isn't digging me, if not get yourself together and holla at me when you're mentally prepared. Besides that it may be a waste of emotional and physical energy.
Dialigia

I've been his first serious relationship, so i guess it's not cause of another relationship.Though his parents are divorced...

So what do i do about living together still? Should i try and stall it, that maybe he will realize what's going on with him and try and work things out? Maybe that the vacation time, away from work, school, studio recordings (oh yes he is also an aspiring musician...) will relax him and he will be more aware of his feelings and we'll see eachother in a diffrent light? It's one week away until we go... things are going good so far... we're still friends, and we talk and joke and it's more comfortable than after the first week we broke up. He keeps saying we'll be okay, with the money and with the apartment, and that he'll back me up if i need anything. Like he'll be there for me or something... Urgh, him being confused, got me confused also, and i don't like the feeling. That's why i'm trying to get more opinions from anyone out there! I don't have much experience with serious relationships either
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Dialigia

I say same advice as in this post. If y'all are broken up move out. No point to having grey area and confusion. Someone will wind up even more hurt.

As for the trip, that's tricky. No one wants to lose money in this economy. I have a homeboy that broke up with his girl and still went on a trip that was planned and that worked out okay so maybe it can for you too. At least you'll have other folks to distract. but it's no guarantee things will change when you get back.

Just do what feels right for you and him. If it ain't meant to be you can't force it.
AnonyMiss

She definitely needs to move out if she wants to move on... otherwise she's just gonna stay in this confusing relationship status. If they're gonna live together then they need to decide whether they want to be together or separate because if they're still being intimate w/ each other and invite other people into the equation then one or both of them is going to get hurt, as well as the other people involved who don't realize what they're walking into.
ms confused

so i wantd to give you all on update on my situatuion

me and my ex startd i guess u can say dating again.....by jan i moved back in

everything has bn goin great we talkied bout every thing put all our issues on the table and we workin thru them....

he was confused told me part of him loved me and wantd to be wit me but he confusion came frm him not feeling lik i ws takin da relationship serious i had made him feel as if i had him lockd down that he was goin anywhere dat i was takin him for grantd so he acted according to this...

and i told him how i felt bout everything bout how i behaved how he acted towards me why i did the things i did.... just layed it all out since then we have been doin betta than eva only time will tell if this is it so far so good.....

but yes ppl i have a back up plan adding on to emergency funds if and wen this doesnt work out i have a way out wit no prob and if all ends well ha i have a savings account for our future....

thanks all for the feedback and thank u mr.nakedwithsox on for taking the time to read my story and give me advice =)
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Ms Confused

Thanx for the update. I hope all works out