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Her Boyfriend's Down With O.P.P. (Are Wandering Eyes Ok?)

Posted by NWSO • December 3, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I'm 21 and have a boyfriend who I've been dating for four years now. Things have not always been in our favor, but we've managed to see it through. I've been noticing some changes in him that I've found upsetting. I feel as though these signs have always been there, but I was just too blind to see. But let me give you a little background information…

First, his ex girlfriend introduced us in my junior year of high school but we started off talking just as friends. After graduation, I noticed that my younger sister began to show interest in him and I could tell he took an interest in her as well. He began to lie about my younger, pretty, skinnier, light-skinned sister coming to see him. I know I shouldn't have been upset but I had begun to develop feelings for him. So when he finally told me that he kissed my sister, I was hurt and betrayed. So the months before I left for college, we did not speak to each other.

When I came home for the holidays in my freshman year of college, he came to me and apologized. He also said that he no longer had interest in my sister. We began to talk and he asked me out three days before Christmas. Believing that he was truly genuine, I accepted. Things became rocky after the fact. My mom disliked him to the point where I was completely isolated, with the exception of him and his family. Before my freshman year was done, though, things had gotten a better day by day. Until recently.....

The past couple of months, I've noticed some upsetting traits that have not been there before. He no longer cares about my sexual satisfaction. Also, whenever I'm truly upset about something to the point where it brings me to tears, he gets mad at me or ignores me. Whenever I ask him a question, just to see if he sees me the same way, he would either answer without looking at me or say nothing at all. He's always asking me to do something for him, whether it takes cash or not, but I do not receive the same treatment.

On Thanksgiving I spent the day with his family and brought over his favorite casserole and several desserts. When I got to the house, though, he didn’t help me with the bags or come and hug or kiss me. He didn’t even say thank you for all of the things that I’ve done for him. So as the day progressed, I noticed that he barely spoke to me and when he did it was in a abusive tone.

After dinner, me and his brothers and their girlfriends decide to play a game. I sat next to him on the love seat, but I noticed that his eyes where not on me the entire time, but on his brother's girlfriend and her friend. I became upset and removed myself from the room. It took him 30 minutes before he came to look for me.

When I returned to the living room, I noticed that his eyes are not on me once again. Every time I would ask him a question, or try to make him look at me, he wouldn't. But he would continue to look at his brother's girlfriend and her friend. Around midnight, I began to pack my things to head home. He then began to ask me what was wrong, but I was so upset and disappointed by him to where I couldn't say anything to him. When I got home, he called and texted but I didn't answer. We have not spoken since then.

So what am I to do? Leave it alone, or get out of the relationship as soon as I can. Is he attracted to me still? As you can tell I'm deeply confused and do not know where to turn. I love this man with all of my heart, and I do believe that there is a pinch of hope left. But please help me.

Dear Deeply Confused,

First off, this is a crazy story. Your first red flag should have been the fact he kinda-sorta dealt with your younger sister before you. I know you said all they did was kiss (I’ll assume it didn’t go farther than that) but it seems a bit odd to me. In my Man Law Code of Ethics once you holla and/or score with a person from a crew (this case family) everyone else in that crew/family is off limits. Sure there are some exceptions to the rule but a man shouldn't come between sisters.

This actually opens up a list of questions for me: What was it about your sister that he was no longer attracted to? The fact she wouldn't give it up? How did your sister feel about you later hooking up with him? Yeah, you guys evolved into a full-fledged relationship (for better or worst) but still.

Also, I noticed that you described your younger sister as the "pretty, skinnier, light-skinned" one. What's up with that? I know there's sometimes sisterly competition, but that shouldn't come at the expense of your own self image. Maybe I'm over analyzing things, but I'd hope that you'd view yourself just as "pretty" as your sister. Even though he treats you bad, he did choose you. Unless your sister realized he was an ass and just didn't warn you. If so, ThatsABadLook.com (Coming soon).

Secondly and most importantly is the other half of your letter. From the scenario you laid out, homie sounds like a straight asshole. I saw no redeeming characteristics that made him sound like a good boyfriend or someone worthy of your time. He's selfish when it comes to sex and only takes care of his own needs. You're going out of your way to do things for him and his family/friends and he doesn't even bat an eye of appreciation. All in all it sounds like he's mentally checked out of the relationship and is just going through the motions to get what works for him—sex on his terms, gifts, food, etc—all while putting in little to no effort.

No wonder your mom doesn't like him. I’m sure it has just as much to do with the above as the fact he was kickin it with your little sister first. If it's not already obvious to you and you’re still holding on to the “pinch of hope” that’s left gone, this relationship sounds like it's already over to me.

Seriously, what are you getting out of it? Are you happy? If so, what percentage of time are you happy and what role does he play in your happiness? Really ask yourself that and I think your answer to what you should do will be clear. I know love is a strong emotion and often trumps rationality—especially when you’re young, but when you're being treated like shit; what's love gotta do with it?

At the end of the day your happiness should be the most important thing on your agenda. If he can't, won't or just doesn't know how to fulfill that need for you I think four years is more than enough wasted time to be waiting around for him to some day maybe, possibly (probably not) figure it out.

Also, if he's staring at his own brother's girl and their friend (I assume a female) this dude sounds like he's got a bad case of O.P.P. Maybe you exaggerated the stares a bit but based on his past history you laid out, I wouldn't put it past him. He's messed with two sisters; who's to say he has any respect for any other man law boundaries. Dude just sounds like trouble, IMHO.

If you still have any doubts as to leaving him, the last piece of advice I can give you is to write down a list of his good and bad qualities on a piece a paper. If the bad outweighs the good you'll see right there in black and white what makes sense. That always helps me visualize the right decision when my emotions get in the way.

Good luck and I hope this helped.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were underappreciated? How long did it take for you to realize and move on? Would you stay in a relationship like this because you were in “love?” Could you start a relationship with someone that kissed your sibling? Do you think that Ms. Deeply Confused was exaggerating about her BF staring at his own brother’s girlfriend? What would you do if you caught your mate staring at someone else right in front of you? Is that the ultimate disrespect? What did you think of my advice for Ms. Deeply Confused? What do you think she should do?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: bad boyfriend, cheating, pushover, weak person

simma

(i assume a female) lmao, that got me rollin

but i feel like shes in a bad state in her relationship so her view of it now is negative...but if shes spitting the truth this is all bad
da ThRONe

Yeah ma ditch this dude. Not that people should run at the first sign of trouble ,but this dude is a dick. If its bad enough to have you second guessing yourself 9 times out of 10 its over. There are some things that should never be compromised and your self respect is one.
mizze

I would not stay in a relationship just because I was "in love" its not healthy. I would work on before just callling it quits but if that person is not putting in an effort then no. Its like the Jazmine SUllivan song- Lions, Tigers and Bears where it goes " Just because I love you and you love me, that doesnt mean that we're meant to be".. Its so true! She is sooo young, and so am I.. so I dont want to (and assumes she doesnt) be in a relationship for years and look back and it wasnt worth it. And my boyfriend is actually someone who first was dating one of my best friends (i know, I know), so clearly I can do it but I would not tell anyone else to.

Dont really know if she exaggerated but knowing me and many other females..IT CAN HAPPEN. I know that we sometimes may put more emphasis on an action than was really there or maybe leave out what WE were doing..soooo, that being said, its really possible. And I have caught my bf staring at another female before. I know he has looked at other females before, but this one stood out (even though it was a couple years ago) because I seen him travel WITH HIS EYES up her legs all the way to her f'n hair. lol. I was PISSED because 1) he sat there and lied about it (i hate liars) and 2) I was not as mature as I am now. I realize that dudes stare at females. THATS IT. lol. I thought that he should only wanna look at ME but that is just not reality. Plus, I was "one of those females" that got mad at him but knowing i am SUPER quick to look if I see a BAD ass, fine ass dude walking by- I just dont get CAUGHT! So I really dont trip anymore about that because I know he loves me and it just is being secure with your relationship.
-rizle

Its hard to walk away from the relationship without giving it a try to work it out but in her situation its all presented to her. Dude is disrespectful, selfish and asshole. Who wants to be in a relationship with a man like that. Just what Mrs. Obama said "You shouldn't be in relationship with somebody who doesn't make u completely happy and make u feel whole." She needs to get out. Its gonna hurt like hell but eventually she will get over it slowly and feel better about herself in the long run.

I totally co-sign with your advice about making the list - good vs bad. This works.
MySentimentsExactly

This relationship was doomed from the start. My question to her is......Why would she even attempt anything with him after he picked her sister over her? I'm pretty sure that he recognized that she had feeling for him @ that time. He was just selfish and desired the sister more. Can't say that he was wrong or not during that time, It was just that he was attracted to the sister more. With that being said, I would have never looked his was again. Babygirl you will be okay. Just never place someone a PRIORITY in your life that doesn't place you a PRIORITY in theirs. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER. Start loving yourself, so you will
realize when BS is BS. People that love themselves know when it's time to move on. Ditch him! Never REGRET!!!!!
Skye Blue

First of all, your advice about ditching the dude was definitely on point. Ms. Deeply Confused needs to leave her man fast, as in yesterday.

Re the questions:

1.Have you ever been in a relationship where you were underappreciated?

Yes, but who hasn't.

2. How long did it take for you to realize and move on?

Far too long.

3. Would you stay in a relationship like this because you were in “love?”

Negative.

4. Could you start a relationship with someone that kissed your sibling?

Don't have any siblings, but I wouldn't be inclined to do so if the guy had even kissed my friend.

4. Do you think that Ms. Deeply Confused was exaggerating about her BF staring at his own brother’s girlfriend?

Possibly, but if he was ignoring her the way she described that's bad enough.

5. What would you do if you caught your mate staring at someone else right in front of you?

Hmmm...one person's 'staring' is another person's look or glance. People in relationships aren't dead and I always assume that the man I'm with is going to notice women that catch his eye - the same way I may notice a good looking man. I think it only becomes a problem when they spend so much time looking at said interest that they are no longer paying attention to you. My motto is (well at least one of them) that there will always be someone prettier, smarter, sexier, etc. than me, but life will go on.

6.Is that the ultimate disrespect?

I don't think so. It's rude and may be a problem depending on what kind of relationship you have, but there are a lot more disrespectful things a person can do in a relationship.

7. What did you think of my advice for Ms. Deeply Confused? What do you think she should do?

Like I said before - loved you advice (especially the part about writing out the pros and cons of being with him) and she needs kick his ass to the curb - gently, but kick it nonetheless.
DC Man With a Plan

Good job on showing restraint and empathy. Great advice as well. This is an example of how women are sooo different from men. IMO, maybe 6 out of 10 women could find themselves in this situation, with ALL the f*cking signs that there is nothing to this "so called relationship" in neon lights, but YET they hang the F*ck on for some reason? Maybe THIS is that unconditional love we dissected yesterday? On the other hand, IMO, maybe 1/2 a man out of 10 would find himself in this situation, wondering what they should do, even though they've already SAID what they should do; know in their heart of hearts what's poppin, but still the silly-ness persists? She's in a one person relationship with a dude who shyts all over her and doesn't even try to tell her it's something else. What the f*ck does he have to do to get RID of you? I understand being young, but DAMN! You go to college and can't see anyone EVER tryin to holla, so you gotta stick with this AZZ? Sometimes, it's better to be ALONE. THIS, is one of those times. Women spend so much time in fantasy land, they don't know reality when it's bearing down on them. EVEN if you're the ugliest Mo-fo on the earth, you deserve respect, (starting with SELF-RESPECT) and love under reasonable terms and should have EVERY expectation that there is someone out here, among the billions of Mo-fo's walking the earth, that is RIGHT for you. In the mean time, be the smartest, leanest, most competent, sexy-azz badd chick you can be. But you ARE not ready for ANY relationships. You need to learn the JOY of being alone, as in un-coupled. You should learn to BE still; to speak with your mom and find out WHY she never liked dude--so you can learn some shyt from someone who is REALLY on your side and has your best interest in mind. You should speak with your sister, find out what she thinks and knows about dude; again, to gain insight and to strengthen bonds with those who love you. Try to understand and SEE what they saw. Then learn that being alone " ISN'T " the same as being lonely. Bcuz when you're lonely...Yo-azz will fall for damn near anything, and that's TRULY Not a good look.
http://www.gangstarrgirl.com GangStarr Girl

Girl, get some self-esteem. You should never be worried about someone who you feel looks better than you. If you do, then that's part of the problem. Look in the mirror and fix that problem by loving who you see. Confidence is sexy and the key to attracting a good man. Also, you're young. Please, at 21 you should be playing the field and seeing what's out there, not galavanting behind some tool who isn't giving you the general respect and love you deserve. You say he ignores you when he gets mad at you? It's called manipulation. He knows he has you in his pocket. Him ignoring you will upset you to the point where even though he's at fault, you'll probably think it's you and he'll therefore have you in the bag--thatsabadlook.com (coming soon). Chile, keep it moving. Focus on your career and make that paper girl. Then a good man will come like clockwork. Trust me.
DC Man With a Plan

BTW: Some of y'all will find my words harsh, but 21 is grown, and at this stage, she doesn't need another dose of pleasantries, but a swift kick of realness. You're in a burning house and you're sitting there wondering if it's gonna cause toxic pollution. Run Forest, run! smdh
brandy

He will continue to treat you like crap as long as you let him. Move on, without a long drawn out conversation, and find someone who will act as if you are the only woman in the room.

Drop him asap before you waste 4 more years.
BMW2K

Ms. Confused.

Get the HELL out!!

"In the mean time, be the smartest, leanest, most competent, sexy-azz badd chick you can be. But you ARE not ready for ANY relationships. You need to learn the JOY of being alone, as in un-coupled."

He is ABSOLUTELY correct. Right now you are too close to the situation and can't see the forest for the trees. Give yourself some serious distance and then work on your self-esteem. Hopefuuly, 6 months from now you are going to look back on this and kick yourself for even putting up with his dumb behind.
deka

just read a few lines. Take heed from Envogue "give it up, turn em loose" Your young so it's okay. got to build from this. He way be a good dude but not ready for a steady relationship.
Ozymandias

Hmm.

What is very glaring, and doesn't seem to be brought up in the article nor comments (as of yet), is simply...

Did she ask him wtf is the problem?

There is an obvious lack of communication here, regardless of the circumstances. Yeah, it sounds like its just about over, but damn, is she that scared of him that she cant sit him down and be like "yo, whats the good word on us dude? You fucking up, and im about to bounce."

Let him speak his piece, and listen to yours. if he doesnt react the way you want him to, give him a chance to redeem himself or call it quits.

There are two sides to a story, and we all know there are no angels in the relationship game. Of course it could be just him, but things are usually never so cut and dry...
Potato w/ Jive

Yo Ans, props on the advice you gave ol gul. Mine would have been summed up much more brutally but you have one up on me in the empathy dept. (no wonder my sister doesnt ask me for romance advice)

I think homegirl is holding on tight while dude is like you mentioned, mentally checked out. I second the notion that he's gonna stick around as long as she lets him. If hes so disrespectful, what in essence is she holding onto? My guess is shes holding onto the IDEA of being with him and not seeing the reality of what it truly is.

Your instincts have been right the whole time, girl! Ditch this guy. Be not afraid of being on your own two. At 21, you are young and you will learn alot about yourself. When you are ready, you will have no trouble finding a dude that deserves you. But you gotta step up and make yourself be respected. because if you don't, how do you expect another person to do so?
Rastaman

Ms. Deeply Confused is confused about a lot more than whether this man is right for her. She has a need to be validated and needy people are easy prey for users.

I can't tell if the BF is a "dick" because young folks are still working on boundaries and some of what she has related as complaints appear to me as perception. People with self esteem issue see all kinds of bogeys even when they are not really there. This young woman needs to do a lot of work on herself because she sounds like a prime candidate to become one of those women who are enveloped by jealousy and consider every other woman around a possible rival for her man's affection. That does not sound like a healthy place to be at all.

I have dated some women like that and unfortunately what happens is that their poor self esteem fuels all aspect of their relationships with men, the constant paranoia and need for attention makes you begin to dislike being around them because they constantly require stroking and validation. Its tiring and it becomes a chore. I don't know that this is Ms. Deeply Confused but it sure sounds like that.

If she feels that she is not being appreciated, the best thing for her is to exit. Hopefully it creates the impetus for her to do the necessary work on being happy with herself.
bogart4017

Seriously---does the house have to fall on you. He has done everything but say the words "you're just the mat i wipe my feet on".
Beat it---and don't look back except to remind yourself of how you will never be treated again.
pre-med

Ms. Confused....

Its better to be happy by yourself than to be unhappy with someone else...

THAT'S CRAZY AS HELL...

Im the same age as you.. 21 is too young to be tied down with a boy who isn't worthy of a damn handshake.. And the reason why I called him a boy is because he seems to have the mentality of one.

Let his silly ass go because obviously he is telling you that he's not ready to be in a relationship...
Shequita

We teach people how to treat us!!! So he acts the way he does because he's been getting away with it. Either let him know what's, what and if you say something mean it and follow through. A person that truelly values the realtionship their in will do whatever it takes to keep you in their life. If your pouring your heart out to him and he gives you some half azz comment flippin through channels then he probably doesn't give a damn.
BMW2K

@ Shequita

Amen!!! How long does it take for our fellow females to get that?

Guys make it clear from jump how they are to be treated by their reactions. And they will walk in a moment if the female ignores the boundaries. That is their rule. Even the most wussy guys will only take but so much.

But us, damn! We let them walk all over us, take the food from the fridge, cut off the lights, kick it with our friends, and kill the dog. Our response, "Why are you treating me this way? Don't you love me anymore? You are confusing me"

WTF kind of crap is that? Damn scenario got me cussing.
*sOuTHeRnCoMfOrt*

I know love can make you do some foolish things. (I have a laundry list, by the way) I understand where you are coming from. There is something about this man that you are continuing to hold on to that you think you can't live without. But sweetheart, if you really take a step back and think about it, whatever that thing is, it was probably a false representation of who he really was in the beginning! There is something that I have come to learn as an adult that was very hard for me to accept: there are two things you cannot change-time and grown men. If your waiting around for him to do a 180 and start being Mr. Wonderful: You may as well start packing. Darling, Its only gonna get worse.

been in a relationship where is wasn't appreciated and was openly disrespected. It took me 4 YEARS of college, 500 miles and his new baby for me to realize that it was time to move on. I can totally identify with you Ms.Deeply. It was that same high school/college
Drama that messes you up EVERYTIME. You gotta know that you are an exceptional, beautiful and dynamic individual and you have something to offer someone who will appreciate it. To be frank and to use a saying that we say down here is TX:

That ni**a aint worth 2 dead flies!
LittleMissStrange

Chile please....

Tis time to "Move On" like Soul to Soul.

Word.
menluvmysmile

Dearest Ms. Confused -

Please know that where you are right now is where alot of women have been.

Please understand that to love someone else you MUST always love yourself first and head-to-toe, inside-n-out. Without that then you are a doormat with a neon sign to people who are users by nature.

Now all that being said please always trust your gut, as a Woman's intuition is usually almost always right!

It's time to let him and all that negativity go from your life. Take this as a lession, learn from it and move on. Cause Trust, you are worth more than he will ever know or show you! All the best to you Ms. Confused may you find someone who truly knows what love is and have it as reference point of positivity moving forward!

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were underappreciated?

Yes I think its almost a right of passage.

How long did it take for you to realize and move on?

In retrospect a little too long, however my tolerance is very low for it now.

Would you stay in a relationship like this because you were in “love?”

A resounding NOPE.

Could you start a relationship with someone that kissed your sibling?

Absolutely not, I agree with the Man rules of NWSO, unless it is ridiculous crazy consuming love with that person.

Do you think that Ms. Deeply Confused was exaggerating about her BF staring at his own brother’s girlfriend?

Probably not, however as this is how she felt and who am I to conflict with that?

What would you do if you caught your mate staring at someone else right in front of you?

I'm pretty secure in myself and honestly the man I'm with is just human. I wouldn't overeact, in fact I would join him and maybe comment nicely about what she is wearing!

Is that the ultimate disrespect?

Nah not really unless staring turns to touching, then the gloves are off and the fists are up!

What did you think of my advice for Ms. Deeply Confused?

It is sound and full of concern.

What do you think she should do?

Please see the top of this post for my answer!
DC Man With a Plan

@ Ozymandias....U brought up a point that SEEMS to me to have no relevance--at ALL. Why, at this point in time should she care WHY he's behaving as he is? Are you one of those women who needs to know WHY, in order to move on? In her own words she said: " I’ve been noticing some changes in him that I’ve found upsetting. I feel as though these signs have always been there, but I was just too blind to see." That's her opening sentence! What else does she need to do--but re-read what she wrote? What if she sat him down and he said: I'm acting the way I am becuz I hate you...Or, I'm just trippin but I'ma be right starting in 2010? WTF does any of the shyt he COULD say, have to do with the reality of what his ACTIONS say? Women get tripped up ALL the time by listening to what a dude says, instead of watching what he does. WE know how to talk a good game..but follow thru is how you tell the serious from the B/S talkers. U cook your azz of for Thanks Giving to bring something to the party at HIS families house--and dude can't even say thanks bytch, or somethng? Won't look you in the eye when you're speaking to him? Naw shorty, save yourself a few breaths and don't waste any more brain power or energy on this dude. Just walk. If he's interested and has something to say--he'll track you down to make it happen.
YoungJay

From one "Youngin" to another....You don't deserve or need this dude. There are plenty of MEN who will take you away from him and show you what being a queen feels like. Dude not helping you with your bags when you did all that for HIM is a heinous offense in my opinion, and if a man did that to my mother his face would be abadlook.com (coming soon). Pack up your emotional investment in him and move it back home, and rebuild your self worth so a real MAN can appreciate you.
cake211

First of all, what is it with all the "this is a typical woman situation?" I'm 20, and I know wayyyy more guys in this situation than women. Its a strange epidemic, but there are many guys dreaming about "the one," sometimes more so than women because we already know we're tryna find a needle in a haystack. Some men think love is always meeting your girl's needs and wants, they'll stay because they don't wanna see her unhappy because of him. Just because they may not be as full frontal as women are, guys have self-esteetm issues, too. The boyfriend is a clear example, he may be getting with girls as a security blanket, and when they see his flaws he needs a new girl that doesn't know about his issues. There's never just one jacked up person in a jacked up relationship. She stayed with him through all this crap, I wonder why he hasn't left her either. It has been four years...

Besides that, you gave her great advice, it was what everyone needs to hear, single or not. I pray this lovely girl blossoms into self love.
Danielle D

When I read this I was like DUDE that was so me...except for the looking at girl while I was sitting there...or maybe I just didn't know. Your questions:
Have you ever been in a relationship where you were underappreciated? I would have to say yes, but it was weirder than that I don't think my ex wanted me to be a "girlfriend" to him. Like if I stayed with him he didn't want me to cook (I am not that bad in the kitchen seriously)

How long did it take for you to realize and move on? I stayed with him for almost four years. It ended because I just said Enough is enough!

Would you stay in a relationship like this because you were in “love?” I did...but I got over my feelings...I knew I didn't deserve to be treated like that so I was like forget love his a douche.

Could you start a relationship with someone that kissed your sibling? if dude kissed my brother I'd be like really? LOL but if I had a sister and he had talked to her and they had a thing I wouldn't have talked to him like that afterwards.

Do you think that Ms. Deeply Confused was exaggerating about her BF staring at his own brother’s girlfriend? No I think he is a douche!

What would you do if you caught your mate staring at someone else right in front of you? Is that the ultimate disrespect? I would have done exactly what she did but sooner. I don't think it is the ultimate disrespect but it is disrespectful.

What did you think of my advice for Ms. Deeply Confused? What do you think she should do?
I think you kept it real...I think she should leave him!!!!
Are you serious

DC Man with a plan - you are SO on the money.

First problem is WHY did pursue someone that had interest in AND kicked it with your sister???
Second problem has to be your self esteem because why did you describe your sister the way you did? Do you feel you're not worthy of any better? Do you not find yourself attractive?
Third problem is how many times must a dude shyt on you before you smell the shit? A man can and will talk a good game but his actions ALWAYS tell the truth. Trust your womanly instinct and RUN out of that relationship THEN take some time and be alone and learn to LOVE yourself.

Just curious.. was this a long distance relationship b/c you stated 'When you came home from college' which leads me to believe you lived on campus and your bf was from your neighborhood.
If so, GIRL, definitely tell dude to 'Kick Rocks!
http://twitter.com/MIAAR Muhammad the Harlem Sk8rboi

If Ms. Deeply Confused never revealed her age, then I would've easily guessed that she was in her early 20s. Her plea for help via open letter shows that she is young & enamored or infatuated. Wandering eyes usually will land anybody in the boiling kettle, but you could easily double the heat if a man's eyes wanders towards a stranger of the opposite sex in the presence of his girl.
This guy sounds like a man living the single life. He seems to have no concerns or cares in the world though he's your boyfriend. Leave him alone & like Al B. Sure go "off on your own girl." PEACE!
http://www.honeygrip.com Honeygrip

Ms. Confused.

I know you have invested FOUR LONG years in this relationship. But I would advise you to STOP waiting for a return. I know it will feel like time wasted. But in reality it's wisdom gained...:)

You know exactly whats going on. If you really remove YOUR feeling from the situation. This dude never put you first and continues to treat you like an after thought.

Sounds like it's time for you to put your energy somewhere else. Find out how to love yourself, so that you won't spend so much time going above & beyond to make someone else reciprocate what you give naturally...
skye

@DCMANWITHAPLAN

U are so on point with yr advice, well except for the part about maybe 1/2 a man falling for that $hit. I know plenty of men being messed around by their women, and not getting a f#cken clue!!!

I learned along time ago to listen to what a man says for sure, but always pay close attention to what he does, cause his actions speak louder than anything he'll ever say to you.

I think dude has def left that relationship ages ago, and is now only going through the motions. He's probably waiting for you to dump him actually- whether he knows this consciously or not.

Do yourselves both a favour, and give him his walking papers. Ya'll both deseave to be happier than this $hit u stuck in.
The Me Tree

well, I searched the depths of my bleeding musician's heart and can come up with no words of wisdom or sympathy for ol' girl. There were a couple good points made and basically, NWSO got the advice right but I doubt she's gonna listen because people never listen ("But I LOVE him, grrl!") Bottom line, all we can do is hope this sister will get hurt bad enough that she's HAD enough but not bad enough to lose her faith in people. Especially at 21! When I was in undergrad (meaning i was a slut at a suburban college in eastern Pa where there were 50 of them for each one of Us), I used to relish the "Boyfriend Back Home" scenario--those relationships never lasted against the everyday assault of a cat on-campus telling the girl: "He's home doing him." or "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" or "once it's a different area code, it doesn't count anymore". OK so I was pretty grimy when I was 18 (more on that in a minute). I think this girl's real problem (as someone alluded to earlier) is that she doesn't know her man: while she was off getting ejamacated, he was turning into the man she can't stand now. She need to leave that situation so she doesn't end up with a stranger.

Now as for Man Code (and the female counterpart), I'm usually supportive but don't automatically discount people (especially not teenagers) switching from friend-to-friend or even sister-to-sister. Granted it seems a plainly foul thing at face value but sometimes situations will arise and you gotta be smart about it, right? Ya'll know I go in with my personal sicherashuns; consider these all true scenarios (some are about the same set of sisters; in all but one, the original sister was aware before it all jumped off)
- What if the younger (and cuter) one was REAL young when ya'll all met and you dated the older one but then years later, the young one checks for you--like she says she always wanted to. Still out of bounds?
- What if that older sister dumped you for being a preppy Boyz II Men cat (complete with texturizer and singing group) because she wanted to date Tupac? Still out of bounds if it turns out her sister likes Ralph better than Bobby?
- What if your own taste changes so that the older (thick AKA fat) sister is no longer attractive to you like she was before but the younger one (an athletic dancer with DDs) runs up on you in a party looking like something you drew?
- What if the older sister dropped out of HS soon after ya'll broke up and you started seeing the younger sister after you both got out of college?
- What if they're twins and you couldn't tell them apart? Is that your fault?
- What if they are half-sisters who don't really like each other? Is that my problem?
- What if it's a threesome? Is it wrong to be in the middle of that?
- What if the younger sister thought her sister treated you (and her too) like shit and you agreed with her? Is it wrong to be in the middle of THAT?
- What if the older sister (your ex) asked you to sing at her wedding, where you hooked up with her sister (singers at weddings often have great receptions later, as do single sisters) after dancing around with her and getting lifted on all that champagne?

Damn I'm glad I turned 26...that sounds like a whole lotta drama...
Anonymous

I say leave his ass. Take some time away from him and if he comes back with better intentions, maybe you could work something out.
LJFlyydiva

DC Man with a Plan may be a little harsh, but he is SOO on point!! And I agree, there comes a time in life wen it's time to put away the vaseline and give it to em raw..

And as far as ASKING him wat the deal is, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME BABY GIRL!!

"Women get tripped up ALL the time by listening to what a dude says, instead of watching what he does. WE know how to talk a good game..but follow thru is how you tell the serious from the B/S talkers"

Once again, I must agree with Dc Man with a Plan. People know how to manipulate words to give others exactly what they want. By this time, he knows you and he knows exactly wat it takes to keep u just close enough to not leave him.

It's time to REALLY take a look at his actions, and from this letter u already have and INMHO i don't think you need any advice. We KNOW wen someone is not right for us!! The signs are always there, and we always see them, we just choose sometimes to ignore them because we're in LOVE But wats love got to do with it?? LOVE YOURSELF FIRST or no one else can love you!!

As far as the wandering eye being the ultimate form of disrespect, get over yourself people!! I'm married, and I know that my husband (as well as myself bc i notice other men too) IS NOT DEAD!! And there are other beautiful women besides myself in the world, so if i notice him looking, I won't get mad, and I might even comment on her beauty myself!! It becomes disrespect wen a man basically undresses another woman in front of his!! But that comes with knowing who ur with and knowing that if he truly only has eyes for you, then while he might notice other beauties, you can be confident that it doesn't mean he wants to be with them, because the RIGHT ONE for u will only have eyes for you!!
3g

Sometimes it is better to be by yourself . It doesn't take a whole day to realize it sunny outside/a rainy day you have all the prrof in the world. I can speak from experience I was with someone who always seemed to be messing up.I finally realized that ppl rarely change if they have hard time being faithful they will always be that way. It's a hard lesson to learn but love yourself first.
love2love

Wow.....If the stories plays out as she said. CLEARLY this guy has lost feelings for her. If he ever had any at all. He is not man enough to let her know. I know that she is sad... but PUSH PAST THE PAIN. In the end she will LOVE herself for it. Life is too short for you to be mistreated by this manboy. love2love YOURSELF
lacey

okay...well i feel as long as they dont touch. because everyone has eyes so they can look.
rwamethkwanza

to be inlove is probablly the best thing in the world
but just as it can make you be so much it can destroy you.
there is definatly nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you back, it kills your
inner self and you start wondering what is wrong with you.
you are however the most important person in that relationship and if you are not happy then it's time to call it quit. my advise, she is still young and has so much to live for, if she is not happy then she needs to get out before it gets out of hand.i know i would!
http://www.steamywindows.wordpress.com Jamila

Leave his behind. No point in staying with someone who's got eyes for everything with a pair of legs.
LOL

It is painfully obvious that he is not into you move on. @southerncomfort that is a country saying lol what part of texas you from? I'm in h-town and they are country here.