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Virgin Blues (Do Men Only Want Sex From a Woman?)

Posted by NWSO • December 7, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

About two months ago I met a guy on the way to the grocery store. He approached me and we chatted for a bit and at the end of our exchange I offered him my number. He texted me later that day, and we wound up going back and forth on text for a couple hours. The next day he texted me again to see how I was doing and asked if we could meet up. We agreed to meet up that Friday and went on a walk near my campus and had a "get to know you" conversation. He told me about his life and his rough upbringing growing up in the inner city and being raised by a single parent. I was really touched by his story.

He asked me about my dating history and that opened up a can of worms. I have a problem with being too honest and too open, so I told him about my two and a half year relationship with my ex and how it didn't work out and that getting over him was a really emotional thing for me and that I had been hurt really badly. (Yes, I know, TMI on the first encounter). Surprisingly, the guy said that if I wanted to talk about it, I could call him. I wasn't sure how to read it, but thought it was a nice gesture.

We talked a bit more and he walked me back to my dorm. He didn't try anything physical with me, but while we were walking back I mentioned that it was great talking with him and that it usually takes me a while to open up to people since I tend to be pretty shy and reserved. He made a comment akin to, "I bet it takes you even longer to kiss." I laughed it off and said, “Yeah, it usually does.” He was understanding and said that he's not the aggressive type when it comes to stuff like that. He gave me a goodbye hug and said that we should meet up again when I got back from my break and that I could call him if I wanted to talk.

We texted back and forth and talked sporadically for another two weeks in which he came to visit me another time. He was more touchy feely on our second encounter, but nothing too bad and I met him outside my dorm since I didn't want him to get the wrong idea about being physical too soon.

Anyway, I called him one night asking if he was free to hang out. He said he was and said he’d bring a movie over. He didn't end up coming over until around 10:30PM, which I thought was late, but since I hadn't seen him in a while I figured it would be okay. Plus, it would give us a chance to be alone and maybe kiss.

After the movie we talked a little and cuddled and I initiated a kiss. After a few minutes things started to heat up and I told him that I was still a virgin, which he said "made me even more attractive." After talking a bit more about why I hadn't had sex with my ex and about how far I'd gone in the past, he mentioned that he wanted to have sex with me. I kind of froze up, and he got the hint that I wasn't ready.

I told him I’m not waiting for marriage but I want to have sex with the “right guy.” He told me that being a 21-year-old virgin was great and I should hold onto it for as long as I could. (I guess in retrospect, maybe he was letting me down nicely???) We fooled around for a bit more and he was really touchy feely and when he was getting up to leave kept taking opportunities to grab and grope, which I was surprised by since I'd never really been in a situation like that before. I don't think any guy I've been with has been that intrigued with my uhm, backside before, so it was a different experience. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and said that he'd call me. In my mind I kind of already knew that spelled doom and that he didn't want to see me again, but I still had an inkling of hope that maybe he would call.

He hasn't initiated contact with me since that night, but he does respond to me when I contact him, though; I think it’s just him being polite. I also haven't seen him in person for a good month so I know that his interest has virtually vanished.

I guess my question is, did I do something to turn him off (not being ready to have sex, being a virgin, being too shy/quiet, talking about my ex) or was he only interested in sex from the get go. I know that there is no way that you can know for sure, but do have any insight into this situation?

Thanks and your blog is amazing!

Young and Confused

Peace sis,

I don't know if your situation is really about knowing if a guy is only interested in sex as it is about your virginity. I actually did a blog a while back called "Do Men Really Want to Marry Virgins? (The Purity Myth)" that you can CLICK HERE to read. You should definitely check that post out as it got well over 200 comments.

Here are my thoughts on your specific situation, though. Basically, taking (or receiving) someone's virginity is a big deal, for you as much as it is for the guy (hopefully). Personally, I wouldn't want that responsibility. That's not to say I would never date or marry a virgin but I know it'd be a big commitment because everyone remembers his or her first.

Also, at my age and level of “experience,” I wouldn’t necessarily want to be with someone with no experience at all (unless I was totally in love with her of course but I doubt love has anything to do with your situation). Plus, you can’t necessarily jump into any Wet Wednesdays caliber bedroom romps right off the bat with a newbie.

The main issue here is the fact that you've committed yourself to a life without sex (for as long as you’re ready) so that automatically forces that decision of no sex on whomever you choose to date. It's like being a Muslim man dating a Catholic girl and she wants him to go to her church and stop going to the mosque. It's a big change and you have to be committed to that change for it to work. Maybe that’s not the best example, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.

Truthfully, ol’ boy may have been scared off because he likes sex and the prospect of potentially not having it may be too much for him. I know you said you're not waiting for marriage but the “right guy,” but he has no guarantees that that'll be him. So committing to you for a possibility might not be what he's up for. There’s never a guarantee that you’re going to sleep with everyone you go out with but there’s at least the possibility to go there eventually. In the case of a virgin, however, the possibility is still there but the odds of anything really poppin’ off are less likely.

I’m not sure how far you’ve gone with your ex or with this guy in your make out session, but the new guy may have just seen it as one big cock tease. He made it clear that he wants to have sex with you, but realizes that it probably won’t happen. I assume he's young as well and if so, sex is probably on his mind—a lot. So the idea of maybe (but probably not) having sex until you feel ready might not be the most appealing thing for him right now—especially for someone he hardly knows.

Now I say none of that to say give up your virginity and all will be good with him or any other guy. Or that you need to get rid of your virginity to get man. Nah, hold on to your love for as long as you want and need to. Definitely make sure it's someone that loves you for you and not just looking for a notch on his belt. Think about how many women (and men) regret someone they've slept with, whether it was the first time or the 21st time.

I actually did a blog last week saying how more relationships would last longer if people waited to have sex. Once you have sex emotions get involved and things get confusing. By not having sex as an immediate option you're probably weeding out a lot of guys that just want to hit it and quit it. By holding out you save yourself valuable time that you probably would have wasted because you were physically and emotionally attached.

I say wait for Mr. Right, whoever that may be for you. As for this guy, he seems cool but maybe he's not the one for sex or for a relationship. The best advice though is simple: Why don't you just ask him what's up? I've always found that the easiest and most direct way to get an answer. Sure he probably won't say, “I just want to hit it” but an honest conversation might result in some real answers and insight into whether or not you guys have a future.

Do you think that this guy bailed because of Ms. Young and Confused’s virginity? Do you think that she led him on in anyway? Did he lead her on? Should she have told him about her virginity earlier on? Do you think this is a case of a man only wanting a woman for sex or something else? Could you date someone past 25 that was still a virgin? Why or why not? Do you regret the first person you slept with? Did you think they were Mr. or Ms. Right at the time? Did they turn out to be “right” or totally wrong? Do you wish you could go back and give your virginity so someone else or even wait for marriage What did you think of my advice? What other advice would you give her?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: all men are dogs, hold on to your love, Sex, Virgin, virginity

iranturave

I have often asked myself the same question, and accused many of men, of only having one particular goal, so I have started to question my own thoughts and theories. Thinking possible I'm miss judging.
But I believe when a man likes a woman, nothing will keep him from her
My question is, Do relationships start with sex or does sex start after the relationship?
hautevixen

My 26th birthday is creeping up soon, So I'm eager to hear from the fellas about dating a virgin that is 25+...
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

Either he's gonna stay around and try to "divide and conquer", or he's gonna leave it alone and raise the surrender flag.

As for the other questions, not sure about answering them yet.
shor5ty1

I would say that the your first mind is usually right. If you think he is just being polite by answering your calls then you are probably correct. I totally agree with NWSO if you want to know his intentions ask him he will tell you. I mean if you have been holding out for this long it hasn't been an easy task. Since it seems he has peaked your intrest with his approach at touching you , which I'm sure he was hoping would change your mind, you really want these questions answered and the only one that can answer them would be him. Since you are not necessarily looking for mr. perfect or your future husband to be then I say ask him cause if you are willing to have mr. right now then he may be your man. I don't know your reasons for being a virgin but I would say this keep it as long as you could regardless what anyone may say about they wouldn't want an inexperienced woman/man. Cause there are women/men that have been sexual active for years and still can't get it right.
A29

It’s obvious that the guy bailed because she was a virgin. I bet in his mind he figures, “well she’s not giving it up anytime soon, so I’m going to stop trying to hit that”. No, she did not lead him on in any way. She could have told him no all night long without mentioning she was a virgin and he still would have been persistent in getting the draws. It’s so obvious his intentions from the start .She let him know about her virginity at the perfect time. Did he lead her on? No –I mean he could have said I want to have sex with you from the initial encounter which were his true intentions but how would he have looked then? like a jerk and he would have never gotten to first base. I could not date someone past 25 that was still a virgin because eventually I want to engage in sexual activity and if your still a virgin past 25 then your probably waiting for marriage. If I could be a virgin again I would, not at the age I am now (29) but , I definitely would have waited till my twenties because I was so young and naïve . I felt so much pressure to please my boyfriend that I had sex at 13 and I regret it . I was to young to know what love is and how sacred my virginity was at the time. I would have waited for marriage or at least till I was mature enough to know and understand the consequences behind having sex .And, frankly I would have waited to I was ready. I would tell her that I wish I was a virgin at that age and the right one will come and when he does she will know when the time is right because she will feel it.
da ThRONe

Whats with this wait for Mr./Ms. Right stuff? That fairy tale pipe dream terms. I argee you dont wanna just start sexing any and everybody but there is way to much build-up around sex. Its not that big of a deal one way or the other(trust me its really not). Dont do it tell your ready but dont fool yourself into thinking there is some "Penis in the stone" just waiting for you to pull it out and get busy.

As far as speaking out on the virginity thing from day one. What was she suppose to say "Hi my name is so and so. Oh yeah you aint never tapping this ass. Whats your name"?
Mr. i. b. Everywhere

IF U DONT KNOW A WOMAN, sexual attraction is the 1ST ATTRACTION. I dont think u can look at a woman for the 1st time and say "Wow, she has a nice personality." So i wish people would stop actn like its a CRIME with a MAN BEING SEXUALLY ATTRACTED AND WANTN SEX FROM A WOMAN. UR A WOMEN, it should be understood that a man whats sex from u. As a woman ur job is to c what else he wants from u. AND IT IS VERY IMPORTANT(not all thats needed thou) to be compatible n da bedroom as in other areas..........IF U DISAGREE WITH THAT LAST STATEMENT, UR RELATIONSHIP IS N DANGER (u probly dont know it, or lying2 urself LIK ITZ ALL GOOD.lol)
Elle

LoL...ThRONe took the words right out of my mouth. I am definitely not one to advertize sexing anything that walks. But this whole "waiting for Mr. Right" thing puts way more emphasize on sex than what's healthy. Twisted logic maybe but it seems as if the people who are artificially holding out on sex (and no offense but in a 2+ year relationship it sounds as if it was artificial holding out) place so much more importance on it than the ones who are actually out there getting it.

It really is not that big of a deal. It's just sex. And it won't be real fun until you have a few years and a few (not LOADS) of partners under your belt. Quite frankly, I say have your first time with a guy you don't even care all that much about just to get it out of the way and get rid of the fears surrounding your "first time" - less disappointments and yall can move on from each other with a lot more ease.

Either way, I do think he bailed on her because of her virginity. They did not lead each other on though. People meet, get to know each other and in the middle of it all find out that they are not that compatible one way or another. It is what it is - that's dating for you. We all weed prospects out based on all kinds of criteria. One of his was the fact that he couldn't have sex with her anytime soon.
Mr. i. b. Everywhere

Nothing wrong with being a virgin. But a person (man or women) with a high sex drive mite not be ur cup of tea. Ive known women who fired men for not being on the same page sexually....... Hold on to ur virginity if that what makes u happy, BUT DONT THINK 4 A SECOND THAT U R NOT N COMPETITION 4 A GOOD MAN(or a man period).....AND N MOST CASES U WIL LOOSE OUT TO ANOTHER WOMAN WHO MAY B JUS AS SMART, SEXY AND LIKABLE AS U MAY B. BUT SHE HAS SEX!......END GAME! DONT BELEAVE DA HYPE! If all our parents waited on MR/MS RITE, ALOT OF US WOULDN B HERE. Think about that.
TC

He may have cut ties because she was a virgin, but that doesn't make him a "jerk" per se. Like my man I.B. said: sexual attraction is a natural as breathing oxygen. He wanted to spend time with her, get to know her, fuck, laugh together, share ideas, see how long it would last.

See how much more sense a relationship makes when sex isn't placed on the pedastal? I mean, it is a big deal but when that's your trump card like Mr./Mrs "Virgin," then you're stigmatizing yourself and just setting the bulk of your situations up for failiure.

Nothing wrong's with making such a personal choice by any stretch of means, but when there's no religious, moral (mainly meaning marriage) grounds behind your reasoning, then 9/10 (yeah, % is that big), you're not gonna find what you're looking for on your own adventures. God & karma will take care of that.

I'm with my man Throne on the fairy tales too. You really expect a guy--not in love with you to just twiddle his thumbs in hopes of getting some? I see "dorms" in the equation, meaning there's very little $ involved. There will be no romantic candlelight dinners or Valentine's Day with a labyrinth of presents. Do you chica but don't get all puzzled or hurt when more of these situations occur.

As fate would have it, I have a recent tale from my boy that would provide some insight on a particular future should you choose.

He comes over every now and then and shares his latest conquests with me. He's a few years younger than me, so he's always on the prowl, layin' 'em down, not committing.

Anywho, he meets this girl, dates turn to kisses, texts turn to sexts, older than both of us too, like 29.

He gets her in the bed, she's acting awkward, he goes down on her for like 25 minutes--something that's extremely rare for him, we both confirmed this. Her turn was sloppy and weak so he made up for with his tongue. After she cums, he puts on the condom and as soon as he touches her clit, she goes into exorcism-like fits, kicking and screaming. She tells him then and there she was a virgin and it was painful.

Sidebar--here's where I interjected. You go on for 29 years, being a good looking female so there was plenty of opportunities, and all of a sudden you butt-booty naking with someone you're just talking to?!?! In her mind, I guess she figured she was ready, but the laws of nature don't work like that. My boy isn't Mr. Right @ the moment. He kicks broads out if he doesn't like they're tone or if they're "too tired" to fuck, shit like that. Obviously she based her decision to go on with it on some unabridged timetable in her own warbled mind that made no sense to anybody else.

Damn where was I? Oh yeah, so he getting irrate, with the whole "Are you fuckin' serious?" growls and all that. He looks up and her ass is fast asleep--a direct result of the orgasm from the head. It was late so he said he rolled over too but he sat up for like an hour and just fumed. Next morrning she got up smiling like she was the princess in a Disney movie and when she started to talk to him he told her to "get the fuck out, I have to go to the gym."

Since then, she's left a million & one texts which he hasn't replied to any of them (she actually left one while he was telling the story, funny shit) and while I don't think she has a clue, I think she's getting the hint.

You can't be wishy washy about sex. You're either in the game or in the bleachers. Nobody out of uniform is allowed on the field. Period.
BMW2K

I think you should take you time and do what is right for you. I don't think the guy was a jerk.

As a matter of fact he handled it better than some. He is not ready to go there and backed off. He did not try to push, he is not staying in the game just to add a notch to his belt, and he did not belittle you.

I agree that sex is not that great until you get comfortable. I would not suggest just doing it to get it over with. It is a nervy enough situation and I think you need to feel comfortable with the guy and with yourself. That person you choose may not be the "happily ever after" person, but it should be someone you can look back on and feel a fondness - not "WTH did I do that with that jacka** for?"

I guess in a nutshell, I totally agree with NWSO on this one.
MR. Johnson

Whats good every one I've been reading this blog for a few weeks now, but this is my first time commenting. Great blog NWSO

I have personal experience with being with virgins and turning by back to women that were virgins, so I understand where the guy was coming from.
It's really hard to go from getting sex on the regular to going cold turkey especially for someone you don't know very well and doing it because of your infatuation with that person. She made her last bf wait 2.5 years without going in the cookie jar, so obviously she isn't ready for a sexual relationship with anyone, unless she waiting for a fairy tale to come along, which might not happen.
Therefore I suggest that she start dating friends that she has known for awhile and know her emotional hangups or date someone with similar goals.
da ThRONe

If he's a jerk for not waiting she's a jerk for making him wait. Any female holding out probably isnt compatible to me in other areas of life as well. Once again its more about feelings and timing then rules and deadlines.
Shequita

I cosign with BMW2k

Couldn't have said it better myself. I like soooo many other people regret my first time choice!
Shequita

I do think that if your trying to successfully hold onto your cookie a trip to your dorm room or access to your room is not the way to go, as far as getting to know someone. Be inventive with your dates and have fun.
*sOuTHeRnCoMfOrt*

ROTFL @ dathrone! That "Penis in the stone". Comment was a fool! Anywho. I personally think the man did you a huge favor by not persuing you any further! He could have been looking for a conquest, and you would have been the perfect target! Congratulations for holding on to your "love" (as said in the paragraph) for as long as you have! B/c I gave mine up in high school (thinking I was in love FOREVER, lol in retrospect!), I'd still like to believe in the "Penis in the Stone" legend, if not for me: for someone else! Good luck, honey!
Question Submitter

Hey all,

I am actually the person who submitted this question and to clarify the 2.5 waiting period, my boyfriend at the time was very religious and wanted to wait. Going into the relationship with my ex, I did not have the mindset that I was going to wait until marriage and in fact there was many a time when I wanted to take it to the next step, but he did not want to because it went against his beliefs. I don't think I'll wait till I am married, but I would like to be in an exclusive relationship before I do decide to have sex for the first time.
http://www.ajhayes.com A. Jarrell

Being in a 2-yr relationship with someone and not having sex is serious! It makes me question my own motives for being in a relationship: is it for sex or for the woman? Could I be in a LTR with a woman and know I'm not going to get any? She has to be special, and, honestly, there aren't that many special women (or men, for that matter) out there.

A relationship should go beyond sex. You can never truly know anybody, so I don't agree with the "get to know somebody" theory. Mr. (or Ms.) Right doesn't have to be the perfect man (or woman); could be someone you feel comfortable with.

Waiting to have sex is a good idea ... makes you find out what the other person is really all about. And if you're going to be committed to a person, if the 1st time is wack both parties should talk about how to make the next times more enjoyable for all. If you're with your partner for 2+ years before you have sex for the 1st time, and then dump the person because they were wack in the sack then you probably was never really into the person. Now, after a discussion and it comes out that you 2 aren't sexually compatible, then so be it.

As Cody Chestnutt said "Can we teach each other how to love"
Question Submitter

Oh and I think the "dating a virgin who is 25+" question was theoretical, I'm only 21 ( which i know is still pretty old by today's standards)
http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ Tunde

i think dude just lost interest and he probably didn't feel like going through the motions of dating a virgin. i believe he took the best possible approach (outside of calling her and letting her know why he wouldn't be pursuing her anymore).

i don't think i could date a virgin. i don't want the pressure of living up to being someone's first sexual encounter. you always remember your first and what if it doesn't work out. my brother dated a virgin when we were in undergrad. she became really obsessive and when things didn't work out between them she went borderline psycho. not saying all virgins would behave in this fashion but i don't want to go through all that or the possibility of it.

i don't know if it would be different if the guy was a virgin and the woman wasn't? i don't know how my girlfriend dealt with me for so long before i finally decided to give up the goods. the fact that she was older didn't help much i would assume.

women, could you date a virgin?
Sharonda

I think that one person should keep it locked down for as they see fit.Any man or woman that really want to get to know you, and or truly care will have the strength and confidence to wait. Believe that they are that one and it want fade them even if they neva get it. I half way agree with Shequita, a movie night in your dorm is not the way to break to somebody that you still wear your chastity belt. For your safety you may not be with somebody as cool as ol boi ,and will take it.I say half way only because if you find that someone that except and respect your chose and you feel safe with that person i say chill. I feel he left the way he did is,because people base some much of relationship on sex and physical aspect of things that, he didn't know how to talk you how to act after finding out
Malia

Question Submitter,

You should definitely wait until you feel read. Don't do it just to "get it out of the way", don't do it because of what other people have to say about it.

Sex isn't sacred and virginity doesn't belong on a pedastal, but part of a lot of problems in society is people having sex with people they have no business having sex with. And a lot of people won't admit that. If you had sex with that guy, and he wasn't interested, you'd be hurt. You may be hurt now, but you have no attachment to him, no connection with him. You've also not entered into anything that could put you at risk (condom or not). It's easier to get past this.

I read, in the comments of another blog, where a woman said something like "getting rid of the notion that I HAD to have sex has saved me a whole lot of trouble" (and she was in her thirties). So who cares why the guy bailed or what he wanted. On to the next. The faster you let go of wondering about the ones that didn't work, the more you free yourself up to moving on and eventually finding the one who will.
Elle

@Tunde

Almost 10 years ago I dated a guy who was virgin. I was 22, he was 20. We were together for 6 years after that so the emotions were deep enough on both sides to justify losing his virginity I guess.
It didn't make a difference to the relationship. At least not for me.

Would I do it again? Never say never but it is hard to imagine. I'm going to be 32 in a few months and unless I'm looking to get locked up, I do not see how I could possibly be faced with a male virgin again. Quite frankly, I do not think I have the patience to show somebody the ropes and sex is more fun when both partners know what they are doing. But who knows.
DC Man With a Plan

As usual, NWSO, you provided great advice and helpful guidance. I think dude was fairly cool in that he didn't dogg her out about being a virgin or try to negatively assault her intelligence in order to persuade her to give up the goods. I do think once he found out her last dude, the one she felt hurt over and was with for 2.5 years, didn't get any lovin--IT was a wrap! Even knowing she isn't necessarily waiting until marriage to bust one, the math is against any dude who isn't in love or so awe struck by her potential that he's willing to wait up to 2 years or longer. Most dudes (99.9%) ...lol.... under 25 aren't looking for marriage, so what does that leave? Finding a cool azz woman to chill with, to have sex with and to learn more about what you want and don't want in a committed, long term relationship--and that approach is only to be expected from the thoughtful, well mannered dude. The wanna be a thug dudes don't even really try to hide that they're just here for azz, gifts, a good homework helper and maybe another option for when it's cold out or the club closes without any new "friends" appearing. The point is, she seems a'ight, though I gotta wonder WHY she's concerned about WHY this dude isn't coming around anymore. By now, she should be better equipped to roll with the flow that comes from being a virgin: you gonna get a lot of FIRST dates, but not second and thirds; YOU gotta be able to live with that and not get anxious, which is when ppl tend to make impulsive, foolish decisions. It would be a good goal to meet a dude who can at least be around for 6 months getting to know you--b4 he starts cracking hard for the azz...lol I'm not sure HOW it is you haven't had many dudes “ like you for your body,” but now that you're single AND in college: every otha Mo-fo gonna wanna LOVE your body...if only for a night!
DC Man With a Plan

I'm not in agreement with those who say your first FEW times, shouldn't be special. It should. I'd wager that the overwhelming majority of ppl who had sex early in their lives, in retrospect, would do it differently, if they had a chance for a do-ova. Some hardened attitudes actually arise from ppl who know there is NO do ova, so they're not even gonna honestly THINK the issue through. But the number of couples who knew what they were doing; who took the time to ensure they're partner was taken care of and who thereafter, had a decent relationship with that person is SMALL. Being horny and watching a few videos doesn't make you an expert. Excitement and boldness don't make up for a lack of experience. Don't just get it over with. Make it count for something. Make it have meaning. Later on, you'll have plenty of opportunities to have meaningless sex...lmao
Rastaman

It is very apropos that this topic leads off your week NWSO. I happen to catch on both days this weekend, The 40 Year Old Virgin. One hell of a funny movie but also one which speaks directly to how society values sexual virginity. My favorite line is : "You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal. "

Sex is important in an intimate relationship and I believe we err most when we place no value on it or too much value on it. I am loathe to advocate for anyone else how they approach their sexuality, the only thing I would ask is that people behave responsible. Part of that responsibility is taking control of your sexuality and deciding when and with whom you wish to have sex.

As a man I love sex, I consider it an aspect of adult recreation but that is my own personal view and like everything else it is not for everyone. Thus i seek out women partners who share my philosphy and its off and cracking.

I believe the young man was being very polite and is telling the LW that he and her don't see eye to eye on sexuality. So while he may find you intriguing making friends jsut to hangout or a really serious relationship is not what he is about right now. It is probably a hard thing to accept but trust me you will live and in a few years you probably won't recall this experience.

With that being said, I don't date women who have put the "... pussy on a pedestal. " frankly because we don't share that view but I also don't date religious women, politically conservative women and women who don't share my philosphy on a whole host of things.

So I think we need to call off the Sexual Gestapo and realize that it is indeed different strokes for different folks. Not everyone looks at it the same and as long as people are acting responsible and consensual all that other stuff is really blah, blah, blah!!
http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ Tunde

@ Elle:

that is interesting because even though i was a virgin back then i don't think i could have dated myself. although i was a quick learner and had an excellent teacher, i don't think i could go through the pains of trying to teach someone from square one.
da ThRONe

For the record I would never tell anybody to just give up there virginity without some forethought nor am I saying it shouldnt be special. But why be intimate with a person if it never ever leads to sex? You can be my buddy we can hang out shoot marbles and everything but you cannot be my girl if the intimate part of our relationship is limited. I dont wanna leave your crib, dorm or whatever with smurfs' in my draws every night just so you can feel holy.
EbonyRock

I can relate to the question submitter. I only lost my virginity a year ago, and I'm 23. I understand your reasoning for waiting for the right person. I felt the same way and still would hope that other young women choose to wait for the right person as well. My encounter with my bf wa quite similar to yours. Mind I will admit that it didn't take as long for the whole issue of sex to come up lol. I think I was more convinced of being the right time, rather than the right person as it was too early for me to make that judgement about him. A year has passed however and I feel that he is my right person. Lets hope that continues into something even more meaningful.

Also with regards to the guy you were involved with. Every man is different. At the time I met my bf, he was 30 and I was scared that he'd run off at the prospect of a 22 year old virgin. He didn't. But then again he did say he was looking for something more than a quick shag.
DC Man With a Plan

lmao @ Da Throne with the play marbles line...U got JOKES, son!!!!!!
That Guy

Sex is an activity and shared interest. Althouh it should not be taken lightly due to the risks involved, nonetheless its an activity/interest... and if your not interested, then we may not be compatable at the time. There's nothing wrong with him or her, they just don't mesh on that level and he and she were cool about making there stance known. no big deal to me, just keep it moving until you find someone who u feel comfortable enough to go there with. i also don't think dude was in it just for the sex, but to have sex taken completely off the table does make one have to question somethings.. What if dude was like I don't like to eat out, that would be something to think about (you not ever going to a nice restaurant)... He may have his reasons (allergies, money, etc) but you'd look at him strange...

I also feel what daThrone and Elle is saying too.. Girl, there is no such thing as the right one.. or anyway to know until after it happens. Sex like everything else in life can't be expressed, it must be experienced.. Your doing the right thing by having your head together, because unless u want to be there, no matter how good your partner is, you'll hate the experience and maybe sex altogether..

Take your time, age aint nothin but a #, because once your inthe game, theres no getting it back
bogart4017

He probably realized he didnt want the responsibility and didnt know how to say it.
http://www.steamywindows.wordpress.com Jamila J

Well here's the thing, so many women say they want to wait on "Mr. Right," and they make the dumb mistake of telling the man (like she did). Some guys will stick around with you until you've caved in and he gets what he wants. After that he may not have any interest in you at all and all those thoughts on "Mr. Right" are gone out the window and you're all kinds of depressed b/c you feel like a fool. I'm not saying give it up to everyman in hope of finding "Mr. Right" b/c that's like the Prince in Cinderella putting the glass slipper on every woman in the town in hopes of find Cinderella. If you're going to wait on having sex and you know you're trial period is a pretty long time, don't tell them in my opinion. If he sticks around long enough with you telling him "Oh, I have to wait 1 year to have sex with anybody." Then I think you've found a keeper.
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http://www.steamywindows.wordpress.com Jamila J

I'm sorry I had to write something about this:
http://steamywindows.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/why-do-women-say-theyre-saving-their-virginity-for-mr-right/
AnonyMiss

I think virgins are so misunderstood. We all get grouped into one category when really we're all virgins for very different reasons. I am 19 and I am a virgin. Had I been in a relationship for as long as the girl described in the post, I would of been gave it up...lol. My choice to remain a virgin is really circumstantial. I don't have a set date. I don't think I'm too young. I just haven't met a guy worth my time. I mean I am in college and it's very hard to find a guy who wants to be in a committed relationship between the ages of 19-21 (or a little older). It's pretty much impossible when you're confined in the walls of a college town where everyone just wants to hook up and party. And that's cool. We're young. There's no rush to settle down but I'm not giving up the nana to someone who I can pretty much guarantee will leave once he gets what he wants. I'm too sensitive for that ish. Plus, I did not wait nineteen years to give it up to just anyone. But on some real, I've been ready to have sex since I started college. In highschool I was uninterested.I mean I have always been sexual and sex is on my mind like all the time...real talk... BUT I've always felt too mature for guys my age so I figured I'd wait till college and low and behold it's the same story here. If not worse because of the uneven black male/female ratio. FML...lol.
hautevixen

AnonyMiss, I feel you on that. We' are*right here* for the reasons you stated that's EXACTLY why I'm in your same situation at 26..
black berry

Thank goodness i am not alone @ AnonyMiss and hautevixen. whooooo chile....i think about it too...i act like a guy cos i'm always thinkin about it and wet wednesdays doesnt really help either.lmao. I am 20 and i havent found a guy who is worth me giving up my virginity too. I just think that once you have managed to hold on to it for such a long time, it becomes more precious with each day and really makes you think twice about just sleeping with anyone. You want that person to be not necessarily 'the one' but they have to be right. and i find that i would have to have a lot of emotions invested in that relationship and so would the guy for me to even take that step. for me,im not really fussed about race (i live in england where the number of black males at university is i guess far less than in the states). i am an equal opportunity employer!lol. in the end, i think its all about how you feel about that person regardless of ethnicity and making sure that those feelings and emotions are reciprocated.
guttaman

yeah the virgin thing probably scared him off.
first he probably realized that just kissing and teasing weren't going to be enuff after awhile. instead of waiting on u to give up the drawers (if ever) he will probably pursue someone whose more open and sexual. thats what i wuld do.
http://www.CANDIDbackSHOTS.com
Siante J

It could've been what scared him off. When you're somebody's first, that's a lot of pressure.
Elle220

It's not so much that being a virgin scared him off. He could have decided he was going to do whatever it took to get it...Feelings for you or not! I think he respected that you were a virgin so he would not try to hit it and quick it! Actually I can respect that. I waited until I was ready like you and I DO NOT regret my first, only that he was not my only, but he Loves me anyway! We have always been cool over the years (keeping in touch and having sex to be honest) and now we are in a relationship some 15 years later. I did right by waiting and he even told me way back when that had I gave it up soon as we met (it took 8 months, not long but enough for me to know it was he I wanted to do it with) he would have thought of me as just another girl. So be choosy, take your time, MANY OTHER WOMEN WISH THEY HAD. At least when it's on your terms you feel like it was your choice. Some men out there do want virgins so keep it as long as you feel you need to and don't be pressured, Hell it might turn out to be this dude you speak of, see if being friends (ONLY FRIENDS) works maybe down the line who knows??!! I Love my first and maybe marriage is down the line for us???? I wish you well.
Annette

I wanted to get some opinions. I am in a similar situation. Fast forward a litte, my 29th B-Day is almost here.
Met a guy while doing my Masters. He was the aggressive type. Reallly intent on taking it. Had to go away because of a death in the family. But I know he will be back.
Should I just get it over with? It would be an exchange of his experience (his about 30) and for my viriginity. Or should I be a big girl and find a boyfriend (someone I have some things in common with) and start a committed relationship.
I guess the question we are asking is DO YOU DECIDE WHEN YOUR ARE READY FOR SEX? Or DOES YOUR BODY SUDDENLY DECIDE FOR YOU? Because when I was her age, when a guy tried, I ran. Why am I not running now?
http://www.steamywindows.wordpress.com Jamila J

@Anette-Saying "Should I just get if over with?" Automatically tells me you shouldn't give it up. You when remind me of a girl I went to school with who was known to give it up and boys would date her only for that. It got so bad that whenever she got a new boyfriend she would say, "Yeah I should just get it over with." You're always going to remember your first and due to the fact you should do it with someone that you connect with. I won't say it has to be a boyfriend b/c some ppl lose their virginity to a close friend, but it should be someone that looking back be it years later or the next day that you don't regret it.

In regards to your questions at the end, I think your body can suddenly decide for you b/c plenty of people have sex while caught up in the moment with raging hormones. I myself have had moments like that, but I snapped back into reality and told myself that I wasn't ready. I kind of think that since you've gotten older your actually surprised at how many times you've ran away from the opportunity and now you kind of just want to get it over with, which explains why you asked that question of just doing it.
mike

HE just wanted sex, that is all, he knew it will be hard to go under your skirt. He maybe honest first, but he wanted a hit and run.
Elle220

Jamila J gave some good insight for Annette...Please don't let this guy bully you out of your virginity!! Sounds like what you need to just get over with is your friendship/relationship with this guy all together. He is way to pushy and it sounds like if he gets it he will only get worse. Sounds simple but maybe you should write down all the pros and cons of doing it right now and then if your body still feels like going ahead with it do so but something about the feeling I got after reading your note says ol' boy needs to go. After waiting so long you really don't want to regret it!
Zulu Princess

Hi, I’m also 21 and a virgin but my reasons for this are cultural as i come from a proper traditional african family and sex before marriage is unheard of ( still happens with others a lot though...but i have too much respect for my parents now, so much to the point that it overlaps any effect of my hormones....for now lol, who knows if I find a David Beckham-a-like in my bed after reading a wet Wednesday article
Anywho…*cough cough*
Can’t comment on why he’s acting like he is or if you did anything to turn him off
What i can say to you is you are wasting too much time obsessing on this...so what he doesn't initiate contact or is acting a bit off...good riddance i say. There are soo many other lads out there, some who are probably fitting the bill but you do not even notice them because you are obsessing over this particular situation. There are going to be other guys and you get to learn what approach is best for you or avoid being in a situation or setting that might lead to anything sexual until you know the person better so MAYBE you can guage their reaction to your ‘situation’ and kind off prepare for it or you end it sooner so it doesn’t get to that.

On the issue of being a virgin being a turn of, I know it is to some guys but there is a good amount who really don’t mind. Look at it this way…if the sex isn’t good, you have an excuse….you’re a virgin but remember the saying that the student surpasses the master ( Here’s hoping it applies to sex as well lol) So guys and gals, since some of you are AMAZING in the bedroom, I’m sure the time taken to teach a virgin a few tricks will be worth it when they give you the best you ever had, besides...not all virgins are pure x
2sexy2love

I wonder if she really thinks waiting for Mr. right?? or she just contradicting herself when it come to sex before marriage. She was in relationship with a guy for 2 yrs. Now-a-Days you can not find a guy that would wait for more than six months....like the guy that story. Not saying she shouldve giving her virginty up all willie-nille, I just think she need to look deeper in to things. My comment is towards her relationship prior to seeing the guy.
Ronnies

Great to hear about all you ladies who are waiting to find the right person. Am a virgin male. I would also like to give it up to the right person who has waited. And it wouldn't be bad to meet one right here lol. Keep it up ladies!
Anonymous

It might be because my birthday is tomorrow and I'm turning 25, but this post is really making me have a mini-crisis about my own choices. I'm still a virgin. I'm not one of those no sex before marriage kind of virgins but the kind waiting for a man to share it with who I feel comfortable enough and care enough to give it to. Honestly though, I never would of thought I would reach 25 with my v-card still in my wallet. I've had some close calls, where I would meet a cool guy we would make out, some heavy petting, and on occasion I would give an amazing blow job, but when it came down to my downstairs I would shut it down. I would explain I'm a virgin and not comfortable giving it away before knowing the other person better and that guy would basically vanish.

Sometimes I wonder what could of been. If I had been willing to have sex... There is 2 guys in particular who stick out in my mind. One of them we had an amazing time together and he was so great but we only knew each other a couple of weeks and was very tempted to give it all to him (he was super hot btw). But when it came down to the dirty, he said he respected that I wanted to wait and he didn't want to be the asshole who to took my v-card then ended up breaking my heart. Another guy ended up breaking up with me the day before I planned on doing the deed with him because he couldn't wait any longer and was beginning to feel that I wouldn't ever feel close enough to him.

So here I sit, single and virginal, a few hours from turning 25. Emo emotions.