The Death of Black Love (Why Do Black Relationships Fail?)
Last week, I wrote a piece entitled “Will I Be a Good Husband? (Loving a Workaholic is Hard)” that questioned my priorities in life. It was an honest, personal reflection and voiced the realities of one of my biggest fears. The resulting discussion and comments were very therapeutic for me (thanx for those that chimed in) but apparently the piece struck a chord with another reader as well.
A reader by the name of Othaniel (a female) hit me up with the following message via email, which I wanted to share with you guys/gals. Enjoy.
NWSO, I really enjoy your blog because I believe you are a “thinker,” a person who tries to figure out the relationship between things. My math professor once posed this question: “What is the relationship between these numbers (e.g. 14, 34, 42, 49, 125, and 145)?”
The class started to add and subtract to find a pattern. My professor turns to us and says, “Guys, it’s one of the stops on the blue [train] line.” Although, I use this logic often in my life, I didn’t use it in class that day and I feel like you’re one of the few people who do, and you use this method frequently in your blogs (i.e. the relationship between single parent homes and husbands, defunct relationship and personal success, etc.) and it’s very important.
Your recent blog topic—Can single men from single parent homes make good husbands and fathers—in my opinion was very powerful, because I never considered the relationship between a father and a son affecting a husband and wife.
The blog came at a very interesting time in my life—I just turned 29 (Saturn Return)—and have been really delving deep within myself and asking really tough questions: Am I ready for a relationship? Am I living up to my full potential? What role did I play in failed relationships and what have I learned from my failures in general? What have I learned about myself and can I honestly say I know myself?
I truly believe that a person’s overall satisfaction with ones self determines how successful his/her relationship will be in addition to many other factors, situations, and countless variables.
In asking myself all these questions and examining painful truths, I realized I’d been guilty of being with someone so that I wouldn’t be alone; holding on to relationships long after they’ve died; personal goals conflicting with the minimal effort needed to sustain and foster a healthy partnership; insecurities damaging romances; lack of communication; being too aggressive or assertive which can be unattractive to some men; and all the more common things a lot of us experience in order to ascend to romantic maturity.
However, one question still remains: If I get it together, will it work if my partner doesn’t share my beliefs or ask the question: Do African Americans have 10X as many hurdles to overcome in order to find a suitable mate, jump the broom, and maintain our love?
I feel as African Americans we not only have the basic level of romantic maturity to aspire to as mentioned above but many more layers to peel back. Once I’ve recognized that my future mate can not and will not complete me but be a fulfilling addition to my life, or that I’m not my job, my salary, my car, gender, nationality, my house or any other label dependent on the individual and level of spirituality. We, as a people, have a label that is a bit harder to ignore, which is being African American or Black. I feel this can feel like it’s virtually impossible to put aside because of all the pain attached and how it affects us today.
A few months ago, my brother and I sat around listening to music and deciding who was overrated or underrated lyrically and physically, when a song featuring rapper Nicki Minaj popped on. My brother went into teenage boy puppy love mode and proclaimed “Nicki Lewinski” to be the “baddest b*tch!”
“I understand the Amber Rose hype more because she’s edgy, different,” I responded.
When he requested that we review Nicki’s pics, Google images loaded, and up came a pic with both Nicki and Amber together. My brother basically slapped the monitor and said, “Hmmm, light and lighter—I love it !!!”
I didn’t even flinch or comment because hearing this sort of talk behind closed doors within our community is “keeping it 100;” even as we’re approaching 2010. The mentality goes back to the field ni**er vs. the house ni**er days.
I’m not being preachy because I personally rock “14 hair weaves,” but I’m fully aware that we are inundated with Westernized ideals of beauty and it plays on our subconscious and influences what we deem beautiful. I don’t think it’s an accident that successful Black males appear to marry a certain “type.” I’ve also meet Black women who have said to me outright, “I don’t date Black men—period.” Yet, I've seen them nurture and hold down White men who posses the same qualities they despise in brothers.
My question is: How can we pick suitable mates when a lot of us don’t fully appreciate our own beauty?
Our “reinvention and definition” within society as a whole feels so matter of fact and it’s starting to become normal. On Jay-Z’s Blueprint 3 there’s a song called “So Ambitious,” and the lyrics sum this thought up perfectly:
“…My type a dreams seem dumb/They said wise up/How many guys a/You see, making it from here/The world don't like us/Is that not clear?/A riper—I'm different/I can't base what I'm gonna be/Off a what everybody isn't/They don't listen, just whispering/Behind my back, no vision/Lack of ambition—so wack!”
This leads me to another question: How can we pick suitable mates when some of us still wear a mask and even worse with each other?
I remember briefly dating a “PhD,” who didn’t think he could learn anything from me because I hadn’t reached his academic standard. He also happened to voice the “boot strap theory” more often than I liked. It’s unfortunate his massive ego got in the way of any genuine connection we could’ve had.
So again, I ask: How can we pick suitable mates when we judge, stereotype, classify one another and don’t make the effort to understand each other?
If we thought about or touched on any of these subjects and worked through them individually and tried to reconcile these negative behaviors within our community, perhaps we could attract different and better people. But it all brings me back to my initial question: Do we need to work through some of these issues or acknowledge them before being able to find and sustain a loving relationship?
What did you think of the guest blogger’s thoughts on the problems within the African American community? How often do we hold ourselves back from being emotionally ready to find love? Instead of asking what’s wrong with the men and women you come across, how often do you look within yourself and your own issues as the root problem? Do you think that people’s reliance on “types” limits them when it comes to finding a life partner? Do you think dating outside the race is good or bad for the African American community? Do you think that Black love is dying? If so, why?
Speak your piece…
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