What if Rihanna Hit Chris First? (Abuse or Self-Defense?)

I read your blog religiously although I have only commented once or twice. I felt that I just had to throw my two cents in to this discussion as its a topic that is very close to my heart.

I think, in relationships, when one person is hitting the other in anger, whether it's the man hitting the woman or the woman hitting the man, that that is spousal abuse and it's wrong. In the video, it could have been that she was hitting him because she knew he would never hit her back, but honestly it seemed to me like this is the way she deals with anger, frustration, and probably any argument she has - with everyone, him included.

Now all that being said, I am a strong advocate of men defending themselves against a woman who is attacking them, not just blocking her blows, but if you have tried to get her to stop, have warned her you're gonna hit her back, by all means shove her the hell away. No, there is no need to beat your girlfriend black and blue just because you are bigger and stronger and she hit you first, but pushing, shoving, throwing, physically restraining - I think these are all OK defensive reactions to take.

As for other male-female interations, I personally think that yes, many women go buck wild on women who are smaller and weaker than them, and on men, because they figure that they won't end up getting hit back. I can't stand these women and I think that if a woman is going out of her way to be trying to punch out men in a club or bar or something, she should get something in return.

When I was in high school, I used to fight boys all the time ( I was a tomboy) because I was afraid of hurting the girls. If I went out of my way to try and fight some dude, I would expect he would fight me back since THAT WAS MY GOAL. Don't worry, if it's not some other chicks goal and she's just playing games, the first time some guy gives her a good right-hand after her barrage of punches and it knocks her flat on her ass, it'll put her in her place and teach her not to pick fights she's not willing to or able to carry through on.

Overall, I guess my point is that while I don't think men should EVER initiate physical violence against women, no matter the situation, if a woman has initiated physical violence against them, like in the video, I think it's their right to defend themselves. They shouldn't have to lie down and just take physical abuse and violence directed towards them simply because their attacker is a woman.

I am typing this from mobile device, so please excuse errors.

I am sensitive to the topic of DV because I witnessed some at home at an early age, until my mom left. I thank God she did because it always gets worse. I don't like to blame it for my behavior, but I believe I got my former short temper fromy dad. I, too, was a tomboy and would fight boys in school and I believe it is because what I saw at home early on.

Having said that, I don't think a man should hit a woman period. Inmost cases, a man is stronger than a woman, so unles she has a weapon of some sort she won't be inflicting the same pain as a man hitting a woman. My mom remarried a man who strongly believed a man should never hit a woman. I would here him tell my brothers this all the time, but when I would fight them, my step dad would say "it takes two to tango" and I shouldn't hit them either. I am all for a man restraining a woman to defend himself, but I don't believe he needs to strike her back because of what I stated earlier, men are stronger.

I have been in two relationships, my first love and then my husband of 10 years. Neither have ever raised there hand to hit me. But, my own short temper and immaturity has come out. I hit my first love one time and he gently said to me, "don't hit me because I would never hit you". I never hit him again. In my first year of marriage, I hit my husband in his arm during an argument, he simply said "don't hit me". It sunk in and I have never hit him since then. I was wrong for hitting them both, but I am so glad neither stroked me back. Just hearing their words was enough for me to get it and realize I need to think before I do and to control my anger. For the record, I never took it anywhere near the level of the woman in the video. I am grateful neither are like my bio dad or other men who abuse women.

This is why I believe there is nothing Rihanna did to justify how her face looked. Chris was driving, it would have been better to leave her on the side of the road somewhere instead of beating her the way he did.

She would have deserved any defensive reaction that man might have responded with. He was clearly trying to maintain his composure but she was more than out of line. My mother always taught me, a man should never hit a woman. I wonder what she would suggest if she saw me is his position!

While I dont agree with any man putting his hands on any chick...there are some heifers that need to get knocked out.

There is nothing that ticks me off than to see a guy that dosent hit girls, a girl, knowing that, and decided to put her hands on him.

Thats tacky as hell and wrong...

This is a VERY sore subject for me. Violence towards men from women is not taken seriously enough. Since the male is considered stronger, they are jeered at instead of supported. It is my opinion that this starts at a young age.

Having 2 sons, I once firmly believed that a male should not hit a female. HOWEVER, after SEVERAL incidents, my stance has changed. Both of boys have been taught to "put the fear of god" to ANY female who puts her hands on either one of them without their permission.

@ Alysimone

"(spefically it’s a 3 step process 1. ask them to stop, 2, ignore them 3. ask for help/tell a teacher…)"

Yep . . . . That was EXACTLY my old process. We nipped that in the bud though when our oldest was in 3rd grade.

I think anyone has the right to defend themselves, man or woman. I've hit and slapped a man before and I pushed his buttons and eventually he did the same to me. Then it was just him doing the hitting, long story short....we dont need to be together and we arent. I think certain people bring things out of certain people. Hitting anyone is just plainl wrong but you can only be accountable for yourself and your actions. Gotta take yourself out of the situation. I'm bahamian...Rihanna is from Barbados, alysimone referred to west indian women being double standardly violent....im sensing a theme here.............lol....Maybe its the island sun

@Classic Ruby....I like and respect your style!
Right of the bat, let me say I have a daughter who is of adult age and there is no double standard for her; This applies to HER and any man in her life. A man "should" do what he reasonably can to remove himself from an environment in which a woman is going off on him. However, if she corner's you OR the only way out is through her--do as little damage as possible to extricate yourself from that environment. So if MY daughter starts some shyt and is hitting a dude all up and down his face and body and dude hits her back to protect himself...I'm cool with it. She got what she deserved. IF she has black and blue marks.....even if she started it, HE's gotta pay for that..but that's just Man law, so he should expect to get some throw back from me, but it ain't gotta be no serious azz whoopin, just a smack to let him know, WE don't play that. MANY women will have NO problem saying, no matter if you're hit with a frying pan, hot grits, or whateva, no matter who started it, why and for what reason--MEN should ALWAYS be defenseless when it comes to fisticuffs with a woman. NO-SIR! I do not subscribe to said theory for the ladies in MY life/family (and I LOVE them) so you can DAMN sure bet, U not gonna get free licks off of me. If YOU don't start none--won't be none. Fortunately, I have NEVER dealt with a woman who used physical violence as a means to settle scores. And while I respect those who say NEVER hit a woman, I have more respect for those who KNOW man nor woman should EVER use physical violence as a way to settle disputes. And I have told my daughter she has NO right to hit a man, but IF she decides to hit a man anyways, I might be unwilling to defend her. It's one thing to "think" a woman should not hit a man, it's another thing to excuse her, if she does. As long as you know where YOU and your man stand, it should work out.........

Going against my initial judgment, I watched the video. What a f*cking ridiculous display of behavior. HERE is a woman who deserves and NEEDS to get her azz whooped! Dude displayed a level and degree of puss-ivity that was embarrassing and unhealthy to watch. ANY woman who watches THAT debacle and thinks HE had no right to defend himself is a princess who THINKS the world is her oyster and that it's okay for a woman to shyt all over a man in the name of being pissed off. F*ck you! No matter WHAT he said, or might have done....this chick was at WAR. The funny thing about ppl who have never been hit, but choose to settle arguments by hitting, is that the DAY they finally get what they have earned and evidently yearned for (which is being HIT) they find out "hitting" ain't such a fun thing. IF a man tells you to get out of his CAR........you have NO choice but to get out, no matter where the f*ck you are. And failing to get out...YOU get what you deserve. This chick was so fiercely combative--she didn't even CARE that her whole azz was showing while she was kicking and slappin dude. A woman who wants to take on the crowd....is a bytch in need of a serious AZZ kickin....

Back to the R&C incident, I think it is in the police reports that Rhianna did hit Chris first. She would not stop and that led to what we all know now.

Women have this misconception that they can carry on as they please because their lack of Y chromosome gives them a pass from retaliation violence. If you want to be treated like a lady then act like a lady. If a woman wants to hit a man in an agressive, non-defensive manner then she should be prepared to be handled like a man. It takes a lot to walk away from a smack to a face. Although I do believe a man should have enough restraint to leave the scene it is a lot to ask of any person.

No one wants to be disrespected, violated and abused. Being a women should not equate to having a free pass to act out.

I do agree that a man should defend himself in the case of being attacked and hit. However, defending yourself doesn't mean punching, biting, choking, grabbing in a headlock, etc.

It is fairly easy for a man like CB to restrain a woman like Rihanna, he's tall, muscular, and trained in martial arts.

Too many men cop out with the notion that fighting back is self-defense. Well it's not. If a man is being attacked by another man, and he fights back, and the cops are called, they both have the option to press charges for battery. There are defensive moves and then there's battery.

CB battered Rihanna. There's no way he was simply "defending himself". Now the issue really is how did it come into play? Were they both guilty of battery? We will never know.

I have never been in a physical confrontation with a woman with whom I have been involved in a relationship. Until about the age of 14, my sisters(4 and 6 years older) use to wear my butt out. Once I went from 5' 5" to about 6' in about 6 months that ended.

I am not that evolved to say I would never hit a woman. I have never had to and I have never felt inclined to, especially since can be as verbally assaultive and even more so than most women I have known (benefit of only sisters) and so nothing ever escalates beyond the verbal. As far as biting words, I have only ever had one occasion to go there.

There are times violence is warranted, most romantic relationships are not those times. I am not anti-violence been in my fair share of fights but always figured if me an my woman are having fisticuffs there is something terribly wrong with that relationship.

I am over 6' and over 200lbs and I don't really date the petite kind regularly but I have never had a date/GF even threatened or attempted to lay her hands on me probably because they know that I would probably retaliate. "Hit a man be prepared to be hit like a man."

The fella in the video I think is probably not new to been assaulted by his woman. That is not uncommon in the Caribbean and so he is just playing his role. The fact that he allows this to unfold publicly says he is more afraid than we could ever imagine. Which probably means that there is a worse fate that awaits him if he does retaliate. I have Aunts who in their younger days were known to go off on their men and none of those men dear retaliated, they would run away but no retaliation. Because they feared my uncles' wrath more than any embarassment my Aunt's hits could cause.

Well even before the whole Rhianna/Chris ordeal I had been hearing things about her being physical with Chris. During these altercations Chris just took it. Rhianna herself admitted to a journalist that she hit her brother in the FACE with a glass bottle. Now does that sound like a woman who will allow herself to be abused? I honestly think Chris just snapped. He said he blacked out and she said she could tell by the look in his eyes that he just was not there.

NO COMMENT RIGHT NOW.

the thing that bothers me about these "she did something to provoke him" conversations is that it completely doesn't deal with the fact that 1. more women DIE every year due to domestic violence than men do 2. it always leads us to this conversation that redeems Chris Brown's actions (she provoked him, etc.). We don't know what happened. We will never know. And all hypothesizing does is justify his behavior.

Violence is WRONG period. This chick in the video is wrong. But this is a limited perspective. We don't know if he provoked her. We don't know if their relationship is mutually abusive (ie he could be cool for the camera just tryna make her look stupid). To me it looked almost as if he was provoking her (and other guys around her at the beginning) expressedly FOR the camera.

I would never hit a man but I know that some women who DO are used to having to defend themselves. Doesn't make it right, but does make you think about why some females are quick to jump on people---maybe they grew up having to do that in their homes.

Both Chris and Rihanna are from abusive homes and I think that out of everything, that makes the most sense. They BOTH need help, BOTH need therapy. The thing that pisses me off about Chris is how self righteous he has been acting in the aftermath. Additionally, Rihanna is a small girl. Chris is a lot bigger than her and TRAINED IN MARTIAL ARTS so a swat from her vs. one from him are clearly going to result in different outcomes.

HMM So a couple of thoughts...umm maybe I'm reading it wrong but @Ozymandius your remarks seem as if you believe this happened in the USA. But the blog says in Trinidad. Now I KNOW Trinidad is in the Caribbeans/South America...but your remark about it being some "psycho American wonder woman" leads me to believe you have a stereotype about women from the US as wonder woman is a US cartoon character....or maybe I'm reading too much into that....my apologies if I am.

And then @amakacamille , I am not getting from any of the responses that Rihanna hitting Chris is justification of his actions. IMO, I do think it is unfair that she has admitted to hitting him, but nothing has happened to her. No charges have been filed, she hasn't been dropped from ad campaigns, and she has now become the poster girl for domestic abuse. I don't condone domestic abuse at all. But at the same time, let's not forget that women beat men and get away with it. Yeah more women die from domestic abuse than men do, but does that mean to overlook it? Quit putting it in categories of who hit who and just prosecute EVERYONE the same. And also to your point of Rihanna's size...that doesn't mean anything once they start picking up weapons. I don't know what all went down that night, but dude could have snapped. (I'm not justifying it, but truthfully YOU'VE never snapped on someone...never had a straw that broke YOUR back) I don't want to say get over it...cuz Domestic violence really isn't something to just get over. But DAMN what else does the world want him to do to get on with his life? Media doesn't know how to let things die down so people can recover/be rehabilitated/therapy/regroup...etc

LASTLY (whew!!!) Umm I know a few men who would have re-aligned this chicks jaw. Dude showed MUCH restraint (or puss-ivity as DC stated..lol) but he at least should have held her hands down by her side and shook the dog shyte out of her against the car!! Oh and mind you, dude wasn't bigger than she was....maybe he knew his hits wouldn't have done anything to her....might as well stand here and take it...lol

I, like some others, usually read but don't comment. I think this post deserves one.

DA--- I think you might have hit it right on the head. Like several of the other posters noted, EVERYONE has a breaking point. Some people die before they get there (hell, some people die after...). Do I think a man should hit a woman? Generally, I do not. I say that coming from a household full of men (4-2, the two being me and my mother). I say that as the daughter of a woman who was a victim of DV/IPV. Now...do I think a man should DEFEND himself? Yes I do. I say that as a woman who was taught that and whose BROTHERS were taught that.

Now, in terms of the CB thing: If he did black out -as reports say- I'm not saying it was right, but I am saying it happened. For those who say they are mad b/c he is acting so self-righteous: would you feel the same way is Ri beat HIM like that? We don't and won't know what happened. There is his side, her side, and the truth. I'm perfectly fine with that. BOTH of them were in the wrong, b/c I don't think love hits. I think that is when you know you have to let things go...

not condoning men hitting women, however, if you hit someone expect to be hit back...

id just like to note that the cb/r incident took place in a lambo that was probably going at least 50mph - her hitting him and "tinging him up" was putting them both in jeopardy in a car like that traveling at a speed like that. i dare say that any other person might of "blacked out" as well....

I believe nobody should put their hands on anyone man or woman. I feel you have a right to defend yourself as a man if a woman hits you. The way you choose to do it depends on the situation. I choose to get away from the woman because I have been in a situation where simply restraining a woman actually escalated the situation. She was trying to break up my stuff so i grabbed her to hold her down and she somehow picked up a fingernail file and stabbed me in my leg. My reaction was I punched her in the throat. I know it may sound bad but that was not a thought it was my instinct. I felt bad after because she grabbed her throat like she could not breath. She was alright but we definitely ended that relationship. Everything started because of her jealous insecurities and she was the provoker not me. Before and after that I never ever hit a woman. It showed me how easy it is to really change two peoples lives. I healed but what if she had hit an artery, she was ok but what if I had struck with more force? I walk away, run if need be and that is my advice. Respect is no good if your dead or doing time.

@ DC Man With a Plan

Thank you very much. I think I was raised much in the way you are raising your daughter, because my daddy had the exact same philosophy. And I love the point you brought up "It’s one thing to “think” a woman should not hit a man, it’s another thing to excuse her, if she does". IMO, if you think it's wrong for a woman to hit a man, I don't think there should be any excusing her, or defending her. Would you defend a man who beat down his woman if he had a "good excuse" or she "provoked" him --and she never used physical violence against him? Didn't think so. And not for anything, but again, a woman is wilding out beating the shit out of a man just because she knows he won't hit her back...She doesn't need to be beaten black and blue (I still think that level is unneccesary, as I think that level is unnecessary for men to men or women to women combat)...but I think she does deserve to be hit back...sometimes people DON'T learn until they actually get a taste of their own medicine

@ Rastaman

I agree 100% with you, I think that he was too afraid to retaliate, either of her and what crazy ass shit she might do to him later if she didn't get it out now, while in public, or the retaliation from her family if she ever told them he layed one hand on her. Of course, it's quite possible that she is a regular abuser since she is bigger than he is.

@ N2Deep

Thank you for being strong enough to share that story, I think it must be hard to admit that you were in that situation. But I think it does bring up the good point that if someone is trying to threaten your well being and is physically attacking you, that your animal instincts might kick in before you'd ever have a chance to check them. Your situation is justifiable IMO, although if you had hit her more than once, if she had turned out black and blue I would think you brought it way too far. Someone brought up the the concept of "reasonable force" - doing just enough to keep it from continuing is enough. Continuing it long after the threat is over is overkill

Growing up in Jamaica as a kid, I played rough with my friends since they were mostly guys and we all lived in the same neighborhood. I got treated like one of the guys up to my middle teens because there were no other girls our age living close by.

Nobody turned anyone black and blue

Domestic violence, both emotional and physical, is a horrible thing to happen to anyone, whether female or male. Worse, it's done by people you think care for you, or that you care for.

In this view, both of them were wrong.

Watching the video and reading the comments made me think "What if?". Especially due to the fact that they had heavy trini accents and no one knows what happened prior.

Apparently both of them went together to a party. She acted up and either danced excessively sexy with someone else or enough to be noticed. Her guy didn't like it and said she had to go home. We have no idea how easy or hard it is for her to get home w/out this guy and his car. She may be tipsy and out of control. Whatever happened, they're back in his car. Obviously he let her in in the first place. So are the two of them playing games?

He tells her to get out of the car, but allows his friends to see her and take pictures of her in her obviously upset frame of mind. In fact he opens the car door wider and tells them to come closer to get a good shot. He does nothing to make sure that they can settle their differences verbally without it being blown up and hyped up by the amateur paparazzi.

The two of them deserve to be spanked hard by their parents and not allowed to see each other. Idjits!

She took it too far when she went physical but the two of them played each other. He should have just took her home and walked away, the minute she got into the car. She didn't start to get physical until he brought other people into the mix.

Domestic violence from both sides is unacceptable. Sometimes you have to walk away from heated arguments. If you are a woman or a man who are loose with your hands and know you don't have self control it's best to get help not feel ashamed about it.

There is a big difference between offensive fighting and defensive fighting. If you're attacked you have every right to defend yourself against an aggressor. Hell if a 130 lb dude starts swinging on me I really don't care that I outweigh him by 85 lbs. and can easily crush him. If you put your hands on people no matter what gender they are you damn well better be ready for a fight. I would never back down from a white guy just because he's white and i'm not. Nobody is THAT damn special. An arguement is an arguement, a disagreement is a disagreement, and a fight is a fight. PERIOD. Nobody deserves to be anybody's punching bag. Keep your hands to yourself and everything will be just fine.

in this video u say that the guy is restraining himself but at the same time he is provoking her and trying to embarrass her in front of all those ppl instead of taking her home and trying to discuss the situation like grown He sits there and tries to entertain this crowd of ppl but instead she embarrasses him, that's my assessment of the video
personally i feel like hitting a female is never right. if ur a man and ur with a woman who is trying to provoke u to hit them then as a smart person u just need to get out of that situation instead of in the end trying to make an excuse as to why u did it. neither should a female hitting a man be tolerated either

Is it ever okay for a Guy to Hit a Woman? Nope, But Females provoke Dude's to no end's. Like somebody said earlier. In my old City if you wanted to act like a Man you would get beat like a Man. Im of the Mindset if i have told you don't hit me and you still do. Fair game. Your not just going to keep hitting me for no reason. Then when i hit you back you'll call the Cops on me. Don't like this Double Standard at all.

--Yup she slapped me 5 times.... Im defending myself. ---

Actually, you weren't defending yourself, you were hitting her back. There's a difference. Why can't people keep it real?

Why do guys want to hide behind self defense? Hit, hit back. Call it what it is.

I'm really loving your blog. Your topics are thought provoking and you have commenters who have smart, interesting things to say.

With this topic, I feel the double standard is relevant and right. Men should never hit a woman. This double standard is more about size and strength then it is about gender.

MOST men are physically stronger than women, period. He shouldn't have to use his force on a woman, restraint is the only way to go.

However, there are exceptions to every rule so, if the guy is more like Norbit and the chick Resprushka, then I feel, he should do what he can to protect himself!

whether or not a female hits a male first or harms him in any way, the adult male thing to do is to walk away. and i will give u a good reason why...Physiology!
men have denser bones that women, have greater muscle mass than women. moreover, men are composed of testosterone!!!! men will always be in a position to inflict absolute damage upon a female should they choose too.this is part of their dna, its genetic. so stop b.s-ing. we all know what we are supposed to do.

If you dont think this double standard is only about gender your crazy. As some people have already pointed out that the same amnesty isnt granted within the same sex. You dont get to be physical with someone that can bust your ass. You either have enough sense not to start shit or get that ass beat.

@Malia

You just discribed most people. Most people if hit will seek revenge. I agree 100% with your explantion of self-defense vs. retaliation ,but I wouldnt say a person who choose to retaliate can just be labeled as "unhealthy" like the initiator. Alot of people are brought up to believe retaliation is self-defense and further more it's a must that they get even(as they see it).

I dont agree with our nations prison system. But if you do something to allow yourself to get there thats on you. Likewise I would never just hit on a female(unless it was really defense in a life or death situation) but thats me. If you start something be prepared to deal with the consequence. If you know that if all hell breaks lose theres a 99.8% chance you will get your ass wiped that should be something you keep in mind when starting some shit.

Yes there is. When you lay the first punch or slap. Like in physics: for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. If you dont' wanna get hit, DON'T HIT. Keep your hands to yourself. Besides, if he doesn't hit the woman back and decides to take the legal eagle approach and presses charges, old girl MIGHT be going to jail and vice versa.

I haven't read any other comments and I know i'm late but this girl was way out of pocket. I can't believe people just stood around and watched her do that. I'm a grown woman so I don't resort to violence easily but I got upset watching this and I don't even know the man... Had this been one of the guys that are near and dear to my heart... smh... I don't even want to think about it...

I don't know what all happened before the video started but that chick was out of control! I can understand anyone going off verbally but the physical stuff is too much! Chris Brown had/has no excuses Rihanna could not provoke him he is a violent MONSTER!!!

If she hits like a man, why should she have a problem being hit like a man. Clean her clock.

I would have line drilled her right in her fucking grill, out cold on her mother-fucking back, lights out and tits up!!!

@ Malia and NWSO…sorry but I just can’t seem to buy into your logic. You both still seem to accept the exploitation of gender roles and double standards

There is no time…EVER…when it is called for to slap someone NWSO…whether you’re male or female. That just doesn’t make sense to me, at some point you have to be fair and not excuse it. Saying it’s “probably called for” is excusing it. That’s the problem

Malia…I understand some of your reasoning…but overall you seem to buy into gender roles and double standards as well. Mike Tyson may be a 1000 times stronger than me..but if I slap him or attack him the same way the woman did in this video..I’d deserve to either be slapped down or beat down. Period..

Why should someone feel sorry for hitting back after being attacked? How does that make the person who hit back a bad person you should RUN from just because said person retaliated? Just keep your hands to yourself, there is no reason for putting your hands on anyone..NONE. The very fact that you, Malia, with all due respect makes the person who retaliates out to be a bad person is sad to me

A woman should not be able to attack you just because she’s a woman. No excuse. Yes there’s a difference between self defense and hitting back but at times it can be a mixture of both and better yet, people are capable of “snapping” and losing their temper. No one thinks rationally when they’re angry so once again, keep your hands to yourself

i agree with u domestic violence is wrong on both parts like u said none of us was there in the rihanna n chris brown thing but i believe she is not da only viticim

As a woman, if I am going to hit a man I fully expect him to hit back. It is in no way right for a woman to hit a man and not expect to for him to strike back. If you believe that, you need a reality check. If a woman beats on a man just because she's a woman and a man should never hit a woman, she needs to be in jail just like a man would be.

As for men hitting woman, if she hit him first he has every right to defend himself. If he just hits on her to hit on her, he needs to be in jail.

I have read through all the comments and several just really anger me. Just because a woman might be physically smaller then a man, does not mean she cannot hurt a man. I know a woman can inflict serious damage, even kill, a man just by hitting on him. This double standard needs to end.

Abuse is not limited to just one gender. Women are also abusers, but society seems set on ignoring that. Men get the bad rep when really it is both genders that deserve it. It is right for men to just beat on women? No. If it right for women to be allowed to beat on men? No.

Hello ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the fabled Double Standards, where bullshit goes both ways!

Yes...because life is just that simple and black and white....Everyone has a breaking point...push past those and we have limited control of ourselves and our reactions...Any woman hitting on a male is not a woman. ROGER THAT