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Would You Trade Sex For Child Support? Baby Daddy Drama

Posted by NWSO • December 21, 2009 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I have baby daddy issues. He and I have known each other for nine years and of the nine we dated off and on, but mostly, we had a sexual relationship. There's so much to us but here are the highlights: We were friends; I thought I was in love with someone else but he [my babies’ daddy] always knew about this; I became pregnant with twins; they were his not the man I thought I loved; the truth came out in ’08.

I sued my babies' daddy for support after he wouldn't do what I needed him to following the first DNA test. The court drama is over now—I’m collecting support from him and he sees the twins two nights every week.

We started back having “relations” a month before court and we have continued once or twice a week. I want a commitment, he says he does not want a relationship and marriage is not for him now but he loves me—I don't get it. He also says I should have thought of this before I sued him. I told him he left me no other choice because he didn't want to work with me after the first DNA test. He just bounced, sold his home and went MIA until a month before court.

Anyway, we’re having “relations” and he's visiting with the kids and taking them to random females homes that I don't know. I'm allowed at his new home when the twins are there and our “relations” last 15 to 20 minutes top then I'm out. He may or may not answer my calls or texts that night or the next day, so I get mad and won't pack clothes for the twins (BTW he's supposed to have clothes for them at his house but he won't buy clothes) or if he asks me to do anything like babysit or anything I won't.

I think he either is involved with someone else or wants some one else and he's using me for sex and clothes for the twins. How sad is that? I want a man who my children know is their father but they have never seen us interact so they wouldn't know we were ever friends. When I ask him to tell me if there is someone else he is silent and says he dates not one person in particular just if he wants to he will. He never has asked me out since all this began to go bad in ’07 after I caught him with a girl at his house hours after I left.

Anyways, I want him. I want to raise our kids together but he pisses me off because if he told me he wanted someone else I'd wish him the best and move on. It doesn't help that I am getting older and have these twins to raise and am not to willing to date at this time.

He has made all kinds of statements like he will only marry a nurse or an attorney. He loves me, but he wants a woman with assets. He has two other kids with two other baby mamas—my two are the youngest. Help, he's not the best but he's all I know.

Dear Sucker For Love,

Let me read back something that you wrote that is very telling: “I want a commitment, he says he does not want a relationship and marriage is not for him now but he loves me—I don't get it.”

What's not to get? You want a commitment, he doesn’t. End of story. You both want different things. How much clearer can this man be? He’s basically told you point blank that "I don't want a relationship or marriage." He's done his part and told you where he stands, the problem is you're not listening.

You love him? That's nice, but if it ain't mutual it's a waste of time and energy. You keep saying how he loves you like it’s some sort of magical excuse, but honestly, from what you’ve laid out, I don’t see this “love” you speak of. Just sounds like you want him to love you, but unfortunately we don’t always get what we want.

Just worry about loving yourself and your beautiful children; the man will come eventually. I know it’s easier said than done, but you're wasting your time with trying to have a "relationship" with the father of children that extends any further than him taking care of his kids—court ordered or not.

The kids are actually what make this situation more complex because no matter what, you and this man are forever linked for LIFE. That's why it's real important for people to really take a long hard look at the character of the people they choose to sleep with, because even with protection, every person you lay down with could potentially be your co-parent. So don't trust a big butt/dick and a smile, especially if that's all he/she can offer you.

Now, as for your "relations" with this man, I find it extremely coincidental that he popped back up to lay pipe a month before court. C'mon son! Don't get “dickmatized.” Sounds like he's delivering the goods just to keep your mind off the focus of paying for his kids and giving you the false pretense of a “relationship.” Sorry to burst your bubble but that is not a relationship. He's merely inserting his penis in you. At the bare minimum, I hope those 15-20 minutes are at least good. Otherwise he's winning on both sides—gets a nut and a break on child support.

Sounds like you’re falling into a trap that many women/baby mamas fall into: “Oh, I had a baby and no real man is ever going to want me except for my asshole baby daddy, so I'll put up with his BS ’cause that's all I can get.” Fuck that. Know your worth and get top dollar for it. In the world of sex, the stock on booty is always in the woman's favor. If the bachelor No. 1 isn't interested because of your "baggage," oh well, he's not the right person. Ex one to the next one.

All in all this "relation" doesn't seem to be healthy or fair to you. I understand wanting to have a family structure for your kids as they should have but you can't force that with someone that's clearly not interested in that. Your children's father should play his part as a father but he can do that without having access to what's between your legs. Don't let him get over on that and don't keep false hope of something that isn't likely to happen.

I tell women all the time: listen to what a man says because that's what usually is the real deal. Forget what his actions may make you assume, like, "Oh, he sleeps with me so he must love me" or "He comes around for a week or two and acts like he cares for me, so he must love me." You can think that all you want but if everything outside his mouth is the complete opposite, you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak. At the end of the day, this man’s mind is set on not being in a relationship or marriage and he's said that from day one.

I want to point out something else you said: "If he told me he wanted someone else I'd wish him the best and move on." Honestly, what does his relationships with other women have to do with you moving on? You're giving this man way too much control and power over your life. Look at the logic you’re using here: If he tells me he had a girlfriend then I'd move on. I wish I knew if he was in a relationship so I could move on.

Forget what he has to do; what do you need to do? What do you want? Sounds like you already know what has to happen, but you're just not making the decision to move on. I got one word for you: BOUNCE! Let him pay his child support and have his visitation. Please don’t use the kids as a weapon; whatever outside relationships he has with other women is irrelevant and should have no baring on his relationship with his kids.

Oh, and one last thing, y'all definitely shouldn't be having any more "relations." Don’t know if you do New Year’s resolutions, but that should definitely one of yours. I hope that helps.

Do you think it was suspicious that her babies’ daddy popped up a month before the court date? Is it possible that he’s using her for sex? Do you think he loves her like she claims? Do you think that this woman is setting herself up for a world of hurt by holding on to the idea of a relationship with him? Should she stop having sex with him and move on? Do you think whether or not her babies’ father has a relationship with someone else should matter to her? Do you hate the term baby mama/daddy? What did you think of my advice? Did I keep it too real?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: baby daddy, baby mama, baby mama drama, child support, Sex, used for sex

http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

Do you think it was suspicious that her babies’ daddy popped up a month before the court date?
- YES.

Is it possible that he’s using her for sex?
- It's impossible that he's NOT using her for sex.

Do you think he loves her like she claims?
- No.

Do you think that this woman is setting herself up for a world of hurt by holding on to the idea of a relationship with him?
- Yes.

Should she stop having sex with him and move on?
- Yes.

Do you think whether or not her babies’ father has a relationship with someone else should matter to her?
- Possibly.

Do you hate the term baby mama/daddy?
- Abso-fucking-lutely hate it.

What did you think of my advice? Did I keep it too real?
- Real enough.

In conclusion, "C'mon son."
da ThRONe

I cant believe she wrote that. She answered her own questions. If he is as bad as she says he is why would she wanna be with him anyways?

What the hell is wrong with people?
Malia

This is so sad. If I have this right, he has four children by three women.

--Do you hate the term baby mama/daddy?--
Absolutely. It's very disrespectful and yet it's usage provides so much insight into how the person views their situation.

-- Did I keep it too real?--

Maybe not real enough. How do you tell someone they are worth something when they don't even behave like it? He has four children by three women, sleeps around and for some CRAZY reason she wants him? She had to get a DNA test to prove paternity because she was dealing with two guys simultaneously. THAT would be the reason she can't find a decent relationship, not her children-- her head is all twisted up.

To the young lady: I really hope you get yourself together. I really hope you get some guidance in your life. Chasing after a no-good guy is a sign that you're lost. You have two children that you'll primarily be responsible for molding and shaping and this is not what they should grow up seeing. I hope you grow, mature and evolve out of this. This isn't even about whether he loves you, it's about loving yourself enough to stay away from unhealthy situations.

Even if he's all you know doesn't mean you should limit your knowledge to a guy like this.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/marthaquintero Jenn Perez

WOW.. homegirl is Wack.. She choooses to put the blindfold on .. She needs to get her priorities straight and the TWO priorities in her life should be her Twins. If he's only giving her quickies and cannot even buy clothes for his children and she accepts that - - not only is she lowering her standards but she is lowering her Twin's standards and children deserve SO much more than that. She needs to get a grip, make sure he is complying with the child support order and move on. If she is not willing to date at this time then she needs to get a vibrator and handle her own business
StaynUrLane

Don't be dumb all of your life ! Please ! Love does not pay any bills or feed and clothe any of your gifts from GOD. He needs to man up and handle his responsibilities he helped you produce.

Personally, I have no love, respect, or understanding for any grown ass man who refuses to carry out his duties as a father. That's where you slap court ordered child support on his heart less ass.

Honey, you needs to grow up and realize that you are obligated to stand by your children, support them, to nurture them, to provide for them and most of all to LOVE THEM. When it's all said and done your kids will always love you unconditionally as long as you put their needs first...not some dude who clearly DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

Trust I've been there, have done all of that and refuse to go back ! You can do it. Stay strong and focused on your children. Remember: it was yalls' pleasure not theirs! Deal with the situation with class and dignity.
BMW2K

Do you think it was suspicious that her babies’ daddy popped up a month before the court date?
- Not really. he probably showed up once he received the court summons.

Is it possible that he’s using her for sex?
- Maybe, but it does not make a difference

Do you think he loves her like she claims?
- He might, but it does not make a difference. Really, I think this post is more telling about the female than the male. He could simply be sick of her and her drama.

Do you think that this woman is setting herself up for a world of hurt by holding on to the idea of a relationship with him?
- Definitely

Should she stop having sex with him and move on?
- Definitely

Do you think whether or not her babies’ father has a relationship with someone else should matter to her?
- Not even a little bit

Do you hate the term baby mama/daddy?
- Could not care less

What did you think of my advice? Did I keep it too real?
- What else can you do? Your advice was great.
http://metanotherfrog.com/category/skye-blue/ Skye Blue

Wow. That post was so painful to read. I hope Ms. Sucker For Love finds the strength to walk away from 'relations' with her baby daddy real soon - whether or not he is with someone else. He is definitely using her for sex and I don't think he really loves her. I think the 15-20 minute hits and never asking her out on a date make it real clear that he doesn't want to be with her.

Re her getting hurt, I think she's already in a world of hurt. I can't imagine writing that letter, finding him with another woman hours after she left his house, and not getting straight answers from him re their status (among other things) aren't all painful.

Finally, I think your advice was on point. She needs to be done with him as far as the relations go anyway.
Legion

SEX WITH THE X, IS SPEC-TAC-U-LAR(per B.I.G.)! Ay, dude just LAYING THE PIPE like nonother! DICK(and PUSSY)+ EMOTIONS can=STUPIDITY
capricorn

Just wow. Is his dick made of gold? Or money? It sounds like he doesnt want her OR the kids. She needs to let him go and focus on her babies. He doesn't want or care about her, all he wants is the booty, and she keeps giving it to him.

smh
Rastaman

This woman is being childish. She wants to demonize "baby daddy" but i am not buying it at all. She has unprotected sex with a man she did not even want to be with and becomes pregnant with twins and has to sue him for child support. He does not want to be with her which he makes explicitly clear and she is confused.

It is more likely to put Humpty Dumpty back together than for her to make her delusions real. One big happy family with a man who does not want to be with you and supports his children reluctantly. Not even fairytales are this unreal. I beleive her motivation for continuing to have sex with him is to get pregnant again in the hope that the next time he will be convinced they need to be together. How manipulative can she be?

We need to understand that this woman is no victim, dumb but no victim. There are far too many of these tragedies unfolding out here. The real victims here are those 2 kids who are being victimized by a self indulgent mother and father who can't see beyond his own dick.

The terms "Baby Daddy and Baby Mama" are appropriate here as a description of the parents' level of maturity. Both these people are physical grown but they have the emotional maturity of these kids.

In closing she obviously has no clue what love is, I will say it again it is a verb not a noun. Love is an action not a place to be in your delusional mind.

One thing you needed to add was to tell her to start loving those 2 lilttle kids. By pulling her head out of her ass and start creating a stable emotional home for them where they don't have to be subjected to kind of instability she obviously has become accosted to living.

Women, I just want to add, you can't run the streets like a man then claim you are a lady. Men don't get pregnant!!
bogart4017

I can't believe someone would let themselves be used like that in this day and age. WEomen ain't sleeping like that anymore. Wake up sister.He is using your body up AND using your time up. Slam the brakes on his gravy train.
Shequita

"but he pisses me off because if he told me he wanted someone else I’d wish him the best and move on."

OMG!!
Situations like this have to be aoorached militantly, put your love for this man aside and bury it somewhere untill it eventually morphs into a different type of love. Think of your children first, would you want them to be treated like this....would they want this for you?? Your worth as much as you believe your worth...and WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US>>>>CHAGE YOUR LESSON PLAN!!!!!!!
This whole letter just made me want to shake some self confidence and esteem in this woman!! Where is it?? don't let that fraction of a man run you with his Dick....Good D is not on recall, wouldnt it be better to have good D from a good man who loves you and your kids??? Your not even getting played....your playing yourself!!!
Shequita

And he only wants to be with an attorney or nurse???? sound slike he has certian standards he's set for himself...you should follow suit!
Siante J

This sounds like a woman who wants what she can't have with a man that doesen't have it.
da ThRONe

1st people can we stop miss quoting Biggie. The line is "Some say the X(as in XTC) makes the sex spectacular! This is the second time I say it wrong and had to correct it!

And who says love needs to pay bills? Dude seems to be a selfish dick head ,but dont act like some females goals in life isnt to find men to take care of them financially. And as long as the other person is cool with it then theres nothing wrong with it.

But if you allow dude to take advantage he will. Its a sad fact that their are people out there that only care about what they get not the impact their actions have on others. Been there done that.
EmotionalFUnk

I so hope homegirl is reading these posts because seriously she is a fucking idiot. Yes, I know it wasn't the nicest way to put it but come on! I wish I would let my child's father proposition me for sex in lieu of child support. Now how could she be so simple as to not even connect the dots that he only is trying to get out of enforcement of child support by showing up a month before. and really what is he showing up for and screwing her for? it seems so obvious had she not persued child support he would have continued being ghost like he was.

Forget about listening to what a person says, look at their actions. She needs to throw a dunce cap on her head. He's not even with her. She really needs to get a grip on life and roll with reality...she's a babies mama, you don't and didn't have a relationship, your not going to be together with the father and she just looks simple.
da ThRONe

@bogart4017

At this day and age? What you think we genetically cured stupidity?

And piggy backing off of Rastaman she is not the victim. The only victims are the kids when this kinda stuff happens. People dont know how to get past their on *in my Charlie Murphy voice* Punk ass hopes and dreams. But more so they cant get pass their on genitals.
http://www.singleblackmale.org/ Single Black Male

I am really shocked she wrote in about this and didn't have anyone around her with just the littlest bit of sense to answer the question for her.

Still shocked she thinks that because he smashed her off for 15-20 minutes a week and says "I Love You", that means he actually loves her.

SMH
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

In 100% agreement with Rastaman.
capricorn

Re read the letter again and I am still SMDH!!

Aint no dick THAT good that would exempt dude from taking care of the children.

and only 15 - 20 minutes at that??!! Chile, please.
iranturave

it would be just ones luck, you get knocked up again and the rates double... LOL
DC Man With a Plan

This was entertaining like some Jerry Springer B/S....First, I re-read her letter after reviewing the comments and no-where did I read her speaking of curtailing her child support payments in return for sex. It sounds like she's accepting those checks--so lets give her ALL the credit she has earned bcuz she hasn't earned much.....Sooner or later WE all have to man-up, or woman-up; cut out losses, lick our wounds and remake ourselves into stronger, more competant persons. I do not know how old the chick and dude are (I do not feel she can be considered a woman, nor he a man) but if she's 18 and he's 20...I can see how youthful stupidity could result in this silliness; not for many ppl, but there will always be a few coming along to f*ck up the curve. If she's older, DAMN. A dude with other children, who you have to legally force to pay support for the kids he has with you..you some how end up doing quickies with, bcuz it a'int sex; ain't dating--damn sure ain't love. WTF are you on? Do you live in some small azz town with like 200 ppl in it? How much hurt and pain do you need to experience, b4 you decide to get your life together? YOU, should NOT have custody of children. Any mother who thinks she has to accompany the kids when they're with their father--needs to get an order stating the father can't have unsupervised visits, other wise, you should NOT be at his house. Should not be concerned about where he takes the kids unless you think they're lives are being endangered. He is not your man. If you want to know what desperate looks like: look in the mirror. These are two triflin azz ppl. He has baby mamas, she didn't know who the daddy was until she had a paternity test, and despite being treated like shyt......SHE has the gall to write a letter asking for advice --on how to get this dude back? How to have a family? What was her point?
This has GOT to be a joke letter; something done just to get everyone riled up. THIS can NOT be about REAL ppl. THERE can NOT be a woman walkin around without a mental health str8 jacket on--wondering aloud about this B/S.
DC Man With a Plan

Women who think like this, F*ck it up for ALL women, and is why SOME men think all (non-related) women are stupid, dyck led bytches. This is why SOME men think if you lay pipe right, "no matter how much you dogg her azz out" a woman will ALWAYS be in your corner and at your beck and call. It takes running into a real woman, who knows her worth and value, who doesn't accept nor condone B/S, who doesn't compromise and doesn't settle, who has great self-esteem and self pride, who KNOWS how to be to themselves and prefer to be alone as oppossed to coupled up in name only, for SOME men to get real. Other times, dudes neva get it. This is one of those dudes who neva gets it, but then he's got a chick who doesn't get it either......smdh....
Storyofawoman

This unfortunately is a classic case of what I like to call "Baby Momma/Baby Daddy Syndrome." ( I really hate to use these terms because I do not think that anyone should be a baby momma/baby daddy, but they are appropriate in this context). A lot of the times, one or both parties feel "entitled" to certain rights to being a Baby Momma/Baby Daddy, such as sex when the non-custodial parent comes to visit, favors, rides, loaning of money, sharing of certain bills that may not be directly related to the children (sharing a cell phone is highly common). The problem is that these are not rights but priviledges of someone in a committed relationship and should be exclusive to only your partner. The fact that there are children involved can often blur the lines of when something is done for the children and when it is "extra." It takes conscience effort to put boundaries in place and enforce them. This women that we are speaking of needs to understand that her Baby Daddy is having sex with her not out of desire or love for her, because he feels that he is entitled to it, it's guarunteed. She doesn't specifically say that she does not still collect child support from him, but it could be insinuated that he may be asking her to drop it and uses sex to keep his foot in the door..... She needs to undestand that he will not be her last companion, and when she decides to date again, these boundaries will definitley need to be in place. She also needs to for the sake of teaching her kids that this is not how a healthy relationship should be. It isn't fair to them of the back and forthness. Hopefully one day she will wake up from this haze of a syndrome and make the necessary steps to detach herself from this guy.
http://ex-back.net click clack

Here’s the passage that jumped-off the page for me: “Anyway, we’re having “relations” and he’s visiting with the kids and taking them to random females homes that I don’t know.”

This is where she has to draw the line. Exposing your kids to “random females” is probably the most damaging and confusing thing she can do. Without (the kids) even realizing, it teaches them that relationships are disposable, and ultimately reinforces the very mindset that perpetuates the low self-esteem from which she suffers.

Time for a confrontation - girl needs to put her foot down for the good of the kids, and for her own well being.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

*trying not to laugh at what capricorn said, especially that "chile, please", but slowly failing*
shor5ty1

I really don't think she needed to ask the questions that she asked. Sit down and reread your own letter and then ask does he love you, and are you being used. I don't think you needed all of NWSO bloggers to answer your questions. You know the answers we can't tell you anything that you haven't already figured out. You have to change shit point blank. Stop letting that dude hit and run, there are men that date women with kids. The relationship you want with your bd will never be, the sooner you move on the happier you will be and if it's sex you want/need ain't nothing wrong with taking care of your own needs since you don't want to be in a relationship at this time.
Anonymous

dang yall are tuff
BangShang

I am smh! Its alot of women out here is living her life. we as women need to stop using our bodies to try to keep a man. if he don't want you he dont want you. she has no love for herself. let love find you.
http://WWW.NEXTLEVELMEDIAEVENTS.COM NicoleJvon

Do you think it was suspicious that her babies’ daddy popped up a month before the court date?
-Yes I do. It is evident that he had all intensions of smoothing things over and working his “magic” on her and it worked.

Is it possible that he’s using her for sex?
-He is definitely using her from sex.

Do you think he loves her like she claims?
-NO he does not love her, I think she knows he doesn’t love her. She just doesn’t want to admit it to herself because then she’d have to give up her dream of “the family”

Do you think that this woman is setting herself up for a world of hurt by holding on to the idea of a relationship with him?
-Honestly, she is already in a world of hurt. She set herself up a long time ago. Now she is living in it.

Should she stop having sex with him and move on?
-She should have stopped having sex with him a long time ago. She has let her emotions take control. She evidently can not take them out of the situation so she needs to find some self esteem and keep it movin. When she drops off those kids she needs to be making her way to hang out with a new guy.

Do you think whether or not her babies’ father has a relationship with someone else should matter to her?
-It should matter because she is sexually involved with him. It should matter for the sake of her health. Once she grows a backbone she wont care as to whether he is involved it will only matter if that person he is with is around her kids and how they treat them.

Do you hate the term baby mama/daddy?
-I do not hate the term but I don’t use it

What did you think of my advice?
-I can honestly say you were right on point.

Did I keep it too real?
-Hell no. If its not real its not true
BMW2K

co-sign w/ BangShang "I am smh! Its alot of women out here is living her life. we as women need to stop using our bodies to try to keep a man. if he don’t want you he dont want you. she has no love for herself. let love find you"

I had to show this one to my husband. His one remark "Men don't respect women who don't respect themselves." My sentiments exactly.
http://caribbeanramblings.blogspot.com KP

SIGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

As a single mother of one, I started reading this and IMMEDIATELY began yelling in my head, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

I mean, I stopped yelling, but I'm saying.

I'm not one to judge. When I first had my daughter, I went through my momentary lapse of sanity - "I don't want to have to deal with another man" type BS. Real talk, that was the post partum talking. I'm well over that now.

Being with what you know can be very comforting, even if/when you know it's bad for you. It's like (I would imagine) smoking a cigarette can be for the addicted: strangely satisfying, even if it is blackening your insides. But dude told this girl the answers she wanted from the jump - she just put on her blinders. This sounds more like a self-esteem issue to me. I recognize it well. It was me once.

Sistergirl, if you are reading this, take a moment and evaluate YOU. Look at who you are and identify everything about you that makes you the flyest thing on your side of town (and this should not include how you put it down or anything along those lines). If you are struggling with this, maybe you should seek out someone empowering that you can talk to. A lot of the single mother's support groups really do help. But let go of this lame. He's made it clear from the door what he DOESN'T want.

NWSO, you were on the money with this one.
The Duchess

The saddest part is, she is screwing this dude raw while she knows good & well that he is screwing other women. That is why she is in disbelief!

Homie is going to give you something that you can't sue over.. AIDS!

NWSO, you did give her sound advice but on the real, she needs to leave dudes alone until she learns to love herself.

Once Again, you can't love somebody when you don't love yourself!

Sucker, learn to listen to yourself & value your life!
skye

"In closing she obviously has no clue what love is, I will say it again it is a verb not a noun. Love is an action not a place to be in your delusional mind. "

@Rastaman- well said.

I went through so many emotions while reading this- but mostly i was just embarrassed. How does this dude love her eaxctly? He was packed and out without a trace till he got the court docs. I'm not even going to go into the whole mistaken identity of the baby daddy's. SMDH! Clearly the biggest problem here is he fact that this woman doesn't love herself.
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE

LOW SELF ESTEEM!!! SHE NEED TO GET HELP!!! IF HE IS NOT DOING WHAT HE NEEDS TO FOR THE KIDS....(ON HIS OWN) THEN WHAY MAKE HER THINK HE IS GOING TO BE SERIOUS WITH HER!!! WAKE UP!!! LOVE YOURSELF AND NOT THE SEX....SORRY....AINT NO SEX THAT GOOD WHERE I AM GOING TO PLAY MYSELF...I RATHER BE LONELY THAN GO THROUGH THAT !!! MY SON'S FATHER TRIED THAT A LONG TIME AGO...THOUGHT HE COULD SEX HIS WAY IN.......AHHH NOPE!!! PAY ME MY CHILD SUPPORT, SPEND TIME WITH THE KIDS AND KEEP IT MOVING!!!! ~THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE~
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/nosinglemamadrama Ms. No Single Mama Drama

I agree with almost everything you said, except one: "Listen to what a man says" and "forget what his actions make you assume."

Here's the thing: Some women can't hear what a man is saying, because they don't want to. They can't see a man's actions for what they really are because they don't want to. They want what they want (by any means necessary, including denial), so they take pick a part what a man says and does to prove to themselves that what they want is reality. This is called being delusional.

We need to be 100% real--not with anyone else but with ourselves. We need to face the fact that some of us women have serious self-esteem issues and that's why we allow men to treat us the way they do.

A woman with a healthy sense of self, a woman who loves and respect herself, would not accept this type of treatment from any man. Period!

I'm praying for this sister!
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE

the more i sit here and think about this....it pisses me off!!! He needs to stop playing himself as well!!! Has he not heard of Lorena Bobbitt (the woman who cut her husband penis off)!! He needs to stop playing with her!!! Of course one of them needs to be woman or man enough to stop the whole thing. My Goodness what kind of message are they sending to the kids.....(and we all know kids are smarter than what we think). Yes we woman are emtional creatures and a lot of times get "caught up" in our emotional through sex! As far as I am concern sex DOESNT take care of the children, sex DOESNT help you become a better parent, sex DOES however draw in a lot of feeling that sometimes are hard to erase!

Now I am going to need for the young lady to surround herself with POSITIVE women who can help her uplift herself!!!

Last thing WHAT HAPPEN WHEN THE SEX GETS OLD?

GIVE ME MY MONEY AND GET GO THE HELL HOME!!! (LOL)
none

Yes he asked for the support payments to be stopped . No I didn't and got back child support too even after he came back and we had sex . Yes I felt played to a certain extent but I didn't do anything I didn't want to do . Yes I wrote this and knew the response would be brutal . Yes I have since changed my way of thinking and hoping it would work out but it's not ment to be this I do get . We started out an friends he was my best friend so to speak the sexual relationship didn't start until my relationship with the other man ended but because I moved on and stayed away he wanted a DNA test I mentioned there were two because we did one at home and he requested another for the embrassment factor . What else can I say but Wow that's what I expected from you all after putting it out there . The men that commented really helped alot Thanx . We have two wonderful kids together he refuses to work with me he attempts to pressure me to do or see things his way . I get it though and will move forward with the courage and the advise given in mind .
keiana

Sweetie give it up he has no good intentions and another thing sleeping with him and he's sleeping with others your taking a risk if your not using protection please don't do it.......
Cali

First, I'd like to say that this is a interesting post. I'm glad that was a topic that people really do struggle with on day to day bases. So Qudoz NWSO for posting this one.

Now about oh girl.......Hmmmmm.....Ok, I understand her love for the babydaddy, & how you want to make it work for yourself & the kids, and blah! blah! blah! But the whole point is being missed. The thing is he might care for her, but I don't believe he loves her. Cause u see a man a real man that says they love you and mean it, would be right there with you helping you every step of the way in raising YOU ALL's kids. But since she's alone and struggling to be both parents that ain't worth a damn. Let that fool go on about his way. I had to come to that realization with my son's father. Yeah he calls everyday with his I love you, I miss you, I want you forever BULLSHIT! All that ish goes n one ear & out the other. Cause if he really loved me we would be raising our child, spending our life TOGETHER. So now I hit him wit the Alpha Phi Fuckem. I don't let him stop me from doing anything in my life men included. I expect me Child Support payment by the fifth of every month. We have a verbal agreement that has been working out the past 2 1/2 yrs. But let him slip up and I don't receive it, he won't have to worry about sending another dime, cause after that it will all be in the states hands.
As far as sex goes like I said, Alpha Phi Fuck'em- meaning if I feel like fuckn wit him I will & if I don't I simply go on about my business. Sex may always be an emotional rollcoaster with the BD, but as long as you realize your in control and take charge of the situation of whats going on you shouldn't have a problem.

**Be strong ladies when it comes to those SD (Sperm Donors) aka BD you are in control of your life.
ATAlien

I think you gave her great advice but will she listen? I am in a similiar situation in the fact that I have twins but I never, even before they were born, thought he would make a good father or partner. I saw once I was PG that he was not acting the way I needed him too so I told him it was over before they were born. I understand how she feels but she is playing herself. All the time and energy she is spending focused on him is taking away from her and what she can accomplish. I wish women would realize their worth and not settle, as long as some of us settle it pust all women in a bad position. Take it from me - I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF!
Kay

I had a very similiar situation with my daughter's father. I was going through some personal things and did not feel that great about myself. I know a lot of females who fall into this same situation. I think a lot of it has to do with self worth and their comfort zone. A lot of woman are too damn comfortable with their damn "baby daddy" and don't want to start new. The best decision I made was leaving my daughter's father alone because I was able to focus on myself and be the best mother I know how to be. I think your advice was right on point. That's what this world needs, more honest people. By the way I hate the term "baby daddy" but it is what it is.
KFri

You definitely kept it real with her. You told her some things that she already knew but was too stupid to actually see it. I don't get why some females get so hooked on guys that they already know don't really want them. I feel like she is gonna continue to sleep with ol' dude "babydaddy" even though all this advice has been given to her. I feel like she should just let him be the babydaddy and move on with her life so she can experience what she really wants which to be happy with a man that wants the same thing she wants in life. Homegirl has to realize that he ain't the one but also know that there is someone out there better than him.
TNTY

This might be WAY out of left field but maybe she has herpes or some other disease she can't get rid of and doesn't want to explain. I have a friend that is BEAUTIFUL and burning. Her dude talks to her like a f-n dog and she takes it cuz she thinks she can't get anyone else. She doesn't want to date anyone else cuz she's ashamed to admit her condition so she takes his bs. I really can't imagine any other reason that she is settling for homie's "love".