Do You Need Titles in a Relationship? (Love & Happiness)
Dear NWSO,
I've been in an "exclusive" relationship (meaning we’re not seeing other people, but we are not BF/GF yet) for a little over a year, but my “companion” hasn’t made any moves to take it a step further by putting a title on it or asking to be in a more committed relationship. When we first met, we discussed what we were looking for and marriage was on both of our lists—although we weren't saying that it was a done deal between us.
Every few months I would ask him if we were progressing and if he wants more. His response in the beginning was that he has certain tests that people he dates must pass. He also mentioned that it takes him a while to develop feelings. Now, his response is more like, "What do you think?" or "When are you going to flash on me?"
Lately, I try not to bring it up because I’m completely happy in every other aspect but I really don't understand why he's making me wait so long. He has mentioned before that he has dealt with some crazy chicks and that's one of the reasons that I've remained patient because I think he is just taking his time to figure out if I’m crazy or something. But he says I passed all the tests and he cares about me a lot.
I don't understand it because we act like a couple—we talk every night, I've met his mother, friends and family, plus we spend all of our extra time together. Even all of the actions and future talk is there. I've brought him around my child, my family and I'm falling in love with him or am already there.
We are both in our thirties and although I’m not ready for marriage yet, I don't want to feel like I have to wait five years for that step to take place (if it goes in that direction) because he is slow to commit. I also don't believe in ultimatums, so I haven't pushed the issue of wanting a more serious relationship too often.
I know that not totally understanding why he hasn't asked for more is what is making me question everything. Plus, I'm scared of being hurt, as well as wasting time.
My questions are:
Should I be patient and wait it out because I'm happy? Do I need to stop asking if we are progressing? Does it seem as if he isn't interested in committing? Should I get over the title thing and be content with exclusivity? Am I wasting my time by possibly being a space filler? Should I pull away and see how he reacts? How do you feel about testing people during the dating phase? Is exclusive the same as BF/GF when you are in your 30's? Does it usually take men this long to commit?
Any other advice would be appreciated from you and your readers.
Sincerely,
Waiting for a Lil' More
Peace sis,
Before I really get into your questions; one of the first things I noticed is the fact you called this man your "companion," which seems so flat and stale for someone you care about. I think the terms we use to describe the people we are dealing with can be very telling. Companion sounds like the Lone Ranger (remember him?) and his trusty stead, Silver, more than someone you've been spending quality time with for the past year.
Or maybe you used that term because of your own uncertainty about where you guys stand in terms of a title. If that’s the case, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one. I just know I wouldn't want to commit to someone that considers me their "companion." LOL. I'm actually curious as to what he calls you? Again, his choice of description for you can be very telling of how he views you and the relationship.
As for the status of the relationship and a title issue, I'm on the fence with that one. I'm a very slow mover myself in terms of dating and titles, as are a lot of guys. It's a matter of liking your freedom and enjoying the company of someone special while still feeling them out. Problem is, a lot of guys have no issue with just going with the flow. Most women will site the phrase, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” but not every man looks at it that way.
I dated a woman off and on for several years with no clear title. I cared for her deeply but for whatever reason I saw no need for putting a label on our relationship. We were cool in our space—at least I was—so things stayed in that comfortable grey area until it was no longer mutually beneficial.
In my case, I was in a semi-open relationship but based on what you say you guys are "exclusive" (as far as you know). If that's the case, this is really a matter of semantics. If y'all are only sleeping together, have met family, speak everyday, etc and everything is rosy, you basically are boyfriend/girlfriend in my book without the title. You’re in what I like to call a pseudo-relationship. Everything is there but homeboy is just scared to put a title on it for whatever reason.
Don’t get me wrong; I can definitely see how that can be frustrating.
From my own experience, he won't make a decision about a title for y’all until he's good and ready. So it's up to you to be happy with being undefined or happier looking elsewhere for a commitment.
Now, you mentioned all these tests that he has that you have already passed—which adds even more confusion to the mix as to why he won't commit if you fit his criteria. But I have a question for you: What tests do YOU have for this man? Really analyze him and figure out if this is someone you want to devote anymore of your time and energy just for a possibility of commitment. Maybe when you do your own test you'll discover he isn't even BF material or quite possibly you might find that he’s worth the wait. Either way, only you will know for sure.
Here’s another question for you: When you ask him about the evolution of the relationship and he responds with "What do you think?" Well, what do you think? I'd really be interested to know what those dialogues are like beyond what you laid out in your letter and what you're thoughts/responses are regarding all of this.
You say you're happy and he treats you well so part of me is like leave well enough alone and be happy. But the fact that this is of concern to you and you have some sort of timeline of when things should move forward or move apart it’s clear that this is not the best situation for you. Being a woman in her 30s, I understand the idea that there's no point of engaging in a relationship that has no future, as you have less time to "waste."
I did a blog back in 2008 called “Six Degrees of Desperation (What Man Wants That?)” about a friend of mine that had this rule about not dating a man longer than three months because she wanted to get married. She believed that 90 days was more than enough time to make that assessment and move on.
At the time I thought it was quite silly—especially since she was only in her late 20s—but I can see SOME merit to that line of thinking now. Some people find themselves dealing with someone just because or they realize they're not compatible with someone long term but still deal with them anyway. My homegirl's approach, although extreme, did cut some of that “wasted” time with someone that's not you're "one."
In terms of this guy waiting to see if you might be "crazy" I think he's had ample time to make that determination already. He just sounds scared to me.
You also said you're falling in love with him or almost there. Which is it? Either way you should be in love already if you're considering a commitment and potentially marrying this man one day. You're worried about why he hasn't asked you for something more serious and you aren't in love with him yet? I think you need to clarify you're own feelings towards him to see if you yourself even want/need a commitment from him or if you should cut your loses.
If you're not ready for marriage yet then what are you looking for at this point from further commitment? Just a title of BF/GF? For a long engagement? Of course you shouldn't wait around for five years but I'm hearing conflicted views in your letter.
At the end of the day, do what feels right for you. If you're truly happy as is sit back and enjoy the ride; if existing in an undefined space doesn't work for you then make your own moves to change that. He can either walk with you or walk away.
As for your list of questions: I think I’ve answered most already but if you’re actually progressing that's good and hopefully in time you'll be at the same place. But if you're not moving forward and things are stagnant, albeit happy, again it's up to you on what you want/need to do.
"Is exclusive the same as BF/GF when you are in your 30's?" Eh, it all depends on the individuals and what the various titles mean to them. As long as y'all are in agreeance on where y’all stand that's all that really matters. And every man is different, so there's no clear-cut answer on if "all men" take this long to commit but yours most certainly does.
Hope this helped.
How important is a title to you when it comes to relationships? Could you stay with someone exclusively that made you happy in every way but just wouldn’t claim you? Do you think this guy is playing games or is just scared? What are your thoughts on people that have “tests” for prospective mates? Would you be offended if someone you were seeing referred to you as their “companion?” What do you think this reader should do? What did you think of my advice?
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