Do Aggressive Women Get More Dates? (She Asked Him Out)

0 Posted by - February 26, 2010 - Real Life, Real Talk, Relationships, Love & Marriage

Flirting hater

A lot of women often complain about not being able to find a good man or only being approached by jerks. A while back I suggested that the ladies just flip the script and actually do the asking out. For the most part, female readers balked at the idea because they were just too scared of rejection.

**Boo hoo**

Men are simple, all you have to do is smile to get a man’s attention and he’ll be putty in your hands.

Don’t believe me? Well, I saw it firsthand last night.

The train was exceptionally crowded as I made my way home, but I still managed to snag my usual post against the closed doors. I pulled out my BlackBerry and I immediately began catching up on my NWSO emails for the day. (I told y’all I read them all).

Although I’m often lost in my own digital world, I always keep track of my surroundings—this is New York City after all. As the train got ready to pull into the Atlantic Ave. station I noticed this attractive woman, who appeared to be of Indian descent, trying to get past the woman in front of her.

The train wasn’t even out of the tunnel yet so I wondered why the woman was so pressed to make her way through the crowded car. Instead of heading in the direction of the doors that would actually open, she was headed towards my side of the train.

With a beaming smile, she extended her hand across two other men to boldly offer up her business card to the Asian man directly to my right.

“Call me,” she stated matter-of-factly, before turning around to exit the train.

At first I thought the Asian fella was an old acquaintance she spotted right before her stop, but one of the two bewildered men that had witnessed the exchange, inquired: “Do you know her?”

“No,” responded the Asian gentleman.

“Wow,” said the inquisitive stranger. “That was like something out of a movie.”


I give that woman mad respect. She saw something she wanted and went after it. The ball was now in ol’ boy’s court to call or not. Chances are he will—if he hasn’t already.

Shoot, they might even have a Wet Wednesdays worthy episode in their futures.

See, now was that so hard? Any woman that looks halfway decent could just as easily do the same thing. Not for nothing, the guy wasn’t even that cute, IMHO. It’s not like I’d know what a woman found appealing in another man anyway but the point is, the worst thing that could happen is dude doesn’t call. Even if he doesn’t, the woman could be rest assured that she at least made an effort to meet a man she found attractive.

Based on my eavesdropping, she also scored brownie points from the other men on the train.

“Man, that was so cool,” commented the tall Caucasian gentleman, who saw the whole thing go down. “She just handed you her card and said, ‘Call me.’ That just doesn’t happen every day.”

“Nah, not at all.”

“Are you going to call her?”

“Yeah, I have to.”

Stand clear the closing doors…

Ladies, would you have enough gumption to approach a man on the street? Or would you rather rely on coy eye contact and hope that he approached you? How’s that working out for you and your dating life? Do you feel it’s “unladylike” to approach a man like this woman did? Would you be able to handle the disappointment if the man you gave your number to never called? Fellas, does an aggressive woman turn you on? Would you think she was “easy” or just a woman that knew what she wanted? Do you think dating would be easier if more women were aggressive?

Speak your piece…


  • Classic Ruby

    I guess if I had the problem of not getting hit on or only getting the jerks then I would take matters into my own hands. But since that hasn’t happened *shrugs* I prefer to have the men flock to me lol ;-)

    I don’t think its unladylike or whatever other foolishness for a woman to be a aggressive in getting what she wants, in her love life or otherwise. And if a man who you have put yourself out there for doesn’t feel flattered and jump at the opportunity to get with a woman who is so self-confident, grounded, and sure of what she wants in life, then he’s an ass who doesn’t deserve her.

    I’m a coy eye contact woman…at the beginning. But I also prefer to take a man’s number if I truly am interested and make that first contact/date. A) because I don’t want a bunch of randoms or crazies to have my phone number (ergo I make the first few dates normally, with call privacy set) and B) because I’m a busy woman and seriously am not the ‘sitting at home agonizing if cutie pie will call me’ type. I would feel like such a schmuck.

    …i like the word schmuck!!! lolol (I think it’s late and I should go to bed after that…but I just had to get my late night snack of NWSO first!!!)

  • bunnylovett

    See…those guys thought that was cool but do you really think that guy went home and called her?? I bet after he got off the train he thought about it and talked himself out of it. Now he’s on the look out making sure he doesn’t run into her again, changing up his schedule a little bit and everything. I think guys like the idea of a forward/aggressive woman but at the end of the day they don’t want to deal with that every day. Some are willing to roll the dice and some aren’t- i think most aren’t…So, to answer your question, I think aggressive women get more dates because they put themselves in the position more often to potentially date more people but I don’t think their date yield is all that high…

  • miss cocoa luv

    I don’t know anything anymore when it comes to these menfolks. On the one hand they like a woman to take charge then when you do, they go mia or just act weird. I can’t call it. I’ve definitely been one to step to a guy if I was feeling him tho, that’s just how I roll. Lol. But he’d have to appear to be something special.

  • sunshyne84

    You have to be real confident to do something like that. Hope that works out for them! lol I doubt I will ever approach a random guy just cuz he’s cute. I tend to scope out a guy over time and try to find things out about him then kinda get in where I can fit in. I’d make small conversation and get to know him a little, then try to make it known that I’m interested. If he is then he’ll make a move right? if not then I’m not to let down cuz I didn’t put myself out there by being too forward.

    I think most guys mean the bedroom when they say they want an aggressive girl anyway. They probably act weird because they are so used to making the first move, they probably feel like the girl in the situation. lol It throws them off a little.

  • Flyness

    Great article and kudos to the Indian Woman. “Namaste” :) However, VERY FEW WOMEN have the balls (or “ovaries”) to approach a man of interest in that fashion. As much as women like the idea of claiming to be “Independent” and “All Powerful”, there are a few things that many women cannot let go of. This is one of them.

    It takes a lot of gall on the woman’s behalf to approach a man to this degree. As was said by a previous poster, she must be very confident–confident enough to know that his reaction to her advance doesn’t matter. Many females cannot handle rejection. In this p*ssy-whipped society, I cannot say I blame them.

    Until more women step up to the plate, it’s up to them to express interest (or “choose”) in the typical manner: a smile, sideways glance, brushing against the shoulder, getting in his proximity, asking a roundabout question, and most of all, eye contact. And it’s up to us fellas to learn and react accordingly.

    Great post!

    Flyness (@Flyness)

  • MartinJD

    Interesting piece, and I enjoyed the writing.

    *Ahem* I’d love for a woman to do something like this above. And YES, that man called her that same night. I would have! The immense mystery created by her voluntary disruption of my space to present herself and state her interest is intriguing. Who wouldn’t call??! I think that’s sexy. When I say aggressive woman, I mean direct: socially and in bed (sometimes).

    What would be even sexier is if she plays her hand correctly. That is, he calls, they talk, they meet, and she allows him to be a man on their first date (ie chivalrous). She falls back from the direct woman who was on the train and allows her femininity to massage his actions and male ego (the soft sale…every man loves a “soft” sale). You already know I want it, just allow me to get to it without keeping yourself totally away or shoving yourself down my throat. Easier said than done I suppose…but some women do so well at it.

    Would dating be easier if more women were aggressive? No, it would be harder to keep a man from thinking he was going to have sex really really soon with you. But being direct: yes. If you tell a man what you want and expect from the outset, dating will be easier for everyone, and you’d weed out the “quick hits” from the “interested in your heart and mind” guys easier…methinks.

  • mizze

    I have approached men before. I mean, OF COURSE there is that fear of rejection but men do it all the time when it comes to approaching women- especially some of the women I KNOW. If yo shoe-strings aint tied a certain way they dont talk to you (sorry, they are gorgeous so they have that option lol). I used to be really afraid to do it because of that rejection factor, but you just got go after what you want.

    to me, its like a job- you want to have the best one, so you go after it. You know that there are other people eyeing the same position, you have to present yourself as someone they want to hire, and there is a possibility you dont live up to the standards they are looking for. BUT YOU STILL GO AFTER IT. You dont just settle (well, some do) for McDonalds if you know you are qualified to work at Edward Jones.. Thats the way I had to look at it.

    Everyone gets rejected at some time in their life.. I dont have to do it hardly because, like Ruby, I have men approach me with no problem. However, if there was a guy that I wanted and who wasnt coming over, I would go over to him- start talking about dumb stuff and trying to drop hints.. USUALLY, they would end up the one getting my number, but there have been a couple times where I had to just go full force and ask for theirs.

    I do think its not usual, but unladylike? No. I think it takes a confidant woman to do it and be self-assured to handle rejection, if it comes. I have given my number to guys that did not call me, and I have given my number to guys who i KNEW i wouldnt answer the phone for.. it all goes around

  • lola289

    Wish I was that confident……. :-/
    I think if the stars are aligned properly and the wind is just right ‘HellsYeah!’
    But asking anyone out is major tricky.
    The Indian lady was smart to give him the card and leave… I like that…gotta try that!
    But anyway It still is very difficult… I was once put in the friendship zone becuz of it. lol!
    I guess you gotta know:
    what to say…do… and how to escape properly. lol!
    And with all that there still is a 50/50 chance…
    sigh… this is too damn stressful! smh.

  • Sherell

    There are so many variables. I am not adverse to approaching a man and saying give me a call and leaving. (No repeated attemps!!!!) I. have not done it much. I do not think it is unlady like, particularly if you may not see that person again. It’s how you respond after that makes a difference. When I did do it, I had mixed results. 1) You realize afer the first conversation its a no go, wrong intentions, boring as hell!, just not what you expected…etc. 2)You meet an interesting prospect; 3)They do not call, which is cool because you never no a person’s situation.

    The example was not so much aggressive IMO. She saying contact me, that’s all. When I thik of aggressive woman I think of woman who chase a man down. One approach to show interest is cool!

  • Multiple

    There was a guy that I had locked eyes with on the train. I saw him a few more times before I gave him my number. No conversation before hand, just walked up to him, handed him the note, smiled and walked away. We had been eyeballing each other and I felt confident enough that he was interested, maybe a bit shy.

    The note was simple. I wrote “My name ____, my number is ____. I want to get to know you. If you want to get to know me, call me”

    He called that night and we are still seeing each other.

    In other instances I have been the one to make that move…nothing ventured…nothing gained.

    Great post…as always :)

  • Multiple


    Sometimes I think that when some men ( I won’t say all but a large group) think an aggressive woman is a freaky woman, because she is self assured, be more open minded, inhibited. Some think that if a woman is freaky she will have sex on the brain.

    I don’t understand it. I have told men over and over again that just because I know what I want and I am prepared to make an effort to go after it doesn’t mean all I want is a freakfest, lol

  • Multiple


    I like that you pointed out that aggressive behavior really is a woman/man that is being more blatant with the attempts of showing interest.

    @Othaniel Cruickshank

    Yes assertiveness is a much better word. A few men have been intimated by me and that’s why we never had a thing. ;)

  • rwifey

    I’m too shy and no, its not working out well for me

    Work in progress

  • Lex

    I always wondered what mean really thought of aggressive women. I am aggressive and typically if I see something that I want, i will most likely make some form of contact.
    I recently “approached” a man via leaving a note and everything was cool for the most part. But then one day on the phone he was like “that swagger had you leaving notes” and would say sexual inuendos that came across as if he thought i was trying to drop panties. I was like ummmm No. I geniunely just wanted to meet him and get to knw him (cuz he was very hard to catch up with or see in the streets), and you give me a cocky response like that! I fell back after that…That comment made me wonder did my agressiveness automatically give assumptions that i want to give up my panties? Makes me not want to approach any one if that is what will be assumed…people claim they like agressiveness yet assume a female is sweating them…i don’t get it…

  • Sweetness

    @ mizze “You dont just settle (well, some do) for McDonalds if you know you are qualified to work at Edward Jones..”

    I love it. I’m going to start looking at it that way too. Thanks!

  • Othaniel Cruickshank

    I really like this topic because my friends and I discuss at length. They think a woman shouldn’t be so forward and I disagree. I think if you want something go for it / work at it ; Job, man, raise, business, happiness, house, knowledge, etc. no ones going to knock at your door hand delivering all your wants and needs in a nice bow. The woman in the post above is assertive not aggressive which is negative.

    I applaud her and think women should approach men they’re interested in. She handled that situation perfectlly. In NYC where you run across hundreds of people a day, if you make eye contact , feel that pull of attraction from someone you view as a potential mate – go fot it. The odds of seeing that person is slim to none due to work, gym, etc social schedules.

    The world is changing and evolving and our views and actions may need to reflect that. I know i’m bias because I would have done the same.

  • Othaniel Cruickshank

    I also want to add the guys who would be intimated by that isn’t your guy and thats OK.

  • swfoenix11

    I am very outgoing and have no problem approaching a man I am interested in meeting. I have even taken the effort of talking to a few bartenders to take him his drink of choice. It has worked very well for my dating life. The men I meet are chivalrous and often go above and beyond to make me feel feminine.

    When I exchange numbers with men I approach, they always call me within 24 hours.

    P.S. It weeds out men who cannot handle my aggressive personality.

  • Songboy3

    Great post!

    Reading the responses to this post didn’t tell me too much more than what I already know: most men don’t know how to respond to an assertive women other than ‘she wanna give a brutha the panties’. This also applies to too many women ‘waiting’ for dude to make that move.

    What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, I think. Maybe most of us are just too stuck in these roles that we’ve been taught to assume since birth.

    I was approached before by a particular young lady on the train (and I know I’m NOT that cute!) and I thought it was an amazing compliment. Unfortunately (for her, of course LOL!) , I was already in a relationship (and I still am – 5 years deep and counting…) & don’t get down like that. I pretty much explained it to her and she was really cool and quite gracious. I never saw her again, of course. Situations don’t occur that often (Like I said, I ain’t THAT cute!) but it felt good to know that:

    1) I still got some cuteness/sexiness going on and

    2) Nice to know that some women aren’t waiting for life to happen to them. Sometimes they’ll take the bull by the horns!


  • Spinster

    Men are hypocrites. That is all.

  • Deka

    Real Talk. Just smile, not a normal one but bat those eyes and that’s all it takes! One of the most coolest couples I know met that way. She took charge and got married! Ladies it’s okay to smile!

  • mizze


    hhahhahhaa.. you’re welcome!

  • Righteous Mama

    It’s true! Sleep if you want to!

    I was in traffic court the other day and a cute Korean guy walked up beside me. I flashed a REAL smile at him and said simply said good morning. Not like a half ass smile but one of my million dollar ones. I wasn’t trying to get his attention, I just felt that good.

    This man could NOT stop chatting it up with me and evidently he LOVES Black women. His ex-wife is Black and he has custody of their two beautiful children. Yes, he showed me pictures and I showed him pictures of mine. We talked for a good 15-20 minutes. He made it his business to ask for my number before he left and sent me a text later the afternoon. Since then, he is non-stop. He has already asked to see my writing, to meet me for drinks or coffee, or cook me dinner. Super sweet! Although he’s starting to exhibit some stalker tendencies, lol. Hence the reason why I don’t share my writing right away and he only got my first name. You do have to be careful with strangers.

    You don’t have to be as aggressive as the woman on the train. You can make men come to you by just acting like you are actually both interested and interesting! Go figure.

    This is actually the second Asian man to approach me in a week. Kinda cool.

  • ~C.

    The only time I’ve approached men is when I’m on the dance floor. If we’ve locked eyes a few times, I ask him to dance and then we talk. If the chemistry is good, we will continue talking long after the song is over and if it’s not we part ways. I look at it sort of like speed-dating. Five mintues on the dance floor…and on to the next!

    That is about as aggressive as I will ever be. I’ve never had the courage to approach men in other situations. I guess if I wasn’t getting the attention I needed, I would probably try harder, but I don’t have to.

  • QuoteMan

    @ the introverted ladies

    Granted, it is a slippery slope, so this is one advice I give. With your cell phone, blackberry, ipod and/or watch on display, you get next to the dude(not walk up on him) and ask what time it is, if he is interested, literally and figuratively HE WILL KNOW WHAT IT IS,thus, his for the taken.

    Now, if he is not interested, no biggie, his response and facial expression will be self evident. Before he could utter any words, you interupt him with
    ” I’m sorry I didn’t even realised I’ve access to a time, such a long day!! thank you anyway”. See, not necessarily a win win but no harm done.

    Also, if he was interested but you misconstrued his response, with the “such a long day” comment, any interested dude will inquire more.

    Now, get your punk ass out there and win your man, ladies. LOL

    P.S women pick up lines are usually lame anyways, but cute though

  • Shequita

    A smile and a hello go a long way, I swear its not hard at all. Either you get a hello back and they walk away or a hello back and an introduction. Men are kinda easy in my opinion. I think men have to deal with alot more rejection than we do. I always start random conversation with strangers anyway! I got a nice steak recipe from a cutie at walmart the other day! I wasn’t interested in anything more than the nice view, just making the point a little mild conversation and flirtation can go the distance.

    I bet he did call her and thats a ,memory he’ll always revisit, that was sexy as all hell!!!

  • Tunde

    i actually prefer to approach women but i’ve had a number of women approach me. i wouldn’t mind the way in which it was done in this story. i probably would have called her too (considering i actually found her attractive as well). i think it’s all in the approach, just like it is for guys. no guy wants a woman who comes off as too thirsty or overly aggressive.

  • Rastaman

    In my view if you are a woman and the men who approach you are not whom you are seeking would it not be more effective to take the initiative?

    Nothing ventured nothing gained is my belief, that is how I got the jobs/career I wanted.

    I have been advising my single lady friends to take that approach for years. As someone pointed out you don’t sit back waiting on someone to offer you a job, a place to live so why do you sit back waiting for a partner. Because it is easier.

    As NWSO pointed out in his opinion the guy was not necessarily great looking. That is an important point, because lost in that discussion is the belief that women should only do that if the man is really hot. If that was true in life, men would only approach the really hot women. Believe me ladies all of you are not really hot, attractive, beautiful in your own ways but not hot.

    I am not a hot guy and I have been approached by women in my life. These women were being assertive and I was also very flattered but I never called everyone who did because they were not all my type. The ones I found attractive were the ones called back. There was one particular lady I did find very attractive but never called back but I was already seeing someone else.

    One of those relationships lasted 5 years. You may give your number to a jerk but after some conversation, you can probably determine that. As men we also have approached women who immediately take the conversation to sex. Sometimes we go along, sometimes we decline. But what man complains about getting offers of sex, its like complaining you get offers of money.

    Ladies if you keep doing what you doing you are gonna keep getting what you getting. Good or bad.

  • DC Man With a Plan

    lol..As usual, the second pic is priceless…..This is always a mixed bag type of conversation. On the one hand, WE as men cheer women on and want them to be bold enuff to go ofter a man they might be interested in, on the other hand MEN and WOMEN generally give the “side eye” to women who behave in this manner….smdh. It is cool to have a woman unequivocally let it be known she is interested in getting to know you. AND it is equally beneficial in the mind of most men to see women LEARN to navigate through the same trial and error process WE go through. Honestly, most men will have great sympathy for a woman who approaches them bcuz we know what it takes to pull that off. We appreciate it. It’s like you lady sends you flowers on V-day, it’s “different” but it’s a good different. And most men can handle it these days. I have been approached by women in several instances and although both of them were not my type, I still stepped to the plate, asked them out a few times and got to know them just bcuz they made a move. Being fearful of rejection is not cute. Sitting back and doing the rejection doesn’t help women empathize with what men CAN go through. I think it makes you a better rounded woman and eventually can help you better judge the character of the men you DO end up dealing with…….

  • da ThRONe

    The excuse that a man is less likely to “Whatever” because you approached him is so weak. Yeah Im sure there are some guys that will lose interest in being approached ,but my take has always been “If he loses interest that quick it most likely wasnt going to work anyways”.

    Personnally I dont approach women because I perfer things to play out more naturally. Approaching seems forced at times. I think women approaching men makes more sense than the other way around. Women just from my experiences are more picky. Therefore it just makes more sense for them to do the selecting.

  • Elle

    Hm, never done it and I do not think it is likely I will ever do it. Not because I am against the concept but simply because I can’t remember the last time I saw a random stranger who caught my eye. I think it was in 08.

    When I am out and about I am in my own zone. Literally, I do not see men. I mean I look at them but I do not see them. Plus, I couldn’t care less. My mind is not on meeting anyone.

    However, when I get to know a guy in some way shape or form and things are platonic I will make my interest in him known – if it exists that is.
    2 relationships have merely existed because I put my cards on the table and told them upfront that I was interested when they had already assumed that they landed in the friend zone. Asking a man out on a date when I already know him is no issue. What’s the worse that can happen?

    Now what I wonder is why do many men rarely get approached by women but everytime I’m in a relationship women just throw themselves at my guy in herds :|
    WTF is up with that?

  • Mimi in the OC

    I believe that you have to take your future in hand. Although guys do approach me, good ones and bad one, I am the kind of person who does not want to ever have to deal with regret in any area of my life. When I see what I consider “opportunity”, whether it’s a job, a man, or other, I go for it. I don’t ever want to look back and think that I didn’t give it a shot and let the opportunity pass me by. I rather miss the opportunity because I wasn’t the right fit than just miss the opportunity without ever knowing if it could have worked out.
    I have approached men on the streets, but not on my own, I was with a friend, I find it easier that way and we kind of play with it.

    It’s definitely not “unladylike” to approach a man unless you are completely stuck on traditional gender roles, and they have shifted somewhat over the years.

    I can handle the disappointment if the man I gave my number to never called. First of all, tpically you have a short time frame to get or give the number, and often times, it is hard to figure out whether a man has a girl friend or even is married (maybe he’s not wearing the ring). So I’ve seen cases where men will enjoy being “courted” by the woman and won’t mention they are taken, and will never call. Bottom line though rejection always sucks, but at the end of the day, it was a possibility among many others, and it’s nothing like the pain from a breakup with a significant other, so my policy is to “get over it quick”, do something else that will boost your confidence again (dress sexy, flirt, etc.), don’t stay on a loss.

    On the downside, I do think a lot of men that are “approached” will tend to think that the lady will drop her panties quicker, at least that has been my experience for the most part. I approached my last boyfriend though :-)

  • MsBlackmanSays

    Ladies, would you have enough gumption to approach a man on the street?

    If I never thought I would see him again and the physical attraction was that strong, most definitely…I’ve done it a # of times.

    Or would you rather rely on coy eye contact and hope that he approached you?
    I only do the coy eye contact if I know there is a chance that I’ll see him again.

    How’s that working out for you and your dating life? The coy thing worked for me…just starting to hang with someone who I did this to last year.

    Do you feel it’s “unladylike” to approach a man like this woman did?
    Not at all

    Would you be able to handle the disappointment if the man you gave your number to never called?
    Sure…how many guys give me their # and I don’t call… just brush it off!

  • Flyness


    Everything you said is 100% ON POINT. Ladies, take notes. What’s your twitter, Mimi? ;)

  • Greg Dragon

    Women… I see so many bullsh-t “theories” in the comments and few facts based on experience. It’s the meme of the day to say men as a whole will consider you a freak if you’re aggressive. NEWSFLASH freaks get hollered at a ton, they rarely if ever have to go looking for some action, get over yourselves. The longest relationships I’ve had, have been with aggressive women, some were freaks yes but so what? Better than a cold fish wondering why you’re turning down sex in lieu of hollering at her friend.

    Anyway, I also co-sign on a nice smile on contact. THIS IS SPECIFICALLY TOWARDS BLACK WOMEN, who feel that a side glance is enough to get a dude talking to you. I cannot count the amount of times I’ve heard from women later that they were into me when the only sign they gave me was a glance (which looked unfriendly to me) and then the tunnel vision no-look when I tried to make eye contact. These women who braved up later on to tell me this, blew my mind because had they given me one solitary signal, a smile, some eye contact, a little wave, SOMETHING, I would’ve hopped to it immediately.

    Please ladies, some of you are full of it, you want to be courted traditionally but you aren’t smiling at dudes, you’re not looking pleasant and you’re not dropping any hints whatsoever to get you approached. Then you get pissed when other women, be it Latina, Caucasian, whatever give us the smile, wink, nod, whatever and we go for broke to talk to her.

    If you’re having problems finding a man, and you don’t have the stones to talk to him first, you may want to work on your body language. Diva only works for other women, Diva makes guys like me ignore you thinking you’re angry and holler at your happy-go-lucky friend.


  • menluvmysmile

    Ladies, would you have enough gumption to approach a man on the street?

    I have, and sometimes the name and title on the business card scares them but what’evs. I think now I want to take more charge by doing this….carpe diem!

    Or would you rather rely on coy eye contact and hope that he approached you?

    Coyness can be misunderstood for other things so I am not the biggest fan of it. Eye contact and a warm smile always works for me!

    How’s that working out for you and your dating life?

    Sometimes its hit and miss but I try to switch it up, although its been awhile since someone’s ‘caught’ my eye to even try the coy/assertive game.

    Do you feel it’s “unladylike” to approach a man like this woman did?

    Not at all, I applaud her no matter what the outcome!

    Would you be able to handle the disappointment if the man you gave your number to never called?

    Of course, it just means it wasn’t an inopportune time.

    @MIMI IN THE OC – a standing O goes to you, hope that there are more women like that out there to inspire more of us to just DO IT!

  • da ThRONe

    I second with Greg Dragon said. Lady at the very least you guys need to dangle your bait harder. A Smile goes a long way. Not to mention a wave or constant eye contact. The shit most women do can be misconstrued for anything but attraction.

  • Tunde

    @da ThRONe

    “Approaching seems forced at times. I think women approaching men makes more sense than the other way around. Women just from my experiences are more picky. Therefore it just makes more sense for them to do the selecting.”

    this is a valid argument.

  • Anonymous

    da Throne I completely agree with you. Were you spying my IM conversation with a friend of mine? **smile** Personallly, I’ve have always opted for a mixture. I can definately see myself doing what the woman did in the train. I’m quite sure she look at her options and knew this was the only chance she had. Why wait and leave everything to chance??? I’ve also coyly smiled and made it known with body language to “ask me out” or (for the shy ones)simply reached over and touched his arm with my fingertips and said I’ll say yes if you just ask. As you can see I’m not timid. LOL. But I do believe that men like the hunt, and have found in most situations things worked out better when I let the man do just that “hunt”.
    Being aggressive is not necessarily unlady-like. The manner of how you carry out your aggressiveness is what can make you unlady-like. As a person who has grown up with “lady training” as I like to call it. A large part of it is not just knowing which fork to use and how to sit and fold your hands but how to gracefully and aggresively carryout duties seemingly flawlessly.

  • Jessica J

    I think there are a few downsides to this, even though there’s nothing wrong with going after what you want.

    1) If he doesn’t want her she could really get played and get feelings hurt.

    2) He could take it the wrong way and as a cue that she just wants sex and for him to hurry up and get back at him.

    3) He might think she is this forward in all ways of life and not never let him be a man who takes first steps and makes the first move.

    4) He might also say ok, she wants to do the “man’s role” then this must mean she’s going to keep the convo going. she’s going to suggest date and keep my attention an i can just do what a lot of girls do, and sit back and let her make first steps.

    There’s a lot of ways this could go wrong, and I think the woman on the train was taking a huge jump because if you are going to approach someone first, the least you try to get is a conversation from this, short or not, to see if you get a vibe. But to just see someone and go off looks, well that’s a bit much to go off. I’ve seen guys approach me cause of the way i look, then talk to me and realize im not a dumb girl and i certainly really truly dont want to have sex with any of them, especially not before marriage. once they get all that, they move away. this guy she gave her number to, well he could be a lot of things she doesnt want. if you going to be a first move female, just because it isnt done so often, i think you should take a lot more precautions first.

  • Sherell

    I am told I am an anomaly: A black woman that smiles alot.

    The upside is that people are very helpful and respond accordingly, generally.

    The downside is that many guys think iniitially that I am interested in them. I believe that I handle those situations gracefully. I save a special smile for the those that I am interested in.

    I think there is a difference between aggressive and assertive. With assertive being less offensive. And women can be assertive and lady like.

  • HelloMyNameIsVita

    It’s kind of crazy tho because men be on some bs saying they like to do the chaser not the chassy – so it makes the situation more difficult.

  • Rastaman


    I am sure if you approached a man and said with a smile “hello my name is Vita”, the chase would be on. Even a man as oblivious like me would be on it.

    The straight up “call me” approach may intimidate some men, i don’t understand why but like Greg Dragon, I have gotten the “I was checking you out ” talk often way too late from women. Not all men think assertive women are freaks and the men who think that way probably don’t hold woman overall in the best esteem.

    I would not encourage women to holler at every dude that catches your eye because as a man I don’t holler at every woman who catches my eye. We just are encouraging you to take a little initiative and it probably will cut down the incidences of bad encounters.

  • Anike Love

    The first thing I always think about when I build up enough boldness to give a man my business card is, “Crap, what if he has a girlfriend/wife?!?!” Then, he’s got my card with my first and last name, phone number and place of work which his girlfriend/wife can easily use to add me as a friend on Facebook, spam my wall with evilness, track me down and send me hate mail filled with restraining order-worthy threats. That’s enough to scare the bejeezus outta me, and promptly prompt me to put the card BACK into my cute lil’ clutch.

    On the other hand, it does give me the idea to make “I think you’re hot” business cards with nothing but my first name and cell phone number….hmm…

  • Shannon

    I’ve only done that once. I saw a handsome man standing near the display in the coffee shop/bookstore; he came everyday and I was a regular at the bookstore myself.

    One day, I decided to abandon all caution and boldly walked right up to him. Back then, I used to have these “memory cards” made that had my name, picture and contact information on them. I was nervous, but I went right up to him and handed him my card and said, “I hope you make use of it,” and I walked back to the Classics section of the bookstore.

    Well, he did call me. We went into a wonderfu relationship and later married; we produced two children and built a happy life together. We were just so happy and he always liked telling the story of how we met to our friends and how we learned about each other over time.

    I only had four and a half wonderful years with him before he lost his battle with cancer. Even though our time together was short, I never regretted it.

    I will admit I haven’t used that approach since; I don’t believe lighting strikes twice for anyone, but I know it worked for me. I wish I could find another like the one I had.

  • NWSO

    @Anike LOve

    If that’s the FIRST thing you think you’re standing in your own way. Like you’re thinking the worst first and plotting the end before things can even begin.


    Still, a possible GF/wife is always a possibility but only one way to find out.

  • mizze

    @Anike Love- That first scenario is beyond hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that is the sign of the times– I swear, stranger things have happened so I would not rule that possibility

  • J. McKnight

    Cheers for the blog post.

    I love when a woman approaches me or takes the initiative to express interest. It’s sexy. It’s cool. I can dig her confidence and ability to risk possible rejection. (Cue Andre “that just let’s me know she knows what she wants out of life”)

    One of the more recent encounters: I attended a Pre-Valentine’s Day function. A young lady in a group of three asked me check if my key matched her lock. Unfortunately it didn’t. After a couple minutes of laughs and jokes with the group, one of the women turns to me and says “I like you. We should hang out one day.” I told her I was impressed and that she was by far the most intriguing women I had met in the room. Not just based on looks or personality, but by simply stating that she had an interest in me and wanted to see where it would take us. Most women aren’t that bold. She would have definitely received a date from me (fueled with anticipation to see what kind of adventures we could get into).

    I tell my women friends all the time, “You can’t wait for the guy to approach you. He may think you are out of his league. He may be apprehensive to approach you while you are with your friends. He may not have had the opportunity to notice you. Amungst many other possible senarios.” In this case, initially I did not pay attention to her with interest because I thought her friend was trying to check for me. She took the initiative, sparked my interest, and got the guy.

    *We didn’t go on the date. A friend, not in that group, through a monkey wrench into the works. Unfortunate.

  • J. McKnight

    @Anike Love
    The “I think you’re hot!” business cards is a GREAT idea!

  • Anike Love

    @NWSO, yeah you’re right I am standing in my own way…

    so as a result, I have decided to take action!

    Tomorrow, I’m going to write myself a $10 check, take it to my other bank where I peeped this fine bank teller (hard to talk to someone through 5 inch thick plexiglass), make sure I get him as a teller (I’ve perfected this art at least) and deposit my check. Right when he slips me my bank statement, I’m going to slip him my name and phone number…and then run outta there like a banshee! Let’s hope I don’t trip or else….


    Ahh, I like how it feels to walk on the side of danger!

  • da ThRONe

    I dont think the “Hit and run” approach is the only one. The best way is just to kick up so convo(if you have the time). I think the number 1 question a female can ask a male to let him know she interested is “Where is your girlfriend”. Really shes saying I want you are you single.

  • QuoteMan

    @Anike Love

    Damn girl!! You’re signing the divorce papers before the first date. still funny though

  • NWSO

    @Anike Love

    I totally feel you on the cute bank teller, back in the day I lived near this bank where all the tellers were FINE but there was this one I had the biggest crush on. I always tried to get her when I had a big check to deposit LOL. But it just seemed awkward to try and holla through the glass.

    HMMM, perhaps I could turn that into a Wet Wednesday scenario…..


  • Tiffany

    Man if you can pull that off kudos to you. Knowing me, trying to graceful would have fallen out of the train, now that would have been out of a movie. I always do the smile, but I let him come to me. Maybe I should step up my game and just put myself out there. The worse he could do is say no thanks, laugh, make a horrible comment or walk away. On second thought maybe I’ll just stick to smiling.


  • N2Deep

    This is like a double edge sword it’s like a Hell Yeah and a Hell to the Naw all rolled in one.

    I have been approached by some but in my experience a lot of them were really not as available as they seemed. You know they were trying to get out of a relationship or was with a man who dogged them and they were searching for a little joy to escape their everyday.

    Some I found out that we were just better off friends because THEY were their own reason they didn’t have a man.

    I think that every woman should try it at least once because truthfully that’s probably the easiest part for most men that have a sliver of confidence. The part that I saw some women doing (what I consider half assed) is that after she made the first move she immediately expects the man to take the wheel. Hold Up!HOLD UP! ………The hardest part ( I think I can speak for most guys) is all the things you have to do AFTER your first move to keep them interested in you. All I’m saying agressive ladies is that if you are playing the quarterback role at least make it to half time! You showed the interest, now what are you going to do to keep the Attention??

    I like approaching the woman and If she is interested and interesting I don’t mind her responding a LITTLE aggresively and then even initiating some of the action after that. I ain’t gonna lie I don’t try to say no smooth shit that will make a pimp proud or try to do shit I know I won’t keep up so I have to see her a few times (Not Dating) and spark up some conversation so I can learn a few things about her. That way I ain’t trying to figure her out when we should be chillin because we already established a level of comfort.

    I got to tell you all about this one woman who stepped to me. I was in the Army stationed in D.C. at the time. The building I worked out of was in SE and we dealt with a lot of the Generals and shit. I was coming out of the cafeteria heading to the elevator and this nice looking woman just started talking to me so after a few times she finally asked me if I had a lady and I said no so she gave me her number. I called that night and talked for maybe 15 minutes, we were just talking about nothing in particular. She did ask me what state I was from so I told her and I thought nothing of it. The next day at work we met for lunch and all of a sudden she told me my parents name, sisters name, my birthdate and daughters name!!! I was like WTF ( in my mind)……….Who in the Hell is she!!!…….. She could see on my face I was tripping because she wasn’t in the military. Then she told me she worked for the FBI office that was on the top floor! I still talked to her for a little while as a friend because I was scared to deal with her because If I had fucked up she probably could have made my life hell.

  • The narcotic

    The last girl that approached me became my fiance and will be my wife. But that is just me.

  • Sherell

    Nothng ventured, nothing gained.

    @ N2Deep That wasn’t aggressive that’ s stupid. No harm in checking up on someone, just don’t let them know!!! LoL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Artivist

    Be aggressive, B-E aggressive! When I was 20 years old, my friends and I went to the beach to enjoy the final fleeting days of summer. I wore my favorite gold bikini and oversized sunglasses. i looked fabulous, but honestly I was insecure. My friends and I found a plot of sand near a group of good looking guys, and made camp.

    Among those guys was one of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen in my life. He was bronze, tall, and full-lipped with blue-grey eyes. My words cannot do his beauty justice– he was a demigod. I could not help but admire him, and he stared just as intently at me. We would glance over at one another, smile shyly then both look away. This went on for hours. Finally, as the sun began its descent, and the sand and air began to cool, my friends decided it was time to leave. I glanced longingly at the demigod one last time and he stared at me with equal longing. Instead of saying something to him, I (stupidly!) left with my friends.

    Weeks later, I was plagued by “what ifs?”. What if I just walked the five feet over to that gorgeous man and introduced myself? What if I simply handed him my number before running off to my friend’s awaiting jeep? I regretted not making a move, and I hate having regrets. It was then a bolder, less insecure Artivist was born. I was determined to never miss out on an opportunity like that ever again.

    I am not super aggressive, I keep things tempered by serenely introducing myself and let the magic happen. I look at dating as chess– someone has to make the first move, or there is no game. I don’t mind sometimes being that person.

  • novanova

    Wow. Not a bad idea, give the digits and bounce, don’t wait for rejection. Good move.

  • bogart4017

    Welcome to our world ladies! Rejection is part of the game. Brush the dirt off your shoulders and keep it moving.

  • skye

    Dang, that girls got game!

    Love the mens reaction to her tho.

  • DC Cookies

    Hmmm…I really don’t approach men. Not that I am too shy or think I might get rejected but I believe that mean REALLY do like the chase. I will throw a little eye contact to let him know that he is being eyed but if he wants it, he’ll come and get it. We have to have a connection. Even if it is purely physical. And that is obvious through eye contact and such.

    It definitely isn’t unlady like, it’s just something that I don’t practice. I do believe men would get the wrong impression. That I am a freak and all I want is sex.

    *Side NOTE*

    Why does it need to be any easier for men? Women open their legs like I open my refrigerator. With ease and I can pick and chose WHATEVER I want.

    Men need to work.

  • Anike Love

    Yeah, this conversation is pretty much closed, but I didn’t quite feel like I would have closure until I followed up and let people know that I did it!! I gave the cute bank teller my number. But rather than run out of the bank like a banshee, I sent my number up the tube (drive-thru bank) and screeched away in my car like a convict running from the po-po (cue: Madea).

    And now, I wait. But whether he calls or not, it was an adrenaline rush anyway!


  • Daniel

    @ bunnylovett

    If I may speak for men in general.. I bet he called her ;) Trust me, guys are not the ones to talk themselves out of it. Gals do that. I would call her as soon as I got out of the tram.

    To answer the question. I like girls that have courage to just ask us :-)
    We have the same job as they do, we are the ones that feel scared of rejection all the fckin time. Let them try it sometimes :-)

  • Lady Black

    @ Anika Love

    You give me hope. I might give it try. There is guy who I have being eyeing for sometime now. Everytime I see him, I just look down at the ground or at my shoes.

  • Anike Love

    @Lady Black, girllll do it! lol! It’s such an empowering feeling, you wouldn’t even believe it!

  • gizzle

    My take is this:

    You don’t wait on “the perfect employer” to call you out of the blue and offer you your dream job

    You don’t expect the “perfect outfit” to pick you and just randomly arrive at your door in a Fedex box

    You might randomly meet people but you selectively CHOOSE who becomes your best friends, etc.

    Why would you be passive (100% of the time) in finding a guy?

    If I see what I want, I go get it. Whether it be shoes, a house, a job, a dude. But all that hinges on ME knowing what I want.
    If I know EXACTLY what I want, I don’t have to leave it to chance.
    Or rely solely on random men approaching me.

    I’m clearly a fan of going for it. We’re all time crunched too, why sift through the losers at all? Go for exactly what you want.

  • Wentforit

    I’ve been dating a very nice guy for almost a year. I saw him at an outdoor event in NY last year, said to myself “Ladies, I see something I like…I’ll be back”. I walked up to him and took his hand and just started talking. He took my number and I let him chase and “be the aggressor” after that.

    He had to chase me for two months before I finally decided to date him, but had I not said anything to him, who knows ?

    Closed mouths don’t get fed. Ladies, if you see someone you find all means. APPROACH !!! It totally throws men off and also makes their day. He still to this day always talks about how I approached him.

  • SmileAfroChild

    I’ve done as much before. I’ve boldly walked up to a man (who was flocked by homeboys and hatas alike OR was isolated) slipped my number in to his hand and said “I’d like to get to know you better, if you’re interested. It’s up to you,” and left it at that. Of the five times I’ve done it, I haven’t gotten back call #1 yet. I wouldn’t call myself unattractive by any means, and I’d like to think I have swag… so what’s the deal?

    Riddle me that, and I’ll keep (wo)manning up.

  • sman

    I only wait for girls to approach me. I find assertive women extremely attractive. I give any girl who approach me props and respect. I will give it more when she comes up to me.

    I get approached a lot too. One time at school this girl asked me to watch her things in the library while she went to Tim Hortons(downstairs of school). I said no problem. She came back and started talking to me. Really took the initiative. She was one of those girls who loved charge but was afraid and unsure if that is something I was looking for in a girl. I ended up telling her that I really like assertive women and she just opened up and got real loose after that.

    I’m lucky girl’s walk up to me I’m a really shy person. I used to walk up to girls but they always assume I’m a perv trying to get in their pants… like whoa hold up I’m just trying to make convo in the club.

    Sometimes girls walk up to me and offer to buy me a drink in clubs. Or girls walk and grab my butt. I even have guys offer to buy me drinks.