When Should You Meet My Kids? (Single Dad’s Perspective)

Sometimes breaking up with the kids are harder than the girl. I dont have kids so this really isnt my issue. And when(which is more like a huge IF) I do it will be with the women I want to spend the rest of one of our lives with.

Yes, all parents should be MORE selective when chosing their mates and who meets their children. Unless the child is 3 months, age is important. Whether the child is 2 or 12, men/women should not be coming in and out of a child's life.

I would be upset if my child's father had different women around my child. Nowadays, you cannot trust anyone. Molestation and such is prevalant and even women are molesting. No one is safe. 1 out of 4 girls/ women have been molested. Sex while my child is in the house is a big no no for me. Unless my child's father is in a committed relationship with this woman, random hook ups are unacceptable.

I trust my child's judgement. If they don't like that person, their must be a reason behind it. Almost like a dog...

In general, if parents are separated, the child goes with mommy. So, I believe it might be easier for the men.. Just from the free-ness aspect.

I am a mommy and parenting is a constant progression! There are ups and downs

Oh yea..and vice versa with women as well. Not one to man bash or anything like that. But some fellas have dated women and brought women around that had no damn business being around children. Fathers have lost children on account of being hard up for companionship as well and have had emotionally scarred or worse yet, deceased children to show for that err in relationship judgment. Times are crazy. We should just get to know someone before we decide to share our most precious commodities with someone we may barely know.

I agree with the majority here, there is no 'set' time for your children to meet your significant other. I also believe all too many times both women and men introduce their children to whom they are seeing awfully early in their relationships. I will never be offended if a man I am seeing doesn't wish to bring his children around me, nor should he feel that way if I don't bring mine into the relationship. Too many factors there. Your children know more than you think they do.

I learned the hard way about breaking up with my boyfriend also being a break up with my kids. My son's father was never in the picture with him. I started seeing my now ex (not his father) when he was still under a year old. We remained in a relationship for a few years, even living together at one point. My son and my ex had a special bond as this was the only male figure in his life excluding my family members. It hurt me when we broke up and my son was always wondering where he was, or if he was gonna see him. I vowed after that to never introduce my kids to someone unless it was a very serious, possibly even marriage-minded relationship.

As a woman who was almost molested by my stepfather when I was a teenager and had a stepmother who blatantly disliked me, I believe it is very important to be careful who you bring around your children and choose to spend your time with...however you never can tell.

I first met my stepdad when I was 6 yrs old, there was no way my mother could predict that 7 or 8 yrs later my stepfather would attempt to have sex with me. Apparently this is not uncommon among stepdads and teenage girls.

As far as my stepmother I think she just didn't love me as she loved her own children she had with my dad and that was blatantly obvious. She resented me in some way. There was no way to really tell that from spending every other weekend with my dad. Of course I was just cute when they were still dating. Being married is completely different. My dad had to give my mom money, money that could have gone towards their household every month...I think women really need to take a deep look at themselves and decide if they really can handle sometimes being the 2nd priority to another child.

It's easier for single dads to date because dads that are involved with their children are seen as "desirable and responsible men". I've seen women knock themselves over to date these men. whereas a woman with kids is often viewed as a "burden" or having baggage etc.Also most times the kids will be with the mother most of the time, so a woman dating a single dad doesn't feel like she has to take care of the kids, like its the other womans 'problem'. Men however are more hesitant to date and seriously marry a woman with kids because let's face it - some men don't want the fulltime responsibilty of taking care of a woman and her kids.

I use to say I don't want anyone to meet my kids unless I plan to have them in my life for good. But I've realized that meeting my kids should be the last thing on the check list before I make that decision. I'd like to know that he likes them, plays well with them and can deal with the stress of youngins. It would be ideal to be with someone who is a father because some things you just cant teach/tell/show. I dont want any kinda woman around my kids so I could only hope that my ex uses the sense he has left, I can't run his life/house or run what he does when he has the children. One of my closest friends has married a woman with a teen he absolutely does not like....I aint havin dat!

I say introduce the kid(s) when you feel ready (hopefully, that's when you see the relationship taking a turn in the serious lane). Also for the sake of the neutral party, please make sure you don't have other parent drama, deal with that before bringing a man/woman into the mix.

As a woman with no children, I can honestly agree with Elle but in my case its not dealing with the child that's the case, its mostly the mother. I'm yet to see a mother of child who will peacefully let the father of her child date (people say I can never understand this because I am not in the situation). It is just too much of a hassle to deal with a woman who wants to frustrate your life. At the end of the day, its the kid(s) that suffer(s) (whatever frustrations that the neutral party is feeling sometimes gets transferred to the child and that is unfair).
From what I have seen, Single fathers have it easier when it comes to dating. Single mothers, have it harder. I have noticed differences though. A divorced mother of 4 can date easier than a Single mother of 4+ (unless the Dad (s) are actively in the child's life sans drama).

Years ago when I was single before my son, I dated a young single dad that had custody of his daughter Maya, because his ex was a drug addict. He and his daughter were extremley close and did everythig together. At first his daughter didn't like me and use to come and sit between us on the couch and say things like " you are not my mother" Over time we became great friends, she was about 5.

Fast forward, about 9 months later, my boyfriend started acting distant and we began to see less of each other and I suspected another woman.
One day I called and Maya answered the phone and whispered that " she " an ex girlfriend., that Maya did not like was over the house and had been coming over alot lately.

We ultimately broke up, after I confronted him about seeing the ex. To this day he has no clue how I found out and I never told him that it was Maya. It was hard afterwards, I missed her more than I missed him.

Parenting I believe it's an on the job training task, so to speak, you adjust as you go along. Of course, experience can nourish your parenting skills but different kids bring different challenges.

Having a kid, sometimes, it can make or break you depending on your circumstances, luckily, it made a man out of me.

Naïve as any man could be, still on my BS, a college drop out, quitting job after job, til that Thursday afternoon, a 7lbs, 21inches long(pause) creature(LOL) arrived and served as my wake up call. Boy!did he have his way with me(pause), from wrongly putting on the diapers to late night hospital visits. As striking of a fear as it could be, the irony is, it can also coerce a boy into a man in an overnight and for that I am eternally grateful.
6yrs later, I have gone from "on my BS to achieve my BS, college degree that is.

Now the topic at hand, do I think parents should be selective who meets their kids? Yes, shoot I am even selective which friends of mine could be around my Lil man. Sex around the kid and all the other questions, my ex and I have a sheer understanding to always put selfishness to the side and do right by the kid. The mother and I also have a great relationship which is imperative.

I have in a son, a kid I believe was a lawyer or detective in his previous lifetime, LOL, he questions everything within his proximity with a follow up of why?, why? to every answer I give him. That's my boy!! He made me everything I am.

@Elle
Through and through, I can comprehend the idea that parents should date parents for the sake of conveniency, expediency, compatibility or what have you, but sometimes you can't help who you love.

Case in point, a friend of mine with no kids was dating a woman with 2 kids, he was the butter of every joke within our ambiance. "how can you become a stepfather before becoming a father, we used to say lol" **silly of us** ironically, he had the most successful relationship amongst us, had another kid and tied the knot.

I get what you are saying though, but I'm just saying.

@ da Throne...your comment is harsh but in my somewhat evil mind, this is how I feel. Lets take accountability and not be bringing these children into situations when we can actually help it (as in protection...double protection...or even *gasp* abstinence). I know this is not the topic of the day and I am in lurvvvvv with a daddy myself and a child that is as sharp and beautiful and wonderful and makes me so happy but I always try to tell my single parent friends that love to complain about people not being accommodating to them to remember that the neutral party did not ask you to rack up baby daddies/mamas and should not be expected to magically accommodate the drama/tantrums and bratiness of your seed and other parent. Single parents please cut your childless partner some slack sometimes and put yourself in their shoes to get where they are coming from when they start to feel slighted because that child might be the center of YOUR world but it will take a little bit for the other person to wholly embrace a child that is not theirs.

This topic really hits home for me. I 100% agree with the folks who have been saying that you must be careful whom you let hang around your kids. My cousin was sexually abused by her stepfather in her teens, didn't tell anyone for years, and when she told her mother, she stayed with her husband. WTF?!

I'm also the girl on the other side of this conversation. Don't have children of my own, but my boyfriend has a six year old daughter. When we met, he actually told me he didn't have kids.. I guess thinking I was going to be some casual thing that wouldn't last. When he realized I was different, he told me about her. That was three years ago, when she was three years old. I still haven't met her.

Now distance definitely plays a factor. She lives with her mother about 15 hours away in his hometown. But now that the years are passing and we're talking marriage, I'm getting more and more anxious to meet her. My biggest concern is whether she'll like me and accept me. He says she will. But if she doesn't, I know that will be a deal breaker. I know that she comes first and I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite never meeting her, I love her and care very deeply for her already. But I'm the lady who gets to see her dad all the time, while she doesn't. She could hate me on that fact alone.

It's kinda a crap shoot deciding when you let your kids meet the significant other. And it's definitely unique to each situation. My boyfriend's brother got married less than 2 years ago and they're already considering separation. Now his two daughters barely know their stepmom, if at all, due to the distance thing. But she has two sons who they live with. The boys call their stepfather "daddy" and my boyfriend "uncle" and my boyfriend refers to them as my nephews. When kids are involved, a break up affects more than just the two adults.

To all the single parents out there, please be selective and be extremely mindful of the kids.

My not so significant other has children. It's probably not an issue for us, because I would never expect to meet anyone's kids that I'm having a casual relationship with. For the purposes of this forum, from the flip side, I wouldn't want to develop a relationship with anyone's children because I'm sure I'd get attached to them. Sometimes you find the kids are more the attraction than the man. I think anyone with children should be on a path to a significant relationship, potentially marriage, before introducing their children into the picture. That's a significant investment of emotion, time and resources and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

I agree with Gifted 1 and others who believe there should be a definite screening process that involves time and committment before you make it a regular habit of having the person you're seeing around your kids. At the same time, events such as Thanksgiving and Christmas provide opportunities for your kids to see you operate in an environment where there are tons of people around, so they can more easily accept you having others around for special events. I really don't want to bring a woman around my son's bcuz time with the kids are dedicated just as I try to dedicate time for my lady. When I have experienced a conflict and for convenience sake had my date in the car at the same time as my kids, it was a short term action that didn't require any real conversation other than general introductions. Real life involves phone and in-person conversations with friends and family and at times, difficult choices which can take away from the barrier you try to place between your different "lives," but you must keep it separate until you're ready to fully integrate your kids and the person your planning a life with into one harmonious unit.

I don't have children, but I do know that I would be selective when it comes to bringing people, boyfriends or otherwise, around my children. While I couldn't make a decision to be with someone for the rest of my life without knowing that my child/children like the man, at the same time introducing them to early could be a big mistake.

I agree with everyone else that you don't bring people that you can't be sure that you know well enough and are extremely trustable into your home because of all the messed up things they could do to you and your kids. But, I am a child who lived with divorced parents for as long as I can remember (I honestly do not remember them EVER being together) and each of my parents had very different perspectives on one aspect of dating and children.

My father had the belief that unless the person was going to be "the one" that I shouldn't meet them. Period. If I ever met a girlfriend of his, I was introduced to them being one of his friends, and this was normally at some party. He felt that it would mentally scar me if I got attached to someone who might one day leave my life. My Mother was the opposite...sort of. She would wait a very long time without telling me about a boyfriend, and initially when I met them they would be introduced as just a friend. Difference is, I met many of her long term boyfriends, I only met one of my Dad's long terms.

The thing is, my experience with my Dad scarred me the most...primarily because I was thrown for a loop: this woman who was just my dad's coworker was actually his girlfriend and is carrying his baby so she is moving in with us now...ummm...WTF?!?! And, when they broke up 4 years later, I was devastated. Primarily because I figured that my Dad had met "that one" (kids are perceptive in regards to their parents' beliefs and ideals). Sure, I was miserable when my mom broke up with 7 year long boyfriend, might as well be live in for 2, but I recovered faster.

First time posting, I’m a lurker

While there is no perfect time, you don’t want to introduce them to early or too late. The timeline can depend on the child’s personality and relationship with the other biological parent. Also what kind of experience does the child have with members of the opposite sex? Is this a boy who doesn’t have male role models? That would impact the level/amount of interactions a guy “should” have with that boy.

My parents are divorced so, I had two different perspective growing up of meeting people my parents date.

My father would wait until after he had proposed or got remarried to introduce the woman to me. By introducing me after the decision it took away any consideration for how the woman would interact with me.

One of my father’s fiancés/wives (yes, plural) would be nice in my father’s presence but the moment he left… Evil. There were a few who treated me like the other woman which was confusing at 9yrs old but at 17 I knew the deal. One screened my calls even though I was polite and respectful. “Hello, Ms. So&So, How are you? Is my father home?”-Her response was always laced with attitude, “what you want with him?” Another stole my gifts. My father gives nice gifts and always a piece of jewelry. I call to say “Thank You Daddy for the coat and he questioned what about the bracelet” My father has dated some decent women, too. One took very good care of me when I was sick.

My mother would use family gatherings like cookouts or sporting events as an initial introduction but without titles just “this is Mr. So&So”. It allowed me to meet the guy for who he was without being bias. One guy, who I have no memory of, wouldn’t stop going on & on about how beautiful I was as a 8 yr old so, my mother got rid of him-QUICK. There were others who are really cool guys who decades later still treat me like a niece.

I’ve said all this to encourage people in relationships with kids involved to consider the type of interactions that the children are exposed to.

I think people should be able to date whom they deem compatible as long as they are responsible about it. I know many men will factor out women with children and women who do the same to men.

I am a widowed mother of 2 and have not dated--never serious and rarely casual--since my dearly departed's passing. The children would probably not accept someone taking their father's place in their lives and mine and as much as I hate to admit it--even to myself--I'm just not over him yet. I still love my husband, even though he's been gone for quite some time and it's hard to meet new people because I want the next man to be the same kind of man my husband was; I realize that isn't fair to the next man and it's unrealistic to expect a new man to fill another's shoes, but I can't help how I feel.

On the few dates I've been on since, though, they have never met my children, mainly because I knew these men weren't permanent. There were three men I dated who made it clear that they didn't date women with children; they were emphatically childless. I never hid my status; in fact I disclosed this information over the phone so they could move on. They insisted, but I realized they would have resented my children or ended up mistreating them and I wasn't having that. I know my sister's friend's mother threw both the friend and her brother out of the house at 2:30 in the morning because her man told her if she didn't get rid of them, he would leave. I could never do that to my babies; if the man doesn't care about my children, I can't have him in my life. I have to know beyond a doubt that my children would be safe around him.

I remember when my daughter was born, I told my husband that if I believed for a second that he would ever hurt her, I'd reduce him to submolecular particles; his reaction? "You are just being a good mother and protecting your baby from danger, even if that danger is her father. As well you should," which made me feel even more secure; my mother never allowed my siblings' father to do anything with them, but she changed when I came along.

I know that for the most part, single dads have it much easier because they are more likely than not the noncustodial parent and don't have to deal with the child(ren) on a daily basis. Single mothers have it harder because most people see the children as a hindrance to dating, especially if the child(ren) are very young. It is also more likely on the mother's side that the father is not actively nor passively involved in the child's life--not to say that baby daddy drama doesn't exist--but it is a rare mother who is not involved in her child(ren)'s life and often create a lot of chaos for the father who is seeing someone and wanting to move on with his life; some have a platoon of baby daddies/mamas and have all kinds of confusion that can make a relationship difficult. My sister has five children from five different men and they all rush over to take their child or give the new man a hard time and it always works; the man walks out on her and they bring the children back and go back to their lives.

I wouldn't recommend introducing the children unless it is certain the person will become a permanent fixture in your life. The worst experience for me was a man I met in my widow/widowers group whose wife died in childbirth and he was raising his 6-week-old son alone. We spent a lot of time together--he brought the baby with him--and I spent a lot of time with the baby as well; over time we bonded and got very close and then one day, he decided it wasn't working and just stopped seeing me. I was hurt, but his son was devastated. I will always believe it was because his son called me Mama one day and that really bothered him. I never did see him again, so I have no idea what happened to him. I can only hope he is well today.

This is a great post. I have a question to throw out to everyone. What if you met someone, and it's only been 2 months, the chemistry is great but this person is insisting meeting your kids, would you let them? I had a situation where i have been dating a woman for 2 months. My son had a basketball tournament in which i couldn't quite afford to stay at a hotel that was near the tournament. The young lady offered to pay, but asked if she could come to the games. I was hesitant but said yes. My kids loved her. What do you guys think about this?

Kids don't need to meet the new girl/ guy unless you intend to have a serious long term relationship, ie. marriage. They need to meet after you decide thats where you are going but before you make the final decision because they (kids&possible mate) need to get along.

Personally, I beleive the creation and decision to raise a child is a life-changer and an automatic framework as to what you can do with your life because they need to come first and your life needs to become a prper environment for them to grow up.

Having a new auntie, uncle, strolling out of mommy or daddy's bedroom every morning is WRONG. TAKE THAT MESS TO THE MOTEL/HOTEL.

I don't bring men around my kids or my family until I feel comfortable with him. I live with my 14 year old and my other two daughters are in college, so they come home on breaks and some weekends. I recently went on one date with a guy after we talked on the phone for a week or so. During our conversations, I explained in detail that I don't bring random men over. To make a long story short, the man got an attitude because at the end of the date, I told him he couldn't come over. He's a single man with no children, renting a room in a home with 3 other men. At our age, he should have a place of his own. That is, if he wants to date and be intimate with a woman. Definitely, did not have a second date and no one I would want my kids to meet.

Because I know life changed and people can up an leave and the strongest love can seem to drift away some day. Because I seen my mama do EVERYTHING to find someone to love her and ignored me. Because she got 5 daughters, all of who have or have had serious Mama-similar issues with men and all of us were of out her house by or before sixteen, (one of us never even lived with her). Because I really don't want to be like her in a lot of ways, especially that one, Im go keep my dang on legs closed an im go save my babies till after school, and ESPECIALLY after marriage. I know a MR. and MRS. doesn't even ensure that those kids won't be fatherless and growing up in a steady house. But I believe its a first step to something and when I marry a man it won't be just because he's good to me, it willl be because he'll be good to our children. And that no matter any amount of hate and change we might experience on our level, we will always have that love to give our kids the best. I told God I would not bring a child into this world, and if I did, it would be with the man He said I was meant to be with, and the only male face I want them to wake up to is their father. Life changes, I believe that. But you got to start somewhere, and I don't believe God will put me in a situation, (if I wait like I say I will), where my kids have to have a mama and dad like mine.

Wow!! This blog has been very insightful for me. It has also caused to re-evaluate how I personally feel about somethings. I have been a step-child for approximately 27 years of my life. I never got a chance to know my biological father because he was killed when I was a baby. Therefore, over the years, I never got to experience a life with a father who actually cared or took care of me. I have 4 other siblings and experiencing life as a step-child can be quite difficult at times. There are very few women or men who will treat another individual's child as their own without hesitation. My mother only had 3 relationships in her life, in which her children were born. Even with that being said, for the most part I do feel that she did put her children first. However, it is only natural and human nature to want companionship. There are times I feel like our [the children] feelings were put aside for personal reasons. Up until last year, I never considered dating a man with children [or one that actually played the single father role]. Just from observation of family and friends, constantly bringing someone new around children can complicate the situation and really confuse the child. I do believe that parents should be very cautious about who and when they bring a significant other into the life of their children. Honestly, I do see how a single father [who works full-time also] really has time to allocate or invest in someone else. The children should be the primary focus/priority; but if you tell a woman that you are interested in her......how do you show it and when do you have time for her? Being patient and understanding of the situation is understood, but personally I feel that after about 6 months, the woman/significant other needs something to hold onto. To say on a consistent basis, "I really do like you and want more, but I have a lot of things I am dealing with;" gets a little old and frustrating. Actions speak louder than words. But then again, I guess it is an individual decision with different situations. No, I don't have children, so I don't really know or understand everything that a single parent goes through. However, before my sister re-married, she was single for a while and we [as a family] assisted her as much as possible with the care of her children.....therefore, I do empathize........but I still wonder how and when the single parent has the time to allocate to someone else?

@THATgyrl Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. That means a lot to me. I learned a lot because I love my mom and I forgive her for everything she did, and God counted all my tears at the altar because He sent me a true family within my church. I'm go do my best to give my children what they deserve, and myself cause no woman should have a man at home an got to venture out they door just to find love.

I'm a single father of 3 boys 2 of whom live with me aged 17 and 7.

You said, "If my children don’t vibe well with a particular woman I’m dating it changes the relationship—drastically."

and you also said, "Personally, I never introduce women to my children under any circumstances unless I’m positive that said woman is going to be a permanent fixture in my life."

As for me, I can't conclude that a woman is going to be a permanent fixture in my life if she doesn't vibe well with my children. I'll go further to say that if she doesn't vibe well with my children she won't be a part of my life at all. So with that said I prefer for someone to meet my kids early on not as a romantic partner but as an acquaintance. I find children are extremely intuitive so if they don't vibe well with a potential romantic interest I have to ask why. Often I'll find there are reasons behind it and I need to rethink my interest. As an example, I recently met a woman who when meeting my youngest son for the 1st time barely acknowledged him. I immediately lost interest because I think it takes an unfeeling person to not even greet a child, any child for that matter, with a simple, "Hi what's you name?"