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Are You Willing to Invest in Love? (Successful & Lonely)

Posted by NWSO • March 6, 2010 • Printer-friendly

Greetings, Sock Heads,

Last weekend, I made a couple of announcements. The first was the launch of the @ThatsABadLook Twitter page (full dot com coming sooner) and the second was regular video content on Saturdays. Yup, that means six days of NWSO—even God rested on the seventh day.

With that said, I’d like to introduce y’all to OneDegreeFrom.Me’s Paul Carrick Brunson, aka the Modern Day Matchmaker. Will Smith’s Hitch was just a movie, but Paul is the real deal. For the past 10 years, he’s played matchmaker and relationship coach to various friends and family members. After numerous successes in helping those close to him find happy and long lasting relationships, Paul turned this hobby into a full-fledged business.

Unlike many other relationship coaches who are single, Paul has been happily married to his beautiful wife for eight years (sorry, ladies). Not only does his knowledge of what it takes to have a happy marriage influence his match making, but he is also able to leverage his professional network to enhance the matches of his clients.

In addition to making real-life love connections, Paul started an online vlog/web series The Modern Day Matchmaker, where he offers up relationship advice and tips. That’s right up my alley so we decided to join forces. In addition to providing NWSO with his vlog episodes, Paul will help me bring some of the blog topics to life with man on the street interviews and other creative on-camera collaborations.

In this week’s episode Paul uses writer DeNeen L. Brown’s controversial Washington Post article, entitled “Successful, Black & Lonely” to illustrate an interesting philosophy on how people should approach dating. Basically, it’s all about what he calls the “shopping mentality vs. investment mentality.” The latter is what it’s all about. You have to be willing to invest time and to truly foster a loving relationship.

But I’ll have Paul tell you himself…

What did you think of Paul’s advice? Do you agree that not enough people are willing to invest in love and expect things to just fall into place? Do you buy into the whole successful, Black and single “epidemic” that the media keeps reporting? Do you understand the difference between settling and reasonable sacrifice in the pursuit of happiness? How much are you willing to invest in love? Are you excited to see video content coming to NWSO?

Speak your piece…

**BONUS**

Do You Know Where to Find “Good” Men & Women…?

Paul Carrick Brunson is hosting a eight-city tour with a panel of experts for a night of entertainment and real talk about sex, love and relationships. The first taped event will take place in Washington, DC on Saturday, March 27, 2010. (See flyer below for location and specific details).

Following that the tour will hit New York City in May (featuring Anslem “NWSO” Samuel as a panelist), Philadelphia in June, Chicago in July, Atlanta in August, Boston in September, Los Angeles in October and London, England in November.

To purchase tickets for the event nearest you, go to the Eventbrite Ticket Purchase Site by CLICKING HERE.

PLEASE NOTE: The first 300 NakedWithSocksOn.com readers to purchase tickets can receive a discounted rate by entering the following discount code “NWSO.” The code applies only to the full access show & after-party ($25) and show-only ($20) tickets, NOT the after-party only ($10) ticket.

For the most up to date location info on all subsequent events, be sure to check the OneDegreeFrom.Me FaceBook Fan/Event Page by CLICKING HERE.

Eventbrite Widget w/ Countdown Clock

Modern Day Matchmaker LIVE DC Extended Flier

Tagged as: Marriage/Love, OneDegreeFromMe, Paul Carrick Brunson, single ladies, successful black & lonely, Washington Post

Miss Cocoa Luvmiss cocoa luv

So proud of you Ans!
God’s Gift…

Wow!

I loved the video; he speaks the truth.

I personally believe that educated, successful black women feel entitled (myself included) and are not willing to work with a brotha.
http://msblackmanbriefing.wordpress.com MsBlackmanSays

Great job...really impressed...the analogy was spot-on.

Looking forward to the event in NY!
shenice85

I truly liked the shopper vs. investment message. I'm at the point where I'm debating if I would like to invest. I feel like I'm at war with my wants and needs. Playing-it-safe is always a good thing, but my heart desires so much more.
rwifey

doing all of that

i'll be there when he comes to nyc
bumblebee88

I wholeheartedly agree with Paul ... and thankfully my heart is too impulsive and not prejudiced enough to shop for men. But, this may also be to my detriment.

Continuing this 'shopping' analogy though, you wouldn't make an extremely important purchase (a lifelong partner) without some sort of criteria in your head. I think he was slightly too hard on Helena. Yes, maybe her ideals were slightly inflated but women who want a successful man, are not just looking for a partner with considerable wealth (excluding gold diggers). They are looking for someone who is willing to work, someone who is willing to put time and effort into harvesting a solid relationship. Successful men tend to not be afraid of labour so they are eagerly sought after.

I don't know why people are surprised about the proportion of blacks females that are single. This is the 21st century: we are more educated than ever and refuse to stay under a cloud of submissiveness. We know what we want and we say it. Maybe a little too much ...

I for one, am not actively seeking a relationship right now. I naively think that everything will organically fall into place when i am ready

But to all the ladies looking: keep your standards high and be malleable. Sometimes you have to bend for a brother.

We must learn the art of compromise, there is more to be gained than lost. Shining example: The OBAMAS.
da ThRONe

Im impressed and I dont impress easily. Dude know what he's talking about. He brought to light some of the very things that I have stressed here.

A person should first want a S.O. for the right reasons. And they should pursue it with the same intense passion they pursue every other thing in life.

All in all good find.
Amber

I liked what he said and I want to hear more

"Finding and maintaining a good relationship is harder than getting a graduate degree at a top university"....never saw it like that! I think people think they don't have to work that hard like they would for a degree....good post
ATLs.Marc.of.Excellence

About 2 months ago, dateline did a similar story in Atlanta with these successful Black women.

I got to meet the ladies in a group setting along with a few other guys and was taken aback by this problem with finding a man issue they were having.

I must be hanging in the wrong places, because I have yet to find a woman in any level of profession willing to invest, they all go after the already successful, already got it all kinda dude.
http://msjanelle.blogspot.com freeyourheart

i really hate to stray away from the yes-choir,
but why does it ALWAYS have to be about the women doing all the work?
us sacrificing?
us investing?
why can't a man invest in us?
or us invest in each other?

from what i see,
men "invest" in women who are trophies.
but the atypical beauty (with brains) gets no love.

i have rarely (if ever) seen a man "invest" in a woman that wasn't about a physical come-up for the woman.

i fully understand and felt the investment idea.
however,
i'm so tired of it always being about the women changing their outlook,
and not about men.
at what point do men become accountable for their actions?
juniebug

i thought that was common sense. but it was good hearing it put that way. nice.....

i have a college degree and my boyfriend doesnt have a degree and doesnt make a lot of money where he works (yep fast food). but we fit perfectly in every way. im not the type of woman to say "well he has to have a college degree and make a lot of money". in fact, when i was in college, i hated dating college boys. i dont mind doing any investment. and its funny, because most women have a lot of emotional issues and dont even realize it. they dont even realize they need a man to invest in them as well in that area. they just think they are the perfect woman simply because they have a successful career.

i would rather build a great life from the bottom up with a man then to find a man who is already highly successful. that way, i know that i had something to do with his growth and take pride in that investment. but then again, im just a very simple woman and not materialistic...so i dont mind being with a man who fits me perfectly, treats me perfectly, but doesnt have a perfect bank account.

good luck ladies....and fellas....
juniebug

and i can see your point as well freeyourheart....particularly "men 'invest' inwomen who are trophies. but the atypical beauty (with brains) gets no love. i have rarely (if ever) seen a man “invest” in a woman that wasn’t about a physical come-up for the woman."
da ThRONe

@freeyourheart

Sorry I failed to read or hear anything about this being gender specific. He just brought it to the lady's attention because he saw it as her problem. As a individual not as a female. Investing into relationship is something both parties need to do weither male or female heterosexual or homosexual.

It kills me who a female can see something like this and find something offenses about it. This just shows your problem(one that is common in people). Hearing what you wanna hear not whats said. Most men are simplier meaning as long as we're sexually attracted to a female who is cool you meet our quota. Most men dont care what a females level of sucess is. As long as she is willing to contribute(and some men with money dont care about that).

Traditionally men are the investors. So for most of us it comes natural. Most men issues in or with relationships differ from that of females.
http://www.thoughtsof100k.blogspot.com 100K

Men are accountable for their actions when they show you the real them. One you give that lying man a second chance that's it.

Me...I'm 23, college graduate, entrepreneur and I work...I dont believe in wasting people's time. I'm brutally honest and whether or not women I date like it or not, it's on them. I'll never deny a woman the choice to make a decision without all the facts about me being out in the open

Men are the investors in a relationship. I personally believe in a 50/50 partnership...especially if the female claims that she's "independent". For me, my time is extra valuable so I prefer to know everything about a girl before i go full steam.

I'm really methodical and it does turn some women off...but I'd rather know all that I can and make a conscious decision than to find out something later that would affect my judgment.

I'm at the point where...while I'm not ready for a relationship and I still like dating around, I'd rather get the best dating options I can. I cant date certain types of women because it doesnt benefit either of us
ThatOneAKA

Good post! He's spot on and I'd have to agree with da ThRONe in that he is NOT saying that women have to do ALL of the work. What he is saying (which was glaringly obvious in the newspaper article as well as the ABC piece) is that the list at lot us have are superficial things. I mean really, if you are 5'1" you need a brother that is at least 6'?! I mean for real?! The investment mentality does not = settling... unfortunately we have confused compromise and being malleable with putting up with trifling behavior and lowering our standards. We have also messed up in "looking for perfection" rather than looking for what is "perfect" for us. I don't need or want a baller....that is not a perfect situation for me and what I want and need.

As for me, yes I'm educated and have a great career, but those things don't define me and what I can bring to a relationship. At the end of the day, I want a man who I can submit to because he is submit worthy. He will be invested in me because I am worthy to be invested in and we'll traverse the path of life together...

peace and blessings
http://msjanelle.blogspot.com freeyourheart

@da throne
i'm not specifically saying he was putting women on blast,
but so many of these discussions have to do with women doing the work,
women uplifting their men.

i wholeheartedly agree with the investment idea.

but to say "being cool" is enough to attract a guy,
IF you meet his physical standards is contradicting paul's theory.

my point is men need to invest in something other than attraction.

women want success becomes we equate it with protection and stability.
men want trophies because it furthers their appearance of success and having it all.
i get it.

but how can we BOTH compromise to invest in each other?
we need to do the work,
together,
instead of making it seem like it's all on the woman,
which is how these conversations typically go.

bottom line:
where's the compromise?
http://www.thoughtsof100k.blogspot.com 100K

The reason I'd say that people view it as being all on the woman is that women choose. Men have to actively get out there and let their intentions be known
Anonymous

Poor girl. When are women going to accept that men are not women with balls. Your degrees and professional acheivements/bank account only really means something to a man who is looking to be taken care of. Someone in search of a sugar-mama. I understand why women have a desire to find a good provider, it's partially biological and logical when you consider the facts of life. Men don't have that instinct.

The fact is in our society, as far as we have come, we still hang on to the male-leader of the home/bread-winner idea, even though that is a slowly dissoving possibility or reality.

A man will pick a smoking-hot high-school graduate with a soft, sweet personality waitress before a bitchy, bourgie, high-dolla educated heffa' any day.

Not that its a bad thing to get an education or be a high acheiver, thats great, I encourage it for everyone, but in the actual relationship, that does not really matter...especially for the woman. Men aren't checking for that. For a lot of men, its intimidating and a turn-off, right or wrong. Its great if you have it but if it means you are going to be obsessed with things and a lifestyle that a man is not 100 % sure he can uphold, fagetaboutit! Why even try?

Men want someone who's supportive, uplifting, attractive, assertive, maternal, caring, INTELLIGENT, and NICE. Your resume might land you the perfect job, but your beauty and personality are what matters when finding a mate.

And there are all kinds of "beauty", beauty is in the eye of the beholder so please lets not spiral down into an argument about how men only want women with giant asses who are not black or light-skinned with long "good" hair. Its not about that. Thats just more projection of female's issues on to men. There is almost always SOMEONE out there who will like whatever it is you got. LOL.
novanova

(sorry about the double post)

Poor girl. (on video/article)When are women going to accept that men are not women with balls. Your degrees and professional acheivements/bank account only really means something to a man who is looking to be taken care of. Someone in search of a sugar-mama. I understand why women have a desire to find a good provider, it's partially biological and logical when you consider the facts of life. Men don't have that instinct.

The fact is in our society, as far as we have come, we still hang on to the male-leader of the home/bread-winner idea, even though that is a slowly dissoving possibility or reality.

A man will pick a smoking-hot high-school graduate with a soft, sweet personality waitress before a bitchy, bourgie, high-dolla educated heffa' any day.

Not that its a bad thing to get an education or be a high acheiver, thats great, I encourage it for everyone, but in the actual relationship, that does not really matter...especially for the woman. Men aren't checking for that. For a lot of men, its intimidating and a turn-off, right or wrong. Its great if you have it but if it means you are going to be obsessed with things and a lifestyle that a man is not 100 % sure he can uphold, fagetaboutit! Why even try?

Men want someone who's supportive, uplifting, attractive, assertive, maternal, caring, INTELLIGENT, and NICE. Your resume might land you the perfect job, but your beauty and personality are what matters when finding a mate.

And there are all kinds of "beauty", beauty is in the eye of the beholder so please lets not spiral down into an argument about how men only want women with giant asses who are not black or light-skinned with long "good" hair. Its not about that. Thats just more projection of female's issues on to men. There is almost always SOMEONE out there who will like whatever it is you got. LOL.
da ThRONe

@freeyourmind

Some people are conditioned to compromise while some arent. Noticed I said "Some People" not some males or females. I could easily point out plenty of females who refuse to accepted a really good human male because she has a dollar amount in her head that she feels said man needs to make.

There are also a ton of males who need to invest as well. They need to understand you dont jeopardize your multi-million dollar home for a hotel suite. We need to understand even though a car has a good paint job and rims its nothing if the engine is screwed up.

But to defend him he wasnt addressing just anybody he was adressing her. And the advice he give was good for all genders.
LaVonda

This is spot on. He had simple, practical, common sense advice. I loved the ending! (That hat analogy)

Also, parents will teach their daughters to look for the money as opposed to a man with a heart of gold. It's really not that difficult to find. I firmly agree that they are everywhere, we just have to be willing to take our time.

And I agree--it goes both ways.
Rastaman

I think this dude has brought the relationship dilemna down to the nitty gritty. Life is about investing, we appreciate thing more when we put time an effort into it and it becomes what we aspired for in the beginning. As DaThrone points out so succinctly men invest in women all the time. Contrary to what some folks believe it is not always about looks. I know very successful men who have married women who many onlookers comment are not in their class. But when you have spoken to those men privately they will tell you that without that woman they would have achieved all they have today. The truth is these couples invested in each other. It is about working together for success.

The facts are different people bring different skills/abilities to a relationship. Scholarship and financial prospects are just 2 of those things. Being malleable is something I have learned over the course of my dating life and I can tell you its more than worth it. Not every chance I took was successful but I began to understand that the things I truly valued in a woman can be in a package I never originally envisioned. You have to invest the time and effort into discovering those things too.

An investment is the ability to identify certain factors that you believe hold the possibility to provide you a return over time that you seek. Over time being key too.
QueenDenise

I totally agree with Paul the video came as a blessing to me.
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com Tiffany

He's right we are have these crazy lists and instead of realistic things we have stupid ideals of having someone to keep are beds warm. Great video, I look forward to reading more.

Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/
keisha brown

london england but no love for your friendly northern neighbours? *insert tears here. would have loved to attend if nothing else, 2 of my absolute fave blogs (VSB is the TRUTH!!) and NWSO. *cries to self and plots on how to bring this series to the city of Drake.

as for ALL of this stuff. i am at a loss to be honest. im so damn tired. i feel like this dialogue is going to go round and round with no end in sight. there are a myriad of reasons why i am single. some of the variables are within my control and others are not. it's sad that the trending topic (#notwitter) is to continuously beat into black women that we either need to a) resign ourselves to a life of singledom b) stop waiting for our ideal man to have our same shade of skin colour c)not post our pics on online dating sites and the list goes on and on. did i mention that i was tired?

there are no hardfast rules on what to do to get, catch, find and keep a man. if they were: dating sites and Hitch wouldn't exist. you can follow the general rules and still end up single. (and for the record, being single for a short term or long is not a death sentence).

a girl wants to be able to dream right? whether it's of the man who will sweep us off our feet, propose with a tiffany ring, serve us breakfast in bed, or just receive and return our affections: can't we just let a girl dream?

*deep sigh.
novanova

@freeyourheart

Every relationship has compromise. It is near-impossible to find someone who is so in tune with you that there is no need for give and take.

Despite what most women think, men do care about more than just looks, why not? We are attracted to certain peple for a reason that should not be overlooked.

Just because a man has a woman with "trophy" looks does not mean that there is not somthing deeper there. Any man will play with a shiny toy for a little while but few will invest in one unless it has some real value.

The throne was right :
"as long as we’re sexually attracted to a female who is cool you meet our quota"

Women have to accept that for men,18-50, somtimes older,sex drives are a strong force in the minds of men. It pops into a man's head 100 times a day, attractive women are everywhere and to have to go home and only be able to release all that pent up desire with a woman that you are not attracted to is torture and a lot of work. Once again, men are not women. Men are not moved to have sex because of love. Men love you AND they want to have sex with you, men dont' want to have sex with you BECAUSE they love you. SEX IS NOT REALLY AN ACT OF LOVE.

Thats why attraction is so high up on the list for men. It is what it is, you gotta accept it or spend the rest of your life in the company of woman and gay men.
http://msjanelle.blogspot.com freeyourheart

@keisha brown

i feel your frustration with this convo,
specifically regarding black women,
ad nauseum.
(yes.
i'll concede paul was addressing the writer,
but he is is adding to the single black woman dialogue.)

i was joking with a friend and asked,
is the plight of single, black woman the media's new way to address black history month and black issues?

i agree with you on so many fronts.
i'm tired of the conversation.
i can work on self-improvement and open mindedness,
but that doesn't guarantee i'll find my he.
me submitting/conceding/comprimising/investing also doesn't guarantee it'll be easier to or that i will find my he.
and why can't i dream a little bit?
we can dream big with our life,
our career,
our closets,
but not at all with our love life?

i'm glad someone else sees it the way i do.
da ThRONe

@freeyourheart and Keisha Brown

You can take the advice one of two ways. You can see it as helpful and apply it or see it as unhelpful and dismiss it.

But dont complain about your current status then turn your nose up at quailty advise just because you choose not to put the effort forward to fix the problem.

He isnt suggesting that people give up on their dreams. Rather he's suggesting you be realistic about your dreams. If your weak and dislike math why try to become an accountant?

Likewise if your goal is to be in a healthy happy relationship. Why judge your potential mates off of aspects that are irrelevant? What do you expect if you set your standards so high only a small percentage of men qualify?
http://msjanelle.blogspot.com freeyourheart

@da throne,

you're either assuming things or misunderstanding me.
i'm not shunning his advice at all.
i have said many times above that i agree with his concept of investment.
it was a lightbulb moment.

however,
this is a forum for discourse,
and there's other issues that arose from his insight.

we ALL need to compromise.
still dream but be realistic.
but like @keisha brown said,
there's no magic formula for getting and keeping a significant other.
and i feel there's a double standard that exists in this SBW conversation that i'm not with.
(again,
as i said before,
paul is addressing the writer,
but also contributing to the SBW dialogue.)

i intentionally never mentioned my status,
personal experiences with dating,
or talked about my attributes.
and i did mention working towards self-improvement and being open minded/realistic.

you can embrace a thought but still question aspects of the argument.
but i guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
novanova

@keisha brown

You can dream all you want but what happens when you wake up? Dreaming is great if you are planning to be asleep your whole life.

Miracles happen and dreams do come true but rarely do they come in a neat little package when you decide that you are ready.

The root of Paul's argument is doing the work to make your dream come true instead of waiting for it to magically pop in like a quarter from the Tooth- Fairy. News flash! The Tooth fairy isn't real, your mom put that there, and she had to work two weeks to get the check that she cashed to have the money to put it there too.
keisha brown

@da ThRONe,

1. advice from anyone can always be taken 1 of those 2 ways stated. but the other is to file it away as food for thought and take it with a grain of salt. with the constant barrage of opinions about this particular topic of late, that's how i'm choosing to take it.

2. i dont know where in my comment, i was "complaining about my current status". i simply mentioned the staight fact: i'm single for things beyond and within my control. your statement of: "turn your nose up at quailty advise just because you choose not to put the effort forward to fix the problem "- is insulting at best as you know nothing about why im single and the efforts i've been making. you also make another presumption that being single is a problem i see that needs to be fixed.

3. dreams by nature aren't realistic. they aren't rooted in the same logic as career pursuits. if my goal is to become an accountant and i hate math, i have to examine the reasons why my goal is to become an accountant or figure out a way to get past my hatred for math. a dream is becoming an nba player. everyone knows what the odds are of doing that, yet ppl still have the dream well beyond when they should give it up. some people can turn their dreams into their goals. others should turn their goals into dreams.

4. everyone has standards and criteria in which they judge their potential mates. (i've read the ass vs titties NWSO post). since you don't know me, i will presume your last comment isn't directed at me, but the 'general you'. at the end of the day: what one person feels is irrelevant, is a deal-breaker for others. who am i to tell someone to change their list/standards? who is anyone to tell me to change mine? why is having high standards all of a sudden an evil flaw? when buying a house, you want certain things and others are considered extras. but such an important and life changing purchase, you want to make sure it meets your criteria. finding a life partner is just as life changing and just as big an investment (maybe not on the financial scale, but definately on the emotional one). i'm not going to open myself up to people who aren't going to add value to my life, just for the sake of a ring on my finger and a man in my bed. i'm also not going to have a man fill out a questionnaire and dismiss him if he doesn't make 6 figures either. There are plenty of women whose standards aren't high enough and they end up with babies or worse diseases, stigmatized and alone.

You do you and I'll continue to do me.
keisha brown

@novanova,

you are right, if not somewhat condescending. i used a poor choice of words. the word i should have used was hope.

i am a black woman, so can only speak from that perspective. right now, there seems to be what can be percieved as an attack on single black females. if i were one to take all these articles, news shows, posts etc.. to heart: i would feel like no matter what i do, i am destined to have to settle for less than what i want and deserve or be single forever as a result of my ambitions to achieve in life what i want.

hope is why people date after a heartbreak. why they put themselves out there. why they join datiing sites. why they try new things and take risks. why they go out on blind dates. hope is what keeps people focused and motivated. is all hope is lost (as the numbers suggest they should be), then what?

in 2008, your president was elected riding the wave of change. people had lost a lot of their hope, and he became a symbol that if you could dig a little deeper, maybe you could find just a little bit to hope for a better country/future. enough people did that and the result was the first black president. hope is a wonderful thing.

there isn't enough space on this blog, enough time in the day to explain everything about me that makes me who i am. i am a simple female who is trying to do things 'the right way' to make myself happy and my parents proud. i have set high standards for my siblings to strive for. i have used adversity to beat the odds. i have short-term and long-term goals and can see myself attaining them. that is a little bit of me. and for every man that is allegedly 'intimidated', is not interested in me, or is out of my league - there are others who aren't. the others is a plentiful pool of people to try and fish from.

i have and will continue to work towards what i want and what i believe in. and if i want to believe in the tooth fairy, then so be it. believing in the tooth fairy, never killed anybody. nor did it ever destroy them beyond repair when they found out she doesn't exist.

finally for the record, there is a multi-billion dollar industry that plays on and hopes for all of us women to dream - the wedding industry. some fall prey to it easier more than others. some dream big (and beyond their means and scope) and some dream small. but if NONE of these dreams EVER came true, the entire industry, tiffanys, vera wang etc.. - would cease to exist.
Sherell

I saw this a few months back. I agree that folks need to invest in relationships . The point he made IMO is not that deep. When I read the article in the Washington Post, my thoughts were that many women feel that once they have achieved certain things they are entitled to that "special man" and they have this long list of must haves. ( over 6 feet, making over $150K.........etc The reality is that the numbers just don't match up. Even if all the bothas were willing ,there are just not enough to go around.

But I think the main issue is that the qualities that make you sucessful as a professional in certain careers and in higher education are not the qualities that make you sucessful in a relationship for a woman. And I would venture to say that those qualities can actually make it harder for a woman to be sucessful in a relationship.

Many women are willing to invest and have invested in finding a mate. But I think alot of self reflection and more importantly redirection is required.
Sherell

Also, did anyone get what Paul sacrificed when he met and married his wife?
bumblebee88

@ATLs.Marc.of.Excellence

You MUST be hanging in the wrong places.

@novanova

"There is almost always SOMEONE out there who will like whatever it is you got. LOL."

I agree.

@da ThRONe

I for once, completely agree with everything you've said

@Rastaman

You are a revelation. Are you single?

@keisha brown

Wow ... Why is a woman as intelligent and as passionate as you single?

I am a fellow londoner. It must be the cold air.

Ladies & Gentlemen ... Rome was not built in a day. Stone by stone, brick by brick. Anything worth something involves some degree of hustle. Make it work.
novanova

@keisha brown

I did not mean to be condecending, I just absolutely hate to see people unhappy. I'm a pain sponge, I can't even watch those "feed the children" commercials. Forgive me.

I think life has challenges and they are neccessary to build character and they often lead us down the path of self discovery where we learn valuable things about ourselves. Thats a priceless gift.

This issue is a challenge. To find a person amongst the billions on this earth to possibly spend the rest of your life with, mostly in peace and harmony. Thats a tall order for anyone.

I especially hate to see good, well intentioned black women sitting alone in fantastic condos, apartments and houses alone and unfufilled after a liftime of hard work and overcomming obstacles.

They want and deserve love just as much as anyone else. But I see them getting in their own way all the time.

There is not really an assault on black women, however the black community in the us and around the world is in trouble and when you examine the issues, they all lead back to the destruction of the family, especially the black family. The main issue being examined is single PEOPLE who are unhappy bing single, Paul just used this chick as a jump off to attack the issue.

Also, numbers don't lie, the numbers of unmarried/never married black women in comparision to white and other nationalities is higher. Don't confuse the discussion and I guess the mainstream exposure of the issue with an assault. As uncomfortable as the conversation is, the conversation itself is not as painful as the reality.
Elle

While he is on point, this is nothing new.

Many people (not gender specific) have their priorities ass backwards to begin with. They they are too stubborn to re-evaluate them or to settle on one or two of them. After some years of being single they then turn around and settle. Only problem with that is, they settle in regards to the wrong criteria.

I'll never get that. Relationships and love are not that freaking hard. People just make it hard artificially by switching off their common sense.

Oh and on the "edcuated" issue:
If more women were willing to "marry down" they'd experience love and happiness at a higher rate. Just saying. Your college degree (or your partner's) does not keep you warm at night, nor is it there for you when you are sick and it certainly can't make you laugh on a rough day.
Siante J

Well said by Paul.
Keisha Brown

@ novanova,

thanks for clarifying your position. i agree that the black community has serious problems and it stems from the breakdown of family. but that alone shouldn't be shouldered by one side. single moms aren't impregnating themselves.

numbers CAN lie - that's why all stats have to examined at a deeper level. if 40% of black men are in jail, 20% only have a high school education and lets say 10% have no interest in dating black females, that means all the college-educated, career-driven ladies are all fighting for the same 40% of men. and let's not forget the estimated 10% that are gay. I refuse to let these numbers get me down. It's also why I allow myself to see beyond my borders (I'm in Toronto, but have dated men from the US). I increase my odds with pools in 2 countries!

@ Elle,
I definately hear what you are saying. I do disagree that women should marry down. If I was brought up to value an education, and would want to instill that in my kids - why wouldn't I want a partner that values the same thing? Wouldn't I want my future partner to raise our future children with the same values and not conflicting ones? I don't equate going to school/having a degree with being better than not, and I know my degree has nothing to do with getting or keeping a man, I'd rather be with someone who has the same drive/work ethic that I do. That will feel confortable in the environments that I'm in. and vice versa.

It's also an insult to men that we should marry down. I guess if the man doesn't ever know, they won't care - but no one should ever settle or BE settled for.

@ bumblebee88
I believe I'm single because it's just not my time. I do what I can to keep myself visible to be found, but alas...
Sherell

@Keisha

May I ask, what degrees your parents and grandparents have?
Keisha Brown

@ Sherell,

My grandparents were Ministers. My mom has a diploma in Nursing. Why do you ask?
Sherell

I have met many black women that specify that will not consider a partner unless they have certain degrees and many of them have wonderful, smart and sucessful parents and grandparents that do not.

A friend of mine that had a long list of "must haves" and was not meeting very many black men that fit the bill, was having a conversation with her mother one day. Her mother mentioned to her that based on her list , her own father wouldn't qualify. Now this was a Daddy's girl and her and her father had a great relationship and he had been an excellent provider, was smart(intellectually curious), hardworking, kind, generous, and patient. He paid for all four of her siblings to go to college, but had never gone to college. It really got my friend to thinking and she ultimately revised her list. Something to think about.
Keisha Brown

@ Sherell,

That's a very good point. I'm not a parent but from what I know, most push their kids to go farther and have more than they did. My mom being 1 of 14, pushed me and my sibs to go to school and accomplish more because education in the West Indies was harder to come by. (Ie: paying to go to school past the 8th grade).

A university degree is not a deal-breaker for me. Especially since most ppl I know (incl myself) had to go back to college for a diploma/certificate in something more applicable to everyday life. What is a deal-breaker for me is not doing anything worthwhile/working hard in the pursuit of something. If you are launching your own business, great! You are driven, focused and ambitious. I would like to be in a relationship that is balanced. If that's too much to ask for..then I'm in bigger trouble than I thought.

I'll now remove myself from my soapbox and stop hijacking the thread.

Have a great day everyone.
Chanel

I work in business journalism, so I LOVE the shopping vs. investment approaches shown here. At last, some sensible dating advice! I do think that Paul (who needs his own show right now -- Dr. Phil who?) missed a golden opportunity to illustrate the very fine line between "investing" in a potential mate and lowering standards too much. After all, who wants to go broke on a fixer-upper? Just saying...
illbdat

the brother hit it on the head....as men and women we go about it mostly wrong in the beginning and backing into things throwing err to the wind... then we check the market, realize that some things are not what they were to be and try to end up with what we want/need..... in the mix of it all we want it to come show room ready wrapped w a bow and ready to go..... very rarely does it happen that way.... that knight or prince charming or woman of our dreams is rarely sitting there in the way we want; and if they are beware....
Jessica J

Ok I won't lie, when I saw his face, I snapped my fingers and said dang his wfie got him lol. But that was a really good video. Loved the scene at the car dealership.

Personally I don't understand why people assume just because you have something or more of something than others, your more qualified for love. I've always thought love to be that things that wants you and needs you at your bare mininum. That will take you naked an broke as long as you got that heart and mindset.

Why does a degree and money mean your "supposed" to be in love? I didn't know love was a contest to see who could be the richest and smartest an, an those people were the ones who shouldn't be lonely.
Ms P

Wow, another great post. Love it & I must recommend this to some folks that I know. He spoke the truth & I agree with him 100%. Although it is nice to have someone who has a degree like you have, please remember there are so many good men who don't have one but work hard & provide for their families every day. Meanwhile there are men out here who thiink like a lot of women that their degrees & big cars should take the place of love & respect. My grandmother cleaned white folks' houses but when she retired at an early age she owned her own home & traveled the world. Oh yeah she never even made it to high school. Meanwhile my grandfather went to Tuskgekee @ 16 & died a penniless alcoholic who did nothing to help his children. I am not talking to anyone specifically but it is just somethng to ponder. i believe Keisha mentioned wanting someone with drive. That's great & I agree. However, a college degree doesn't automatically equal drive.

I love the investment aspect. As a former "shopper" & now serious "investor", he is soooo right. For all of you who are waiting, expect that it is coming. A delay is not a denial. I am living proof. I could give you a testimony right now but it would take too much time. LOL. Just keep telling yourself a delay is not a denial. When you find the one who is not perfect, but is perfect for YOU, then prepare to invest. As a person who is invests in stocks it takes time for a return most of the time. Find the one who is worthy & is also investing in YOU. The returns will come. It is inevitable.And again a delay is not a denial.
Elaine

I definitely agree with Paul's advice of making the distinction between shopping v. investing when seeking a serious relationship. However, I think there are many single, black and lonely women (including myself) who practice the investing methodology...sometimes to their detriment. So what then? I can't say that I've encountered a lot of men that I felt met my "criteria", but in one instance where I thought I did, a four year relationship ended because of his insecurities and his rationale that "I deserved better". I have to say I was a little sour after this relationship was over because I felt someone else was going to reap the fruit of my investment...ah well, lol. It was definitely a learning experience though. In another instance, the relationship never even got the chance to start because "he was intimidated and never thought I was attainable" because I'm 6 years older.

Based on these experiences, I'm a little leery of making future investments (it's emotionally draining), but that doesn't mean I still won't take the chance on someone I think is worth it. It's just difficult and frustrating when you see more in someone than they see/want for themselves. Personally, I don't think my issue is investing, my choice in men (I still believe both guys in my examples are great), it seems to be timing and I'm confident that one of these days the timing will be right.
Elle

@Keisha Brown

IMHO "marry down" does not equal settling for a person. I do not settle when I decide to be with a man who treats me and loves me the way I need to be treated and loved. Degree or no degree has no bearing on that. I hold the men that I consider as a partner to the very same standards in regards to what I expect on an emotional, interpersonal level. On those criteria there is no such thing as settling because they determine the quality and likely the outcome of the relationship.
Such superficialities such as formal education or a certain career path have no influence on said non-negotiables. A man working as a waiter can love me the right way even though we come from different paths of life as far as education is concerned because he meets my emotional needs whereas a guy I went to college with does not know left from right and the only thing we may have in common is that certificate on the wall. Extreme examples, but you catch my drift. A person's profession says nothing about them in regards to their ability to be a wonderful husband/wife - at least IMHO.

While I agree with you on that couples should enforce the same values when raising children, I do not understand where college education falls into the value system.
Values are things along the lines of being hard working, being driven to better oneself continuously, being good or great at what you do. But said values are not exclusive to formal education. You can be one hellova mechanic if this is your passion. Why shouldn't my kids be able to look up to a father like that simply because he didn't go to college?
And let's be honest here: college degrees do not mean isht nowadays as you have people with a master's working as cabbies or in sales simply because these are the times we live in.
Besides, does that mean you would want or even force your kids to go to college simply because you did and therefore believe it is the right path for them as well?
Personally, I believe everyone should do what they are good at and what they have a passion for (if possible). If that requires a degree, well then you'll have to get one. But if it doesn't, what's the point of forcing everyone into the educational system "just because it looks good on paper". One size definitely does not fit all as far as formal education and the use of it is concerned.

PS: Nevermind, I read your response to Sherell after typing all of this
Garcia

I completely agree with this article but I think there is one thing to consider....what if you "invest" on the one person you think is the right one to invest on but that person simply doesn't want to .......be invested on?
PinkKitty

Preach!!!!

I am soo tired of these seminars telling women to get their acts together to get better men, whilst NEVER mentioning that the men need to get their sh*t together!

There are all kinds of books, radio talk shows, self improvement seminars that spread the b.s. notion that wome are not doing enough for our men. We need to hit the gym more, read more, submit more, make him feel better about himself, cook more, talk less, give him more sex, stop having their babies out of wedlock..... etc.

However, no one tells the men to be more considerate, show more compassion, better their education, earn more money, provide for their children, don't hav children out of wedlock, be more loving, cheat less, lie less, be more responsible.

No one holds our males accountable for the dumbness that they do (this includes women). They just excuse away males bad habits, while women are lambasted for theirs.
PinkKitty

Although thhe topic aws not gender specific, these types of forums are usually geared to women, adn what they are or are not doing in their relationship.

Women are usually the attendees at these events, so I guess that is why they are usually targeted. It is rare that a man would try to attend anything geared toward self improvement... that is unless there is a gym involved. LMAO!
PinkKitty

"Not that its a bad thing to get an education or be a high acheiver, thats great, I encourage it for everyone, but in the actual relationship, that does not really matter…especially for the woman. Men aren’t checking for that. For a lot of men, its intimidating and a turn-off, right or wrong. Its great if you have it but if it means you are going to be obsessed with things and a lifestyle that a man is not 100 % sure he can uphold, fagetaboutit! Why even try?"

In my honest opinion, a coward is what you've just described. I never believed that a man is intimidated by a woman's education nor her success. I believe that her accomplishments remind him of his failures or his inability to attain certain goals. And, whose fault is that, His. Why should a woman be punished because a man did not meet his life's gaols? Why should a woman have to lower her career or educational aspirations in an attempt to appease a man's ego?

That is a very sad case. Education and personal accomplishments are to be encouraged and celebrated not used as an excuse to make the other person feel bad for actually meeting their goals.