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Would You Sign a Dating Contract? (What’s Mine is Mine)

Posted by NWSO • March 11, 2010 • Printer-friendly

Maybe I’ve been too busy to notice but according to a February 23 New York Post article, more and more people are signing pre-prenups. Basically, it’s a dating contract.

Now why on Earth would people need a dating contract, you ask? Well, according to the US Census Bureau, the number of unmarried couples living together shot up 88 percent from 1990 to 2007. With so many people shacking up, some couples are starting to see the value in having something in writing in the event that they break up and there are nasty disputes over what belongs to whom (among other things to squabble over). I guess that his and hers towel set is the least of people’s worries after a split.

Oddly enough, these pre-prenups aren’t that new. Gay/lesbian couples have actually been using them for a while now, which is understandable considering a lot of states won’t let same sex couples get married.

In theory, these cohabitation agreements/dating contracts kind of make sense. Once people start intermingling funds, property and living quarters, things could get messy in the event of a breakup. Someone might get spiteful and want to keep, break or take back a “gift” and this little piece of paper could clear up any potential drama—much like a regular prenup.

Not all these agreements are about the end of a relationship, some just put certain things in writing so that everything’s clear. For instance, the article referenced one couple where the boyfriend paid his girlfriend’s way through college with the agreement that once she graduated she’d pay for his master’s. According to the lawyer who brokered the deal, “They weren’t thinking in terms of what if they broke up, they just wanted to put it down on paper.”

The article highlighted a lot of interesting variations of pre-prenups. Some folks wanted to ensure who got rights to the pet(s), some wanted to lay out who kept the apartment, some went so far as to decree who kept particular friends or communication with certain relatives post-breakup. You can have just about anything in these agreements. Well, anything except sex because that would fall under the umbrella of prostitution, which is frowned upon.

The most interesting scenario I came across in the article was a relationship blogger who drafted up a contract with his girlfriend that specified what he could or couldn’t write about. Hmmm, imagine if a woman I was dating hit me with one of those pre-prenups; that might spell the end of NWSO as we know it. So I guess I’ll have to pass on that one.

But if you’re interested in drafting up your own dating agreement, it can be as simple as a mutually acknowledged e-mail that can serve as binding contracts. Or you could just create your own pre-prenup:

* Discuss the idea with your partner and decide if a pre-prenup is necessary and important to you both.

* If you have valuable possessions, consult a lawyer. “If you have nothing, you can split nothing both ways,” says family law attorney Philip A. Greenberg. “But if you have property, or one is putting the other through school, it’s not something you should do yourselves.”

* If your valuables are more big sentiment than big bucks, consider drafting your own agreement and put it in writing, complete with signatures and witnesses. “If the only issue is Fido, then you don’t need a lawyer,” Greenberg says. “Two intelligent people can come up with an agreement.”

* Choose what to include in your cohab agreement. Items to consider: shared property, partner support, pre-relationship or future debts, joint household purchases, educational expenses, pets, life insurance, health proxies and joint banking accounts—among others. You can even list rules for your relationship and possible breakup, although enforcing these can be tricky.

* Revisit your dating prenup whenever a significant life event or change in circumstance occurs in your relationship. If you go from renting to owning together, or one wants to quit work for school, “you want to provide for that,” says Greenberg. “You have to use some common sense.”

Would you sign a dating contract? What would you include in your own draft of a pre-prenup? Do you think that this is a good idea or just another example of how messed up the world of dating has gotten? Would you feel offended if your live-in BF/GF asked you to sign one of these contracts? Do you think it’s silly that people are willing to draft up pre-prenups but can’t commit to marriage? Do you think that prenups display a lack of trust in your partner? Or is it just wise to protect yourself no matter what?

Speak your piece…

BONUS:

Dave Chappelle "Love Contract" skit

Chappelle's Show

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs

True Hollywood Story

Tagged as: break up, dating contract, New York Post, pre-prenup, prenup, prenuptial agreement

GinaMarie

LOL...To be honest I think this is a great idea! Lets face it, after a while of dating someone, living together, sharing assets and properites, etc it is important that we separate our property. Especially if you are a person with alot of money. Like @DC Cookies stated...dating is temporary. There is no gurantee that you will be together. And I also think it is a great idea for those who do not necessary believe in the institution of marriage. I would not be offend at all if someone ask me to sign a dating prenup. In fact, now that I know about it I might be the one that presents the contract.

http://talkingtobrownsuga.wordpress.com/
http://twitter.com/GinaMarie314
mizze

i would not be opposed to the idea of i were in that situation and I can see where people are coming from in doing it.
DC Cookies

Dating Prenups make sense. I would actually sign one that would include things such as living arrangements, cars, just big ticket items that you would want. If I was to split, I would want the bed but he could keep the couch...Just a thought.

We all go into relationships with high hopes but dating is dating. You aren't married yet. I would sooner sign a dating prenup than an actual prenup. Once you propose and we are taking that next step, you trust me fully. What is yours is mine and what is mine is mine...Did I say that right?....Anywho

It isn't about trust but most relationships are temporary.
http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com/blog Dewan W. Gibson

Hell no! Unless it's a short-term NBA style 10-day contract.
GinaMarie

LOL…To be honest I think this is a great idea! Lets face it, after a while of dating someone, living together, sharing assets and properites, etc it is important that we separate our property. Especially if you are a person with alot of money. Like @DC Cookies stated…dating is temporary. There is no gurantee that you will be together. And I also think it is a great idea for those who do not necessary believe in the institution of marriage. I would not be offend at all if someone ask me to sign a dating prenup. In fact, now that I know about it I might be the one that presents the contract.
Classic Ruby

Awwwww...because I'm in Canada apparently I can't watch the video unless I go directly to the site and search for it. So for now I guess I'll just have to imagine all the laughs I would have had...*sigh*
LOL

Anywho, I would be well offended if somebody asked me to sign a dating prenup. I personally think that two decent, mature, and responsible adults can plan and invest with one another without requiring some legally binding contract. What ever happened to people making verbal agreements and then being decent enough to follow through on them?

My ex and I were together for 5 years, and the first couple he was in school and the last couple I was in school. While he was in school I took care of all of our social life activities, our transportation fees, any other engagements that required money and other things, etc. etc. In the year after he finished and before I started, I was pushing like mad to clear up my debt, not just debt that we had acquired together, but also my debt before him. Because he had the money, he ended up paying a large potion off for me so I could start school debt free. And then as far as financial situation went, roles were reversed from then on.

When we broke up (because he doesn't know how to keep his d*** in his pants, unbeknownst to me for 5 years SMH talk about love being blind and DUMB) he actually continued to pay our joint cell phone bill while I was in school, and I paid it while I was working in the summers. He paid our debt during the school year, and that was my responsibility during the summer while I was working. We actually kept this up for almost 2 years, as we still had love and respect for one another, and this was the agreement that we had worked out with each other before things went south.

Maybe this situation might have been different if we lived together, or owned large assets together like a house or a car or RRSP's or something. But quite frankly, I would never do any of those things before I was married. And asking me to sign an actual prenup is a HUGE insult to me. I would rather not get married than think I am marrying somebody who feels the need to plan for the worst, or who thinks should we split that I could not be reasonable and stick to the plan we had made when acquiring those things.

And seriously? If you need a written agreement as to what you can do socially (blog posts for example) I think that's pretty sad. Seriously, you can't just have a discussion, come to a compromise and then stick to it going forward? I think this whole prenup thing is a serious sign that North American society is in a very sad state, where nobody can be trusted and everybody is out to screw everyone else. I refuse to believe that. But more importantly I KNOW this is not the case with me, and will not be the case with anybody I choose to enter into a commitment, investment, or relationship with
http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ Tunde

i could never see myself doing something like this because i don't believe in cohabitation before marriage so there would be no intermingling of funds, property or living quarters. once i get married i can worry about things of that sort.
Sherell

I woud sign one under certain circumstances. I think in addition to being real and recognizing that things may change and having an orderly agreed upon way to handle it, it formalizes what's at stake during the course of a relationship.

Some people do not marry because of finances...ie
receiving an annuity, from the death of a former spouse and not willing to give that up.
GinaMarie

Sorry for the double post.

@DawnsLight I agree with you. Times have change and in this day especially if you net worth is high, you have to protect yourself.
bogart4017

It really is a shame it has come to this. Back when i was in the dating game you knew exactly what you were dealing with. You would not move in with the type of man or woman that was liable to jack you for your bed/couch/car,etc. You took out of the relationship exactly what you brought into it. Who wants someones personal possessions if you want nothing to do with that person? If you are so worried about your money then keep your accounts separate. Who wants to make lawyers rich by signing a piece of paper you are only going to have to go to court to enforce anyway?
http://www.facebook.com DawnsLight

ok this is to much but n the world we live n I c y ppl take these step. I don't c anything wrong wit it, if u r n a relationship that as a couple we've invested n to things like a family , a house, business and couple banking, yes I want somthing n writing. But if we just live n a apartment enjoying each other wit nothing invested I don't want to here about know damn contract. I would feel some kind of way if my bf or gf would ask me to sign something bout whose keeping the bedroom set or who gets to keep the dog. Really!! That's childish, I would look at the perosn I'm wit in a whole new light.
Shequita

You'd like to think that the sweet,honest to goodness man that you shacked up with will always have his integrity and common sense...but when people are hurt thats rarely the case. So this is a brilliant idea!!
QuoteMan

It's sad to say but it must be said, break ups can bring the worst instincts out of people.

In all possible ways if you could forsee what tomorrow has in store then prenup is not for you.

But seriously, though we should approach every relationship with a sense of optimism but it's also imperative to do so with caveat in mind. With that said, it's only fitting that we can reach a consensus to avoid any future suprises.
It's understandable how a partner might feel insulted, but hey it is what it is. Word to the wise is......
juniebug

i wouldnt mind. i wouldnt want a SO getting anything in the future if we have a bad breakup. and i definitely am not the dependent/gold digging type who would want more than i deserve after a breakup. its whatever....
LaToya

I am not sure I would. I could see signing one just to try to avoid having to make decisions about the separation of things during an emotional period such as a break up. However, I have signed a living arrangement contract with a roommate, and she violated the signed contract. That was actually worse than if we had not had a contract. Two different situations, but I can see how violation of a written contract could draw out an already unpleasant process.
Rastaman

@NWSO
From my reading of this piece what is being discussed is not so much a dating pre-nup but a co-habitation contract. As per your prior blog about lending money to lovers, I am unequivocally pro written contracts/agreements.

Why?
Because I expect the best but plan for the worse. Well someone would say why can't 2 reasonable mature individuals come to a mutually verbal agreement on dissolving a relationship/co-habitation. Because a verbal contract/agreement is only as valuable as the paper its written on!

Like the lawyer says if you both have nothing, its easy to divide nothing. But I am a man with an ATM (Assets to manage) and I worked hard to gain these things, sacraficed in some cases my blood sweat and tears and everybody I want to share in these things are mentioned in my will. thus if you not in the will, you not suppose to share.

If we get married then we can have another agreement to address that too. I see too many perfectly decent folks going through a break-up morph into vengeful, capricious beast and someone ends up ass out. Just because I have auto insurance doesn't make me go out and drive recklessly.
Looking for the best but prepared for the worst!!
Potato w/ Jive

Pretty interesting topic. Prenups really seem to push peoples buttons. For some it is insulting to even plan on the "what if things go south" and i can understand why. But at the same time, i have seen people going through divorces and breakups and lets face it, sometimes they aren't exactly as generous and accommodating as they were when things were great.

Its a tough discussion to have for sure. I agree with Rastaman as far as how this relates to loaning and borrwoing money in general. I feel if you don't trust the person, maybe you shouldnt loan them money. In the same way, if you dont trust the person, maybe you shouldnt move in with them.

As far as marital prenups. its a more serious discussion and i guess ill have to consider that once i start making that Oprah money. ( I bet she and Steadman got the crazy prenup!)
Amber

I can see where people are coming from when it comes to a dating contract but would I do it...probably not.

I wouldn't know how to bring up something like that with my partner because it sounds like "I want my sh** negro when we break up." (Just my opinion)
Anike Love

I don't think I would personally sign a pre-nup, but I can see why people do it. My friend's parents are going through a divorce and her dad wants to sell the house, but her mother wants to keep it. I'm sure a pre-nup would have made this easier, but they got married back in the 80's...did pre-nups even exist back then?!
Diamond N Da Ruff

Interesting topic, I have been enlighten! I finding the contract to beneficial personally; my surroundings do not provide the marriage as an option. Where I am from most people "shack up" because due to "no fault" divorces, economics etc it is beneficial for the poor and disadvantage to cohabitate.
Anonymous

In this day and age when the lines of commitment are incredibly blurred, this type of contract makes sense.

For live in life minglers, it is important to understand what the boundaries are. We all know someone who got caught up with the wrong person and when the relationship ended they had lost everything - their good credit, their bank account, and their dog. If you are going to live with someone and you have something to lose, protect it.
Anonymous

I am with Tunde 100%. I do not believe in shacking up for the very same reasons the dating/cohabitation pre-nup has been invented for.

Unless my last name changes there is no pooling of anything, no joint purchases and definitely no adoption of a pet.

However, for those that do shack up it is a smart and reasonable idea.
Shannon

This is why people shouldn't cohabitate; I mean look at it like this: you're sleeping together every night, splitting the bills, making major purchases together, managing a joint bank account, maybe even financing each other's future (education, business, etc.) and raising pets. It's no different from being married, IMO. Just like you have a marriage license--that "piece of paper" that legalizes the union--a contract is still a "piece of paper" that is legally binding.

Most people are unaware that cohabitation over an extended period of time results in a common-law marriage (time limits vary from state to state) and it is as legal as a licensed marriage (every county clerk has informal marriage records as well as licensed marriage records) and even if there was no formal ceremony, a couple is required to initiate divorce proceedings to make the break legit.

Most people who require pre-nups are those who have something--money, property, business, etc.--they want to keep possession of in the event of the dissolution of the relationship; so many people, men and women alike, do marry for money and the financially affluent want to protect themselves.

In other cases, like a divorcing couple with a house that one wants to sell and the other wants to keep, usually the judge will order one party to buy out the other if one wants to keep the house; more commonly the house is sold and the proceeds divided accordingly.

Pre-nups go all the way back to the times of royalty; they were put into place to ensure the holdings of the family of the bride remained in the family for the next male heir; women were not allowed to inherit, so any inheritance automatically went to her husband. Of course, no one cohabitated then, but the concept remains the same today.

I firmly believe cohabitation is a huge mistake. If a couple is willing to play house, why not make it legal and right? Seems like it would be the next logical step; so many people always like to call on the Bible and apparently none of them are aware that the God in whom they believe frowns on such arrangements. Well, I know people will justify anything for their own gain, so it's a moot point.

Personally, I would never live with a man who is not my legal husband. It is something I know I could never do. While divorce is high, the difference between marriage and cohabitation is in cohabitation, two people remain two; there is no real commitment and no real incentive to make things work, while in marriage two people become one and they have more incentive to make things work. Any sitiuation is bearable when you have your eye on the door. With cohabitation, you have the comfort and security of having someone there for you everyday, but the freedom to be able to leave whenever the mood hits. The one thing that is worse than no security is a false sense of security. Cohabitation is in no way the same as marriage and shouldn't be seen as a "practice run." This is often why marriages between people who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to fail than betweem those who did not live together before marriage and there are several studies to bear me out on this.
da ThRONe(on vacation)

This makes sense. I hate pre-nups because it contradicts itself ,but dating contracts actually makes sense. I had a dispute about a (1) George Foreman grille(that I brought) with an ex I call "that Bitch". And this dispute was settle in a tattoo shop. Which the whole shop sided with her. And that hooker never use to use it.
Sherell

I believe in pre-nups for marriage and living together. I have a son from a previous marriage and all that I have built up at this point is for him. If I were to marry again. I probably would not change that early on.

Common law is not legal in all states. Only about 15 states recognize common law marriages.

Marriage does not necessarily make a person commit to you. Although I believe in the institution of marriage. Many non married couples have stronger commitments than those that do marry.
http://www.itsjustgoldie.com goldie

I'm with RASTAMAN - I have an ATM - Assets to Manage. And I've got a young daughter. I've got an ATM+a PYT so I've got to TCB.

I don't see myself getting married (til my gay sis can), so being in a co-hab/pre-prenup relationship would be the closest thing to marriage/prenup. Having a law of the land kinda makes sense. I don't have much to protect, but if I have something worthy of getting a preprenup on, I will go there.

The couple that had the 30-day check-in arrangement seemed ... smart! Takes the guessing out of the 'why hasn't he called me' game.

Also. Rashida Jones. Swoooooon. (straight-girl-crush like whaaaa)
http://www.itsjustgoldie.com goldie

@Sherell - totally with you on keeping things in order for my kid. Push comes to shove, I'll live in my car. But if something imploded and compromised my kid's comforts ... things will get bad. Real bad.
Potato w/ Jive

Back off girl, Jones is mine!

But to address the idea of cohabitation... I get that some people dont agree with it and some of the reasons explained here are valid to a point.

For me, it seems like cohabitation IS like a trial run. What if you married a person and suddenly you learn something about the way they live that is a deal breaker? Whatever it may be, would being already married force both parties to stay together? Seems kinda unfair. At the very least, if you lived with someone you can make the case that it allows both parties to evaluate their living situation and start identifying and working to solve any unforeseen hurdles you might not have noticed if you waited till after getting married to figure out.

This is in no way trying to validate cohab relationships that aren't in it for the long haul. If you go so far as to move in with someone, it implies SOME form of long commitment, at least to me it does. But to assume that being married will guarantee or create incentive to stay together is just as much speculation.

If the reasoning is, "well if you arent married but living together, one foot is 'always' out the door", it seems short-sighted. There is no magic formula to determine how long relationships will last. But for me at least, id like to know what it would be like before committing to a lifetime of togetherness. I dont even buy clothes online because i cant touch them, how am i gonna live with a woman FOREVER without knowing how she lives? I guess i dont understand how jumping into the unknown blindly is supposed to work better than getting to know someones living habits to see if they jive with mine.
juniebug

i came back on here to say the exact same things as Potato....

i would never get married without living with the guy first. i dont want to find something out later on that i cant deal with....and i wouldnt want him to find something out later that he cant deal with and it all be a waste of time.

when (or if) i get married, i want it to last. and the only way i can see that happening is if i had a life with this person (two people becoming one) before getting married......
Seattlesfinest

Hmmmm...the old me would say no. But, now, since I am very successful at what I do and make a pretty good salary (what most people only dream of), then YES I would ask for a prenup if we just lived together and were married and also if we decided to get married.

It sounds harsh, but I have worked hard for what I have and am not giving it up because a relationship did not work.
Seattlesfinest

lol sorry for the typos. I would ask for legal documentation if we were just dating and lived together AND if we decided to get married.
da ThRONe(on vacation)

@seattlesfinest

I still dont get that mindset. "I love you more then anything and I trust you but not really". If you arent 100 about the relationship just remaining dating.
Rastaman

@Throne
God looks our for fools and little children. The rest of us have to look out for the rest of our selves. There are too many folks out here who may pretend to mean you well but real don't. And will try to take your shit in order to punish you for sins either real or perceived not because they need it but in order to deny you of it.

The laws on property are largely biased and forces reasonable people to cynically legally protect themselves. Until we can guarantee fairness in the courts its foolhardy to not protect yourself.
Elle

I do not need to cohabitate to know a person's good, bad and ugly. I mean let's face it: in relationships people spend days, nights or weekends together which allows for a very good glimpse of what's in store. If you leave your dirty socks all over the floor I will see it when I come spend the night.

So nah, personally, I do not sign a lease with somebody, buy furniture or adopt a puppy who does not deem me worthy of his last name.

Ergo: I do not need a dating pre-nup. Now a real pre-nup, different story.
Seattlesfinest

@da ThRONe
Come live in Seattle for a while. I've been here for about 9 years now and very few of the people I've met remain faithful very long. It's really sad.
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com Tiffany

Ok when I first read this I was totally against this but after thinking about it people are right. Something should be in place that says who gets the dog or the cds or gets to stay in the apartment. We don't need anyone "Break-Up" scenerios.

Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com
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