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Do You Know Who You Are? (Beauty Isn't Everything)

Posted by NWSO • March 16, 2010 • Printer-friendly

I think we can all agree that Stacey Dash is a beautiful woman. Her skin glows, her eyes sparkle, her hair (real or not) flows, her body is bangin’ and at 43-years-young she’s definitely a Mother I’d Like to Fondle.

Too bad she doesn’t see herself as beautiful.

Over the weekend I caught a clip of Stacey on The Wendy Williams Show [see below], where she spoke candidly about her warped perceptions of beauty and dealings with men over the years.

The interview starts off pretty normal with gossip about Stacey being Jamie Foxx’s date for the Oscars, but around the 2:52 mark the conversation starts to shift:

“I’m actually back out there [on the dating scene] for the first time in my life,” Stacey revealed. “Since I was 17, I’ve never been single. I think a lot of it was me needing a man to define me and I’m finally a point where I felt I wanted to find myself and it’s so exciting.”

You mean, you needed a man to tell you were worthy, to tell you that you were pretty?

“Yes. Actually, I just said that to my dear friend a couple of weeks ago that I realized that I don’t feel beautiful if a man is not telling me I’m beautiful. And there’s something wrong with that. That’s not how it should be so now I’m going to be the one that feels beautiful because I think so.”

I was shocked that someone who appeared to have it going on on so many levels was just as messed up as the rest of us when it comes to dating. Here was a woman that men of all ages fawn over and women wish they could be, but she was so self-conscious that she couldn’t feel beautiful unless a man was there to validate it for her.

Stacey’s role as the lead in Kanye West’s “All Falls Down” video seems kind of ironic now (“Man, I promise, she’s so self-conscious/She has no idea what she’s doing in college…And she be dealing with issues that you can’t believe/Single, Black female…”).

As Wendy dug deeper, she revealed that Stacey had been engaged six times and married thrice. (NOTE: Stacey gave back all the rings, but advised women to, “Don’t do it, don’t give it back, it doesn’t work. Keep the ring put it in the bank safe deposit box.”).

Around the 5:24 mark, Wendy asked: What’s the longest marriage that you’ve had?

“This last one, we were married for two years but we were only together for three. The other marriages I was with them for five years and we were only married for like eight months.”

It’s always somebody’s fault…

“You know what, I say it was my fault because I didn’t know who I was. How could I know who you are and how could you know who I am? So I was looking for the wrong things like I said I wanted them to define me. No one else can define you, you have to define yourself.”

Before making this revelation, Stacey found herself in a revolving door. Never being single or spending time with herself, she jumped from man to man in search of validation. It seems her self-esteem was so low that she’d often slept with men on the first date.

“Yeah, you know what happened was I slept with all my husbands on the first date, they said, ‘Marry me,’ I said, ‘Yes.’ …I’m not doing that anymore. At this particular time the kitty is being held hostage.”

It may have taken her 26 years, but it sounds like Stacey is finally confident in herself and has a better understanding of who she is and what she’s worth. Sadly, I’m not sure how many people out there can say the same. There a lot of lost men and women out there who are still trying to find themselves, while looking for love in all the wrong places.

See, love doesn’t come from the outside but from within. That’s a lesson that Stacey learned the hard way, but the point is she learned it and that’s beautiful. Now that’s something I think we can all agree on.

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others? Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love? Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious? Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness? Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out? How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself? Do you think that varies between men and women? Do you know who you are?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: jamie foxx, Oscars, self-conscious, self-image, Stacey Dash, Wendy Williams

http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?
- Yes. It's unfortunate. (Me - don't need that kind of validation.)

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?
- Some do, but not all. If anything, it seems that this is true for MEN (general) more so than women because they tend to express their love in that way... and sometimes it's the ONLY way that they can do so.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?
- Used to be a long time ago, but it's not surprising anymore.

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?
- Yes. And hated myself to my very core for not meeting those (unrealistic?) expectations of myself.

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?
- For the most part, yes. Self-acceptance was a long time coming.

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?
- Life is a journey. One can discover oneself over & over again during their journey, in my opinion. However, some people are too shallow or superficial to truly find themselves, in my opinion.

Do you think that varies between men and women?
- It varies from person to person in general, in my opinion.

Do you know who you are?
- Little by little, step by step, day by day.
cc

-km not surprised at all a lot beautiful woman. Have ugly girl syndrome (pretty girl w/ low self esteem) it's almost expected for pretty girls to have low self esteem
amber

Women can often equate physical attraction/sex for love even though we have heard for years that the same is not true for men.

I think a lot of personal reflection is in order for women and men before entering into a relationship but even still people can have distorted views. I am a firm believer in counseling/meditation/retreats to find out about who I am.

I am honestly not sure if Stacey has really learned..I think it sounds good but I wouldn't be surprised if she continued that same destructive path.
http://twitter.com/J0EMYG0D J0EMYG0D

This is only going to be short because I'm writing this out on my phone. I feel it takes something big for someone to find themself. For me, it almost took everything. I was at the end of my rope, and almost died completely from overdose. (Granted I later found out I was revived once) However, after recovery in an ICU, and elsewhere, and a couple of months staying away from pills and medicines, I found myself. But there was something missing to fully complete finding myself: true Love. A month after, what I felt was, my own recovery, I met that true Love. I was introduced to a side of myself that even I didn't know exsisted. Needless to say she and I are now engaged, and I have never been more content with myself, and life nonetheless. But how do you fully find yourself? Let yourself go, free yourself, however possible. ...and IF possible, throw a little Love in there for the full effect. I promise you, it'll change your life.

It changed mine.
Rastaman

Stacey Dash like a lot of people who often grow up gaining attention based on their looks is caught in a vicious cycle. You never have to define yourself because someone else has already defined you. If you are always seen good looking you will have a easier road of life and never have a need to define yourself. I could feel sorry for her but we all have our own problems, I am glad for her that she has figured it out while she is still fairly young. Because she will have to do the hard work of defining herself.

I know a few men and women who never really got past been the cute one. But like the old saying says beauty fades. Life is unforgiving but every individual is eventually responsible for their own destiny.

I guess I should be empathetic but I am going say I am not. Her determining that she doesn't know who she truly is, is an opportunity to challenge herself. I am not one for cliches but there is something to be said for being battle tested because whatever does not kill you can make you stronger.

I am an average looking man and I desire no fame but would like the fortune though because money is life's best lubricant. You still have to get up but fortune makes the whole fuck smoother.
lola289

I am not surprised...ex: Halle Berry....
Its harder for beautiful ppl. :-/...
I have so many sad examples just with ppl I kno. Nobody has it easy and everyones got a story.
Thats why at the end of the day we all should work towards a positive life and better self esteem.

Great Blog!
DC Cookies

No, I don't need validation from others...I don't think...

I have learned over the years that physical intimacy does NOT equal love. Other women might not know this.

Not surprised at all. Being beautiful is a gift and a curse. Megan Fox has low self-esteem.

I still think that fortune will definitely make my ride a lot more comfortable which will lead me to happiness.

I am beautiful inside and out. I just have bitchy and mean streaks... But I definitely have a heart.

I think it takes a person YEARS. Maybe in there 60's or maybe never. Do we ever REALLY find ourselves?

I would be naive to say I know who I am completely. With age comes wisedom and enlightenment. Being in my mid 20's, I have so much more to learn about myself.

I don't think it varies more or less between women.
iranturave

but this goes along with your piece about undressing women... and ppl wonder why plus size women have so much confidence... no matter what a woman looks like, in the media age she is going to be picked apart solely by her physical appeal...
everyone suffers men and women.... (*SIGH)
Elle

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?
- Yes I do. It's so sad. But I am not Supergirl, I don't save folks.

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?
- Maybe. There are tons of men out there who do the same thing though. I don't think it is correlated to gender.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?
- "The prettiest people do the ugliest things" is all I'm going to say.
It's expected because extraordinarily attractive people have it easier in many regards that they tend to not learn what's under the surface of things. They can and sometimes do rely on their looks to get further. Hard work shapes us though. But if you never have to work hard, what does the shaping?

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?
- Fame and beauty - no. Never cared about any of that. Now money on the other hand used to definitely be my focus. I grew up watching too many 80s movies wanting to have a penthouse office, with a glass table, leather couch, an assistant, board meetings, business trips and cocktail parties after a 14 hour work day. That is what I thought would make me happy. Needless to say: that's BS. Now I'm in the process of going the non-profit route as opposed to always chasing money and I am feeling better already. But hey, let's face it: money - having money - does make me happy. Nobody can tell me different.

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?
- I'm at peace with myself - inside and out. But I do not care too much about my looks. I guess I'm the other end of the spectrum. Receiving compliments and attention from men makes me feel weird and uneasy. The last thing I want to look is "sexy". Why? No clue. I haven't been abused or anything. And I am definitely not super attractive or anything. But for some reason I've gotten lots of unwanted attention from men ever since I was 12. Being that I was always more of a Tomboy - and still am deep inside - I never believed the hype and therefore never paid looks (my own or others') much if any mind.

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?
- Hm, I'd say once you're in your 30s you have a pretty good idea of who you really are. Given that there hasn't been any trauma of some sort which could have delayed the process.

Do you think that varies between men and women?
- No.

Do you know who you are?
- Yup. Sure do. Me and my multiple personalities
Chocolate Drop

first i would like to say that im really sick of hearing about this woman...kind of like i am about that Precious chick (and speaking of Jaime Foxx...he called her Notorious Precious....lol how funny)...

anyways, Stacey also said that she slept with all 3 of her husbands on the first date....and that she sleeps with men on the first date to tell if they would be husband material....no problem with that logic...kinda like it.

but i know exactly who i am and love it, and dont give a d*mn if anybody else likes it. always thought i was beautiful and always knew my worth. beauty on the outside of course doesnt equal beauty on the inside. and to go off of that Kanye song mentioned, he also said "the prettiest people do the ugliest things". so i dont pay attention to people's beauty when evaluating their character. oh and yes some women are dumb enough to equate sex with love, and they deserve what they get....

oh and no i dont agree with your statement "That’s a lesson that Stacey learned the hard way, but the point is she learned it and that’s beautiful. Now that’s something I think we can all agree on.".....um how old is she, like 40? and she's just learning this. i see nothing admirable about that. the rest of you oldheads will learn your lessons one day too...and hopefully find a good man...and not just one with money...

Stacey is so beautiful its ridiculous. that is one sexy a$$ woman...and im sure she doesnt need a brain with all that beauty. i personally prefer women with a brain.....

to each his own...
Chocolate Drop

by the way, first time commenting and i hope this is a place i can speak my mind without people being immature...

like the blog....great job....
Sherell

Rastaman : Love your sex analogy between sex and fortune.

I am not surprised by Stacy Dash's revelation. Alot, not all, very pretty woman get defined by their looks and never really get to know their insides and their true worth.

It all starts at a young age. Some little pretty girls get alot of attention and only because of their looks. That's all they hear. Depending on their personality, that's all they need. There are others that seek and desire more.

I definitely understand the old saying about wishing you had your youthful body wih your older more wiser mind. And that beauty is wasted on the young.

I think women in general often mistake intimacy with love, especailly when they are young. As they get wiser they may learn to distinguish the two.

I think that you truly have to know yourself to love yourself. It requires alot of reflection for both men and women. The sooner you start the better and it is an ongoing process.

I think it is not a question of whether you think you are beautiful inside and out but more a question of knowing and accepting yourself fully.
DC Man With a Plan

I watched the interview too, and was surprised to hear she had low self-esteem and did not think of her self as beautiful. I actually STILL do not fully believe that, even after hearing her say it. There are things that may be difficult to define and so SHE selects "not being pretty" as a way to help us relate to what for her is indefinable and missing from her feeling of self worth. Everybody and their momma has told her she is beautiful since FOREVER, but She "might" claim she never believed it (though I'm certain there have been tons of times when she took advantage of the fact that others SAW her as beautiful). Sooner or later you're going to believe the hype, but it might make you self destructive in one way or another. Anywho, I also noted she's Black/Mexican and ALL of her husbands were White......Huh, imagine that.....
Sherell

@DC MAn with a Plan

I guess those white husbands did not do anything to validate/increase her self worth. Especially considering she admited to sleeping with them all on the first date.
Sugar Nichols

I think we all search for validation from others in some way or form. If you really think about it, someone had to tell you that you were cute, handsome, attractive whatever in order for you to "know" it. Our parents told most of us that all the time. When we began to cling more to or peers during our teen years, we searched for validation with them. Now as adults, imagine if you were never validated in some way. That would be a true mess! We say we don't need it, but as selfish as the human race is, we do!

I know plenty of men who jump from relationship to relationship and have never been alone. They must suffer from insecurities too.
anonymously yours

This is a deep one that hits very close to home...

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?
I used to look for validation in others and at times still find myself slipping back into that cycle, it's really difficult bc by society's standards I am in no ways beautiful, but I don't really have a major problem with my looks - however - I have to LIVE in the world. It's cool when your family and friends are all "you're beautiful to ME" and "WE love you" but at times it would be nice to hear someone outside of them say "wow, your beautiful" hell - I'd settle for people not pointing and snickering as a validation...but I digress.

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?
No. I don't But, YES, women do. I had a warped sense of intimacy so I never equated it with love.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?
Not now. Actually it was my beautiful friend in HS that helped me out so much. I had a gorgeous Panamanian friend in HS that ALL of the fellas loved. However, she was SO self conscious. She needed constant validation from men and often found herself in abusive (physically and/or emotionally) relationships. It helped me see that it wasn't just about how pretty you were. There was another girl in my projects growing up that they talked about BAD called her chocolate Annie (she died her hair bright red and was very, vey dark skinned) and Trogladyte. But she always had a man. A good looking man too. I didn't realized until I was older that it was her confidence. You couldn't tell her ANYTHING! I took my cues from her and my mom too. When I started exhibiting confidence and really started moving like I was worthy of respect and carried myself w/ dignity - men (and women) treated me differently. I know people look at me now and say things like "damn, how SHE keep a man" lol - but it's a simple formula "swagger on swole" baby!! LOL, jk...but I do walk w/ my head held high and if you're not interested - or you are ONLY interested in a big ass - it's cool. Keep it moving. Don't disrespect me.

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?

No. My mama kept me way too grounded. Thank God.

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?

Personally, I think I am. Some may not agree, lol. But I started finding things to appreciate about myself (inside and out) little by little and really loving those things fiercely. I am so secure in God's love for me that no one can shake my foundation. It motivates me and makes me know that I am not just beautiful inside and out - but I am worthy - of love, companionship, respect, etc...

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?

It depends on their journey. Some folks never will. It's sad, but true. Others like Ms. Dash need to be jolted by experience(s) - but when they are "found" it is/will be a wonderful experience that they won't want to trade. It forces you to protect yourself in a different way when you find your value - you know your sense of self worth.

Do you think that varies between men and women?

Hmmm. Now that I don't know. I have found as I get older that men have just about as many issues as women do. So it think it varies person to person but maybe not by gender.

Do you know who you are?

Oh yes. I am fearfully and wonderfully made according to God - and I believe it! My physical beauty and what people think of me are diminutive in comparison to my purpose as a women in this world. I am a Survivor, a Mother, a Friend, a Teacher and Comforter, a Mentor and I am what remains to be seen...

Thank you for this post Ans...this was so cathartic.

You really got your Dr. Phil on today, lol...
Songboy3

Great post!

I read somewhere that being extremely physically attractive is pretty much the same as being incredibly physically unattractive: you are defined instantly by others without them getting to know who you are inside. It reads like Stacey was victim of that syndrome and being a child (17), didn't know that she could reject that thinking.

It's also rather interesting and quite telling how quite a few of the responses today seem to hold some sort of animosity towards Stacey since she has been so 'successful'. Like she doesn't have a right to her particular personal issues. Folks STILL defining her without truly getting to know who she truly is. But there are a lot of 'armchair quarterbacks' in the world I guess so, I probably shouldn't be too surprised.

I do hope she has learned this particular lesson because it's got to suck to be where she is (i.e. what we have been taught to desire and accept as 'SUCCESS') and not know the meaning of the phrase, 'alone but not lonely'. We should all strive to find that space where we can enjoy our own company. And that only comes with the acceptance of one's self. I mean, if you can't love and embrace you for you, warts and all, where exactly do you go from there other than looking for a bridge to jump off of?
my 2 cents

I think everyone has gone through this at one point or another in their life time. Some come out of it quicker than others and some never come out of it. I personally grew up around a lot of men that would always tells me what a pretty little girl I was and I took that with me into adulthood and always wanted men to tell me how pretty I was. Yes I always walk around with my head hanging high but in the inside I was slowly dieing because I didnt know who I was. After many years of feeeling like this I finally went to get some help. And I am getting better but I am still a work in progress.
I feel like one of the problems is every time someone we think is pretty says they have low self esteem everyone is like "suck it up" "your pretty" and starts to judge that person instead of trying to understand were they are coming from.
Eventually you have to help yourself of you become like Stacy and have all of these unhealty relationships with men because they tell you how pretty you are and no one is bringing anything else to the table.
Othaniel Cruickshank

NWSO, I’d just like to take a moment to say great topic.

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?

I think that we’ve all been guilty of seeking validation outside of ourselves at one point or another. I think our outward appearance or representation reflects that; speech, clothes, careers, choice of neighborhood, car, friends, schools, place of employment etc. I think most of the things mentioned to some degree help us to “fit in” keep up with trends and project a certain image which fits neatly into a certain crowd (box). How many of us really do things because it feels right and without an ulterior motive.

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?

I think us women bond with a men after sex but it isn’t one in the same.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?

No, the media bombards us with ideas of perfection which are constantly changing. The funny thing is most of these ideals are superficial stuff and don’t involve character traits, values, family or spirituality. We’re all going to get old (no longer beautiful), won’t all have money, or become famous – if we value these things above all it will be hard to feel comfortable in your own skin. I think as an actress, even one as beautiful as Stacey Dash, living in LA the pressures would be 10 fold in the land of the blonde hair, blue eye, floatable devices rule.

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?

Yes, I thought having money would solve a lot of my problems when I was younger (until 21) . I’m attractive but always yearned for the perfect body and really thought that would make it easier to get whoever I wanted. The truth is that’s not true. I’ve actually said aloud, I understand why God never allowed me to win the lottery. I don’t think with money I could have come to learn so much about myself, passions, hobbies and personalities that attracts me….. another story.

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?

Absolutely, I can be a sledgehammer but am beautiful inside out and don’t want to waste a minute of life not realizing it.

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?

After quarter life if said person isn’t being coddled and doing for him/her self. I think confidence is gained by keeping a roof over ones head, feeding yourself, and then getting used to that and digging deeper.

Do you think that varies between men and women?

No, it differs based on life experience and how quick a person can connect the dots.

Do you know who you are?

I know who I am, but still have lots to learn.
Dread

Stacey Dash falls into a very common category of beautiful women who have never really been "loved" (Halle Berry was cheated on, Alicia Keys got hit and run by Swizz Beatz, etc.). There are women that are so beautiful that it's difficult to look past that and notice their inner beauty (if it's present). Men on the outside of their circle look in and say, "man if I only had a chance to get at her, I would wife that up." Men on the inside who have access to women like this say, "I see her type on the daily, but I sure would just like to hit that once." This is the reason quite a few famous people date outside that famous circle of individuals and find long lasting relationships. A woman can hear she's beautiful all day long, until she's shown that by the person who's opinion she values the most, she won't ever feel it. I don't care if you have "found yourself" if you are told every day of your life that you're ugly as all hell, no way you wake up in the morning and say look at me...I'm pretty. Everyone's personal opinion of themselves is somewhat influenced by a foreign entity. Just some put more weight on that than others. I'm not conceited but I hear daily that I'm very attractive from women at various venues. That influences how I carry myself and how I feel about myself. I personally think women are attracted to my confidence, and in turn I am attracted to theirs. I will take the average woman with swag dripping, over the beautiful woman with the self confidence issues all day long.
channa

To start i just have to say that i had no idea stacey was in her 40's, she is naturaly a beautiful lady, and I haven't seen her since clueless, but watching the that was posted not only is she beautiful on the outside but also on the inside.

1. I don' tknow anyone who looks for validation in others to know their worth.
2. Do i think that women equate physical intimacy for love, for me and at a certain time in my life I would have to say yes. Only because i was looking for love in all the wrong places. I think when you are intimate with a person so early on in a relationship, you really get confused on what love is really about, which i think alot people who say that they love him/her really have no idea what the hell love is. The L word is used so loosely. And at that time in my life i had no idea how to seperate love from sex. Why do you think that so many relationships never last"because sex gets in the way. "but that's another topic"
3. Am I surprised that someone like stacey dash would be so self-consious, no i am not. what people fell to realize about famous people, is that they are no different from the peopl ethat have to work a 9-5, five days a week. I think alot of people don't live in reality and they tend to put these famous people on a pedastal not realizing that they are just like me and you, the only difference is they make way more money. You have to realize that Stacey Dash let us see what she wanted us to see, if anything people like her are the ones with the most issues.
4. I can honeslty say that I never wanted to be famous, being in the lime light is not who i am, and trust and believe it don't fit my personality:)
money does not make you who you are, it just helps you get places. being happy comes within,and it takes along time ro actually figure that out.
5. i think that i am beautiul on the outside, and also been told too many times, but i am not happy to say, but i need to work on the inside. its a working progress which is why i commend stacey because not only is she beautiful on the outsife but she seems at peace with her self on the inside. Im kinda jealous because i would like to get there, But im working on it"atleast trying to anyway".

6. how long do it take the average person to find him/her self. I can't speak for others, only can speak for myself.
im 26 years old and still dont know who the hell i am. some days it can be frustrating because its a struggle with oneself. which is why i been single for the past 3 years, i cut everything off including dating, just recently cut the sex off too. Now its just me myself and i and the family, that is who my life revolve around. But it was done for a purpose, how the hell can i be involved in any type of relationship if i cant figure myself out."it just won't work". So with that being said, finding your self is a working progress.

7. do i know who i am, that goes back to #6,

im still confused, but its a process that has to be done on my own..... when i get there i let u know.
Dread

Oh and as far as beautiful women having self confidence issues; you have to look past their outer appearance and analyze their situation. I've seen unattractive women hold on to attractive men on a regular basis. Because at the end of the day it's not about how the world sees her, it's about how that man she's with and given her heart to sees her. And if you treat a good man well, you can be a beautiful being in his eyes. Regardless of how YOU see yourself. Sometimes the most beautiful women have little else to offer hence the saying, "show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who's tired of f---ing her." lmao.
moonstarz

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?

Yes. It's unfortunate.

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?

Many, many women do and so they ignore the obvious signs from men. Take it at face value. You don't want a relationship? I believe you.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?

Nope.

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?

I think money can make life more manageable in your unhappiness. But happiness resulting from money is temporary.

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?

Yep!

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?

Who knows, some people never do.

Do you think that varies between men and women?

I think there is more pressure on women than men so it is more difficult for them.

Do you know who you are?

I'm growing everyday and learn more and more about myself.
QuoteMan

It's better late than never but I also know this much, a fool at 40 is a fool forever.

You can sense the melancholiness in her story. There's one particular thing she said that caught my attention which may or may not help put things in perspective. She'd say she knows her father loved her but had a drug addiction which eventually took his life; that begs the question, would her life have been any different if she had received the appropriate love & caring from a competent father. By no account am I trying to justify her ordeal. For every effect there's a cause, I say this to affirm to the pertinence of the father-daughter relationship.

Like she said she is apprehensive towards the future, rightfully so cuz change can sometimes be scary. Anything is possible but she does has her work cut out for her.
http://spchrist.blogspot.com spchrist3

Very interesting interview and she would be the last person I would think that would have self-esteem issues. But engaged 6 times and married 3 times ...obviously shows she has commitment issues.
http://thecocoaluvchronicles.blogspot.com Miss Cocoa Luv

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?
Unfortunately many people do. As I've gotten older I decided that other people don't make me, I am grown. Any choices that I make, I've made them on my own w/o the quest for validation.

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?
Yes, this is a sad fact. I was reading somewhere, probably Belle or cosmo, that when women have sex with a man our hormones throw logic out of the window and we equate orgasms with love. which is FALSE. A nut is a nut is a nut.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?
I am a little surprised with her and Janet, but this just goes to show that beauty isn't everything. Everyone has their own skeletons and issues that they need to deal with.

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?
When I was younger I used to think that, but when you hear about celebrities killing themselves by overdosing, strangling, shotgun etc you have to really think is it all worth it.

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?
I think that i am and it's a daily process believing it and showing it.

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?
I think that that it takes time. everyone has their own issues that they need to work on and eventually i hope that everyone feels happy with the gifts that they've been blessed with.

Do you think that varies between men and women?
nope.

Do you know who you are?
Yes, i do.
akiba

nice post, interesting comments nwso.
Pingback: Stacy Dash Proves that Being Beautiful Does Not Make Finding Love Easier | The Express Art Blog
DC Man With a Plan

@ Songboy. Yeah, there are a lot of armchair quarter backs and you're one of them. David Duke tried to re-define himself from a Klan leader to a politician concerned about all ppl he represents--but that doesn't make his efforts truthful or something I have to accept just bcuz I don't know him personally. Stacy didn't just "happen" to appear on Wendy's show. She was there promoting her new reality show. What better way to garner publicity for a new project than to tell ppl something they didn't expect to hear? I think the whole thing was a bit self serving, even if it also contains elements of the truth. So yeah, I'ma monday morning quarterback this one all day bcuz she put it out there for a reason and it wasn't to show how much of a normal every day lady she is...but to get you to WATCH her new show.
hellifiknow

I grew up in a family that was obsessed with appearance. My mother and brother are to this day. It's just ingrained in them that they must always put their best face to the world. They are both very attractive. I was the smart one. As they say, the pretty ones always want to be viewed as smart, the smart ones want to be viewed as pretty.

This is an ongoing issue for me and I'm in my 40's. It kills me how younger people think certain issues end with age. They don't, you just continue to struggle with them and hopefully grow. Your concept of time changes dramatically when you get older anyway. You'll see.

I don't seek validation from men as much, but it's still something to work on. I have never felt as pretty as I wanted to be. Being tall wasn't considered as attractive then as it is now and I feel I got a lot of negative attention from it. That scars you. Not to mention acne, glasses, etc.

Stacy's issues are common among beautiful women. David Justice said that Halle struggled with that. I have a very beautiful girlfriend who attracted ever celebrity you can think of...but was never secure with herself. When you are judged on your beauty alone, you are judged on something you have little to do with instead of who you actually are.

It has it's advantages, but certainly it's disadvantages. Beauty of course, doesn't stay the same and we all age. To place your life or self-esteem around that is a going to be hard.
Anike L?ve

I have a close girlfriend who is "beautiful" according to how the world sees her. Yet, she struggles so deeply with finding true love and friendship because some people only want to be around her because of how she looks. Unfortunately, she has a hard time not feeling into it, and feels a constant pressure to be "perfect" and never to be caught looking a mess.

I think I'm beautiful inside and out, but it was definitely a journey to this point and a deliberate process requiring a lot of introspection and hurling off beliefs about how I should look or act according to the world.

I think finding yourself is a life-long process and you can't really put a time or age limit on it. The world is always changing, and so are were, so there's always going to be the need to re-find, re-define, and re-position yourself according to the times. There's nothing wrong with that; it's just the beauty of life.
Ameretta

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others? Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love? Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?

Yes! For all three questions!

Hello All *Waving from a far*!

I have a good friend, I mean this girl is 5"11, looks like Beyonce's taller, 3 yrs older sister, curvy body, she struts not walk, and will captivate any man that catches eye contact from her..(Word on the curb, don't look into _____ eyes! She'll turn you out!)

Men would give her whatever she wanted, Furniture, clothing, box tickets for any sporting engagment she wanted, one guy even paid her 1st month and security for her apartment, etc........ Looking from the outside anyone would think this girl got it going on! But when the lights turned off at night this girl did not feel loved if her bed was empty at night. She was clinging to any man and always NEEDED to be around him. Not wanted but needed.........it became nauseating to me. I thought she had everything a girl wanted but she needed someone to validate it for her.

WoW! That was an eye opener to me! She use to say things like...i wish I had a relationship like you have with your man/with your family. I use to look at her with a tilted head (like huh?)

That taught me to:
1. Never look at a person at appearance value and think they got it" Made in the Shade."

2. Love yourself that much harder. Funny because I caught the Monique Show last week and at the end of her show she tells her audience "Grab your arms, and wrap them around yourself and give yourself a big ole' hug" Damn if that isn't true!
At the end of the day and at the end of all of your days no one, no one will love you as much as you love yourself! That my dear folks comes with age and time!
http://pitchinpennies.blogspot.com ndygo sunshyne

Interesting...not surprising, but interesting.

Mo'nique is catching a lot of flack for her open relationship decision & I keep hearing people say it's gotta be because she has low self esteem. So, the assumption is that because she's overweight she absolutely must feel bad about herself & has to grab whatever is tossed her way. Meanwhile, Ms. Dash is the epitome of beauty for many brothers & has NEVER felt good about herself. It looks like to me no one is ever satisfied & it's a waste of time to try to please others. SELF esteem clearly has to come from self, speaking as an attractive woman who never fully bought into the hype. I've never thought I was unattractive but I was dissatisfied w/my cup size & hated my forehead (nowhere near Sade's & she's beautiful too).

I took time early (when I was 19) to try to identify what I found beautiful about myself. I'm not cocky, but you can't tell me nothin'!! Everybody should feel that good about themselves.

We all need to remember that everything that some golden trophies are gold plated. We HAVE to pay attention to who the person IS. If you run up on someone who requires a great deal of attention and affirmations in order to be OK, it's time to bounce. Low self esteem alert.

As for finding yourself....
You're not lost, you're always with yourself. It's about taking care to appreciate your finer attributes (physical & otherwise) & being reflective & attentive enough to self to be about the business of GROWING past what you consider to be flaws. If we feel dumb we can educate ourselves. If we feel fat we can eat better & exercise. If we don't feel sexy we can go within. If we don't know we're beautiful we have to dig out what is. The work is ours. & while you're doing it, guess who's right w/you the whole time? YOU!!
BangShang

Yes i think all women at some point equate sex with love at some point in our lifetime. but how many are willing to keep it 100 and admt it. big ups to stacey for keeping it real...
da ThRONe(back home)

We all have issues.

As much as I love Stacy Dash(and lord knows I do LOL). Do she really need a reality show? *gag*
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com Tiffany

I think we are all looking into a broken mirror when it comes to certain aspects of our lives. I know I certainly look into that mirror way too often.

Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com
Ms P

Love this!

Yes, I do people who find validation in others' opinions.

Yes, there are some women who equate sex with love. Early on I knew better & I am glad that I did. Saved myself some heartache.

Am I surprised that she did not think she was attractive? Yes & no. Yes, because if I looked like her i would rule the damn world & know it!! LOL. But then as others have said, Halle is the "tragic mulatto" who let us see all of her insecurities.

When I was younger I thought fame, fortune, & beauty would be the answer to all of my problems. Now I know that money is the only solution!

Do I think I am beautiful inside & out? Hell yeah! But it took a while (decades) for me to get to this point. I am still coming into my own. That is the beauty of the journey. I know who I am, and I really, really enjoy ME.
allure

I completely understand what Stacy's going through. When
you're considered extraordinarly attractive, women tend to isolate
you so all you have (if you want a social life) are men. I'm 27
and have been going through it since highschool. I feel so alone-
I wanna go out with the girls, I wanna double date etc.And
I have to disagree with those of you that think beautiful people have it
easier- maybe if I worked as a model,pornstar, stripper or some other industry
where looks mattered but I'm a Pharamacist and people don't
take me seriuosly and assume I screwed my way success. Women are cruel or
dismissive to me.Men assume I only date rich guys.Ugh.I wish people understood
that I can't help the way that I look and I'm just a ordinary person
who needs to be loved and wants to be liked just like everyone else.
keisha brown

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?
-Yes. If you are female with female friends - you know at least 1 woman in your life is this person. One was my best friend and it spelled the end of our friendship. Another I have distanced myself from as she adds no value to my life and I not possessing a penis, add none to hers. Sad but *kanye shrug.

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?
Many (but not all) women do and it's usually to their detriment.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?
Nothing suprises me. She's still a human being.

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?
There was a time when I thought I wasn't getting dates because I had glasses and was chubby. It's not a coincidence that as I found my self confidence, that I began to attract men.
I have no interest in being famous - especially in this day and age when society seems to think it has rights to famous people private life
Fortune wouldn't equal automatic happiness (mo money, mo problems) - but it was would make me a lot happier!

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?
I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believe that one's personality can define their inner and outer beauty. I believe the children are our future...oops. Sorry. Got carried away.
I have never defined myself as beautiful. My outer self shines as a direct result of my inner self. There are times when both my outer and inner self could use some polishing and work...

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?
A lifetime. I think some are stronger than others, but you are always changing and evolving as your role in other peoples life change and evolve.

Do you think that varies between men and women?
Yes. We are socialized differently from the beginning. These things play a role whether we want to recognize it or not

Do you know who you are?
Yep! I sometimes think it's why I'm still single...but alas, thats a whole other post right!? :p
http://www.facebook.com/Songboy3 Songboy3

@DC Man With a Plan:

I'm an armchair QB? LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! Ok..I can breathe now...*giggle*

Can't disagree about your comments about why she was on Wendy's show. I wouldn't know - I don't watch it. But you've expressed what I was commenting on: To assume the worst about everything she says in public because it was said in public. I'm not naive - I know that show business lives and breathes the adage, "There is no BAD publicity'. But not eveyone has an Machiavellian plan to everything they say in public. All because you think it's suspect doesn't make it so. Just your opinion.

Personally, I hope it is BS like you say. I'd hate to think that she's made it to her 40's and just figured out she's got no love for herself. That would be some truly sad sh*t.
QuoteMan

I see this from a different spectrum. I see this as more of a daddy issue as oppose to how this coversation was tailored from the get-go.

I'm not dismissing the argument that a beautiful woman could have a low self esteem, that is plausible, what I flatly do not buy is her needing a husband/man to validate how pretty she was for her to feel that maybe there is some truth to it.
For crying out loud, Stacey Dash was and is a typecast, lets be honest, she is not cast in movies because of her talent, it's because of her God given beauty.

As a kid you could take those compliments as a white lie but when you are 30 with a body of a teenager or 40 with the body of a 20 year old you know you are fine as hell. Your man could say otherwise and that will not fly.

I believe the underlying issue here is much bigger than needing a man to validate her beautiness. Yes, it's flattery to hear it but that is not the primary reason why she was engaged 6 times, married thrice and letting the kitty loose on 1st dates. Plus, I think she needed men for more than just the validication of her beauty. She needs to delve within herself, introspect and exorcise her demons because there's something fishy about her claim.

I still love her though, she needs to come back to the brothers, we will take good care of her. LOL
http://halloftheblackdragon.com Greg Dragon

Lots of ugly girls gang up and ridicule the cute ones, calling them sluts etc. so why are we still surprised when an older woman who has been through that mess her whole life has esteem issues?

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others? Most gorgeous women I date have this issue, which is why most are easier to get with than people would have you believe.

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love? YES - Which is why sleeping with a crazy chick is dumb behavior.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious? I have never been 100% on he Stacy bandwagon, she has her moments, but hammer time kills everything for me (ya I know its a jacked up statement) just doesn't do it for me. That being said, you may be surprised how many women who get worshipped still find issue with their looks.

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness? Money over Everything, you can keep the fame - it's a 4 letter word just like hate and people who have nothing love 4 letter words.

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out? Not really, I'm a man, I may be attractive externally but internally you are liable to piss me off.

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself? Few ever do, it's part of being human, the everlasting quest for answers.

Do you think that varies between men and women? No but us men do a better job faking it.

Do you know who you are? I am confident, that is enough.

My take on it all: http://halloftheblackdragon.com/reel/1123/the-curse-of-being-a-beautiful-woman.html
rwifey

i am currently going thru quite a bit in my life, and with, 15 text mssgs, 5 voice males, 3 bbms, 3 emails, and a few missed calls from female friends in the tri state, all wandering about the state of my wellness.....
i gave them all a delayed reply, and instead wished one of those calls was from a man who has moved on from me

shame on me
http://thatbitchstolemyline.com b.collins

I was warned about boys early on w/ the saying: "boys use love to get sex and girls use sex to get love." It's true in many ways, ie. there are tons of girls out there that are laying on their backs just for a little validation, a little intimacy, a little contact that will make them feel loved. I wouldn't say it's unfortunate, I'd say it is what it is. I think people are pretty aware of their actions and if not, they usually have some people in their lives (at least one) who will say, "stop effing around w/ these doe-doe birds just because you're lonely and don't like yourself." And if there are none, I still believe people have common sense. You get up off your back and he doesn't call, doesn't care? You should learn at a certain point in time. People don't just keep putting their hand on a hot stove, they learn after they get burned. I guess Stacey is just now realizing she has third degree burns on her hands.

However, I want to touch on a topic that's getting glazed over just a bit: women who have sex on the first date. I don't really think that has much to do with the fact that they wound up divorced (in Stacey's case). I know women who've had sex on the first date and they've gone on to have great relationships with that partner; I also know some who have not. I think it's a case by case basis-if you're feeling it, go for it, if not, don't. But never ever dole out sex just to keep someone around or to get to date number two,etc. People can smell insecurity from miles away-like smoke from a fire- and giving it up isn't going to mask the flames.

B.
DC Man With a Plan

@ Allure....First off, you might start by finding a new screen name since it implies that you have accepted "beauty" as the criteria to judge you by. If you buy into the hype (it WILL show) and result in others doing the same. I can understand the challenges you outline, women can be cruel, but I don't think there are THAT many women jealous of you just bcuz you're fiine. And, since you're not the ONLY fiine woman, you should at least have that in common with the other fiine ladies. Maybe y'all should start a club or something: lonely, fiine women seeking platonic, female friends!
ItsAngieBayBay

Well this isn't the newest post so I feel a bit outdated, but I wanted to comment anyway because it really struck a cord with me.

I never realized that until just right now...for whatever reason, I never feel like I truly look good unless someone else tells me I do, why I need validation? I don't know! I guess it comes down to a point of self perception and not trusting how you feel to be what everyone else feels...

I think that's why a lot of women will get dressed, all dolled up, but not leave the house until their significant other or girlfriends tell them they are looking good too.

For instance, whenever my friends and I go to the club, I am what I would consider to be pretty fly. But, for some reason, if I don't get approached at least twice by someone I consider to be equally attractive, I go home feeling like I must not have looked that good. But to answer some of the questions:

**Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?**

If they do, they are stupid. For at 21, I know for a fact men can completely separate sex from their partner, their surroundings, and definitely their feelings. A man wanting to have sex with you is just that, a man wanting to have sex. That's not to say once you are in a committed relationship sex cannot mean anything, but from my experience wanting to do the horizontal tango doesn't mean wanting to walk down the aisle.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?

Not exactly. I feel like EVERYONE has insecurities, however I would expect someone that has made such a career for herself would at least find pride in that.

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?

I used to when I was younger. However in this day in age when you have so much at your fingertips, when you hear about women the caliber of Beyonce saying she feels pressure to be beautiful, or Halle talking about how she has been so unloved by men in her past, and now Stacey talking about insecurities, I am forced to believe that all those things are only material, and do not have any say with who you are on the inside.
nova nova

Stacy Dash is a bad chick.

Being that gorgeous is sometimes as bad as being hideous. You attract all men, good and bad and women either hate you or want to be around you to catch your leftovers.

However, I don't think Stacy's problem is something that only affects pretty people. Its about growing up without a knowledge of your value in God's eyes. True self esteem is not dependent on anyone, it just is.
bogart4017

Proof positive that beauty is the blessing and the curse...
NoPhotographs

Hey all this is my virgin post! Been a lerker anywho to the questions

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?
I'm not personally now maybe in the past, I know plently of people young old etc...

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?
Depends on the woman/person...I believe Ms. Dash did as well as the ladies on shows such as For the Love of Ray J etc...

When sexual relations start its difficult for many people to keep the wires from crossing

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?
Suprised at her case, yes, but celebs in general no they have issues they are human

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?

Yes I used to think a change in complexion, or hair or other frivoulous things would amount to the experience of an internal happiness

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?

Yes sir ree bob!

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?

Again it depends on the person and alot of other things

Do you think that varies between men and women?

Probably not. Person-to person

Do you know who you are?

Personally (societal roles) yes-daughter/friend/ .... I know the treatment I will accept and that treatment that I will not

Professionally no I am still in college
ChinaEyez

I'm speaking honestly and open, so please dont pass judgement.....

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?

Unfortunately yes, I am one of these people.

Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?

I cant speak for others but yes at this present time I do beleive this.

Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?

Sometimes I am surprised, but its not a "shocker"

Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?

Not now, but I did think like this when I was younger.

Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?

I"m still struggling to find out honestly. I'm 27, college educated, decent job,no kids, etc. People tell me that I'm sexy, pretty, etc, but for some reason I dont feel it. I truly know I have self image issues, and use the physical (sex) to feel close to a man. Its sad, but I'm at a point in my life that I recognize this behavior and trying to self reflect and change. But self reflection is a challenging task, one of the hardest I think.

How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?

I feel that you have to hit the bottom to build your way back up to a better person.

Do you think that varies between men and women? Do you know who you are?

It does vary, and I'm still trying to figure myself out. Hopefully I get it right sooner then later!
s.diddy

First of all I love Ms. Dash for being so honest. I myself have struggled with the same things. But I will say that I am now 23 going on 24, and instead of looking for other to define me. I decided at 17, when my self esteem and personal life was at an extreme low that before I started having sex with anyone or a relationship, I needed to love and respect myself.

It has been a long journey, and some days better than others. But when I look at where I started and where I am now. I am proud of my progress. I am still not where I want to be, so I have continued my self-imposed abstinence.

The only thing that pisses me off is a few of my gfs keep trying to tell me the just go ahead and get a bf. But I know I still have a lot of personal growth, and focusing on another person would interfere with that. I am looking forward to finally opening myself up to romantic relations. But at that point I will have so much confidence, self love, and self respect that even if the relationship did not work out. I will know that I am strong enough to move on with my life in a positive direction.

The other thing that pisses me off is these same gfs are in dysfunctional relationships, and yet judge me for being single and trying to get it together. GRRRRRR.

Then I have my own little insecurities. Twenty-three is still young, but it isn’t that far from thirty. So I worry about dying a spinster-virgin eaten alive by a room full of cat scenario.

Then I wonder if I am being so cautious that I am letting my youth (20s) pass me by. But the few encounters I have had with the whole, 20s party thing. I wasn’t really having a lot of fun. And it dawned on me. It doesn’t matter what you do, or what your age. If you are unhappy with yourself, lack self love, you will not have a fun time because you will be to self conscious and insecure to truly let go.

So I am just trying to figure out how to pursue my own brand of happiness, develop as a person, and as for love, sex, and romance. It’ll happen when it happens. I just have to listen to myself, and that can be difficult when you have a bunch of people around you telling you otherwise. (But what works for one person, might not work for another person. And I just have to stay true to myself, even if it is hard sometimes.)
Iloveextramedium

Isn't it ironic that when people encounter somone who is not necessarily physically attractive, but have a great self image and esteem, they seem to be shocked and act as if that person does not have the right to feel good about who they are?
Lonias

"Nobody has it easy and everyone's got a story." ~lola289

lola summed that up!
A friend of mine was recently talking about a mutual acquaintance and said until she got to know her a bit better, she always wondered why she was single, referencing her beauty. I guess I don't wonder about such things or maybe it's just the fact that I know relationships are a heart (not a face) issue. I think that anyone making assumptions that "beautiful people" have a better shot at relationships is saying a lot about THEIR self-esteem.

I don't always feel beautiful, but I don't NEED validation from anyone to get out of that funk. I realize that negative internal dialogue can only be reversed by positive internal dialogue. If I talk myself into a funk, I gotta talk myself out of it...
http://www.google.com/profiles/mohitchandra1975ald Mohit Chandra

in this case looks like lake of confidence their is huge big difference between love and sex. love is between two soul and sex is between two body(it may be one human and another animal). for ex u love ur mom father etc. and u have sex with prostitute(to whom u dont love. i think all things clear to u.
MimiPumpkin

Do you know or are someone that looks for validation in others?
Yes, I know an individual.
Do women tend to equate physical intimacy with love?
Yes, I believe there are a lot of women out there who do believe sex is a sign of love.
Are you surprised that someone as beautiful as Stacey Dash or of her stature would be so self-conscious?
Nope, I would've been more suprised if she thought differently.
Was there ever a point in your life where you thought fame, fortune and beauty would equal automatic happiness?
Back when I was a kid.
Do you think that you’re beautiful inside and out?
Physically, I think I am a 6. Mentally, I would say that I am an eight.
How long do you think it takes the average person to truly find himself or herself?
In my opinion, I don't think you can be an estimate on that time of thing.
Do you think that varies between men and women?
Yes.
Do you know who you are?
I would say that I am lucky and bless to know who I am.