Why Did He Marry Her & Not Me? (You’re Not the One)

0 Posted by - March 23, 2010 - Relationships, Love & Marriage

i'm not married yet Tee

It’s a scenario I’m sure many women (and some men) can relate to. You’re with a man for X amount of years and for whatever the reason things just don’t work out but then he turns around and marries the next woman he meets.

The typical reaction I hear from women on the short end of that stick is, “I can’t believe I spent all those years molding him into the man he is for this b*tch to just swoop in and snatch him up.”

Maybe not those exact words, but definitely something along those lines.

Women in this scenario oftentimes feel slighted and want to know what they did wrong. They need to know what this man, who spent years with them without proposing or always dodging the question of marriage, saw in the next chick. They want to know what she did that they didn’t to lock down that man?

Well, I’m here to tell you the truth. The answer is extremely simple: you were not the one for him. Point blank.

Now that doesn’t mean you’re damaged goods or have some fatal flaw (although, in some cases, you might). The fact of the matter is that y’all just weren’t meant to be. Get over yourself and move on.

Don’t worry about why he chose her and not you.

Don’t worry about what she did differently.

Don’t compare yourself to her.

She ain’t thinking about you and clearly he ain’t either.

I had a female friend named Nicole that found herself in this scenario when her ex of several years proposed to another woman a year after they split. During their entire courtship he repeatedly said how he wasn’t ready for marriage and needed time to get his stuff together. So the fact that he was able to make that commitment to the next chick, who he knew for a fraction of the time he knew her, threw Nicole for a loop.

“He knew I wasn’t the one for him,” Nicole fumed. “Why did he waste my time?”

“He didn’t know,” I countered.

“Yes, he did,” she shot back. “A man always knows.”

At the time I argued that men in relationships rarely have a clear view of the happily ever after. Speaking for myself, I’ve always been too comfortable in the now to want to rock the boat with talk of further commitment. If things are fine how they are, I see no reason to go to the mythical next level just because a certain amount of time had passed.

Over the course of the past few years, though, I’ve been more reflective and I’ve come to the realization that Nicole was right: a man always knows. The problem is we don’t always realize it.

Looking back on relationships from my past, I can clearly see women I dealt with that deep down inside I knew I could never envision a forever-ever with. Maybe she was too argumentative. Maybe I didn’t like her eating habits. Maybe she emasculated me. Maybe she was too sensitive. Maybe she was too prissy. Maybe I realized that I really wasn’t her type.

Whatever the case, the magical feeling that makes a man want to wife a woman wasn’t there. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy in any of those relationships or that I didn’t love her/them. It’s just that our relationship existed on borrowed time. Eventually we would reach a crossroads where we’d have to decide to walk down a new path together or continue on our life’s journey separately. Most men need to be at that crossroads to come to that revelation, but someone that’s mature enough to recognize his own limitations can make that determination sooner.

As I’ve entered my 30s and continued my maturation process, I’ve taken note of what I require in a partner and what I believe will ultimately make me happy. Looking back on the women that have shared time with me romantically, there are those that were merely stopgaps along my journey and those that I truly loved.

Thing that I’ve come to realize most over the years is that love comes in many forms and just because it exists between two people of the opposite sex doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re your soul mate. It’s this tricky dynamic involving matters of the heart that confuses most men and women.

The reason a man can spend years with a woman he may or may not have intentions of marrying is because he’s actually in love with her—at least at some point. But as Tina Turner famously said, “What’s love got to do with it?”

I have plenty of exes that I love, have love for, and was in love with, but no matter which version of the L-word I applied it obviously didn’t translate to an exchange of vows. The overriding reason for that is timing.

I’m a firm believer that a man’s desire to marry has as much to do with the woman as where he is in this life. The fact that Nicole’s ex could spend years with her and then marry the next woman has very little to do with her or the new woman as it does with the man himself. I truly believe that every time he told Nicole that he wasn’t ready for marriage he was being 100-percent truthful.

So how could he just all of a sudden be ready for marriage a year later? Simple, it was just time.

It really has nothing to do with you or the woman he met but more so when he met her. Whether he always knew that Nicole was not his “one” or not is beside the point, his time with her served its purpose. See, every relationship is a learning experience. Some good, some bad, but they all help make us who we are.

Does a woman have a right to be upset if her longtime ex marries someone within a year of their breakup? Do you agree that men always know when a woman is the one? Do you agree that just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry them? Is it truly wasting a woman’s time when a man spends years with her happily but never proposes? How much of a role do you think timing plays in a man being ready for marriage? Do you feel that each relationship prepares you for your next partner? What’s the most important lesson you learned from an ex?

Speak your piece…

Multi wedding couples

  • TBoogie

    I feel like I am always spilling about this on your blog but you DO deal with relationships so…

    As a recently un-engaged person. I am still so confused by this. He (my ex) is with the women he cheated on me with and engaged to her now – within a month mind you. I have been beating myself up with these questions for weeks! But in the end you might be right. I just wasn’t “the one”. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but might just be reality. I asked him over and over “why waste my time?” I was most furious about that. He could have just BEEN with her…but he says he loved me and had every intention of marrying me initially. And then something shifted. Who knows what’s true. But at the end of the day, I will kill myself dwelling on it. She is there and I am not. Period. She has something that he wants and I lack. And I guess it’s okay, bc someone will eventually see that thing he saw me “lacking” as their missing link. The whole notion that you suggest is just hard for anyone to accept because it feels like raw rejection – which is hard to take. Like being the last picked for dodge ball you know, lol.

    Anyway. It takes a while, but eventually I think when you come out of a situation like you described, if you allow yourself a space for self reflection, it will become clear that not only were you not the one for him…he wasn’t the one for you.

    I am trying to allow myself that space now as hard as it is. I don’t want to be crippled by this thing…and I know taking on the attitude that you described in the post will do just that. So pray for me ya’ll. It’s a long road.

    Great post, again.

    • buttercup13

      I am there too. The day before he went on vacation he said how happy he was, loved me….then went on vacation cheated on me came back broke up with me for her now 3 wks later he’s all over FB sharing their relationship status & blissful joy & implying to all that he plans to move clear across the country & marry her. Was with me for over a year & from day 1 told me he would never ever marry again, feared getting too close, etc. I am in a terrible place right now because it’s too hard not to turn this all in on myself…like what is wrong with me… :( I’m a mess. Even if deep down I wondered where it was headed with us, I was happy with him & having him pretend to be happy with me & then go all-in with her without letting me go first….or giving me w 2nd thought….devastating not just to my heart but my ego as well.

  • da ThRONe

    As a person you have the right to be upset at anything. But why would anybody want to marry somebody that dont want to marry them.

    Speaking for myself I wouldnt say a man knows from day 1 who as wifey material ,but you know who isnt early.

  • Deen

    Great stuff.

    I agree that we often know but fail to realize. However, I pride myself on knowing and realizing when a situation won’t work out in the long run. For me, it’s a simple matter of putting myself in my significant other’s shoes: “how would I feel if after investing so much time and love in a person, they decided I wasn’t the one?” That said, a lot of us men sometimes stick with an unsuitable partner for a while in the hope that things will change. I guess the question is how long you wait or how hard you should try before you pull the plug. I don’t know how I’d live with myself if I wasted a person’s time like that and claim to love this person. On the other hand, I’ve had ex-es describe this quality as immaturity or a fear of commitment. Can’t win for losing…

  • Anike Love

    “It really has nothing to do with you or the woman he met but more so when he met her.”

    I don’t agree with this. I think it has a lot to do with the woman. I’m dating casually now, and while I tell certain men who I am seeing that I don’t want to be in a committed relationship right now, it’s only a part truth. I’m don’t want to be in a committed relationship…with them. Now, if a certain other guy who I’m crushing on super hard came along and wanted to get together, then I’d be ready like *snap* that lol.

    • tanguy10

      Also, if it was just a matter of timing, why then wouldn’t he go back to the woman he loved (Nicole) once he was in a healthier place, and more ready to commit?  Granted that is a relationship of the past, but if it was simply bad timing that brought you apart, why not put in the effort, to make things work with that person that loved you for all those years? I read a quote once from a couple speaking of their marrage of 65 years “we come from a generation when if something was broken, we fixed it, we didn’t throw it away”.  Granted if it is broken it may be worth throwing away but it just seems like folks need the littlest reason to jump ship these days.  So again, if it is only about “TIMING” and nothing to do with that gut feeling of N not being “the one”, why do guys/gals not commit to that person they loved when the timing “is right?”

      In having a discussion with a male pal of mine, I told him about my ex and how I believed he could have been the “one”.  He replied saying there was no such thing.  He did say it was a matter of timing being right for both folks, but that ultimately it was chosing to make it work with this person and deciding each and every morning that you are are going to commit to making it work. Choosing this person every morning.  I agree with that.  You choose the person, not the circumstance- who care if they don’t chew as you’d like them to…if there is a core foundation there, they why not put in the effort?

      If they have fallen out of love that is a different story, cause you shouldn’t be with someone who can’t love you back.

      Just some thoughts…. ;)

  • karmagini

    You’re absolutely right, the “why’s” don’t matter, ultimately. It is helpful though to take inventory of that past relationship, to see where you could do things better for yourself or the other person.

    Anyone can be upset. Being upset is not wrong, it’s what we do with that feeling that’s crucial. If we stay stuck in the past, we cannot be in the present and learn to be content.

    I do think most men know if the woman is the one/marriage material, but like you said, the man doesn’t always realize it… and can go both ways. He may also not be aware he has the best mate for him. Generally, men are not as tuned in to emotions or intuition as women are.

    When I was younger, I believed love was all you needed for a good relationship. Now I understand it’s a formula of that combined with compatibility. You can love each other, but if your values and standards are not complementary, love won’t get you too far. Plus, look at how many codependent relationships exist, in which each person loves the other or seems to be perfectly matched, but not in a healthy way.

    I don’t think we should look at any relationships as a waste of time. However, if a man KNOWS she is not the one (or vice versa) yet she believes otherwise, or they have different desires concerning marriage, he would be wasting her time. But I have to say too, that the other partner should be congnizant of such things, and that they be discussed so that neither party wastes the other’s time.

    The most important thing I learned from a past relationship of 10 years, was that I have to do things for myself. I need to be retain some independence while being interdependent in the relationship (and he needs his own time alone or with the boys too). I learned to separate my identity and purpose from his and no one can COMPLETE another person. That line from Jerry Maguire was complete crap.

  • Angie

    People need to get out of the mindset that marriage = happiness.

    Just because that man proposed to her and not you, shoot, you might be coming up as the winner after all! Marriage doesn’t change anything but your name…and I am of the disposition that if you always thought you didn’t want to get married, and you rush in to it with some random person you barely know…more than likely down the road you will regret it.

    On the other hand, I do think that we get to know ourselves the most through the relationships we have. For instance, I never really knew just how religious I was until I met and started dating an atheist. Before him, I thought I could take or leave my beliefs, but hearing him rant and rave about the validity or lack their-of of my beliefs only fermented my belief in them. So the next relationship I was in, I knew a bit more about what I was looking for: someone that at the very least could be open to the possibility of Christ. Because of that, the relationship I am currently in is a lot stronger.

    That said, I do think that being with someone that is WRONG for you, helps you to understand who is RIGHT for you. I guess that in Nicole’s case, she was so wrong for the guy that he knew what was so right about the next chick, he had to marry her.

  • http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

    *lurks for now*

  • lola289

    TBoogie, be happy that you’re out of that relationship! Seriously… He doesn’t deserve you!

    Anyway…I sorta had a situation like that.. after dating a guy for some months we broke up after I found out he only saw me as a ‘friend’… lol!
    Thanks to FB I found out he got engaged and later broke off the engagement! YAY! lol!

    Its whateva.. at the end of the day I don’t need the drama f* him.. I want a relationship…need is another thing. Especially with the WRONG guy.

  • Sistahjo

    Superb post. Typo-free (0_~). Big up yourself!!

  • http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

    @TBoogie Your situation sounds similar to mine! I did everything for this dude. Stood by him. And then he leaves me for a girl he cheated on me with and within months they are engagaed.

    When I first fold this out I was furious! But then I realize he was a loser anyway! LOL…Now he can be someone else’s problem. Why would I want to be with someone who cheated on me anyway.

    You really do derserve better.

  • http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

    @Anike Love
    You actually make a very good point! LOL…There have been times that I have dated a couple guys at the same time casually and there is always one guy that I like better than the other. Sometimes its hard to face the truth. It was not anything that they did I just had a better vibe with one of them.

  • Malia

    “I can’t believe I spent all those years molding him into the man he is for this b*tch to just swoop in and snatch him up.”

    sings Ring the Alarm.

    Women should not commit any more exclusively, or fully, than a man does, and this will nip all that in the bud. Thinking he’s the one for you doesn’t mean he thinks you’re the one for him.

    People are always going to question “why not me” (and men do it to, though they may not always talk about it), but that’s a lot harder to take when you’re all into a guy who’s not that into you.

  • http://blog.josefhudson.com Josef Hudson

    I love the dialog that happens on this blog….keep it coming!

  • kill the socks please

    This conversation is interesting because I just had it with an ex boyfriend recently. The tables are turned a bit because it is me who got married, according to him, “to the next dude I met after him.” After hearing him state this, I was taken back a bit for a number of reasons.
    1. because I invested four years in our relationship and at some point you have to cut your loses. That’s not to say that I was looking for the hardware. But when you have tried and tried, and tried again….and again, and it is still not working, you’ve got to do something different.
    2. I didn’t really see (my now husband) as “the next dude I met after him.” Theoretically, he was the next boyfriend after my ex-boyfriend, but I argued that it was over well before we ended it and also because in my relationship with the ex, I learned what it is that I want and need and can’t live without. My now husband, just so happened to possess all of those traits.
    3. Word to the wise though! Make sure you are over your ex before you “move on to the next.” I mentioned that my now husband is everything that my ex wasn’t. What I didn’t say was that my husband is NOT everything that my ex was–and that I loved. Had I taken a little longer to learn that, I may (or may not) have learned that. Either way, I wouldn’t [still] be bothered by this question almost five years later….

  • Sistahjo

    The litmus test for any relationship is if the man spends more time talking about babies rather than weddings, he ain’t ever gonna wife you. In reality, how many men go on to marry their baby mamas? It’s so true that when someone says they don’t want to get married, what they mean is they don’t want to marry YOU. The problem is we’re all guilty of lingering too long in relationships that aren’t working for us, in the naive hope that things will get better because relationships involve hard work, right? WRONG. If you’re pulling in the same direction, then it should be one of the most organic and fulfilling things imaginable. Anyway, to quote that great philosopher da ThRONe: “why would anybody want to marry somebody that don’t want to marry them?” Shamone

  • Laylah Amatullah

    Have mercy on me, you can’t be confusing me this early in the morning: “I have plenty of exes that I love, have love for, and was in love with…”

    Are these degrees of love or different types of love?

    By the way, I love your blog. I use ‘love’ in the admirable sense of the word.

  • Shannon

    Simply put, men tend to marry the woman they’re dating when they feel they are ready to settle down and get married. For the most part, it has nothing to do with the woman herself; she just came into his life at a time when he was not ready for marriage. If you meet a man who is in school, getting started in a new career or trying to advance in his current one or trying to achieve financial security, if he has not achieved his objective(s) in life when a woman comes along, it doesn’t matter if she were an angel lowered to earth from heaven; that man is not going to marry her.

    If a man is with a woman for several years and she decides to leave, a lot of times the man will decide after she leaves that he is ready to marry, that he has accomplished his objectives and is comfortable enough to settle down and marry and if he is currently dating someone, she will be the one he ultimately will marry and there are several psychological studies and published journals to bear me out on this.

    I met my beloved after he ended a seven year relationship and because I was the one he was dating when he finally achieved financial security and advanced in his career and he decided he wanted to marry and I was the object of his affection. His ex contacted him and said she wanted to talk and he agreed to meet with her and she did come to the house. She professed her love for him and talked about how they could give it another go when he stopped her and delivered the most painful blow to her, “I can’t be with you…I’m getting married this weekend.” She stopped and looked at him. I was doing laundry and cooking and not paying attention to the conversation and I went to refill his lemonade glass and she asked for a refill and as I filled her glass she asked me if I knew who he was marrying and I told her, “Me. He’s marrying me this weekend,” and she just froze. She whirled to face him. “You’ve been dating her for eleven months and decided you wanted to marry her?! I dated you for seven years! Why her and not me?!” she demanded. My beloved was quiet for a moment and then said, “There were a lot of factors, but the main one is I was ready to get married when I met her. That’s it; I was in school when I met you and then I was getting established in my career and you decided you were tired of waiting. So you did what was right for you. And now I’m doing what is right for me.” She was speechless with rage and simply left.

    I hear this a lot from my counseling/therapy professors, who are men, and they tell me most of the time women refuse to believe that a man will not marry a woman he’s dated for years but will leave and marry the next woman after dating only a few months to a year. Men tend to marry the one they’re with when they decide they are ready for the commitment.

    • tanguy10

      as with a comment i’ve posted above….often you hear of the guy/gal leaving a relationship because of not being “ready”. Only to get involved with someone shortly after and claiming that it was working with her/him because not the “timing was right”.  In your example of life circumstance, and the woman having left him, I get that.  But otherwise, there has got to be more to it such as the timing not being right because ultimately the woman/man wasn’t right.  Which begs the question- can the right person, make the timing right?  I still have the mindset that people bail to easily…

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @Sistahjo

    LOL

    Good, I lost internet connection shortly after midnight :) So haven’t been able to get online til now to double check.

    Looking for a copy editing job?

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @Laylah Amatullah

    Translation: I care for deeply still, I can deal with you, I hate you. LOL

  • MsNYC

    Good post! To your point about women asking why they spent so much time molding a dude then he marries the next chick: well my question is why the hell they waste their own time ‘molding’ a dude. I mean, wtf is that! If the guy isnt behaving/treating you the way you want to be treated, why are you putting so much effort into that? Reminds me of the line in Belly from Tionne to Kisha ‘Tommy aint gonna be shit but what he is’

  • Sherell

    Timing plays a big role in who men marry. After being in a relationship with a woman for years, they may marry the next woman because they are ready and it needs to be at the beginning/ start of the relationship when feels are new.

    I believe it’s like the old saying men are like New York taxi drivers — cruising around all day, picking up fares. They carry some for a long time, some for just a short while, without giving it all that much thought. But at a certain point, when they’re tired, maybe bored and have had their fill, they decides it’s time to turn off the light and go home. Whoever is in the back of the metaphorical relationship taxi at that point is the one he marries.

  • MsBlackmanSays

    Does a woman have a right to be upset if her longtime ex marries someone within a year of their breakup?
    Anyone male/female has a right to be upset but don’t let the anger consume you or prevent you from being open for the “next one.”

    Do you agree that men always know when a woman is the one? They may not know from jump but after a significant time period they do know. And yes like Deen said they may be waiting to see if the woman they are with changes… BUT if that is the case then the dude needs to let the woman know what things he isn’t happy with and how long they both plan to see if these things change. Some situations/issues take longer for a person to change than others. It’s all about open and honest communication.

    Do you agree that just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry them?
    Yes I do, sometimes a long term relationship with someone know matter how much you love them just isn’t going to work. I was dating a GREAT guy years ago who I loved…but I wasn’t in love with him. He was definitely marriage material, but I would have been content if we got married and not happy. So for me I would prefer to marry someone I was in love with, who was my best friend, my confidant…even though this guy was great he wasn’t all those things so it was better for me to not marry him (even though he would have given me the world).

    Is it truly wasting a woman’s time when a man spends years with her happily but never proposes?
    It can be if the man knows this is ultimately what the woman wants and he knows that he doesn’t want to have that with her.

    How much of a role do you think timing plays in a man being ready for marriage?
    TIMING TOTALLY PLAYS A ROLE. I have known plenty of guys who were single and just felt it was “time” to get married (all their boys were married, family pressure, etc.) so the next woman they met they married (some worked out and some wound up in divorce).

    Yes compatibility and values and ideals play more of a role but timing is definitely a significant factor (I’d say at least 30%).

    Do you feel that each relationship prepares you for your next partner?

    I do…I take all of my past relationships as learning experiences and look at the things I may have done wrong or not communicated, and then what things I won’t tolerate or accept in the future from a man.

    What’s the most important lesson you learned from an ex?
    Don’t waste anyone’s time if you don’t see things working in the long term.

  • http://metanotherfrog.com/?cat=15 Sam Sharpe

    Shannon hit the nail on the head when she said:

    “Simply put, men tend to marry the woman they’re dating when they feel they are ready to settle down and get married. For the most part, it has nothing to do with the woman herself; she just came into his life at a time when he was not ready for marriage”

    There really isn’t anything more to say.

  • Sherell

    Also some women make the man they are seeing a prioriity, when they are just an option!

  • Rastaman

    Who says life is fair?
    So someone you have invested your time and emotions in theen leaving to marry the next person is not fair either. But damn if shit don’t happen and we just pray and hope it don’t happen to us or we can recover from it.

    No one knows if these decisions are right or wrong, one of my boys was with his girl for 3+ years, they agreed that neither wanted marrige. She changed her mind, he said see ya. Less than 2 years later he is married to a woman he knew for 6 months who tells everybody she would have been happy with them just living together.

    Over the last few years I have been told by women with whom I have broken off relationships that they expect to hear me getting married within the next year. Apparently I fit the profile, all my shit is lined up and I just have to pull the trigger. But its not always that easy and I am tempted to just get it over with but I am still bound by my desire to have a succesful marriage and I would rather err on never getting married than doing one destined for failure.

    So when you are in that space where you feel you are willing and able to handle the demands of a marriage, you are more hopeful than thoughtful and that next woman who meets your most basic requirements becomes el numero uno.

    By the way my boy of the quickie marriage is getting divorced. You see they were never really a match and they were married more on a hope and prayer rather than true compatability. It was 50/50 anyway so who can really fault them.

  • Dread

    Outstanding post, I’m sure this will hit home for quite a few people that read this blog, including myself. I have to comment on a comment though:

    @ kill the socks please

    “Word to the wise though! Make sure you are over your ex before you “move on to the next.” I mentioned that my now husband is everything that my ex wasn’t. What I didn’t say was that my husband is NOT everything that my ex was–and that I loved”

    That right there is church…

  • Shequita

    Its very hard to see at the time….VERY HARD, but it was/is for the better. And like “Angie” in one of the posts above me. Just because she married him doesn’t mean she’s the winner (some derivative of that). Marriage does not equal happiness! Never been in this situation but I know I’d be hurt! Eventually I’d realize it was for the better.

  • Potato w/ Jive

    Ha. @ Sherell.

    That taxi cab analogy is hilarious, perhaps because it may ring true for many of us. I’m gonna have to think on that some…

  • ALIG

    Nearly every post on this blog seems to always bash women.

    Even worse is the comments that portray women as weak and/or all the same.

  • Sherell

    I had a guy break up with me and marry the girl he was cheating on me. I was hurt initially but he was a Momas boy and she played the part. After a while I didn’t care. Ran into her a few years later, I was married and 8 months pregnant (and glowing I might add) She looked bad, tired, probably from taking care of his sorry ass. Lol!!

    Saw him recently, and all I could do was be thankfully I didn’t marry him and get caught up in all that foolishness.

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ Tunde

    this is just the way it is. a woman has the right to be upset but in the long run that really doesn’t do her any good. the man has moved on to the next one.

    everything happens for a reason and if you don’t get married then maybe it’s for the best. i agree that time is just important as the woman in a man’s life. if he doesn’t feel like its the right time for him to get married then he won’t. if he is pressured into it then i personally don’t see that marriage being too successful. besides, would you REALLY want to force a man into marrying you?

    i also have had exes that i’ve spent a significant amount of time in a relationship with and i never imagined myself marrying them. did i love them? sure, but i just didn’t see that in our future and i knew eventually our relationship would run its course. do i think i wasted her/their time? no. i took a lot of things (good and bad) from our experience and i’m sure she/they did as well.

    i would say the most important thing i learned from my ex is that once trust is gone, its impossible to get back (on my part).

  • MissPositivity

    1. Does a woman have the right to be upset if her longtime ex marries someone else within a year of their break up?

    Yes. I’d say she has the right to feel wounded pride and maybe even a small amount of embarrassment, but for the sake of her own happiness and well-being, she will have to heal from this stage of the post-breakup process. You can’t stay in the disgruntled stage forever because as the saying goes, “Bitterness is a poison pill you swallow and hope the other person dies.” It hurts but if she treats herself tenderly and surrounds herself with positivity and things that uplift her spirits, she will heal from the disappointment and step even closer to finding her own “one.”

    2. Do you agree that men always know when a woman is the one?

    No one ALWAYS knows that someone IS, or IS NOT the one. There are the very specific dates-from-hell and exes from our past who we all know were dead wrong for us. But do we know with absolute certainty that every last person from our past was wrong for us, given the fact that people evolve and mature? Maybe not. There’s always the possiblity of second chances for soulmates who miss each other the first time around.

    Do you believe that just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry them?

    Absolutely. Marriage takes not only love, but commitment, teamwork, and working toward the same or compatible goals.

    Is it truly wasting a woman’s time when a man spends years with her happily but never proposes?

    I think it’s selfish for both the man and the woman to remain together in this scenario. Obviously, the man is wasting the woman’s time, but she’s also wasting his. The longer they remain together, knowing that neither will bend, the longer they will delay meeting their respective right ones.

    How much of a role do you think timing plays in a man being ready for marriage?

    Timing is very important. It’s unlikely that one will succeed at anything one is unwilling to do. That goes for college, holding a job, reading a book, or marriage. You shouldn’t rush anything you don’t have the desire to do. It most likely won’t end pretty.

    Do you feel that each relationship prepares you for your next partner?

    Definitely.

    What’s the most important lesson you learned from an ex?

    I learned that not only was I not the right one for him…but most importantly, he was not the right one for me. That’s why we are both happily married to, and very much in love with, other people. That answer puts an end to all the lingering bittersweet memories and the could’ve, would’ve, should’ves.

  • tntydynamite

    This has happened to me! I held homie down when he graduated from college and was working at the mall instead of a corporate job like he wanted. Stayed with him while he finished his MBA and started at the bottom in his first office job. We were young and I was stupid because I didn’t require anything of him. I knew he was struggling and I didn’t want to be “one of those b!tch3s” so I let it slide when he didn’t help with the bills, or food but had money to get drunk with his friends every wednesday and every weekend. I held in what I saw as me giving and showing him that I cared and him being inconsiderate. I rationalized it by telling myself it would get better when he finished school or got a promotion. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I came home from work and he’d eaten my last Steakum. I went OFF about EVERYTHING and kicked him out. Wouldn’t take his calls, slammed the door in his face when he showed up at my house multiple times (with Steakums). A few months later, I found out he was buying a house with some girl that graduated undergrad with him. I recently saw their wedding pic on a mutual friend’s facebook page. It hurt a little. I wondered if I’d just held on while he was trying to move up in his career if it would have been me. The answer—possibly. But I’d still be paying bills and he’d still be eating the last of my damn food. I learned a lot from that relationship. Marriage wouldn’t have changed anything but my name. I had to learn that if I wanted or needed something (help with a bill, my snacks still in the freezer when I get off) I need to speak the hell up. I honestly don’t feel like there was anything wrong with me. I feel like he was finally where he wanted to be and ready to get married and she’s who he was with.

    • Raise your standards

      It sounds like you gave him TOO much! More than you realized. He wasn’t just going to wake up and get it, as long as you kept giving all that and more. I think as women we have the tendency to mother a man. Which always results not in the woman’s favour. But you lived and hopefully you learned.

  • http://www.blackplanet.com/ATLCPL33/ Atlcpl33

    The worst pain is lovin somone and the love not being returned. I learnd this a long time ago…..rejection, lost companionship, physical connection severed….painful….None of us have a manual on how to deal wih any kind of pain or loss….we are taught by being thrown into it.

    All relationships end because of disagreement.
    I Love her she does not love me,
    I want to date exculsively, he doesn’t,
    I like red he hates red…lol

    Its natural to feel pain, be upset or even angry anytime something ends and you were enjoying it,
    like a dnner plate removed before you finish ur full course. (love to dine)

    Every experience teaches…The key is to learn and adapt….

    Part of it is timing, part of it is you really can’t help who you love… Who wants to marry and soon after find it was not really you he needed….better to get left at the alter (LIKE ME)

    Yeah…. But when I met my current man It all made sense..I thought I new love….now that its been redefined….mmm.

    Unquestionalbly clear….So get over it…..

    When u flush a turd u don’t cry over it…

    Ur heart still beats…..keep it moving better yourself….
    help others…it will pass

    I feel like when someone marries quicly afer a breakup..it just means you were over a long time ago and did not see it….So in the future keep your eyes open.

  • Naturally_Pretti

    After reading all of these posts and giving them some thought…Im taking myself out of the game. All of this shit is for the birds.

  • Dread

    @ Naturally_Pretti

    Don’t take yourself out of the game lol. Just play more carefully. Don’t go all in because you think you have a “Straight Flush”. For all you know dude may not even be playing poker.

    • Beth

      That last line.. classic. Thanks for the laugh in a time of need.

  • The Duchess

    Well written NWSO!

    Tboogie- You are in my prayers & everything happens for a reason ;)

    A REAL man wouldn’t & SHOULDN’T propose to a woman that he feels doesn’t complete him no matter how much time they have been together.

  • da ThRONe

    If somebody isnt marrying you its you. Not that you are to blame ,but they arent feeling you. I would never advise anybody to nag a person. At the sametime its on you to let your interest for the future be known.

    Speaking for myself I have a mental checklist of things. Once these things have been confirmed Im ready to marry you simple.

    I will be the first person to state that marriage is overrated. If your expecting it to cure your problems or give you a sense of security. You know when your parnter is giving their all or not. If you are settling for less than thats your error.

    But if you are with somebody and the refuse to marry you odds are they probably never will or it will continue to be a long draw out process.

  • http://nwso.net NWSO

    @Ali G

    Where’s the woman bash? If that’s how you see it, it’s not my intention.

    I’m a man and I date women so I can only speak from a male perspective on women, but at same time I included man/women within this post so that people can apply their own gender preference. But for the most part you’re going to get me, a man, talking about women.

    Honestly, though I don’t see anything I’ve written today or “every time you come on the site” as a woman bash. That’s not even my style, I love women. LOL

    I just try to speak the truth

  • Amber

    Men know maybe they don’t realize it but they know…just my experience from conversations with guy friends. It just sucks that women are drug along in the process

  • http://www.blackplanet.com/ATLCPL33/ Atlcpl33

    I have been left at the alter, I have a child whose father just resurfaced ten years later married wit a two year old, just the a bit of what i been though….learn and grow……

    I am stronger. Smarter.
    Know when u meet someone new they always have a past, always have someone presently lingering and will always have someone in the future that is curious…..as humans we are
    designed to need companinionship….
    i took a seven year break

    it is ok to press pause.

    take some time but grow in that time, take classes,
    volunteer…when u are ready you return to the game at the top of the food chain…

    Know what u want and don’t settle for less than you are worth…..i saw this alot because

    somehow we blame ourselves and feel worthless when we are kings and queens if we choose to be.

    Nothing more powerful than and educated, confident person…..

    • Confident Woman

      Thank you for sharing! May God send the right companion for you at the right time! “Nothing more powerful than and educated, confident person”-that is you! :)

    • Msq

      Atlcpl33 I hope you see this four years later and if I were near you I would kiss you. I have been reading through this blog agreeing, disagreeing, bobbing my head back & forth, and even she’d a few tears cause yes the pain is real but moving on. Anywho your comment “when you flush a turd u don’t cry over it” I busted out laughing and crying all at the same time. I needed to read that. Thank you so much for that!

  • The Duchess

    Live, learn & TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!!!

    The choices YOU make in life is what makes your life what it is..

    Nobody DRAGS anyone through anything that they don’t want to be dragged through! Plain & simple!

  • Chocolate Drop

    why the hell do people focus on marriage so much in the first place to even care about whether or not an ex is married. so what….

    why would you even have emotions for someone who has clearly moved on. im sorry, but no ex of mines would ever be able to incite any emotions from me, positive or negative. exes no longer exist in this world to me once they are cut off.

    and how in the world do you even know whats going on in an ex’s life once yall break up…unless you have a kid together.

    idk, but some of the things people focus on in life is just silly to me….

    • Beth

      Blame it on the internet. It kinda takes much of the mystery out of life.

  • http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com/ Spinster

    Naturally_Pretti – I don’t blame you one bit. Folks can call it what they want. I completely understand. Saves a hell of a lot of trouble. *shrugs*

  • Naturally_Pretti

    @ Dread
    I hear you…I really do, but think about what it takes for a person (man or woman) to expose their hearts to the potential “joys” of being in love. Now add on all the bullshit that you go through to maintain it… All to end up in the very situation(s) described above (in the article and comments). Time spent cultivating a relationship could have been used building my community. Again I restate, “I’m out!”

    @Spinster
    Yes ma’am!!! Thanks for the understanding. I look around me and see so much work that needs to be done…If I’m going to invest in something I want it to at least be worth the blood, sweat, tears and hard work.

  • DC Man With a Plan

    @ Alig. Obviously, you don’t read this blog often, or you’re assigning postings by commenters to the blog owner. THIS blog subject did not depict women in a negative or weak light. THIS is someones life and their specific story. What does that have to do with you as an individual woman who may or may not have had the same experience? smdh….
    It is unfortunate that it cam APPEAR to one person that another got married in a hurry. Sounds like sour grapes. I’m not going to track my “EX” so their status or whereabouts will not be my concern or my business. It is sooo easy to assign status and weight to a hypothetical event. If he had married her who knows what life would be like for her today, but we can not assume it would be positive or better for him nor her. While we live in the present, we have to project the future based on what life is like for us today, not what it coulda been like. It is a waste of time and your peace of mind to dwell on what did NOT or has not happened. Love the life you’re living, and lead the life you love.

  • Chocolate Drop

    co-sign DC Man With a Plan…..”It is a waste of time and your peace of mind to dwell on what did NOT or has not happened. Love the life you’re living, and lead the life you love.”

  • The Duchess

    Naturally- DoYOU but pls don’t do YOU based on what others have been through! You may have a better judge of character than others do. You can’t go into ANYTHING with your heart on your sleeve cause you will almost ALWAYS get your feelings hurt. It is inevitable.

    Me, personally, haven’t been through half of the shit that a TON of women have been through so pls don’t base relationships & love etc on what others have put themselves through ;)

    • Prmedia758

      I found this blog and wanted to thank you all for sharing. I dated a guy for years and he never wanted marriage. He met and proposed to the next woman he dated after me only after 10 months of serious dating. This just confirmed its about timing and compatibility. He was never settled on his career and wanted to Always control the situation and god bless him he found someone that is complacent letting him take the drivers seat at the time his job excelled. She’s just the lucky winner or unlucky recipient of a controlling standoffish person. Lol

  • Newbie99

    I have been that girl, the one that stayed with him and he went on and married the new girl…the truth is I was not right for him. I spent a little bit of time saying the usual “he is a fool, its his loss, etc”. Now I know, we are better off not married, I was not the one for him and he was not the one for me (that marriage would have been miserable). He is happy now and so am I. He married the new girl in a shorter period of time because there was a fit between them.

    I do agree with Shannon, but I have to tell women that its not just the fact that he is financially and mentally ready (see Rastaman), it is that he has found the woman that is right for him (and vice versa) and he is financially and mentally ready (also see Rastaman. I appreciate your approach to marriage that’s why I used you as an example). If it was just the case of the former, he would have come back to you the ex. There are plenty of relationships where the couple build together (financial, spiritual, mental aspect) and end up getting married.

    It is a painful thing to go through but it is worth it in the end. Also, we need to understand that we can’t change a man’s mind. If he says I am not looking for marriage…he isn’t. If there are signs that this man is not a great product for marriage with you…don’t think marriage will change it (you will end up divorced faster than it took you to plan your wedding).

    Don’t hang out in a relationship knowing deep down that its not going anywhere (he does not owe you marriage because you hung around for 15 years). Communicate often with your partner (not nag them into marriage), find out what page they are on, that is a good indicator of where your relationship is going.

  • http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

    @Chocolate Drop I feel what you are saying but understand sometimes it’s hard to let go. Some people haven’t learned that mindset yet. It takes time, maturity, and experience to be able to grasp that concept. I do agree with you. Nobody should be able to have the power to make you feel any kind of way. You control your emotions but that is something that has to be learned. It don’t come overnight. It didn’t with me.

  • http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

    @ALIG Women bashing? Please point out a post where that occurs because I cannot think of any.

  • Chocolate Drop

    i understand…and i know i come off as cocky sometimes, but i really do get it. sometimes i write whats on my mind and its not directed at anyone in particular. and i apologize for past and future times where i have come off offensive. that is not my intentions…i just tell it how i see it…straight no chaser…tough love type of thing.

    i guess its just because im open hearted but cold hearted at the same time and know when to turn each on at the right times.

    i get being upset. but i guess im just confused as to why people even know what their ex is up to months or years after a breakup. if i ever were to be in this situation, i would just feel glad that somebody else got him and not me.

    but also, even when things end badly between me and a guy, i still wish him the best in life…even if its not with me.

  • Dread

    @ Naturally_Pretti

    There are things that you can control and can invest your time in where you guarantee a just return, I understand that. Situations that involve another party, you are only in control of 50% of the outcome while you have invested 100%, I understand that also. But with everything that requires an investment, the greater the risk the more substantial your potential return may be. If you have invested greatly in relationships in the past and it has yielded no return that you deem worthwhile, that’s not a reason to never do it again. Take some time to yourself after each one, let go of the baggage that you compiled and start over. To not take the risk is to accept defeat, and no one has ever been successful at anything by quitting ;) (Now if you’re just not into men or you’re perfectly ok with being alone for the rest of your life. None of this applies to you lol)

  • Dread

    @ Naturally_Pretti

    FYI I am by no means denouncing investing time in your community/immediate surroundings. That is a necessary activity that anyone with the means should engage in. I was just speaking from a relationship aspect. It’s painful, it’s hard work, it’s stressful, but if you ever get to the point where you can whole heartedly be in love with and create that perfect union with someone (not necessarily marriage) and get that back in return, then it’s worth it. I’m trying to prevent the loss of another eligible woman to the harsh realities that is “the game”. You never know you may be that one man’s dream woman and he may never find you because you retired early ;)

  • God’s Gift…

    and I quote, “He’s just not that into you!”

  • FrequentPhly-er

    I feel like thats half way BS. Sometimes it is about timing but sometimes it is really about the other person. The dude probably couldn’t see himself being happy with the ex in the long run, BUT she was good enough for “right now.” He may have even loved the girl BUT something about his curent wife (and not wifey) was overwelming him enough to make him want to married the girl after a year’s time.

  • hellifiknow

    As one of the older posters on this site, I think this question is posed incorrectly because it assumes that men are in control of the marriage decision. Are they? Arent’ there WOMEN who have determined that they don’t want to be marreid to someone? Aren’t there men who have been rejected by someone they though was wife material? I don’t like the fact that the ball seems to be exclusively in the man’s court. Traditionally, yes, he does the asking, but most of the time they are asking a woman they are sure will say Yes. Obviously, things have been put in place to achieve that confidence. Aren’t there couples who decide together that they want to be married to each other? It just seems like everything has become about women’s desire and sometimes desperation to be married as opposed to two people making a decision together. The single woman conversation is always about not wanting to be single…but there are some of us who do! There are some of us who don’t feel that happiness in life is tied into a man or a marriage. I know far more unhappy married folks than I do single ones. I know several men who wifed someone only to cheat on them repeatedly. I am sure that true love and great marriages exist, but we are putting enormous pressure on relationships for personal fulfilllment. Lavish weddings and the bridal industry are a relatively new phenomenon that is more commercially oriented than anything else. We need to keep that in mind when we are approaching a real relationship with someone. Unrealistic expectations of relationships and each other have us in the state we’re in now.

  • Pingback: Total Life Prosperity Blog()

  • Naomi

    Don’t you think you should take off your blinders and realize that the relationship isn’t going where you hope it will? If a man says, “I’m not ready for marriage,” that usually means he’s not ready and anything you say or do isn’t going to change that. Respect yourself enough to know when to walk away. If you have to give someone ultimatums then chances are the relationship isn’t working. If you want more than they do then chances are the relationship isn’t working. If you’re not headed in the right direction then chances are the relationship isn’t working.

    Know when to walk away. It doesn’t mean he’s an asshole or you’re a needy female with issues, it just means you’re adult enough to know what you want and a relationship with him isn’t it.

    I’ve always liked this quote: he’s a great guy….for someone else.

  • BangShang

    What tunde said…..

  • http://www.sparkingcommencement.com Sparking

    “Does a woman have a right to be upset if her longtime ex marries someone within a year of their breakup?”
    Upset no, hurt feelings, of course.

    “Do you agree that men always know when a woman is the one?”
    Yes, I think man know when a women is the one.

    “Do you agree that just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry them?”
    I think people feel a lot of things and they call it “love” but it if frequently a misnomer.

    “Is it truly wasting a woman’s time when a man spends years with her happily but never proposes?”
    It is a waste of her time, as it would be a waste of the man’s time if the roles were reversed. It is really all about expectations.

    “How much of a role do you think timing plays in a man being ready for marriage?”
    I think timing plays a significant role. However, for the right one, timing shifts. Timing isn’t something that is necessarily pre-determined, it can be modified by the appropriate stimulus. The right one is a catalyst.

    “Do you feel that each relationship prepares you for your next partner?”
    In an ideal world yes, however, in reality, some people are slow learners, slow changers, in denial, and resistant as all get out.

    “What’s the most important lesson you learned from an ex?”
    That is really a great question! I think it might be, “Be True to Yourself”

    BTW, I am a first time reader and I really enjoyed it!

  • Surprised

    Long time lurker and new commenter here. Love the blog!

    I’m really surprised (and disappointed) at the amount of men who see no problem with continuing a serious relationship with someone that they know they have no interest in marrying. If neither of you wants marriage, then do what you do. No problem. But if your lady wants marriage and you KNOW you have no plans to marry her but you stick around with her anyway, THAT’S WRONG. Especially if she wants to have children. You brothas who have no problems using up all a woman’s good childbearing years while you wait on your dreamgirl to come prancing along are BOGUS. lol You need to end it AS SOON as you know so she can free herself to go marry someone who wants to marry her instead of falsely giving her hope that YOU are that person.

    Ladies who want to be married should read these comments and pay attention to this disturbing mentality that some men have. REALLY pay attention to how many of them are PERFECTLY FINE using you to bide their time until something better comes along. “Oh she just wasn’t the one”… “We weren’t right for each other”. That’s fine and dandy…but HOW SOON did mofos come to this realization and HOW LONG did it take for the relationship to end? Wasted time and wasted eggs! How dreadful.

    I believe that men KNOW within the first 6 months of a relationship if they want to be with a woman on a long term basis. After a year, if he’s still hemming and hawing or avoiding the issue, DROP HIM AND MOVE ON.

  • rwifey

    ok, so the fact remains, i aint over him as of yet, and while we were dating he was dating someone else, we ended, started back up and drifted in and out for weeks, until whats up with us came up, from me…

    his reply: i can’t give 2 people the same love

    simply put, he chose someone else, and now they share what i wanted he and i to share

    i dont understand it, it hurts, and thats all.

    great read, and an even better and needed reread for me in a month or so

    i would post this link on fb page but he would just see it, so oh well

    thanks again

  • Shannon

    @Sherell

    I totally agree with you! I tell my daughter, sister and mother all the time, “Never make a man your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” I know there are people for whom they but a comma in the lives of their SO, but for them the SO is the entrire text.

    There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married; just don’t stop living while waiting for it to happen. I know women like my sister, who wants to get married and have children; I aksed my sister just yesterday, “What is your dream? What was your childhood dream?” She hedged, but she finally answered, “Getting married and having children.” And I asked her, “What about in the meantime? What will you do until you get married and have children?” She was quiet. “Nothing, I guess, until I meet someone.” So I asked her, “Why the obsession with marriage? Why do you feel the need to attach to someone?” My sister responded, “I want someone to love me. I’m tired of being alone all the time. I want someone here with me.” I sighed. “If you really want someone to love you, then you need to be that person for now. If you don’t enjoy your own company, who else will? And if you’re just lonely, get a pet.” She swore I just didn’t get it, pointing out that I have a fulfilling career and a nice income–like that really takes the place of being loved–and I don’t make a big deal out of being single. I explained to her that I can’t make a man my priority unless he has made me his prioirty and even then I need to be certain he isn’t using me as his footstool or crutch.

    She never did get what I was saying, but yeah, there are some people–women–who all too often make marriage the center focus of their lives and they should put that energy into something else, like an education or career or something instead of in a man, especially if he isn’t interested in marriage. I wish my sister would wake up and smell the coffee sometimes.

  • P-la

    With much growth and understanding about timing, I presently say no that a women should not be upset if her ex marries someone within a year of their breakup. Have I been upset in the past when it happened to me, oh yes, the pain has been unbearable. But, time brings on growth and understanding so I know it really was not about me or a lack of anything dealing with me. It was about me not being a perfect fit for what he considered his Mrs. Right.

    I am unsure if men always know when a women is the one. As a woman, I would like to think they know but I am not for sure.

    As there are so many variations to what people deem “love” who knows if that is what both people qualify as a reason to marry. I love hard and deep so for me, yes, I it’s best that I marry the person I love.

    Yes, I think it is wasting both parties time to spend YEARS with a partner and never propose.

    I think timing plays a big part in a man being ready for marriage.

    I feel that each relationship prepares you for your next partner. I think we grow and learn from each experience.

    The most important lesson I have learned from an ex is to remain consistent in my values and that if I am not willing to accept a person where they are at, then I should move on.

  • Kim

    WHAT!!! This is crazy!!! ““He’s just not that into you!” Okay but I am sure the pussy was good enough huh? Please give me a break a Man knows what the hell he is doing (same goes for a women) and then you say That you wasn’t right for him’ HAHAHA No sweetie the fact of the matter was YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM!!!!. Time heals all wounds, it’s easy to say Get Over It’ apparently the man or women that left wasnt happy from the jump.They was just going on borrowed time. For all we know he probley was screwing the other chick from the jump.And since was marriage so important these days??? That shit don’t hold no weight! Please yall making it seem as though the women doesn’t have the right too let her self heal. You try being in a relationship and put all you got too find out the hole relationship was a LIE!!! and illusion . Instead of sitting your partner down to talk about what’s not working or what’s lacking in the relationship . is just the other person waiting for some shit too happen so they can bounce, thats all Commiuncation is KEY , apparently there was a lack of that in the relationshipas.As for the women he up and married, Chances are he’s probley not in love with her either. He or She just doing the same repeated cycle “Ride the Horse until it doesn’t ride anymore” this time all he is doing is taking a different approach to it Ladies and Gents, Please Look for red flags from the start , THEY ARE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK!!! We just tend to over look them because the sex! I know it can be good , but use your head instead of your dick or pussy, that can only get you so far, and sadly “NOT FAR”Every person will dwell on what the could have done to make things better, why is that a problem?? Maybe it’s just part of human nature and part of the process of healing, not I am not going to say you should dwell for long, but everybody dwells on the past point blank! I do agree that you do learn from any past relationship,but I can’t agree that it will always work for you in the next relationship. I like too look at both side of the quarters on topics, and too rule out that there’s not a problem here is crazy!!! If the women or man is good enough to screw, suck or whatever than he or she is at least good enough to explain what’s lacking ..Please Men are hunters, so too say he doesnt know what he wants is just Plain dumb!!! Some of yall are half ass backwards!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • lady2b

      Thank you, Kim.

      And guess what else, people–if you dog someone –break their heart and use them–YOU ARE NOT A GOOD PERSON. Marriage doesn't cure that. And if you marry the type of person who does that to a fellow human being, I question the type of person YOU are.

  • lola289

    Great post!
    Great advice! :)

  • Elle

    Well, luckily I haven’t been in that scenario but I can empathize with any woman who would feel hurt if their ex claimed not to “ever want to get married” or “not yet” and then wife the next woman in a heartbeat. I’ve seen it happen numerous times.

    I do not think it is always about timing. Timing may play into the scenario for some men, but certainly not all. What all scenarios have in common though is that he simply didn’t see her “that way”. Ergo: When somebody tells you who they are, believe them. If he says he doesn’t want to get married (for whatever reason), know that he doesn’t want to get married to YOU. Then the choice is on the woman – stick around and hope for his opinion to change or cut her losses and let him go.

    Like Surprised said, it is definitely dragging somebody along when you KNOW for a fact that you cannot envision marriage with her/him while also being aware that this is the other person’s desire. People should be honest, brutally honest even, especially when it could come to their disadvantage. Staying in a relationship because it is comfortable for now until somebody better comes along or the next step in your career calls is selfish and has nothing to do with loving a person in some way shape or form. It’s simply loving yourself at the expense of somebody else’s needs and desires.

    I know that I ultimately want to marry one day. Hence, I date with a purpose. I don’t spend my precious time all nilly willy with anyone who happens to be around. If I can’t see husband material in a guy, I let him go. At the same rate, I listen closely to how a man feels about marriage in general and where he is at in life emotionally. Open and honest communication starts at the first date – not saying that I talk about getting hitched on date No. 1. But from my experience men know a few months into a relationship whether or not they can see themselves marrying a certain woman. At that point it is time to decide whether his and her vision for the future are aligned ;) … if they are not, move on, don’t let anyone waste your time.

    Do you agree that just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry them?
    – I do not understand that question as I definitely want to get married one day. When I am in a relationship, I love my S.O. When I love my S.O. I want to spend my life with him. When I want to spend my life with him, I want to get married. That’s the equation according to Elle. However, I guess if somebody makes the concious choice never to get married because it is not their thing, then I guess I can agree.

    Is it truly wasting a woman’s time when a man spends years with her happily but never proposes?
    – I don’t care about the PC “oh I’m so cool and nothing and nobody can hurt my ego” BS. Yes, it is wasting a person’s time when you know she desires to be married while you do not see her in that light. Let her go find somebody who does.

    Do you feel that each relationship prepares you for your next partner?
    – Absolutely.

    What’s the most important lesson you learned from an ex?
    – I didn’t really learn it from my ex but I realized after meeting sombody new: I do not have to compromise as much as I may have in the past. Yes, nobody is perfect. However, I did find myself accepting things which were sort of minor but annoying nonetheless simply because there was emotional compatibility. Love made me neglect certain little things which really were important to me after all – I just didn’t realize at the time. Or in other words: I overlooked behaviours and such which made me cringe simply because the important basics were in place and I thought I should be able to compromise on the minor stuff. The 2010 Elle says Eff that! There are men out there who are 95% compatible with me instead of just 75%.

  • Nikki

    I can understand this being that I have felt that way coming out of a relationship, he talked of plans for the future, took me to meet to his family and frat brothers and did everything to start working on that future. He leaves to go to work overseas for a cpl of months comes back and say we need to slow down within a month I find out he is engaged and within a month of that he is married. I felt like I wasted almost 8months of my life with him. After about 3months I decided to stop questioning why and accept that if he was that dishonest with then we were truly not meant to be together.

  • justme

    I think the woman does have the right to be a lil angry it part of the healing process. And men know when a woman is not the one for them just like we do but when you care about someone both parties just stay longer thn the season was suppose to last. I have realized that the saying ” there is a reason and a season for everything and everyone in your life ” more so now than ever. I was engaged once and at one point thought he was the one but as time went on we were just different ppl and broke the engagement off. At first i was mad and hurt now looking back i so much i m honestly glad i went through that hot mess. Love is a gamble and u never kno how its going to turn out so if my ex gets married today i wld b happy for him because who wants to miss out on the blessing of who u are truly meant to b with because u were to scared to walk away to the right one ……Not me

  • Ms P

    I believe that while timing is important, the main thing is you simply were not for him & he was not for you. And that is okay!!! A closed door is as great a blessing as the open door. I have truly learned to be grateful for the closed doors in my life. It may not have come immediately after a door was closed to me, but a better blessing ALWAYS showed up days, months, or even years later.

    Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should marry them. I agree that there are different levels of love. LOL@ NWSO’s levels.

    One last thing that I live by is that when someone shows me who they are, I believe them!!I have never had a man who did not reveal what they were there for. It was up to me if I chose to play, ignore it, or get the hell on! I had a girlfriend who dated a guy for 2 yrs who said all along that he never wanted to marry again. After 2 yrs she moved on to someone else who told her the SAME thing. Well this time she decided to stick it out (she was 40 y/o at the time, so she was no baby). Well she spent 6 years with him/bought a house with him, and then realized when he moved out that he was serious. She could not change his mind. He did not want to marry…her. Believe someone when they tell you who they are. If you ignore it, you will be sorry.

  • shenice85

    Does a woman have a right to be upset if her longtime ex marries someone within a year of their breakup?
    —No, but I know it may be tough to deal with. Just realize that he wasn’t the one 4 u.

    Do you agree that men always know when a woman is the one?
    —Yes.
    Do you agree that just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry them?
    —Yes. I believe it takes more than just love when it comes to dealing with marriage.

    Is it truly wasting a woman’s time when a man spends years with her happily but never proposes?
    —Yes esp. if that woman is looking for a lifetime partner. If he’s not going to propose he needs to step aside & let her fall in love with someone that will.

    Do you feel that each relationship prepares you for your next partner?
    —Most Definitely

    What’s the most important lesson you learned from an ex?
    —I’ve learned what I don’t want in a husband/boyfriend, LOL. But seriously I’ve learned to really pay attention to every detail when it comes to dating & trust your instincts esp. when they say NO! don’t deal with him.

  • nova nova

    To women who want to be wives:

    Give a relationship one year, at that point give a “me-a-matum” and dude has six months to “put a ring on it” if not, you should be “on to the next one”

    Fact is, men know whether or not they want to marry a woman pretty soon in the relationship. Theres no need to waste all that time and energy. Once you get to a point where you are ready to get married, there is nothing wrong with dating like someone who wants to get married. If thats your goal, be about it. Stop playing games and beating around the bush, realize that your time and presence are valuable and don’t waste them on someone who is just biding their time.

    Women are too afraid of being alone to be honest about their intentions because they are afraid that if they are real, they will scare a man off, that is somewhat true. You will scare away the gamers and the false prospects but when a man that truly cares for you comes along, he will do what he needs to do to stay in your presence.

  • Saveme

    That was a nice read. It made me think about all the my past relationships and the mistakes I have made with men. I chose not to get married along time ago. I want time to work on getting my career started and work on bettering myself so then when the one does come along. I will be ready to give him my all

  • Elle

    Amen!!! @ nova nova

  • Gemini

    I was in a relationship with my ex for 7 years. One day he decided that he wanted to leave I was cool with it but told him if he wasn’t out by february 28 he would be paying his half of next months rent. He moved out february 27, LOL! We were broken up for a year or more when I found out that he was getting married (he made the announcement at a cook out that my homegirl was at and she told me the next day) he called me at work thinking he would get to me first (homegirls work faster). he got pissed of because I didn’t wish him well. I wanted to know if he was seeing this chick on my time because I couldn’t see how a person could marry someone in such a short time. He said no. I say YEAH RIGHT.

    I never wanted to marry him because I saw things in him that made me keep my care in check. I was in care, not in love. He has since divorced her because she got busted hooking up with her ex and not paying the gas bill. I held everything down and this is who he chose. We talk from time to time he even tried to put a bid in to get back. But when I look at him he looks different his nose looks croocked and he stands funny. What did I see in this dude anyway?

    We could have still been in care to this day had he just left things alone.

    • gurl_on_fire

      lol.u funny

  • Gemini

    Oh So True Nova

  • jess

    I forgot where i heard this but it always stuck.

    A woman is ready to marry when she falls in love. A man falls in love when he is ready to marry.

  • http://www.dashofreality.wordpress.com Dash

    Yup! The last line in 500 Days of Summer depicts just this. Summer never wanted a boyfriend and couldn’t commit to Tom yet within a year she’s married. Tom asks how could that happen? Summer responds.

    Summer: “One day I woke up and I just knew.”
    Tom: “Knew what?”
    Summer: “What I was never sure of when I was with you.”

    And that’s real. The heart wants what the heart wants, nothing personal. So yea get over yourself.

    • lady2b

      You know this whole "get over yourself" mantra is irritating. I'm not sure if it is an age difference or whether some people don't have the maturity to understand that you have alot of people who are dealing with loss, but karma is a dog. Your day is coming….

  • Nate

    This is very true. Whats love got to do with it? Absolutely nothing. If you are not the “one” then he/she will never marry you. You two can still have a good relationship and have fun, but there has to be more to move on to marriage. But then again, some people do not want marriage anyways or worse, have given up on trying to find the “one”

  • Brilliant1

    I feel like naturally_pretti…this shit is for the birds!

    So is this REALLY how it is for men? Once a man decides he wants to marry, he just marries whomever he’s with at that time?? And it’s that simple. Really? Obviously I’m having a hard time with this concept, so someone please help me. I think this explains the divorce rate in this country! Again this shit is for the birds!

  • Pingback: Is He Different With Her? Why Did He Choose Her Instead of Me?: When You’re Not ‘The One’ (or they move on to a fresh ‘victim’) | Baggage Reclaim()

  • http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/ Brad K.

    I think the nation, and most of our parents, failed to teach us as children one simple little imperative: Why should we (anyone?) have a baby?

    That little strategic consideration has implications. If we know why to have a baby, we can choose a responsible partner to share parenting.

    If we know why to have a baby, we know why we want a partner in the first place. And we can choose a “good” partner.

    Consider that communities, including families, are biological entities, they grow or they die. Whether you consider your “community” the people that live around your, or that work around you, or play or worship around you, each has to make provisions for assimilating newcomers, both adults from other communities, and maturing young people.

    Consider that many of us were raised in a family (or families), and were indoctrinated in some type of culture. I consider culture to be the collection of rituals and processes one chooses to honor, combined with agreed upon strictures and definitions of what is right and wrong. I consider the family, the couple to be the atom of culture, that combine to make up a community.

    If one is raised in a functional, healthy culture, there will be a bias in that person’s life to live the roles learned at home – as mate, as parent, as member of community and family. Each home, the adults that come together, construct a culture of the meanings and rituals of the cultures of their childhoods and experiences. The agreements of the adults define that home culture.

    When we honor our teachings – we couple up, we make a home. We might or might not have children, or serve our community with crafts and produce, or engage with our communities and families to grow and prosper as a whole.

    I think dating – the process of making social recreation and even roommating, out of courtship ritual, is self-destructive. It presents people looking for a life mate in an environment tailored to commercial exploitation, to dating “pro”s, and to other unsuitable partner prospects without a mechanism to sort the predators and varmints from the flock.

    You mention a guy might live with a gal for years without realizing she isn’t going to make him happy. I say, he should have deliberately chosen a partner prospect. He should have considered only those with good character, respectable and trustworthy, with an aptitude and interest in a home and family. Then spend the rest of his life as if he intended to be a well-respected member of the community, of the family, and a man she can trust and respect.

    Does this mean there is no place for casual dalliance? Nope. But you have to be sure your partner wants a temporary bit of recreation, and be responsible enough not to make implied promises you haven’t prepared for. Implied, such as continuing a relationship as if you were courting. Sharing a residence implies you are making a home. Keep it light, keep it clean, or live as if you intended to be a partner in a shared life.

  • Janae

    I have learned so much recently.. I Talked to a guy for 4 years then i found out on his facebook he been dating somoeone for a year they are serious and exclusive..

    The part that hurts the mose is that he played with my feelings… When he started dating her he should have told me… NOw it’s been 4 months I confronted him and of course i never herad from him

    Does a woman have a right to be upset if her longtime ex marries someone within a year of their breakup?

    — Yes, because at some point he knew he didn’t feel the same for that woman he should have been honest and told her the truth

    Do you agree that men always know when a woman is the one?
    —Yes.

    Do you agree that just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry them?

    Yes.

    Is it truly wasting a woman’s time when a man spends years with her happily but never proposes?
    —Yes because once again that’s time been waseted that she could have met someone else

    Do you feel that each relationship prepares you for your next partner?
    —Most Definitely

    What’s the most important lesson you learned from an ex?
    —I’ve learned to have my boundaries, and look at those red flags, never have expectations of anyone, never let someone be yout priorty while you are there option….

  • raven

    I’m a visitor from BaggageReclaim – nice post! Of all the commenters this is the line which really struck me:
    Once you get to a point where you are ready to get married, there is nothing wrong with dating like someone who wants to get married. If thats your goal, be about it.

    I have to be completely honest and say that I can now see that I never dated this way and so consequently I never found a guy who wanted to form a long term relationship. I fell into relationships which simply carried on largely in the way they started. I thought that love would ‘grow’ into the desire to settle down and that is the number one illusion which women need to give up. I now realise that if a woman is in a relationship for more than about a year and doesn’t indicate that she is wanting long term commitment but just carries on assuming it will happen, then if it doesn’t, it’s partly her responsibility. If you don’t have the courage to state what you want and need, then don’t be surprised if you don’t get it. I’ve learned that the hard way and at 53 I can’t help but think my window of opportunity is pretty small now.

    If you know long term is what you want then date that way from the outset!

  • jane

    i dated a guy for 2 years off and on and at first i pushed him away and then later when i could feel him not liking me i fell for him hard. i know thats on me…but he kept coming back and i thought maybe we could work it out but thinks just turned in to having sex, and he was a very nice guy, i didn’t think he would use someone like that…so things got worse and worse but we contuned to see each other and then he met a new girl with my same name and then told me he never loved me. why would he keep coming back if he never loved me? he just wanted sex? thats what i think

  • http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/ Brad K.

    jane,

    Some people live a “perpetual dating” life style They have no drive to a shared-life relationship, can’t conceive of what a married or other well-couple life could be. Your guy could be invested in believing that the point of having men and women – is to score with new partners.

    I personally think that there is more to life. In which case, without a real relationship, the sex would be as meaningful as a weekend game of touch football. Just be more expensive, and maybe not last as long.

    Sorry about your experience. If you want a guy that shares a life and future, look for someone with respect, discipline, honor, integrity, that has good emotional bonds to his family, friends, and co-workers, and that children and small animals flourish in his care. You know, a “good” man.

    Don’t be sold on the commercial images of “desirable – gym-type build, flocks of adoring women (the “gathering” won’t stop – ever). Don’t look for what the cosmetic and car and fashion industries want to sell, don’t look for the winning appearance or strategies at singles hotspots and events and activities. Look for what might be valuable to your grandparents and your community.

    If you are looking for a good man, find the singles spots, the Saturday night entertainments – and run away from them. Check the single clerks in the hardware store. Check your married friends for suggestions of men they respect. Make friends with women, especially married women. Learn the differences in priorities and values that make identify and valuing a good man a simpler task.

  • Heather

    I’m with a man who says he’s not ready to take our relationship to that level (marriage) yet. I don’t know if it’s *ME* that is not the *ONE* for him or if he’s just not ready to get married yet. At any rate, I’m getting to a point where biologically, if I want to have a family of my own, I would need to get married soon. I am not sure whether I should wait or not. My question is, if a man *becomes* ready… is it really the woman he is dating at the time that he marries, or is it usually the *next* woman he marries?

    It seems to me that often it is the *next woman*… and I’m thinking maybe there’s something to THAT. A man becomes ready but it takes a new relationship for him to take the plunge. Do you think that’s the case?

    For me, I am worried that I will wait until he’s ready but because our relationship isn’t new, it won’t be me. Regardless of the reason. Thoughts?

  • http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/ Brad K.

    Heather,

    You might glance at the e-book NML (Baggage Reclaim) wrote, “Mr. Unavailable an the Fallback Girl.”

    My own thought is that he chose you for a “relationship” that was safe – that is, no likely to become permanent, or with many responsibilities. Safe in that he won’t have to change his world view from “dating” very much.

    Of course, you did, too.

    Neither of you stopped to ask, “Is this person a good mate-candidate, are they skilled and do they have the understanding, character, and discipline for a shared life? Do I respect and trust this person, as I get to know her/him more closely? Do I see this person, not just me, as being my mate and companion for life?”

    Dating for social recreation (an not courting as in “begin building a shared life courtship) and falling into a living-together or other version of sexually active coupleness, without the public and family-involved approval and witnessing of vows with legal bonds intended to endure for life, is a sex adventure, not a courtship.

    Now you want a family. The thing is, other than knowing this guy and being familiar with him – is he suited for family life? You sound like you want someone – which implies you are about to give him that “Cosmo” moment of “take the leap or I cut you off. Really, I will this time.” Please don’t skip the step of asking if he is someone you want to co-parent your children.

    And as you are asking yourself about his qualifications, recall, that right at the top of the list of his “features”, is “willing to shack up.” People that are morally flexible about relationships often continue their lives being morally flexible (not loyal, that is).

    Also – why ask him to choose for you? Aren’t you responsible for how is in your life and who is not? I you decide he isn’t suitable for a mate prospect – then be respectful and truthful and get your ducks in order. Begin living as if family and discipline and character and respect – and commitment – mean something in your life.

    Live as if what you are doing is what you intended to do.

  • yoyo

    yes, he’s wasting her time.

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/babeinsugarland babeinsugarland

    The ex before the man I'm currently with is the man I thought was my soulmate. But we just couldn't seem to ever be a REAL committed couple. There were tons of "I love you's" and "I want to be with you" but in the end he chose someone else. He's now coupled up with her and didn't have the decency to let me know. I found out about it through Facebook! The thought of it still turns my stomach but it made me realize I deserved to be with someone who was completely honest with me about who he was and where "we" stood.

    Even though the thought of them confuses me I now know he couldn't get me back if his life depended on it. He pushed me in the direction of a dating lifestyle that is so much better for me:)

    Ms. Babe
    My recent post How to spot a REAL Sugar Daddy

  • PinkKitty

    Timing is key, he may not have been ready for marriage when he was dating his ex. However, I do beleive that a man knows what he does and does not want when he enters a relationship with a woman. He knows upfront what his intentions are when first meets a woman. He knows if she will be the side-chick, jumpoff, girlfriend, or future wife… becuase he knew that’s what he was looking for. I also believe the some men like to keep women around as “now and laters”, I don’t want you now, but I won’t let you go, ’cause you may come in handy later (some women do this too).

    If you are in a reltionship and feel as though the other person is wasting your time…. you are probably correct. I am not a man, so maybe this is why I don’t understand the concept of “he will not wife the woman that he is with until his career is established”. What ego, what pride. I thought the essence of a relationship is to be with the person that you love, respect and share goals and values with; regardless of your or their financial or educational achievements.

    I guess this is not the case.

  • Mds

    When I read this I cried!! I was with my first love almost six years! I told him let’s talk about getting married and he said I can’t see myself getting married it broke my heart to hear that! Less then a year later taking back and fourth we meet up and thinking he realized but he can’t figure anything out!! I love him but he doesn’t deserve to be with me specially of what he’s putting me through!!

  • Tkoz

    This happened to me on my birthday in 2008. Except we split because I found out he was cheating. He then moved on to marry the girl he cheated on me with. I’m doing better now, but its been 3 years now since that happened. When does the hurt go away? I feel like I’m over him, but rather I’m not over what was done to me? Maybe I’m not over him?

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    There’s no set time table on how long it takes to get over someone, especially when you don’t get closure. The main thing you have to remember is that it’s not what she did better or different than you for him to marry her, she was just the one for him. Even though you may have wanted to be that you (nor he) has any control over who we fall in love with.

    All you can do is you and eventually you’ll find someone that will make him a distant memory. But the longer time away from the hurt the easier it will get.

    Good luck

  • lo

    I just read this. How about the man that begs and begs you to marry him? The man that asks if he gives you a ring, will you come to be with him. The man that promises you a marriage, while you are trying to take the relationship one day at a time….and then while you are across country, planning your wedding and move, knocks up some chick he just met, and marries her two weeks later (a chick that knew you, and knew he was engaged to you…and waited for you to leave)….give me a break.

  • lo

    I have to say, she probably is not the one! Similar situation. But if it makes you feel better…odds are against them. and I am sure you will hear from that man again…but you wont want him. sorry!

  • lo

    uh, when karma kicks him in the ass…this recently happened to me. sad thing is, he still calls…and is not happy. he made a mistake and knows it.

  • Matukami

    Great response!
    I think it’s fair to say that if a man can turn around so quickly….
    (in my experience consciously go out & find the right one within 2 weeks!! get engaged and marry within 3 months)then there is no way for
    you not to not feel used and completely disregarded.
    Regardless of how stupid I may have been…it’s just not right. And even still, there is so much self blame and self criticism that I could have been better and maybe it wouldn’t have happened this way…I don’t know….and the guy acted as if he wanted to try with me for about a minute but couldn’t even have a conversation about anything…And I wasn’t pushing for marriage just wanted to have a nice sweet relationship and be closer to him…but for some reason he couldn’t deal. And he never really had a long term relationship before and he is 47…So maybe he just realized it was time to change and so he acted differently with the next one. It could have been someone else before me even, he just didn’t decide for it to be. That’s what I think. I think men finally wake up and do something different because they realize they haven’t been right. I’ve had relationships as well that I ended because the guy wasn’t right for me, but I didn’t use them or cheat on them or disrespect them in anyway…. maybe they just don’t really know what to do.
    Read Mars & Venus on a date…it’s very enlightening regarding the male psych and how they need to feel that they can make a woman happy.
    If for any reason they don’t, whether because of their own personal issues (financial status,self-esteem, happiness, sense of his own masculinity, etc) and/or because the woman isn’t the right feminine type for him then he won’t feel good about himself.
    So it’s a combination of his attitude, outlook on relationships, and how he chooses to treat a woman, and who he’s with. Couples can bring out the best in eachother and make eachother stronger or not.
    But I think magic happens when both people are in the right place emotionally & psychologically.
    And, yes, relationships change you, if you are paying attention. If not, then you keep doing the same things over & over again and you may never meet anyone.
    I’m still healing and I have bad moments everyday…it just happened to me. But I know that in time I will forget about the situation and I hope that I will be able to think good thoughts about him in the future.
    I do think that LOVE is enough…if it’s not then I don’t believe it’s love…you can’t be IN LOVE with a friend, but sometimes only 1 person is IN LOVE.
    Blessings, love & light to all,
    Believe in good things even though this happened.

  • isa4489

    The man I was dating says he likes me so much, but he is not ready and that he hopes I give him a chance when he is. I told him, honestly it’s easier if you just tell me you don’t like me this way it’s easier for me to move on.. He told me he knows it’s easier but it’s not the truth, and he only likes to be honest with me. We were penpals for 1 year, and he told me he didn’t think he would like me this much. His friends told me that they hear a lot of good things about me, and he told me it should not be years but months until he is ready. I don’t want him to think I want marriage, I just wanted him to commit into a relationship – but he is thinking so far into the future. I’m not going to hold my breath for him to call me in a few months, although of course there is a hope that he will, but I do want him to know that I am very supportive of his needs. If he’s not ready then he needs his space and his time. 

    Do you guys have an opinion on this? You seem like you have all had your share of experiences..

    • Anonymous

      You don’t sound ready to me. Plus, it doesn’t even sound like you’ve guys have even met yet. And the whole pen pal thing sounds like he’s in jail, but I won’t judge or assume. Lol.

      Y’all sound like you need to take it slow and start with a relationship in the same state/city and take it from there. Marriage is a big commitment and not something you rush into especially when you’ve only been pen pals.

      He can talk all that marriage talk because it sounds nice but if you’re not interested (yet) you don’t have to listen or agree. Get to know the brother and vice versa. You both have time. No point rushing down the aisle with someone you don’t fully know and probably don’t even love yet.
      Check My Interactive Business Card: http://flavors.me/anslem

      Sent via AnsBerry from NWSO-Mobile

    • Anonymous

      You don’t sound ready to me. Plus, it doesn’t even sound like you’ve guys have even met yet. And the whole pen pal thing sounds like he’s in jail, but I won’t judge or assume. Lol.

      Y’all sound like you need to take it slow and start with a relationship in the same state/city and take it from there. Marriage is a big commitment and not something you rush into especially when you’ve only been pen pals.

      He can talk all that marriage talk because it sounds nice but if you’re not interested (yet) you don’t have to listen or agree. Get to know the brother and vice versa. You both have time. No point rushing down the aisle with someone you don’t fully know and probably don’t even love yet.
      Check My Interactive Business Card: http://flavors.me/anslem

      Sent via AnsBerry from NWSO-Mobile

  • isa4489

    The man I was dating says he likes me so much, but he is not ready and that he hopes I give him a chance when he is. I told him, honestly it’s easier if you just tell me you don’t like me this way it’s easier for me to move on.. He told me he knows it’s easier but it’s not the truth, and he only likes to be honest with me. We were penpals for 1 year, and he told me he didn’t think he would like me this much. His friends told me that they hear a lot of good things about me, and he told me it should not be years but months until he is ready. I don’t want him to think I want marriage, I just wanted him to commit into a relationship – but he is thinking so far into the future. I’m not going to hold my breath for him to call me in a few months, although of course there is a hope that he will, but I do want him to know that I am very supportive of his needs. If he’s not ready then he needs his space and his time. 

    Do you guys have an opinion on this? You seem like you have all had your share of experiences..

  • isa4489

    Thanks for your reply. We did meet, and we had written for a year – in between we met and went on a date which went very well. We continued to write, and now I’m back and we had a really nice thing going – literally. 

    I am not trying to marry him, or get him to marry me – definitely too soon to think about jumping into this. I ended up replying to a marriage blog because it more-so fell into the topic of men not being ready for commitment. 

    My intention is/was to get to know him better and to have a committed relationship later on (maybe), and that is when he said he isn’t ready, and that he hopes I give him a chance in the future, since he is working now with his job and his promotion..  He told me that he knows he is hurting me, but he isn’t happy only giving me 80% because he wants to give me 100%. 

    I was just wondering if when a man is ready, will he call back? Or do they know they are ready? It’s me just having a hard time believing that he really wants a chance in the future with me. 

    We don’t talk, I think we either will not speak or he will talk to me when he is ready, thats the feeling I get. 

    • Anonymous

      When a man knows he knows and usually goes full steam. But there’s a difference between knowing and thinking you know.

      Again, you sound unsure and like it’s too soon so continue on your path at your own pace and what will be will be.

  • Emile Cary

    I have always been the stopgap. My ex s married someone else after me apart from one
    It doesn’t make me feel good.
    I have this yen to seek them out and find out if it worked out with who they wed years later
    Trouble is can’t find them

  • Bethany Beryl

    I hung around for too long even knowing so because of not wanting to face the truth

  • Eliz

    My husband of a few months was that man who was with someone else and didn’t love her. She talked marriage- he balked and said he would never get married. Then he ends it and goes on a trip across the country, meeting me in the process. We have 4 days together before he has to leave. 3 months later he finishes his trip, all the while we are dating and talking everyday but not seeing each other. He comes live with me for a month and meets my family and proposes. Then we move 900 miles away from my family. Within 2 months we are married. He says with a smile that i came along and ruined all of his nicely laid plans.

    In the past I’ve been that girl that was with the great guy and he balked at any hint of marriage, and then within a year marries someone else after I ended it. Now it’s my turn to have the great ending. I believe that this happens to everyone. The majority of mediocre/bad relationships can be chalked up to PEOPLE BEING WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE. It will all fall into place when you meet the right person.

    He loves me with everything in him and I love him the same and that is all that matters in relationships.

    • Tiny Warrior

      Then why are you reading this article

  • Eliz

    Oh and by the way, men aren’t ignorant. They know what emotions and feelings are. They know when they are not with the right woman. They show they don’t want to be in that relationship by being an a-hole. Don’t degrade men into no-thinking individuals that are too stupid to realize that they really do love you. Right. Don’t tell them how to think. If they don’t want to be with you then why the hell would you want to be with them. Oh yeah, how about you trap them in a relationship that they will just end in about 15 years. Now THAT’S wasting your time.

  • Me
  • tanguy10

    Newbie99 wrote: I do agree with Shannon, but I have to tell women that its not just the fact that he is financially and mentally ready (see Rastaman), it is that he has found the woman that is right for him (and vice versa) and he is financially and mentally ready (also see Rastaman. I appreciate your approach to marriage that’s why I used you as an example). If it was just the case of the former, he would have come back to you the ex. There are plenty of relationships where the couple build together (financial, spiritual, mental aspect) and end up getting married.

    I do agree with this.  There are several men/woman that end relationships with people they love (or think they do at time) because the timing isn’t right.  Only to find out that they started something new with someone else when the timing was right.  If it was only a matter of timing, they would reconcile with the ex.  You wouldn’t (or shouldnt) just discard somebody in which you had a solid foundation and a great relationship with just because they are part of you past (not ready time).  Theres got to be more to it then “she just happened to be there when the timing is right”.  A man or woman can also choose who is there when the time is “right”….

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/4I73TS76DWPEOQQSJHM3UCEHWI aracelig

    HONESTLY, GEAR UP FOR SOME HARD FACTS GIRLS, ….. the reason your dude didnt marry you, and married that “other interloper” is simple… U READY…. she was thinner, and therefore prettier than you.  Fact! simple!  in the years he was yours people tend to get comfy and if the bf is a good kind, “ill take u to breafkasft. lunch, etc… u start gaining weight. He starts think that he can do better, and if he has a halfway decent job, is intelligent, and has talent, he will, get someone hotter.  Thats all it is… Someone hotter started shaking her ass at him and he couldnt pass it up!!!!  who cares if u r the best cook in the world, if he knows how to cook too, he will be doing it for her.  Men, love a damsel in distress, but the damsel has to look cute!  If she is fat and ugly, forget it.  he is not about to tumble over what he has securely at home for another fixer upper.  he scored a hottie, and he thinks he deserves it.  he isnt thinkung, “does  she really love me, or will she cuddle me?  he is thinking of the hot body(new and tight) he is getting to bang.  Men are alwyas the 12 yr old, and if he has a chance at the playboy bunny, no matter how much of mama nurturing u have in ur  arsenal will work.Asshole, that he is, he will leave.  It happens, first he will meet her, and of course, she will be the one asking him questions, etc etc, it will usually happen at a boys night out.  he is dressed like a reg tues and for some reaon someone(male) brought s girl they wanted to bang and she brought a friend, low and behold the friends starts chatting up ur man,  an thats all it takes.  she is cute, has a cute figure, laughs, and does the hair twirling, and then she asks if he is on fb….  tsk tsk tsk, thats it, he says yes and now you have a competitor.   that night he will come in great spirits, and want to b lovey dovey, after a mnth u start to see the diff.  He gets angry for nothing, the sex isnt there, blah blah blah.  why??? cus his attention is with her.  he starts to picture himself with her, all the things he could do to have with HER. and he can’t cus of you! all this is cus he wants to bang her, when he does, if she holds out for long, u and him are already throwing threats of leqaving around!.  He says, fine, go, who cares!  u do to prove u can!!! a wk later, he cant be reached, he is having sex with her and u r doomed! unless she is a drug addict and not just a man stealing slut its over for u and him.  if itss not, 4 mnths later, ta dum de dum, ta dum de dum….. wedding bells!  why?  she left him for a wk, and he wanted her back, in that wk, maybe u got a drunken call or txt, and u got excited, it was just the last he had before he woke up and said, im buying her a ring today.. not you, HER!   and tahts what happens……  not being a bith just stating my perspective

  • Kaygee1906

    Once a mature person gets to know you well and they say “I’m not ready for marriage” that means you are not the one! If someone walks up and give you a million dollars would you be ready to receive it? Of course you would, you would actually make yourself ready because that’s a once in a lifetime experience. Same rules apply to finding a significant other in my opinion. When you find that special person, you begin to prepare yourself either to be with them long term or for the short term! #watchyoursetups

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  • BelievINLOVE

    Being in the thick of it right now, I really feel a man knows when he is ready to settle down and if the timing is right and he feels the woman is a good fit in his life, he seals the deal. I dated someone for 8 years- sure it wasnt perfect but we had chemistry…he cringed at the mere thought of marriage and kids whenever I brought it up but then he went ahead and proposed to the next woman he dated after we broke up. This just proves that most not ALL men decide to marry when all is good in his life ie his finances, his career, his social life. I am not bitter but it is definitely a learning experience. I spent so much time trying to fix the relationship over the years- I overlooked the fact that I should have  walked away years ago. I tried with no avail to meet his wants and bridge our communication gap but it wasnt good enough.Love wasnt enough, chemistry wasnt enough. I let a demanding, manipulating person control my emotions when he just didnt want marriage at that time he was with me. He never walked away but led me to believe if things got better, we would talk about marriage.  It just made me feel defeated and rejected to know the ex chose to propose to the next woman he met after dumping me. But I think it helped me see what I dont want in the next relationship. Moral of the story is if you feel like something is lacking and it’s been over 2 years of breaking up and making up, walk away first!

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  • vicky

    My name is Victoria Cole, I almost took my life because of my ex who left me and stop picking my calls. He said do not trust me anymore, I tried to convince him, but he will not believe me until we had a fight and broke up for 8months, after then I realize I can not live without him because of the love I have for him. I tried everything possible to get him back, but non worked for me, some fake spell casters scammed me and went away with my money until I came across this man called The Great Esango Priest, he cast a spell for me and behold my ex came back after three days, begging me for forgiveness, I was so surprised that spell caster like The Great Esango Priest still exist. If anyone here needs some help, with all sincerity, contact The Great Esango Priest via his email:esangopriest@gmail.com

  • miss mercy

    dodogodssolution@yahoo.com my thanks to you for a great works

    When I married my husband I was already pregnant and so I didn’t have a job. He had a really good job though so I was able to stay home and take care of our son when it was born. When we had our second child we moved to a bigger house, but then strange things started to happen. Things would fly off the walls and doors would slam at night. Our oldest son talked about seeing figures and hearing voices. We consulted a medium and they said the house was haunted. After living there about a year more with only minor occurrences we moved out. That was when the bad luck started to happen. Everything started to fail, with my husband’s job, our money and our luck in general. I went back to the same medium and they told me that a spirit had followed me and placed a curse upon me for disturbing it and not being respectful in the previous house. He tried to remove it but was unable. The misfortune kept going on and getting more severe as I tried to search out someone to break the curse. But when I found Dr.dodogods spell he finally did it. Things started turning around almost immediately after he cast the spell and have been great from there! This was really a miracle for us, thank you Dr.dodogods spell from the bottom of my heart!

    Posted by. miss mercy

  • sophia

    my testimony

    thanks to this man how i told my problem and he helped me solve all my problem in just 5days he is really a great man and a real spell caster he helped me bring back ex love back to me who left me over 12mouths ago he is a great man you can contact him in his email. dodogodssolution@yahoo.com thank you dr.dodogods/ posted by sophia

  • sonia

    Hello dr,kokotemple. I recieved an order from you a couple of months ago. I would just like to thank you very much as both talismans have really helped me. I had ordered the Mystique Talisman and the Spirit Calling Talisman which have both been very effective. I will be in touch within the next few weeks to order some more items from you. Meantime once gain many thanks to you and your special powers.his email address is dr,kokotemple@gmail.com

  • Danielle Bessa

    Danielle Bessa

    Thank you for uniting me with the man of my dreams. I met him at a party my best friend was having and everything is great you can contact him at dr.babajoelspellcaster@gmail.com

  • faith

    Just a short note to let you know that your spell really works. My husband has came back to me. I truly thank you for this. he has don it again email he for help at churchofproblemsolvedchurch@yahoo.com

  • mark Andersen

    This was even faster than I could dream of, dr.rivers(dr.rivershebalisthome@gmail.com). Thank you for taking time to listen to me and answering all my emails. I feel emotional strong again. My confidence is back and I see my future clearly. I am forever grateful for your help for re-uniting me with my old lover.

    mark Andersen, Seattle, new york

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  • Amanda Rossiter

    Yes u do have a right to be miserable when he walks out with no explanation. After 2 years. Find out six months later he is back with horrible ex. Then less than 3 months after that the bitch texts me to say they are getting married. Smug and nasty piece of work she is couldnt wait to rub my nose in it. This bit has all happened this week. Its nine months since he left, Not even a bloody text. And feeling worse than when it first happened!

  • Jerry

    You sound like a lady on her period

  • Kim

    I believe men know exactly what they want and who they want it with. They give us hints by their behavior and their actions more than their words. I no longer waste a lot of time of men. If they are not showing that they are serious and want a commitment, I’m out. Why put yourself through waiting for them to decide whether you are a now or later. Also, do not ever be a man’s transition woman. Don’t be there to help him through school or help him start their career. Don’t be there to shape and mold him unless he has already married you. Women need to start being more smart about not being used by men.

  • Emma

    Definitely had this happen to me. What a brutal blow when your bf of 4 years who you thought you knew so well says he’s seeing someone else while he is still dating you. You also realize it clearly had nothing to do with looks (since she’s no catch in that manner) and he continues to want to befriend you (telling you how she’s just like you and how well you’d get along with her) and marries her within the year.

    Rude. Just fudgin rude. For real who has time to waste on these buggers when they kept saying you were their one and only for years and that they always want to be with you (even as a “friend” after the breakup for god sakes, are you FOR REAL?? “You’re still my best friend and I’ll never find another person like you, can’t we still hang out??”, You just CHOSE someone else dummy, I agree that we WERE best friends, not anymore bud. That’s your bad, deal with it.). Seriously guys, not all ladies are looking for marriage as an ultimate goal, it’s not about that, it’s about the cold heartedness of marrying another in so little time without giving the relationship status time to breathe (nevermind dating her while already in a relationship). This means that there is no growth period for the man, where he takes time to learn from the relationship that screwed up before jumping into a new one. Instead he just leaps into another relationship where he barely knows the girl and then wants to invite you to his wedding as a friend (ARE YOU FOR REAL?). Even his friends were shocked that he did went for the other girl since they thought I was good looking, funny, and cool to hang out with (from the horse’s mouth, then they proceeded to try to go steady with me, but I ain’t low like my ex).

    Not going to lie, I do secretly look forward to watching his flashjob wedding sputter to a painful halt, cause well, karma’s a bitch and even though I know she pushed him into that wedding at mach speed (he told me himself while trying to “be friends” with me) never would I ever take him back. I already know how their story ends, since most of my exs have returned in the past, and I’ve rejected them all upon their return since they clearly did not know what they had and I’m no ones second choice.

    PS: Ensure that you go NO CONTACT with these kind of guys, or else they haunt you and keep trying to contact you as a safety net. DO NOT be a safety net. They gotta learn by hitting the ground hard with no net that the bumps and bruises of relationships have to heal before getting back in the ring with a new sparring partner.

    Take care of yourselves!

  • MARTRY

    well done! my problems are gone My woman came back last night, i thought it’s a joke she came to say good bye to me ,then i waited ,suddenly i saw preparing food,bed and hide under bracket, i couldn’t believe any thing i see, i decide to sleep at the gouge to see what happens next ,only see her come and slow her self on me start kissing and then i realize you are the true healer, its now 2 weeks since she came home ,but doc my sex life has gone down i don’t know why , i want to come and order for that medicine. i will phone you later today! i appreciate your services, be there for us please. thanks you to obadamtemple@gmail.com,

  • mllslf

    He left me about a month ago, and little dat i knew he was cheating on me since october of last year 2012, with this girl. Before this time he was home with me of 5 miserable yrs, we have 3 children still young. That week before he actually left, i was in his arms and he was telling me how much he loves me and he said he and i would get married some day. So then back to when he left that last day of february, he must of been contacting this other girl. They ended up together this month in March 2013, and ended up getting hitched on the 26th of this month, I thought Gz that was to fast. But yet im being told hes talking about me on his fb in a bad way. And yet hes married to her. I dont under stand why hes doin all this if hes married. Ugh cant he just be mature enough and let it go since he went this far. i was broken hearted but with jesus christ himself i dont think i would of been able to make it this far. What is his pronlem seriously.