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Will I Ever Make Time For Love? (Self-Analysis, Pt. 2)

Posted by NWSO • March 29, 2010 • Printer-friendly

A couple summers ago I had dinner with two of my homegirls, Sandy and Courtney. There was descent food, a good bottle of wine, and even greater conversation. As with any time men and women sit around for too long, things eventually delve into a discussion about relationships.

After Sandy and Courtney listened to my numerous stories about the women I've dealt with over the years—the ones I've tried to save, the ones who drove me batty and the ones I never fully acknowledged—they came to the conclusion that I’m emotionally unavailable.

If true, then on top of my admitted savior's complex and possible abandonment issues (thanx, pops) now I'm being told that I may be emotionally unavailable?

Great! (Insert sarcasm here).

They also felt I use work and my admitted workaholism as a crutch to further my emotional unavailability.

Super! (Insert more sarcasm here).

No one wants to hear such things about themselves, no matter how true or far-fetched. I pleaded my case to the opposite, but it was all in vain.

My argument of me working towards my future to make something of myself and providing stability to a future family was voided.

My argument of working two demanding jobs where I have dozens of responsibilities that make my schedule hectic was voided.

My argument of just having too much going on to fit a relationship into my world right now was voided.

Each and every one of my feeble attempts of justifying my alleged emotional unavailability was systematically voided.

I was told that if I really wanted a relationship or truly liked someone I would miraculously find the time.

Well… Sandy and Courtney might be right.

In the past I've seen myself find time at the last minute for a sister I was really checking for. But, if I was only mildly interested, or not really interested at all, my attitude was more like, "I'll see you when my schedule permits."

Now, this isn’t a black and white pattern that I follow 100-percent of the time, but it’s been enough times to spark a trend. There have been plenty of women that I do want to spend time with and get to know, but things often come up both work-wise and personally that keep me from doing so as much as I would like.

So it’s not like every time I can’t set a specific date to hang out it’s me being dismissive, it’s just that I really do have a hectic schedule and some times duty calls—often. But there's always time for things your heart truly desires. Unfortunately, a solid future is what I desire most and sometimes the women in my life wind up playing second fiddle.

Sandy and Courtney also told me that I oftentimes don't give women clear-cut signals. I'm indifferent. I'm neutral. I'm not pressed and that tends to come off as hard to read. So a woman that might be interested in me never knows if I'm mutually interested and are left guessing.

They usually think I'm not that into them when in fact I am (or not) and wind up backing off to pursue more viable options. It's a tricky game of cat and mouse that neither wants to play, but we end up playing by default.

Not sure when or if I'll get over my interpersonal shyness, but I'm working on it. But for the meantime, as messed up as it may sound, I find myself just going with the flow at times.

I can concede to some parts of Sandy and Courtney’s analysis. I admit that I'm not an aggressive dude when it comes to females. I see guys hawking at girls on the street all the time and I don't want to be one of "those dudes." I certainly don't want to be perceived as one of them by constantly hollerin’ at chicks on the street, train, club or wherever else it is dudes holla.

Instead I sit quiet and don't say a word; but a closed mouth doesn't get fed, right? So maybe the shambles that is my haphazard love life is my own damn fault. Maybe it's time to add a little aggressiveness to the equation.

But back to the primary question at hand: Am I emotionally unavailable?

Honestly, I’ll say yes… and no.

I'm sure most people who read my blogs regularly would say I appear to be in tune with my emotions quite well, and would check off the yay box. However, I know enough about myself to admit that I've not usually as emotionally open in my romantic relationships (mostly the wrong relationships). So more than a few exs would proudly check the nay box.

I think it all comes down to the chemistry between me and a particular woman. If there's that spark that that attracts me, my emotional outpour is likely to be higher. But if that vital piece of the equation is missing, my emotions are more likely to be unavailable because I don't want to lead anyone on or give off the wrong idea.

I end up becoming indifferent. Neutral. Not pressed and that tends to come off as hard to read.

That's not to say that I'm not interested at all and don't enjoy the person's company, it's just that sometimes people want and need two different things. Not sure if that makes me sound like an asshole or a dick, but the older I get, I've decided that I’d much rather be honest with someone than to lie or hurt them. At the end of the day you gotta respect or, at least, appreciate that.

This revelation/confession maybe putting too many of my cards on the table and mess up my romance quota in the foreseeable future, but this is part of my self-analysis. This is part of who I am and the person I am discovering.

The truth of the matter is; I'm a complex individual. I'm a driven individual. For better or worse, I don't have a problem scarifying small things for the sake of the bigger picture. In my world, the ends justify the means. That line of thinking may make me "successful" in some regards, but eventually I have to find a balance.

I have to do more than just KNOW that I can't save everyone, fix every problem or carry the world on my shoulders, only to fall right back into the same trap. I need to except, absorb and commit to the fact that those things are out of my control and just move the hell on…

I hope that one day I can find the perfect woman that understands/respects my goal-oriented nature and at the same time, has that special spark that makes me want to forget about work. Well, at least for a little while anyway…

Do you think it’s possible to love someone that’s emotionally unavailable? Are you, or have you dated, someone that uses work (or some other time-consuming thing) as a crutch to avoid serious relationships? How frustrating is it to deal with someone that’s hard to read? Do you think that people play too many games when it comes to dating? Do you believe that busy people make time for things they really want to do? What do you think of my second self-analysis?

Speak your piece…

Image via Alephunky

Tagged as: abandoned, Daddy Issues, dating, personal, self-analysis

http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

I'm so glad you wrote this post because I think I have the same problem LOL

It's hard to make time for a relationship when you have a demanding schedule. When you are pursuing a dream and want to be the best you can be you hardly have to eat, sleep or even take a breath let alone a relationship.

People don't seem to realize the time and effort it takes to make a relationship work. When you are going for the goal, it's like you are already married to your career. To be the best you have to go beyond and above everything and that does take up a lot of time.

There have been a few guys I have been out with recently and all I could think about is I'm wasting my time here when I could be working on my work LOL

They were great guys but my focus is so strong elsewhere.

"They usually think I’m not that into them when in fact I am (or not) and wind up backing off to pursue more viable options. It’s a tricky game of cat and mouse that neither wants to play, but we end up playing by default."

I think that alot of the guys I have dated have said the same thing but I it's not that I'm not into them. I just do not easily fall for someone. I like to take my time and get to know a person before I start to show much affection and people aren't used to that(especially for a woman)

It is very possible for someone to be emotionally unavailable. I'm an example. I'm not bitter or scared to fall for someone I just don't have the time or energy to put into it.

Busy people are just that BUSY! We make time for things that are a priority! Most of us make our prorities our careers at least for the moment until we reach our goals.
http://ecstasykmichele.blogspot.com Kaye Michele

You have been reading my mind more often than not lately, NWSO. I recently wrote a blog about "The Love Grind" on my personal blog...I was wondering why it is that it's so easy for us (myself in particular) to be on the grind, chasing a dream, following a specific career path, but we have problems being able to do the same in love...

I do a lot of self analysis myself. I find that I am the same way...emotionally unavailable to a certain extent and unsure of whether or not love is for me, or even if I know what it is. It's something that I myself am still looking for the answer to.

Either way, it's comforting to know that others are in a similar boat, and going through the same subtle (or not so subtle) self analysis that I am.
http://goddessesrising.blogspot.com goddessjaz

You are always right on time. I've been really debating this a lot lately because I've been trying online dating only to realize, like offline dating, it's something you have to invest time in. Other things just seem to take priority. I can agree with GinaMarie, I don't want to be out with a guy just for sh*ts and giggles, wasting time (if it's someone i'm just feeling *okay* about) when I could be spending that time on career demands. It sounds effed up but we all know how valuable our time is when we are trying to accomplish goals.

I'm trying to be really cognizant of not using my work as a crutch to hide from intimacy but I KNOW myself and I will make time for someone who really gets me hype. I probably will spend too much time, lol! I also know I'm afraid of getting distracted.

I agree, NWSO, I feel like I have to make sure I have a stable future set up so that when I want to have a family I can. I don't want to have to depend on someone else to provide that stability for me, so now I have to take the time to make sure I can create that for myself...just in case.
http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

@Kaye yes we are all on the same boat! LOL

But for me I am exactly where I want to be. I'm in love with what I do so I don't have time to be in love with no one else at the moment. LOL

I'm just not looking to settle. People ask do I get lonely. Really I only get lonely when my scratch needs to be itched! LOL But other than that I am good for now

I know evenually in the future that will change but I'm only 23! Might as well go after my goals while I am young!
love.addict

I find it impossible to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable. I need to know how you feeling cause thats how i connect to a person. I have dated someone who used being to busy as an excuse to not make time for me. It was super annoying and I couldn't deal. So I left. I don't fool with dudes I have to read all the time. Security comes from both words and actions. Actions show me and words tell me so i wont believe something thats not true. People definitely play way too many games. I am so happy I consistently run into guys that aren't into that time of thing. Thank God for that blessing. When you truly want something you make time for it. Its small things like phone calls just to say hey I was thinking about you that make a chick feel special. It don't have to be an all night affair. I think dudes should keep that in mind. Ladies too but thats a whole nother blog. lol. As far as how I feel about this self analysis acceptance is the first stage. Nothing wrong with looking at whats in your eyes before you clean someone else eyes.
http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

@goddessjaz Time is so valuable. You barely have enough time getting everything done being single. LOL I know I will have a hard time if I were in a relationship. I'm like you. When someone really catches my attention I will spend too much time! LOL I love hard and when I am in love they are my priority. That is why I can't get and relationship right now. And I agree I want a stable future for myself. I'm not going to struggle all my life so I am doing everything in my power to make sure that does not happen.
http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

@love.addict I agree it is impossible to date someone that is busy. That is why I don't even get involved and string anyone along. I think if most people were upfront like that it will save alot of drama and hurt feelings. I never let a guy get to close unless I know I will to. It has to come from both sides.

I feel busy people should stay single or have causal relationships unless you are willing to put your goals on the back burner a little bit. It is called sacrifice...can't have your cake and eat it too...well at least not all at once LOL
msz. lonely girl

your abandonment issues where do they stem from ? That's probably is the cause of the "emotional unavailability"problem
You might be scared the woman you do wanna make time might abandon you
People like that tend to abandon the other person first because of that fear almost self conciously like a defense mechanism you developed
Sometimes you find the time but you stop find yourself emotionally not there
Anike Love

Dating someone whose emotionally unavailable is a setup for failure, and the best thing you can do is let that person work through those inter-personal issues before you all can get intra-personal

And to you NWSO (yes, bolded so you don't miss it lol)

In all seriousness, have you ever considered talking to someone professionally about this? I mean, no joke (I know how some black folk get when ppl mention professional help lol), but maybe just a guided discussion of some of the serious underlying issues and how to address them.

You mention that maybe you'll find a woman who'll understand your goal-oriented nature and respect it. Well, respecting it and accepting it aren't the same thing. I'm sure many of the women you've dated have respected your drive, but not been willing to accept being the 6th women off the bench. Moral is: maybe you can't have both, and maybe the adjustment comes on your end.

And lastly, even if a woman comes along that has that special spark to make you want to forget about work, what's to say you're going to recognize that fire or be able to drop work for her? Maybe you haven't developed those "just put the Blackberry/iPhone/Smartphone down" muscles that you need to do that.

You're obviously a man of keen introspection, but maybe it's time to step outside of yourself to understand yourself. Just some thoughts...:-)
http://ecstasykmichele.blogspot.com Kaye Michele

@Gina: LOL!

But I always wanted to know: why isn't it important to us to make time for our internal? Call me crazy or corny or whatever you like, but what good is success if there's no one to share it with? Yeah, there's family and friends...but...

*shrugs*

I dunno. I just feel like even for me, I've been so focused on doing everything that I set out to do that I've let the emotional care to me that needs to happen suffer...and by that, I mean trying to cultivate a meaningful relationship. No one wants to be alone...right?

*scratches head* I need to go write...
THATgyrl

So much of what you said here makes me think of the man that I am currently in love with. To compound things he is also living in another state.

We met many years ago and saw each other briefly. At some point he ended up getting married and moving away. We lost touch. Fast forward till last year and we reconnected online and we're both single. We started talking, IMing, email, any way we could communicate and it seemed like we couldn't get enough of each other. One thing he said from the beginning was that he doesn't do long distance relationships. He has in the past and I guess there were too many issues. I understand that, and since we just reconnected I felt I will just continue to get to know who he is now and see what happens.

Now we can talk about practically anything but when it comes to affairs of the heart he is not a great communicator to begin with so if I want to know something, I have to try to pry it out of him. That being said, there are many times we have been in discussion of our 'situation' because we both have feelings for each other and would like to take our friendship further and he has 100 things from kids to school to work on his plate standing in our way. He does work long hours not only outside the home but when he comes home he continues to do his work sometimes until really late. He isn't always locked to work though because I can call him some time and he is out with friends so he obviously can make time when he wants to.

I also went to visit him for a long weekend and I think it was probably the best time I've had in ...well....ever. He even introduced me to his Mother as well as his kids (which I never expected). I was feeling super good about this because I felt like maybe it was the test to see if we still had the chemistry, like maybe it was a jumping off point to see if he should go any further.

Then I got home and everything seemed to stand still. I started asking questions. Maybe I scared him or something, but dammit we have known each other too long for bs. I am not getting any younger and I pretty much don't want to waste my time if I don't think there is long term potential in a relationship. I told him, and I truly mean it, that I just want him to be perfectly honest with me. If there is someone else, tell me. If he is afraid, tell me. If he is keeping his options open, say so- at least I will know I need to modify my options and we could remain friends.

I was recently semi grieving because I was thinking the signs were there that he must not want to try to see where this will go or else he would make the time. (Or at least tell me he isn't feeling it). Friends were telling me they think he is pretty much telling me without telling me that I'm not a priority and I figured I needed to move on, but then we are on the phone multiple times a day and have such a strong friendship...and I swear if you were in these conversations you would think we were together already. I just don't know what to do.

As far as the distance thing, I could transfer my job pretty much anywhere and my youngest child graduates high school in May so I am willing to move. Not only that, but I don't feel like there needs to be 'instant anything' so I would get my own place and we could go from there.

I probably don't want to know the answer to this but ......go ahead and tell me what y'all think... I'm pretty much sure the consensus will be to move on.
lola289

*Do you think it’s possible to love someone that’s emotionally unavailable?

I don’t think so… But people settle and do it everyday in relationships.

*Are you, or have you dated, someone that uses work (or some other time-consuming thing) as a crutch to avoid serious relationships?

Don’t think so… But I do think that’s a great excuse! Lol j/k

*How frustrating is it to deal with someone that’s hard to read?

Awful… it’s funny NWSO your situation is so common. That’s why communication is all it takes in a relationship. A phone call or quick text (not often!) can make or break a woman’s feelings.
The last guy I was seeing was a counselor that needed counseling! :/ It’s sad that so many ppl just don’t understand that their ‘issues’ aren’t that common or deep. COMMUNICATE!

*Do you think that people play too many games when it comes to dating?

I think games are okay until like thirty y.o . I mean seriously ppl need to grow up and leave the games w/ in the twenties.

*Do you believe that busy people make time for things they really want to do?

Busy people like to be BUSY!
Even when you do something fun. Work’s still on the brain!

*What do you think of my second self-analysis?

I feel for you dude… I think that it takes a strong person to really look at themselves and the situation and try to make amends to it. It takes time and ALOT of self-reflection, but in the end just remember no one is perfect! All you can hope for is happiness and your own sanity!
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

Do you think it’s possible to love someone that’s emotionally unavailable?
- Yes. People do it all the time.

Are you, or have you dated, someone that uses work (or some other time-consuming thing) as a crutch to avoid serious relationships?
- Yes. Would never do it again.

How frustrating is it to deal with someone that’s hard to read?
- Very. Would never do that again either.

Do you think that people play too many games when it comes to dating?
- Yes.

Do you believe that busy people make time for things they really want to do?
- Yes. At the least, there's a little compromise and work to make time.

What do you think of my second self-analysis?
- Not sure.
Malia

And lastly, even if a woman comes along that has that special spark to make you want to forget about work, what’s to say you’re going to recognize that fire or be able to drop work for her?

I agree. Most people, they don't recognize that person when they come along. They expect some magic spark, chemistry or some supernatural "knowing."
THATgyrl

sorry for the long azz story...lol this situation really has me aggravated because i have never felt like this about anyone before...never EVER wanted to say the 'L' word...lol
http://ecstasykmichele.blogspot.com Kaye Michele

@THATgyrl : It happens. You just sounded like you needed to vent. But I think you answered your own question. The reality is, when he's ready, if you're around for it, make it do what it do. But I wouldn't hang around and put your life on hold for it. =o/
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

THATgyrl - Exit. And FAST.

What gets me about people who are SOOOO busy, is that they act as if they're the ONLY ones who are busy. "I'm so busy, I have this and that to do." I, I, I, I, I... me, me, me, me, me.

For real? And we regular old peons don't have lives?

How self-centered, somewhat narcissistic, an insult to one's intelligence even. GTFOHWTBS.
Saveme

I think in this day and time when people are losing their jobs. It is hard to work on a relaionship. I would give anything to find the guy of my dreams but I do put work before my family and friends and the guys I date understand that. I can"t say I want a hard working guy. If I am not a hard working woman
karmagini

Almost everything you posted reminded me of how my guy was: he's always been very driven, an overachiever (although he disagrees), possibly abandonment issues, not expressive, hard to read/mixed signals, & a bit emotionally handicapped.

We've had our ups & downs over the span of a few years. And I'll fess to my own commitment issues, loss of self, & codependent/savior issue of trying to save someone by teaching them how to love again. Time & time again, I'd think "if only he could see how good we are together, how great of a catch I am, he'll change in time, yadda yadda yadda." I'd even try to manipulate this into happening. Some of his actions showed his love but his inability to commit spoke louder... only I didn't listen to that for a long time.

He'd tell me he couldn't see himself getting in a relationship, he was so busy with getting his life together, he wasn't ready, etc. Things finally changed when we had a sizable conflict that left each of us space and time to think. He realized he didn't want to NOT have me... & I realized I alone than the love rollercoaster ride we'd been on for so long.

But, we both still wanted each other & set some rules: he that he had to go at his pace of opening his heart, me that if I were to do that, I needed to know this was for real finally & that we were officially dating. I believe my setting my standards and not settling made me more attractive to him, but I did it for ME. I knew even if he still couldn't handle that kind of acknowledgement & commitment, I did the right thing by demanding better treatment.

Thankfully it has all worked out well. He's steadily opening himself up and has shown me his love by his effort. If a man wants love he'll work for it, no matter how busy the rest of his life is. He's still not as verbally expressive as I'd like, but I have no doubts of his love through his actions, little and large.

And he's busy alright... but I knew this a long time ago & had to decide if I could handle it. It actually works nicely because I need to have my independence and time to unwind, paint, or just be alone.

So... I see nothing assholish about your needs or self-analysis. It is what it is Ans. The only tihng that would be wrong is if you led a woman to believe otherwise.

I still believe though, if you truly wanted a serious relationship, you'd let and make it happen.

And THATgyrl.... we're on the same wavelength again. Same thing applies to your man. If he wanted to take that step, he'd do so. Maybe once you let go, he'll also realize what he's missed; maybe not. But trust me, you're better off being single than settling for some part-time love interest. Unless that's what you want...
THATgyrl

Thanks Kaye, Spinster & Karma (my long lost sister..lol) I appreciate your input.

Karma, girl-- what in the world?! Ugh. I'm glad yours is working out for you. And your post I swear I feel your words like sometimes I have said them...

...and no its not what I want...but I swear I have been single for so long I feel like buying a bunch of cats and callin it a day. lmao

ooo to tha wee
Anonymous

get out of my head!.... Lol. Thats me all day.
Elle

Being that I am not a workaholic I find it hard to relate.

What constitues "too busy"? Like Spinster said (btw I luv ya girl), do you workaholics think other people do not have lives? Are you guys simply not as stress resistent as we are who don't complain about being too busy? We have hectic lives too, you know.

Yet and still I will always, I repeat ALWAYS make time for friends, family or other loved ones. And if making time simply constitues meeting for an hour or two, not picking up the phone and showing up for events that may not be important to me but important to them. Showing that you are emotionally invested doesn't have to take all friggin' day. Squeeze in a lunch date or a coffee break. But acknowledge the people in your life and their desire to remain a part of your life.

I see exactly where your homegirls are coming from. All your excuses are just that - excuses. If you wanted to make time, you would. But you don't want to. Ergo: a classic case of emotional unavailability.

Personally, if I had to deal with somebody like this, I wouldn't even bother. Attentionwise I have been spoilt in my past relationships and I do not settle for anything less. How does the saying go about making a person a priority while he/she only sees you an option? You seem to see your love interests as an option, not a priority. I certainly do not want to be an option to anyone in any way, shape or form. Or in other words: I don't want to compete with your work.

We all have bills to pay. Hence, working is a necessity. For some it is even fun. However, I always look at it like this:
On my death bed I will not regret not having worked more hours, not having written more reports, or not having compiled more presentations. I will regret not having spent more time with my loved ones when I still had the chance.

What do you want to see when your life flashes in front of your eyes? Work or quality time with the people you care about? I work to live. You seem to live to work.

Live a little.
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

Spinster ---> HERE <--- Elle.
scorpio temptress

well this is interesting because my friend feels like he has to put off his relationships with a woman he's been with for years becasue he feels he gets too emotionally involved with her to the point that it causes problems with his work schedule and outside activities. I know he wants to marry her but he feels like you he needs to be stable and have a solid foundation before he can commit and he wants to be able to provide for her and their future family. so I understand that part. but time waits for no man so we only live once and if she makes you happy keep her and learn to be emotionally available and focused on work at the same time it can be done women do it every day!!!
Sherell

When I was a teenager worrying about some guy not calling, my father said that "people do what they realy want to do." And if that guy was really interested he would call. Understanding that simple statement has served me well. Excuses are just that excuses. I see it on both sides: when someone is giving me the busy excuse and when I find myself using it. I realize that its a matter of limited interest.

Unavailable by definition means not being present and ready for use.

One thing I have noticed with many writers that are super introspective and lay it all out in their writings is that many suffer from "Analysis Paralysis". Over thinking every situation, taking things a part and expecting to understand all aspects. Some things must be experienced!

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." But the unlived life is not worth examining!
http://goddessesrising.blogspot.com goddessjaz

@Elle "On my death bed I will not regret not having worked more hours, not having written more reports, or not having compiled more presentations. I will regret not having spent more time with my loved ones when I still had the chance." That is my biggest fear.

Your points are well taken and I have to work hard to make sure I'm maintaining my relationships with family and friends rather than becoming consumed by work. Adding a romantic relationship adds to the list.

I think it does indicate some level of self-protection to try to appease those abandonment issues. Reading responses from the other side of the coin really gives me some perspective on how I must come across to others.
That Guy

As i approach my 30th B/Day and 15th year dating, all of which while being a type A personality and entreprenuer/over achiever... I've come to learn there are two ways to approach love/relationships..

1) As an aquisition, this approach is followed by most men/women who are under the impression that one must first have the resources to secure a fruitful and sustainable relationships, thus man must work to build a home/safe haven for his women/family before he even engages in a true search for love and companionship, whats worse than finding what you want and not have the ability to obtain/maintain it... Capitalism is a strong influence on this.. but not the point. This approach places security over risk.. If/when I have everything together, then I pursue, because even if he/she doesnt work out, I'll always be able to fallback on my degree, my business, my house, my career... None of which love back, keep you warm at night, or can talk with you on a bad day, or be there when your 70...

2) As a project.. Essentially, this approach I'm starting to find is more realistic.. under the project approach men and women meet and commit based on mutual characteristics and goals and agree to BUILDING the life they both want to share. Its a long term approach based on partnership which places at the foundation trust, commitment, and diligence to reach said agreed upon goals. As I've gotton older, I'm learning that there's never an opportune time to do anything... Start a business, a family, go back to school... these are all things that you just have to make up your mind and do. I didnt save 80k berfore I went to college, I didnt save anything before i started my first business, I didnt plan a thing before i was born, but I'm here and ok, because I built a long term plan and decided to have delayed gratification in order to reach the greater goal. We do it all the time in our scholastic/business lives but are afriad to apply it to our personal lives. This is due to many factors including many of which the author has already highlighted, but in the end, those are just fears, which become irrelevant once there conquered.

If we picked mates that are our friends first, the secondary stuff doesnt matter... Who makes the most, has the most degrees, etc are all things that will flucuate over the course of a lifetime, but there is no substitute for love.. The power/peace that comes from someone who loves you unconditionally is stronger than any drug.. As I've climbed tax brackets and had other achievements, the ones I look forward most are the ones with my own family. Seeing my son graduate, seeing my daughter down the isle, taking vacations together... all the other stuff, is just that, stuff... I've seen the sunset on all four corners of the globe, and its nothing if you dont have someone to share it with.

Our generation has to go back and truely redefine what success is.. For me, its Love, Health, and Wisdom... with those 3, you can get anything else.
Elle

*standing ovation*

Preach, That Guy!
Rastaman

Ans, I was with you for a minute but then when you noted that your girls labelled you "emotionally unavailable" , I had to step the fck off.

Why becuz this "emotionally unavailable" bullshit is the new stick many women have added to their arsenal to beat men into some sort of relationship submission. "Commitment-phobe" grew tired and was having less impact, so a new phrase has been added to the lexicon: "Best terms to make that man feel bad for not wanting to commit to me."

Fact at the end of the day as a man, you will be judged by what you accomplished in your life. the same woman who is claiming you are emotionally unavailable will verbally roast you ass if you get with her and because you did not put sufficient time into your hustle fail to hold her and the rugrats down.

Some of thse ladies need to quit it, your man is not your girlfriend, i am not here to share feelings with you or go shopping or cry because your sad, no matter what Cosmo, Essence or any of the latesr woman's mag tell you. That is why you have girlfriends. Any writer can attest to the fact they are paid to write articles not concern themselves with how it may impact people's thinking.

What the hell is "emotionally unavailable" anyways?
I am a lot older than many of the folks on here and I can tell you that real women actually love and respect real men. At the end of the day she wants you to be her rock, she wants you to not cry at the drop of a hat and she wants to know if she makes a bad decision, you are man enough to tell her no or she is wrong. How is a man who is in his woman's corner and want to see her be happy, emotionally unavailable?

If anything based on captain ways, you are probably too available to teh wrong people.

Listen we are all in different state of maturation and for some of us it takes a little longer than others but it is best to be at a point in your life where you can handle different things life, love, family and work throws at you than to bow to pressure to take on more than u can handle. What happens is that you break under the pressure and you end up hiding in a bottle/glass pipe/gambling den or just hide. If you want the family, the career or the love you should not hide from them but you have to grow into that person.

Are there emotionally unavailable men? Of course.
But here’s what I think: The only people who get bent out of shape about this sort of thing are people who have not found the right person yet. When you’re in the right relationship, you don’t want them to do stuff you read in a magazine, right? You just want THEM. You want them to share what THEY want to share. You want to be with THEM. Not some version of them that they could be if only they’d read that book you read.
Anike Love

@ Elle, you were so on point!!! Especially your point about making time for friends and loved ones. We all make time on what we want to make time for. The same effort you use to make time for work you can use to make time for those you care about.

@That Guy, I love the perspective you took on looking at a relationship as a project. And great point about unconditional love being the most powerful drug!
da ThRONe

I had this problem for different reasons. I too am passive when it comes to approaching women. I think the key to solving that issue is never to pursue a female with the idea of dating them. Just be friends and let things progress naturally.

Friends dont have press or attach to themselves like daters. Just like you cant see your other female friends on a consistent basis ,but you guy remain friends. When its right it will manifest into something more. If not then there is probably a good reason.
http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

wow, I totally agree with Elle. great comment.
A.D.

Great post NWSO! I understand where you're coming from. The difference with me is I've just STOP asking 'why what when how' of my not-so-successful dating life and have chosen to concentrate on obtaining my law degree, financial stability, and staying healthy. Your facing it head on, hell me I'm crawling away like a kick puppy!

I wish and suggest that everyone conduct thier own self-analysis. If everyone was to do this, I bet a whole lotta of marriages/relationships would be more successful.

Hang'in there my man. I'll tackle my own love issues another day b/c today I'm too damn busy!

- A.D.
moonstarz

People, no matter how busy, allot time for those they want to spend it with, period. I know this because I do it all of the time.

Yea tonight I may need to go to the gym, get rid of the virus on my laptop, clean or start homework, but I will drop something if I wanted to see a special someone. Somebody not so special? I'll schedule another time.

Also I am very considerate. It irks me to no end when guys and friends cancel on me at the last minute. If I tell somebody I am going to do something, I do it! Rain, sleet, hail, snow or 100 degrees! At that point, it's not about being busy. It's about doing what you said you were going to do!

Being 'busy' is often an excuse used to avoid getting together or having time for people.

In terms of being emotionally unavailable, too much for me to get into.
Sherelll

There are certainly times in your life where you need to focus most of your energy on career, school, kids..ect and not have time for a relationship. As a single Mom that travels internationally, I more than understand.

You just do not want to look up 10-15 years later, (where did all that time go?) as I have seen some people do and have a great career and yearn to find that perfect person to share it only to have dififculty and realize lost opportunities.
http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com/blog Dewan W. Gibson

Ans,
What caught my eye was your caution about being labeled "that guy," as in the one who hits on women on the subway, at the store, walking down the street, etc.

I've found that being "that guy" is much more beneficial than passively watching women pass. I certainly don't mean staring at women like they're meat or saying trite s**t like "Can I holla at you for a sec." But starting a normal conversation on the subway, in a store (Target and Walmart are always great lol), etc is fine.

Consider speaking up a bit, you'll probably find someone who's worth putting a few hours aside for each week. Especially in NYC. Damn!
http://ecstasykmichele.blogspot.com Kaye Michele

@THATgyrl: No problem. Good luck...

For everyone: I find that it's easy to criticize and pass off emotional unavailability as an excuse. Some of it may very well be...but I have a greater respect for the person who is willing to undergo self analysis and not subject another party to potential drama, than someone who goes into a relationship to attempt to forge a partnership that one party is evidently not ready for. I think that causes more problems in the long run.

Excuses or no, the reality is that everyone is not ready for a relationship. Point. Blank. And the ones who know they are not (like myself) because they know that they have resounding issues that prevent them from giving their all, or because they're emotionally unavailable, whatever the reason, that choose to self analyze and get themselves right, I salute them.

Of course, at the same time, I think ThatGuy said it best: "We do it all the time in our scholastic/business lives but are afriad to apply it to our personal lives. This is due to many factors including many of which the author has already highlighted, but in the end, those are just fears, which become irrelevant once there conquered." When I wrote about The Love Grind in my personal blog, I said almost the same thing: we are, in essence, afraid of the unknown and the uncontrollable. However, the same way we can go hard for our career, go hard for our dreams...we can go hard for love. We just have to move it up on our list of priorities.

It's something that I'm working on, too.
Elaine

Do you think it’s possible to love someone that’s emotionally unavailable?

Yes, however, it's unlikely that the love will be reciprocated. I realized that I was emotionally unavailable for some time (unbeknownst to me) and essentially wasted the time of the guys I dated during that period. Of course, I wasn't aware of it, but in hindsight, you know...

Are you, or have you dated, someone that uses work (or some other time-consuming thing) as a crutch to avoid serious relationships?

Recently, I met a guy and asked what he's looking for, to which he responded "nothing serious right now...work schedule doesn't permit". That immediately raised an eyebrow because I've learned that no one is ever "too busy" for anything they want to do. I dated a guy who has his own biz, a FT job, a child and somehow, always had time to spend with me...go figure. So I've gathered the "too busy" excuse is usually a mask for an underlying reason...whether it be lack of interest, hangups from a previous relationship, or just wanting something casual. And it's usually, my sign to put him in the acquaintance (if that) box.

How frustrating is it to deal with someone that’s hard to read?

Very -- I've been on both ends of this. I'm constantly told I'm difficult to read...this is usually because of a lack of interest. When I find a guy difficult to read, however, I tend to ask questions just to make sure we're on the same page. I think it's all about having clear expectations when dating.
karmagini

@THATgyrl:
Maybe we knew each other in a past life, lol. I didn't think it was what you wanted... but don't give up or become the cat lady! I mean, in a sense, you probably should let go of dude, and let the universe handle the rest. If you're like me, it's hard as hell to give up control. It felt liberating to do it though, and even better that things ended in each our favors and continue to grow better.

@Elle:
So true... we make time for what we really want to. Sometimes him & I only see each other for a litle bit or a bite to eat when he has a hectic week, but the fact he's making an effort to do so... means A LOT.

@Rastaman:
I feel you... kinda. I totally agree that we expect our men to do too much with us, I for one certainly wouldn't subject mine to shopping. It never fails I see some miserable man with his wife when I shop, lol.

And I love that my man is so driven and determined. Sometimes his type-A personality gets to me, but it's who he is, and if I want to be with him I cannot change that. We both balance each other nicely in those respects though, since I'm more laidback usually.

BUT I don't think labeling a man emotionally unavailable is a gimmick. There are truly men out there who are this way, and not because of their jobs, because they've chose to be so. And I'm working my way out of this baggage myself too.
Jessica J

Naked....to be honest.....love makes you make time when it's time. (If you know what I mean). I say don't worry too much about it. A man can be in love all he want but if he can't provide stability and safety for his family, then he'll lose his pride, his dignity and begin to hate himself. I agree with you on working towards your future. Only thing is....What if stable for you takes forever? If you had a woman, what would be stable for her? You might never be satisfied. She might not want that much. Till you meet her, I say keep pressing on and when you do meet, ya'll can both work towards a future thats reachable, where both parties are happy. Congratulations to whoever's the future Mrs. Socks. She'll a lucky girl!
mya

(sigh)... the man that has my heart is exactly like u, sadly and unfortunately...torture for me. 3yrs and counting...idk how to let go. HE IS SUCH A GOOD MAN and i have never met a man i felt could handle me on so many levels but he has so much emotional baggage that i seriously think he uses work as an excuse. ive tried to walk away too many times but i feel he doesnt want me to go. but the event worst part is... I BELIEVE I AM EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE TOO and i will admit its on purpose... ugh!
http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

I think it is all about choices. I am busy because this is how I want to be. I am not avoiding people and I am def not afraid of being involved. But I LOVE doing what I do. It is almost like I am married to it. When you have a passion and desire for something it is all you want to do.

It has nothing to do with avoiding anything. It is a choice. That is an unfair judgement.

What about the people who have a dream but put it on the backburner to pursue a relationship. Is it fair to say that they are avoiding their goals because they are afriad so they are using a relationship to avoid it.

Of course not. That is an unfair judgement as well. You put your time and energy into something that you want. If you are at a time in your life where you are more career oriented that is fine. If you are looking for love that is fine as well. It is all about your focus.

When I say I am busy I really am busy. I don't even have time to be bored because there is always something to do LOL

I don't think it is selfish to focus on you if that is what you want to do because it is your life. I see so many people stuck. Stuck in jobs for 40 plus years that they hate because they didn't go after their dreams. At 23, I observe that and I am trying to make a better futrue for myself to avoid that. I don't think that is selfish.

What is selfish is getting involved with someone when you are not ready because every person derseves to be their partner's number one priority. Until I am ready to take that step I am not going to invovle myself with someone on a serious note. I don't want to hurt anyone.
http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

One more thing. I live a life. I do have family and friends I talk to and spend time with particular my mother because she has MS and is in nursing home so she is a top priority. I have to go hard for her! When you grew up like me, never having enough, going to bed hungry, you will work you butt off to make sure you give your family and yourself a better life no matter what.

Everyday I have to see my mom in a state nursing home because I can't afford to give her the best care makes me want to go even harder. I could care less about a relationship because it is not going to feed my family.

That is what I mean by too busy. My career and my family has all my attention. I don't consider me not being in a relationship hindering my life right now.

I am only 23 so I have plenty of time to fall in love again.

I let relationships in the past hold me back because as I said earlier when I love I love hard and that person is my top priority. But if I am not ready to make that person a priority then it is selfish for me to get in a relationship.

It doesn't mean I don't enjoy my life if I don't go to club every weekend(I'm a homebody anyway LOL) If I feel the need to go out and have fun I will but what people don't understand is that I am happy doing what I am doing. My goals are my passion so I can do it for hours on end and get lost in it. I love it! It's a desire so strong that sometimes I forget to eat or sleep. LOL

It is almost like being in love with what you do. If I couldn't do it no more my heart would completely broken.
Ms P

Can one love an emotionally unavailable person? Yes, but the real question is WHY??? I could never love someone who is not available for me on all levels. I would not waste one precious second of my life on that person.

To ThatGyrl...yeah you already know. If you can push away gently, do so. If not...RUN! LOL. People find time for who & what they want to. That is just a fact.

Is it frustrating to be with someone who is hard to read? Yes & I don't do it. Play hard or go home. LOL. If you cannot be open to me then you are not for me. I no longer waste time trying to pull something out of someone. Actions speak louder than words. If your actions show me that you are into me CONSISTENTLY & I am feeling you the same way then it is a go. We can see what happens. If you are all over the place with your actions, I am out. I am too old to play guessing games. My current relationship blossomed so freely because he is so open. From day one I never had to guess where I stood with him. And he is long distance & a corporate executive. That man makes time/ finds time to see me, to call, text whatever it takes. I do the same for him. We are also both single parents. It is not easy but it is worth it. Play hard or go home.

There is nothing wrong with being driven. However, you have to learn how to prioritize if you want to try & have it all. If work is your primary focus, go at it. Don't string people along, or better yet just go somewhere & work!! LOL. Leave folks alone unless you find someone like you who is extra busy too. However, as you get older you will find your priorities change. Hopefully, you won't look around & time has passed you by. As I get older, and have been downsized more than once in corporate America, I see how important my career is. As I get older, and friends in their 20s,30s, & 40s die I realize how much time I missed with them. You don't expect to lose girlfriends in the prime of their life like I did last year. Time flies. As I get older I cherish my child, my elderly family members, my friends, etc much more. Time really does fly, so use it wisely. I don't waste my time, my heart, my thoughts on unworthy people or unworthy events. Sometimes we think we are young & have all the time in the world. Time flies. Use it wisely.
Ms P

@GinaMarie, our posts hit at the same time. I didn't want you to think my post was directed at you. You are a "baby" @ 23 so I could be your Momma based on age. LOL. When I read your last 2 posts you seem a little defensive so I didn't want you to think I was hitting your hand. Do you! We all have our views & lives so you aren't being judged. But please believe, time does fly so enjoy all that you makes you happy & fulfilled. Don't waste time on anyone or anything that does not give you joy.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@GinaMarie

You and I see eye to eye. Nuff said. LOL

Now let me dig into these other commenters...

Should be fun... (Insert sarcasm here).
http://nwso.net NWSO

@AnikeLove

Actually, yes I have considered talking to a shrink, not for this topic but more so for my issues with my father. But throughout my career, there have been gaps where I didn't have insurance (aka no funds to handle).

As for the second point, I feel like a lot of folks glazed over the part where I said that "In the past I’ve seen myself find time at the last minute for a sister I was really checking for." So it's clear to me at least that I do find women that inspire me to spend more time with them than the computer, so I don't think I'm a total lost cause.

And the point of coming across the woman that has that spark was also encompassing me realizing that, because if she didn't have the actual spark why would I make the time for someone that didn't do it for me? I made the statement to include both the spark and recognition.
http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

@Ms P oh no I'm sorry I don't mean to seem defensive LOL That wasn't my intention I just get so passionate LOL my bad hehe LOL

Your right no one should spend there time doing nothing that doesn't make them happy. And yes time flys so fast. I feel fulfilled right now. I know as I get older I will want to have a significant other but right now I'm cool LOL
http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

@NWSO LOL
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Elle (first comment)

good perspective.

What constitutes "too busy?" Well, as a long time reader I'm sure you've seen the rate that I crank out posts, the 90 blogs in 30 days marathon, the 60 blogs in 30 days, and the overall consistency and promotion I do for the site by myself. Add that with the 9-to-5 and swim class on the weekends and you wind up with five hours of sleep per night on average.

Of course, this is a schedule I've built for myself but I feel like I'm in a relationship with all of y'all readers and not meeting my goals will diminish our relationship. **Tear**

At the end of the day, I'm cognizant enough to know these are all just more excuses but the only way to truly regain time in my "too busy" schedule without forfeiting my ability to pay both my mortgages is to just stop doing NakedWithSocksOn. Pull the plug on the whole thing and use that big chunk of time for me as opposed to providing this service. I'm being over dramatic but truthfully without NWSO there'd be a heck of a lot more Ans to go around.

The problem with that option though is pretty close to what Gina Marie said then I would no longer be doing my passion. I love what I've built here and writing things that actually mean something so it would suck to have to let that go and I hope that the woman who loves me would not want me to give up my dreams, but be able to help me in terms of balancing.

I don't say all that to say I don't see what you're saying because I do, just adding my perspective, I mean excuses, into the mix.

This post is a just a train of thought of my fears/concerns but not a full representation of my every day. A lot of my days yes, but I work hard and play just a shard when I do actually play.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Sherell

Most def, I am a classic over-thinker. It's what makes me such a great writer, IMHO. I think things through and analyze, I love figuring out how things work and why. At the same point, I've turned that on myself with a post like this. I'll figure me out yet. lol
karmagini

I too am an overthinker with an active imagination, Ans, and also believe it helps my art. There's a yin & yang to everything.

I believe if a woman comes along that really wows you, you'll take that plunge based from the insight you've posted. And if she's ok with your schedule, yall should be able to find a balance.
Sherell

@NWSO

Great you are!!!!
QuoteMan

This strikes a chord but to a layman this may seem logically impossible, still and all, this has been the story of my life for the past 4 years. My mother once said to me

"after you are dead and gone New York City buildings will still be designed and built without you, son".

She is absolutely correct. However, here's the thing, in my field of business it's impossible to escape the demanding and the race against time nature that each project brings. It's a time consuming job.

Quite frankly, I don't know that many individuals that can say they love their job; either they tolerate it because the salary is great or it's just the right job for the moment, but I revel in what I do. I remember vividly one summer, I met this lady at the coffee shop and strangely she asked "do you like what you do?" Without hesitation I said no, I hate what my job entails but I love my job (confusing right?)

As a kid I always had a keen interest in buildings and its design; I can't recall when or how the infatuation began but I always did.

The truth be told, my job is dear to my heart though it consumes my entire day if not my entire life. Mentally, I don't believe you could truly escape it, it prey on the mind. Inadvertently, I've had numerous sprouting ideas come into full circle during off hours. It's hard to argue with anyone who might deem this "a low life" however, I refute such claims.
Though the gym has become my place of refuge after a long day of work,it has also make my schedule very tight; all these keep me away from my house from 7am-10pm, yup, that bad. As a result, everything in my life had to take the back seat. Although I do get to hang out on the weekends my life does trouble me at times. I'm apprehensive about my own future, most of my co workers are middle age men, married with no kids or if any, just one. They will be the first to admit they've strong and understanding wives at home who let them off the hook for their constant MIA; for lack of better phrase they're competent but horrible husbands/fathers.

This begs a bigger question, in today's day and age will I ever find any coherent woman who would tolerate this "mess" so to speak. LOL. Let's face it, the probability of finding that individual is very bleak.

In my heart of hearts, I know I'm emotionally available, I do have love and compassion but CASUAL DATING is all my life permits; truth of the matter is I don't see an end in sight. Puffy's "I need a girl" has become the soundtrack to my life

"... I got it all, but I really need a wife at home.... chicks that romance me don't tickle my fancy, Tiffany, Nancy, that's not where my plans be"

Need I say more, I need a tissue.

Over time, cumulatively, this will chip away at one's happiness. I know this but I can't help it

PS "a man is never successful til there's a wife to advise him" LOL
Anike Love

@NWSO, aww swim classes! That's so great lol.
lola289

*tears* I feel for u...

How sad... but in the end there are ways to find 'luv'...heard Match.com is AWESOME!
B4 you say WTF? Think about it ppl spending $ to find a partner? They aren't playing...

Seriously... there are alot of solutions for finding a date nowadays if ur really busy.

We put up so many walls and excuses but in the end you gotta make a damn choice...

if you really want a relationship... u gotta take the first step to find the right person.

me? I dont care right now Im too 'busy', but if you care then DTDT!
(Do The Damn Thang!)
Shannon

Do you think it’s possible to love someone that’s emotionally unavailable?

I believe loving someone who is emotionally unavailable is a waste of time; why love someone who is cavalier about it? All that usually ends up happening is someone gets hurt and someone defends their feelings/behavior.

Are you, or have you dated, someone that uses work (or some other time-consuming thing) as a crutch to avoid serious relationships?

I admit I do work a ton of hours and so do the men I date--they also travel a lot--especially during the end of the year. I don't think I do it to avoid relationships, seeing as I am seeking a long-term partner for a serious relationship, but some of the men I've dated in the past were absolute workaholics in the extreme; I mean they worked 18-hour days and slept long enough to get their second wind. One date even brought work with him to the restaurant. Some of those men were single and never married and "sacrificed romance in favor of financial security." Well, they achieved this and still weren't seeking a serious relationship, so I wonder if they really were avoiding it. A few did make time for me and a relationship, but things didn't work out.

How frustrating is it to deal with someone that’s hard to read?

I get that a lot from people; I wear this poker face and I never smile, even when I hear something funny. I can be furious but no one would ever know it. Some of the men I dated often told me I was hard to read and it left them frustrated. I've dated men who weren't all that hard to read, but I was equally frustrated with men who knew what they were feeling and what they wanted but were too chickenshit to tell me upfront. Dealing with someone that's hard to read is just another stressor, another factor that will only serve to raise blood pressure.

Do you think that people play too many games when it comes to dating?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. People play way too many games when it comes to dating, especially men. Now that doesn't mean to say women don't play games, but men are especially guilty of this; they don't want to admit that they don't want a future with this woman but they want to play house and enjoy all the fringe benefits and perks with none of the responsibilities and obligations--this is the primary reason I insist on waiting--and once they get what they want, even if they have to lie and scheme to get it, they walk and give no more thought to how their behavior affected someone else. Everybody is somebody's baby and just because they don't have intrinsic value to an SO doesn't mean they don't have value. They mean something to someone and everyone should treat others the way they themselves would want to be treated. That they don't is the crux of the problem.

Do you believe that busy people make time for things they really want to do?

I firmly believe you make time for the things you want to do; I wasn't going to the gym because I didn't want to work out anymore, but now that I want to work out, I make time to work out every single day, just like I make time for leisure and relationships. There's no point in making time for something you don't want to do and that's fine, but at least be honest about it and don't engage in self-deception or deceive others.

What do you think of my second self-analysis?

I think it is very telling. If you are willing to look at yourself objectively--very few people are willing to do this and even fewer actually do it--and acknowledge the poor part you played, that is the first step in confronting the problem. I wish more men were like you and were objective about their behavior; most men would immediately become defensive. You know, the best offense is defense, but while it is interesting, it's not helpful in solving the problem. Just a thought.
Amber

I am with @Elle on this post!!!

You make time for things that are important!!!!

@NWSO so you saying that you would rather be 60 and sitting in your old recliner talking to yourself about not forgetting our midnight post than spending with someone you've established a life with??? I really like your site and I don't want to seem too harsh but your priorities are a bit out of whack
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Amber

Of course not.

You're missing the other part of the post and what was written. Yes I'm "busy" and working towards a goal (or three) but I'm also reflecting on my life, constantly growing, have ALREADY made time for women in the past, and aware of my own flaws to know what to work on, and open to the idea of a woman with that spark. All that is there if you look at what was written, along with the discussion with Sandy and Courtney from a couple summers ago and idea of emotional unavailability and work crutches.

I'm sure if we all did our own self-analysis we'd discover old patters or even current patterns that weren't necessarily best or just work for now. But in the process of self-analysis is rediscovery and finding what works for yourself and what doesn't. I just happened to share my journey. This is one stop, but I haven't reached my destination yet.
Elle

I am aware that people are wired differently - in essence nothing I say would change anyone's mind on here. However, I really, I mean really do not understand the fascination with stability and reaching certain goals before doing XYZ.

Stability:
In this day and age there is no such thing. What you have today can be taken from you tomorrow. And then what? All these hours spent working yourself to exhaustion while you could have spent quality time with loved ones gone to waste.
Our parents and grandparents may have been able to live relatively stable lives if they only did it right. But nowadays getting a degree, getting a nice 6fig job, buying a home and such means nothing. Nothing. None of us will work for the same company 30+ years. Those times are over. And even our savings are not safe.
So what's left at the end of the day? Certainly not stability.
Especially employed folks who work their arses off are oftentimes "wasting" their energy because that company you work for - guess what - they don't give 2 squirts of piss about you and your hard work. If it's efficient for them to let you go, they will. No matter if you put in extra time and effort every day. The appreciation some people desire in the workplace is a utopian dream. The corporate world doesn't appreciate anyone at the end of the day. Everyone can get cut at every moment in time. Again I ask, which stability?

"I'll have to finish X before I worry about Y":
Love is the best motivator and energizer out there. Forget coffee, forget speed. True love will make you get up at 5 am to complete a project on time even if you partook in a nice session of lovemaking and didn't shut your eyes until 2 am.
I am saying all of this to point out that a good, even great relationship isn't a burden but a boost. Why can't you be in love and love your job at the same time? People do it all the time. What are you waiting for? Why do you have to reach certain goals before you feel you have the time and energy for a relationship? Personally, I think that's BS. People like this will never have the time because they constantly set out new goals. And what happens when they never reach that goal? Then what? Or what about when reaching those goals takes so much time that before they know it they are 50 years old and their leverage on the dating market has diminished?
Granted, being in a relationship/married shouldn't be people's main focus in life because it is - quite frankly - rather pathetic if this is all you have going for yourself.
However, I do believe that companionship and love are essential parts of life, parts we all desire deep down inside.
Whatever happened to multitasking? Back in our parents' generation people found a partner to (hopefully) spend their life with early on (in their 20s for the most part) and THEN they focused on building their dream. They didn't mind living in a ragedy apartment as long as they were together until one day they could afford that nice home they have been dreaming of and working for. Is that approach obsolete in 2010?
Personally, I rather build WITH someone than to build by myself then try to fit somebody into my life. Fitting someone into one's rigid structures is much harder I believe. Just think about it: both, the man and the woman have their own life set up in a way that it works for them, they both have that nice home, the 2 cars, whatever. Which one of them is going to be willing to give theirs up for the sake of a relationship and a joint home, a joint life? I'm going out on limb and say: none of them, or at least not without griping about leaving what they have worked for so hard behind. Problematic I'd say.

Again, I can only say: live a little. Maybe the superdriven-goal-obsessed-too-busy folks need to go through a dramatic and life changing experience to realize that all you have is the here and now. The things you put off for later may never take shape because you may never see "later". I once was that "When XYZ is in place, then I'll do ABC"- kind of person. Until the future was almost taken from me (dramatically speaking). After I asked myself: Elle, what the fuck are you always waiting for? There will never be the perfect timing to do this or that. Just frigging do it while you can.
Since then I am no longer holding out until ... I wear my "Sunday clothes" every day of the week, I travel whenever the mood strikes, I got the tattoo I always wanted but put off until..., I slowly but surely check off the things on my bucket list because who knows if I get hit by a bus tomorrow. And if I do I can at least die knowing that I lived the life that I wanted to live. Living every day as if it was your last certainly changes your perspective. It doesn't work for everyone but maybe it is worth giving it some thought at least.
THATgyrl

*GIVING ELLE A STANDING OVATION*

Say that!!! And say it AGAIN!!! Yessss.
scorpio temptress

@ Elle I sooooooo agree well stated Girl!!!!!! Bravo!!!
DC Man With a Plan

Dude, give yourself a break! All you need to know is you're NOT ready for a relationship that ends in marriage--period. As long as you find a like minded woman, you're golden, of course that is the TRICKY part, bcuz the right big butt and a smile can make you wanna ACT like (if only for a minute) that you in fact ARE ready for a long term relationship that can lead to marriage: but don't go there! Being too busy is not an excuse it's a declaration that YOU have other priorities that do not allow for a serious relationship at this point in time. Of course, we all want to have someone special to do things with and to get a lil azz from and what no, but THERE in lies the difficulty, incorporating dating that is meaningful, but that can't lead to marriage or a long term relationship into your life. Bcuz truth be told, MOST women ain't tryin to hear that...lol.....Don't let those female friends talk you off your game. How much can a woman EVER know about being a man or men in general? And vice versa. Dating men doesn't make any woman an expert on men any more than we can become experts on women, so don't listen to those ladies.......
THATgyrl

@DC:

What does 'ever knowing about being a man or men in general' have to do with anything? This subject isn't exclusive to men only. Not only that, but it boils down to one thing. Choice. You CHOOSE to not want a relationship for whatever reason it is you deem necessary. Just like you could CHOOSE to put some balance in there and have it all if you really wanted to. They key is what you want. If you aren't ready, you aren't. And like a few have said here, I respect someone who has enough sense to know what they do and do not want and at least put that out there instead of leading someone on. But if you wait around long enough, life just might pass you by, and your career or whatever else took top priority in your life for so many years isn't gonna keep you warm at night.... I'm just sayin.

I mean, hey, if you are completely fulfilled by what you do- and getting that 'random azz' here and there is all you really need, then there would be no room for discussion here....
shenice85

This is my self-analysis. I'm going through a similar situation. I'm dating someone right now who, I just found out, wants to be in a relationship with me. I've received that vibe from him for quite some time now. However, I'm not emotionally ready yet to be in a relationship with him bcuz, although he feels we have great chemistry, I on the other hand am attracted to him physically, but I'm mentally irritated with him.

We've had a great 1st date where I thought we could have something special, but after that the dates started going downhill & got to the point of being boring (to me). He calls me on the phone often & I'm getting sick of that too because he never has anything interesting to say. I'm not the "talking-on-the-telephone-all-the-time" kind of woman.

I have been busy alot lately dealing with grad school, work, church activities, running errands for family members, and now squeezing in time for him, that I barely have time for myself. I don't want to give him up bcuz he is a nice guy, but at the same time I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with him. My friends told me that I'm just making up excuses to get out of a relationship.

I came to admit that I'm afraid of being in another relationship bcuz I don't know how to properly act in one. I know I should be supportive, faithful, loving, caring, and trusting, but I know there is so much more to it than just that. I've been single for over a year & a half & I'm happy being single right now, getting to know & love myself more. In all my previous relationships I've been the victim (the one being cheated on & lied to), and I finally get the nice guy, but I'm afraid of being the criminal & actually breaking his heart. I don't know how to treat this man bcuz he is so sensitive & at times I have a brutal tongue esp. when I'm being honest. However, to protect his feelings, I haven't been completely honest with him about the way I feel, when I'm usually the most honest one. At times, I am quick-witted & i feel he is not mentally on my level. I admit I'm confused & truly does not know what to do. But I'm not rushing anything. Right now I'm going with the flow until we come to a waterfall (where I can't take it anymore).

Sorry this is long, but I had to get it off my chest.
DC Man With a Plan

Hey Thatgyrl, this is what gender has to do with MY response: The specific case study provided (to which my response applies..not sure if you were goin off on a tangent or some general public shyt) Ans discusses how TWO lady friends, Courtney and Sandra, told him he was unavailable--is that gender specific enuff for ya? So I told him THEY don't know JACK, or enuff about men to be talkin like they're authorities anymore than a man can REALLY describe and fully discuss what it's like to be a woman. Gender matters bcuz of societal expectations, clocks ticking and all that shyt that separrates man from woman. By what age will YOU ask a man to marry you? Exactly my point.
THATgyrl

@DC...

Slow ya roll babe...

I was with ya when you started off in your previous post and said: "All you need to know is you're NOT ready for a relationship that ends in Marriage-period." Yep, probably true. Ans himself said that at the moment his primary focus is his work because what he desires most is a solid future. What he didn't say anything about was societal expectations, clocks ticking & the like...and gender was irrelevant to the facts.

Lemme put this out there for ya right quick so you can absorb it: Yes, I agree that Men aren't experts on Women, just like Women are not experts on men... ok we got that out tha way...

Now- I doubt highly that Courtney and Sandra are just two random females. They appear to be friends, and as such, I would be willing to believe that Ans values their opinions or he wouldn't have cared what they had to say. They simply listened to the various scenarios in which he described with different relationship experiences and saw a pattern. To which he didn't fully disagree....and actually stated:

"I was told that if I really wanted a relationship or truly liked someone I would miraculously find the time."

"Well… Sandy and Courtney might be right."

"In the past I’ve seen myself find time at the last minute for a sister I was really checking for. But, if I was only mildly interested, or not really interested at all, my attitude was more like, “I’ll see you when my schedule permits.”

Men do that, Women do that. Its not gender specific. As I said, it boils down to (and sounds a bit confirmed with Ans' synopsis) whether you are interested enough to make time for someone in your life....

My response previous was to you saying "Of course, we all want to have someone special to do things with and to get a lil azz from and what not..." and also "Don't let those female friends talk you off your game" and "How much can a woman EVER know about being a man or men in general"

Sounding nothing like a 'tangent' or 'some general public shyt' as you put it.
lola289

Relax Shenice.... Breathe and take it slow.
Don't let him rush you into a relationship if your not ready.

Its not your fault. We all gotta learn relationship etiquette!
http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

"Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life." --Anonymous
shenice85

LMAO @ lola289. Ur right. I'm not going to rush it.
kaylah

I met a wonderful man and we hit it off so easy. From the time we met we were inseparable. Things were going well for a long time than all of a sudden he couldn't make time for me or our relationship. Not being one to tame my mouth or feelings, I expressed my feelings to him on several occasions but either he didn't care or felt like he couldn't do anything about it. I ended the relationship with him this pass weekend because I refused to sound like a broken record and continue to be in a relationship with someone who disconnected their emotional side from me. One thing I have learnt is you cannot change a person and if this is how it is right now, more than likely it will continue this way. One thing that I reminded him of is we make time for the things that are important in our lives. Unfortunately, I wasn't that important to him.
Sherel

@DC Man with a Plan

"incorporating dating that is meaningful, but that can’t lead to marriage or a long term relationship into your life"

I am curious can you define for me your definition of dating that is meaningful?
Sherel

@kaylah

How long were you and he together? Were you intimate?
bogart4017

As a man, i'm thinking if a man is telling you he hasnt time to talk to you for a minute just to say he was thinking about you then you are not a priority---his work is. He should say that and either ask you to wait for him get things straight or make an offer for you to make the decision to split. Its not fair to have people waiting around for you to pursue something that may not come to fruition.