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Should a Man Miss The Birth of His Child? (Deadbeat Dads)

Posted by NWSO • April 26, 2010 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I have a relationship question that I would kind of like a male’s POV on. My BF and I are expecting our first daughter together (our first child period) in two months. We live a few hours away from each other and I’m supposed to be moving down there in June after our daughter is born in May.

My problem is that he told me that instead of coming here twice, he’d rather just come in June to pick us up than coming when she’s born. His reason is that he doesn't want to miss out on any money from his "employment" and that he would rather just see her a month later when we move down there so that he would be able to provide for her. This really bothers me and is making me not want to move down there at all, because now I feel like if money is more important than being present to what’s in my opinion the most important moment is his daughter’s life than he shouldn't be in her life at all.

It's not like I need him to be able to provide anything for her, the only thing I ever asked of him was to be there and she’s not even born yet and he’s already showing me that he can't even do that. I think if his money is so important to him then that’s who he should be with, I don't appreciate him treating my daughter as if she’s a convenient store to come visit when he sees fit. I feel if I’m going to leave my familiarity, comfort, family, etc. then he should be willing to do more than come visit my daughter, his daughter, and he should defiantly be there when she’s born.

His fat ass was there when she was conceived and not only that I gave him the benefit of the doubt that I haven't seen him the whole time I was pregnant because of the distance. Since I was going to be moving out there anyway I told myself that it didn’t make a lot of sense for us to spend the money to keep visiting each other, but for him to say he doesn't want to come because he doesn't want to miss out on any money has turned me completely off to him and I haven’t spoken to him since then.

He doesn't even know what I'm mad about. I haven’t told him because I don't think that’s something I should have to tell him or anyone for that matter, I think any person with an ounce of common sense would just know that they are supposed to be there for the birth of their child. He has two other daughters that he was in the delivery room for with his other BM [baby mama]; why is my daughter not important enough for him to be there? I wouldn't care if I lived in China; I feel he should make a way to be there.

The reason I say he’s putting money over his daughter is because before this convo I asked him when I moved down there how often would we see him, (mind you he been trying get me to move down there for the last two years) and he tells me about three times a week because he wouldn’t want to be gone too often so that he won't miss out on money. I mean he is putting money over everything and I’m defiantly not appreciating it.

I have other children from a precious marriage that he has taken on like they were his and he done told them all how when we move he going to be there and all this other mess, but my question is how is he going to do that three times a week? Before this year this dude didn't have a dime to his name and I had no problem supporting him and paying his mortgage, bills etc. not because he asked me to because he never did, I loved him enough that I didn't like seeing him struggle. But now I'm wondering where is my love at.

I don't know if it’s just me and the females I know but us girls don't agree with the whole "I would rather make money than see my daughter being born so I can provide for you" BS. You being a guy maybe you have a different perspective. Does it matter if he witnessed the birth of his other daughters? Would you rather stay home and make money than being there for the birth of your child? To be honest our relationship and future is depending on this. I purposely did not pay my cell bill this month or respond to any of his emails because of his obvious money obsession.

Please help.

Dear Mother-To-Be,

Before I start, let me first congratulate you on your pregnancy and I pray you have a safe delivery.

Now, onto your question(s). I've got to say dude seems to have his priorities all out of whack. I'm an admitted workaholic and as a man I think about how I can be a provider to my future family; but at the expense of witnessing my own child's birth? On purpose? For work? Nah, that don't sit right with me.

I'm not a father and don't know what it's like to prepare for the birth of a child but I'd assume that parental instincts would kick in at some point and all that workaholic BS would go right out the window. I don't see any job, anyone, or anything, more important than being there for your child on his/her first day of life. Personally, I'd do anything within my power to be there even if I wasn't in a relationship with the mother anymore.

It's just what you do as a man. Anything less is uncivilized.

Part of me (a very small part) can see a possible rationale for his actions in that his idea of fatherhood seems to be focused on being a provider. With that said he's more concerned with the finances of caring for your child to be, along with his other kids, than the emotional support. He might be viewing working to pay the bills as the "right" thing to do.

While it's commendable (if that's the case) that he is trying to financially take care of his responsibilities, the birth of your child is not something to miss. A job will be there tomorrow, the money you didn't make that day can be made up in overtime, but there’s only one opportunity to see your child born. Besides I don't know what his job is and even if he had an a-hole boss that wouldn't give him the time off, but I'm sure there's someone he could trade shifts with. So again dude has his priorities screwed up.

Now, I have a few things in your letter that I wasn't clear on. How far apart do you guys live? Are we talking different states or just different cities? More importantly, are you guys officially in a relationship or just attached by circumstance? I ask because that info would help me access things a little better, especially in regards to you moving to where he lives to share a space together.

Whatever the case, things don't seem to be off to a good start. Being together for the sake of a child is honorable but if that produces an environment for the child where the parents are at each other's throat then the kid is probably better off with y'all separated. Parents can love their child equally while not being together, but clearly the distance between y'all is an issue. But if y'all aren't together or you don't see yourselves lasting long I'm not too big on the idea of uprooting yourself, looking for a new job, etc. just to be with a man that will be emotionally distant.

You have every right to be upset because this sounds like some straight BS. Dude needs to not just be there financially but physically and emotionally as well. And you need to really take a hard look at what you're going to do because moving is a big step, especially for someone that is already leaving you holding the bag on your own. He wants to come a month later to see his child (if at all) perhaps you need several extra months to gauge his true actions to see if it's even worth it to move. Because the way this sounds you may have to move twice to get back to your hometown in the event that this doesn't work out.

That's basically my perspective on this one. I wish you well and a safe delivery once again.

What do you think this woman should do? Does she have a right to be upset at her BF? Should the father always be at the hospital when his child is being delivered? Is distance or work a valid excuse for missing the delivery? Do you think she should still move to be closer to him? Does the fact he attended the deliveries of his other children make his excuse this time seem weak? Do you think this relationship will last? Would you rather a partner that was there financially or emotionally?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: baby daddy, baby mama, delivery, mother to be, move, pregnant

Ravena

Babymother? Two kids? Broke? Comfortable with a woman supporting him?

And now she wants to assess his character and decision making?

She's already made the biggest mistake she could've made with this dude by getting pregnant.

Yes a man should want to be there when his child is born, and good men usually are unless extreme circumstances prevent it.
Surprised

This whole letter is just...smh.

From supporting him and paying his bills "because she didn't want to see him struggle", to the other baby mamas, to his vague "employment" she mentions, to her refusal to pay her own cell phone bill as some sort of protest to him...I'm sorry but this is just too much going on. I think his presence at the child's birth is the least of her worries (although I DO think men should be present. My man doesn't have to be in the delivery room, but he should be very close by LOL).

I have to cosign with Ravena. It's a tad bit late to be asking these questions. This dude is a bum and procreating with him was probably not such a hot idea. Whatever happens, I hope the interests of the beautiful baby girl are put FIRST.
karmagini

I believe the Family Leave Act would protect him with his employment, should he decide to be there for the birth of his child.

But even if he does show up... you have a lot more to be concerned about than his pseudo-presence as a parent. There are many red flags here you should look at Mom To Be:

*The biggest one is this: You have set the foundation for him to not take responsibility & freeload off of you... even before the birth. You deserve to ask him for support before the child is born, yet you've further enabled him to not play his part by not asking for anything.

So of course he's gonna try to get away with as much as he can by not being a parent. His lack of concern for being at the birth is a HUGE indicator of this.... as is you paying for his bills when he didn't have a job.

*"Employment": does he not have a job? Is it a legal one? Do you think he's lying about working?

*He has other children who he's failing to be a responsible parent to. And I fail to see how he's taken on your children as his own when he can't even make it to your (presumed) pre-natal dr. visits or make the effort to be there for the birth.

*You guys live 2 hours away from each other, and you guys haven't seen each other since you've been pregnant (or learned of this)... so you could save money? Bottom line: a man who wants to be with you will make that effort. He's just not that into you.

It would strongly benefit you to take a hard & honest look at this relationship. All the things you're complaining about are things you've allowed, so you need to take responsibility for them too. You're allowing this man to dictate the relationship and have handed over your power to him. You deserve so much better than this.

A quality man does not have to be asked to be there for you or his child. He does it because he wants to.
Melody

oh god, I had to stop after the first 2 sentences! He is a loser, what man doesnt want to be there for the birth of the baby..just sad. I also glanced at the first 2 pple that responded, and Ima have to read the rest of her letter tomorrow bcuz I dont wanna go to bed angry..lol
http://assertivewitwithatouchofsarcasm.blogspot.com AssertiveWit

I always feel some kind of "embarrassment" for people who write in to bloggers/writers for suggestions with their lives. It exposes them to the scrutiny of others and reveals things about their relationship they SHOULD be "ashamed" of enough to not want broadcasted over the internet...but I guess it takes some kind of "bravery" to air your dirty laundry *shrug*

To answer the questions tho, yes, she does have a right to be upset because every father should make an effort to attend the birth of their child. While I can understand the need to be fiscally responsible, I'm sure his job would understand needing a couple days off to be w/her and the baby. He sounded like he had already PLANNED NOT TO BE THERE. All bad...

It does make him look bad that he was there for the other childrens delivery but maybe can't make this one. Sounds fishy...what should she do? Well, it isn't like he became this person overnight. I'm sure she saw SOMETHING that was an indicator that he might have some selfish tendencies. I think whatever decisions she makes, she should leave her personal feelings of abandonment out of it. While it can be viewed that he's "abandoning" his newborn, if he makes a consistent effort to see the baby in the future, she shouldn't stand in the way.

We're hearing her side of things so I'm sure he has a side too but from her side, it doesn't sound like they're going to make it in a relationship...not even up to delivery.

As for what I would prefer, I've always preferred someone who was mature in both areas enough to know when one should be put before the other. It is possible to have a financially responsible AND emotionally available significant other.
Lady Tigger

#1: we have establised ol' dude on some stupid stuff!!! i mean the delivery of a child...your child is the most rewarding and greatest expirence in anyones life male or female...

#2: as a psychology student...if he acting like this now then how is he going to act when the baby is born? three times a week he going to play good daddy to all the kids? i understand the need to want to provide but you are willing to not be there for the birth of your child? so how is he going to act when his daughter is pregnant and her baby daddy dont want to be there? or he says yea ima see you next month...
by the way: congrats on the baby!!! i hope a safe delivery and a wonderful life is in the near future for all involved...if you stay with this man though: weigh all the options and put your children 1st!!! men come and go!!!
SaveMe

If she has a bad feeling about him then she should not move in with him. She has to put her child first and him not wanting to be there for the birth of their child says alot.
Ms. K

That has to be the most dumbest question in America, why would you miss something that you created to bring in this world and i don't have any kids of my own but i think that every spouse should be there for the birth of their child
TinaRae

I agree with you he defintely has his priorities screwed whether its sub concious or concious is the question...does he believe the finances are that important that he will miss something so important or because he has other children he does not see it as such a big deal...

Sounds like a crazy situation and I wish her the best of luck but one thing I did notice she said was "Cause I don't need money just need him to be there" They are on two different pages you should want both and he should want to give both.
Malia

You get the most hot mess people asking for advice about some pretty unfix able situations.

Whether or not he is there for the birth is the least of her problems, but I'm sure, in her immaturity, it's the one she's most concerned about.

You're way too nice. They both are too immature to be parents.
Sj

This sound like an episode of true life where the girl was preggos and was going to move to the state where her child's father lived after the birth of the baby. Unfortunately like this reader the father was not there for the child's birth. She left her comfort (home and family) to be with the child father and suffered loneliness because she moved to a new place where she did not know anyone. When she expressed this to her bf he expressed that he had work (side eye). She understood he had to work but he was not being understanding toward da fact that she was locked up in a new place 24/7 with no one to talk to. In all they kept having arguments so she moved back home. I think the reader should really think about making that big move because if he is showing you his true colors now it unlikely he is going to act diff when you get there. Mayb you should ask yourself is this really the person I want to raise my daughter and show her how a man should treat her.
http://www.max-logic.com max

I was kinda on her side until this: "He doesn’t even know what I’m mad about. I haven’t told him because I don’t think that’s something I should have to tell him or anyone for that matter, I think any person with an ounce of common sense would just know that they are supposed to be there for the birth of their child."

That right there is childish.

These people are about to have a child together and rather than her voicing her concerns to him like a grown up, she's not paying her cell phone bill so he can't get a hold of her? That's ridiculous.

I'm not saying he's right for putting work before being at the birth of his child, but in my opinion both of these people have some prioritizing to do. She's putting righteous indignation over actually trying to find a solution that works and that to me is ridiculous.

My father wasn't there when I was born. He was at work. And there were a lot of big moments in my life that he wasn't there for because he was working. I'm sure he wasn't happy about it, but he was doing what he had to do to make sure his family was provided for. I never faulted him for it because I know my father loves me.
EmotionalFUnk

This just sounds stupid. He says he will be able to see his child if you move down there about 3 times a week and told your kids he will be there for them. That just sounds stupid as heck on her part. So she wants to move 2 hours away from where she is and uproot her current kids. So where is their dad is he there and are moving them further from their dad? And it sounds like your moving to be closer to him and not together. Why would you have been helping him and paying his mortgage, bills, etc. in the past? A man with kids and you where supporting him and you have your own. Don't be so desperate for a piece of a man it doesn't even sound/appear like you have a man sugar mama.
Elle

Outside of all the other BS that seems to be going on within their relationship I guess I am the oddball here but I don't see the issue of him not being there. If he is showing his love for her and the child by making sure he is the provider, then that shouldn't be frowned upon. Who is to judge and say that her or "our" understanding of how he should prove his love is right or better? Men tend to be wired completely differently. What's logical to them is outlandish to us.
Especially since she hasn't talked to him about her concerns I feel like taking up for him. Essentially, she hasn't asked him to explain his motives and his logic behind his behaviour. Maybe he wouldn't seem as much of an idiot to her if she tried to understand where he is coming from. But closed mouths don't get fed and we all know what "assume" makes of us ...

On another note:
What would he be doing there anyways other than look stupid and probably get on her nerves? IMHO women are better off with mothers, grandmothers, friends to support them during delivery. In other words: women who have given birth before.
Men are just in the way. Plus they don't really want to see that mess anyways. It's just the post-feminism societal pressure that forces them to go. Of course not all men. Some truly don't mind and want to be there. But studies show that most men are traumatized by what they see during the delivery of their children. Some don't even want to ever have sex with their wife again because they are so repulsed. Of course they would never admit that in public or in the presence of women. But in an anonymous study they did.
And I am sorry, I wouldn't want my man to see me like that either. Heck, I'm trying to get laid even when I am a mom
BMW2K

@ Max: Ditto

@ Mother-To-Be: I really think all the signs have been there from the beginning. This was just the boom that made you open your eyes.

I will say this though, only YOU know what is really going on. Go with your gut and do what is right for you and your children. Sometimes we end up working 10x harder just to be miserable. Children are better off with one happy parent than two miserable ones. Peace and Blessings . . .
Alovelydai

Is he on commission or on the corner? Otherwise, he needs to take some time off.
MultipleHeart

Ok, so the woman already has other children and has another on the way and she is refusing to pay her CELL BILL so he won't be able to contact her?

Why??? In the hopes that he is going to come running to make sure her and the baby are ok?

Before she moves down to wherever he is I think she needs to sit down and TALK to him and explain why it is important for her to have him at the delivery and hash out any other issues that are in the back of her mind.

Childish antics is not going to solve anything.

And please pay ur damn cell bill before you go to labor on the side of the road...smh
I wish her a safe and healthy delivery.
Nina

This woman already seems filled with hurt and regret, so I'm going to try not to say anything to further hurt her feelings. I've seen many friends go through pregnancy alone and I think it is just awful to not feel like you have at least the emotional support of an invested father. I've also seen friends who aren't with their "baby mamas" anymore be incredibly supportive and great dads (and they usually have less drama, too). Him, not wanting to be there, whatever the reason, does nothing for her and her needs.

As for advice...if she's are only moving for him and not because she has post-maternity leave employment lined up, just DON'T GO! Better to have conversations with your children now, than to have to uproot your family later. He is your child's father and if he chooses he can change and become a great dad for your little girl. Relocating is huge and incredibly stressful on your own much less with a family and if he isn't supporting you now in the way that you need and deserve you might just need to work on co-parenting and put the breaks on your relationship.
http://keepittrill.blogspot.com/ Kit (Keep It Trill)

Oh, I dunno. I can see where a man seeing his woman give birth could put a dent in a guy's sexual feelings for her. It's not a pretty sight unless your mind is such that "bringing new life into the world" is thrilling", and they don't mind the sight of blood.

Some people - men and women - get queasy just watching their dog go into labor.

None of this is for the faint of heart.
Sherell

There is so much more going on here then a guy not wanting to be their at the birth of his child. If that were the only issue, it wouldn't necessarily be a problem. There is the not seeing her since she has been pregnant, her supporting him , the three times a week mess, her setting her kids up , her not expecting him to provide for the daughter, lack of communication and more.

He is full of excuses and no way would I uproot myself and my kids for this!!!!!!
Rastaman

I am going to have to chime in that whether or not baby daddy is present at the birth of her baby is the least of her problems. I am going to assume that this is the issue she is choosing to highlight as the point of her concern because its the one that puts her in the most favorable light and him most unfavorable.

Afterall how many folks are going to be unsympathetic to a expectant mother?
Call me a cynic but I am skeptical of the whole tone of this letter. Because it appears moms to be was ok with all the inconsistencies in the relationship up to now but expects her man to somehow rise above himself and be someone else just because they are having another baby.

The are both parents already of 2 kids a piece. All the things she is looking for should have already been present before the decision was made to add a 5th. Yeah I know hindsight is 20/20 but addressing issues before the commitment no matter how hard is going to be way better than complaining after. Additionally, if home boy is really about trying to getting his money, I can't knock him because based on her own words he will now be responsible for 5 kids. He is a much better man than me if he is doing that because I am damn sure not going to be taking on that kind of responsibility and I pay my own bills.
Malia

@Elle,

He could be there but not look below the waist, stay above, hold her hand, assist, etc.. I get what you're saying though, but it seems like she wants him to be there for her because she was there for "the other one" who had children also. It's more of a childish competition with the other mother, which she probably will do all throughout her dealings with him.
lawchick12

Clearly this chick is a bad judge of character. I feel for her, but the baby daddy is not right for not being there for the birth of the child. Work, unless you are deployed overseas or on a secret mission somewhere, is not an excuse to not be there for your child on their first day on earth. Regardless of his relationship and/or feelings about the baby's moms. Thankfully I don't have kids yet, but I'm starting to think there needs to be a Carfax type report for humans. Something like, this fool will not be there for you or any potential kids or something!
http://www.twitter.com/duepayer duepayer

I agree with Rastaman and a few others that something seems amiss in this letter. I don't like to judge without hearing both sides of the story. However, whatever the case may be, I can't find any reason to support a man who purposely isn't there for the birth of his child beyond him having a warrant out for his arrest or some crazy mess like that. At the end of the day you have your whole life to provide for your child but you'll NEVER get that moment back. As a man I understand that its important to be able to provide for your fam but you've already let your woman go through the entire pregnancy alone, the least you can do is be there for the birth of your child.

As for her, I agree with others that she enabled him and should have been much more demanding from the start. Its one thing to support someone and another to hurt yourself doing so. I also think that she'd being incredibly childish in the way she's handling this. What's more important, proving a point or finding a solution. She needs to stay where she's at so that she and that baby have a good support system b/c based on her portrayal, her man's commitment is questionable at best.
No No

Agree with most of the comments on here.

On another note-- THAT PICTURE OF A MAN IN THE DELIVERY ROOM IS DISTURBING LMAO!!

THANK GOD MEN CAN'T DELIVER. YA'll SCARE THE POOR BABY. MAKE EM' WANT TO GO BACK IN WITH THE SIGHT OF MOST OF YALL. EWW
Shequita

The ship sank before it even left the dock.
The Duchess

Morning & Afternoon All

Few questions:

Why would you pay a man's mortgage when you weren't living in the house?

How long were the two of you together?

How old are you?

What kind of relationship did the two of you have before getting pregnant?

Will the two of you live together once you move? If so, how is he only going to see his child 3 times a week?

Is he a married man?
MultipleHeart

@ The Duchess- GREAT questions.
QuoteMan

In truth, some of y'all need to tone down the criticism; for crying out loud, we're dealing with a pregnant lady here.

You would've thought women of all people would understand this.

Yes, we can give an efficient advice without making her feel like she's ass out, especially at this vulnerable time.

I'm just saying....
MultipleHeart

@ QuoteMan, while criticism shouldn't be harsh to the point of making her feel like an ass she did put her self out there knowing that she would be hearing someone else's opinion.

And I think in this stage of the relationship some tough words are needed in order for her to make the best decision possible.

I think somewhere in the back of her mind she might have already said to herself much of what has been written. Sometimes it takes hearing it from a third party (or in the case about 10 + parties) to have it sink in.

I'm just saying...
Shequita

@multipleheart

Very True!

@ topic

umm if you all are together...what man you know, who HAS a woman.....stays celibate for 9 months????????? A single man...yes...a man in the military...yes. But a man who HAS a woman...for 9 months???
The Duchess

Quote- She is a GROWN woman who was married & reared 2 children, is currently with child & wrote into a blog about her situation. What are we REALLY supposed to say to her that she doesn't already know, harsh or not??

Multiple-

Shequita- EXACTLY!!!
RamLady

No, I think thats whats wrong with men today...because they don't see the miracle of birth of thier child...they dont takle the concept of what the mother went through and therefore not get the concept that children are not just bodies being pushed out...they bodies with beautiful and innocent spirits ready to be shaped for the world...and they dont get that father daughter or father son bond for the first time....its traggic really.
Sherell

@QuoteMan p
Pregnancy is not an illness! I understand it because I am a Mom. Been there done that! Unless you are having some complications you are not fragile or vulnerable.

And if she is bring in another child in this world without a supporting father( looks that way/time will tell) she better get tough!!!
DawnsLight

@ the Duchess I was thinkin the some question n my head...LOL
@QuotaMan she asked, So y lay 2 her

But it is alot in this letter that is not sittin well wit me. I don't have any childen but I would believe the right thing 2 do, is be there for the one that is carrying your child, no one wants 2 feel alone n a time like that if u 2 r still together or not. But in her case she signed up 4 it, I don't no how close of a relastonship they had b4, but it clear 2 me that she don't know him that well. Payin his bill..girl thats not a good look! And if he's wasn't that worry about his money when u was holding him down, what's he all up n arms about gettin this money now? Or is it really all the back child support and Uncle Sam he's gettin that money 4?
She had other responsblity her kids should come first. Not a man who wants her 2 hop 2 a diffenrent city 2 be wit him that can only spend 3 time a week wit her. And who 2 say if he will even b there then.
I hope she open her eye, cuz all the signs r right n front of her face...U can't have a baby 2 just anyone cuz some man/woman just don't wanna grow up.
rhythmiclioness

I think in situations like this people fail to see how much gender roles play into situations like this. Keep in mind what women are stereotyped to do - be the nurturer and caregiver. And men - be the provider. Now I am going to play devil's advocate and throw some things out there - Now whether she has realized it or not, she has already challenged his manhood (unknowlingly) by admitting to paying the bills and providing for him. Now for some men, they are lazy and want to run game and want a woman to take care of them. For others, they may take the whole provider thing to heart and define their whole stature based on what's in their wallet. If he's shown that he hasn't done well in the "provider" area, he may find that dealing with the stress he is taking on now may be throwing his priorities out of wack. But when it comes to the scrutiny of what's more important, spending time with the child or providing for the child, parents, especially single parents will always have that pressure, especially from people who don't have kids. Now I am not excusing his sorry "arse" excuse for not wanting to be there for the birht of his child but also keep in mind there are some alternatives that could play out here:

1) He could be freaking out over the fact that he hasn't provided in the past and in a few months he going to have you, a new baby and another child(ren) living with him. Can't deny that might put some pressure on a brotha to actually step up and be the man he knows she want him to be.
2) On the flip side he could be selfish and could be just showing early signs of what's to come.

The question is what is she willing to tolerate, compromise and/or put up with in this relationship. Because that should determine if it is worth moving there in the first place.

Now women may find this hard to believe especially coming from a woman but some men really don't feel that being in a delivery room is important, and I will tell you why. For SOME men, the emotional attachment to a child doesn't begin until the child is physically there, where as women have already formed a connection to some extent because we are the carrier. It starts from the second we know we are pregnant, we are forced to change our lifestyle habits and consider someone else's life before our own. In this sistah's case, the relationship is long distance, which tells me he probably hasn't been to too many doctors appointments, done the late night grocery run because she had a craving, gone to a lamas class, or just seeing her as her belly gets bigger. These are all the things that make a child in the womb more realistic, but since he is missing out on all these things, his focus is on other things (primarily - making money) and may have determined that his shift in focus will not begin until she is PHYSICALLY there. It may sound f#$%$ up but it is really simple male logic.

Now here is where I feel the need to slap the sistah's hand because she is fault in one area where I wish some women would realize this is one thing you can not change about a man (or woman for that matter - but men especially). MEN DO NOT READ MINDS. Women stop thinking that because you clam up, limit communication, or have an evil scowl on your face that a man is going become clarovoyant, read your mind and know exactly what is bothering you. You have to do something that is crucial in ALL relationship - yes the C word - C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E. Let him know exactly what is troubling you but without the anger, frustration or nagging. She NEEDS to talk to him, be direct, be concerned, think about what she is going to say to the point where she can clearly express her feelings and emotions and let him know this is something that is making her question everything else. Most importantly she needs to be prepared in knowing that no matter what she says or how she says it, she may still not get what she want. You can only control your actions, not the actions of others so she needs to control what she wants to do in the case he isn't at the delivery and if is this along with all his other qualities and characteristics is a deal breaker for her. If they are both in it for real then hopefully a resolution can be worked out, if not then she, in my little opition, truly, 100% has a right to be pissed because then she can honestly say she has clear knowledge and assessment what he values and what he doesn't.

All in all, I wish nothing but the best for the sistah and hope that everything works out in the best interest of her and the child's health and welfare. Truly peace and blessings SIS if you are reading this....
MultipleHeart

Granted maybe he doesn't want to be in the delivery room but she wrote that he wanted to see the baby a MONTH after it was born when they moved to wherever he is...not that he was going to come and HELP her move, that when she gets there he will then see the baby (that is how I read it) What father waits a month to see their child...one that really isn't interested in my opinion.

Fine don't be in the delivery room, but can he maybe be in a 5 mile radius...is that really asking too much?

He has had 9 months to prepare for this day. Nine months to see about getting overtime, saving (since he wasn't spending any money to come see her during the pregnancy). This day isn't something that just popped up.
The Duchess

Mom to be for the 3rd time.. Are you reading this? If so, can you respond or did u just expect Anslem to read & respond to your email in private?
paulette_bajan_gal

@Elle...sorry lady...if a man can look at my vagina and lick it he can watch our child push out of it.Any man that can't stomach that is a wuss and a wimp.My ex-husband was there for the birth of our daughter and wanted to be there.What kinda wimps are y'all dating?

Who doesn't want to fuck the mother of his child/children cause he saw her give birth?So retarded.Seriously.

Not sure why this lady expects dude to step up when he's been a deadbeat thru the "2 years he's been trying to get her to move".He had no problem getting the sex from her when he needed it.He should have no problem getting to the delivery room.Women give men the option to choose and then complain when it's not what she wanted.If you have unprotected sex with a loser you will have a child with a loser.
The Duchess

Rythm- Did you read that this is going to be his 3rd child? This isn't anything new to him..
Also, there is NO way that he is planning on moving them in with him cause dude said that he will try to see his child 3 tiimes a week.. If they were going to be living together, I would assume he would be home every night unless he is married & lives elsewhere.

I don't know which one of them came up with the idea to not see one another for 9 whole months of her pregnancy for the sole purpose of saving money but I think that was a bit suspect. I would rather my man spend time with me while I am pregnant than when I give birth(if I had t choose) but for him to be absent during the pregnancy, birth & a month into the new borns life is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable!
Peach with a Twist

Lose him! There's a issue bigger than him not wanting to be there for the birth of the baby.

Foremost, he hasn't visited you at all during your entire pregnancy??! WTH??

You've been paying his mortgage, bills, etc??? WTH times 2!

He's barely making it now with 2 kids and you're bringing another one ino the world?

Money is only his excuse.
I'm curious as to the age of this writer and does the writer live in another state or city from her bf?

It really sounds as if you both have issues and my prayers are for the safe delivery of this child and the future upbringing of this child. smh.

I feel very strongly about people bringing children into 'unforunate situations'.

These questions that she has about her bf should have been addressed before a child was conceived. Are they even in a relationship? When she moves to his town, it doesn't sound like she was going to move in with him.
BADbrownbunny

I feel so soooorrrry for you girl.

These comments are a bit harsh, don't stress n have a sick baby.

Take it one day at a time. Stop paying that damn mans bill too.

He is a man he is supposed to be providing for your baby. You didn't birth him.

Just love your kids. They will love you too. Support them.
QuoteMan

Sorry for the delay in my responds, I've a pain in the ass for a boss. Smdh

@multipleHeart, The Duchess

Pretty much, we're on the same page;I'm not knocking the criticism. All I'm saying is just enough to light a fire up her ass but not too harsh to make her feel like she's ass out.

@Sherell

If a pregnant woman is neither fragile nor vulnerable then I was bamboozled 6yrs ago. LOL. But hey what do I know....

BTW ladies, is it safe to say a dude has earned his stripes
If he was there for all the prenatal screenings, appointments and all that jazz and asked to be excused from the delivery room?

Call me a punk ass, a wimp or what have you, my ass was not entering that room.'Less you've an extra bed to resuscitate a grown ass man on, give me a break.
Amber

I agree with @Ravena and great questions @the duchess and @multipleheart!!!

smh...there are too many things in this letter that sound suspect
MultipleHeart

@BADbrownbunny, the comments are harsh but her calling him a "Fat Ass" to strangers isn't?

One thing I think she wanted was some validation on her anger...and I think she got that.
da ThRONe(from L.A.)

I would just like to say that you should never assume in a relationship. If something is important to you say so. No matter how much it seems like common sense to you. Relationships are about communication. You must speak your peace.

The lack of communication is probably the second thing that kills relationships. Selfishness being the first.

While it may seem like common sense for most of us to be there for the birth of a child this is a fraction of being a parent. And just because most of us put a lot stock into it doesnt mean everybody does.
karmagini

@Duchess:

Great questions, but truly, most of us already know the answers to them, based on what she posted. The problem is that I don't think she knows the answers to them... or maybe she does, but is in denial.

Because it's obvious just from the bit she's said about her actions and his, that this is not a healthy relationship & wasn't before the pregnancy. She even stated why she paid his bills: "I loved him enough that I didn’t like seeing him struggle." That's part of the savior/codependency/manipulation/control mentality.

As for why she's just now seeing how he is? Doesn't matter really, and it's not cool to attack her for it. We all know ignorance is bliss, and eventually we get to a point everything has fed us up in an unhealthy relationship. It sounds like she's at her breaking point.

I sure hope you go with your gut on this. You stated a lot of things that don't sit well in your relationship, and I'm sure there's more (is he with someone else???). I imagine you have some healing to do in yourself before you can find and foster a healthy relationship. Please do this for the sake of yourself and your soon to be born child and your children.
thatBronxGuhrl

Seriously??? I think the female brought this on herself. She did not let the man be a man and therefore, he is not going to be one. Further his "employment" sounds like a hustle, from the way you placed it inquotes. Finally, females need to take responsibility for the choices they make....You made a child with a man who already had children....was he taking care of them? that right there is telling. how females produce children with men who aren't doing anything for the children they already have is beyond me...Let's not pussyfoot around the issues here.....This female knows EXACTLY what's going on....she chose to ignore the real....You made this bed....enjoy it's {un}comfortability as best you can....Ultimately you had the choice of getting pregnant or not....it doesn't sound like this dude was very responsibility or interested in your well-being prior to him giving you his seed....Why do I say this??? What self-respecting man would let a woman pay HIS bills, especially when SHE has children of her own already......He pimped hard, shawty.....he pimped REAL HARD....
da ThRONe(from L.A.)

Why isnt it ok for a male to recieve help but it's perfectly ok for a female to get the same help?

I have no problem with her helping dude out. And that clearly isnt the problem here. He is trying to support her and the baby and is inviting them into his life. Now I dont know enough details to comment too much ,but the biggest problem here seems to be his "working" habits.
BangShang

Yes and Yes! he should be there to see the baby born. Pimpin ain't easy but "baby daddy" fo'sho pimpin her. I am smh.... sounds like she needs counseling...
da ThRONe(from L.A.)

Its amazing how many conclusions people draw when they read stuff. Where does it say that dude dont take care of his other kids?
The Duchess

LOL @ Throne.. ASSuming maybe..
MsPrincessKey

It's commendable to try to make it more convenient for him to see his child but it's really not for you to out stretch yourself to help him see his child. I personally don't like two things about this situation. The first being you moving away from all things familiar to you to be with someone you are not married or intending to marry either. The second being you seem to be dating a person that is a little immature in his actions.

My serious advice is for you to do what is best for you and this baby. All things considered you need to be prepared to handle this alone and that's not to say he won't be there but it's the reality of the situation and the day and time we live in today.

P.S. Please wrap it up until you get married so that you don't bring another child into this world without being married.
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com Tiffany

This dude is crazy if he is not there. That'll be one thing I would never be able to forgive. Now I kicked my BF out of the room when I had one first child because he was still arguing with me about what to name him when I was having contractions, so he had to go. He peeked behind the curtain but couldn't see much. WHen we had our second he arrived when they were sending me home. Then all of sudden while I was resting our youngest decided to come, so dad got to see everything and more in a hurry without an epi, gloves or gowns. He said it was the most incredible thing he had ever seen and was amazed that I could do that, especially without drugs. I think her guy will regret it they I doubt this will be his only child. And when she said she hasn't hardly seen him while she hasbeen preggers. WT is that all about. I hope everything works out for her and her baby.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
KayBee

This is just straight foolishness! I think that the two of you are way too childish to even be having kids....what are ya'll 18 years old?!?! You basically went through your whole pregnancy alone...why do you think it would be any different in the delivery room? And why wait until the end of the pregnancy to start addressing concerns? I'll be DAMNED if I'm pregnant and my damn BD doesn't have a job and I'm sending him money. THE HELL!!!!!!! This is just too much!!! You need to get your priorities straight and figure out if this fool is worth it, because by the sound of it....he ain't. But everyone is just telling you something you already know anyway. So take your first step as a mother: do some growing up and evaluate what is most important for your child.
Silly

Two Hour away! That's like going to the Super Market or Mall. You have kids ...Why did you want more by this man?
laylah

I think the man should be there, HOWEVER...

i talked with my boyfriend about this and he was telling me that the phenomenon of a man witnessing the birth of his child is a new one. Back in the day, it was a womans thing, in that the woman and her friends used to go out by themselves to wherever, give birth and come back with the baby so that the man wouldn't have to see it.

He was also telling me that witnessing a childs birth is almost traumatizing and kinda turns the man off, almost- he's not speaking about himself- but from the experiences of friends.

But all of that is just commentary- its 2010, the man should be there.
Sunset

I agree with @laylah, having men present at birth is a new phenomenon. I don't think it's necessary for the man to be in the delivery room. Nonetheless, he should at least want to see his child right after she's born.

I agree with those who said that something seems to be amiss. Frankly, there are probably many underlying issues here that we are unaware of, and there are some issues which she has laid out for us unwittingly, specifically the two-hour "distance" between them, a serious lack of communication, and the fact that he hasn't seen her since she got pregnant.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like, now that she's pregnant, he doesn't want much to do with her. They both need to do some serious self-reflection, and put what's best for ALL of their children first. That includes financial and emotional support.
mother2be

I'm sorry for my late response, I actually wrote that to Ans a few months ago and definantly was not expecting him to post on a blog on it. WOW!! But I'm not that fragile and can handle the comments. I will respond as best I can for anyone that is still reading this. But first thanks for all the input-- to answer the questions of:

@ The Duchess-- as I said I paid his mortgage because I didn't like to see him struggle, he was NOT comfortable with me paying anything for him, and as I said he never asked me for anything and would in fact turn me down several times when I offered to help him pay something that we both know he needed the money for. To be honest I pretty much forced him to allow me to help him, because I hated seeing him worried. He was employed and ended up losing legal job making $16 a hour when we first met he was more than capable of doing everything himself, he would come visit and pay for everything, everytime we went out he would cover everything, the first year of us being together he took care of everything and treated me and my children perfectly. anything they wanted he covered it, anything I wanted he covered it, so what kind of dedicated female would I have been to just let him fall into a whole, when I was fully capable of providing for him when if the roles were reversed he would do the same for me??

Me and him have been together going on 3 years. I am 27 and he is 29. To be honest our relationship wasn't going the best before I got pregnant and to be honest again I am responsible for that more so than not- from previous relationships that didn't end so well I started not trusting and believing men, they all seemed to be liars, users, cheaters etc. so because of our situation and distance, i never trusted him, was always accusing him of things, being mean to him pushing him away etc. I never fully showed him that I loved him because I was to scared to be that vulnerable with someone again after being hurt before, I didn't want to allow that to happen again. When I felt we was getting to close I would push him away or do something drastic to hurt him all on purpose because I had the mentality that I would hurt him before he hurt me, even tho he did everything in his power to show me he loved me and wasn't going to leave me I did everything in my power to show him the exact opposite, he took me acting like he was sh!t for over a year before he got fed up with it and was ready to leave me alone, but I kept making promises after promises on how I would change and show him that I loved him only to fail because I was still psychologically scared of being hurt, when I got pregnant I was actually visiting him as a last ditch effort to try and save our relationship.

I did not get pregnant on purpose, I was on the depo shot and neither one of us really wanted another child at the time and we exspecially wasnt ready to have one together. He wanted me to have an abortion, but I don't believe in abortion so here we are....

No, we wouldn't be living together when I move as others have said, I am only moving closer to him, but no we technically wouldn't be living together. and lol he is not married, to be honest he doesn't believe in marriage, he believes the same committment can be given without marriage and that marriage is just a peice of paper and something people do for the public etc.. something else we disagree on but thats a differant topic.

@ Quote man it's all good, I can handle it. I did put it all out there and I was looking for some advice and I can't say that Ans. didn't give it to me or make sure I didn't I have it, lol.

@ Shequita that may be true in some cases but all men are not the same. BUT honestly we haven't been together the whole time I have been pregnant and he told me he had sex with someone else, which I suppose I can be partly to blame for that. He's a pretty honest guy and if he was with someone else he would have told me, not that he would have had to because its not like i would ever find out about it if he didnt, but he believes in honesty. We got into an argument one day and I told him I was fn someone else anyway even tho I wasn't and he felt that in his words "why he gotta keep being a boyscout waiting for me when there is p#ssy all alround him that he can have, if I'm going to be FN other people" so he sexed someone else. Which I know he would have never done if I wasn't purposely trying to hurt him by telling him that I was having sex with someone else while I was carrying his child. Yea that was childesh and immature on my part, but how many people don't say stuff to hurt someone else when they mad, so don't get on me for that one yall, lol.

@ assertivewit you are somewhat right about people putting the BI out there like that but again I had no idea that it would be on the net as a blog topic, it doesn't bother me that it is, its not like any of you actually no who I am, or are going to see me on the street and be like aren't you the one that sent a question to naked with socks on looking for advice, you know?? I'm just a person on the computer telling about a situation looking for input, maybe thats why people do it because the can remain anon. and even if i wasn't on the comp it wouldn't really matter to me anyway, how many people don't need some type of help with a issue?? But I understand what you mean.

@ramlady I agree 100%. @dawnslight, I'm sure he will be there more than three times a week, I think or at least I'm hoping that he was just telling me that so that in case he wasn't there more often that I would be prepared for that. He was telling me that at least three days out of the week would be dedicated to me and our children. and as I said before he was always worried about money, he would tell me that being with me he didn't feel like a man because I was doing so much for him and he didn't like it, I think that kind of made him pull away from me actually, I know thats why him making sure he keeps getting paid is important to him now because he felt so little when he didn't have none. ever since he been back making money, he seems obsessed with it. I can't say that I blame him because he was beyong miserable and depressed when his paychecks stopped coming in and he was down for like a year with no job and trying to not do anything illegal and I didn't want him to be out there in the streets like that because to many of our men are lost to the streets. To answer your question he has custody of his daughters since they were young and has been a single father for a few years now, so no, he doesn't owe child support or uncle sam.

@ rhythmiclioness you are absolutely right, i figured that he should just know why i was upset and not talking to him but he had absolutely no idea and me not feeling like i should have to tell him is what led up to our big blow out with me telling him i was with someone else and him ending up sexing someone else because of that and if i would have just told him that I was bothered by that in the first place all of that could have been prevented. But my lack of maturity and stubborness didn't handle that situation well and you are right, he feels that his job is to make sure that we are all taken care of financially, because that is how his dad raised him. Now when we did actually get over all that hurt that we caused each other by this and talk he understood how I felt and told me he would make sure he made something happen to make sure he was here for her birth. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

@ multiplehearts you are right as well this definantly did not just pop up and he has known for nine months, I guess when i was writing this letter a few months back i was upset and blaming everuthing on him when I'm partly to blame too. he thought i was going to move down there in Febuary so that he would be able to attend appts with me and be there for her birth, he thought I was going to move down there because thats what I told him I was going to do so he was preparing for that, but I then changed my mind because I felt Feb. wasn't the best time for me and my children- I wanted to wait until after the baby was born because I do actually have a high risk pregnancy (my cervix is imcompetent and I have to have a cerclage just to keep the baby in and take weekly shots so I don't go into labor prematurely) I wanted to stay close to my Dr. that already knows my medical history as well as I didn't want to take my children out of school in the middle of the year so i decided to wait until June when school was over and the baby was born before I moved. I know if I was close to him that he would be at every appt. He has even tried to be to some of my appts. by webcam since he couldn't be there physically but I wasn't able to get online at my dr. office because they had a secured network or something like that.

@The Duchess I'm sorry as I stated earlier I had no idea he would actually post my letter on the site. It was actually my idea not to see each other when I wrote that I was six months pregnant and when we first found out I was pregnant I was there with him for a few weeks and because of several differant reasons I wasn't ready to face him and then when I found out he actually had sex with some one else I didn't want to see him because even tho we weren't together I couldn't imagine wanting to touch him or be around him or any of that, which I am still working through. he has offered to come down here many times only for me to give him some reason as of to why he shouldn't come. and to be honest I didn't really need him physically whil I have been pregnant, I needed him to be here emotionally and mentally more than anything. So I on the other hand prefer him to be present during her delivery than when I'm pregnant.

@ paulette_bajan_gal he hasn't really been a deadbeat, like I said he has custody of his two daughters and has always taken care of them and provided for them and until he fell off for a minute he took care of me and my children as well as well as would help everyone else out in his life, he takes care of grandmom and his father and his little sisters, so he is far from a deadbeat, he just had a little rough patch but now that he's out of it, it's like d@mn he wants to make sure that he is never in that position again, it's like his mind is on nothing but making money and taking care of his family financially again. At least I can say he feels good and isn't depressed and stuff anymore, he loves telling me how he bought his grandmom groceries or put his daughter in a $600.00 a month school etc. It's like now all of a sudden money is the highlight of his life.

@Peach with a Twist as i said before he hasn't visited me because that was what I wanted and yes I live in another state- we live 18 hours away from each other, I'm not exactly sure where some of yall was getting two hours but we live on the other side of the world from each other at the moment. and thank you so much for the well wishes of our daughter and yes the circumstances are definantly unfavorable i am trying to make the best of them and do whats best for all of us.

@ BADbrownbunny thank you for your comment that actually made me smile.

@ MultipleHeart lmao yea calling him a fat @ss was a bit harsh but a I said I did not know this was going to be on here like that and heck he aint no small dude, lol, but I like big men and you're right I wanted some validation I thought that was the dumbest thing I ever heard, "I would rather stay here and make money so i can take care of yall, and just see her in a few weeks when we move" yea I wanted some validation.

@ da ThRONe(from L.A.) thanks for your comments, I have always loved reading what you think on certain situations and you are right as well about me just assuming he should know. He really felt it was more important that he be able to take care of us than to actually be there, when I told him I felt he had valid points like for one we didn't technically know when she was going to arrive, what if he came down here for her birth when we thought she was going to come and then she not come for a few weeks or something like that and that after he was here he wouldn't want to leave until after she came. He was saying that if he spent all that time down just waiting on her to come and end up in the same situation he was in last year with no money that he wasn't going to be happy about not being able to take care of us when she was actually here and that he didn't want to have to depend on me or anyone else to take care of him again because he didn't feel like a man.

@ karmagini you are right we haven't had the most healthy relationship and i said before alot of that was due to my emotional and mental unstability ond fear of being hurt. I'm wondering is there something wrong with helping him pay his bills because after everything he had done for me and my children that I didn't want to see him hurt?? i don't really understand what that sentence means. No, he's not with anyone else that I know of but considering that we are 18 hours away from each other I can't be sure, but as I said before he is a very honest person and if he was with someone else he would tell me.

@ thatBronxGuhrl yes some of his employment is a hustle, he does have another legal job now, but when he's not working it he's pretty much hustlin, he's not selling anything illegal but he does stuff like by broke ps3's and xbox's and fix them up and sell them and by stuff on craigslist and ebay for cheap and fix it up and sells it, he has some type of booth he goes to every other day when he not working to sell the stuff at and makes up to 3- 500 a day when he's doing that. then he is also a ACE and fixes peoples car in the time he's not working or at his booth. For some reason you assumed he wasn't doing anything for the children he already has when he does everything in his power for his children, they live with him, he buys there clothes and does their hair and cooks the food and helps with homework, he is a wonderful father to his children and mine. I suck at math so when my kids need help with there math homework at 3:45 you can believe that when MY CHILDREN calls them he is going to answer the phone and spend an hour helping them solve every question they have for him. Now even tho we have our own issues and stuff i would never deny that I couldn't ask for these children to have a better father than him and as I said before he never asked me to do anything for him and definantly had a problem with it, but when two people are together I believe its a give and take situation, I had no problem helping out the man i loved and was with. I don't think that in a relationship a man is supposed to just provide for the woman, so if you were with a guy for 2 years that did everything for you, paid everything for you, took care of you and children that didnt even belong to you when he has children of his own, put up with countless sh!t from you because you were insecure hit a rock and needed your help that you wouldn't give it to them?? Maybe more than me need to have a look at themselves because if that the kind of female you are than thats f#cked up.

@ Silly, laylah and Sunset as I said I am not sure where some ended up with 2hours away, we live 18 hours apart and to be honest he has been the one keeping us together and trying to get me to move down there, now that he back financially stable he is the one paying my security deposit and rent for when I move down there. If we only lived 2 hours apart it would definantly be a problem if he I didn't see him the whole time and he wasn't there for the birth. and Laylah that is going to be my daughters name but spelt laila

@Malia thats exactly what I wanted for him to just be there, i don't know to many females that would not want the father of there child to be there, i don't want to be alone in the delivery room, looking like another single black female with no baby father around, its to many of those statistics already out, I don't want to be one of them and that may be childesh too, but I want him to be there. It has nothing to do with his daughters mother, that girl is rarely even in his life, My point of that sentence was why is our daughters birth not as important as the other two. The reason I put BM in that sentence is because I was referencing to the children he had with her. It aint like she would know whether or not he was there for my daughter birth or not. I admit I can be a little childesh at times but competing with his other BM is definantly not one of the things I would do.

@Rastaman if you read what i wrote so far than hopefully I already explained some of your comments, but I'm not going to lie to you, first of all I don't know where you have that we both have 2
kids a piece, because actually I have four children already from a previous marriage so he taking on the responsibility of 7 children now and you are right as i said I'm not going to lie if I was dude and some chick had four kids already I'm running for the d@mn hills!! Thats another reason why i found it so hard to trust him because what person in they right mind wants to be with someone that has four children already exspecially when they have two of they own they gotta take care of!!! But he takes care of each and every one of them and when he's here he spends time with each and every one of them and I swear you can not tell him that those are not his children!! When i asked him how and why he would want to do that he told me because he knew from the begin that I was a package deal and my children was part of the package and he said his father did it for him, his father is not his biological father and took on him and his sisters the same way he's doing mine, so....

@ Nina thank you for your advice that is how I was feeling when I wrote that letter, since then I realized I have to take accountability for my actions and not let pass relationships and problems that I was having get in the way. I see I must have painted him in a pretty bad light because alot of what I'm reading is soooo far from accurate about him. he is definantly not a bad guy and is a wonderful provider and father to all of our children. I can admit that he should have left me along time ago because of things that I have done to push him away, or to keep myself safe from another heartbreak, pregnant or not I can admit that I am far from an angel in all of this. Even tho he didn't want another child he is taking on the responsibility of having it and providing for it, he could have been like any other real dead beat out there and been like f me and the baby exspecially since we live in differant states, he could have abandoned me, but instead he's attempting to work and provide for us. As far as employment when I move as you can probably see money is not a problem for me, my father passed a few years back and left me a pretty decent amount of money and plus i have a paralegal degree and before I got pregnant was working at the public defenders office down here and can easily get a job doing paralegal work if I need so money isn't the issue, part of the reason why i didn't mind helping him out when he needed and why i said I didnt need his financial help, i only needed him to be here and he knows about my money situation and still had a problem with me helping him, he knew about it when we first met and still never allowed for me to pay for anything and I'm sure if he wouldnt have fell off I still wouldn't have been paying for anything, sooo..

@MultipleHeart, Alovelydai and BMW2K you're right that was pretty childesh not to pay the phone bill, i wanted him to know that i had a problem and instead of being a grown up and telling him i figured he should already know, bad move on my part. commission or on the corner that made me laugh, i think i answered about his employment already. and I so agree that we as people work on something thats not there so much just to still be miserable the end.

@Elle I kind of agree with the beginning of what you wrote- It's not really much he can do that someone else in my fam wouldn't be able to do, but it's like we are welcoming a new life in the world, one we created together our of love and maybe I'm a bit of a romantic and want happy endings or whatnot but I just want us to be able to share that moment together, i feel like our daughter is the start of our future together and want it to be on the right track. We have had so many ups and downs and back and forths and now that we seemed to finally have been going in the right direction I just want that one moment to be shared, thats why it pissed me off so much because it was like why couldn't he see that and now I know it was because he didn't look at as i did. he felt it best to feel like a man and take care of his family financially and me knowing that I'm already financially stable and don't need him to do that is what made it so mind boggeling to me.

@ EmotionalFUnk sugar mama thats a good one, lol. I answered the bill paying question and "supporting him" issue already. and believe me I am far from desperate for a piece of meet, I'm not claiming to be miss america or anything but if i want some meet you better believe i can get it and to be honest I'm not even a sex person, i don't believe in having sex outside of the relationship you are in. I think having sex with random people is like playing russion roulette you never know what someone is carrying and condoms can not protect you from everything and can even break putting you more at risk, before meeting him I hadn't had sex for a year and it took a long four months for him to get some and that by choice, I'm not risking my life for some 15 minutes of mediocre sex!! now thats another topic also, but to answer your question about my childrens biological father I'm not sure where he's at, we haven't seen him in 5 years since my youngest was 6 months old. my youngest two children have no idea who he is. so nope I wouldnt be taking them away from him because he walked out on us, talking about we had too many children and he wasn't ready to be a husband and a father. we did get married and had children pretty young, we had been together since HS and got married as soon as I graduated at 19. He ended up hanging with some dudes his age and I guess thought that life was better than the one he was living as a husband and father.

@ max thank you so much for your input. Just out of curiousity how did your father feel about not being there?? Did him and your mom have other children together that he was already present for their birth and just couldn't get to yours?? I ask because I was only looking at this from my POV and when I read your post, I'm wondering if it would effect him at all to not be there and maybe it was okay with your mom that he wasn't there if he already had children with her. This would be our first child together, I think maybe if we already had one together that he was there for then maybe it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to me. IDK.

@ Sj I am definantly going to have to look that episode up, I never watched true life before but i think I heard of it doesnt it come on MTV or something??
mother2be

@EVERYONE

Ok now I think I responded to everyone that I had a question or something and for an update since like I said I wrote the intial letter quite some time ago--- I did end up growing up and talking to HIM about how I was feeling instead of everyone else and when I explained to him why I didn't pay my phone bill and how I felt we had a long talk and he said if it was that important to me that he would make something happen to make sure he would be there. woooohooooo!!! Thanks for all the well wishes, our daughter will be born May 13th via c-section because her little butt is breach and the doc doesn't think she has enough room in there to turn, so now we even have a set day and he doesn't have to worry about being off for to long just waiting on her to come. He's going to come down the day before and stay. I am still going to move down there and June, and yes he is going to be the one doing the moving, I read a comment that said him seeing her when we move, No, he was and is going to come down here pack and load everything up and drive us to where we are going. The reason I am still moving despite our ups and downs is because I believe that I have to take chance a lot of our issues have been because of the distance and if we eliminate that we may be able to eliminate a lot of our problems. and people have to take a chance in life, we can't just sit around being scared to do every thing, if me and him end up not working than so be it, I at least I did what I thought I should. Would it be better to stay where I'm at in wonder, I mean if it doesn't work I can either always move back or stay there. I mean he lives in the tri-state area who wouldn't want to be near NY, NJ and Philly I'm sure he not the only man down there, if we don't make then at least I can say i took the chance. It may be stupid but I believe in love and despite everything we love each other we have had gone through soooooooo much with each other and we still have somehow remained together, still loving each other through the process, some things have to be fought for and worked on, not one relationship in this world is going to be perfect and people can risk losing a lot by throwing in the towel when things get a little rough, thats going to happen but love shouldn't let you give that up, true love works for and fights for each other and for the most part thats what me and him have pretty much did, yes he has qualities that I can't stand about him and I'm more than positive I have a few that he can't stand about me but we do let those qualities blind us from the person thats underneath those traits we can't stand, not if we love that person we don't. Like his love for money that really bothers me, but if I look it from his side he had to fight and work hard for money and to be able to provide for his family and feel like a man, sh!t I had parents that took care of me, he lived in a hood in philly, I lived in a suburb in wisconsin ou lifestyles growing up were completly differant so our beliefs as adults are going to be somewhat differant as well. I don't knock him for that, but I when I wrote that letter to Ans, I was really hurt that he told me that he would miss the birth of our daughter because he would rather financially support us when we got there which even tho I was hurt I understand thats how he was raised and all you guys are right if I would have told him how I felt instead of assuming he should know than I would have known that he would come if he knew how important that was to me. So anyway I am going to move and we are going to be together and I am going to give our relationship a chance the right way and if it doesn't work than I will be fine with that because I would know in my heart I did everything I could, but if I don't do everything i can now and put the red flag up early, I am cutting not only myself short but him and our children short as well. so wish me luck

sorry that was so long
MultipleHeart

@ Mother2be...first I am glad to hear from you I wish you, Laila, your other children, your semi- step children and your man the best.

You cleared up a lot of question and explained thngs better. Only you truly know, in ur heart what is right.

Congrats, again and the best of luck
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Mom2Be

Hey, sis, sorry for the "surprise" in seeing your letter as a post. Meant no harm. Just thought it was a great topic for discussion thought it was a given that the response could be used as a post at a latter point. Sorry I didn't make that clear.

I always make sure to respond to letter writers direct and offline to address their issue one on one, and if the discourse seems good for discussion I bring it to the forum for discussion afterwards. Clearly this was a good convo.

Sorry again for the surprise and I should have gave you the heads up. I ALWAYS remove names and emails etc so that anyone who writes in can be anonymous and just get additional feedback besides just mine.
mother2be

@ NWSO It's all good, I don't mind at all. Thank you so much for your help!! What do you think of my response??

@ MultipleHeart - thank you for your support!!
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Mother2be

Cool.

Which one? LOL. I'm still making my way through your novel. I'm in the middle of the book. Give me some time. Ha!
mother2be

@ NWSO lol hahahaha bighead!!! Everybody say that about my letters, texts, emails etc. lol. My guy told me he never reads anything I write thats more than four sentences because I'm always sending him novels when I can just call, lol.
ThatBronxGuhrl

LMAO! That is entirely too much 'splaining.....
bogart4017

I'd just like to say to the writer when she said that common sense dictates he be there for the birth of his daughter (i'm paraphrasing):
If sense were so common, everyone would have it and you would havae no problem.