Do You Want More Than Sex? (Grow Up, Grow Apart)
WORDS BY RASTAMAN
“I need a man who loves me unconditionally.”
Those were some of the last words we exchanged. The final nail in the coffin of a relationship I once thought was going to be “it.”
It’s been four years and I look back at that day as the turning point in my life. The day when fate smiled on me and made her dump me and reject my offer to renew our six-month marathon of hot sex.
The truth is, that’s all it was—sex.
For the first time in my life I was pleading with a woman to get back with her and the only thing we had in common was hot sex. Of course I didn’t know that in the moment, I just felt a loss. One that threw me in a funk for a few months, that made me re-examine my values and take a real painful look at what my life had become.
I ran into her about a year after those last few words were exchanged. She still looked good but seeing her again made me feel good, too. Because as low as I felt then, as much as I doubted myself in that initial moment, I was beaming. Since her, my life had taken off in leaps and bounds, my career, my finances and my luck with the ladies all seemed to flow.
I invited her to have a drink because I wanted to speak with her. She of course declined but that wasn’t surprising either. I suspected she knew what I didn’t realize at the time about our break-up; we were truly incompatible outside of the bedroom and therefore would not have much of a future together. I remember her saying that I would eventually leave her.
The reason I wanted to speak to her was to thank her and offer my gratitude for ending the relationship. It was the wake-up call I needed to re-invigorate my spirit. We had met at low point in my life—unemployed, broke and holding out hope for that last interview, which based on my luck wasn’t something I was placing many bets on.
She was attractive, flirtatious and came on to me the first time we met. At that moment there was no way I was going to turn her down. It’s not like I had anything better to do.
Two days later we were on her couch making monkey love.
It was the day of the NYC marathon. I left Jersey at around 5am and caught two trains to Brooklyn just to get some ass. Damn, if it wasn’t worth it, though.
Typically, you wouldn’t find me spending my Sundays butt naked in some strange woman’s home but I really didn’t have anything going on at the time, so I might as well live. It wasn’t the craziest thing I’ve ever done but it was definitely up there.
So that was the beginning of our six months of wall-to-wall sex. I don’t think we even spent anytime together where we didn’t have sex.
She craved it and needed it.
Within a month of meeting her, I got a job and things started to change for me—quickly. This prompted a reversion to the old me, the thoughtful, responsible and pensive individual I had always been. I liked my new job and I wanted to do it well, so my social schedule wasn’t as aligned with hers as it was when I was unemployed.
That’s where the unraveling began.
I needed to spend more time with her, I wasn’t “fun” anymore, and I had become serious and “boring.” That was followed by accusations of cheating because if I was not getting frequent sex from her I must be getting it from someone else, whether I was committed to the relationship or not.
What I had become was responsible; I was concerned with my career and attempting to cultivate a stable relationship. What I did not know at the time was I was dating someone who did not hold the same values. Her life was about having fun and anything that interfered with that fun was “boring” and not how she got down.
We finally broke up the morning after her birthday party, following a night of wild sex of course. I was disappointed and sad because even though I sensed it coming I was secretly hoping it wouldn’t have happened at all. But it did and I was angry, not from a broken heart, because I didn’t really love her, but I actually tried to maintain the relationship the best I could. The rejection, though, and the idea of no more really hot sex was what bothered me.
After a few months of feeling sorry for myself, a bit of bitterness and a whole lot of introspection, I emerged with a renewed sense of self. I began to realize that I actually had a whole lot going for myself.
It was summer in the city and women were checking me out. I was encouraged by my boss to apply for a new position; it was an opportunity to make more money, take more charge of my career and do something that fit my skill set.
I was all for it.
I had briefly harbored fantasy of revenge for her having caused me pain but when we did encounter each other I felt nothing but gratitude. I knew if we were still in that relationship I may have been too distracted to pursue the new position and rebuild my financial base. A whole new world had opened up for me and I owed it all to a woman who needed to be loved unconditionally.
I relate this story because life often offers us many options and sometimes the ones that choose us are not what we would have chosen if given the opportunity. I probably would have never loved that woman unconditionally because at the end of the day we really were not that compatible. But being who I am, I would have tried really hard and not been able to fully pursue a career choice that positively affected my life and others in so many ways. In essence, she unintentionally saved me from my own bad choice and for that I am grateful.
I always think of that period of my life in terms of being that frozen bird that falls into the stable and is revived by the warm cow dung. See, not everyone who shits on you does you harm.
Have you ever stayed in a relationship just for the sex? How did you finally end the sexual cycle? Do you think a relationship that starts off revolving around the physical can ever evolve into something deeper? Do you think that most relationships can survive a major change in one of the people’s lives? Do you feel awkward bumping into an ex? Would you accept an offer to have drinks with an ex you knew was wrong for you? Do you think Rastaman should guest blog more often?
Speak your piece…
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