You are here: Home » Dear NWSO » Shouldn’t You Know Where Your Boyfriend Lives?

Shouldn’t You Know Where Your Boyfriend Lives?

Posted by NWSO • May 27, 2010 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I'm new to all this blog stuff, but I’ve landed myself in a tough spot and figured you’d set me straight. I'm a 30-year-old looking for a man to call my own. A few months back I got involved with a man about twice my age. Well, all had been going great, until one day it seemed something was wrong with his phone (no calls, no texts). When we spoke again I mentioned not knowing his address in the event of an emergency. After all he knows mine, or if he doesn't, he knows how to get to my house. Me asking about where he lived made him uncomfy, so I left it alone.

He's told me lots of things about himself, his family, how he grew up and all, so I figured I'd give him a little more time to come around. Then, I had a dream that he was married. We discussed all this so I was sure he wasn't married but this dream caused me great discomfort. I asked him was he living with a lady because I had this dream. He was surprised and rambled a while. I lessened the question to, "Who do you live with?" Do you know he did not answer either question?!?!? He was sort of on the spot I guess and couldn't believe I was asking him. Yet he never said "no" or "yes."

Eventually, he asked me to continue with our friendship. He said he just wants us to be happy and to make each other happy. He asked me to be "patient." What the hell? My resolution is to back off to the level of friendship where I would be okay not knowing his address. Is that enough? Or should I totally dissolve this friendship? I consider this dishonest and I know I can't develop a serious relationship on distrust. However, I enjoy our dinner dates, no matter who pays. He helps me take care of my home (physically, you know, fixing sinks, raking leaves, etc.). Sometimes we go out shopping and stuff. It had been just good times and good company until this. Let me know what you think.

Dear Ms. Homebody,

First question I have is; are you and this man intimate? I just ask because the existence of a physical dynamic could play into the emotional complexity of this scenario. Secondly, you said you’re 30 and this man is “about twice your age?” I assume you’re exaggerating, but if not, wow.

At any rate, knowing where someone lives, even just the neighborhood, is a reasonable request in most cases. I’m not saying people should give out their home address on the first date, because you can't be too careful these days—male or female—with who knows where you lay your head at night. I’m very particular about who I allow in my home so I can understand some reservations on someone I hardly know coming over, but at the very least I can relay the neighborhood I live in.

This guy couldn’t even offer that.

Not saying where you live is one thing but this guy blatantly avoided the question of who he lives with and that’s a definite red flag in my book. I hate to throw dirt on the brother but something smells fishy. If there isn’t anything to hide he should have no problem with providing an answer even if it's with his mama. But at “twice your age” I doubt his mama is still alive. Sorry.

As for maintaining a friendship with him, that's really your call as to if it’s even worth it. I doubt very much a real relationship will develop between you two, or at least it shouldn't based on his red flag. If you don’t think there’s another woman in the picture then you’re extremely gullible.

Now in the event that you guys can actually maintain a platonic relationship then that's great. Not everyone is meant to be romantic. That just needs to be made clear so y'all can move on accordingly. If he was only after a jump-off situation with you then that'll be apparent if he suddenly bounces once the option of sex is out of the equation. That’s really the only way you'll know for sure if you really have a friend in this guy or just someone trying to cheat on his main girl.

On the other hand, if you think you're too emotionally connected to this man—even though he appears to be with someone else—then I say run for the hills to save yourself from this potential grey area and confusion. And if y'all are intimate, definitely cut that off ASAP until you can get some real answers to simple questions like; where do you live and with whom?

I know you’re on a quest to find a man to call your own and it appears that you haven’t accomplished that yet because ol’ boy is hiding something or someone. I'm sure you can find another guy that lives alone and is not almost 60! Hopefully, you’ll have a new leaf raker and Mr. Fix It in no time.

Good luck.

What do you think about this reader’s situation? Is it odd that this man won’t tell her where he lives? Do you think it’s dangerous to tell someone where you live when you hardly know them? How long does it take before you allow someone into your home? Are you more likely to go to someone else’s home first before you let them come into yours? Do you think that this man is living with another woman? Should this reader try to maintain a friendship or just cut her losses? Did you find it odd that she said this man was twice her age? Are you in NY and coming to hear me speak next Thursday? ?

Speak your piece…

ONLY ONE WEEK LEFT UNTIL MY NYC PANEL:

UPDATE: There’s now a lower priced ticket available in the balcony section for Paul Carrick Brunson’s Modern Day Matchmaker Live tour that are “Standing Room Only (Show & After-Party)” for just $20. CLICK HERE to purchase the appropriate ticket(s) you want and be sure to enter the “NWSO” discount code to get 20% off the listed price.

I’d love to see you there as myself and a few other great relationship bloggers will in the building discussing hot button topics and fielding your questions. It’s all going down next Thursday, June 3 at Providence—located at 311 West 57th Street, NYC. Doors open at 8pm and the show, which will be taped, will run from 8:30 to 10:30. The after party, which will give folks the chance to mingle with the panel, will kickoff directly after and go until 2am.

For more info, hit the official FaceBook invite.

Online Ticketing for THE MODERN DAY MATCHMAKER LIVE IN NYC - Show & VIP After Party!!!

Tagged as: cheating, Dear NWSO, older man, other woman, personal space, younger woman

http://spinsterstravels.wordpress.com Spinster

This man is playing games. Run Forrest, run.
karmagini

This stuff is too easy. It's a shame Ms. Homebody doesn't see it like that. I think she knows in her gut something isn't right, but doesn't want to face that.

I'd dissolve the "friendship," if you could call it that. He isn't worth any effort if he can't be honest and has been given the chance too on several occasions.

Plus... it's obvious he's with someone... could be another man for all we know... So what kind of karma are you inviting by being "friends" with a man who is dishonest to you and surely not telling his mate of your friendship?!

And Ms. Homebody, I mean no disrespect but don't know another way to say it... If you act desperate for companionship, you will continue attracting these emotionally unavailable men. Trust me; been there, done that. Expect more from a man & believe you deserve more, and you will attract a quality man.
karmagini

And to answer the other ?s, I don't know how long it would take me before I let someone know my address... but I sure wouldn't let them know right away. You lessen your chances of dealing with unstable people that way.

I also wouldn't be going to a dude's house right away either. Also not safe. Plus inviting someone to your house alone, or vice versa is usually interpreted as a chance to get some.
lola289

*Sigh* I went through the same incident minus the dream and old dude...
I just new sumthin was off...

Don't trust someone like that. PERIOD!

Honestly next time no guy should know where u live b4 u know their info..

Guard ur personal life even if u have nothin to hide... In the end he shouldn't be trusted. Not in the beginning at least.

Trust me as I type this... Next time Im gonna follow my own advice!
Malia

I will never understand the female psyche that will be in the most absurd situation, yet hold out even the faintest hint of hope that things "are not what they seem." That single issue is the cause of endless suffering, emotional trauma, books, radio shows, Oprah specials, Lifetime movies and advice columns. That single issue makes thousands of people millions of dollars when they find different ways of telling women the same thing over and over: leave heffa, go, keep it moving, on to the next, adios, bye, skeedaddle.

I wish I would get played by a senior citizen. SMH.
http://ecstasykmichele.blogspot.com Kaye Michele

Once again, NWSO, you are reading my mind! I was JUST talking to my home boy about a similar topic - a gentleman I was dating for a while was hesitant to bring me by his house but he'd been to my house many a time. I eventually cut him off - despite his explanations, something in my gut told me otherwise. I have yet to have my suspicions confirmed...but I'm not waiting around to find out.

Ms. Homebody, I'm sure you know this already, but run. Run like Flo Jo. If he's the senior citizen that he seems to be from the post, he can't catch you anyway. LOL.
da ThRONe(back home)

WOW

People need to learn their worth!

Why would you even began to subject yourself to this kind of dishonest and distant behaviour? You are well within you rights to know if a person is living with another person even if they wont say where.

Relationships (romantic or platonic) are hard enough to maintain with two people who tell each other everything. Let alone one when people are holding back vital info.

I say drop old dude back off at the old folks home and bounce.
sunshyne84

I don't understand either Malia.....

He's married!!!! Move the hell on.

She's been seeing this man long enough for him to want to fix things around her house and take her out on several dates, so she definitely should know where he lives.
QuoteMan

Usually, I’m less incline to come down hard on folks who seek advice but 30? You got to be kidding me.

I say this, not in the interest of meanness but in the interest of reality. I don’t see any conceivable scenario in which one could say this man doesn’t have anything to hide.

The only benefit of the doubt I could give him is maybe - maybe he’s in an embarrassing situation - but his actions betrays him. After a couple of months of dating and he can’t say yes or no to a simple question?

Granted, he doesn’t have to invite you over but for all purposes and intent, you need to know where he lives.

There’s no telling what he’s up to, but I think it’s fair to say - take your lumps and chuck the deuce up.
Enid Wilson

Yuck! Some men are so baddddddddddd. They want to have all the cakes and eat them all. I'd say dump him, pronto.

Steamy Darcy
Anonymous

This man has something to hide. Best case scenario, he's prince of Zamunda. Something tells me that ain't quite it.
Miss Conception

i guess at thirty you are supposed to know more than what someone can teach you. But if that is the case, I feel sorry for you. If you think you know everything by a certain age, what is the point in living? So that you can help others? Pah.. lease.. You shouldn't know everything, and the situations you get yourself into aren't always a previous encounter.

You were right to cut off the communication with him. Whether you should be friends depends solely on whether you became attached to him. If it bothers you that you don't know where he lives, a lot of other things about him will bother you in due time. It is okay to cut off the friendship as well because he may try to get intimate, or you will get frustrated that he limits your friendship to a certain degree. Go with your instincts, RUN! Don't allow your mind to take you places you have no business going.
LovelyBoned

I would think he would atleast tell her the area that he lives in. "I live on Prince Ave" ...how hard is that? Unless your hiding something! I happen to like older men, but Im finding they come with more baggage..Once your a certain age, you have a certain amount of baggage!
tiki

Let him go. if he really wants you he'll come back and come clean.
Rastaman

Based on what she said in her letter, she is old enough and has enough information to make the right decision. In her situation I would be quickly downscaling this relationship pronto. But she has to be the one to come to that realization because at the end of the day she is the one who has to live with her choices.

You would think "normal" people would not lie to friends or intimates about basic facts about themselves but having recently experienced something in a similar vein, I have concluded that the there are no exceptions to the "trust but verify" edict.

I am not certain why the question of telling a person you hardly know your address is applicable in this instance. The revelation of pertinent information to new people in your life is a relative thing. Some folks do it on the first date and others wait for a time they are most comfortable. I have dated people all along that information spectrum, some I did not know or even cared to know.

I am pretty reluctant to have people in my space but I am in the general sense a very private person. In my experience, there have been exceptions, how quickly we get to know each other space is heavily dependant on the pace of the relationship.

My take on folks who lie/obfuscate on basic information (age, address, etc.) about themselves is that they have a problem with honesty. I take that as a warning sign and not a positive one. Trust is part of the foundation in any relationship and once you undermine that you endanger the whole thing. From experience i find that type of behavior intolerable, primarily because in the age of the internet you can confirm so much of this information online. So either they are stupid or they think you are, in either case that does not bode well for much of a future.

The age thing, well as someone a bit older than the norm here, I have to tell you how very often I get hit on by women 10, 15 years my junior. I always figure if I was interested it would not be too much of an issue getting involved with someone that much younger. Not my speed but I know more than a few who have gone that route. Many women around her age are looking for maturity which for a lot a men her age is not as common as it once was.

Ans, unfortunately that date conflicts with my born day!!
MultipleHeart

Move on...a clear hint to me is the line of how he wants to "to continue with our friendship" if you guys are intimate it sounds like he is resolving himself to that fact that his secret is out and the best he is going to get is "that friendship" that has the ability to keep you hanging on...cut the ties.

Honey, it was a simple question...if he has a problem with a simple question, think of what will happen with a bigger one.

Best of luck to you.
bogart4017

I thought sisters werent sleeping anymore.
Rise and shine honey. That ain't dirty dishes hes hiding. Give him the pink slip and keep searching.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts

You gave great advice. I would have said the same thing.
http://nwso.net NWSO

@Rastaman

Well, happy early bday brother
firstofseptember

I agree with da ThRONe about knowing your worth. Establishing one's self worth is something each of us has to learn in our own time. If the guy is not what she's looking for, then she should move on; she won't be losing anything, that's for sure.
Intrepid

Leave Him Alone. The longer you stay the harder it will be on you. Plus your missing out on running in to Mr Right for you.
I wish I could be in NY next week.
Anonymous

he's married.... and he's not leaving her. don't let him play you.
DC Man With a Plan

Contrary to what others have said, I say: STAY with pops, after all, somebody's gotta play the fool otherwise how would we get all those melodic songs about somebody done somebody wrong... U ever heard the song: It takes a fool ...to learn........ Seriously, stay with him. practice making babies; fantasize about having a family; get yourself ready for the next man that will come along to dog you. EVERY woman can't be the positive, highly desirable and sexy azz independent woman EVERY man wants. Naw, gotta be a few skanks just to keep life interesting. And who said man sharing was a problem anyways? 30 years of living and this is what you got? wow. You're scaring me.
Shannon

If you are just friends or romantically involved, you should at least have an idea of where he lives. I’ve met men in the past who were furtive and secretive about their domicile and I later learned they were living in a motel or studio apartment, at home with their parents, or living in a house/apartment/trailer and ashamed about letting anyone see it. But that was just what I would call a best-case scenario.

There were others who were married or living with other women and that was something else. Most people don’t know you can find out a lot about a person just with a cell phone, even a prepaid one; all you need is a home or cell phone number and plug it into one of the free online people search websites and it will tell you who the number belongs to–yes, I have met men who lied to me about their name–their address and last three addresses, place of employment and so on. That’s how I got the address of a man I’d dated for about five months and when I popped up at his house, who I thought was the housekeeper/nanny was actually his wife and she was eight months pregnant. Of course he was angry with me for invading his privacy and when confronted, I told his wife the truth. She responded by saying, “Well, he was doing that before we were married, so I can’t expect him to stop now. All I ever said about it was I never wanted to meet the other women,” which made me stop and look at her a little different. SMH

Do you really need a man that badly that you are willing to turn a blind eye to a blinking red neon light? Plus, this man is about 25 to 30 years your senior; he’s hardly interested in anything serious with you. Men at this age seek younger women to see if they still “got it” and if they can pull a younger woman–doesn’t matter how much money he has to spend or what he has to do–that tells hims he’s still “got it” and that tends to boost a man’s ego, but it also makes him overconfident and cocky.

I would definitely drop this guy if he is balking at revealing his place of residence or living arrangements; if he has nothing to hide, there is no reason he can’t tell you where he lives. My man pops up at my place all the time and it doesn’t bother me because I have nothing to hide. I know where he lives, but I don’t pop up there because he lives with his parents (lost his job last year) and they don’t like the fact that their son is dating a black woman. But I know where he lives. Even a friend will tell you where they live unless they have something to hide, like a coworker friend who was trying to hide the fact that he was gay. When I found out, I didn’t care; hell, who he slept with was his business and he was a good friend. Over time I became good friends with his partner and all barriers came down.

The bottom line is this: know the company you keep. You want to hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, so that anything in between doesn’t come as a surprise and you’re prepared to handle it. Relax and focus more on you than on having a man. Having a man isn’t that critical or important that you have to abandon all common sense and ignore the 800-lb. gorilla in the room or the pink elephant in the yard.
Elle

Wow, just wow.
http://blackgirlsareeasy.blogspot.com/ Rhianna Loves Golden Showers

Ms. Homebody is clearly an idiot. But she's the perfect type of girl for most men, so I salute her and her ignorant ways.
classy_delta_chick

I am in the same situation, right now. Been talking to this dude for almost 2months. He knows where I live. I asked him & he only replied, "In the hood". I first started picking up on things when he would only meet me at night for walks at the park. Then when we would text each other, it would take him hours, sometimes, to respond back to me. The only time he calls me is when he is at his sister house. (So he says) But my gut feeling was telling me that this man does not live alone. So he has been left alone!
msdebbs

This is a damn shame we as women are so filled with hope that even when things are obvious we still stick around like boo boo the fool. We've all played a fool but at the age of 30 put hope in your back pocket and move on. If a man truly wants to be with you 100% he wants you at his house....I'm just sayin
Vincygirl

Not to long ago I was almost in the same situation I met this guy who claimed that his mom lived with him and she was sick so he never brought anyone over. He only call me at certain times during the day and was only available at certain time and would break dates claiming he was called away on "business trips", turned out he wasn't on any business trips but at home with the wife and kids. Walk away he's just using you. Or you can wait it out to find out that he wasted your time.
sweetsassyfox

well the big no no you don't open your legs or have any type of continued relationship sexual where you are exposed to someone that may or may not endanger your life you need to know his first name his last name where he works at how long he has worked there his educational background whether or not he has morals and if so what are they if he has a purpose , and who and where he stay and if he is a sex offender or not or any kind of felon very important you don't want to expose your body to the wrong type of male , because if you are harmed how can you tell anyone who it is who harmed you
DCS

First of all, there is a problem when things are not equal. That being you have his home and cell number, he should have yours; he goes to your house, you should go to his; he can call you at all hours, you can call him at all hours, etc. The minute it's not that way, there's a problem. Whether the problem is he's hiding something, or it's just that he doesn't want you to have the same access he does; doesn't matter. He needs to kick rocks! I had a friend that had come over a time or two. When I went to his house, he wanted to put my car in the garage. He's kicking rocks!
Tejan

He could not want you to see his house because it is a dump and is ashamed of it. But that is more likely from someone younger, not older. And he could have at least hinted at the part of town or neighborhood if he did not want to give the full address. But the questions about who he lives with and him not answering that seems off. Unless he is homeless or in an old age home and is afraid it will turn you off, it seems strange he cannot even answer that question.

The real problem is honesty. Relationships, especially long term ones that become marriages, require honesty and being real. And that is missing here. I would say move on and find someone who is real with you.