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Do I Have an Eating Disorder? (The Quest to be Perfect)

Posted by NWSO • June 1, 2010 • Printer-friendly

If you missed the memo yesterday, I’ve made some changes to the site, including a new URL. CLICK HERE to get the specifics.

Today’s post is a bit different but one I think will make for a good discussion. A few weeks ago I got some reader mail from a sister dealing with a serious matter involving an eating disorder. It’s not something we often talk about in the Black community but should be discussed more often.

Dear NWSO,

Just recently, I admitted that I have an eating disorder. I have suffered with it for the past seven years. It wasn't as apparent until my freshmen year of college in 2007. It started as a body image issue, where I was too scared to see myself bigger than the size I currently was. Then, it became a control issue, since my life became very chaotic last year and I felt I had no control over any situation except how much I ate and my hunger.

For months, I would just binge eat—one-two meals a day—then live off of snacks or control my hunger. I’m fed up with living this way because I would like to be with someone and have children, but this can really ruin a relationship and bring great harm to the child's development.

I need help, but am afraid of telling my counselor in school because she may send me to a hospital (my case isn't severe, but I haven't known anyone with an eating disorder). I want to tell my parents, but they may overreact and bring me home so I can be monitored since I live on my own. I want to know if I should tell my counselor, and how can I break the news to my parents. Thanks for whatever advice you and the other Sock Heads can give me.

Control Freak

I received this letter on my way to work early in the week and couldn’t give it the proper attention to detail it required in a response until the weekend. Before I could hit Control Freak back with my reply, she sent me the following update:

Dear NWSO,

I’ve decided to talk to my counselor despite the consequences. I appreciate whatever advise you were willing to give me, but I think I am going to take the risk. This is one of the hardest reality checks I ever had. On a real note, it took a lot out of me to even tell you. I have denied [my eating disorder] since I was oblivious to understand what it was. I read an article in Psychology Today that revealed to me that I too had a problem.

At first, it started because I was reacting to my migraine pills, which made me lose my appetite and my hair, as well, in ninth grade. It wasn't serious then, and I could easily ignore the little symptoms. Once I left my parent’s home and went to college, my eating disorder became more apparent as my stress levels increased. I would eat a lot with the stress, then for a while skip meals because I had that big meal to compensate.

My sophomore and junior years were when it went out of control. I would have a big paper due the following day and tell myself that I wasn't hungry and to put off eating until the paper was done. Twelve hours could pass by before I decided to binge eat. My love life was on shaky grounds, and caused me to stop eating because I couldn't deal with men drama and school at once. It eventually became a body image factor since I have never weighed more than 120 lbs in my life.

Although I hear that I’m a pretty girl and have a nice physique, it wasn't enough for me. I would like to be thick like Beyoncé, but have beauty like Zoe Saldana. It doesn't help that I’m 5'8" and probably down to 115 lbs. It didn't matter to me, as long as I could put my clothes on and look myself in the mirror knowing that I didn't have to buy another size.

My mother and aunts would tell me that I look like I lost weight and tell me to eat. I would ignore it or tell them I’m the same size, even though I’m pretty sure they were right. What really startled me was when I saw my best friend from home whom I haven't seen in two years tell me that I lost weight. I looked into my eating habits, and faced the light: I am a binge eater.

I am not proud of this, and wish that I didn't have to do it either. But, at the time, and still today, it was empowering for me to control something in my life. It felt good to know that I could control my body with my mind. I’m a controlling person, and when I realized I couldn't control people to do what I wanted to, I choose something that wouldn't fight back. It became second nature to me and something I could hide since no one suspected.

I’m hesitant, but relieved to admit it and share it with someone because this is something that can ruin my life as well as those I become involved with in the future. I hope to overcome this disorder, and let others know that this can persist among the Black community just as much as the White community. There is always room for improvement, but don't let the improvement become an obsession. Be proud of what you have, and leave room for improvement. Confidence doesn't come from loving everything about you, it comes from taking in the flaws, imperfection and great qualities one possess.

Thank you for everything. You are wonderful and I admire you for your dedication to this website and the people committed to it—such as myself. Keep up the good work, and remember as much as you reach out to others make sure that they are willing to reach out to you.

Dear Control Freak,

I’m so glad to hear that you decided to speak to your counselor about this as that is what I would have suggested. I can offer my opinion on your letter but someone with specific knowledge in this field would be better equipped to offer specific advice.

In regards to speaking to your parents about this I don’t think you have anything to be afraid of. If they are loving parents and you guys have a good relationship then they’re only concern is going to be for your health and safety. Perhaps taking a break from school would do you good. I remember the stress of college life and being on your own, but through that all you still have to make sure that you take care of you. Sometimes taking care of yourself takes asking for help from family and friends.

Also, don't think of this as a non-Black issue, eating disorders and body image issues affect people of all walks of life. In fact, fellow blogger GangStarr Girl bravely revealed her own struggles with an eating disorder and highlighted other celebrities of color that have as well in “Women of Color Starve Themselves Too Sometimes.” I think you and everyone else should click that link to read the article.

At any rate, don't look at yourself as weird or odd because of this. I commend you for reaching out to me and finding the courage to talk to your counselor, but most of all for acknowledging you have a problem. That, I believe, is the first step on the road to recovery.

I imagine moving forward your relationship with food will be a tricky one as you'll constantly second-guess yourself on eating too much or too little. Whatever the case just be sure that you are being healthy. I'm sure your counselor will have more specifics on how to do that or refer you to someone with even more expertise in that area.

As for trying to be "thick" like Beyoncé or as "beautiful" as Zoe, it's an impossible comparison that so many people fall victim to. I work in media so trust me when I say that most of these women do not look like they do in magazines or videos. Air brushing and Photoshop create these magical illusions of "perfection." Also, they have enough money to pay for these crazy fitness coaches just to keep them in shape that the average person could not afford or have time to maintain.

Ultimately, you have to love yourself skinny, fat or in between before anyone else can love you. Your health and acceptance of your own beauty should be for YOU and not in hopes of getting a man. No one is perfect and it's unfair for you to put that kind of pressure on yourself. I need you to look in the mirror every day and love what and whom you see. Don't focus on the phantom "fat" or miniscule "imperfections" but rediscover what you love about yourself no matter how minuscule. Outward beauty is temporary it’s the inner beauty that will last a lifetime.

I hope some of this helped and you continue to speak to your counselor and keep me abreast of your journey. I may not know you personally but I care about your journey and pray you continue on a positive path.

Have you ever had or known someone with an eating disorder? Do you feel that the images the media puts out there puts too many unrealistic pressures on young people to be “perfect?” Have you ever starved yourself because of stress or for some superficial reason? If so, did you ever think of it as a potential problem? Do you often forget that being underweight can be just as unhealthy as being overweight? Why do you feel people of color are less likely to discuss topics like this? What additional advice do you have for this reader?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: Beyonce, binge eating, body image, college, control freak, eating disorder, starvation, stress, Zoe Saldana

Nikki

I really hope you get the help you need. I myself have had an eating disorder for about 4 years now and am praying for the day I'm done with it.

Sometimes, people from the outside looking in can't understand what we go through EVERYDAY dealing with this.

I wish you the best.
KayBee

Telling your conselor was one of the best things that you could do. You also need to tell people that you trust (like your parents). You shouldn't be afraid of being judged. As for school, you shoudn't be afraid to take a semester off to rediscover all the great things about yourself. School will always be there.

Theere are things you can do to help with the stress of going to school, such as: time management, packing healthy snacks in your bag (things like peanut butter crackers or almonds and fruit are very healthy for you and also give you the "good carbs" that keep you from getting that starving feeling). Also attending class everyday and participating in study groups will help you to learn the material and get some of the tons of homework done.

With being on your own there are some things to prioritize. You will not die if your bed isn't made up everyday or you have dishes in the sink for 2 days. Online bill paying systems can help you manage what bills have been payed and what bills haven't.

Even though this time in your life is difficult right now, you taking the first step by letting others know is very commendable. There are alot of girls/guys who don't have your courage. And maybe because of your asking for NWSO's advice will also help someone else who is also struggling with the same problem.

You are in my prayers and I wish you the best.
God’s Gift (Soon-to-be Mrs. da ThRONe

I'm glad that the reader seeked help.

When I was younger I had an eating disorder for almost 7 years. I went to therapy for it, but it is still a daily struggle. I'm very sensitive about my body image and I have to force myself to eat at times.

Yes, I do believe that the media puts unrealistic pressures on women to be perfect. However, most eating disorders are more of a control issue.

People of color are concerned about perception. So, anything that may seem like a problem is swept under the rug.
Shannon

I had an eating disorder not too long ago myself, about a few years ago. I was an emotional eater; eating was how I expressed my feelings and celebrated and even mourned events in my life.

I started with the laxatives; believe it or not, laxatives can make you lose a lot of weight in a short period of time. So can ipecac. The downside is it causes major liver damage and you eventually lose function in the GI tract. Soon you are living on these things and don't eat anymore and before long, you don't even realize you're hungry and need to eat or that you're dangerously thin, because in your mind, you are huge and fat.

I lost down to 74 lbs. I was about 19 at the time and refused to believe anyone who told me I needed to eat and gain weight. That was the anorexia that got it started. When I eventually lost my job because I failed the physical, which required me to weigh a minimum of 130 lbs., I slipped into a deep depression and started binging.

My eating binges would consist of hours spent at the buffet; I would eat until I was stuffed and then go to the bathroom and bring it up. I did this at least six times a day. After being questioned by so many people, I began staying home and binging and purging at home. I would order takeout--lots of it--or cook enough food to feed the block and eat until bursting and then purge.

This went on for several years, until I ended up in the hospital after passing out in the school bookstore. I was put under the care of a psychiatrist and a psychologist and it was several months before they were able to convince me of my actual appearance and what they did was interview me and unbeknownst to me, it was video recorded. The doctor showed me a bunch of videos of other patients and I mentioned that they needed to eat and gain some weight. The last one they showed, I told them they needed to get her some help or she would be dead by the weekend. It took a full ten minutes to realize the patient was me and I was shocked by my appearance.

It took a day for me to realize just how bad off I really was and it scared me to realize how blind I'd been. I'd been resisting the NG tube feedings (this is a tube that goes through the nose down the throat to the stomach to provide nourishment, for those who don't know)and the enteral tube (this one feeds directly to the small intestine)and only taking in water up to this point, but I gradually began eating small amounts once or twice a day.

I've since recovered, but my current schedule and lifestyle makes it far too easy for me to blow off meals and while it is tempting to ignore my hunger, I know that it is normal and okay to eat. So I strike a balance: simply make healthier choices and binge on low-cal foods, like salads and vegetables. Since vegetables and salad are the only thing I allow myself to binge on, binging has become a thing of the past.

Now I eat to fill the void left by my husband--may he rest in peace--and I've recently stopped doing this because it's causing me some GI problems. The fact that you realize you have a problem is the first step and it's the biggest step you'll ever take on the road to recovery. My mother, who is black, never thought it was possible that I could or would ever develop an eating disorder, but my father, who is white, recognized the signs and pushed me relentlessly to get help, even threatening to have me hospitalized in a residential treatment facility. My mother and the women in her family thought I was just trying to get attention and my mother blocked or intervened in my father's efforts to help me. I'm glad today that he ignored my mother and moved forward in his quest to help me or I would never have lived to share this with you.
da ThRONe

I think as people we tend to place blame on other instead of correcting our on issues. First as parent we need to learn how to build our kids self-esteem. Second it's mind over matter. Sure its not easy to fix your self issues ,but at the end of the day we control the ability to stabilize our lives.
God’s Gift (Soon-to-be Mrs. da ThRONe)

This coming from a person that calls his niece fat.
lola289

We all need to talk so someone sometimes (whether u believe it or not!)... so the writer should find the right person. Im happy she is able to utilize her school counselor. Alot of times we think that our problems are only ours but the majority of ppl have had some type of issues w/ food especially nowadays w/ the type of food on the market.
Right now perfection is literally packaged... nothing seems real to me anymore from Nicki Menaj(?) to Pam Lee. Its all been done b4 nothins new anymore. As a size 14...it took me a minute to see myself as beautiful even when I have ppl telling me so... (I still think guys tell me only to get in my pants! lol )But I think that we all should forego the media's view of beauty and just be ourselves...eat right...exercise.. and stay well read. Thats what Im trying to do...
Elle

Have you ever had or known someone with an eating disorder?
- Both of my best friends have had eating disorders. Or should I say HAVE since eating disorders tend to linger like addictions for the rest of a person's life. One of my friends was anorexic, the other bullimic.
I once saw a report on TV about eating disorders. There it was said that everyone who counts calories and calculates what/how much to eat and whose daily thoughts concern calories/fat/weight etc. is suffering from an eating disorder. At that rate, I'd have to say I have one too. I cannot eat anything absolutely guiltfree or without estimating which meals I may have to skip afterwards.

Do you feel that the images the media puts out there puts too many unrealistic pressures on young people to be “perfect?”
- Absolutely. Especially when you get an insight on what these A-List celebrities really eat - or not eat for that matter. Most of them seem to live off air and water when they are being truthful

Have you ever starved yourself because of stress or for some superficial reason?
- All the time. Well not constantly all the time. But ever since I was 12 I have had phases when I would starve and/or work out like a maniac.

If so, did you ever think of it as a potential problem?
- Not so much from an eating disorder point of view but from a longterm weight issue point of view because I feel I have ruined my metabolism that way.

What additional advice do you have for this reader?
- I think you pretty much covered it all. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking to her parents off the bat, she might be able to confide into a close friend with more ease.
When my "anorexic" friend was finally forced to go to a clinic, I made sure to be there for her and visit her as much as could, helping her to stay on top of school by bringing her study materials and such. I know she hated being in that clinic. But it was what she needed and I/we were there for her throughout the journey which helped her a lot. Parents are important but friends are equally as essential to show you that you are being accepted and loved the way you are and that you are not alone.

And on that note, I will eat this half brownie which is sitting in front of me and try not to feel bad about it.
http://myfingersarentbroken.com/ GinaMarie

My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. I think this is just a classic case of what is wrong with our society. As women their is so much pressure on us to look and feel a certain way that it is hard to ignore sometimes especially if that type of self esteem was not taught to us as a child.@da ThRONe made a good comment that as parents we need to teach our kids self esteem BUT understand our parents did the best they could do with what they were taught about self esteem and self image. We pass on to our children what we believe.

I never had an eating disorder or known anyone who has but I have seen tons of women go crazy over their weight and body image. I have fallen a victim to this myself constantly comparing how I look to others in the magazine and on TV. Even the person with the highest self esteem can fall victim to this type of trap if he/or she is not determine enough to stay strong in their thinking.

Like I said I been bless not to have an a problem with food (in fact I love food and probably eat too much LOL )

I think she did the right thing by seeking help. So many times we think we can handle our problems all by ourselves but in reality what makes us strong is asking for help when it is needed. And as you stated this has nothing to do with race. I think women of color would be more comfortable of speaking out on this issue if they didn't feel like it was such a "taboo" subject for our culture.
MultipleHeart

First {{{hugs}}} to Control Freak. I suffer from an eating disorder, the same as you, binge eating.

I've had the disorder since 2000, after my mom passed. I saw my weight creeping up. I started with diet pills and starving myself. I I knew I had a problem. I was in therapy for a while and was doing great until I lost my job and my insurance and pretty much control over (what felt like) every other aspect in my life but what I put in my mouth.

I can't offer any advice (I don't feel as if I am in the greatest position since I have lapsed back into my disorder) I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Future_Doc_Blue

It is good that you have admitted that you have a problem and seeking help. Any kind of disorder is linked to a psychological problem that he or she may have. It may stem from abuse of some type (emotional, mental, physical or sexual), stress, etc. This is not to say that all the readers who have some form of eating disorder (wherther server or mild) have been undergone this life trama, but these are some of the main causes that tend to be hightened by societies image on what "BEAUTIFUL" is. I applaud all of those who have stated that they have or had a problem with this.
I think we do not talk about this in the black community because we either do not notice it or a lot of the women are 'thick' so it is not on the radar. Women who have successfully dealt with this problem should try to mentor younger girls, so that they can understand how serious it is.
cake211

I'm so glad that NWSO decided to address this topic.

I don't have an eating disorder, but my terrible habits are a symptom of other issues that I'm dealing with. It really is all about control and perfectionism. I deal with both ends of the spectrum, I either starve myself until I'm about to pass out, or I'll just eat everything that I have a craving for. It's like torture, because part of my mind is telling me that this is good for me, but the other part of me is aware that I'm literally destroying my body from the inside out. It gets very overwhelming.
The media definitely influences how young people see themselves. Back when I was in HS, I really wanted to have the video vixen body, like Melyssa Ford. But I'm a naturally petite woman, there is no way I could attain that physique without literally altering my body with cosmetic surgery. But at the same time, some of my friends that do have the natural shape similar to a video girl think that they're fat and wish the had the shape of a Bey or a Rihanna- who are naturally just smaller women. The media is very extremist and it encourages people to see themselves in the same way- too fat, too skinny, "perfect" skinny, "perfect" butt or boobs, etc.
To the same extent, fashion perpetuates the "perfect" body, especially for black girls, because the clothes don't fit well. Most of the "hott" fashions aren't made to consider women who are bigger, or in my case smaller, than a certain size.
Rastaman

While anorexia and bulima are what so many of us focus on when we discuss eating disorders, what is especially critical in our community is overeating or the addiction to greasy, salty, sugary foods that are majort contributors to our obesity epidemic.
So yes, I know a lot of people, family and friends who may very likely succumb early from some illness related to an eating disorder.

As someone who has done courses on the psychology of the media, I agree that yes the images that bombard us every day do undermine not just the young but most of us with pressure to look perfect. I consider myself lucky to not only have established my personality before 24/7 media images came into being but to have the type of solid upbringing plus media psychology courses that allows me to combat the effects of these warped images that influence us. Even with all of that I have weak moments, when some craving or some look I see on TV or in a magazine takes hold of me.

As a fairly lean individual I have never really had an issue with weight gain, I am however focussed on being a fairly healthy eater so I pay attention to the nutritional value of the foods I do ingest, so many of the thing we enjoy are bad for us. I have managed to drastically change my diet from the high carb, greasy fare that I was raised on to a more balanced diet, one more conducive to my office worker lifestyle.

People of color are one of the communities that have a very emotional relationship with food. I experienced that growing up as my mother focussed a lot of her energy on ensuring that certain foods were available in our household no matter what and always ensuring that now one ever crossed our threshold who was not offered something to eat. It impacted my sister's very unhealthy relationship with food, a life long battle with her weight and her willpower.

For a long time in this society eating disorders have been presented to us as white issues, primarily white women. Sort of how only the missing people are young blondes, so the same way not much attention is paid to missing people of color not much is paid to eating disorders that affect people of color as often. Additionally, we as a group make excuses for each other, especially since most of these disorders are psychological we view them shamefully, sweep them under the proverbial rug. While they are eroding our quality of life, left unattended. We need to stop being afraid to ask for help because we are overly concerned with how something may look. I am always amazed that the communities with access to the least resources take the least opportunity of that access.

Whether eating too little, purging or eating too much of the wrong types of food there are far too many of us who have an unhealthy relationship with food. We can rationalize it all we want with a litany of excuses but I see us literally in one way or another eating ourselves into early graves and it is disheartening.
http://www.pleasureprinciplepublishing.com Lesley Hal

Tell someone, otherwise it's only going to get worse. Nothing good will come of this. You need help and the control you have isn't really control, it's a sickness rather you believe it or not. you say you're not that bad off, but denial is a sign that you are bad off. Talk to someone regardless if its your counselor or just friend get help and be healthy.
Dc Man With a Plan

I'm glad this young lady decided to take the steps she has and sharing her story can be helpful to others. It is unfortunate that we sometimes are "too smart" for our own good, which is how psychological problems work: it all makes sense in ones mind, but once you seek professional help you can begin to see how your thoughts and actions were abnormal. This young woman is well on her way to recovery, though the concerns about what her parents might think, IMO, demonstrate how her concerns still border on giving meaning to unrealistic concerns. You've been on your own for a minute, mom and dad will be concerned, but now that you're seeking help, they should understand you're on your way to recovering and handling this issue like an adult should. Stay strong. You're not a kid anymore.
da ThRONe

It's almost seems like humans are flawed by design(I have my own theories on why). We just have to be strong enough to fight the mental temptations to do ourselves harm. I dont think people understand just how powerful a human brain is ,and this goes both ways good and bad.

At the end of the day your mental wellbeing is your responsibilty. You have to understand that there is no such thing as perfect. You have to set limits on what your willing to do to look how you want. You have to educate yourself on what are healthy habits and what are harmful ones. But I think above all you need to find a way to look in that mirror and know that your the best you mentally and physically you can be and understand that this is the only level of understanding that can make you happy.
Sherell

I have never had an eating disorder but it seems that it is quite prevalent. I think the media images play a major part also providing mis information about what is healthly. The media is quick to blast a headline observational research result but when further studies indicate that there is no real causation, nothing is heard. This leaves alot of people doing the wrong things to stay healthy.

Being underweight in and of itself is not necessarily unhealthy. But purging and binging are. I don't see any problem personally with an eating disorder. I do not count calories and eat as much as I like , BUT I do not eat certain foods and I do not feel deprived. I think the key to weight stabilization is controlling your insulin and blood glucose levels.

I do believe people of color do not discuss these topics as much because although prevelant, many suffer more from being over weight. Yet it stems from the same issue: What you eat. I suggest that she eat natural foods, nothing processed. No grain, no sugar, and no flour. Only vegetables, good protein, and some fruit. Anything that sits on a shelf should be avoided at all cost. Good Luck
http://blackgirlsareeasy.blogspot.com/ Rhianna Loves Golden Showers

All people, not just of Color, actually I think black women are more likely to be okay with their curves than white women who are expected to be sticks. All females are different, but I know big black girls who don't care, and skinny white girls who obsess over their weight.
da ThRONe

Yeah I think she means that the problem is ignored by people of color. Not that it exist more or less within different races. Every culture has it's standards for beauty. I saw something on t.v. where this culture had a practice of forcing their young girls to over eat. Because being heavy was attractive. But most black people dont buy into pychological illnesses
da ThRONe

*psychological. Hey Ans maybe you need to add another editing system.
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.com Tiffany

There is such a stigma with people and eating disorders. It took me years to acknowledge mine. Even after being hospitalized in 7th grade I still would not admit to it. I wasn't until I passed out in the 11th grade in the hallway at school. Even now I struggle with it daily and make myself eat even when I am not because I know I must. It is especially hard when everyday my mother reminds me that I am fat.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Hey Tron, maybe you need to spell check or preview. LOL

Nah, I have to refind that plug-in. I found this reply feature in meantime. Work in progress.
QuoteMan

After reading the 2nd part of the letter, this much is obvious, the young lady is fully cognizant of the serious nature of binge eating, which is great. It goes without saying, acknowledging a problem is the first step in solving it. I wish her the best of luck.

Now, in regards to the images the media puts out, that’s all propaganda. Lets face it, everything the media puts out has a lucrative marketing strategy behind it, even in the event of educating the public. It’s sad but true.

It is reported that the diet industry alone generates somewhere in the neighborhood of a whopping 100 billion dollars annually. We live in a capitalist nation where the obesity rate has been skyrocketing in the last couple of decades. In addition, these companies are capitalizing off this epidemic. You may ask where the correlation between this and the media is. Simple, advertising rules the marketplace; therefore, the media becomes a vehicle for their message about thinness – and that women are always in the need of adjustment.

Make no mistake, I’m all for folks staying in shape. However, I’m also for enjoying the best “mama kitchen” has to offer. I love food; I love to eat; I love the smell and everything about it. Heck, I stop by my mother’s house not only because I love, because I love her cooking just as much (ok, maybe not just as much but y’all get my drift). My thing is eat your heart, so to speak, but also work out to maintain your IDEAL WEIGHT. Which varies, based on gender, age and height. The media’s unattainable beauty shouldn’t bamboozle us.

In my book, it’s ok to use images of the likes of Beyonce, Rihanna, and Reggie Bush as a paradigm. However, a line has to be drawn. It’s as much a battle of wits and mettle as it is one of your upbringing. This is where I believe parents come in. Because these images the media portrait is never going to die down. We’ve to prepare our young ones for this.

For what is worth, I love rap music for it’s artistry and brilliance, when done right. I’m also in the know of it’s ignorance. So at some point in the near future, I’d have to school my lil man about it being an entertainment of caricatures among other stuff rather than me keeping him away from it.

The reality is we can’t eschew everything they’d be exposed to but we could prepare them to respond appropriately.
Dc Man With a Plan

@ Tiffany: Even if you face negativity from ppl who love you, but express it in hurtful way, you STILL have to find a way to be happy in your skin bcuz at the end of the day, nobody's gonna love you like YOU should and need to love yourself. Maybe your mom is thin or is thick and wants you to avoid what she faces, regardless of the "why" the destruction you are potentially applying to your organs and mental health is not good. At the end of the day, you have to choose to express your anguish to your mom and challenge her to be supportive while you do what you can to maintain good health in whatever size you exist. You owe it to yourself to be surrounded by supportive, positive ppl and if you can't get away from negative family, you must learn to ignore them for your own peace of mind.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

DC

You probably missed the memo, we got a new feature where you can reply directly to/under the person you're responding to. [click the little reply button] Kinda like I'm doing now. LOL

New things a go on...
Miss Conception

It is I who is the young lady in this letter. It's great to know that you show great concern towards my issue even though you don't know me. I am greatful to my friend who shown me this page, because I got the opportunity to share my story to all you wonderful ppl (now my favorite ppl). I thank you for the advice you have given me and take it to heart to accept my body and learn how to balance my workload.

My ex boyfriend the other day told me that he admired how I had the gift to place my mind to whatever goal I have. He said I had the ability of mind over matter, that if I put my mind to it, it will get done. I realized that this is partially why I battle with my disorder today. My mind not only controls how to suppress hunger, but it also controls my ability to gain weight. How so? I will say to myself that I need to gain weight. I start off with a diet that will get me going in the right direction of putting on some pounds. Subconsciously, my mind somehow gets me to stop the diet because I start to think that the weight may not look good on me. Like I said, I have never been over 120 lbs, so it is easy for me to start worrying that I am this size for a reason. Plus, I am scared to gain so many pounds, that it will be hard to lose it. Genetically on my mother's side that is what happens, they put on so much weight that the weight is hard to take off. I know it's wrong to think this way, and accept your body for however it may become. I guess this sickness makes it okay for me to think this way.

I hate to say it, but part of the reason why it is easy for me to not eat is because I get that from my father. My mother has to constantly remind him to eat something because he gets caught up with whatever he is doing. He will work for hours putting off food, then when it hits him 4 hours later that he hasn't eaten, he will finally take some time to make some food and eat while getting back to work. So, I picked up his habit of putting food off for a while, then eventually turned it into a sickening mind game.

My mother always ridden hard upon my older sister and I backs about our appearance. I find it a blessing as well as a curse. I care about how I present myself in public and make sure that I am always feeling and looking my best. However, once my mother got on my weight, I started to become sensitive towards her critique. My sister was the good ideal daughter who was the pretty one of us two. She put on some healthy weight and joined the Navy to turn it into muscles. I think that is what my mother wish I had become, but kind of ridicules me for having my grandmother's gene. My grandmother never really had to work out and had stayed her size to today. So, basically I will never be able to gain weight no matter how hard I try. Sometimes, I know she doesn't mean this to harm me, but she would joke with my other aunts about how skinny I am and that I need to receive one of their fats to put meat on my bones. She would tell me how skinny I am, and say that I need to eat more so I can gain weight. I never knew if she said that because I looked unhealthy, or if she said that because I embarrassed her when around family how I was the skinny child with no real curves. I tried everything. Eventually, I stopped because I knew I would never get her approval even if I tried. I was her gifted child, so I focused more on the books than I did my body.

I would tell more of my story, but I think my counselor who I will see next week (so excited) will help me to confront more upon the heart of the issue than I could. Once again, thank you for your advice, and NWSO, thank you from the bottom of my heart for publishing my story for others to read.

Love,

Miss Conception
Donna

I have an eating disorder and have lived with it since I was 15; I'm now 51. It doesn't leave you. From anorexia to bulimia, I've done it all. Ended up in the hospital at 65lbs. When the doctor looked me in the eyes and said, "Donna you're going to die if you don't eat. You need to trust me!" It was a life changing experience from dying to living again. I was carried out my apartment at the time and taken to the hospital as I was too weak to walk. To this day, every day is a struggle. One may think gaining 1 lb. is nothing. Someone who doesn't have an eating disorder would think nothing of a 1 lb. gain in weight from day to day. I still weigh myself several times a day even at 51. It consumes your life. During my younger years, I used to get so sick about gaining weight, I turned to laxatives.... That's when I took a turn for the worse. I just had a conversation with my mom this weekend about how my weight controls my life.... I've overcome some of my issues such as the use of laxatives; and, I'm able to function in the adult world. Few know of my struggles. It's an addiction like any addiction. There's something in our lives that we're looking to control; we have power over what we eat; and, in some case "no control".... Most every seeks control of their lives in different ways. It does get easier.... just know that you're not alone and that it is a sickness. When I had anorexia, it was back when Karen Carpenter had it; she died from it. It wasn't heard about much then, but now with so much emphasis put on being thin, when more than half the population is overweight, some of us are sucked in by it's calling. Whether it's alcohol; drugs; overeating; under eating; work; working out; sex.... They can all be addictions; and, we do it for our own reasons, which is most likely to gain some type of control.... I'm also addicted to tanning.... I also used to exercise so much I had sores on my body.... It's a form of OCD.... Everyone has OCD to some extent, it's just to what extent we have it and let it control our lives. From my experience to you.... I wish you well....
karmagini

First, you are very brave for stepping forth and admitting this to not just yourself, but your counselor and all of us as well. That is a huge step & I send you a virtual hug for that.

You sound like you have quite the awareness (which I've observed before in your other posts) so I think you will deal with this very well. Mind over matter is a strong philosophy to know & practice... and the same energy you use in this eating disorder can also be used to practice healthy eating habits, just like you said.

I hope that combined with your strong spirit, you also continue with counseling. It seems eating disorders are a form of addiction, like Elle mentioned. With addictions & abuse, there tends to have been a pattern or cycle that started with our past relationships. Finding that connection, if it exists, would also be key to your recovery.

I wish you the best... I know you'll be able to get through this challenging time.
karmagini

I have known people with eating disorders, although it's been on the other end of the spectrum, of being overweight. I have never starved myself because of stress, but I have chosen not to eat at times when I was very anxious. Otherwise though, I never have a problem remembering to eat, hate to vomit & don't like to starve.

I do love food though and give in to cravings more than I should. I eat fairly balanced, but am working on creating that calorie deficit so I can lose weight. I don't think just because you count calories or consider the food you intake means you have an eating disorder. It's your intention behind those actions that hold more weight, IMO. Are you doing to be healthy or doing it out of compulsion/addiction?
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Hey Miss C,

Sorry for late reply. It is no problem at all, I'm glad that you took the time to write in and were willing share. I hope that the dialogue was good for you and those that chimed in with their own stories.

In your response though, it seems that there needs to be some healing between you and your mother as well. Our parents are the ones that mold and shape us and we look up to, so their criticism sometimes is the one that hurts us the most—even though they mean it unintentionally. I've seen it many times before and I'm sure this won't be the last. I actually touched on that a while back here:

http://nwso.net/2009/08/31/why-mothers-daughters-fight/
The Friend

I am proud of you for stepping up. One never thinks about how a random post on facebook can turn in to something meaningful to someone else. In this case I am glad you clicked the link. Be strong.

-DB