Reality Check: Not All Men Are On the DL

LMAO @ that pic!!!

I know my comment is kind of late, but I missed this post (for some reason) and I want to comment on this.

The whole issue about men being on the DL has a lot to do with the supposed lack of available, eligible black men and the strict taboo on homosexuality that is even worse in the black community, which often forces these men--not necessarily black ones, but more commonly--to live double lives, always in fear of being discovered or found out. They know what to expect once their secret is out and it's hard, especially for black men to just come right out and admit they are really getting down with other men.

This is the fear that leads them to live the double life, the lie that all too often puts lives in danger and the lack of disclosure is frighteningly all too evident. Granted, I don't think every guy that gets a mani-pedi, wears skinny jeans and takes care of his hair and skin is living a double life; to me it's nice to meet men who care enough not to have dirty fingernails or blotches on his face or oily hair. Men who care about themselves is the new trend, but this was once how one identified gay men. At one time, only gay men got manicures and pedicures, got regular facials and spent more time shopping than most women, but today that is no longer the case. Unfortunately, people haven't yet caught up with the times and still continue to determine such men to be gay or on the DL. I can't imagine my husband was on the DL, even though he always used my exfoliant on his skin and was forever coordinating suits and ties and shoes to match his briefcase--okay, I thought he was overdoing it--and constantly fooling with his hair. I complained, but deep down I liked how he would take time to clean his fingernails after cutting the grass or washing his face after a workout.

Nowadays, there aren't many identifiers that mark a man as gay; even having sex with men doesn't make one gay. There has to be a complete package; sometimes people experiment and that's normal. We are all on a sexuality spectrum and believe it or not, no one is completely straight or completely gay; we all fall somewhere in between. Because it's not as clear and obvious as in the past--most gay men are not like Elton John or Liberace--it's easy for women to conclude that metrosexuals are in fact gay when they're not. Another reason is to explain the lack of eligible men. I remember once when my sister was telling me after subtracting the men who were married, locked away, gay, strung out, unemployed, or just plain f***ed up in the head, she often found the pickings slimmer than slim and I was lucky enough to be with a white man, but I didn't see it that way. First of all, while white men may not have the baggage of black men, they do have their fair share and because they lack the experience of how to cope in the face of direct opposition, the pressure gets to them more and it affects them more deeply.

I wanted to argue her POV, but she didn't sound like she was in a debating mood, so I let it drop. I never considered myself lucky for dating white men--there are white men on the DL too--so I never really understood her statement or got her point. I'm not really sure what it is my sister is looking for, but there are a number of available--I think they are available--men at her job, in her apartment complex and in her neighborhood. I admit I hear that a lot from black women that there are no dateable black men out there and it frustrates and angers them. Again, not sure what they are looking for, but the primary reasons I hear is they are either on the DL or want to be with white women. I know I heard it a lot when I went home last year; I went to a concert at the park and there were groups of guys, just friends hanging out and enjoying a concert together; they were laughing and joking and passing beers around and making plans for later to get together at one's house when a black woman next to my sister made the comment, "I bet they're butt buddies. Look at them, all happy and ish while black women stay single. Don't make no sense to me," and then got up and moved to another seat, frowning in the men's direction. My sister and I exchanged looks. Those guys never struck me as gay, just close, good friends who put a lot of thought into their appearance.

I can't help but think the woman was angry or bitter about something, but maybe she had an experience with someone who turned out to be on the DL; I'm not sure. But she made it seem like every black man at the concert was in the closet and striving to avoid her or something. It was bizarre, to say the least.

I just think women should figure out what it is they want and focus on that instead seeing men as the enemy and denouncing them for not choosing them. There are a number of reasons a man may not be interested in a woman and it isn't necessarily because he's on the DL or gay. Maybe he just knows a woman isn't his type or he doesn't find her attractive or she lives too far away or something. The reasons are infinite.

*Just my twenty-two cents.