Do Men Know You’re the One? (To Wife or Not To Wife)

0 Posted by - July 8, 2010 - Guest Socks, Relationships, Love & Marriage, Video

Today’s post is a continuation of Paul Carrick Brunson’s real men think tank. Last time, the topic was “What Men Want From Women? (Physical vs. Mental)” but this one covers the all-important discussion of when and why a man decides to “wife up” a woman.

Paul jumps right into it with the following question: Is it true that when you meet a woman you immediately put her in one of two categories—either I want to wife her or no?

I’ve generally heard this philosophy applied to women when people say that a woman knows right away whether or not she’ll sleep with a man. For the most part, I’ve found that to be true but from my experience I’ve amended that thinking to: A woman may know right away whether or not she wants to sleep with you, but she won’t actually do it if you do something to piss her off. Basically, it’s all a matter of what you do or don’t do that determines if she’ll actually give up the goods.

As for a man knowing right off the bat whether a woman is “wife/wifey” material? I’m still indifferent on that one. As I’ve gotten older, though, I am more aware of when pursuing someone is a waste of my time and vice versa, but I’ve always been able to ascertain if a woman was not a life partner candidate quicker than if she was. I guess red flags are easier to detect than green ones.

Perhaps the bigger issue is that men have more time to make a selection.

The baldheaded gentleman in the clip points out that most men don’t go out each night looking for their wife—they’re just looking to have a good time. For some, that good time equates to sexual conquests and for others it’s as simple as good conversation.

The other brother answers the question in terms of whether or not a woman makes a good “candidate.” That first includes her being his “type,” and then digging deeper to see if personality-wise this is someone he even wants to pursue seriously.

The problem with the type-first approach—especially for men—is that we oftentimes get so caught up in the physical aspect that we don’t take the time out to look at the woman as a whole. Is she dumb as a rusty doorknob? Are her values and priorities all twisted? Is her sense of self wrapped up in a veil of vanity that leaves little personality for a real conversation?

Before anyone can determine any of the above, though, they have to be attracted to the person first. That’s when the discussion changes gears towards what men notice first upon meeting someone of the opposite sex. I’ll let the brothers tell you themselves…

Do you think that men know right away if a woman is wife material or not? Or do a lot of men get too tied up in the physical to really know? Is it true that women know right off the bat whether or not they want to sleep with a man? Do you agree that it’s really just a matter of whether or not he does something to blow his chances? Have you ever chosen to date someone even though you know they weren’t the one for you long-term? Why? When do you think people start to realize that continuing to engage in relationships with no real future but feel great for the moment are a waste of time? What makes a good “candidate” for you?

Speak your piece…


SAVE THE DATE: Next week, Thursday, July 15th, will be the official two-year anniversary party for Naked With Socks On and I want to see you there. No cover, no drama, just good times and good people.

We have lot to celebrate—including the launch of the Online Store, another Black Weblog Award nomination (still need your votes HERE), and the new URL—so if you’re in NYC come out next week to toast with NWSO.

There’ll be drink specials, food, and a “Dating Game” that should be super-fun for all the singles. Fellas, the ladies came out looking fierce at the Modern Day Matchmaker event last month, I expect nothing less this time so be there or be the one that wishes they were there.

It all goes down at Katra, located at 217 Bowery (between Prince & Rivington).

Presented by The ADAGroup, Grae Enterprises & Don’t Lose Your Day Job. Doors open at 5pm. 2 for 1 drink specials 5-8pm. If all goes well, this might become a regular event. :)

  • paulette_bajan_gal

    Finding a good husband or wife takes a while of dating in my opinion.They’re aspects of ourselves we do not reveal until later in most cases.And sometimes you really don’t know how someone is going to react in a certain situation until it happens.So even if you’re in love…in year 2 an incident might happen that changes your mind about marrying the person.Fast lane marriages don’t take the time to delve into the real person…they marry the rep we present in the 1st few months.

    Yes…I do know if I want to have sex with a man on 1st sight.No…I can’t decide if he’s husband material without getting to know him really well.That takes time…like years.

  • lola289

    shameless plug@7:27? lol & also luv the top pic!

    Nobody can predict whether a person is “the one” in the beginning thats why we date,court, whateva…
    For the most part we should look for good convo first…ppl make things physical too soon and thats why (I think) folks get confused.

    *Question NWSO,
    “Perhaps the bigger issue is that men have more time to make a selection.”
    What do u mean?

  • Womanofyr

    -Do you think that men know right away if a woman is wife material or not?
    I doubt it. Because their loins “talk” to them every six seconds. I’m sure they know if they want to see the woman again. But as far as wife material.. Almost anyone can be wife material. But just because someone has the right stuff, it doesn’t mean the two will be accepting and loving so that they can marry eventually.

    -Or do a lot of men get too tied up in the physical to really know?
    I think they can get caught up: the loins are “talking.” lol There would have to be some effort or desire to get to know her, before they can find out if she would be a great wife for him.

    -Is it true that women know right off the bat whether or not they want to sleep with a man?
    I usually know right away if there is that attraction. But there are other things going on for me. Is he available to me, am I available? Are we letting the sparks happen, or getting caught up in things that will not bring us together? Is his behavior a turn-off?

    -Do you agree that it’s really just a matter of whether or not he does something to blow his chances?
    I admit, if this man don’t mess it up, things will happen eventually. Yeah, I got a libido, and we available, interested, and together. Do the “math.” lol

    -Have you ever chosen to date someone even though you know they weren’t the one for you long-term? Why?
    Unfortunately, yes. Because of “loneliness.” But that can be a disaster emotionally because the man’s behaviors may be a mess (no class). Or I feel sometimes that not even sex can give us closeness or connection, so that messes things up.

    -When do you think people start to realize that continuing to engage in relationships with no real future but feel great for the moment are a waste of time?
    When the behaviors just make you sick all over. And bad social behaviors sometimes translate into bad sex (it could be all in my head because he doesn’t love me even as a friend, or just him: but still bad sex).

    -What makes a good “candidate” for you?
    Class, good social behaviors, someone to love me as a friend and lover, good integrity, etc.

  • NWSO

    Meaning, men don’t have the same biological clock as women (stereotypically) and can have kids later in life, so there isn’t as much pressure to have kids and get married. So they have “more time to make a “wife” selection.”

  • Elle

    Do you think that men know right away if a woman is wife material or not?
    – Depends on the definition of “right away”. On first sight? Hell no. First date? Still, hell no. However, I do think that it doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine – not even for men. And when a guy is head over heels for a woman he will make it known and all of his commitment fears will be out of the window. These 10 year long relationships in which some dudes still claim to not be sure are just a cop out. A man in love will want to close the deal about as early as a woman in love.

    Or do a lot of men get too tied up in the physical to really know?
    – Probably. At least in the younger years – ref: naked vs non-naked time. I’m not the hottest thing in these streets so I never really had the problem that guys only liked me for my appearance. They liked/loved me for me.

    Is it true that women know right off the bat whether or not they want to sleep with a man? Do you agree that it’s really just a matter of whether or not he does something to blow his chances?
    – Essentially.

    Have you ever chosen to date someone even though you know they weren’t the one for you long-term?
    – Not guitly. Life is too short. When it flashes in front of my eyes one day I only want to see people who mattered to me – not folks I solely spent time with because I was bored at the time.

    When do you think people start to realize that continuing to engage in relationships with no real future but feel great for the moment are a waste of time?
    – When they realize that they are not a spring chicken anymore.

    What makes a good “candidate” for you?
    – Short answer: a male version of Elle is my perfect candidate.

  • Shequita

    I think by the first conversation a person is able to tell if this is a “throw away”<—-just gonna have fun with this person or a "keeper"<—-Im open to pursuing a real relationship with this person or a person that deserves a deeper look. Some people are so WRONG for you that it may not even take more than 5 minutes of conversation. We women know whether or not we want to sleep with someone, but like you said that could change at any minute! A man telling me he hated Avatar might change my mind LOL.
    Men do get caught up on the physical and miss out on someone worthy of the title of "wife" and women sometimes get caught up on the financial. You have to have attraction but should I tell a brother not to step my way because he's two shades lighter than my liking?? No! A good candidate for me would be intelligent, GREAT sense of humor,self sufficient, humble and confident, open minded and a good friend and lover.

  • TJ

    I love that this is the topic of dicussion for today, esp. after I just had a conversation with my ex-guy last night on this very subject.

    No, I don’t believe that men can identify wife material right away. I definitely believe that it takes time to “truly” learn who/how a person is to make an honest determination. I do believe that many move all too quickly towards the physical aspect and ruin the opportunity of getting to know each other. There may be some exceptions, but I’ve yet to hear the success stories of them.

    The older I get, the better I understand that quality is so not superficial or instantaneous.

  • bogart4017

    I don’t think (as a man) that men know “right away” if a woman is “wife material”. I have heard of men meeting a woman and saying “this is the woman i will make my wife” but that was years and years ago. Generationally things change and people arent the same as they were, say, post WWII. So now men (like women) kinda lay back and watch you in certain situations to see how you handle yourself and then they decide.
    Women may decide right off the bat that they “might” sleep with you but they don’t all act on it right away. Some of them wait around for you to do something to screw it up (or not). So maybe they just pick out good “bed partner material” lol.
    Everybody doesnt date to pick a life-time partner. Some people like companionship. Or in my case years ago i use to like to dance. If you were a good dancer and could hang then yes i would date you. That doesnt make you wife material. Something else has to be brought to the table.
    A good candidate for me is an all-around woman. If theres nothing going on “up north” nothing will be going on “down south”.

  • Nama

    My husband tells me he knew he wanted to marry me after our first year together. At the end of the first year, he said his Dad always told him “Wait a year from the day you think you are sure, if you are still sure a year on, then do it.” And that’s exactly what he did. 2yrs into our relationship he proposed. 6mnths later we were married in an intimate no-fuss wedding :-)

    Do you think that men know right away if a woman is wife material or not?
    I think they know whether or not the relationship is worth pursuing or not.

    Or do a lot of men get too tied up in the physical to really know?
    It happens, but a man who knows that he wants a serious relationship leading to marriage is less likely to get caught up in the physical.

    Is it true that women know right off the bat whether or not they want to sleep with a man?

    Do you agree that it’s really just a matter of whether or not he does something to blow his chances?

    Have you ever chosen to date someone even though you know they weren’t the one for you long-term?

    He was a fascinating person…and he contributed to making me the person I am today. I knew from day one marriage wasn’t in the cards, but it was a relationship that was well worth it nonetheless.

    When do you think people start to realize that continuing to engage in relationships with no real future but feel great for the moment are a waste of time?
    It depends on what you want. I didn’t know I wanted marriage and kids, until my now-husband brought it to my attention. I would have been happy to keep dating just because. I don’t believe marriage is the end all and be all.

    What makes a good “candidate” for you?
    Like I said, I didn’t even know I wanted to get married until my now-husband made it clear that he was interested in marriage. It’s a running joke in his family, that he dragged me to the altar! I know it’s not a very precise answer, but a “good” candidate I’ve found is one who can be your best friend. To me it’s that simple. In the 2yrs we dated, he became my best friend. More best friend to me than my own twin sister. That’s how I knew.

  • Greg Dragon

    I call bull on the premise that we know wife material immediately, maybe for a small minority but for single guys dating, not so much (not in my experience). Most of the men I know who married did so out of high school… the older ones were a mix of marrying because they couldn’t see themselves doing any better, children agenda (one guy married a woman because she was near 40 and he wanted to get his kids quick) or religious dogma pushed them to do it.

    Personally the women who I would have married from past relationships were never my”type” per se. I find that our types are shallow at best and a beautiful woman that doesn’t annoy, emasculate or berate us can grow to be “wife material” a lot easier than the woman of your dreams that just happens to be an insecure bish with daddy issues.

    Just my 2 cents, I don’t buy it, I have never separated women mentally into “wife” and “not wife” categories. Typically women start out strong and their representative is wife material but once the rep goes away, the real person is far from ideal forcing us to push on to greener pastures.

  • Tiffany

    I believe a man looks a woman and decides whether she is worth the effort of getting know but or just smashing. I know that I know from the first bit of our conversation whether I plan on sleeping with a guy, whether it be that night or in the future. But the first thing in my mind is, “do I even like this person”. You either are going to turn me on or turn me off, there is no in between for me. Yes I have dated the “time being” guy several times. I may have enjoyed his company, but knew there was no future. I find nothing wrong with it as long as I am not leading him on to think that there is a possibility of a future. Yes I hate wasting my time, but while I am looking for mister right, I can hang out with mister wrong, all while keeping my goodies to myself.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  • The Duchess

    Nama, I SOOOO feel you on EVERYTHING you have written!! Your responses are so SPOT on that it gave me chills! I wish you & your husband the BEST cause the foundation that the two of you have laid is the reason why your marriage WILL be successful!! Congratulations!

    Husband/Wife MUST be you best friend in order for the marriage to last! That is real talk :)

  • Newbie99

    It differs from person to person though. I am also of the opinion of taking time to get to know someone. However, I know that formula is not a sure thing. We have seen marriages work where both parties dated for 6mths and some that dated for 6 yrs.

  • TJ

    Lol! Well said :-)

  • TJ

    Tiffany, I couldn’t agree with you more on having a clear understanding my interactions with Mr. Wrong, or I would say Mr. Just4Now, until Mr. Right enters. This is also a way to gain a good friend in the process.

  • Ms. Wise

    I don’t believe men are concerned about a women being wife material or not right away. I think in the beginning, men have no expectations-they just see where the relationship goes. A lot of men get too tied up in the physical, only to find later that she is shallow or lack personality.
    Women do know right off the bat whether or not they would sleep with a man. I say this because you know with out hesitation who you wouldn’t sleep with. The thing is, every man you meet can’t “get it”. Only time will tell if he’s patient enough to wait for it. While being single, I had the freedom to date whom ever. Some of the guys I dated, I knew weren’t ideal for long-term. After insisting on my number, with no expectations, I accepted the offer. I explained to them in the beginning that I didn’t want anything from them-but they would always want to spend more time with me etc. I had to learn that a free meal is not worth a “bug-a-boo”. From personal experience-someone’s feelings get hurt or either you’re misunderstood. Either way-I have so many male friends I didn’t need any more or even though I put them (the men I dated but had no serious interest in) in the “friendship” category I was giving them false hope by giving them my time. The bottom line is-you shouldn’t waist your time or theirs if you know from jump there is no real future.

  • Miss Conception

    Maybe I am the devil’s advocate… or perhaps the devil reincarnated (jk jk), but with this topic I am going to have disagree. You all are on the same page as far as “some men” but leave to that reference that “some men” are capable of finding a wife or love at first sight. I think with this generation, especially generation Y which I happen to be in, we focus more upon our identity and individuality than upon society and others. We are “soul searching” trying to identify our true meaning and purpose to life before others follow suit. I am not going to front because I am the same, but don’t knock someone off the ladder because his/her goal in life doens’t match yours. I learned that the hard way because some of my friends are in college and some aren’t. That doesn’t mean I am on a higher horse than him/her, it just mean that my purpose in life doesn’t involve someone else.

    Now, back to why I have to play devil’s advocate? The men in the video didn’t seem to be different from each other. I think it would’ve helped if perhaps one was hopeless romantic guy, you got the wannabe jock, the loner… something along the line where they aren’t exactly saying the same thing in different demeanor. Like, they all basically look for the physical features. That’s cool, but Imma need a variety of panelist that perhaps don’t look at the features so much as her profile or perhaps her family background or something. I don’t believe that all men are physical creatures. I have seen some men with WTF women and they are fine with a capital F. So don’t go there with me.

    Also, I do believe that everyone has been placed on earth for various reasons and grew up in households of different belief. So, some men were told that education is important, other men were told to value family. So, some men can’t find a wife at first sight because that is not what he is looking for. Nobody is jocking you, hell I am not because I don’t do that to men either. I have slept with men that I had no intentions of sleeping with, does that make me wrong because my goal isn’t to choosey of who I sleep with but who I acquaint myself? Of course not. However, some men can pick and choose wifey material because instead of looking for someone to fuck, or share good conversations with he is looking for Mrs. Right, and not Mrs. Right now at this very moment. I have a friend who is looking for his Mrs. _______ (can’t reveal last names here) and can determine from the bat whether she is the one for him or not. He decided to value family over education or fun.

    So… I am sorry about this, but I cannot back ya’ll up on this one. That day is coming, but today isn’t that day.

  • Dc Man With a Plan

    Over time a man knows if a woman is wife material, but we can also be convinced by person’s we trust, like mom or a close sister, that THIS woman is the one and it’s time to settle down. It’s best when a man reaches this opinion on his own, bcuz odds are better it will last, but sometimes the women close to us do us a favor by needling us about the future and how we need to slow down and smell some roses b4 all your money is being spent on child support to multiple baby-mama’s….. In hindsight a man might say ” I knew when I met her” she was the one, but 85 percent of the time, it doesn’t happen instantly. Remember, men are immature, game playing son of a gun’s. There are only so many NWSO’s out there. Most of us are tryin to get all the honey we can in a short period of time, then we’ll slow down and look for long term relationships; start looking real close at our inter-actions with women, and then finally take all that experience and move towards finding “the one” so we can settle down and begin a family, but this process will involve several women b4 it’s done. We might come back to one, but we are not going through this evaluation process with ONE woman.

  • Shannon

    Men don’t fall in love; they grow into it. It’s never love at first sight, but more about where they are in life–are they where they want to be professionally, financially and education-wise? If not, he will not be seeking a life partner, regardless of how long he stays with a woman.

    Personally, I don’t think men want to get married anymore; I mean, why get married when you have have all the fun, perks and fringe benefits without having to say “I do,” right? At least that’s what I get from my male friends and coworkers.

    I’m not sexually active and I don’t date–at least not at the present; I was seeing someone but we decided to take a hiatus–but when I was dating, there was never a man I met with whom I felt or thought about getting physical. I wanted something deeper, but men really don’t want that. I mean, they say they do, but they really don’t; they just say that because that’s what women want to hear.

    I will admit, I am looking for the cream in my coffee, but most men are only looking for the flavor of the month. A lot of times it’s because all they look for is red flags instead of white ones–or green, if you dig that–and it then becomes a process of why she’s not right instead of why she is. Mainly this is because men look at the worst case scenario instead of the best.

    My husband was the sweetest man and he loved me, but it wasn’t overnight; it took some time. A lot of it had to do with timing; he was where he wanted to be in his career and financially, so he felt it was time to get married.

    In short, I don’t believe in love at first sight. That comes from having a fantasy, an idea of a person and believe me when the truth comes out, the fantasy explodes, like when a man meets this beautiful woman who charms him and then he finds out she has seven children with six different men and no education or the woman who meets this handsome businessman who sweeps her off her feet only to find out that the business he owns consists of selling comic books from his parents’ basement–where he lives. The eyes can fool the heart, but the heart cannot fool the mind.

    • Hydrabadchik

      Sure the heart can fool the mind – happens all of the time.

  • lola289

    yea thanks for clearing that up… I figured that what u meant…
    my cousin said that to me once… thats has to be one of the dumbest statements ever… So we gotta get a man huh? pffft! give me a break!

  • NWSO

    See, now, I didn’t say anyone had to get anything. so pffft x2 LOL.

    Just saying there’s a longer grace period if you’re into that sort of thing

  • NWSO

    That first paragraph: GOLDEN!!!

    I had to tweet it

  • Miss Conception

    I would have to disagree. Again, some people are one way and some are the other way. Just because it hasn’t happened to you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. In your world, love at first sight doesn’t exist. But in someone’s world it does exist. People who are looking for the one will find it. It relates back to the depression discussion. Some people have their good and bad experiences and deal with them at different levels. Same thing comes with love. Men are just as capable of women to fall in love. So I wouldn’t give men excuses for their incapability.

    Shannon, if you keep talking like this, you won’t find a man that finds deeper meaning to life besides career than love than marriage. It’s a vicious cycle, and that energy is getting you. I believe that you will not only find a man who can be deep, but spend the rest of your life with him. The more you give that attitude, the more men you attrat that will just be into the physical. You definitely deserve better, so give these men the impression that you are better than that. Have these lil’ boys step off and make room for your “real man” (only in quotes because I want to accentuate real man. Sounds good doesn’t it?) I am not trying to advise you or anything of that nature, just letting you know that energy does exist especially with us. The energy you exert some of it will return while the rest is lost in space. That is besides the point, just give those men the energy of “don’t fuck with me if you are a lil’ boy.”

    • Hydrabadchik

      Please stop making dire, negative predictions for people just because they don’t agree with you.

      Someone else could come along and say to you – if you continue to live in a dreamworld and believe in fairy tales – you’ll wind up getting lied to, fooled and hurt.

      Some people experience great results with a jaundiced eye and others get there by being less guarded.  BOTH styles of thinking are valid, thank you.

  • Sweet Pea

    When I read some of the comments, I feel like some women live in a Tyler Perry movie where every good black woman gets married, after some reformed rake (yes I used the word rake) black man eloquently if somewhat sappily proves his love. While part of me wants to scream at those women “Look around you, you live in the REAL world”; I have to give them credit for holding on to such a strong fantasy in a world that clearly is against it.

    As for me, and my pragmatic ways I agree totally with Shannon, and I will add on to it: Women should be the same way. We (women) jump on the bandwagon of proving to some guy that we’re worthy of becoming wifey. Instead, I think we should be looking at how to grow individually to a certain level and find true happiness in that, whether it includes marriage or not.

  • lola289

    pfftx2? lol!
    whateva dude! its all good

  • lola289

    @Shannon and Sweet Pea, I agree wholeheartedly! Sadly though my conditioning as a child messed me up but I am tryin to control my emotions…
    I can’t even talk to dudes sometimes…all they want is sex…its in the eyes. (ok, that does sound paranoid!)
    Shannon, I agree, they say they want more, BUT…’lets screw 1st for a better connection’. Give me a break!
    WTF is wrong w/ relationships today?
    I think I was born in the wrong era! lol

  • QuoteMan

    Unless a man is on “some quest”, I don’t see how he could come to the conclusion that, a woman he’s just met is a wifey material. You could meet a good woman but that doesn’t necessarily makes her a wifey material.

    I for one may not know if a woman is wifey material from the jump, but I damn sure don’t need all things to come to a head before knowing she is not.

  • 404kim

    I’ve met a few guys that have stated they knew immediately they were going to marry a chick. As a matter of fact, I’ve heard this more often than not…

  • 404kim

    Granted I didn’t read every response so I apologize if someone already said this but…
    I think that if a man does meet a woman and says “I’m going to marry her! Thats my future wife!!!” He will do what it takes to make it happen. If a man wants to be with you – he will. Period. Because I know this it is extremely easy for me to tell when a guy is truly interested. They will drive wherever, spend whatever, do whatever,be whatever, or just whatever to spend time with a woman they WANT to be with. True story… If a man has it in his mind that he is to marry a certain woman. He will do what it takes to make it happen.

  • Rastaman

    I am a big believer that much in this life is about timing, so the idea of being able to quickly identifying on first meeting who is wifey and who is not does not jibe. That’s like being a job waiting for an applicant and if that was true how come so many relationships end in firings. I have been in the relationship with the instant physical chemistry and I have been where the personal chemistry was off the charts. So I have come to know who and what is wifey material but at the end of the day do they consider you hubby material?

    Quick categorizations at first encounter are at best superficial. Sure she may look like the type of woman you wouldn’t mind walking hand in hand with down the street but there are also a whole host of things about her that are unknown. I do hope men are not falling into these “chick flick” scenario thinking “I knew I would marry her one day, the first time I saw her…”

    That is the exception not the rule, its not totally out of the question, it just very unlikely to happen like that. Most of us may not be aware of this but one of the reasons we date is not just about finding out if the other person is someone to spend the rest of our lives with but also to learn what are the qualities in others we find appealing as well as unappealing. I have dated people under all kinds of scenarios: blind dates, online dating, casual encounters, at the club, myriads of ways and I never looked at any of those women I met under any of ths scenarios as being wifey or not.

    I was always willing to take the time to get to know them initially, some were more appealing than others, some were just in my life at an opportune time and some no matter their initial appeal were just not the person I was looking for. But I try to take the time to know enough before deciding with whom I could have a future.
    How long?
    It could be the first encounter or months.

    But hey since I am still single and looking I may be doing it all wrong, I don’t think so because I am not unhappy about my choices. The truth is dating for a many people is pretty much a game and like they say: “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game!!”

    • Hydrabadchik

      EVery woman here who has said something you disagree is already hating the game.  This is what that looks like.

  • 404kim

    ::sign:: Dating IS a game. And that is why I hate it! I absolutely cannot stand dating!
    It sucks.
    For real.

    I am a relationship woman – even though I’ve been single for a very long time. I’d so much rather have ONE dude who I spend my time with as opposed to 4 or 5 I date.

    I’ll be so glad when this season is over…

  • The Duchess

    I agree with some of the points Shannon made..

    I agree with some of the points Miss Conception made..

    Sweet Pea.. Your last paragraph is ON POINT!!!

  • Miss Conception

    Hey hey Hey… In I can Do Bad By Myself that man happens to not be black… Just saying

    Like I said, not knock people off their horse because their ideal isn’t yours. What is reality to you isn’t exactly reality to me. You want reality, the only things that are real is what you believe to be real in your own world. Like my friend had said, just because I believe in Jesus, doesn’t mean everyone else does. He is realistic to me, but prolly not to an Atheist or a Buddhist. So don’t be quick to judge a person’s stance on his/her view of romance.

    • Hydrabadchik

      Well, this I believe  – Don’t be quick to judge a person’s stance on his/her view of romance…

  • Miss Conception

    Well, to be honest, I believe everything happens for a reason. You are prolly single because there are other aspects and factors in your life that are still incomplete. Perhaps that “one” for you will help you to fulfill those missing pieces, and perhaps you are supposed to fulfill those yourself so that when you do meet “her” it will not interfere. In a way, I operate along the same lines as you. I never really try to determine whether he is worthy of marrying or having sex with until I know for sure his company is well welcomed. To me, it is hard to determine who is truly right for you because he could be totally wrong. I have tried my hardest in the only relationship I maintained for four years to make it work. I felt like we needed to grow together through trials and tribulations. After a while I realized that those trials and tribulations made us more separate than equal or grown together. In my heart, I knew he wasn’t meant for me, in my mind it was a challenge I came out defeated. But, I do believe things happen for a reason. I will live to tell that tale, but with you those women you encountered will also be a tale to tell to your son or daughter one day.

  • Shannon

    Coming from you, that’s a great honor. :)

  • Shannon

    I totally agree with you on that. If a man wants a woman, nothing will keep him away. If he doesn’t want a woman, nothing can make him stay. Even a busy man will make room and time for a woman in his life if he really wants her, even if it means rearranging his schedule and scaling back on Boyz Night Out. If he wants her, he will make it happen.

    However, if he isn’t interested, he won’t come right out and say so; he’ll drop hints, either through conversation or behavior, that he wants to part ways. He’ll make plans with you and don’t even bother to show up or promise to call and never does or even worse just disappear without a word or warning. Guys, please, if you don’t want me, be a man and tell me to my face. I don’t care what your ex did or what your best friend said; it is a far, far better thing to dump me to my face than to just leave things hanging without at least the semblance of closure. I’m a big girl; trust me I can take it.

  • Shannon

    It is a rare man who isn’t concerned about his career or financial status. My primary issue in dating is I don’t get down. Period. These days, men have come to expect sex as part of the dating exercise and I have to say sorry, not happening. It’s actually the best way to separate the grain from the chaff, so to speak.

    I may not have the experience most people have, but on the other hand, I never had those experiences either. I’ve never had the experience of dating someone and getting physical and then ending things and starting over with a relationship and new partner over and over again. I’ve never had the experience of having a man pursue me and then after sleeping with him, never hearing from him again, but I know several women who have. It’s easy to say, “Well, he wasn’t worth my time if he left,” or “Oh well, it’s his loss,” but not after having given up so much of yourself; it is not okay for me. I get tired of every time I meet someone and tell him upfront there will be no sex he says he can deal with that but before long starts bringing it up and then dwelling on it and watching him walk away from me, a decent woman, to be with a woman who not only will sleep with him, but does it on the first date. I get tired of men telling me I’m worth less than nothing because I’m being stingy. A man is not going to get married if he is still completing his education, climbing the career ladder or not in a financial position to support a family and I am well aware of that. I just wish these career men would stay on the sidelines until they are ready to get in the game.

    I know what my experiences are and have been. And I stand firmly by what I said. If men can’t deal with that, well and good. I get along with myself. The only man for me died a year ago yesterday.

  • Shannon

    So was I, lol. But my parents–there’s a generation gap there, which makes my parents the same generation as most great-grandparents because some of my siblings are already in their fifties and sixties–raised me with the values and virtues of their time and while most people would find such values out of date and behind the times, I would have to say whether or not those values are out of date, if most people followed them they could avoid a lot of the pain and heartbreak they face today. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t piss me off, but it’s easier to walk away from a man when there hasn’t been any sex because there is no strong bond. Sex actually heightens feelings of bonding–for women, anyway–and this is far too often the reason why women put in so much blood, sweat and tears trying to make something work when it clearly doesn’t. Sex really complicates things and what’s sad is no one is willing to fess up to that.

  • Womanofyr

    I really do not like the idea of women being judge as not being wifey material. However, I may have made that same judgment by saying some men are not long-term material.

    We turn it into a judging thing. Maybe it’s with good reason, or not. But basically we just saying we don’t like that person: We don’t feel emotionally safe, don’t want to raise kids with them, or whatever.

    So I guess we are all the same, somehow. shrug.

  • Sherell

    @Rastaman I agree quick categorization are superficial. But for the unexperience that may be all they have as a point of reference.

    I think people are confusing meeting someone and thinking initially that you really want to get to know them better because of a strong physical or personal initial attraction. In many cases, these feelings fade and then there are the rare times people do sustain a special relationship and later say ” I knew it the moment I met him or her” .

    But marriage is MAJOR and for those of us who have benn married for some length of time realize the work involved. Its better to put in the work upfront then to suffer later. Deciding who your mate is is so much more……………

    It deciding who you can be with for better or for worse and how you go about doing that. It involves Character, Communication, Common Purpose,Emotional Connection, levels or Respect, Admiration, Trust, Acceptance, Reassurance ,Understanding, Validation, Devotion, Encouragment, Appreciation, Approval, Safety and Peace!

  • Miss Conception

    What I am wondering is: why is it that I feel I am the only open minded person to topics like these? Now granted, I do encounter a lot of men who do seek physical features and want to have sex. But, has it ever occured that not all men are like this? You can get what you want, it is upon you to go get it. So these generalizations of men just because this is who you have encountered bothers me just as much as men make generalizations about women. Case in point: all black women have attitudes. I hate to say it, but since when did all black women join in a convention in order to determine we must walk around with attitudes? Don’t get you panties tied in a knot because you don’t know how to properly speak or treat a black woman. We aren’t the only ones with attitudes. And I specifically detest that because I have endured a lot of things from black men for that generalization statement to apply.

  • Dc Man With a Plan

    This is the typs of non-sense SOMe women still try to perpetuate, the myth that men don’t want to settle down bcuz they’re getting all the bennies, meaning sex, companionship, etc,. How about a tax break for being a legal couple? How about wanting to have your kids and the mother of your kids share your last name? It’s B/S and a cop-out for women to say men don’t wanna marry bcuz “women GIVE so much.” The very notion of “women giving” and men taking is lopsided and reduces a man to a user who does not contribute anything to a relationship. what a crock of B/S. Antiquated ideas of a bygone era’s gender roles are what some women attempt to enforce, but the problem is Y’aLL are free, now. U want him to put a ring on it–be worthy of him putting a ring on it and don’t be afraid to demand he put a ring on it; also, don’t be afraid to be by yourself–in case no one wants what you have to offer, since y’all sittin around, waiting for Mr Right, but too afraid to initiate conversation, pay for a date or do anything else that is not apart of your fantasy of the dating process………smdh

  • Miss Conception

    For the first time, I can agree with what you say. It is a rigged system that many of us get caught up in. But I do believe that relationshis are about equality. We must learn that it isn’t about I get mine and you can hopefully find yours. What the hell is that?

    Why is it that women expect a ring from a man when it can easily be reversed? Hell, there was a moment when I wanted to put a ring on my ex boyfriend. He refused because of the gender role issues, but next guy will def get it. :-)
    DC, don’t get discouraged for there are a few things men emphasize upon a relationship like women do. Especially when it comes to who will take care of the babies, who wil pay the bills… blah blah blah… this discussion will never really get old

    • Rastaman

      DC, I am going to have to co-sign with you on this one.
      Y'all Free, Act like you got some sense!!

      You all give men too much power and yourselves too little.

      You gonna give away your happiness and then blame the other person for taking it. Ladies, woman up and stop the bitching. If you can't deal with men, either switch teams or shut the hell up. Whine, whine, whine!!

      Ask all the unhappy lesbians in bad relationships if men are at fault too?

      Relationships are cooperative projects, you either work together or you working against each other. Anybody, man or woman who doesn't get that is always going to get it wrong.

      Men love sex and what?
      You wanna get sex on your terms, then do it, just don't complain when no one wants to comply. Market forces are determining who wants to buy what . Nobody wants your ZUNE, so either starts selling Ipods or close shop.

  • Sherell

    They may capable of finding a wife at first sight but not keeping that wife because a lack of due diligence!!!

  • lola289

    “Sex actually heightens feelings of bonding–for women”
    Rev. Juanita Bynum talks about it in her sermon, “No More Sheets”

  • Vita

    Maybe God is telling me to turn lesbian cuz men dont know shiiiiit

  • Elle

    AMEN!!! You are again so on point. This exactly mirrors my experiences with men. It’s not so much about the woman in their life at any given point but where a man is in his life in general.

    And that seems to be exactly the opposite approach to us women. We look at the individual man and figure we can adjust life around the relationship while men set up their life and then make a woman fit into it.

  • QuoteMan

    On no account would I espouse what ideals women should conform to but HOLD UP! Did you really consider proposing to a dude? That’s hilarious, it’s one thing to ask a dude out but to propose is…………crazy funny.

    To be that athirst for marriage and consider putting a ring on a dude’s finger screams desperation. IMO, the sole reason a woman would make this kinda move is so her finger wouldn’t be devoid of a ring.

    Now, if a woman was to ask me for my ring finger, she might as well flip me her middle finger because that would be the only finger in use, at that moment. LOL

    You know what, though? Gotta give it up to any woman who’d make such a move because that takes some balls.

  • Shannon

    Coming from a woman who thinks all men should dive headfirst into a live volcano–a throwback to my very fist post on this blog–I admit I am guilty of generalizing men, but on the other hand if all you meet are men with a sexual agenda, that’s all you have to go on. Whether or not anyone wants to admit it, we make generalizations based on personal experiences. Life is not based on information from the outside flowing, but on what the brain, based on past experiences, expects to happen next. IMO black women have a right to have an attitude; they want stability and commitment from men who seem to think they are entitled to all the fringe benefits and perks of marriage without the obligation and commitment, with no responsibility beyond the bedroom. I think if men got their act together and learned how to treat women–or should I say respect?–be a gentleman and walk the straight and narrow instead of always thinking they have to scheme and lie and play games to get laid, relationships wouldn’t be as complicated; it’s along the same lines as protecting oneself from crime instead of targeting the criminals. I personally don’t think men really get it. I really think men just don’t understand how their behavior and how they treat women really affects us and sadly, the men who come after him. If men are going to treat women like another commodity, all I can say is men, don’t get mad when a woman comes off with attitude or lays down the law with you. Sometimes you make it necessary with your selfishness and cluelessness.

    *Another reason why I sleep alone.

    • Hydrabadchik

      It’s not that men don’t get it – It’s that they do – LITerally.  Men are already getting what they want.  Why should they change?

      WE’re the ones who are unhappy.  WE’re not getting what WE want so we wish men were different.

  • NWSO

    LOL you’re a fool for that one.

  • Miss Conception

    Desperate? See, that would be exactly why gender role continues to exist. The guy and I have been together at that moment for almost 3 years, and I wouldn’t call it desperate but determined to live my life with someone. I am actually not as old as I make myself sound, but thought I was ready for that part of my life. I actually don’t understand why is it that men complain about how women enforce gender roles and want to be independent when clearly this is a clear cut example of how men can’t handle a woman to know whether he is the one for her? Just because a man proposes to me does that mean I will have to say yes? Of course not, he is just in the same pool of rejection as I am. It’s not about fulfilling the life path of career->date->marriage->children->grandchildren->retirement->the end. I don’t have to be married, but if I find someone worthy of my time and I feel it is right for us to spend MY life with him, I don’t see a problem proposing.

  • lola289

    ahhh… vita so sad, but dont do it! lesbians r prolly worst! lol!

  • Miss Conception

    Basically. yeah i am asking men to dive headfirst into the volcano since diving in from your feet won’t make a difference for feeling the great amount of heat. LOL. Now you got me wondering how else he could dive in? lol. I do, because I gave up having morals. I feel more free not having any real responsibilities to give back to society. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t steal or kill or anything, but at the same time I believe that if I want to do something in life like have a threesome with a stranger or marry someone from only knowing him for six months, why should anyone care? It’s my life and my fault to deal with consequences. I do believe in respect, but only if I show that respect back. Is it wrong that I try not to categorize my life in a certain box because everyone else wants me? I hope not and if so maybe I should find myself another blog.

    I think it is wrong to generalize things because your life experience is your life experience. I am sure you didn’t stay with someone for four years just so that the guy could run off with another woman and get her pregnant. But why should I who have been through that generalize that men play games? Women play the same one and trust me I have seen it in the making. Ladies, if you want these men to stop playing games, teach them to not play with others emotions instead of getting mad and do nothing about it. Naw naw naw… I know the right man is out there for me who feels the same way I do. Who believes that you can set your path the way you want it to go. To understand there is so much to life besides what you know, but to become an expertise in your knowledge so no one can ever take that away from you. To know that you will never really find yourself until you have ended your journey in life, and that in actually you just set upon where life goes from here to each end of the chapter. To serve the same amount of respect as you expect to receive, and to never settle for less. The list goes on, but those are keen points to me. He exists, and I will have my damn Tyler Perry and Love and Basketball moment because i know there are good things about black people in which doesn’t always have to be displayed in a negative demeanor.

  • QuoteMan

    Ok, correct me if I’m wrong, when a woman is determined to live her life with someone (worthy of her time), she should do the honors and propose. You could call it what you want; I call it desperation.

    Should you succeed, rest assured the onus would be on you to make it work or else………….

    BTW, in this situation, does the guy get to keep his last name or adopt yours? Just kiddin’

    *liberalism at its best* SMH

  • Miss Conception

    Actually, you will have to change your last name to Mr. Conception. That is what is says in my rule book. LOl

    And I wouldn’t call it liberalism. Perhaps misconception. Because at best, your concept is the guy proposes to the woman and she says yes. But, it is a a missed concept when the woman proposes to the dude. Especially if the dude has the nerve to say yes. Am I wrong on this one? What is next? for the man to stay home and take care of the children while the woman is the provider and watches Sunday Night Football? Madness I say madness!!! The world has truly come to an end. ;-)

  • Miss Conception

    This is weird… but I am unsure of how to see recent comments.

    • NWSO

      Come back in a few hours, I'm doing some site updates.

  • Jara

    Hey, there's a new comment system. Threaded is good. I like the roundtable video.

    On to your questions.

    Do you think that men know right away if a woman is wife material or not?

    I agree with you that (some) men (may) recognize red flags, which puts a woman in the "not wife material" category. However, some men will try to fit a square peg into a round hole if they're attracted to the woman physically or sexually. I've been in situations where we're obviously (to me) incompatible, yet the guy keeps trying to make the relationship work/progress. I believe that mature men (people) know what's good for them and will make moves to lock-in permanent happiness.

    Or do a lot of men get too tied up in the physical to really know?

    See above.

    Is it true that women know right off the bat whether or not they want to sleep with a man?

    Again, I agree with you that women know whether or not we're attracted to a man, so we know if he has a chance to get some cookies. It's completely up to him to seal the deal (or not) with his actions, though.

    Do you agree that it’s really just a matter of whether or not he does something to blow his chances?

    See above.

    Have you ever chosen to date someone even though you know they weren’t the one for you long-term? Why?

    Hell yes. That's my dating pattern. Because I didn't want to "settle down", was just looking for fun/experimentation, the type of man I like to date is not the type of man that I want to marry, I feel/felt that I have/had plenty of time to select a long-term mate later. Despite wanting to get married and have children some day, my biological clock still isn't ticking.

    When do you think people start to realize that continuing to engage in relationships with no real future but feel great for the moment are a waste of time?

    When they learn themselves, develop their relationship values and begin thinking beyond the present. Or when all of their friends are settling down (like mine :-/ ).

    What makes a good “candidate” for you?

    Considerate, attractive, diverse, funny, honest, similar values/approaches to relationships & life. Not necessarily in that order.

  • doobiebro

    Ahhhhh, the timeless question of whether one knows if the opposite sex is "wifey" material…the short answer is it depends on what frame of mind one is in while dating. Both men and women have the "on-the-prowl" mode and act accordingly; however, one may also truly be interested in dating exclusively and seek a potential mate who they vibe with…this can usually be determined in the first date or so and if the conversation is slammin', the physical is booming, and the chemistry is there for both sexes it's a sure bet things will be on and poppin'. Women definitely know within 15 minutes into a conversation whether or not the man is a potential bed-mate :0)

  • LOL

    That is a good point Jara I have personally experienced trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole. That can be a a painful process especially when strong emotions are tied into the other person. I can say that it matured me b/c I realized that this particular female did not have the traits of wifey at all but I tried for 2 years to make it work. But the next relationship I get in I will keep my eyes wide open not be blinded. If you have the "on the prowl mind set " you might make a bad descision the threesome is not the one you take home to the family lol.

  • Twin Girl

    Why is it that women are SO determined to comment on what men think, when they've never ever been a man? This is what causes all the problems in dating in my opinion. If more women would spend more time listening to what the guy across the table is actually saying as opposed to deciding what he is thinking or trying to be "wifey material", then the answer to the question, "wifey or not wifey" would matter less. This woman would be living in the moment, having a good time and znd making her own decision instead of waiting on him to categorize her.

  • M King

    If you have never been married I don’t think you have any credibility to speak on this matter. Furthermore if you don’t have a real relationship with God, you have no credibility on this issue. All men that I know whom have a real relationship with God knew immediately when they met their wives. It is biblical that the man finds her and not the other way around.

  • paty

    No I believe in lust at first sight! Love is such a strong word. And if you are going to use it, make sure you know what it means. Cause it hurts to hear and know that you don’t mean it.

  • knighthonor

    That is so not true Shannon on that first part about men not falling in love.

    Some guys just like not being tied down. But many men fall in love, even when they dont even have a job to support a family.

    Many Men want to get Married. Its just most women push them away at some point. I see this a lot in the Black Community. No Black Man wants to be tied down to somebody who is just a masculine as he is at times, and would be willing to kill you. Black Men have the highest rate over any other race of men, to be killed by their wife/girlfriends.

    American Black Women, seem to not value self respect anymore. They sleep around sometimes, and have tons of unprotected sex. Who wants to settle down with a woman like that?