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Would You Defend a Cheating Relative? (Pregnant Mistress)

Posted by NWSO • July 26, 2010 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I have a [male] cousin and he has a wife that’s great with the family. They have a son who is almost two and I love them dearly. For the five years they’ve been dating, my cousin cheated on her with two of her friends, and got another girl pregnant. The baby is due in August and she’s 1,000% positive that the baby is his.

Now my cousin's wife, who’s like a big sis to me, married him so he didn't have to pay child support and wouldn't go to jail for not paying. He’s a good dad when he’s around but he leaves for days without so much as a call or even a text and comes back when he pleases. He has no job and I'm the one comforting his wife when she cries over him and when her son is screaming for his dad.

My cousin's wife came to me and said she’s ready to divorce him and ready to take care of her son. Her problem is that she feels like she’s the failure for not (exact quote) "being able to keep her husband's dick in his pants!" And she has said if it wasn't for their child together, she would've broken up with him a long time ago.

Now, remembering that I’m one of my cousin's favorite cousins and he sometimes confides in me, and the new relationship I have with his wife is growing where she also confides in me; I am not sure what my position is or should be. After my cousin got caught up with the baby mama and the wife, he’s decided he wants to take his own life. He’s been talking about this for about six months and knowing friends and other people who have killed themselves, his wife, baby mama, and I are at a loss.

We tried to tell him that's a bitch move to not to deal with the problems he brought himself. I don't want to say he’s doing this for attention, but his baby mama has seen him hurt himself intentionally and then accuse his wife of getting him jumped and she doesn't know anyone in the area he lives in (his baby mama and wife live about an hour to two hours away from him).

I'm not 100% sure what I am looking for as a response from this but I'm 19. The three of them are all 24 and I'm the one giving advice! I'm going college for psychology/counseling but I don't even have a degree yet! Can you give me any advice to pass on to the people involved? I’ve talked to all of them and the ladies are fine as long as he takes care of his. He on the other side doesn't want his marriage to end but she said if the baby is his then she can’t do it anymore. He says he doesn’t care about the other girl.

Like I said, I'm 19 and though I want to help the world this might be too much too soon. Then again, any advice would be WONDERFUL right now! Thank you in advance, but if you are stumped then that’s okay, too. This is a lot to handle at one time from the outside in but still I thank you for taking the time out to read this.

Sincerely,

Psychology Student W/Problemz!!!

Dear Wonder Cousin,

You're right, this is definitely a multi-layered story. As for whose side you should take, my gut says the person you feel is right in this situation and that sounds like the wife. I know your cousin is family/blood but he clearly ain't doing the right thing. Not only did he cheat on his wife with two of her friends (WTF kinda friends are those?), but he could have a baby by another woman on the way.

ThatsABadLook.com.

Not sure about you, but that doesn't sound like your cousin is the "good guy" in this scenario. If you agree with that assessment, then picking a "side" shouldn't be too hard. You can still love your cousin and call him out on his BS at the same time.

Now as for the potential suicide attempts, that adds a whole other dynamic to the equation. My initial reaction was he sounds like he's trying to play mind games to come off like the victim, BUT I take claims of that nature very seriously—especially after you say that he's hurt himself already and you guys know people that have taken their own life.

With that said, that's a lot for anyone to handle, let alone a 19-year-old. I know people of color are opposed to psychological help or counseling, or sometimes just don't know where to get help from, that's still my suggestion. At the very least you or someone else in the family can go to the counselor to get specific advice on how to handle the situation to relay back to your cousin if he balks at the idea.

I actually wrote a post on suicide a while back and listed a few hotlines that can get people pointed in the right direction for help or just someone to talk to. CLICK HERE to check that out and get that information.

Aside from that all you can do is be there for your cousin and provide any and all support possible. As for the wife, she needs to move on, IMHO. From what you laid out in your letter there really is no marriage other than the piece of paper, which clearly holds no more value to him than, well, a piece of paper. He's cheated numerous times—with her friends to boot and he's possibly having a baby outside of their marriage. That all means he was going raw with someone else, which opens her up to diseases and is just downright disrespectful.

She may have loved him at some point and vice versa; but what's love got to do with this. She has to love herself and their child at this point. Besides, if she can do bad all by herself, she can probably do better by herself, too.

Unless your cousin shows clear signs of growth and true willingness to change, there really isn't much of a relationship or marriage left to salvage here. All that should matter in that event is that he takes care of his kid(s) and gets a job—anything.

The only hiccup in all of that are his threats of suicide. Although it's tricky, his wife doesn't necessarily have to be with him to help him—especially if it's making a bad situation at home for the child and her own sanity. I hate to say this (and I'm definitely not condoning it) but if he chose to take his life; that decision lies squarely on his shoulders. The least you and his wife can do is to be there for him and try to get him the help he needs. But being forced to stay in a relationship is never a good feeling for anyone.

I pray all works out for you, your cousin, his wife and most importantly the kids, y'all are ALL too young for all this drama.

God bless.

Would you remain loyal to a family member that was doing wrong by their spouse? Could you forgive your spouse for having a child outside the marriage? How much responsibility should you feel when someone you know threatens to take their life? Would you stay in a bad marriage/relationship because someone said they’d hurt themselves if you left? In the event that this reader’s cousin did take his life, should she or his wife feel any guilt? Do you feel that people of color deal with their emotions the right way? What do you think this reader and the wife should so?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: baby, cheating, dog, Family, infidelity, pregnant, suicide

http://twitter.com/sunshyne84 @sunshyne84

My sister-in-law has been calling me lately cause she thinks my brother is cheating on her. I don't even wanna be in that. They have kids and stuff so I just told her I'm not the one to ask cause all I have is myself to worry about.

Now in this case all I can say is for them to try to encourage their cousin to get his shit together if he doesn't want to lose everything. You can't expect her to stay around when he's showing no effort. If he can't change then there's really nothing to say. It all lies in his hands. He can't blame anyone, but himself. If the kid is his and she leaves if would be selfish to kill himself and leave those kids to be raised alone. If he truly wants to salvage his marriage then he needs to show her that and get a job and stop fuckin all her friends. There's only so much you can do from the outside and he knows what he needs to do. I wouldn't stress myself out about it.
Kemz

I wouldn't stress myself out about it. Five years of this drama you say? Seems like it's has more than enough potential to be a never ending soap opera. There will always be drama and once you allow yourself to be placed in the middle they will always drag you into it. You are just the audience that they (esp your cousin) can count on.

Your cousin comes across as very attention seeking. He needs to seek professional help and hit up employment agencies while he's at it. He thinks he has it bad? What about the kids?! I can't even muster up an ounce of sympathy for that kind of bitchassness. I'm sorry.

Your cousin's wife? Is allowing herself and worst yet, her child to live in that situation. You need to let her know what she is exposing her child to is unhealthy. It would be best for her to leave mainly because a pattern has been created in the relationship with her and your cousin that is gonna be damn near impossible to break so she might as well chuck those deuces up and love him from afar.

As for you, you need to tell them your piece, chuck YOUR deuces up and live your life as a 19 year old, DRAMA FREE. Focus on school. You can learn all about this kinda drama in an internship setting where you have advisor and peer reviews and eventually one day where you'll get PAID for this ish.

ShakTASTIC!

Yes! Please don't allow them to pull you into their mess. Tell the wife to leave and leave it alone. You have bigger things to accomplish and getting caught up in someone else's drama could jeopardize what you have going on.

http://twitter.com/DrJ10 @DrJ10

He needs to get his act together and be accountable for his actions as a man. Secondly, if he's talkin about killin him self, he needs to be committed. Until he develops the stuff necessary to be a man, he ought to be in couselin and therapy..... Help 'em Lord....
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/ronnie6676 Ronnie6676

All I can say is that perhaps she shouldn't have married him in the first place. Being a single parent is difficult but getting yourself and child caught up in the above mess is worse.

As for the cousin, I believe that you should encourage the wife to leave. As well encourage the man in question to seek psychiatric help. If he is so quick to contemplate suicide, then he is no good to anyone let alone a child.
My recent post Catch Phrases Yeah I Got That
Elle

Would you remain loyal to a family member that was doing wrong by their spouse?
- No. Cheating is wrong no matter who, what, where, when.

Could you forgive your spouse for having a child outside the marriage?
- Never. The question should be: would your spouse survive having a child outside of the marriage

How much responsibility should you feel when someone you know threatens to take their life?
- Hm, tough cookie. It depends on how it is done. If it's "credible", I feel responsible for trying to help the person and hopefully talking them out of it. Some folks however are just drama queens who love the attention such a threat gets them. It's a case by case thing.

Would you stay in a bad marriage/relationship because someone said they’d hurt themselves if you left?
- No, I might hurt him worse if I stayed.

In the event that this reader’s cousin did take his life, should she or his wife feel any guilt?
- Nah, that's what he wants. Dude is a b*tch .. sorry to be harsh.

What do you think this reader and the wife should so?
- The reader should stay out of it all. The wife should leave.
da ThRONe

This isnt about choosing sides its about doing the right thing or minding your on business, Thats is what I think the writers choices are.

Its sad as people we are so mentally fucked up we project our "Fucked-up-ness" on the people whom we are supposed to love the most. But the wife should be smart enough not to put herself in a position to be tied to such a loser. So in many reguards she has to take blame aswell.

My advice would be to speak your piece and be done with it. You cant help people who dont want your help. For both of these people the writing is clearly on the wall and they choose to ignore it. So I'm not sure what it is you can do or say to "fix" these people problem because they dont show the mental strength to do what is already obvious.
The Duchess

This is a MESS!! I think the reader should tell them to GROW UP!

People need to learn to be accountable for the mess in their OWN lives & not bring innocent parties into it. She KNEW the dude wasn't shit before she married him BUT she made the decision to marry him so he didn't have to pay child support.. o.0 THEN decides to go to her now husband's cousin to ask for advice???????????????? This girl is raising a boy, his father ain't shit & she blames herself for not knowing how to keep her husband's dick in his pants??????????????? GURL............ BYE!
The Duchess

LOL @ Ans!!! That pic is CLASSIC!!! Almost the EXACT situation as this letter.. You something else:p

Amber

OMG Yes I soooo agree pic is awesome!!!!
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

Which one are you referring to?

The Duchess

The Mashonda & Swizz pic.. Scandalous :p

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

Hmmm, I was trying to find one of Alicia prego, but no such luck

Sinnamon

This is a tough situation. There is a fine line between knowing when to butt in and when to stay out of it. I will say, having a child outside of the marriage is not a deal breaker for me if I was the wife that had to deal with it. I believe in "for better or for worse". Lots of people give up too easy on marriages without trying to work through the difficulties. In this case, I don't think they should have gotten married to begin with but because its too late for that, at this point, the question is whether he wants to change. Is he willing to try and change and be a stand up guy for his wife and child and potential child? If he is and is sincere, then I think counseling is definitely a must. He needs to understand the damage he is causing and the people he is hurting and get to the root of the problem. This is not an unsalvageable situation. It will be hard and it will take work but I think its worth it for the sake of the children and everyone else involved.
http://sinnamonnights.blogspot.com/ Sinnamon

With regards to the suicide, someone needs to have a serious talk with him. And he should see a therapist. This could be a punk move to get attention, but in either case, I say better to be safe than sorry.
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/remthemulatto remthemulatto

There is entirely too much crazy in there for me to comprehend.. Cousin needs to grow the f*k up and can't expect other people to take on his issues.. especially since he's the damn architect! I'd cut that mo' fo' off for even saying the word suicide in my presence.. family or no. I get that life is hard, but if u chose to shit on yourself when the bathroom is in the other room, then you deserve to walk around in that shit. And this aint comin' from no uppity "I got my life together and you can too" chap. My life is pretty F'd up and no matter how deep it goes, the last thing I'ma do is stress my family out with thoughts of suicide. He don't give a shit about y'all, so why should y'all give a shit about him.

da ThRONe

Yeah actually committing suicide is one thing ,but putting it out there to your love ones is a punk move even if you are serious or not.
The Duchess

Rem, that was REAL TALK!
Elle

Da truth

Criscilla

I'm sorry, but in what state can you marry a man who owes child support and that debt is erased?
<--knows that is NOT the main focus odf the article
And what woman with 1/8 of the self esteem of a mosquito would marry a guy in under these circumstances?

The Duchess

The girl married him so that he doen't have to pay HER child support.. Idiotic I know..

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/mkuptart JC

My thing is...uhm shouldn't he pay to support the child married or not? Contribute something? I know he can't because he doesn't have a job and seems very busy cheating...But why would that even come up as a reason to marry? And what person would voice that damn reason to others...
My recent post Just an update of sorts

@missdeluxej

That's such a loaded situation. I believe that family comes before most things in most instances-- but your own personal morals come first this time. If you think that what he isn't doing is right then DON'T support it. However, that doesnt mean that you have to lead the campaign for her to divorce him. Sometimes removing yourself from a situation-- that is, refusing to encourage your cousin's jack-assery may be a quieter but more well received action then say outright choosing a side. If he's really capable of suicide, as it appears he is- then he needs medical attention and his family should do as much as the law will allow to prevent him from hurting himself. And I stand by that assertion regardless of what the other drama in his life entails. When they ask for your opinon on what to do tell them what you think a logical, clear headed person should do in their situation. Tell them what you feel is morally right to do, don't engage on making specific judgements of either of them and just refuse to let them drag you any further into this drama. This whole situation just sounds completely unhealthy and you don't need to be dragged into it. Good luck
Rastaman

As a personal rule I give good friends and close family the benefit of the
doubt in most instances. So if I have a family member doing wrong by their
spouse, I am going to let that be between them and the spouse. Unless he or
she is physically endangering that spouse (i.e. physical abuse); grown folks
need to handle their grown folks business.

Generally, I view suicide as a cowardly act but I know that mental illness
can also spark suicidal behavior. And I go by the view that people who hurt
themselves are also capable of hurting others. So strongly suggesting and
encouraging the cousin to get some psychological counseling is the right
move here. If not for him for his kids who would be the real victims if he
kills himself, suicide is hardest on the survivors. Mental illness is no
joke and just like if you saw him exhibiting symptoms of a dangerous
physical illness, the same sense of urgency should be in play.

Frankly, I am not certain what I would do in a situation where the
possibility of someone hurting themselves hinged on my actions. Its one of
those things I see as "crossing that bridge when you come to it". All our
actions have consequences but some consequences you just don't come back
from if ever. We can't always hold ourselves responsible for the actions of
another but we should always be cognizant that life is never black and white
and there are many shades of grey. Feeling responsible for how you behaved
towards someone who has taken their own lives is very very grey.

People in general are loathe to address mental health issues personally or
familial. There is still a stigma attached to seeking psychological help or
admitting psychological issues. I believe that many of the behaviors that
plague many people of color and many poor people are steeped in
psychological issues. Many cases of people abusing drugs and alcohol are
their own attempts to self medicate, to quiet their personal demons and get
them through the day. This inevitably undermines their ability to get an
education, hold a job, maintain a family or in some instances look out for
their own best interest.

My suggestion to the reader and the wife is to seek counseling for
themselves and the cousin. There are people trained to address many of the
issues brought to the fore: infidelity, suicidal behavior; inappropriate
boundaries and enabling.

Some psychology is quackery!!

But I think there is value especially in behavioral psychology that teaches
people how to better deal with the challenges we all face in life by
adjusting behaviors. Some of us unfortunately never had the proper guidance
on how to deal with life and we need instructions.

I have seen too many talented people's potential go for naught because they
end up fighting them, spinning their wheel unable to realize anything
because they are crippled by issues like these, that envelope them and their
families. She is young but she can seek help and hopefully save her cousin
and his kids from a downward spiral.

This is an ideal opportunity to keep a family intact and offer these
children a real chance at a better future. They are a young couple and there
is still hope that with the right kind of help they can make it work for
everyone.

This communication (including any attachments) is intended solely for the recipient(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or legally protected. Any unauthorized use or dissemination of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please immediately notify the sender by return e-mail message and delete all copies of the original communication. Thank you for your cooperation.
http://reggiesblogspotrantings.blogspot.com/ Reggie

That sounds like a jacked up reason for two people to get married. Even in this economy if someone truly wants to find work they can. It might be an underemployment situation, but it would still be a job.

What should concern her the most about her husband is his reckless sexual behavior. He apparently doesn't give a shit if he brings a little something home from one of his sexcapades.......she ought to be more concerned with that.

If your significant other wants to have sex with someone else, there's nothing that you can do about it. It is what it is.
LeTtHeRaYnEfAlL

I am in a strangely familiar situation right now, I would be in the place of the wife even though there are different circumstances. First of all, we are not married but we are still together. We were pregnant and I was completely happy. We did everything that first time parents did. I have no knowledge of him cheating until he sat me down and told me he had another baby on the way after we had our daughter. He claims it only happened once but who only GOD knows if that's true. I had heard her name before but he assured me she was just a "friend" and he never lied to me before so why should i doubt him now. That was a hard pill to swallow and I'm not completely over it. I love the little boy but he is still a constant reminder of his father's lack of better judgment.

What's strange to me is that this situation is very common. More than I would have thought. I had a friend's mom go through it but when it happened to me the secret was out so to speak. Alot of people in my life and friends of friends are dealing with the same situation.... What's up with that???

The Duchess

Alot of people in my life and friends of friends are dealing with the same situation.... What's up with that???<-- Do ya'll live in a small town??

@MultipleHeart

On the surface this seems like a tough post to respond to but not when you think about "quality of life" and respect.

I think you should tell your cousin's wife to leave. No discussion there.
I think you should tell your cousin that either he seeks help or he loses EVERYTHING. His wife, his kids and his relationship with you. Which he would be doing if he killed himself. It sounds like he is trying to seek attention and maybe sympathy from you (Psych Student) and his wife. Why do I say that? Because I have known people that are suicide risk, counseled them. I have been a suicide risk. Most (and this comes from my experience) most that are really serious and don't want to be stopped because they really don't want to live don't go telling people. I'm sorry I'm not buying it.

Would you remain loyal to a family member that was doing wrong by their spouse? -No I wouldn't. If I was put in the situation where I was drawn into it my way of being neutral would be to not take sides and speak the truth.

Could you forgive your spouse for having a child outside the marriage?- No I couldn't

How much responsibility should you feel when someone you know threatens to take their life?-None. I make a point to tell anyone that is in my life that if they need me I am there. Suicide is a personal choice that effects everyone but that responsibility shouldn't be on anyone's shoulders other than the person who threatens their life.

Would you stay in a bad marriage/relationship because someone said they’d hurt themselves if you left?- Nope, because in the end I would be hurting myself and in some way shape of form I would then start to hurt the other person.

In the event that this reader’s cousin did take his life, should she or his wife feel any guilt?- No. It already sounds like the wife has gone above and beyond trying to help this man, the cousin as well. The fact that either one is still speaking to him should say that because many would have walked if not ran away long ago.

Do you feel that people of color deal with their emotions the right way?- Depends what you see as the "right way". Some see expressing or dealing with emotions as a form of "airing out your business for the world to see" I had no problem going into therapy after my mom died. I needed to confront my pain. My dad and sister chose a more private way. Was either right or wrong...depends on the outcome.

My recent post Just an update of sorts

Elle

I completely agree with the "no telling policy" of people who are truly suicidal. If you're serious about taking your own life you make sure nobody/nothing gets in your way.

IJS

I think the "marriage" was doomed from the beginning! She didn't say that they loved each other and decided to get married. From the post they got married so he wouldn't have to pay child support or go to jail! What did she expect?
Classic Ruby

Wow!! I'm with everyone who said "damn, what a mess!!". I'd seriously keep out of it. Often times, in situations like this, people will listen to your advice, thank you for it, and then do whatever the hell they want to do anyway, often times because they aren't really truly living in the here and now and reality and therefore advice and actions based in reality are a lot hard for them to wrap their minds around. It's a lot easier to "what-if" and "maybe" yourself to death than to just accept reality and do what's best given the actual circumstances here and now. The sad thing is that there's at least one, potentially more, children who are going to be affected by these unbalanced at best, selfish at worst, decisions.

It sounds like both the wife and husband and screaming out for help in their own individual ways. I think they BOTH need some counselling because neither one of them are making decisions that are good for them either now or the future, or for them or their children. And it seems like neither of them are equipped with the tools to deal with the issues and situations they are facing. That doesn't make it your responsibility to deal with. I'm a psych major as well, and have had people turn to me when they can't stand the heat, but like you said without a degree you can't help them as much as a professional with full training can. Point them in the direction of help, and then do what everyone else has said and focus on school and YOU, and clear this drama from your shoulders and your life. And use birth control (God forbid you go causing your own drama )o.0
QuoteMan

What a joke, homeboy couldn’t afford to keep his dick in his pants but could afford to take his life? He’s preying on their fears. He’s fully cognizant of his actions and what it portends.

Now, the wife had a major hand in this mess, too. Don’t start shit you can’t finish - and she did. You can’t build a marriage on a wing and a prayer – and she tried. You get the feeling that she’s not going to heed the advice of anyone until she’s good and ready to leave. For now, she just need a shoulder to cry on, why else would she confide in a 19 yr old (No offense, Ma).

To the young lady, I say you’re the victim here. Those two know enough about life than you could ever dream. Apparently, you’re the only one who wouldn’t put them in their place. They’ve found solace in your kindness and taking it for weakness. Let them know you’re too young for their problems and recommend them talking to an adult and see how that turns out.

Keep your mind out of their issues and back in your books where it belongs.
lola289

2nd pic is priceless and a WHOLE nother subject posting!!!

But seriously...this person needs to talk to a professional... If the situation is that serious than a Blog or Blogger is not enough!
Ur in school? Talk to a counselor or one of ur teachers...
Womanofyr

He's totally selfish. He cheated on his wife with women he did not even love, and her friends. She's questioning her sanity, and her ability to keep a man. I bet before she sure he cheated, he told her she was being a crazy drama queen for suspecting her.. And the suicide talk, still makes him the center of concern, the biggest victim. Total selfishness.

Next time he says he gonna kill himself, call up the mental folk so they can keep him for a couple of days. I don't know what to think about talk like that. He's not working, his wife wants him out, and relatives express some anger. He kinda got nothing to live for, I guess. Except the kids. He needs to put kids first. And while family criticize, they should follow by saying they still love him. Actually, while the wife throw him out, she can say she will always love him.

She gots to set her boundaries and stick to it. And what kind of emotional or physical abuse is going on in that house on a daily basis, every-- day--: since he crazy enough to talk suicide. Kids don't need to see/hear that drama/trauma. He ruin her life. Actually, he can only ruin his own life. But she has very close proximity, so she share the emotional drama/trauma of a ruined life. If she used all her superwoman power to fix things

You very young, but you old enough to call out the adults sometimes on their BS. But don't bother to hear all the excuses and let them talk you into being a BS conspirator. You tell the truth (be your truthful, caring self). Then say you love them. And that's that. Support the wife and kids, with stuff that 19 year olds can do, she needs you for that (a friend who wont boink the hubby) but be the 19 year old, not the 35 year old, be you. Leave the lying cousin to your mother. You can give the advice to him, through your mother or aunt.

Yall probably need to have a family meeting where all tell truth without a bunch of excuse, and remind all you love each other, with wife too. Maybe have a psych doc to participate for a couple of hours. Those who show up will get the benefit of this, and those who don't show will be messed up longer.
Womanofyr

Her superwoman powers can't control his dk. Actually, he can't/won't even control his own dk. All the many mistresses could not control his dk either. He gots to want to keep it in his pants.
Womanofyr

I just had a crazy thought... Does he meet all or most of his women through her? Is that what he needs from her, the women get jealous and try to sleep with him.
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/dashofreality dashofreality

Wow. OMG and gasp. This is a tough situation. Your cousin needs help asap. Although it seems that if he really wanted to kill himself he would have done so already. But what do I know? The wife needs counseling as well. The most you can do is present these resources to them, offer the sound advice NWSO and the rest of the commentors gave you and carry on. You are all young but you are all still adults. You can't control the actions of others.
My recent post Ladies- sometimes you just gotta…SHUT UP!
Empress Ether

Would you remain loyal to a family member that was doing wrong by their spouse?
I don't feel there is an issue of loyalty or not. The bottom line is that he did something wrong. If my married cousin were to cheat on their spouse, they already know me and what I'm going to say. I'm going to tell my cousin he's wrong for what he's doing and to not get me involved. I don't like to give the same advice more than once. If you get yourself into a situation that you KNOW YOU AINT GOT NO BUSINESS IN and you know I've told you what you're doing is wrong, then don't come to me and tell me anything about it. Because when you KNOW better you DO better.

Could you forgive your spouse for having a child outside the marriage?
Depends on the circumstances. We are human and we all mess up but 9/10 if the other woman comes up preggo, then my hubby must have been "raw-dogging" it a few times which puts my life in jeopardy. When it has gotten to the point where our family structure has been changed and/or compromised I might have to walk away. Because not only do you not care about me and my health, you don't care about yourself as my husband to even keep your life out of harm's way. So that one might be a wrap.

How much responsibility should you feel when someone you know threatens to take their life?
You should take responsibility based on how well you know that person. If someone has claimed they want to attempt suicide before and has done something like swallow a bottle of tylenol or superficially cut themselves...then recognize those as cries for attention. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES, KILL THEMSELVES. When you know you want to die, you're going to do something reliable like jumping off a bridge or shooting yourself where you know the odds are higher that you will be successful. A superficial suicide attempt is a cry for attention because things usually aren't going the person's way and they want to make other people feel bad or sorry for them to ALLEVIATE PRIOR SITUATIONS TO THE SUICIDE ATTEMPT (which is probably why the cousin tried to call the police on one of his side pieces, saying she had him jumped. HE WANTED ATTENTION and his wounds were likely enough to inflict VISIBLE damage to VERIFY HIS ATTEMPT but not enough to cause death. You just have to recognize it for what it is. If you believe he will really do it, CALL THE POLICE AND GET THE PERSON BAKER ACT'D. This is involuntary 72 hour lock up for evaluation. If he was really just playing, 3 days in the psyche ward will ensure he never does it again. And if he's really mentally unstable, then he's where he needs to be.
Empress Ether

Would you stay in a bad marriage/relationship because someone said they’d hurt themselves if you left?
Nope, sure wouldn't. Because if they were truly unstable and the relationship is about to be over, over this time..then they may try to do the old murder-suicide thing. (IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU...NOBODY CAN syndrome).

In the event that this reader’s cousin did take his life, should she or his wife feel any guilt?
Don't feel guilt over that because it could consume your life. As I said before, if he makes comments about hurting himself and you honestly believe he will...have the good ole police dept show him to that padded room for a 3 day vacation. If he was playing, he won't play anymore about saying he'll hurt himself if he doesnt mean it. And if he does have psychological demons to confront, thats the place where he has experts on demand.

Do you feel that people of color deal with their emotions the right way?
That's a whole nother topic in and of itself. *pause/sigh* People of color are not in their right frame of mind these days from many influences. From music, to food, to TV, to music, to religion. A psychologist/psychiatrist won't help US with OUR problems. Think about it. When you go to a therapist you sit on a couch and talk about your HISTORY...your childhood, parents, etc. You talk about your PAST. We are a lost people with a lost history. We don't fully understand the psychological combat that has been assaulted against us from generations ago, culminating up to this point in 2010. We are the end result of hundreds of years or racism, oppression, self-hatred, misconceptions, deception, etc. If we were spiritual accountable for what we do, as opposed to going to sit and listen to messages about a fictional character in church, then we would be able to overstand why we have so many issues from absent fathers, drug abuse, promiscuity, self-doubt, depression, disease/illness, family relationships, etc. All the issues in our community could be solved without having to pay a single co-pay or having to claim a single religion. But that would be too easy and is exactly why we as a people aren't there yet. Alot of us are content where we are...and therefore our comfort zone is never shaken up enough to make us want to change.

What do you think this reader and the wife should so?
The wife should go to legal aid and find out her options and file for divorce. This way the cousin is FORCED to take responsibility. She wonders why he doesn't change his ways when SHE HAS GIVEN HIM NO REASON TO. He has NO JOB, NO RESPONSIBILITY, NO BILLS, AVAILABLE SEX...what man is going to leave that?? Shake up his comfort zone. He doesn't respect his wife and his child..and most important..he DOESNT RESPECT HIMSELF. You can't show any kind of emotion (love, respect, honesty, etc) until you can do that with yourself first.
The reader should distance himself from his cousin because he is a man caught up in a lot of drama of his own doing. He is a recipe for disaster. With all of his "side activity" going on, who's to say one of the young ladies he is spending time with may not have a boyfriend? And who's to say that boyfriend may be insanely jealous? And who's to say that insanely jealous boyfriend won't roll up on the cousin and the reader together and start some ish? Now the reader is involved in a situation that has nothing to do with him. The reader knows the cousin is wrong, so he should not avoid him completely, but just choose his interactions with him wisely.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....I noticed the reader seems to possibly have feelings for the cousin's wife..I may be reaching but the comment about her confiding in him caught my attention. Just remember if the wife and cousin do separate or divorce, don't be HER REBOUND. She may feel like the reader is giving her what her husband doesn't but she is really focusing her energy in the direction of where she is receiving attention. Because dating her could possibly lead to a rift between reader and cousin...when in actuality the wife may have just wanted to feel wanted.
Peace and Blessings
Empress Ether
954PussyKat

A damn shame....I blame all 3 women here for allowing this sorry dead beat make their lives miserable. The wife is dumb as a bag of rocks.WTH?Marry him to avoid taking care of their child together?I know of a few women who have taken their spouses/boyfriends back into their homes but the child support checks are still being mailed faithfully.Then the other woman?Gesh! Does she really want a broke ass married man to father her child who obviously has no sense of loyalty or responsibility. The cousin is young so I will spare her and say pull your nose outta that business.Tell wifey to suck it up or leave his dog ass.She knows her dog so either she divorce fido or shut the hell up with all the drama and be content with the mess.
Tejan

It is unclear, but after reading it again, I think that her married HER (the wife) to avoid paying child support to her (the wife). I do not think he is referring to the baby mama's upcoming child in that sentence. If that is so, that shows his character. He didn't marry because he loved her or wanted to be faithful, but rather to avoid paying child support to the first woman he knocked up (the wife). Then he knocked up a second one (the baby mama) and the marriage trick won't work this time, because polygamy is illegal in the states.
Tejan

Apparently expected him to change?
Tejan

You have to know how to read someone very well to know whether or not they really mean it when they talk about suicide. It could be just victim talk, it could be a form of manipulation, or they could be serious, or possibly even all three.

I had a friend of mine's soon to be ex-wife threaten suicide on the phone with me and to her husband. In her case, I could tell she was just being the victim and manipulative, and told her that I could have someone come over if she was serious, and I was serious about it. I figured either she would back down, or I really needed to call somebody, and her response would tell me what to do. Plus I think it helped that I knew they had weed in the house, so having the cops show up would probably not be something she wanted. She backed down and she never threatened suicide again, with me, anyway. We instead talked about her real problems and I made sure she knew I cared about her well-being and was there for her to talk.

But then again, I can read people pretty well... usually. You have to be careful in these situations. One wrong move and its like setting off a time bomb.

When you have to worry more is not when they are threatening suicide (unless they are irrational and crazy), but rather when they get quiet. If someone threatening suicide becomes quiet and wants to be alone, don't let them. I had a different friend that almost committed suicide when she was younger, and luckily her aunt would not leave her alone. If she had, she would have been dead.

Good luck man. And get help if you need it.
DH

Wasn't this exact letter a "Strawberry Letter" on Steve Harvey's morning show a year or two ago?

The guy is probably not going to commit suicide. He just wants attention. He is a child mentally. He likes having a wife and a girlfriend, and he doesn't want things to change. Therefore, he threatens suicide so that everyone will be concerned for him and his wife and girlfriend will stay in place and under his control.