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Could You Date a Jailbird? (Love on Lockdown)

Posted by NWSO • July 29, 2010 • Printer-friendly

WORDS BY BLAKSICILIAN

We didn’t break up because of cheating. Our relationship was perfect until that fateful Sunday morning phone call.

“I’m locked up,” he quipped, remorsefully.

I didn’t know whether to cry or scream.

What happened? Are you alright? What happened? Well, whose stuff was it? It wasn’t yours right? What do you need me to do?

I asked as much as I could before the paranoia of correctional “phone tapping” took over and his time was up.

I was his woman and he was my man, so I immediately canceled all plans for the day and accompanied his family for a long day of waiting anxiously for arraignment and hopefully, posting bail. After being up since 7am and painfully listening to an array of cases—ranging from child prostitution to domestic disputes—his arraignment ended at almost 1am.

This was all unfamiliar territory for me and was a painful experience to say the least. On the ride home, now about 2am, I was relieved that the worst was over—or at least I thought.

A myriad of thoughts went through my mind during that day and a half. A weapon. Found in his bedroom closet of his shared apartment. Was it his or his roommate’s? No one was accepting the blame. What was he hiding from me? Was this what went on when I wasn’t around? He was a working guy, I thought. He wouldn’t get himself caught up in stuff like this. I had known my share of thugs, and he wasn’t one.

I work for a law firm; I can’t be mixed up in this. He’s not in the streets; he worked for the city and you can’t have a city job with a previous criminal record. I didn’t know what to think but I remained positive.

We’ll be fine and so will our relationship. Things will return to normal in no time.

Two days after being bailing him out we spoke by phone for the first time. I was accused of being distant (the truth). I was scolded for “not calling the past few days” and called “selfish” for texting instead. I explained the reason for my distance was to allow him space to deal with his legal troubles and that I also needed some space for myself, just for the weekend since these last few days had been stressful.

“What??,” he blew up at me, incredulously.

“Just a few days. I just need to think, that’s all…” I trailed off.

He must have felt me about to leave him, because he beat me to it.

“I’ll pay you back the bail money, bitch,” he fumed. “Fuck you.”

All I heard after that was a dial tone. Anger swelled inside of me. I wanted out, that was a fact, but not necessarily out of the relationship. I wanted out of these past few days. Now I wanted out of this nightmare of the man I thought I wanted to marry now facing gun possession charges in a city where the penalty is a lengthy bid. I wanted out of this brand-new “ride or die” chick fantasy I was unwillingly placed in by a man who told me he loved my classiness, intelligence and wit.

Why was I being berated by him? Because a family member, instead of me, signed for the bail money? I was his girlfriend, not his wife so how was that my responsibility? Why was my being repaid my contribution to the bail money made an issue? Had I not been able to afford to, I wouldn’t have offered it.

How was it that he was now living in a brand-new apartment in Battery Park, fresh out on bail, when he claimed bad credit and being a young man of color thwarted his plans to secure an apartment?

There were too many holes in this story.

I immediately reverted back to my brothers, father and uncles. All had been “heavy in the game” and lived “the life” in all its glamour and its ugliness. Coldest Winter Ever-style. Except, I never saw my mother carry that load of being “down for her man.”

Instead, “down” meant taking care of the household, raising four children and looking good while doing both. A “ride or die chick” was a foreign concept in my parents’ union, regardless of whatever illegal lifestyle my pops chose to live. Back then, men kept their outside activities (legal or illegal) separate from their family and wives.

Home was sacred.

No matter how close the street hit home in my household, the men in my life always shielded me (and the other women in my family) from it. Why was the man I considered my soul mate pushing me selfishly towards it, without my permission?

After the name-calling, I never spoke to him again and have been single since that phone call. (I made it official after he tried to apologize). I question many things, but I’m happy. I still wonder how sugar went to shit in a blink of an eye, but rationalize it all up to being part of “God’s plan” when I run out of ways to explain why it happened.

I learned that this happens more often than not and is occurring more and more in young adult relationships. It starts with an arrest (DUI, disorderly conduct, fighting in a club, etc.) that then turns into a lifestyle and the person you thought you fell in love with now thinks they’re an “O.G.” We’re losing too many men (and in some cases, women) to this “wannabe thug life” mentality. It’s bad enough too many people fall victim to the streets due to environmental circumstance; why wait until you’re an adult to start thuggin’?

What I do know is I will find love again. Until then, I’m thankful I’m free of any guilt and am able to continue life normally. This is my cautionary tale, proceed with caution.

How would you react if your partner called and said they were arrested? Would you break up over an arrest or would it depend on the charges? What crime would you be able to overlook? Do you believe in innocent until proven guilty when it comes to loved ones? Would you be willing to post someone’s bail? How much responsibility does a BF/GF have to their partner in a situation like that? What do you think of the boyfriend’s reaction to her “needing space?” Did it seem like he had a secret life that he was hiding from her? Could you knowingly date a jailbird? Why?

Speak your piece…

Tagged as: arrest, bail, breaking law, double life, gun charge, jail, law, lie

older & wiser

Been there, done that! We stayed in touch until I got tired of waiting for him. I think it could have worked if not for the long term separation. I'm not dating anyone else, just got tired of what seemed like a one-sided relationship bc I had to hold everything down.
Being locked up didn't automatically break us up, but not getting early parole did. I told him to look me up when he got out and if I was still available we might could try it again after he got back on his feet. BTW, he still hasn't made parole.
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/booboonotthefool booboonotthefool

It does make things hard when staying with someone can affect your livelihood/goals, especially when after everything is all said and done you feel like you didn't know anything about the person to begin with.
"Back then, men kept their outside activities (legal or illegal) separate from their family and wives."
That's the same way I knew it to be. Keeping it hidden until it's discovered them being mad at the reaction boggles my mind. You didn't tell me what you were into, but got mad at me because you got caught up in it and I started thinking about what I wanted my life to be?!
Sounds like you made a good decision from the way things played out.
Womanofyr

When in a rut, you know, things can run threw the mind. But then I consider it and think on how it would be. He would be looking for a patsy to use or an extra goto woman to add to his long list. (The expert liar.) I also think about all the rape in jail, and how he could change into something. Then I think about him having some sort of complex that causes him to turn to crime whenever failure comes around: And I could be in the wrong place at the wrong time with kids. -- So I talk myself out of it big time. lol
http://intensedebate.com/people/Sherell1 Sherell1

No to jaibirds. Now if it is a bogus charge maybe, I once was charged with first degree assault against someone I never toucehed!! Spent 1 hour in processing and $5k on a lawyer. All the charges were dropped and record expunged. So I am going to take a moment to see if there is any bases for the charges.
Allie Cat

We all have done something that if caught could have been arrested and possibly jailed. Aww shut up because yes you have. Remember that time.........

The writer could have given him a chance to hear his side of the story. If this was a new relationship (couldn't have been if you bailed him out) I could understand the departure, but for this to be your man--I think you bailed a little too quick.

Don't get my comments F'ed up.....do not continue to date someone that constantly gets locked up, but this seemed like a cool dude...some ish just popped off.

ALIG

I can't say that I have done something if caught could get me arrested.

irishmami8

I think by calling her the B word & telling her F you, he showed his character. I get that you can be stressed out, but the good men that I know would never say that to a woman, no matter what. & the ones that do get cut outta my life. I've been disrespected by a man. I don't tolerate it anymore. I'm too grown for that. There are no second chances with me when it comes to stuff like that. You can get mad and raise your voice a little if I'm really outta line, but anything more isn't cool in my book.
Womanofyr

Well, if he a working man, I can imagine me thinking the charges might be wrong. I might help with bail. But if I know he guilty, I don't think I can handle it. Not sure if I would be willing to stick around, if not married. And he cursing her too. He should have been begging her not to leave him over this.

But his expectations was that she has to shut up, and pretend she aint shocked and stressed. So as was written above, he flipped from the perfect boyfriend to the dominating intimidating guy. Sure people can act weird when going through something like this, but he totally curse her, that's part of his normal nature. She can thank the lord that things are over and he aint stalking her.
The Duchess

They couldn't have been together for long cause she has too many questions about him. Especially since he got an apartment right after getting out & she knew NOTHING about him moving.. I guess this is another one of those "half of the story" stories but my conclusion to this "half ass" story is, the writer did the right thing by moving on cause dude got locked up on an ARRAY of charges. That is WAY too much for any relationship especially one in the beginning stages!

Depending on what the dude got locked up for would determine whether or not I stayed with him.. I wouldn't stay with NO dude if he got locked up for child postitution, child molestation, child anything! Bump THAT!
Womanofyr

He curse her at the first sign of uncertainty.
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/ronnie6676 Ronnie6676

I have a policy when it comes to this: 1. I do not accept toll calls (thy are blocked on my phone) 2. I do not do visitation. So pretty much if jail is in your future, I am not.

QuoteMan

I'm with you on #2

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/chanellee Chanel Lee

He showed his true colors when he cursed you out. You dodged a bullet. Be thankful.
karmagini

Almost 4 years ago, I broke up with a man that was in prison. We'd been together for a couple years before the day he was arrested for armed robbery. I didn't find out til I read an article in the paper, at work, and saw his mugshot. I knew something was up for him to have money & no job, but figured he was selling weed... and sadly, at the time, that was ok with me.

I decided to stay with him, and remained faithful for 8 years. Complete celibacy and support for all that time. I understood this was what I chose, he didn't coerce me into it. I felt it would all be worth it when he would be released. I had this fantasy of how great we'd be once that day came. We planned on marrying & even called each other spouses. I never feared he'd return to a life of crime.
karmagini

(cont'd)...The last year of our relationship, my life started changing. I started doing things for myself (getting healthy, losing weight, a promotion at work) and things shifted. I started becoming unhappy with the arrangement & thinking I could find what I wanted in love elsewhere and not have to wait years for it to come to fruition. Instead of dealing with it properly & respectfully, I cheated. He was not surprised when it all came out but was still crushed. I knew I couldn't date and hold onto him... I knew I had to move on, althought I didn't know completely why.

Now I do. I look back on our relationship & see it was a codependent one. I see I played the white knight role (and literally, he would call me his savior). I settled for less than I deserved, identifyed myself with his purpose/dreams in life and had no sense of my Self. Now I realize my gut told me to leave because I had to explore life & myself.
karmagini

(cont'd)... Knowing what I know of codependent relationships now, it is very clear how we ended up together. Blaksicilian, you mentioned the men in your family were hustlers too, but wonder how you came into this relationship yourself. We tend to repeat patterns in unhealthy relationships, so it makes perfect sense to me you chose this man. I would even bet there were warning signs that were ignored early on.

I repeated a pattern of the emotionally unavailable man in my life; my ex's father was also a big hustler (and also an abuser), his mom held it down. She was a complete sweetheart... but also a doormat. She accepted less than she deserved.

Thank God I can now speak on this easily (it's been hard to reflect on). I would never date a thug again, even if he was a great person underneath who made a bad decision (like my ex). I have found my Self, my power, and broken the pattern of dysfunctional love in my life. And I was right... I did find that love in a man I deserved and wanted... but more importantly, with myself.

http://www.nwso.net NWSO

Hey Karmagini,

How come you did a (cont'd) is there a space/word limit that I don't know about or you just remembered something? Just checking so I can look into it if it's the former.
My recent post Could You Date a Jailbird Love on Lockdown

QuoteMan

I say this without reservation, I don’t do jail visits; you make your bed, you lay in it. This sometimes rubs folks the wrong way but hey, it is what it is. My cousin is doing a 3yr bid with one more year to go, I love her but that goes for her as well.

To some extent, I agree that jail is preventable. When you have too much to lose in life, you steer clear of shit that’d get your ass locked up. Plus, I’m too sexy for jail anyway. LOL
Rastaman

So if I get this right she bailed on her SO because he got arrested and was a little edgy with her about the whole situation. This was not a real relationship to begin with, because if it was she would at least stuck around to get to teh resolution. When did arrest become guilty?

Being in NYC with stop and frisk and driving/walking while black all being suspicious activities according to law enforcement. Just objecting to be profiled might get you arrested. So excuse me if I don't see this as dating a jail bird.
Like DianeChristina I see all those stories about folks getting exonerated by DNA and those are only the ones who went to trial. A majority of folks who get arrested plead out and that is the most common resolution. The dirty secret about plea bargaining is that a significant portion of those pleas are by innocent people who take a conviction with less jail time rather than spend time in lockup waiting for a trial date with a PD.

I don't have any experience in lockup but I know many friends and acquaintances who have been run through the system and while they weren't saints they are also not always guilty as charged. The prison industrial complex is built on a foundation of imprisoning black folks. So folks here need to wise up about what is what.

I am not pro thug or pro criminal activity but I also know cases of too many people whose existence has been criminalized. Why?
Because locking them up pays. If you don't realize that, you need to wake up!!
Larger percentage of black men are in prison not because we commit crimes at an higher rate than others. But because our behavior is more criminalized.

I don't have any info about the man in question, what he was arrested for or whether he was guilty but what we do know is that the author had no desire to have his back. Listen if you don't feel the need to support him in his troubles then say that but don't make it like he was guilty and proved it to you. The one thing anyone no matter the circumstances needs in a relationship is loyalty and I I saw very little of it here.

RED

I think you and I were writing at the same time b/c I just saw your comment. I concur exactly!

ReD

It is amazing that everyone today is so judgmental about the guy and his jail time.
First of all, she doesn't even know if it was his gun!! How many of us have been in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong ppl? Ex. A guy I was cool with in college were giving me and my friends a ride home (it was really late, no cabs in SC that time of night)..it wasn't until we got in the car that we realized dude had just been smoking weed and likely had some in the car. I have never smoked weed, but if the police had pulled us over, we all would have likely been locked up.
My point is this: in the above story, there is no concrete evidence that the gun was his. How the hell do you leave your man hanging like that? For the record, I have never dated a jail bird, I have never even dated a thug. All my men have been no- slang -using, proper- english- speaking only, professionals, who know absolutely nothing about 'thug life,' but I don't think if you love someone that you can just turn your back on them when they need you, without knowing the full story. What kind of love is that exactly?

Malia

I think it's interesting that people respond with more willingness to consider things when it's something that they feel they could relate to. I have seen some of the men here be pretty adamant about other things, some of which are purely physical. So if someone doens't want to entertain a difficulty that is potentially life-altering (as opposed to a matter of preference) why come down hard on them? What makes your preference more acceptable than someone else's?

It's funny how being so down for "your man" is expected of women, especially black women. They weren't married, they weren't even engaged, this is just someone she saw herself being with, she's not obligated to him, especially when his "issues" hit her in the pocket.

Yeah, there are some people who get unfairly accused, but that's not most.

A gun charge is pretty heavy and while it may not have been his gun, typically people who are at risk of even being in a situation like that are up to some things they shouldn't be. Not saying they are breaking the law, but before someone said people have done things they could have gotten arrested for-- exactly--- you were in the wrong and didn't get caught, is that any better?

If it were a woman who had gotten caught up and arrested most people would not encourage the man to bail her out, they'd encourage him to bail. Unless you have a ring, you owe no one that level of loyalty because your relationship isn't even cemented with legal precedence. That's how a woman gets caught up in a lifestyle of being "down" or "ride or die" or giving her all to one dude after the next until she gets to a certain age and is just flat out bitter.

She did the right thing and he showed his true character when he cursed her out. Be glad that it was only a slight hit to the pocket because it could have been a lot worse. We all know women for whom it was.

The Duchess

PREACH!!!

ReD

Now, if you had said you left him b/c he cussed you out, then I would understand. There is absolutely no way I would tolerate such blatant disrespect either, no matter what is going on in his life...but that's NOT why you left. I am not sure if this is the entire story, but all I know is that if that was your man and you loved him,the least you could have done was hear him out, not leave him like that.

Lastly, who cares if you work in a law firm? If he is your man and innocent, why are you worrying about what other people have to say? And again, this is coming from a 'classy, professional' woman. Stop worrying about appearances.
NWSO: I had the same issue as karmagini when posting

karmagini

I think there is more to the story, and given that he "flipped" and got so disrespectful with her, I'd bet there were signs all along of something fishy or of his nature. So given that, is probably the concern for her job. I knew my ex was guilty, and used to be open about his case til a past coworker went & told the boss... we worked in a cash office & accounted for all the money of our employer. Even though I had zero to do with his charges, I was still looked down upon.

But you're right, if he was innocent...
malia

That's not worrying about appearances, she could jeopardize her job if it was found out that she was dating someone with a criminal record (if that were the eventual outcome), depending on the type of law firm it was.

And since when does "your man" become something that demands such a high level of commitment, especially when it isn't reciprocated?
http://intensedebate.com/profiles/classicruby Classic Ruby

I think she needed some space to deal with his arrest and the new situation that they were in now. Even if he was innocent and she would have come to believe him eventually, it's still a hard blow to have someone you love arrested. He had no respect for her or the fact that she needed some time. And then to viciously turn against her, speaking to her in such a degrading manner? If she had been on the fence figuring out whether or not she could deal with this, and support him through this, it was pretty reasonable IMO for her to fall to the side of 'no' when he snapped like this. Clearly he wasn't going to be very supportive or reassuring to her. And I think as many people have said this definitely shows a more angry and mean character especially under pressure. Why should she have been so understanding when clearly he wasn't? Honestly, I'm pretty sure given the info we have that if I was in the same situation I would have walked away and counted myself lucky I found out he had that kinda ugly underneath his perfect looking persona before things got more serious.

And while I agree with you that she shouldn't be worrying about what other people have to say, it's different if your personal life could affect your professional success. If it would compromise her position with the company if they found out she was dating someone who was incarcerated or who had a felony on his record then it might be a good reason for her to think twice about staying with him.

ReD

ok this is the last bit: If you did hear him out completely and on conclusion you decided that he was lying to you and actually was a thug, then all power to you for leaving him. He showed his true colours when he cursed you out like that anyway.
Obviously my comments are too long.
NWSO when are u going to start writing, really writing, again? Maybe you are still on your break or life is just too insane right now, either way, I miss your writing.

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

Thanx I think. lol

I'll have some heavy writing for Monday. Everything else is about what inspires me to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) But life has been hectic as of late. My name may not be on everything at the top, but trust I am still pulling mad strings behind the scenes to execute these posts whether folks realize or not. Editing takes just as much work as writing.

So there
My recent post Could You Date a Jailbird Love on Lockdown

ReD

I'm sure it takes just as much time.
Ok, I will await Monday's post....enjoy the wkend!

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

Wait, so you're not coming back tomorrow (technically in an hour and a half)? Bad enough you didn't show up to tha anniversary party.

Hmmph, some faithful reader.

Where's DC Man at, anyway?
My recent post Could You Date a Jailbird Love on Lockdown

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/classicruby Classic Ruby

Funny, I was honestly wondering where DC Man was at as well. He's one of my favorite commenters to read while I skulk in the dark recesses of NWSO.net :$
My recent post My Fault… I’m Female
R.e. D

NWSO, it's like that, lol!!!! You misunderstood me. I don't comment everyday, but I do read every single day. I saw you made reference to me in the comments for today's post. So I was just saying have a good wkend, b/c I don't comment all the time, not b/c I wasn't coming back until Mon. About the party. 2 things actually: If you read my comment some time back, I stated my folks were in town at that time. I just can't share my time when the fam is here, they come first, u know how it is. 2nd: you said the place was packed, no doubt w/ women, ( was it another 10:1 , F:M?! I just can't do it again) so if I was there you would not have known, I would have had to poke you in the chest all over again, lol! Put up the pics again...come on man!

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

All good was just messing with you. No need to poke me in my shoulder again. Ha! see?

All good, family before faux family, wasn't 10 to 1 maybe 6 to 5.

And as soon as I can get a plugin that works I will have the pics back up, unless it was God's way of making sure I never post my face on this site against my better judgment.
My recent post Could You Date a Jailbird Love on Lockdown

karmagini

Yeah, it will only let me post so much. If it's too long, you are prompted to shorten it.
My recent post Why do I paint

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

Hmmm, interesting. I'll look into it.
My recent post Could You Date a Jailbird Love on Lockdown

The Duchess

Shannon must have special priviledges..:p

http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

word, she must have hacked the site or something LOL cause we know she be TYPING up a storm. LOL

#NoShots
My recent post Could You Date a Jailbird Love on Lockdown
http://intensedebate.com/people/Sherell1 Sherell1

LOL

http://www.lylasandco.com Emily

I believe your gut instinct kicks in and tells you what to do. If she felt like the story didn't add up, then she was most likely right. Also, any man that turns things around and gets angry at the person who bails them out is not a man I'd want to be with. I think she did the right thing by getting away from him!

Womanofyr

Oh there seem to be plenty that didn't add up.

Getting the new apartment so quickly. Flipping, calling her a bitch, etc.:the first sign of trouble he was not very understanding.

But why on earth was the police there in the first place. It sounds like he left out that info big time. Was it a warrant for him or his roommate. What else did they find. And why he still in jail. Something she don't know about is definitely going on.

Plus she pointed out that her standards are such that the man must not taint the woman with all his possible thug crap. He showed that he did not meet her standards on that. He aint the one for her.

This wasn't one of those situations where he was just walking or driving somewhere and suddenly the police approached with craziness. I could back a man up on that one, even if he was kinda guilty of resisting arrest. (As long as he was not in the process of doing some crazy crime when they got to him.) I could even back up a non-lover on that.

Women sometimes put up with a man's querks. But... add something big, and that's stacking the querks too high. And she was stressed, and he did not have the "stuff" to help her with the stress. The "stuff" meaning love and compassion. Maybe they both did not really build a really good closeness. He didn't marry her, so he was not all that open to a real love thing, making an honest woman out of her, honoring her was a marriage. So what does she really owe this short term relationship... Only common kindness.. not her career and 10 years of non-marriage commitment. No thank you.

And I agree with Classic Ruby, that sometimes that the default is "No." In this case, it's h-ll no! Or "I'm sorry I just cant handle your stuff and you cant' help me handle, I'm already missing days from work. If you want out, I understand."

Elle

Welp, to me it's a case by case scenario when it comes to things of this nature. So many variables that I would factor in to my personal decision. I may have your back, I may not. If I have it, I will have it all the way.

Having dated a drug dealer without knowing it I've been in her shoes - sort of. The difference is that my ex was an ass before him and his boys got busted, so I took that opportunity to get out of an unhealthy relationship - something I didn't have the guts to do at that time. The things which surfaces through TV coverage and newspapers was whoa. I never had the slightest idea because he was doing business all of sorts (club owner, agent for soccer players) so him having money made sense. It wasn't like he wasn't having a job/career but came home with suitcases full of money. Granted, I was young (18-21) and likely oblivious to clues I would be able to pick up on now. But boy, that was a huge chunk to digest at the time. Here I thought dude was "only cheating" on me when in reality he and his boys were running the freaking coke market in the city

Avoiding jail is not as easy as some make it seem. Things can go horribly wrong sometimes for awfully good people. I'd never judge somebody for being charged with a crime. The thing I couldn't live with would be a child abuse/molestation conviction and I do not do the Mike Vick or Charles Manson type. So unless you're a real sicko, we might be able to deal with the situation.
StoryofaWoman

Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I have had time to post let alone read this blog, but I am so happy to be BACK!!! I think a lot of men and women are touching on the issue of the "ride or die chick" ideology. A lot of the men on here believe that a woman needs to be supportive of a man through whatever happens in his life, the ups as well as the downs. There is no problem with the idea itself, HOWEVER it is one-sided. Why don't I hear about men being "ride or die" In what instances does a woman make a man need to "die" for her? Big-time drug dealers tend to be male, unfortunately there are men being incarcerated than women. But this ideology is emphasized so much in our community that women may feel "not good enough" if they do not "ride or die" for their man, and are constantly tested and judged against this standard. I question exactly what a "ride or die" chick actually is and when is it agreeable that sometimes a man may have too many problems to deal with. I haven't heard of a man saying that "I understand if my woman left me because I put them through a lot," acknowledging that their garbage can be too much to handle. Instead, I hear guys keep shouting this mantra to keep the woman from leaving. How many men would "ride or die" for the woman in their lives if they were constantly locked up, or running the risk of being locked up, or in the streets at night, leaving you to take care of the kids and the house, wanting you to be celibate for years and years at a time during incarceration and with multiple stretches, putting money that you don't have on their books, taking long trips up to the prison for visits, paying high phone bills, writing lots and lots of thought provoking letters.., I don't know if men truly understand how it feels to support a man in prison, otherwise they wouldn't ask of it from women as much as they do.
StoryofaWoman

Also, I feel that everyone would agree that a relationship involves reciprocation. So before everyone tries to belittle this woman for her "lack of loyalty," how did her man show his loyalty for her? Despite the stress that the guy was going through, I wonder if he took the time to thank his girl for bailing him out. Instead of being angry, he should've been humble and let her know what was actually going on. How loyal is it being called a "bitch," and getting "fuck you" thrown at you (which is I feel an ultimate insult). What was he willing to do for her? Was he going to show her his loyalty by being there emotionally for her in his trying times? Would he avoid getting "caught up in the system" as much as possible so that her career wouldn't be in jeopardy (which isn't an unreasonable request).Was he really going to pay her back, not with money, but with love, respect, and admiration? It doesn't seem like he wasn't trying to reciprocate anything, and that wouldn't have been a good reason to leave him alone, not because he got arrested. In regards to reciprocation, how does a man really give back to the woman in his life that has his back while being locked up or after he is released?

karmagini

Maybe we don't hear of the man having a ride or die philosophy with his woman, because for those this exists with, it's usually reciprocal... and then we just call it love.
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http://undressingher.com undressingHER

if my main went to jail, depending on what she was in there for, I would still support her...because I feel that she'd support me. I mean, if she wrongfully accused or did something I would do...I'd stay by her side...if she went out and robbed a bank or beat her kids to death, then I'd have to let be on her own with that.
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Elle

your main?

Womanofyr

If he was upfront about his dealings, she would have told him if she wanted to ride or die for any man, or for him. And he was shocked by her technique on processing the stress. So they really did not know each other; had not gone through anything major/important before (not in a together kind of way).
malia

I think that people have a right to determine that they don't want certain elements in their lives and to stand by that. For example, I can't be around smoking. That's like saying if someone takes up smoking and we're already in a relationship, I should stand by them. Unless there's permanent legal commitment, no one owes anyone anything.

I think if you feel that is your level of commitment to stand by someone through potential criminal justice system difficulties, that's fine, but to insinuate that someone else isn't really as good of a mate because they won't is just wrong.

We each decide where we draw our lines, you draw yours as you see fit.

How do you leave? You leave because you're only have to deal with what you CHOOSE to deal with. That kind of "I can't/shouldn't leave" mentality keeps people trapped in toxic relationships, more often than not.
Shannon

I know I could never date a jailbird; I have to think about the long-term consequences of dating such a man. If we decide to get serious, how would that affect us in the long run? Will I get caught up in something he's doing that I don't know about? Does he seem to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time? Is he always in and out of jail for something more than tickets?

I once dated a guy who was a jailbird, but he never disclosed that information; I was on my way to his place to watch the SuperBowl when I turned the corner and saw that his place was being raided and he was being escorted out in cuffs, other officers coming out with what appeared to be several bags of pills and marijuana. Needless to say, he got some serious time and I had to bow out before I got caught up and lost everything.

Sometimes you don't really know what people are up to and it makes no sense to ask; if you ask outright right, either they will tell you a lie and you still won't know or if they tell the truth you might not have wanted to hear it in the first place. I know some men expect their women to follow them into a ditch if he leads them there. Well, he led her there, but she never promised to stay. I think it was for the best that they parted ways; with such a person, it will be hard to trust them and you never know what's coming down the road.
MimiPumpkin

Would I ever do the "stand by my man" if he was serving time in prison? Depends on two things: how much time he has received and what is the crime that he is guilty of?
I can't imagine being a 'ride or die chick' when my man is doing a sentence of three-plus years. I also cannot imagine staying with a man, if he is guilty of a crime where he afflicted harm against other people.

In regards to the story: How was the gun able to found in the boyfriend's apartment? Why did the police search the apartment? There had to be a deemable reason for the search.
Cece Nichole

How would you react if your partner called and said they were arrested?
I've gotten that call....it's not the best. Matter of fact I called him and his mom answered which meant he was locked up. My world ended.
Would you break up over an arrest or would it depend on the charges?
It depends on the charges. Sex crimes, child abuse I can't do.
What crime would you be able to overlook?
My man is in jail for possession with intent to distribute. That is something I can at least live with on some level. Do you believe in innocent until proven guilty when it comes to loved ones?
Yes.
Would you be willing to post someone’s bail?
I'm a single mom and student. I love you but money will have to be found elsewhere.
How much responsibility does a BF/GF have to their partner in a situation like that?
It's to do what you can if you want to.
What do you think of the boyfriend’s reaction to her “needing space?”
Honestly, he may have looked at it as abandoning him when he needed her.
Did it seem like he had a secret life that he was hiding from her?
He may have had his reasons for keeping certain things away from her...perhaps to prevent her from being in there with him.
Could you knowingly date a jailbird?
Yes.
Why?
I am with my Terrence because I know that everyone makes mistakes. To judge him for what he did to end up in jail is not my place. Dating a jailbird is like dating a soldier on deployment...it's not a life for everyone.
bogart4017

Homie was a little too quick with the b-word. Hoodrat sheet got pulled offfa him then. Let him go qfh!
Brittney

I am currently dealing with this subject. I have a guy that I've known since elementary school that after running into numerous times in my life, started developing a relationship with. He's truly the most intelligent man that I know and I have definitely come to love him. Right now, he's locked up for gun charges. I've visited him before (this isn't his first lock up) and am a faithful writer. I knew his game and his lifestyle. I talk to him about it seeing as how he has so much potential but I kno people don't change easily. Now, why do I have such a person in my life? I juggle this a lot. I tend to fall for the thugs and have tried to change this but this particular guy is like impossible to remove from my life. I'm not neccesarily waiting for him to change his life around. I'll hold him down through whatever. But like I said, I see his potential and I see him maturing and getting tired of the game. If he was a strictly low down, no sense whatsoever type of guy, i'd drop him. But having been involved with him for so long, I can't let him go. So, he gets out in October. He has plans. Am I naive for sticking by such a man, dating a jailbird? Sure if that's how u see it. Am I loyal to the ones I love and see potential in, most definitely. My current cell phone ringer: Other Side of the Game, Erykah Badu.
Melisa

In October 2009 I met and quickly fell for a guy that i swore i was going to spend the rest of my life with. I loved being with him. I loved him. He was FAR from my "usual" but something about him caught my heart. I knew he had a past but was not expecting to find out what I did, nor did I expect to go through what I did, dealing with him. On Christmas Eve, we got into an argument over drinking. (Being on parole he wasnt supposed to have it ANYWAY...but if youre offered 3...dont complain cuz you dont have 6...anyway) The cops were called. The first thing he said was "Im going to jail." when i asked why he said "probably child support." I was a hot mess. Felt like everything was my fault. He went to jail and THEN i found out that it was over a parole violation and that he would have to go in front of the parole board before he would be released. I wrote so many letters, family members wrote letters, made so many phone calls, the money i would put on the phone would be gone that day. I would order his "supplies" and made sure he had everything he needed. I visited every day that I could. Then, after seeing the parole board, and was denied, i spoke to a woman at the office of the parole board. Come to find out, this guy was released in May of 09...checked in for June and July and NOTHING after that. He lived in 6 different residences between July and December. This mofo was on the run. I instantly felt like his "love" was based on having a good hiding place. He would always get mad at me for speeding...afraid the police would pull us over and the would get caught. He woulndt go look for a job. He would get the applications, but there was never any follow through. Needless to say, I wrote a nice letter and ended it. I was so hurt that even though I asked him over and over about his parole, that he didnt feel i deserved to know the truth. Just as I told him, had he told me what was up in the beginning, i would have drove him the hour and a half drive to meet with his PO. But his lies ended up getting him back in a place that he SWORE he would never go back to. I tried to be his "ride or die" chick but had to change that to his slide and hide chick!!!