Comments on: Could You Date a Jailbird? (Love on Lockdown)

By: Melisa

Melisa — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 18:52:04 +0000

In October 2009 I met and quickly fell for a guy that i swore i was going to spend the rest of my life with. I loved being with him. I loved him. He was FAR from my "usual" but something about him caught my heart. I knew he had a past but was not expecting to find out what I did, nor did I expect to go through what I did, dealing with him. On Christmas Eve, we got into an argument over drinking. (Being on parole he wasnt supposed to have it ANYWAY...but if youre offered 3...dont complain cuz you dont have 6...anyway) The cops were called. The first thing he said was "Im going to jail." when i asked why he said "probably child support." I was a hot mess. Felt like everything was my fault. He went to jail and THEN i found out that it was over a parole violation and that he would have to go in front of the parole board before he would be released. I wrote so many letters, family members wrote letters, made so many phone calls, the money i would put on the phone would be gone that day. I would order his "supplies" and made sure he had everything he needed. I visited every day that I could. Then, after seeing the parole board, and was denied, i spoke to a woman at the office of the parole board. Come to find out, this guy was released in May of 09...checked in for June and July and NOTHING after that. He lived in 6 different residences between July and December. This mofo was on the run. I instantly felt like his "love" was based on having a good hiding place. He would always get mad at me for speeding...afraid the police would pull us over and the would get caught. He woulndt go look for a job. He would get the applications, but there was never any follow through. Needless to say, I wrote a nice letter and ended it. I was so hurt that even though I asked him over and over about his parole, that he didnt feel i deserved to know the truth. Just as I told him, had he told me what was up in the beginning, i would have drove him the hour and a half drive to meet with his PO. But his lies ended up getting him back in a place that he SWORE he would never go back to. I tried to be his "ride or die" chick but had to change that to his slide and hide chick!!!

By: Brittney

Brittney — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:40:57 +0000

I am currently dealing with this subject. I have a guy that I've known since elementary school that after running into numerous times in my life, started developing a relationship with. He's truly the most intelligent man that I know and I have definitely come to love him. Right now, he's locked up for gun charges. I've visited him before (this isn't his first lock up) and am a faithful writer. I knew his game and his lifestyle. I talk to him about it seeing as how he has so much potential but I kno people don't change easily. Now, why do I have such a person in my life? I juggle this a lot. I tend to fall for the thugs and have tried to change this but this particular guy is like impossible to remove from my life. I'm not neccesarily waiting for him to change his life around. I'll hold him down through whatever. But like I said, I see his potential and I see him maturing and getting tired of the game. If he was a strictly low down, no sense whatsoever type of guy, i'd drop him. But having been involved with him for so long, I can't let him go. So, he gets out in October. He has plans. Am I naive for sticking by such a man, dating a jailbird? Sure if that's how u see it. Am I loyal to the ones I love and see potential in, most definitely. My current cell phone ringer: Other Side of the Game, Erykah Badu.

By: bogart4017

bogart4017 — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 19:02:59 +0000

Homie was a little too quick with the b-word. Hoodrat sheet got pulled offfa him then. Let him go qfh!

By: Cece Nichole

Cece Nichole — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:50:29 +0000

How would you react if your partner called and said they were arrested?
I've gotten that call....it's not the best. Matter of fact I called him and his mom answered which meant he was locked up. My world ended.
Would you break up over an arrest or would it depend on the charges?
It depends on the charges. Sex crimes, child abuse I can't do.
What crime would you be able to overlook?
My man is in jail for possession with intent to distribute. That is something I can at least live with on some level. Do you believe in innocent until proven guilty when it comes to loved ones?
Yes.
Would you be willing to post someone’s bail?
I'm a single mom and student. I love you but money will have to be found elsewhere.
How much responsibility does a BF/GF have to their partner in a situation like that?
It's to do what you can if you want to.
What do you think of the boyfriend’s reaction to her “needing space?”
Honestly, he may have looked at it as abandoning him when he needed her.
Did it seem like he had a secret life that he was hiding from her?
He may have had his reasons for keeping certain things away from her...perhaps to prevent her from being in there with him.
Could you knowingly date a jailbird?
Yes.
Why?
I am with my Terrence because I know that everyone makes mistakes. To judge him for what he did to end up in jail is not my place. Dating a jailbird is like dating a soldier on deployment...it's not a life for everyone.

By: Elle

Elle — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:28:29 +0000

your main?

By: MimiPumpkin

MimiPumpkin — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 21:35:07 +0000

Would I ever do the "stand by my man" if he was serving time in prison? Depends on two things: how much time he has received and what is the crime that he is guilty of?
I can't imagine being a 'ride or die chick' when my man is doing a sentence of three-plus years. I also cannot imagine staying with a man, if he is guilty of a crime where he afflicted harm against other people.

In regards to the story: How was the gun able to found in the boyfriend's apartment? Why did the police search the apartment? There had to be a deemable reason for the search.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 12:25:52 +0000

I know I could never date a jailbird; I have to think about the long-term consequences of dating such a man. If we decide to get serious, how would that affect us in the long run? Will I get caught up in something he's doing that I don't know about? Does he seem to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time? Is he always in and out of jail for something more than tickets?

I once dated a guy who was a jailbird, but he never disclosed that information; I was on my way to his place to watch the SuperBowl when I turned the corner and saw that his place was being raided and he was being escorted out in cuffs, other officers coming out with what appeared to be several bags of pills and marijuana. Needless to say, he got some serious time and I had to bow out before I got caught up and lost everything.

Sometimes you don't really know what people are up to and it makes no sense to ask; if you ask outright right, either they will tell you a lie and you still won't know or if they tell the truth you might not have wanted to hear it in the first place. I know some men expect their women to follow them into a ditch if he leads them there. Well, he led her there, but she never promised to stay. I think it was for the best that they parted ways; with such a person, it will be hard to trust them and you never know what's coming down the road.

By: NWSO

NWSO — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 06:56:07 +0000

All good was just messing with you. No need to poke me in my shoulder again. Ha! see?

All good, family before faux family, wasn't 10 to 1 maybe 6 to 5.

And as soon as I can get a plugin that works I will have the pics back up, unless it was God's way of making sure I never post my face on this site against my better judgment.
My recent post Could You Date a Jailbird Love on Lockdown

By: malia

malia — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 00:09:39 +0000

I think that people have a right to determine that they don't want certain elements in their lives and to stand by that. For example, I can't be around smoking. That's like saying if someone takes up smoking and we're already in a relationship, I should stand by them. Unless there's permanent legal commitment, no one owes anyone anything.

I think if you feel that is your level of commitment to stand by someone through potential criminal justice system difficulties, that's fine, but to insinuate that someone else isn't really as good of a mate because they won't is just wrong.

We each decide where we draw our lines, you draw yours as you see fit.

How do you leave? You leave because you're only have to deal with what you CHOOSE to deal with. That kind of "I can't/shouldn't leave" mentality keeps people trapped in toxic relationships, more often than not.

By: R.e. D

R.e. D — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:47:47 +0000

NWSO, it's like that, lol!!!! You misunderstood me. I don't comment everyday, but I do read every single day. I saw you made reference to me in the comments for today's post. So I was just saying have a good wkend, b/c I don't comment all the time, not b/c I wasn't coming back until Mon. About the party. 2 things actually: If you read my comment some time back, I stated my folks were in town at that time. I just can't share my time when the fam is here, they come first, u know how it is. 2nd: you said the place was packed, no doubt w/ women, ( was it another 10:1 , F:M?! I just can't do it again) so if I was there you would not have known, I would have had to poke you in the chest all over again, lol! Put up the pics again...come on man!

By: karmagini

karmagini — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 22:16:26 +0000

Maybe we don't hear of the man having a ride or die philosophy with his woman, because for those this exists with, it's usually reciprocal... and then we just call it love.
My recent post Why do I paint

By: Sherell1

Sherell1 — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 20:00:54 +0000

LOL

By: Womanofyr

Womanofyr — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 19:41:19 +0000

If he was upfront about his dealings, she would have told him if she wanted to ride or die for any man, or for him. And he was shocked by her technique on processing the stress. So they really did not know each other; had not gone through anything major/important before (not in a together kind of way).

By: The Duchess

The Duchess — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 15:35:42 +0000

PREACH!!!

By: undressingHER

undressingHER — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 14:39:27 +0000

if my main went to jail, depending on what she was in there for, I would still support her...because I feel that she'd support me. I mean, if she wrongfully accused or did something I would do...I'd stay by her side...if she went out and robbed a bank or beat her kids to death, then I'd have to let be on her own with that. My recent post What You Call Lame- I Call Grown

By: StoryofaWoman

StoryofaWoman — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 14:20:59 +0000

Also, I feel that everyone would agree that a relationship involves reciprocation. So before everyone tries to belittle this woman for her "lack of loyalty," how did her man show his loyalty for her? Despite the stress that the guy was going through, I wonder if he took the time to thank his girl for bailing him out. Instead of being angry, he should've been humble and let her know what was actually going on. How loyal is it being called a "bitch," and getting "fuck you" thrown at you (which is I feel an ultimate insult). What was he willing to do for her? Was he going to show her his loyalty by being there emotionally for her in his trying times? Would he avoid getting "caught up in the system" as much as possible so that her career wouldn't be in jeopardy (which isn't an unreasonable request).Was he really going to pay her back, not with money, but with love, respect, and admiration? It doesn't seem like he wasn't trying to reciprocate anything, and that wouldn't have been a good reason to leave him alone, not because he got arrested. In regards to reciprocation, how does a man really give back to the woman in his life that has his back while being locked up or after he is released?

By: StoryofaWoman

StoryofaWoman — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 13:48:25 +0000

Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I have had time to post let alone read this blog, but I am so happy to be BACK!!! I think a lot of men and women are touching on the issue of the "ride or die chick" ideology. A lot of the men on here believe that a woman needs to be supportive of a man through whatever happens in his life, the ups as well as the downs. There is no problem with the idea itself, HOWEVER it is one-sided. Why don't I hear about men being "ride or die" In what instances does a woman make a man need to "die" for her? Big-time drug dealers tend to be male, unfortunately there are men being incarcerated than women. But this ideology is emphasized so much in our community that women may feel "not good enough" if they do not "ride or die" for their man, and are constantly tested and judged against this standard. I question exactly what a "ride or die" chick actually is and when is it agreeable that sometimes a man may have too many problems to deal with. I haven't heard of a man saying that "I understand if my woman left me because I put them through a lot," acknowledging that their garbage can be too much to handle. Instead, I hear guys keep shouting this mantra to keep the woman from leaving. How many men would "ride or die" for the woman in their lives if they were constantly locked up, or running the risk of being locked up, or in the streets at night, leaving you to take care of the kids and the house, wanting you to be celibate for years and years at a time during incarceration and with multiple stretches, putting money that you don't have on their books, taking long trips up to the prison for visits, paying high phone bills, writing lots and lots of thought provoking letters.., I don't know if men truly understand how it feels to support a man in prison, otherwise they wouldn't ask of it from women as much as they do.

By: Womanofyr

Womanofyr — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:21:51 +0000

Oh there seem to be plenty that didn't add up.

Getting the new apartment so quickly. Flipping, calling her a bitch, etc.:the first sign of trouble he was not very understanding.

But why on earth was the police there in the first place. It sounds like he left out that info big time. Was it a warrant for him or his roommate. What else did they find. And why he still in jail. Something she don't know about is definitely going on.

Plus she pointed out that her standards are such that the man must not taint the woman with all his possible thug crap. He showed that he did not meet her standards on that. He aint the one for her.

This wasn't one of those situations where he was just walking or driving somewhere and suddenly the police approached with craziness. I could back a man up on that one, even if he was kinda guilty of resisting arrest. (As long as he was not in the process of doing some crazy crime when they got to him.) I could even back up a non-lover on that.

Women sometimes put up with a man's querks. But... add something big, and that's stacking the querks too high. And she was stressed, and he did not have the "stuff" to help her with the stress. The "stuff" meaning love and compassion. Maybe they both did not really build a really good closeness. He didn't marry her, so he was not all that open to a real love thing, making an honest woman out of her, honoring her was a marriage. So what does she really owe this short term relationship... Only common kindness.. not her career and 10 years of non-marriage commitment. No thank you.

And I agree with Classic Ruby, that sometimes that the default is "No." In this case, it's h-ll no! Or "I'm sorry I just cant handle your stuff and you cant' help me handle, I'm already missing days from work. If you want out, I understand."

By: Classic Ruby

Classic Ruby — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:12:30 +0000

Funny, I was honestly wondering where DC Man was at as well. He's one of my favorite commenters to read while I skulk in the dark recesses of NWSO.net :$
My recent post My Fault… I’m Female

By: Elle

Elle — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 07:54:27 +0000

Welp, to me it's a case by case scenario when it comes to things of this nature. So many variables that I would factor in to my personal decision. I may have your back, I may not. If I have it, I will have it all the way.

Having dated a drug dealer without knowing it I've been in her shoes - sort of. The difference is that my ex was an ass before him and his boys got busted, so I took that opportunity to get out of an unhealthy relationship - something I didn't have the guts to do at that time. The things which surfaces through TV coverage and newspapers was whoa. I never had the slightest idea because he was doing business all of sorts (club owner, agent for soccer players) so him having money made sense. It wasn't like he wasn't having a job/career but came home with suitcases full of money. Granted, I was young (18-21) and likely oblivious to clues I would be able to pick up on now. But boy, that was a huge chunk to digest at the time. Here I thought dude was "only cheating" on me when in reality he and his boys were running the freaking coke market in the city

Avoiding jail is not as easy as some make it seem. Things can go horribly wrong sometimes for awfully good people. I'd never judge somebody for being charged with a crime. The thing I couldn't live with would be a child abuse/molestation conviction and I do not do the Mike Vick or Charles Manson type. So unless you're a real sicko, we might be able to deal with the situation.