Dear (Baby) Mama: You Are Appreciated

This was supposed to go up first thing in the morning last Tuesday as part of my weekly post for MadameNoire, but my editors got caught up at the office and didn’t publish what I submitted until late that afternoon. Although still mine, my words were streamlined considerably in the final piece.

As an editor myself I know that shortened word counts are part of the process, so, normally, it would be no biggie. However, this particular entry was a rebuttal piece to that “Baby Mama” post I did for MadameNoire a few weeks back. I feel like a lot of people got things twisted and I just wanted to clear the air.

While the MadameNoire version was cool, I wanted y’all to read my unedited response in its entirety. Feel free to CLICK HERE.  if you want to check out the MadameNoire post, but below are my unfiltered thoughts…

A few weeks back, my now-infamous post, "How Black Men View Baby Mamas," ruffled a few feathers. In fact, one of my regular Naked With Socks On readers Ronnie6676 of The Candy Shoppe penned her own response, "Why NWSO Pissed Me Off (A Single Mom's Rebuttal)," which I posted on my site. One of my FaceBook friends, Carrie Pink, also voiced her displeasure with me on her blog, Pretty World Inc., with "The Baby Mama Debacle, Pt. 1 & Pt. 2." That's not to mention all the flak I got in the comments section here on MadameNoire and on Twitter (@NakedWithSocks).

Honestly, I’d like to move on from the whole affair but some six weeks later I'm still receiving angry responses. Tired of defending my personal stance and answering the same question(s) over and over again, I decided to state my case one last time here and be done with the discussion for good—hopefully.

After taking some time to step away from the original post, I've gone back and reread what I wrote a few times and I must say that I still stand by every single word. Problem is, I feel as if a lot of people misinterpreted what I meant—but I can see why.

Just to clarify, the intent of my original post was not to classify all unmarried/single women with a child as a “baby mama.” I was initially speaking on the term itself and its use in describing a particular kind of woman. The point was to express the idea that we as a people shouldn’t use and/or accept it because the broken family structure is all too common in our communities and I’d much rather more two-parent households. Then, separately from that, I began to speak on my own personal preference for dating childless women and expressed my reasons why. Covering two topics in the same post, it’s understandable how some of my intent got lost in translation.

To reiterate, I never said that dating a woman with kids was totally crossed out as an option for me—because I know quite a few young mothers that are not just attractive but great women—but where I’m at in my life right now I prefer childless partners. That’s no knock against anyone that has kids for whatever reason (divorcee, widow, planned, accident, etc.) but that’s just my personal preference and I have a right to it. Just like a lot of women prefer a man that’s a certain height, complexion, earns a certain amount, or whatever other arbitrary requirement.

We all have our own ideal partner in mind, but if I’ve learned anything over the years it’s that what we want and what we need are two completely different things. So if the woman of my dreams happens to be a mother I’d love her and her child just as much as if she were childless. I imagine that many women will make the same compromise if their husband wasn’t as tall, dark and handsome as they had initially imagined. At the end of the day, all that should matter is that you and the person you choose to be with are right for each other—child or not.

I pass mothers on the street everyday—both single and partnered—and think to myself how beautiful they look with their child. There’s no way I could look at an innocent child as a “curse” or “burden,” I just have to be honest with myself and admit that I’m selfish right now. But when I actually go through the pregnancy process with the woman that will carry my child, I’ll have nine-months of preparation time to get into the mental space to accept fatherhood. But, right now, to just walk into a situation where I may have to deal with having a child in my life overnight is a bit much to handle. I’ll be the first to admit that the idea of that scares me. At least I’m man enough to admit that, but for the right woman I’m willing to do anything if she’ll let me.

Somewhere along the lines, someone made a comment stating something to the effect of; how could I ostracize single mothers when I myself am the product of a fatherless household. In essence, they suggested that I was disrespecting my mother in the process. I have nothing but love and respect for my mother; not just because she gave me life but I witnessed her strength and determination in raising my three siblings and I by herself.

Yes, she was married and it didn’t work, but I wouldn’t ask her to stay in a relationship with my father just to live out my idea of a nuclear family. See, I understand firsthand that all marriages don’t work and not every single woman with a child automatically becomes labeled a “baby mama.”

Along with marriages failing, husbands die and sometimes a child is conceived between two people who plan to be together forever, but, unfortunately, things just didn’t work out. I’d be a fool to not understand that reality, but it takes two people to make a child so I feel both parents should be involved in raising that child. However, that doesn’t mean they have to be together.

Some couples just don’t function well in a relationship but still manage to make parenting work. I’d much rather see two people that share a child be happy apart than miserable together. The latter doesn’t truly benefit the child in the long run, and at the end of the day I want what’s best for the child—my future little ones or anyone reading this.

Now, I’m not saying that marriage is this magical fix-all for relationships and parenting because we’ve seen numerous unions fall apart. People cheat. People fall out of love. People die. People are more concerned with the wedding day than the actual married years. My point in wanting to be married before having kids is that at least I made a concerted effort to do the “right thing,” or at least what I consider the “right way.” If you have a different vision for your childrearing practices then more power to you and do what works for you.

I know that accidents happen and I could just as well get the wrong (or right) woman pregnant at the wrong time. If that’s what my future holds then so be it, but that doesn’t stop me from trying my best to do things to cut down on that possibility. In the event that I had a child out of wedlock; would that make the mother of my child a “baby mama?” Not necessarily, like I said in the initial post:

“A baby mama, however, is a whole other ball game. Just look at the term itself. It’s detached and impersonal. She’s not called my wife, my girlfriend, or even my lover, but my baby’s mama. That doesn’t denote a loving connection but a relationship of circumstance. Generally, this is just a woman that happened to get pregnant and if not for the child y’all probably wouldn’t have any further contact after the relationship went south. Even if y’all are together, the fact a man would refer to you as his baby mama as opposed to his wife/girl shows that there isn’t much hope for the relationship evolving beyond two people that happen to share a child.”

As the product of a single parent home, I have no problem admitting my own daddy issues. Part of the reason I’m so steadfast in my desire to be in a marriage that actually works is because I don’t want to be anything like my father. I want to be there for my child no matter what and even in the event of me impregnating someone I couldn’t see being called my wife, I pray that she could be more than my girlfriend, or even my lover, but a friend. That way we could raise our child separately but equally. In that scenario, I wouldn’t view her as a “baby mama” but the mother of my child or whatever term we both agreed on.

So whether or not you agree with my dating preferences or my reasons for them, that’s where I stand on the issue. I can’t speak for all Black men’s view of “baby mamas” or on single mothers in general, but these are my thoughts. Regardless of the reasons for why a woman is raising a child on her own, as long as she’s doing what’s best for her child, she is appreciated.

Keep your head up.

For those that were offended by the first “baby mama” post, was it all about the tone or my preference? Can you accept my stance better this time around? Why do you think so many people got upset by the original if they know they aren’t anyone’s “baby mama?” Do you agree that most people without kids of their own still view life from a very “selfish” perspective? Do you agree that some couples work better apart then together? What did you think of the original version of today’s post vs. the edited version on MadameNoire?

Speak your piece…

2010 BLACK WEBLOG AWARD FINALIST

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