6 Reasons Why Men Stop Calling (Are You Bad in Bed?)

0 Posted by - August 3, 2010 - Dear NWSO, Relationships, Love & Marriage

Dear NWSO,

Why is it that men can’t just tell a woman that he’s not looking to date a woman? We exchange text messages; he’s hot on my tail; says he can’t wait to see me; says he can’t wait to make love to me again… But… Weeks pass and nothing, but he’s online constantly. Maybe I should just get the message that he simply likes toying with my emotions. I’m getting mixed signals. Do I just assume he’s not interested? Maybe this is where “actions speak louder than words. Why can’t either a man or woman just let a person know they’re not interested instead of misleading people with false hopes? I need some feedback on this.

Now ain’t that the question of the millennium. Plain and simple; he’s just not that into you. That’s the most clear and succinct answer to the scenario you laid out. However, you asked me, WHY?

While there are a multitude of reasons for why someone (male or female) is flaky and sends mixed signals, but I have a few possible answers for you based on my own personal experiences. Would you like to hear them? Of course you do; so here goes:

1) There’s Someone Else More Important Than You

Hate to put it so bluntly, but the only thing that keeps a man away from a woman he’s already sexed is even better sex elsewhere. That, or the sex was wack, but since most women don’t believe they can actually be wack in the sack (CLICK HERE), we’ll just say there’s someone else. If you’re dealing with a guy that’s dating other people or is afraid of confrontation, he won’t just come out and say, “Hey, I’m seeing someone else and I’m actually feeling them more.” It’s not the easiest thing to hear or say, so if he’s a punk then being flaky seems like a better option. You should get the picture eventually.

2) Maybe You Are Wack in the Sack

I know it’s a tough pill to swallow but sometimes we aren’t as good in the sack as we all think we are. Hey, even I have a dad night every once in a while. **Gasp** Not sure how my times you and dude have been intimate, but perhaps you were wack and he’s interested in giving you another shot (that’s when he’s flirty) but then remembers the experience and opts for a more reliable bed partner for the night instead (that’s when he’s flaky). I’m sure you’re wondering: Why someone would pursue someone that’s wack in the sack? Simple, a man likes options ’cause even wack pucci is better than no pucci. So when all else fails you could serve as a backup to good pucci. But, I’m sure you are a nice young lady with a wonderful pucci, I’m just providing a possible theory in reference to all those OTHER women with wack pucci. LOL.

3) His Wife/Girlfriend Didn’t Approve of Your Relationship

Don’t you hate when that happens? You’re really feeling someone and enjoying hanging out at random hours then you find out they’re wife/GF would rather they spent all that quality time with them instead of you? The nerve of some people. LOL. Seriously, though, there are dudes in “committed” (and I use that word loosely) relationships that try to see if they still got “it” and find themselves in too deep with someone else. Either they come to their senses and disappear or their significant other finds out and makes them come to their senses and disappear.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/tffhthewriter tffhthewriter

    Although I have never fallen victim to the no call back, I am very guilty of the brush off. Most of the time it's either because dude was whack in the sack OR he was moving way too fast (ie: trying to tie me down in week 2). All in all, can it be handled differently, yes but most people don't want to be known as a jerk. Great post!

    • http://www.Blackplanet.com Ambi

      You hit it on the nose and made some good points. As a rule if you get to know a person first, then you'll pretty much know before you hit the sack where they are coming from and avoid getting your feelings hurt.

    • Anonymous

      I completely agree with this article. If a man does not make it official, he’s not into you or he’s not into you at the moment (doesn’t mean he will change his mind though.) Instead of deciphering through mixed messages- just find someone else. I had a similar thing happen to me- where the guy was lying straight to my face telling me how much he wanted me and how good I was in bed. He stopped contacting me and I found out through mutual friends that he’s was saying crap like I was awful in bed and he got bored. Instead of being a man and telling me this to my face (and actually giving me constructive criticism about how I can improve in that department) he was making excuses to justify his lack of commitment to me. Either way- it’s not worth it and you deserve to be with a guy who is going to be direct and honest with you. 

    • ISH-Hubby n Wife Duo

      Yea, I understand what you’re saying. I don’t think I’ve ever done it, but I have been a victim of the situation. We were seeing each other for about 4 or 5 months, and all of a sudden he stopped calling. Later, I learned that he felt that I wanted more, and he wasn’t ready for that, so he tried to let me go by not calling. Some situations deserve more of an explanation than a brush off. By trying not to be a jerk, many people are actually just that in the other person’s eyes, because of the way they handled ending things.

    • Communic8

      I hope you had the decency to tell him directly that you didn’t want to see him anymore, instead of just taking the cowardly way out by avoiding contact.

  • Miss Conception

    Here is my question: why is it so hard to commit to a relationship if you act like you are in one? I know this doesn't have to do with disappearance per se, but I do have to admit it is just as frustrating to deal with a man who asks to be friends with benefits, yet can't really be your "friend" if you know what I mean? It is like you feel like this is a relationship because of the constant arguments, the amount of time invested in whatever affair is between the two, and the feelings are more than friends should share. If I feel like I am in a relationship with you, why is it hard to just take that step to be with me in a relationship? Also, I would rather prefer someone disappearing than to play with my emotions with the friends with benefits bullshit. If you can't tell how angry I am, then maybe I should reiterate that I don't believe in people tampering others emotions for pleasure and pure entertainment.

    Now, for those who can do it, more power to you. But from someone who finds more value in her time, and doesn't have time for someone to toy with my heart. If you don't want to be with me in a relationship, then just remain my friend and keep fantasizing about us having sex. At least we are saving each other the drama and heartache.

    Back on topic, busyness is what I feel is my problem with why I don't respond. If a guy is trying to talk to me, I really try to make time to speak to him. I can't do that if he doesn't put forth any effort into wanting my time. I don't believe in take all or nothing when it comes to relationships, I believe in compromise. If there is something that I need to change about me, I will be more conscious around you for making a change, but you also must consider that this makes me who I am. For example: if you don't like my smoking habit, I am willing to smoke less around you or to try different quitting mechanisms. But you have to be patient with me in the process, and learn that I use this for whatever reason. I am going on a tangent.

    • http://www.nwso.net NWSO

      You do realize that you play a big part in the "benefits' department. If befits aren't part of your deal don't offer them and definitely don't allow someone to sneak away with out making their co-payments. Lol.

      I come from the school of thought that no one can do anything to you that you don't allow. Especially in relationship. If you choose to have sex with no commitment, you'll likely remain in a situation with more sex than relationship until you either demand more (and receive it) or call it quits.

      As for why someone would want to go through all the ropes of acting like a relationship without committing? Simple, they can because you were cool with it. A man can't sleep with you or act like he's in a relationship with no commitment unless you play your part in the equation.
      My recent post Dear Baby Mama- You Are Appreciated

      • Elle


      • Shola

        so true! and i've learn that the hard way…

      • Miss Conception

        hey hey hey… wait a min… did you make your co-payment? I believe this shit isn't for free, and you don't start off with just $199 down. LOL You are crazy.

        I do consider I play a part in the benefits department. I am trying to figure out since when did I become a candidate for the friends with benefit? Was it before you wanted to be friends, or after we became friends? I did try it one time, and damn, all the sudden all I get are dudes who aren't "looking for a relationship, but friends with benefits would be nice." Well, I appreciate your honesty, and I am not looking for a relationship myself. Instead, I will just allow it to find me. Please, tell me signs that a woman is potential friends with benefits so I can avoid it as much as possible?

        • curious

          TOTALLY HEAR YOU THERE. I don’t think there is one. But to be safe don’t compromise your wants and needs to just make things work and to get him to keep interest, because you think his attitude (so to speak )mirrors your attitude. That’s how it starts .Sorry ,but true, most men aren’ looking at the notion THINGS MAY EVOLVE as you date. No! He sees freebee.no dinners and movies, No real expenses. Sad!..for them, they blow through the good catches and end up setting or picking what they think will do..I have heard too many men flash back to first loves and the girl who stole their mind and heart but they treated her such disrespectful. That not from being a guy or growing up but the company he keeps, and SORRY home training.

      • curious

        Really nice to hear a real mans STRAIGHT FOWARD POV. Keep it up. I am hooked.

    • malia


      Don't deal with that guy. Seriously. A year down the line, you will never look back and go "what if?" but if you keep dealing with him you WILL wish you hadn't wasted too much time. Red flags all over the place, don't ignore them, push forward, and then blame HIM for not being able to make it official. You're choosing to stay.

      • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/mkuptart JC

        I'm there now…dealing with so much time wasted…it isn't a disappearing act per say but a friends with benefits that was once ok, but now…not.
        Funny how at times he did disappear…but now that I want to disappear he is all up in my a$$.
        My recent post Sleep much

  • http://twitter.com/sunshyne84 @sunshyne84

    Yea I've been there. I like to think it's a case of #5 most of the time. I think if you're busy you can at least call or text, just a little something to keep them out of the dark. I've disappeared on a few myself though. I just feel like it's not a good match and it won't go anywhere so I quit answering the phone. I know, horrible.

  • http://twitter.com/sn3akrfr3akr @sn3akrfr3akr

    I think a lot of guys are afraid of a few things. If they're casually dating females – they don't want her to get caught up and start catching feelings. That opens up the can of worms called "Relationship," and if they're not trying to be tied down – they'll avoid it at all costs. Other times, like you said – they're just not ready. It's up to the female to decipher the Code of Man, and then decide if she's willing to wait and possibly waste her time – or if she should be on to the next one. I'm more willing to be straightforward and let a guy know I'm not even interested – that way there's no confusion.

  • Shannon

    When it comes to dating, men tend to jump in with both feet; when it comes to relationships, they tend to stick a toe in the water and tread lightly to avoid the shark or piranha feeding frenzy they tend to perceive relationships to be.

    Men tend to be less discriminating with sex partners and more discerning with who might be The One, primarily because they want to be sure they are getting what they want, but also that they can deliver on what that special woman deserves from him. Furthermore, relationships require a certain degree of vulnerability and while women see that as empowering and a means of trust, men find it not to be the case; they don't like to be vulnerable, so they tend to pull back and keep distance…that is, unless they know they can get the sex.

    This is the primary reason sex is something that should be put on the back burner. Sex too soon is self love too late and since men have the ability to have sex without emotional attachment, women tend to bear the heavier burden. The whole "friends with benefits" was probably an idea concocted by a man to allow him the free access to the sex he wants without the relationship and commitment he doesn't want.

    Regardless of the reason, when it comes to matters of the heart–and body–men, who typically prefer direct communication, will balk and hesitate to come right out and tell a woman, "Hey, I'm just not feeling you because the sex is wack, I met someone else I'm feeling even more and I'm a workaholic and don't have time for much else but sex." Men don't want to appear the jerk or bum that they know they are and they don't want the woman to hate him, mainly because he knows he may never get another shot in bed with her and she might tell her friends about him and they will tell their friends and that will limit his possibilities.

    I've met several men who claimed they were so into me, that they saw us together forever and all that, but hell…a man will do and say whatever if it gets him laid. Once those men realized the sex wasn't forthcoming, they gradually began to become too busy to hang out or visit or even call, even though he appears to have time for everything and everyone else. In a man's mind, by not calling, simply disappearing or becoming too busy, he feels he is sparing a woman's feelings by not being direct, whereas in a woman's mind, she is being ignored and brushed off for seemingly no reason and alas, this is where the conflict comes in. He thinks simply not calling is sufficient enough to get his message across. Well, it does, but not in the gentle way he thinks it does.

    Men do what works…for other men. If there was an annoying guy friend he wanted to avoid, he would simply not call and always be too busy to hang out and eventually the friend would get the point and move on. The problem is, it doesn't work with relationships and women (usually). With women, if we didn't want to be bothered, we would just come right out and say, "Look, we've been hanging out for a good while, but I need to chill out for a while, so I won't be calling and visiting as much," and each party knows not to expect a call or a visit and no feelings are hurt.

    I have to admit, I don't waste my time deciphering or solving the Code of Men. I have far better things to do with my time, plus I know if a man truly wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing will make him stay. I've seen this in action too many times to know how true it is. Even a busy man will make room and time for a woman he truly wants and he will never leave her guessing.

    However, we know that men can be selfish, men can be clueless and insensitive. Most of the time when he says, "It's not you, it's me," he really means, "It's not me, it's you, but I don't want to tell you that because you'll hate me and talk about me to your friends and I won't have as big a playing field, plus I still want to be able to slide by at 3 a.m. when nothing else is jumping off." I too wish men were more honest, direct and straightforward. It would certainly help.

    • Elle

      And while I know I got some flack for saying it in reference to a similar topic I'll say it again: men are cowards. End of story. Shannon just put it more elaborately. Men hate to be the jerks they know they are.

      Can't add anything to that. She said it all.

      • Spinster


        Too many questions. Too many "answers". Too many games. Too much bullshit. Too old for all of it.

        Then, when people like me say "To hell with this, singlehood is the way to go", other people look at us like WE'RE the ones who are nuts. Why, because we wanna keep our sanity? Because we ain't got time for all these bullshit ass deciphering sessions? FOHWTBS.

        All this game playing shit is for the birds. Women need to get it together and stop falling for this garbage. Men need to stop dabbling in bitchassness yesterday. Period.

        • Jaclyn


      • lola289

        haha! back to "Men Are Cowards" idea! Elle, you should write a post on it! seriously… =D

      • Tinafarris86

        cowards.  yes indeed.

    • curious

      BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN ( said). I find it weird that men don’t realize that their avoidance and their demonic , loser attempt to spare feelings, and to also ensure they can hit someone else that maybe or is in your mix – crowd – their efforts do the total opposite. In truth,The problem goes 10 fold. She rips in, and she may help it along with some extra words…what’s that comment. NOTHING LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED. She’s not being a bitch just what that guy created.

      I can image how men want to avoid being humiliated by their peirs but when not thinking with proper intentions haven’t a clue that their nonchalant, flippant manners makes them look like a relationship serial killer… Who wants to know that person.? Being Up front Really goes a long way and ensues true respect..and a healthier direction for both individuals. Therefore, we’re not talking honesty with heightened arrogance – but just be honest. And not some need to give some shredd of proof that he’s the man, and he had to clue her in on his stud behavoir. It just reads he keeps poor company and his mother (parents) raised them poorly and raised a monster , or he’s mentally challaged at the levels of a half wit.

      I do understand the fear most men face when most women don’t get it. I have noticed there are some needy and desperate females out there…but I feel its due to the very thing this blog – article focuses on ,and what you’ve written in this comment. It is clear to me now that men really feel more vulnerable and prove it by behaving like nethanderals. Time to evolve guys… but i give much esteem credit for the blogger , he is man enough to explore this venue for those that are curious. That takes a real MAN to open up. Much respect for that. TRULY, THANK YOU TO YOU BOTH FOR YOUR GRET CANDOR!

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      Part of the problem is that some women think it’s always the man’s job to phone. It’s not. If you are one of those, learn to pick up the phone yourself. By that I do not mean go overboard by calling 10 times a day — just reach out and communicate as much as he does. If you want a second date, don’t complain that he doesn’t call — just call him up and ask for one. We want you to be more assertive and show us that you are into us.

      Word to the guys — Even if she’s hot, life’s too short to waste your time chasing after a woman who keeps sending mixed signals by being alternately friendly/flirty until she has you wanting more, and then distant until it looks like you might be giving up interest, then friendly/flirty again. This is not the style of someone who is interested but shy — she is playing this game because she likes the ego-boosting attention of having someone after her. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if you keep at it long enough, she will eventually put out. She’ll drag the hot/cold routine out until she gets bored with you, at which point she will either suddenly give a curt dismissal and pretend she was never leading you on, or pull a disappearing act.

  • Enid Wilson

    What if he's wack in the sack and too embarrassed to call? Hehe, I'm the glass half full kind of wacko.

    Steamy Darcy

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

      Doesn't everyone get a two shot ass pass to make sure the first time was just a fluke or not? Maybe that's me… We all have bad nights, right? I mean, so I've heard.. LOL
      My recent post Dear Baby Mama- You Are Appreciated

      • dbaby11

        @nwso…lol i agree, its never mind blowing the first time, two shots!!!

      • Spinster


  • paulette_bajan_gal

    Lmao…I just experienced this over the weekend…but I was the one doing it.Went on a date and there were just too many red flags.Couldn't even get pass certain things about him to kiss him at the end of the night.We made plans for a second date today but I sent him a "we are not compatible" message on Facebook last night.

    Yup….I dumped the dude via Facebook.A first for me.He texted, called, peed over my God damn wall all weekend long and I ignored it all.He was definitely VERY into me.But at least I was woman enough to explain it instead of just dropping the dude like a hotcake. I agree with Elle but I will go further and say men are pussies.There are sooooooo many men in NYC…not sure why a man can't just say what he means and mean what he says.I'm not gonna cry over you thinking we are not compatible…I respect communication.

    I am not wack in the sack…so you can remove that from my list.lmao.

    • Elle

      Haha, I initially typed "pussies" but opted for "coward" instead.

      LMAO ^5

      • Dc Man With a Plan

        C'mon, Elle. ALL men? Or just ALL the men you know and have been with? Anywho, as Rasta said, if you wanna play the adult role, you gotta be ready for what comes with it–ESPECIALLY once sex is involved. IF you think sex and committment or dating go together–YOU best make sure both of you feel the same way b4 you go down that road. On the other hand, if sex is just "sex" then there is no guilt or questioning "why" he or she isn't calling anymore. BUT if you make good dating decisions, your anguished moments will be few and far in between……..

        • Elle

          Certainly not all men. And for the most part not the men I have been with – since it's only been a few. I am not actively dating, nor have I really ever been out on the dating scene BUT I see what my girls experience on a daily basis. And I hate to say it .. men are pussies. Maybe not ALL the time or with EVERY woman they meet but every man makes a bitch ass move in regards to AT LEAST one woman in his lifetime. Ergo: pussy. Integrity isn't something men can hold up consistantly throughout their lifetime. Unfortunately.

    • dbaby11

      …peed all over you wall????? lmao ok gotta use that sometime!
      and i agree communication is the best key.

    • QuoteMan

      Men are pussies? That’s funny; did it ever occur to you, there might be something about you that attract pussy ass men? NYC don’t raise pussies, get it right.

      Dude you dealt with was nothing but a sucker for love. What kind of dude sweats some ass he hasn’t even hit yet, not a BK dude, that’s for sure. Smh.

      Let me stop; don’t get me back in that space, I’m tryin to stay civil. LOL

      • paulette_bajan_gal

        @Quoteman…dudes sweat me all the time to hit it.You are not a woman to know how dudes approach me.Most men will do what they have to do to get the pussy….lie their asses off and act like they are about anything else but getting the pussy…to get the pussy.In Brooklyn.Sounds like you are not out there enough to know what's up.

        Something about me??Don't get it twisted.The pool of pussy ass men in Brooklyn is pretty big.Like…I could hire the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line and they could fit their whole fleet up in that pool.lmao.Not saying there aren't decent men in Brooklyn but since you aren't dating them…listen to the women who are.

        • QuoteMan

          You’re hilarious, get over yourself, would you? Lol


          • curious

            In your next life. God willing YOU’LL BE A FEMALE. Then SPEAK. 90% of women can’t be all wrong.and just because you cant admit YOU ARE THAT GUY, possibly.why would I say such – your ARROGANCE. Plus you couldn’t find a better way to prove her wrong if you think you are so right.
            Men who live and play in N.Y. (even newly placed) I quess on another scale , which they feel is higher feel arrogance, of ENTITLEMENT. THEIRS, OTHERS, AND DARE I SAY
            Your ENTITLEMENT IS THE ISSUE. Saying get over yourself proves you are a clueless. And pretty self involved.you think you’re hot shit. Well go ahead , Boris kojoe.
            Who I might add is a sweet guy. Take a better note.

        • The Duchess

          Brooklyn ninjas are the CRAZIEST! LMAO

    • curious

      Sweet child of mine, DID YOU WRITE HE ” PEED “! you have proper spidey senses. Glad you caught yourself before it was too deeply invested. As if, you noticed the deal with him. Thats why you are free from – What a nut. Behavior like that would have gotten worse. He showed true color, if such.

      I love how men like to assume the female will behave like a loon.really, I think they wish it would. Makes them seem so much more desirable. Why? They dont hide the notion, they humorously brag about such acts with other men sounds like you like that wackness. Tool behavior. its always about the male pride. “Pride”! better behavior and shows that men have more self respect. AND COMMON SENSE!

      What you’ve written exposes that men dont like being caught off THEIR GUARD. and Have no issue doing it to females.i see it as understanding they want to sheild their true selves – seems to be more self hatred for the unwilling.

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      WHY did you make plans for a second date? I mean, if you already knew you weren’t into him enough to want to kiss at the end of the first one? If I’ve scheduled a date with someone and then she changes her mind, I would expect a phone call if not explaining it in person. That’s what I would do, if I made a date with someone and then changed MY mind. Posting on Facebook is NOT being “woman enough” or whatever you want to call it — especially not when the poor guy was trying to contact you the whole weekend, and you just ignored it and waited until the night before to even post a note. Look in the mirror before you call men pussies!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/dashofreality dashofreality

    All true. I approve this post. Ladies, keep it moving.
    My recent post Guys- please stop harassing women

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

      LOL you funny Dashah
      My recent post Dear Baby Mama- You Are Appreciated

  • Rastaman

    When u disappear ur a pussy, when u tell them like it is ur being too harsh. I use to disappear when I was much younger but it was typically because I just did not care to explain. Why?

    One of or a combination of all or some of the reasons NWSO listed. Please, I was ghost with chicks I with whom there was no sex. Was i scared to say why I was no longer interested. I just did not feel like taking the time to explain.

    Fast forward, now I do tell them but don’t get me wrong I am not necessarily doing it for the women’s sake but for my own. I am at a place in my life today where I can’t afford loose ends. Unresolved things qualify as such. So nowadays I in no unmistakeable terms express just what my problems with her or the relationship are…..is it an upgrade for me yes, for the women I don’ t know. I don’t do exit interviews.

    My advice to women in these situation is stop playing the victim. You want to play at being a grown up with sex and relationships then stop the “woe is me” when sht don’t go as expected. Like sending a FB note is a sign of maturity. Why didn’t u just use a post it?

    Rejection is rejection no matter how want to portray it. That’s like folks who complain about inhuman killing. Like to the dead it makes a difference.

    The basis of any relationship or potential relationship is at least 2 people. Who really wants to be with someone who does not cherish them?

    We have all been left by someone we were feelingion some manner but that’s life. You suck it up and keep it moving and hopefully next time it’s someone with whom there is more. There are no guarantees in this life except death, everything else you got to work at, no one is going to offer it to you.

    At the end of the day does it truly matter why u no longer the flavor of the moment? Does a palatable excuse change the fact that they are still not interested?

    I don’t really think it makes too much of a difference in the long run. But for some others it must be a consolation.

    • GoDiva

      Preach it! I appreciate the adult manner in which you put this. That's what all of this comes down to. Sheer honesty with oneself. Thanks Rastaman.

    • Miss Conception

      Naw… naw… naw. I will play the devil's advocate on this one. You want me to stop playing the victim? How about stop committing the crime? You want me to be a grown woman and get over the situation? How about don't put me there in the first place? Don't compare unfortunate events with egotistical bullshit. Don't give me a reason to feel this way. Plain and simple. If you knew potentially there wasn't anything there, then why the hell waste my time? I have enough problems on my list. Don't feel welcomed to add your name to that list. Do me a favor. The next time you (not you Rastaman, lol) want to play with someone's emotion, make sure you get yourself a Barbie. I digress

      Nothing against you personally Rastaman, but I can't agree with thinking it is cool to advocate such behavior from the men of today. I get tired of the same bullshit, different men, and it is time I let it be known that this is the wrong bitch and move on to the next one you want to play the "friends with benefits." You don't want to be just my friend? We don't have to be anything. I paid for my benefits, $39.95. Thank you.

      • Shannon

        I couldn't have said it better myself, Miss Conception. I take my hat off to you on this one *takes a deep bow* and agree with you wholeheartedly. I try not to lump men into the same "jerk" category, but it's high time men took a look at their own behavior instead of blaming women. Why can't men ever take responsibility for the hurt, pain, confusion and chaos they create? That's like telling me to stop replacing things stolen from my house or move instead of the person robbing me to stop breaking in. It's crazy.

        • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/mkuptart JC

          I co-sign with Shannon, Miss Conception said it best. I make it a point to be upfront and honest about what I want and what I am looking for when dealing with a man. If my stance changes during the course of seeing him I am vocal then too.
          Men have the problem being vocal. Men have a problem understanding the difference between what they want and what they can have. Life is not a free for all. Decisions will cause actions that will cause reactions…plain and simple. Think before you act. Stop being afraid of "having the talk" and just have it. Be honest with people.

          My recent post Sleep much

        • Miss Conception

          I don't want to do it either, because the few and inbetween get lost in the mix of the handicap spots. I know not all men are like that, but the ones who are can't stay away from women like you and I because they like the special treatment. It isn't fair how they try to tear us apart so when the good guy comes around who doesn't advocate the premature behavior, we can't fully bring things to the table due to trust issue.

        • curious

          Hahaha. Hysterical! So funny!

      • curious

        Ha! love it. SORRY, she is right. Women being just a sport or not. There are more going on than men are aren’t willing to admit…really, people like to hide their addictions.yes! Addiction! Or insanity. ? And you know what they say ahout that. And trailing woman like that is just that.

    • curious

      Sweet and honest. But women suffer from this problem more often than we can count.men don’t. Women don’t find any need to play dumb.its like sport…the challenge is on for most men. That’s sad. So for every time we have to Suck it up. Really hun, get real.no women can handle that for too much and too long.

      TRULY, YOU ROCK, FOR YOUR HONESTY AND ACTIONS AS YOU GREW..but reality. Women are human, and just dealing..really flip that switch and think about that play if we did that crap to you Everyday you live and breath

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/mkuptart JC

    Have you ever had someone you thought was feeling you only to have them just disappearing out the blue? – Yes

    Did you ever get a chance to find out what happened to them? – No. I wondered for a while but trying to decipher why (without a willing partner) proved to use up too much energy.

    Do you generally assume it’s someone else of that they’re just not into you?- I try not to assume…For the sake of my ego I like to go with " he just got busy."

    Would you rather someone tell you that you were wack in the sack or just disappear? – Be honest…regardless of what type of relationship we have be honest so I can learn and do better for the next.

    Do you buy being “busy” as a valid excuse for being flaky? – At times NO, in this day and age it really doesn't take much to let a person know that you are thinking of them. You might not have time for a date or a phone conversation but a text explaining that you are busy but that you are thinking of them goes a long way.

    Or do you believe that even busy people make time for people they really want to? – Yes I do believe that… if you want someone you will find a way to show it.

    Can you respect someone that realizes they’re not in the right space to do right by you? – I can. I have been there. What I don't like is men who use that excuse, disappear, then resurface only to be in the same place. The disappear act is supposed to be time to fix, change, realize whatever you didn't before.

    What did you think of my heavy dose of reality in my reply?- Need. Myself included sometimes hears and sees what we want. The purpose of reading this blog other than entertainment, lol is to get that does of reality.
    My recent post Sleep much

  • Anonymous

    I have a question….I met someone thru an online dating site and on paper he seemed perfect. Studying for a PhD, good family values, VERY cute etc. (Before you say it, yes I know people can totally create another persona online) so we decided to meet up 2 weeks ago. The date went amazingly well. So well that we were with each other from 8:30pm-4:15am. Just having drinks, hit a club etc. We were even holding hands while moving from spot to spot. I honestly can't said one bad thing about the night. There was amazing chemistry, we shared the same humor, touchy feely etc. So I text him when I got home and said "I'm home. Get in safe". He hit me right back and said "You beat me by 5 mins. Had a great time. G'night". Sooooo…I haven't heard from him since. No email, phone call, text- NADA. I went online a few days later to see if he had been on and his profile had disappeared. WTF!!!!! Help!!! I'm so confused….Was it me? Is there something I could have done that made him run in the opposite direction!?!?!?

    • The Duchess

      Did you spend money that night?

      • Anonymous

        Yeah I bought a few rounds of drinks…

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/mkuptart JC

      Honestly and I say this from experience…don't give it another thought. Put him out of your mind and focus on meeting someone else if that is what you wish to do.

      On the other hand you can email him if you want. But if you still get no response…keep it moving.
      My recent post Sleep much

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

      I would say see 1-6 above for possible options. Just take your pick LOL. But then the whole FB profile disappeared? That's a bit odd. I figure it's more coincidence than having to do with you because you said it was a great date and it sounded like it to. Aside from that though I have no clue on that one.

    • paulette_bajan_gal

      Have fond memories of the date and figure he did you a favor.He probably had other issues that really weren't related to you per se.Don't take it personal.Lots of other great dudes out here to date.You just never know what will happen the day after.

    • QuoteMan

      For a closure, you could look at it this way, dude is a sex offender and he’s locked up. And y’all know the social networking sites are chasing these dudes off their sites. That’s why his profile on fb has been removed. So, call it good riddance and keep it moving. Because you could rummage your brain for all the possible answers, you’d draw blank.

      In a pinch, you could look him up in the registry.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for your input guys :)

      • curious

        I agree on that answer. The wacko lied in a big way. And he is on the run.. she dodged a bullet. God bless her safety online.

    • Elle

      LoL dude probably got a girl and she found out about his online dating habits = made him remove the profile ..

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      Said it before, I’ll say it again — YOU should get in touch with HIM. Call, email, text, whatever, just don’t sit there wondering why he doesn’t. This is 2014, it’s your responsibility as much as his.

      • TrySomethingDifferent

        Of course it’s possible he did just flake for heaven knows what reason — the vanishing profile sounds odd — but you may never know if you just sit there waiting for him instead of taking the initiative to reach out and ask for a second date yourself.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks JC- I have actually been on another date since then so really not giving him too much thought but still confused. Never experienced that before and it's totally thrown me off!! I've never had a problem being the first one to reach out after a date but considering his online profile has disappeared I'm not going to.

    NWSO- what are your thoughts?

  • Rastaman

    I have a question: Why do women who in all intents and purposes are smart and accomplished in many areas, seek to play the victim in relationships?

    I think if women can answer this for themselves, they will then understand how much of a role they play in their own happiness. Because it can’t be him everytime, sometimes it’s just you!!

    • R.e.D

      I am not sure why there is always this men vs women battle. We have all had bad experiences with the opposite sex and we have likely had some good ones as well.

      I can see your point with the above statement, but in all honesty after the anger fades, the smoke clears and you stop crying for 2 seconds, every single woman asks herself the same thing when a relationship ends: What did I do wrong.

      No matter how much the guy cheated, or lied or abused us in any way, we sit and ponder, for an extended time, what we did to make the relationship go awry. So while on the exterior we may play the 'victim' role, deep, deep down, we always try to ascertain what we could have done to save that relationship. At least I did.

      I wish to expand more tonight but I simply cannot. NWSO, this was an excellent post, yesterday's as well.

    • love aki

      Most women don’t know their value. Women have all the power! We need to raise our standards and the man will jump to meet them.

      • TrySomethingDifferent

        With that attitude, I would not *want* to meet you. Value and power are two different things. Women who want to make you jump through hoops are so not worth it (speaking from experience). The good-hearted ones — and there are many — are not like that.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/candaxe candaxe

    Have you ever had someone you thought was feeling you only to have them just disappearing out the blue?

    Did you ever get a chance to find out what happened to them?
    Yes – Some guy had a minor case of number 5 but he did think he was the ONE was for me..or I was the one for him….after his players days obviously… I find the whole thing funny…now

    Do you generally assume it’s someone else of that they’re just not into you?
    No I try not to make definite assumptions but they are among the possibilities along with..he is unsure of his sexual preference, he's got a difficult choice between me and Halle Berry….who knows LMAO. The point is us women like to go crazy with theories to answer the why…it just does not matter…really

    Would you rather someone tell you that you were wack in the sack or just disappear?
    None of the above…I would expect that person to be sensitive and full of tact. Dialogue? Gotta be opened to discuss your respective preferences….but maybe WACK is another level or just lack of sexual chemestry?

    Do you buy being “busy” as a valid excuse for being flaky? Or do you believe that even busy people make time for people they really want to?
    YES even busy people make time for people they really want to. But not for just anyone.If they feel it can be special, yes they will… I think

    Can you respect someone that realizes they’re not in the right space to do right by you?
    Definitely they get points for that..however they can loose it with the flaky attitude. Why would you start something you can't handle? At least be sensitive about it and yes mature and yes us women like explanations :)

    What did you think of my heavy dose of reality in my reply?
    On target right on target

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      *Everybody* likes explanations.

  • QuoteMan

    My comment get deleted but paulette calling men names get to stay. smh

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

      Still gone or did it get approved? See above. May have been the p-word that led to the spam catch
      My recent post Dear Baby Mama- You Are Appreciated

  • MissMe83

    Interesting topic…and sooooo true. Guys do this all the time, but I have to just keep it moving b/c I can't worry my mind about this. It is interesting though, I met someone online a LONG time ago…didn't give him the time of day really….he kept trying to just have casual conversation with me…etc and I brushed him off. Now the tables have turned…I would love to spend time with him, chit chat it up more often…but he's "just not that into me" (and of course he didn't say this…but his actions are screaming it) So I just have to move around.

    NWSO…#3 happened to me!!!! (of course it did…I bet it's EXTRA common) I gave dude my number, we talked it up, started sending text messages back and forth that SAME DAY. Then about 5 hours later, his girlfriend calls me…WTF?!?!?!?! Then dude had the nerve to tell me it wasn't his girlfriend, just his crazy friend…umm that's ok guy…lose my number.

  • rwfiey

    dear fellas,
    if life isnt where you want it to be, if your finances arent where you want them to be, if your not really feeling me……..KEEP IT MOVING *screamin* DONT ASK ME FOR MY NUMBER!

    thank you good night

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      Sure you don’t mean if his finances aren’t where YOU want them to be? So many women just into money, it’s sad. Of course many guys are just into looks, which could be said to be just as shallow, but at least in that case it’s something specific to the person, and not just materialism.

  • Lola

    Have you ever had someone you thought was feeling you only to have them just disappearing out the blue?
    – Yes

    Did you ever get a chance to find out what happened to them?
    – Yes

    Do you generally assume it’s someone else of that they’re just not into you?
    – I try not to make certain assumptions about (or excuses for) a man's behavior in an effort to protect my ego. My first thought in situations like this is to assume that he's just not that into me. I'd rather assume the worst and be surprised by good news (i.e. he actually is feeling me, hasn't been in touch for an acceptable reason, and has made genuine efforts to reconnect) rather than lie to myself (i.e. "he likes me, he's just a really good guy and doesn't want to hurt the girl he MUST be with (cause that has to be the sole reason he's not calling me)") and then be disappointed months later when I still haven't heard from him.

    Would you rather someone tell you that you were wack in the sack or just disappear?
    – For some reason, I have to have closure, so although hearing something like that would sting, I'd rather know than wonder why he disappeared.

    Do you buy being “busy” as a valid excuse for being flaky? Or do you believe that even busy people make time for people they really want to?
    – NEVER. Like alot of folks here, I am a firm believer that people make time for what they want. I've dated some extremely busy men in the past (i.e. working over 60 hours at a FT gig while running a successful clothing line) and they each made ample QT time for me.

    Can you respect someone that realizes they’re not in the right space to do right by you?
    – Absolutely! Making that type of decision demonstrates maturity, integrity, and is the socially responsible thing to do.

    What did you think of my heavy dose of reality in my reply?
    LOVE IT! It's refreshing and it's definitely something we woman need to hear. When we talk among ourselves to try and decipher male dating behaviors, in an effort to see the glass as half full, we tend to make excuses ("Oh girl, don't worry that he's seen you at church every week for the past 6 months and hasn't looked your way once … he's probably just shy and/or intimidated and not sure how to approach such a fab chick like you!"). When it comes to men, I prefer to hear advice straight from the horse's mouth. Keep it coming!

  • Rastaman

    What u fail to recognize is that the laws of nature do apply in relationships. Survival of the fittest and preying on the weak and feeble happens in every human interaction so why do would you expect it to be different in dating.

    People as a rule don't come at me with foolishness because I don't entertain it. Mama always said "liberties come through carelessness". You think I don't encounter women making similar type request like the men u mentioned. But I don't even entertain them as a joke, why because people operate on precedents. Once u allow something, they continuously expect it.

    I suspect u r always not clear on what u need from these men and they are allowed to fill in the blanks. Not their fault darling, don't allow others to decide ur options. It's hard when ur young, I know that but it's your life. You not going to allow these men free access to your finances, so why not have the same rule in your personal life

    Be open but be firm, good men respect that even if we don't necessarily agree all the time.

    No one of substance wants people in their lives they don't respect. That I can put money on.

    • curious

      So true! BEST COMMENT EVER!

  • http://undressingher.com undressingHER

    There is definitely not a guide to what I stop calling women. Most of the time they just do something I don't like, so I erase their number and act like I never met them, regardless of rather or not we've ever had sex. It doesn't have to be something bad they did, just something I didn't like…from cursing too much on the phone or not being amusing enough in bed (which very well may have been my fault)
    My recent post What You Call Lame- I Call Grown

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      That’s messed up. You should have the guts to tell these women what they did that you didn’t like, not just pull a disappearing act. It might be fixable, it might not, but if you don’t give them the chance to at least talk about it, then you won’t know. And acting like you never met them? Come on! How grown up is that?

  • missunderstood

    Loved the post. I am glad I came across it while I was submitting my votes for the black webblog awards

  • bang boogie

    Have you ever had someone you thought was feeling you only to have them just disappearing out the blue? yes, that would be me.i do this all the time. i don't know why i do it….

  • Nettie

    I have noticed that both males and females make excuses on why they disappear, as a female I have been the receiver and have executed..I can admit it isn't a great feeling, but to not have someone tell you what happened is just out right wrong especially if you thought the chemistry was there…I can understand the fact of someone's life being hectic and such, but come on now we are in the age of technology there are so many ways to reach out to folks…I believe we can all be a little selfish and as we get older we tend to appreciate honesty a little more…I have had someone who was feeling me and was also talking with friends we had in common and then all of sudden disappeared on me, now admittedly yes I did call him and send a text but after a while I realized it wasn't worth my time…to be that inconsiderate and plain and simple a punk, man up and just say what it is on your mind..you know you see the calls and texts coming through, all you have to do is send a message, hell send a message through a friend…I am new to this blog and have enjoyed reading posts, comments, etc…

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      Thank you, agree 100%. Refreshing to read a post here that comes across as empathetic after so many, well…

  • ms.virgo

    I believe there's only ONE reason why men/women don't call back and its honesty nobody is ever really honest about what they want whether it be a committed relationship or a f**k buddy if everybody was really honest about what they want or don't want it would cut out a lot of confusion
    well I think so anyway

  • http://brothersmanlaw.blogspot.com spchrist3

    Your No. 1 and No. 2 answers…I would say pretty much covers 80 percent of the reasons a man wouldn't call or get in touch with a woman again.
    My recent post Letter To Black Women

  • lalamomo

    This happened to me a year ago and I am still puzzled. He just stopped calling. Then out of the blue he called and left a message saying "I don't know what to say". And disappeared again. Like he never existed.
    This piece was spot on!! Thanks for the 6 reasons, now I don't feel as bad.

  • cecenichole

    Have you ever had someone you thought was feeling you only to have them just disappearing out the blue?
    YEP. I do 2 calls, 2 texts and if nothing charge it to the game.
    Did you ever get a chance to find out what happened to them?
    Yep usually their gf/bm/or wife found out and got upset.
    Do you generally assume it’s someone else of that they’re just not into you?
    I don't really think that much into it.
    Would you rather someone tell you that you were wack in the sack or just disappear?
    I would rather know and have that closure
    Do you buy being “busy” as a valid excuse for being flaky?
    No one is ever too busy. It is about what they make time for.
    Can you respect someone that realizes they’re not in the right space to do right by you?
    I really respect that and appreciate it when they are real about it.
    What did you think of my heavy dose of reality in my reply?
    It's been time for someone to be so real :D

  • SexiLuvinGirl

    I think I was the one that sent this to you; not sure. :D But, thanks for posting it. Great insight; and, I would agree with all of what you said here. Most of the time we don't wanna admit it because we fear rejection; but, the truth is, we already know; we're just looking for validation.

  • SexiLuvinGirl

    And, you were right on in your response. Thank you.

    • http://nwso.net/ NWSO


      If it was truly you, thanx for the letter. lol

  • Bea

    hey there,,i just had the same thing happen,,accept this great guy(so i thought) paid for my flight out to see him..we had an amazing 4 days ,,and i dont regret it..after i got back he called me two times a day for 10 days,,then stopped..wtf? i called , text and sent him an email asking if he was ok? it bothered me for a little while and i started back tracking over some of the converstaions we had..was it me, what did i say wrong, did he find me too clingy(which im not) the bottom line is,,if hes got you feeling the way mine has,,they are unreliable cowards,,how hard is it to pickup the phone and say..look….not that we evwen committed but damn we said wed be friends if nothing else then he POOFS? never happened to me before.

  • Bea

    soo true,,decipherness sucks,,thats where COMMUNICATION and lets be adults comes into play..if they disappear they are cowards

  • Jaydee

    Different day, different man, same crap! Egohunting, womanising, pussy seeking suckers. I have had enough of them crawling around me, purring their nonsense, filling my head & heart with all their fake intentions only to disappear into thin air at a moments breath. Well good riddance to bad rubbish I say. Better they go rather than sucker me further with their ‘use & take’ crap before god forbid you actually get attached to them!!

    Strong, intelligent, confident, open, kind hearted, loving woman who isn’t embracing that $hit anymore!! I’m watching your moves & keeping you at arms length until it is proven you’re worth my time. No more victim mentality I’m stepping up with my armour on, hoping to catch your game early so I can avoid having to spend precious time in your sad sorry company.

    Not human enough to use real respectful communication? Think you can treat people as you please with no accountability? I dont think soooo… watch out for the consequences you have created come back to bite you on your backside later, lmao. Wait till karma catches up to you baby, crazy a$$ women, women you actualy fall for chew you up & spit you out & the list goes on… You ever heard of ‘Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned’??? When you ask why is she like this? What happened to her? What did I do to deserve this? How could she do me this way? Remember all those women you suckered before her????? Always best to treat others as you would like to be treated! Show a little respect, it’s free!

    • Anon

      Hear hear!!! Relate to every word you say. How in HELL are women supposed to have relationships with that species called MAN!?? I swear none of them have a heart. They just say what you want to hear, get what they want and bugger off! I do hope karma come and bites ALL their puny arses one day!!

    • curious

      God! Is that you?…..speak what is so true.beautifully said.

  • Lisa

    My guy was my friend for years. We hung out and even lived together with another friend platonically for awhile. I fell for him even though I knew he had a history of dating a lot of women. He knew I was the kind of girl that thought sex was special but as soon as I told him I had feeling for him we had sex that night. It was the first time for me in two years. I loved it and I was so excited about all the possibilities. For a week or so things seemed fine. Then we went out of town for one night and after we got back he did not contact me for a week? I e-mailed him telling him that I could see that it was not going any where and would move on but then he e-mailed me wanting to talk. He said he cared for me deeply but was conflicted and unsure he was ready for a relationship. We agreed to date but he still blew me off and I begane to act desperate and wrote him erotic e-mails trying to keep him interested. We kept hooking up here and there but the hanging out and dating all stopped. He was at times attentive but other times he acted distant. He is a musician and always has a lot of other women around but prior to all of this he always gave me a lot of attention. That all stopped. We had planned a trip for a week at a beach house with two other friends and family prior to our hooking up and I told him at the beach house that I could not see him anymore after this because I needed to protect my heart. Except for a few more erotic e-mails and text I stood by this no contact rule until we ran into each other one night. He was so excited to see me and then he started texting and we hung out a couple of times. He was flirty again and I was back to wanting to be with him again. I agreed to help him with a fundraiser and one of the days while I was cleaning the kitchen he came up behind me and was kissing me and well it all started agian. BUT GUESS WHAT! Yeah! he went cold again?? This time I called him and broke down crying asking him why? Why did you pull me back just to push me away again. This is when I realized I had only become and option to him. I was addicted to him but he was addicted to sex and women. I also realized that this was just an ego stroke to him. I finally asked him to spell it out and to tell me if he had any intentions of having a future with me. He said he cared for me but wanted me to move on and be happy. I told him to never contact me agian not even a text. I told him to delete everything I sent him and that we could not be frineds. It has been 7 days and I heard that he is already seeing another girl. Probibly even before all of this happened. I know I have a part in all of this. I should not have tried to keep him hostage with sexual e-mails and I should have listen to his words instead of wanting to be with him so bad I reationalized everything and made sand casltes in the clouds. At times I think I was just delusional. I guess what hursts the most is that I feel like he does not even care. I feel like I was just an option! AN OPTION! I put him as a possible forever and I was just an OPTION! It still hurst but I know I have to just move on, but I do wonder if he even cared or misses me.

    • Lovely Rita

      Wow, the same thing happened to me. Even our closet trends who love us so much cannot be changed if they are players addicted to he game. I cold tell my guy was do in love with me but then he felt so constricted when we went out. Like he hadvo sit and IDE in opens he wouldn’t see a cute girl. And I am pretty damn cute. But I noticed he fell in love with me because I was never a skank. Hen, when we started having hot sex without any ommitment, uses what, I became another one of his dirty skanks. I knocked myself off of his pedestal. I see now hat I needed to have that direct talk first. He Also assumed I was a player. Not true. I was loyal. Never sure if he was? It was really sad because we were close, like two peas, but in the end I lost love but probably dodged a bullet, too.

      • TrySomethingDifferent

        You did dodge a bullet. Guys with a double standard like that are sleazebags. Like you having commitment-free sex with him somehow makes you a “skank” but him having commitment-free sex with you is fine. Bull—-!

    • curious

      That sounds like the play list to most men that think they have it like that.
      I have found that men are only ready and willing to commit when they go through the below following… now , I could be wrong but there are quite a few happy unions out there, without the demonic drama.
      1.youth love.he only knows her.and if she is the sweet fit ,and doesn’t have other people trying to get him to play the field (which people need to play that one by ear).
      2.READY FOR KIDS.he has a need to settle down. Looking for the right mommy figure.
      3.he doesn’t want to die alone.

      Anything else is free game. They still want to fill their egos.

      We want a best friend and a real Bonnie and Clyde connection…men have too many needy and open women of all ages to play with.if he still thinks he as a change to play he will do so until he has met his match.what ever that maybe.human or not.

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      Did you ever consider the option of a polyamorous relationship? Many beautiful relationships don’t happen because one partner (more often though not always the woman) insists on monogamy, when it is not something that is going to work or make the other person happy.

      I’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “If you love somebody, set them free”. There is a lot of wisdom to it!

      Demanding that the person we’re seeing not be sexual with anyone else just sets us up for being cheated on, feeling stressed with worry about what *might* be happening even if it isn’t, etc. Trying to control someone and loving them are really not very complementary attitudes when you think about it.

      Many people think they can’t have commitment, intimacy, etc., without monogamy, but it just isn’t true. Face reality — a guy with a healthy sex drive who’s into you is going to have the same physical reactions toward other girls too. If he’s a decent guy and not an a–hole, he will appreciate and care about you that much more, and feel closer to you, if you make it clear to him that, yes you may have feelings of jealousy and insecurity come up sometimes (we’ve all felt that way one time or another), but that you’ll work on those feelings and not let them consume your relationship, because you care about him and want him to be able to be honest with you and to be together, and that these things are more important that whether or not he’s having sex with other people too.

      You should also assert your right to be with other guys too, whether or not you want to all the time. If you don’t rely on just one person to meet all your sexual/romantic/emotional needs, you may well end up happier. You can care about and feel close to more than one guy at once, if you let yourself!

      Maybe it’s too late now, but if I were in your shoes I would sound out your musician friend about his thoughts on it. Maybe he’s been waiting for his dream girl who will care about him deeply without trying to keep him on a short leash. But if he’s not prepared to give you the same freedom to see other people that he wants for himself, then let him go.

      By the way, there is a very good book on polyamory called “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Katherine Liszt. Especially Chapter 13 on dealing with jealousy.

  • Whisper

    I think I just played too hard not answering his phone calls and he just gave up, and I do not know how bad would it look or he may feel pressure if I try to contact…? It’s been a while since I met a quality man like him

  • http://nwso.net/ NWSO

    The key word is you “played”. Grown folks should be upfront and honest and not play games which each other. If it’s meant to be it will be but you’ll never know if you keep playing games

    • curious

      Do you really believe that? THAT IS TRULY NICE TO READ FROM A GUY. THANK YOU. Your blog helped answer a lot of questions.

      My gut kept telling me the guy who struck hard to my every being loved me.but I gave him space to grew, because of the very thing you noted in your blog. So I suffer from #5. By a twist of fate – on different occasions we had found one another in the oddest locations. He lives in another country…I always felt and sensed money played a huge part in our separation union…I know I am trapped in his head. He is stuck with the reminder of me because his brother and I have the same birthday( loved his brother, we really got along.and he hated everyone.ha).

      but, I always said, IF IT IS MEANT TO BE WE WILL BE.he is the only guy I have had the strongest feelings for and knew he respested me Despite the list you gave about player men.he comes from a great family, but some of the friends he kept Stood inbetween us. Jealously! If you ask me. I do understand, and see him better now.he answered every time I needed answers and never came across hard, just doing what was best for both at the time.we were young.

      If we are not meant – Than that is very hard to swallow.but I want the best for us both. And for a young man (at the time)…He tried. I give him that. I am affirm believer oFwhat you’ve noted. The right timing is at play here.

      Thank you again, really! You are a rare mind.please dont change! Just keep it real.:D

  • Jenny

    I think online dating is peas to the carrots of fadeaways…Many of these people don’t really wanna get to know someone if they are dating online because the medium is the message. They don’t wanna put in real effort to meet people so they don’t put in effort to sustain an online relationship or the effort it takes to man up and tell the girl something (anything, even if it is a lie) so that she can sleep at night thinking she knows what happened with him…

  • helloimdonna

    Jenny, did something like this happen to you, online, that is..i would like to trade stories if so. I am going through ~ and hope to come out on the other side sane, but it is tough…

  • paulette_bajan_gal

    Just revisited this post…the follow up is he still kept calling me for months after I stopped communicating with him via my cell phone.After I deleted him from my Facebook page and whatnot.He just would not take no for an answer.he didn’t ask me for more details about why I was never gonna be interested and kept persisting.Eventually I did change my phone number…not because of him but i bet he would still be contacting me now if I had the same number.

    Some people fall in love with an idea of a person and not who the person really is.Obviously if I tell a man I’m not interested and ignore his phone calls…he should keep it moving.

  • knighthonor

    Hey what about on the flip side. What about when Women stop answering, and stop calling us men. I had that happen to me before. I was nice. But felt I wasnt getting equal respect for all I put in. So I stop calling and texting her. Was a waist of time to try to prove anything to women like that.

  • Me

    i have never laughed so much as i did at your post..simply brilliant!

  • Tammy

    I’m pondering all of these questions now. WHY do men disappear and stop calling?
    It’s happened several times to me.
    My current guy who I’ve been dating for over 2 months (who 2weeks ago told me I’m his “girlfriend” on several occasions) hasn’t called/texted/emailed in 3 days. He was spending 4th of July with his buddies fishing and boating in lake tahoe. I’ve sent a few texts, 1 voice mail and one email today. I’m giving up but hoping there’s a “valid” excuse. Doubtful. :(

  • Artemis Fowl

    It happens to both sexes. With me, most people disappear because well…..there is another guy that’s more important in the picture. Either that or she just not into you like that. When people suddenly go ghost its time to wait for them to comeback fully consistent….or just charge them when they’ve a lame excuse. Let someone logical advice you so you cannot let your emotions make things work.

  • Allenerin1985

    I think I’m in the right place. Ok, so there’s this guy who I met on Facebook who started hitting on me. We talked for about a week before I finally gave him my number. He constantly liked my status posts, pictures, and commented on pretty much everything. I was hesitant to meet him, but I gave in finally after about two weeks. He came over my house and we were laughing and joking with each otheruntil 2a.m.. this happened twice. The first night we hung out he made it very clear that he liked me and he then kept asking me when he can see me again because I was so cool. Here’s the thing: after we went out to lunch (which he was the one asking me out first) he started completely ignoring me. We had lunch after the third or fourth time hanging out together. During lunch, he was silent the whole time and I was trying to get to know him so I tried to get him to tell me more about himself. He replied with one word answers when he did actually say something. And there’s more: as soon as we were finished with lunch, he went to walmart with me and he acted like I didn’t even exist. He would walk like thirty feet behind me which I thought was really rude. But I didn’t really push the issue because I’m not the dramatic clingy type. But as the day went on, I could tell something was fishy. I finally confronted him and asked why he was doing that. Why would he ask me to hang out and over and over if he wasn’t into me like that? I told him that if he only saw me as a friend then it was fine by me. I could always use more friends. Anyway, he acted like I was a total psycho for asking why he was ignoring me on purpose. I also asked him “if you knew you didn’t like me as much as you thought, then why keep telling me how wonderful I am and asking when you can see me again and again?” He was making excuses like “I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose. I’m just shy.” Pffft, yeah, right. I think he wanted me to tell him how perfect and cool he was as an ego booster. He insisted he was really wanted a long term thing in the beginning. But then he was like “I like you so much, but I’m not looking for anything serious or long term.” Are you friggin kidding me?!! Clearly he thought he could play me. And I guess he did to a certain extent, but I think he just wanted sex. Whatever. Screw that. I cut him off without hesitation. I don’t need people in my life who treat me like crap.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, if I didn’t know better I’d say this was a case of the “strobe light honey”. Sounds like he saw pictures of you and hung out with you at night and was attracted but saw you in the daylight and was like, eh, I’m not feeling her like that. That’s what it SOUNDS like, but even that sounds like a stretch based on how much time y’all hung out at your crib before. Like, both times he could have told if you were really as hot as you were online. 

      Whatever the case, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. in that he wasn’t real and only wanted some booty. His loss. 

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, if I didn’t know better I’d say this was a case of the “strobe light honey”. Sounds like he saw pictures of you and hung out with you at night and was attracted but saw you in the daylight and was like, eh, I’m not feeling her like that. That’s what it SOUNDS like, but even that sounds like a stretch based on how much time y’all hung out at your crib before. Like, both times he could have told if you were really as hot as you were online. 

      Whatever the case, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. in that he wasn’t real and only wanted some booty. His loss. 

  • love aki

    I only attract good guys. How? I expect a man to be kind to me for three to six months. I expect him to court me without sex and become friends for three to six months. I expect him adore me and respect me. Very few men can standup to my expectations, but, I’ve had three longterm boyfriends who win with flying colors.

    My point ladies is have high expectations and only date men who are kind all the time, consistent, honest, loving, empowering to you and who cherish you!  Also, tell a man what you want… just be honest. Tell him your deal breakers. No games, just ask for what you want. 

    We get what we expect! Oh, there are plenty of good men out there… I simply watched my mother and she can get a man to adore her!

    Most women make it way to easy for a man. Not me.

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      No guy with options is going to put up with all that unless you’re Halle Berry or something — and frankly they shouldn’t. Equality works both ways.

      Of course, telling *other* women to have high expectations leaves more for you, if they follow your advice…

  • Ldiva

    I was in a relationship with a man who was married. He didn’t tell me he was married until 4 months into the relationship. I ended it when he told me. He was engaged the first two months and then married her. He pursued me for two months stating it was a mistake he didn’t want to marry her. We spent all day all the phone went out 3-4 times a week. He told me he was leaving her. We went away for the weekend. Came back and I haven’t heard from him. It’s been a month now. I called for two days and he never returned my phone calls. He told me loved me. What happened. Why did he disappear.

  • MirrorofAphrodite

    I think you missed an important one here.  What about the guys (aka game players) that feel the best way to win the girl of their dreams is to uh . . err . . ignore them?  It’s the oldest trick in the book and it’s also “Act 1″ of the “Game.”  Just google “ignore her” on the Internet someday and you’ll see what I mean.

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      Yeah, game-players of both sexes do this.

  • Cameron710

    Was this written by a 13 year old kid from the hood?

    • grow up

      Yes! Like your idiotic statement. Racist much! Or just stupid to see me.I guarantee people dont relate to you like you dont relate to this article. Clueless.

  • ISH-Hubby n Wife Duo

    Good points, but “busy”? I can’t go! I mean, Life is usually busy for go-getters on a regular, but if ever we encounter a person that we are interested in, we make time. Even if it’s just a little time, we carve out something for that person. I think everyone, on some level, is looking for love. Even while we’re in our “fun” or “player” mode, if we come across someone we think might be more than a fling, we keep them around and spend time with them.

  • TrySomethingDifferent

    Um, maybe you should try calling yourself, instead of just waiting for the guy to call you? Maybe he’s wondering why YOU haven’t called.