6 Reasons Why Men Stop Calling (Are You Bad in Bed?)

0 Posted by - August 3, 2010 - Uncategorized

Dear NWSO,

Why is it that men can’t just tell a woman that he’s not looking to date a woman? We exchange text messages; he’s hot on my tail; says he can’t wait to see me; says he can’t wait to make love to me again… But… Weeks pass and nothing, but he’s online constantly. Maybe I should just get the message that he simply likes toying with my emotions. I’m getting mixed signals. Do I just assume he’s not interested? Maybe this is where “actions speak louder than words. Why can’t either a man or woman just let a person know they’re not interested instead of misleading people with false hopes? I need some feedback on this.

Now ain’t that the question of the millennium. Plain and simple; he’s just not that into you. That’s the most clear and succinct answer to the scenario you laid out. However, you asked me, WHY?

While there are a multitude of reasons for why someone (male or female) is flaky and sends mixed signals, but I have a few possible answers for you based on my own personal experiences. Would you like to hear them? Of course you do; so here goes:

1) There’s Someone Else More Important Than You

Hate to put it so bluntly, but the only thing that keeps a man away from a woman he’s already sexed is even better sex elsewhere. That, or the sex was wack, but since most women don’t believe they can actually be wack in the sack (CLICK HERE), we’ll just say there’s someone else. If you’re dealing with a guy that’s dating other people or is afraid of confrontation, he won’t just come out and say, “Hey, I’m seeing someone else and I’m actually feeling them more.” It’s not the easiest thing to hear or say, so if he’s a punk then being flaky seems like a better option. You should get the picture eventually.

2) Maybe You Are Wack in the Sack

I know it’s a tough pill to swallow but sometimes we aren’t as good in the sack as we all think we are. Hey, even I have a dad night every once in a while. **Gasp** Not sure how my times you and dude have been intimate, but perhaps you were wack and he’s interested in giving you another shot (that’s when he’s flirty) but then remembers the experience and opts for a more reliable bed partner for the night instead (that’s when he’s flaky). I’m sure you’re wondering: Why someone would pursue someone that’s wack in the sack? Simple, a man likes options ’cause even wack pucci is better than no pucci. So when all else fails you could serve as a backup to good pucci. But, I’m sure you are a nice young lady with a wonderful pucci, I’m just providing a possible theory in reference to all those OTHER women with wack pucci. LOL.

3) His Wife/Girlfriend Didn’t Approve of Your Relationship

Don’t you hate when that happens? You’re really feeling someone and enjoying hanging out at random hours then you find out they’re wife/GF would rather they spent all that quality time with them instead of you? The nerve of some people. LOL. Seriously, though, there are dudes in “committed” (and I use that word loosely) relationships that try to see if they still got “it” and find themselves in too deep with someone else. Either they come to their senses and disappear or their significant other finds out and makes them come to their senses and disappear.

CLICK HERE to continue reading…

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/tffhthewriter tffhthewriter

    Although I have never fallen victim to the no call back, I am very guilty of the brush off. Most of the time it's either because dude was whack in the sack OR he was moving way too fast (ie: trying to tie me down in week 2). All in all, can it be handled differently, yes but most people don't want to be known as a jerk. Great post!

    • http://www.Blackplanet.com Ambi

      You hit it on the nose and made some good points. As a rule if you get to know a person first, then you'll pretty much know before you hit the sack where they are coming from and avoid getting your feelings hurt.

    • Anonymous

      I completely agree with this article. If a man does not make it official, he’s not into you or he’s not into you at the moment (doesn’t mean he will change his mind though.) Instead of deciphering through mixed messages- just find someone else. I had a similar thing happen to me- where the guy was lying straight to my face telling me how much he wanted me and how good I was in bed. He stopped contacting me and I found out through mutual friends that he’s was saying crap like I was awful in bed and he got bored. Instead of being a man and telling me this to my face (and actually giving me constructive criticism about how I can improve in that department) he was making excuses to justify his lack of commitment to me. Either way- it’s not worth it and you deserve to be with a guy who is going to be direct and honest with you. 

    • ISH-Hubby n Wife Duo

      Yea, I understand what you’re saying. I don’t think I’ve ever done it, but I have been a victim of the situation. We were seeing each other for about 4 or 5 months, and all of a sudden he stopped calling. Later, I learned that he felt that I wanted more, and he wasn’t ready for that, so he tried to let me go by not calling. Some situations deserve more of an explanation than a brush off. By trying not to be a jerk, many people are actually just that in the other person’s eyes, because of the way they handled ending things.

    • Communic8

      I hope you had the decency to tell him directly that you didn’t want to see him anymore, instead of just taking the cowardly way out by avoiding contact.

  • Miss Conception

    Here is my question: why is it so hard to commit to a relationship if you act like you are in one? I know this doesn't have to do with disappearance per se, but I do have to admit it is just as frustrating to deal with a man who asks to be friends with benefits, yet can't really be your "friend" if you know what I mean? It is like you feel like this is a relationship because of the constant arguments, the amount of time invested in whatever affair is between the two, and the feelings are more than friends should share. If I feel like I am in a relationship with you, why is it hard to just take that step to be with me in a relationship? Also, I would rather prefer someone disappearing than to play with my emotions with the friends with benefits bullshit. If you can't tell how angry I am, then maybe I should reiterate that I don't believe in people tampering others emotions for pleasure and pure entertainment.

    Now, for those who can do it, more power to you. But from someone who finds more value in her time, and doesn't have time for someone to toy with my heart. If you don't want to be with me in a relationship, then just remain my friend and keep fantasizing about us having sex. At least we are saving each other the drama and heartache.

    Back on topic, busyness is what I feel is my problem with why I don't respond. If a guy is trying to talk to me, I really try to make time to speak to him. I can't do that if he doesn't put forth any effort into wanting my time. I don't believe in take all or nothing when it comes to relationships, I believe in compromise. If there is something that I need to change about me, I will be more conscious around you for making a change, but you also must consider that this makes me who I am. For example: if you don't like my smoking habit, I am willing to smoke less around you or to try different quitting mechanisms. But you have to be patient with me in the process, and learn that I use this for whatever reason. I am going on a tangent.

    • http://www.nwso.net NWSO

      You do realize that you play a big part in the "benefits' department. If befits aren't part of your deal don't offer them and definitely don't allow someone to sneak away with out making their co-payments. Lol.

      I come from the school of thought that no one can do anything to you that you don't allow. Especially in relationship. If you choose to have sex with no commitment, you'll likely remain in a situation with more sex than relationship until you either demand more (and receive it) or call it quits.

      As for why someone would want to go through all the ropes of acting like a relationship without committing? Simple, they can because you were cool with it. A man can't sleep with you or act like he's in a relationship with no commitment unless you play your part in the equation.
      My recent post Dear Baby Mama- You Are Appreciated

      • Elle

        Amen!

      • Shola

        so true! and i've learn that the hard way…

      • Miss Conception

        hey hey hey… wait a min… did you make your co-payment? I believe this shit isn't for free, and you don't start off with just $199 down. LOL You are crazy.

        I do consider I play a part in the benefits department. I am trying to figure out since when did I become a candidate for the friends with benefit? Was it before you wanted to be friends, or after we became friends? I did try it one time, and damn, all the sudden all I get are dudes who aren't "looking for a relationship, but friends with benefits would be nice." Well, I appreciate your honesty, and I am not looking for a relationship myself. Instead, I will just allow it to find me. Please, tell me signs that a woman is potential friends with benefits so I can avoid it as much as possible?

        • curious

          TOTALLY HEAR YOU THERE. I don’t think there is one. But to be safe don’t compromise your wants and needs to just make things work and to get him to keep interest, because you think his attitude (so to speak )mirrors your attitude. That’s how it starts .Sorry ,but true, most men aren’ looking at the notion THINGS MAY EVOLVE as you date. No! He sees freebee.no dinners and movies, No real expenses. Sad!..for them, they blow through the good catches and end up setting or picking what they think will do..I have heard too many men flash back to first loves and the girl who stole their mind and heart but they treated her such disrespectful. That not from being a guy or growing up but the company he keeps, and SORRY home training.

      • curious

        Really nice to hear a real mans STRAIGHT FOWARD POV. Keep it up. I am hooked.

    • malia

      Sweetie,

      Don't deal with that guy. Seriously. A year down the line, you will never look back and go "what if?" but if you keep dealing with him you WILL wish you hadn't wasted too much time. Red flags all over the place, don't ignore them, push forward, and then blame HIM for not being able to make it official. You're choosing to stay.

      • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/mkuptart JC

        I'm there now…dealing with so much time wasted…it isn't a disappearing act per say but a friends with benefits that was once ok, but now…not.
        Funny how at times he did disappear…but now that I want to disappear he is all up in my a$$.
        My recent post Sleep much

  • http://twitter.com/sunshyne84 @sunshyne84

    Yea I've been there. I like to think it's a case of #5 most of the time. I think if you're busy you can at least call or text, just a little something to keep them out of the dark. I've disappeared on a few myself though. I just feel like it's not a good match and it won't go anywhere so I quit answering the phone. I know, horrible.

  • http://twitter.com/sn3akrfr3akr @sn3akrfr3akr

    I think a lot of guys are afraid of a few things. If they're casually dating females – they don't want her to get caught up and start catching feelings. That opens up the can of worms called "Relationship," and if they're not trying to be tied down – they'll avoid it at all costs. Other times, like you said – they're just not ready. It's up to the female to decipher the Code of Man, and then decide if she's willing to wait and possibly waste her time – or if she should be on to the next one. I'm more willing to be straightforward and let a guy know I'm not even interested – that way there's no confusion.

  • Shannon

    When it comes to dating, men tend to jump in with both feet; when it comes to relationships, they tend to stick a toe in the water and tread lightly to avoid the shark or piranha feeding frenzy they tend to perceive relationships to be.

    Men tend to be less discriminating with sex partners and more discerning with who might be The One, primarily because they want to be sure they are getting what they want, but also that they can deliver on what that special woman deserves from him. Furthermore, relationships require a certain degree of vulnerability and while women see that as empowering and a means of trust, men find it not to be the case; they don't like to be vulnerable, so they tend to pull back and keep distance…that is, unless they know they can get the sex.

    This is the primary reason sex is something that should be put on the back burner. Sex too soon is self love too late and since men have the ability to have sex without emotional attachment, women tend to bear the heavier burden. The whole "friends with benefits" was probably an idea concocted by a man to allow him the free access to the sex he wants without the relationship and commitment he doesn't want.

    Regardless of the reason, when it comes to matters of the heart–and body–men, who typically prefer direct communication, will balk and hesitate to come right out and tell a woman, "Hey, I'm just not feeling you because the sex is wack, I met someone else I'm feeling even more and I'm a workaholic and don't have time for much else but sex." Men don't want to appear the jerk or bum that they know they are and they don't want the woman to hate him, mainly because he knows he may never get another shot in bed with her and she might tell her friends about him and they will tell their friends and that will limit his possibilities.

    I've met several men who claimed they were so into me, that they saw us together forever and all that, but hell…a man will do and say whatever if it gets him laid. Once those men realized the sex wasn't forthcoming, they gradually began to become too busy to hang out or visit or even call, even though he appears to have time for everything and everyone else. In a man's mind, by not calling, simply disappearing or becoming too busy, he feels he is sparing a woman's feelings by not being direct, whereas in a woman's mind, she is being ignored and brushed off for seemingly no reason and alas, this is where the conflict comes in. He thinks simply not calling is sufficient enough to get his message across. Well, it does, but not in the gentle way he thinks it does.

    Men do what works…for other men. If there was an annoying guy friend he wanted to avoid, he would simply not call and always be too busy to hang out and eventually the friend would get the point and move on. The problem is, it doesn't work with relationships and women (usually). With women, if we didn't want to be bothered, we would just come right out and say, "Look, we've been hanging out for a good while, but I need to chill out for a while, so I won't be calling and visiting as much," and each party knows not to expect a call or a visit and no feelings are hurt.

    I have to admit, I don't waste my time deciphering or solving the Code of Men. I have far better things to do with my time, plus I know if a man truly wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing will make him stay. I've seen this in action too many times to know how true it is. Even a busy man will make room and time for a woman he truly wants and he will never leave her guessing.

    However, we know that men can be selfish, men can be clueless and insensitive. Most of the time when he says, "It's not you, it's me," he really means, "It's not me, it's you, but I don't want to tell you that because you'll hate me and talk about me to your friends and I won't have as big a playing field, plus I still want to be able to slide by at 3 a.m. when nothing else is jumping off." I too wish men were more honest, direct and straightforward. It would certainly help.

    • Elle

      And while I know I got some flack for saying it in reference to a similar topic I'll say it again: men are cowards. End of story. Shannon just put it more elaborately. Men hate to be the jerks they know they are.

      Can't add anything to that. She said it all.

      • Spinster

        YEP.

        Too many questions. Too many "answers". Too many games. Too much bullshit. Too old for all of it.

        Then, when people like me say "To hell with this, singlehood is the way to go", other people look at us like WE'RE the ones who are nuts. Why, because we wanna keep our sanity? Because we ain't got time for all these bullshit ass deciphering sessions? FOHWTBS.

        All this game playing shit is for the birds. Women need to get it together and stop falling for this garbage. Men need to stop dabbling in bitchassness yesterday. Period.

        • Jaclyn

          Amen!!

      • lola289

        haha! back to "Men Are Cowards" idea! Elle, you should write a post on it! seriously… =D

      • Tinafarris86

        cowards.  yes indeed.

    • curious

      BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN ( said). I find it weird that men don’t realize that their avoidance and their demonic , loser attempt to spare feelings, and to also ensure they can hit someone else that maybe or is in your mix – crowd – their efforts do the total opposite. In truth,The problem goes 10 fold. She rips in, and she may help it along with some extra words…what’s that comment. NOTHING LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED. She’s not being a bitch just what that guy created.

      I can image how men want to avoid being humiliated by their peirs but when not thinking with proper intentions haven’t a clue that their nonchalant, flippant manners makes them look like a relationship serial killer… Who wants to know that person.? Being Up front Really goes a long way and ensues true respect..and a healthier direction for both individuals. Therefore, we’re not talking honesty with heightened arrogance – but just be honest. And not some need to give some shredd of proof that he’s the man, and he had to clue her in on his stud behavoir. It just reads he keeps poor company and his mother (parents) raised them poorly and raised a monster , or he’s mentally challaged at the levels of a half wit.

      I do understand the fear most men face when most women don’t get it. I have noticed there are some needy and desperate females out there…but I feel its due to the very thing this blog – article focuses on ,and what you’ve written in this comment. It is clear to me now that men really feel more vulnerable and prove it by behaving like nethanderals. Time to evolve guys… but i give much esteem credit for the blogger , he is man enough to explore this venue for those that are curious. That takes a real MAN to open up. Much respect for that. TRULY, THANK YOU TO YOU BOTH FOR YOUR GRET CANDOR!

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      Part of the problem is that some women think it’s always the man’s job to phone. It’s not. If you are one of those, learn to pick up the phone yourself. By that I do not mean go overboard by calling 10 times a day — just reach out and communicate as much as he does. If you want a second date, don’t complain that he doesn’t call — just call him up and ask for one. We want you to be more assertive and show us that you are into us.

      Word to the guys — Even if she’s hot, life’s too short to waste your time chasing after a woman who keeps sending mixed signals by being alternately friendly/flirty until she has you wanting more, and then distant until it looks like you might be giving up interest, then friendly/flirty again. This is not the style of someone who is interested but shy — she is playing this game because she likes the ego-boosting attention of having someone after her. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if you keep at it long enough, she will eventually put out. She’ll drag the hot/cold routine out until she gets bored with you, at which point she will either suddenly give a curt dismissal and pretend she was never leading you on, or pull a disappearing act.

  • Enid Wilson

    What if he's wack in the sack and too embarrassed to call? Hehe, I'm the glass half full kind of wacko.

    Steamy Darcy

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

      Doesn't everyone get a two shot ass pass to make sure the first time was just a fluke or not? Maybe that's me… We all have bad nights, right? I mean, so I've heard.. LOL
      My recent post Dear Baby Mama- You Are Appreciated

      • dbaby11

        @nwso…lol i agree, its never mind blowing the first time, two shots!!!

      • Spinster

        No.

  • paulette_bajan_gal

    Lmao…I just experienced this over the weekend…but I was the one doing it.Went on a date and there were just too many red flags.Couldn't even get pass certain things about him to kiss him at the end of the night.We made plans for a second date today but I sent him a "we are not compatible" message on Facebook last night.

    Yup….I dumped the dude via Facebook.A first for me.He texted, called, peed over my God damn wall all weekend long and I ignored it all.He was definitely VERY into me.But at least I was woman enough to explain it instead of just dropping the dude like a hotcake. I agree with Elle but I will go further and say men are pussies.There are sooooooo many men in NYC…not sure why a man can't just say what he means and mean what he says.I'm not gonna cry over you thinking we are not compatible…I respect communication.

    I am not wack in the sack…so you can remove that from my list.lmao.

    • Elle

      Haha, I initially typed "pussies" but opted for "coward" instead.

      LMAO ^5

      • Dc Man With a Plan

        C'mon, Elle. ALL men? Or just ALL the men you know and have been with? Anywho, as Rasta said, if you wanna play the adult role, you gotta be ready for what comes with it–ESPECIALLY once sex is involved. IF you think sex and committment or dating go together–YOU best make sure both of you feel the same way b4 you go down that road. On the other hand, if sex is just "sex" then there is no guilt or questioning "why" he or she isn't calling anymore. BUT if you make good dating decisions, your anguished moments will be few and far in between……..

        • Elle

          Certainly not all men. And for the most part not the men I have been with – since it's only been a few. I am not actively dating, nor have I really ever been out on the dating scene BUT I see what my girls experience on a daily basis. And I hate to say it .. men are pussies. Maybe not ALL the time or with EVERY woman they meet but every man makes a bitch ass move in regards to AT LEAST one woman in his lifetime. Ergo: pussy. Integrity isn't something men can hold up consistantly throughout their lifetime. Unfortunately.

    • dbaby11

      …peed all over you wall????? lmao ok gotta use that sometime!
      and i agree communication is the best key.

    • QuoteMan

      Men are pussies? That’s funny; did it ever occur to you, there might be something about you that attract pussy ass men? NYC don’t raise pussies, get it right.

      Dude you dealt with was nothing but a sucker for love. What kind of dude sweats some ass he hasn’t even hit yet, not a BK dude, that’s for sure. Smh.

      Let me stop; don’t get me back in that space, I’m tryin to stay civil. LOL

      • paulette_bajan_gal

        @Quoteman…dudes sweat me all the time to hit it.You are not a woman to know how dudes approach me.Most men will do what they have to do to get the pussy….lie their asses off and act like they are about anything else but getting the pussy…to get the pussy.In Brooklyn.Sounds like you are not out there enough to know what's up.

        Something about me??Don't get it twisted.The pool of pussy ass men in Brooklyn is pretty big.Like…I could hire the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line and they could fit their whole fleet up in that pool.lmao.Not saying there aren't decent men in Brooklyn but since you aren't dating them…listen to the women who are.

        • QuoteMan

          You’re hilarious, get over yourself, would you? Lol

          smdh

          • curious

            In your next life. God willing YOU’LL BE A FEMALE. Then SPEAK. 90% of women can’t be all wrong.and just because you cant admit YOU ARE THAT GUY, possibly.why would I say such – your ARROGANCE. Plus you couldn’t find a better way to prove her wrong if you think you are so right.
            Men who live and play in N.Y. (even newly placed) I quess on another scale , which they feel is higher feel arrogance, of ENTITLEMENT. THEIRS, OTHERS, AND DARE I SAY
            Your ENTITLEMENT IS THE ISSUE. Saying get over yourself proves you are a clueless. And pretty self involved.you think you’re hot shit. Well go ahead , Boris kojoe.
            Who I might add is a sweet guy. Take a better note.

        • The Duchess

          Brooklyn ninjas are the CRAZIEST! LMAO

    • curious

      Sweet child of mine, DID YOU WRITE HE ” PEED “! you have proper spidey senses. Glad you caught yourself before it was too deeply invested. As if, you noticed the deal with him. Thats why you are free from – What a nut. Behavior like that would have gotten worse. He showed true color, if such.

      I love how men like to assume the female will behave like a loon.really, I think they wish it would. Makes them seem so much more desirable. Why? They dont hide the notion, they humorously brag about such acts with other men sounds like you like that wackness. Tool behavior. its always about the male pride. “Pride”! better behavior and shows that men have more self respect. AND COMMON SENSE!

      What you’ve written exposes that men dont like being caught off THEIR GUARD. and Have no issue doing it to females.i see it as understanding they want to sheild their true selves – seems to be more self hatred for the unwilling.

    • TrySomethingDifferent

      WHY did you make plans for a second date? I mean, if you already knew you weren’t into him enough to want to kiss at the end of the first one? If I’ve scheduled a date with someone and then she changes her mind, I would expect a phone call if not explaining it in person. That’s what I would do, if I made a date with someone and then changed MY mind. Posting on Facebook is NOT being “woman enough” or whatever you want to call it — especially not when the poor guy was trying to contact you the whole weekend, and you just ignored it and waited until the night before to even post a note. Look in the mirror before you call men pussies!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/dashofreality dashofreality

    All true. I approve this post. Ladies, keep it moving.
    My recent post Guys- please stop harassing women

    • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/anslem NWSO

      LOL you funny Dashah
      My recent post Dear Baby Mama- You Are Appreciated

  • Rastaman

    When u disappear ur a pussy, when u tell them like it is ur being too harsh. I use to disappear when I was much younger but it was typically because I just did not care to explain. Why?

    One of or a combination of all or some of the reasons NWSO listed. Please, I was ghost with chicks I with whom there was no sex. Was i scared to say why I was no longer interested. I just did not feel like taking the time to explain.

    Fast forward, now I do tell them but don’t get me wrong I am not necessarily doing it for the women’s sake but for my own. I am at a place in my life today where I can’t afford loose ends. Unresolved things qualify as such. So nowadays I in no unmistakeable terms express just what my problems with her or the relationship are…..is it an upgrade for me yes, for the women I don’ t know. I don’t do exit interviews.

    My advice to women in these situation is stop playing the victim. You want to play at being a grown up with sex and relationships then stop the “woe is me” when sht don’t go as expected. Like sending a FB note is a sign of maturity. Why didn’t u just use a post it?

    Rejection is rejection no matter how want to portray it. That’s like folks who complain about inhuman killing. Like to the dead it makes a difference.

    The basis of any relationship or potential relationship is at least 2 people. Who really wants to be with someone who does not cherish them?

    We have all been left by someone we were feelingion some manner but that’s life. You suck it up and keep it moving and hopefully next time it’s someone with whom there is more. There are no guarantees in this life except death, everything else you got to work at, no one is going to offer it to you.

    At the end of the day does it truly matter why u no longer the flavor of the moment? Does a palatable excuse change the fact that they are still not interested?

    I don’t really think it makes too much of a difference in the long run. But for some others it must be a consolation.

    • GoDiva

      Preach it! I appreciate the adult manner in which you put this. That's what all of this comes down to. Sheer honesty with oneself. Thanks Rastaman.

    • Miss Conception

      Naw… naw… naw. I will play the devil's advocate on this one. You want me to stop playing the victim? How about stop committing the crime? You want me to be a grown woman and get over the situation? How about don't put me there in the first place? Don't compare unfortunate events with egotistical bullshit. Don't give me a reason to feel this way. Plain and simple. If you knew potentially there wasn't anything there, then why the hell waste my time? I have enough problems on my list. Don't feel welcomed to add your name to that list. Do me a favor. The next time you (not you Rastaman, lol) want to play with someone's emotion, make sure you get yourself a Barbie. I digress

      Nothing against you personally Rastaman, but I can't agree with thinking it is cool to advocate such behavior from the men of today. I get tired of the same bullshit, different men, and it is time I let it be known that this is the wrong bitch and move on to the next one you want to play the "friends with benefits." You don't want to be just my friend? We don't have to be anything. I paid for my benefits, $39.95. Thank you.