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Could You Date a Friend’s Ex? (All’s Fair in Love & War)

Posted by NWSO • August 19, 2010 • Printer-friendly

Dear NWSO,

I have a question/concern about this whole "cuffing" game. It seems (from my experiences at least) that females tend to "cuff" all men that they’ve ever slept with; men they never had anything serious with; men the went on two dates with; men that they had a crush on, and so on… This means that when one of the woman's female friends meets one of these men, he is supposed to automatically be "off limits" even if the woman and him no longer have anything non-platonic or no longer communicate.

To help explain more clearly, recently I met a guy. Actually, he approached me. We had a nice 20-minute convo and he got my number. About a week later he hits me up, we start chatting and this continues for a few days.

Things seem good.

In my mind, we’re getting to know each other and we could become good friends or… Who knows. I mention some of our conversation to one of my girlfriends and, to make a long story short, she had mentioned him to me before and one time when we were out, she pointed him out. They used to have "something(?)" years ago. She suggests for the sake of our friendship that I discontinue communication with him.

I was so shocked by her seriousness at the time and she seemed so put off by the whole thing that I agreed. I was thinking that since I just met him, it would be no biggie to just stop getting to know him, especially if it may compromise my relationship with one of my female friends. But when letting him know the deal about why we couldn’t hang out, I got a whole different perspective.

Now, I feel like my friend may have greatly exaggerated whatever they "had." But, I guess that shouldn't even matter anyway because it's not like I can say to her, “Well, he said..." so I think it's okay for me and him to become friends.

My friendship with her, I know is important. My friendship with him, I don't know at all. To end this, part of me wonders if I'm questioning this whole ordeal in order to rationalize why I should be able to remain in contact with him OR if this is legitimate nonsense. I wonder if other women have the same experience with their friends (who already date a lot) claiming all the men they have ever been in contact with, slept with, or went on a couple dates with. If you have comments or advice, let me know.

Thanks for doing what you do.

First, let me say I was thrown off by that whole "cuffing" term. It took me a minute to realize you weren't talking about some kinky sex act. LOL.

Anyway, to answer your question, it really depends on the feelings the person closest to you had/has for the prospective new beau and the circumstances of their past courtship. As a rule, a man or a woman should never come between true friends and generally speaking it's not a good idea to mess with someone one of your friends slept with or officially dated, like boyfriend/girlfriend.

The main reason being is that people are territorial. Once you share bodies with someone you actually liked at some point, you sometimes feel a sense of "ownership." Even if you don't want to be with them anymore you might still feel "weird" knowing that now someone else is hitting that. It's even weirder when it's someone you know.

On the flip side, there are instances where you might truly not give a rat's ass about the person. Maybe y'all weren't compatible; never had sex or only did it just once; you hate their guts; or became best friends, whatever the reason, you're cool with them seeing whomever they want—including someone you know. The only thing that's required in that scenario is a honest conversation with your friend to make sure he or she is cool with it and then you're good to go.

You just have to know your friend well enough to make sure they're not just lying to save face. Because if they are and you proceed to see their old flame—thinking you have the green light—you’ll be in for a big surprise when you notice how you’re getting some serious side-eye from your friend. For the most part, this situation is harder to deal with between women. Now, I'm not saying ALL women are catty but a good majority are. #ImJustSaying. (Most) Guys on the other hand can talk things out a little better.

For instance, there was a girl I "messed with" off and on for about two years but it was never anything serious, strictly physical (at least on my part). One of my boys met her one day when she and I were on one of our "off" periods and wanted to holla. He knew she and I had history but when he asked if I was messing with her I told him straight up, "Not now."

Not only did they wind up dating, but they got engaged and had a beautiful baby girl together.

It's not like I could sleep with someone for two whole years and not have any kind of emotions involved, but I’m a rational person. I knew I didn't want to be with her at all; so why should I stand in her way if someone wanted to offer her something I wasn't willing to? Still, I can't front like it wasn't weird seeing a woman I was intimate with dating someone that was the closest thing to a best friend at the time. But, again, I knew I didn't want to be with her beyond the physical so it was pointless to cockblock on my boy.

Maybe that's just me.

As for your friend, she may have every right to be upset or hurt by you “seeing” this guy, but I'd really need to know the dynamics of her dealing with ol' boy. Clearly you have two conflicting stories on what went down between them. She says how there was "something" between them and he says there was "nothing." Truthfully, you really have no idea who to believe because there's three sides to every story—hers, his and the truth. It's up to you to ascertain what really happened. For all you know she could be speaking the truth and he's fudging facts so he can get some new booty.

The question you have to ask yourself is why are you so quick to believe a guy you hardly know over someone you call a friend? Sounds like you’re intrigued by the forbidden fruit factor. Meaning the fact that your homegirl is telling you to balk on dude may subconsciously make you more curious. Some people just get off on having what they're not supposed to. That's not saying you can't have real feelings for this guy and vice versa, but the fact he's now a mystery may make him more appealing.

The other possibility is that your friend’s warning could be much deeper. I remember reading a story a while back on my homegirls’ blog, Bright Lights Date City, where a friend warned a girl to not mess with a particular dude because she had heard from a reliable source he had herpes. Now ThatsABadLook.com. So I suggest getting as much details as possible before moving forward, especially if it's potentially risking a friendship.

Basically, this is an issue about the statute of limitations on penis/pucci. (CLICK HERE for the classic NWSO post on that topic.) If you're friend had physical relationships with this guy and things just didn't work out, depending on how deep things were he may be off the market—at least for a few a years if they were never "official" BF/GF. But if she truly has no feelings for dude and several years have passed, some could say he's fair game with her permission just as a courtesy. Like you said, you know her and don't know him so weigh the options of whether or not a new friend with benefits is worth risking a long-term friendship.

As for the whole issue of people claiming any and every person they've ever known as “off limits” that can be a bit impossible. We live in a day an age where we’re all are just a few FaceBook friends away of knowing each other. With that said, we'd all be off limits if we played by those rules. As long as the relationship you care about most is intact you're straight in my book.

Good luck.

Do you think it’s trifling to date someone your friend once had an interest in? Does it matter whether your friend was intimate with the person or not? What if the person you were interested in was your friend’s ex boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it more acceptable to date the ex of a friend if a good amount of years went by since they were together? Or are there certain lines that friends don’t cross? Would you give your blessing if a friend wanted to date an ex you didn’t care about? Do you think the friend in this letter has a right to cockblock on the writer pursuing this guy? Would you let a man/woman come between one of your friendships?

Speak your piece…

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Tagged as: cheater, cheating, dating, dating rules, rules of engagement, triflin'

GisforGiggles

I have to honestly say that it comes down to emotional intelligence on this topic.

I think everyone can remember the anguish of being in like/love with someone who didn't feel the same way about you ---now make it ten times worse by making this person date your best friend/or a family member.

Thus, if when I ask about the history a friend had with a former partner, and I can gauge that the person felt an emotional connection with the person---off limits to me. I wouldn't want it done to me, so I wouldn't do it to a friend.

And for the smart-ass counter comment, I say now:
It is my strong belief that the love of my life will not come to me through the pain of someone else I love
Elle

There are 6something billion people in this world. There really is no need whatsoever to date/mess with/ be intrigued by somebody your friend used to date/mess with/be in a relationship of sorts with. None. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Niente.

Besides, why would you even be interested in somebody your friend "had relations" with? Obviously things didn't work out for a reason. Why would he be any better for me? I don't get it.

Even if a guy was "just a guy" to her, chances are that if I was to bring him around my friend she would feel uncomfortable or some other kind of way. I'd never want to subject her to awkwardness.
My friendships have lasted 20 years thus far and no man on the face of the earth is worth jeopardizing that. Men are replaceable. My girls however are not.

Do you think it’s trifling to date someone your friend once had an interest in?
- Yep.

Does it matter whether your friend was intimate with the person or not?
- It doesn't.

What if the person you were interested in was your friend’s ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
- The minute a guy hits on one of my girls he becomes totally asexual to me. Like Mickie Mouse. I don't look at him as a "man" anymore but merely as a "human being of unspecified gender". So a guy who has been in a relationship with one of my girls over time becomes something like a brother. Who'd wanna mess with their brother? Yuck!

Is it more acceptable to date the ex of a friend if a good amount of years went by since they were together?
- No. Memories can't be deleted. If she has memories of that dude, he is off limits.

Would you give your blessing if a friend wanted to date an ex you didn’t care about?
- No.

Do you think the friend in this letter has a right to cockblock on the writer pursuing this guy?
- Absolutely. Personally, I do not look at it as "cockblocking". She feels uncomfortable about it and that's all her friend needs to know. I do not intentionally make my friends feel uncomfortable. Especially in such a scenario which is completely avoidable.

Would you let a man/woman come between one of your friendships?
- Never.
Rastaman

It's true that there are 6somehing billion people in the world but I am puzzled as to how that fact excludes someone from then dating a person once "involved" with a "friend". Women primarily are often lamenting the paucity of "good" men but apparently if I they have a crush, dated or had a relationship with such a man at any point along the line, "my friend" who I supposedly may love, trust and or care for is barred from any future involvement with said man. Unless I permit it!!

DANG!!

Now I understand more why some woman so vocally eschew the any female friends. In a small community for instance that rule my require one to relocate or be alone on order to keep their friends. Maybe there is "small community exception".
Does anyone have the rules committed to memory or written down?

I understand current associations should be off limits and even that one person with whom they had very close relationship in the last few years but everyone I crushed, dated or was involved with, for some of these ladies that could be large number of folks. Their friends must be pissed.

No truly decent person goes out targeting their friends' exes. The very emotional nature of relationships makes that type of behavior highly volatile. But some of these blanket coverages challenges rational thinking. Because I go back to the common lament of so many women of the lack of "good" men, one I tend to disagree with but if I understand this exclusivity rule correctly "even if they are great and we did not work out for whatever reason, as your friend I can pettily and selfishly deny you right to engage that person on any personal level for dating or related activities."

Thanks for looking out,I guess!
Maybe I need to re-read the "Friend Manual" again. Are there any other exclusive areas subject to my "friends" capricious whims?

In my world view, I look out for my friends, I warn them of potential dangers, I offer recommendations on things, places or people they express in which they express interest and I encourage them in pursuits that I think would be great for them. If one of those pursuits is a relationship with a great woman I once dated and we for whatever reason failed to meld, then "giddy up". If she was a bad person then i am going to tell you that too but I am never gonna tell you don't go there, "keep both eyes open" but never "U have no right".

I have never dated or "hooked up" with any of my close friends exes, not because of any allegiance but because my friends and I generally had different taste in women. I generally dated amazons and they dated petite women, but even if there was some possibility for that kind of interchange, I would seriously doubt I would exercise any exclusivity rules. Why stand in the way of anyone's prospective happiness.

I have dated women who have expressed that friendship rule and I dated another woman who said her and her friends re-cycled with "ex parties". It was funny though because she never really spoke glowingly about her girls, they were either hos, dumb, gold-diggers or a lot of other negative traits. Makes you wonder about people and their motives.

Imagine the kind of world we would live in if this type of exclusivity rules were applied to clothing, cars, jobs, children names, homes..dang what was i thinking, they are petty folks out here who already do that...sigh.

“There are three types of friends: those like food, without which you can't live; those like medicine, which you need occasionally; and those like an illness, which you never want.”
http://www.dashofreality.wordpress.com Dash

"Besides, why would you even be interested in somebody your friend “had relations” with? Obviously things didn’t work out for a reason. Why would he be any better for me? I don’t get it."

are you and your friend the exact same person? This doesn't make sense.

There are 6 bil people but as NWSO pointed out the woman he messed with ended being a good match for his friend. So what might not work for you may work for someone else.

I guess the dating your friend's ex has to judged case by case. If something was a fling, no biggie. If it was a 5 yr long relationship and you guys just broke up a month ago and your friend is trying to bag. No go.
Shannon

I don't think it's a big deal to date someone your friend once dated, regardless of how deep things got between them. As of the present, they are no longer together and he is on the market and available and if she is interested, then everything is a go.

I firmly believe that kind of thing has to do more with the whole idea that if you date someone your friend dated, maybe you were feeling this person while your friend was in it and while that may not have been the case, that is usually how some will see it.

I dated a guy back in high school and we hung out and remained tight for two and a half years, then broke up. My mother dated and eventually married this guy four years later and she got exactly what I got when I was with him; he was selfish and abusive and a philanderer and that was why I called things off, but what my mother saw was this guy took me out to nice dinners, spent money on me, gave me whatever I wanted and she told me she wanted that for herself. She now regrets marrying this man, for it was this man who eventually gave her HIV--I never slept with him; that's not my thing--and frequently beat her up and took money from her.

My sister had a boyfriend whom she was absolutely crazy about, but they broke up. I later found out he broke up with her because he wanted me. Knowing how my sister felt about him plus how he decided to handle things with her, I declined to date him, not wanting to hurt my sister, who was still in love with him. He pursued me for almost a year before moving on to meet another girl, later marrying her and my sister was devastated.

All I can say is weigh and judge this on its own merits. If I were to steer clear of all the men who were off limits, I would be one lonely woman and sometimes it's just unrealistic. Okay, things didn't work out between them; that's not your problem. A lot of it may have to do with your friend not wanting to see you happy together, seeing you get everything from this guy that she wanted and didn't get. Jealousy is usually the number one issue in situations like this. It's kind of like trying to get water out of a pump and not succeeding at it and once you walk away, someone else comes along and gets the water out right away because of all your hard work and effort; I got that once at the casino, when a woman had been playing the same machine for six hours and won nothing, but when she had to go get more change, I went up and put in my money and hit the jackpot for $1500 right away and she was pissed and kept saying I took her money. Did I take her money? In her mind I did. To your friend it's about the same. Sometimes it's hard to see someone you really cared about and even loved with someone else, especially a close friend, giving them all the things you wanted but claimed they couldn't or didn't want to give to you.

*Another reason I don't let things get physical; it just complicates everything later on if it doesn't work out.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Actually, my friends didn't work out in the long run, but they gave it a shot for a while and got a daughter out of it. They're both married to other people now with more kids.

#KanyeShrug
http://preciousmomentsbytmt.blogspot.com/ TiffNicky

I agree with GisforGiggles

I also agree with NWSO when he asks why would she trust some man she just met over her friend...unless she knows her friend to be a frequent embellisher (sp? word?) or liar, why would she start now. It seems like she's looking to justify her actions, and no one has to justify their actions when they don't subconsciously question them on their own.

I don't date exes of friends...haven't been attracted to them for many reasons. But, if I found myself approached and interested in someone a friend was dating I would have a crucial conversation. I value my relationships with my friends entirely too much to risk hurting one of them.

BUT, hear this...some people throw out the term friend a bit too losely. Be real about who is a friend, and who is not. That could clear up some of the conflicting views. Maybe you're not her friend afterall...
Terri

personally this sounds like you need to put all your cards out on the table with your friend and let her know what's up and see how she is feeling, then move from there.
RCTuri

Do you think it’s trifling to date someone your friend once had an interest in?

Yes!

Does it matter whether your friend was intimate with the person or not?

No!

What if the person you were interested in was your friend’s ex boyfriend/girlfriend?

Not happening!

Is it more acceptable to date the ex of a friend if a good amount of years went by since they were together?

No bueno.

Or are there certain lines that friends don’t cross?

Absolutely.

Would you give your blessing if a friend wanted to date an ex you didn’t care about?

Ex, no. Jump off or fling, yes.

Do you think the friend in this letter has a right to cockblock on the writer pursuing this guy?

I don't blame her for giving the heads up and forewarning. If she felt the need to do so, then it's a good enough reason.

Would you let a man/woman come between one of your friendships?

Hell no! Sisters before misters!

The only men in my life that are off limits right now to my friends are my ex husband, my brother, my crush, and my closest male friend. (Past exes too of course, but who knows where they're at anyway?)

Any passing fling is fair game to any of my friends though. But by the way we rock, we probably wouldn't want them either, not for anything serious at least.
bogart4017

There are a lot of gray areas here and its really going to depend on the people involved. However my feeling is this--i wouldnt mess with anyone my friend messed with any more than i would mess with a girl my brother has been with and it doesnt matter whether they've been intimate or not. If we all know each other then we travel in the same circles and that can get uncomfortable. Where i come from anyone violating is considered suspect. A twist on that is our old credo: never mess with your sister's friends or your friend's sister!
da ThRONe

This is my take. 1st people in personal relationships you should never give ultimatums. If she take's issue with them seeing each other it's ok to speak out ,but not to make demands.

2nd my rule of thumb is this if I had to point out a chick and tell my good friend about us then chances are what that person and I shared wasnt that serious or a good friend would know about them.

I would never want to get in the way of two people finding happiness. If I am over the situation and I no longer have intimate feeling for her then why would I expect a friend not to pursue her? Ofcourse everthings not cut and dry ,but for the most part if I moved on I moved on and if I havent I have bigger issues anyways.
Preach the comedian

Handcuffing (noun) han-cuf-ing: To unnessicarily keep a physical, mental, or emotional tie to a individual that you don’t have either the adequate history with or knowledge of.

now in all seriousness I would never prohibit my boy from messing with a 1time affair of mine. however anyting above the 1 time is not anything I would go for. Me personally im not into dudes in my crew having the same experience and juices from a woman. WAYYYY to many people in the world to meet and greet . Besides that goes against the CODE.
Rule 231 section A sub-paragraph 13 states “ Once one man has planted his flag and got serious with ..his friends are thereby prohibited from intimate knowledge of such lady”
You gotta be kinda foul or not really a friend to wanna get with a person your friend has dealt with… that shows all types of weakness of character to be honest… like what part of the game is that…that’s like taking your girlfriends best friend out to dinner …and your girlfriend doesn’t know…but hey everybody don’t live by the code and can keep THAT jerk that lives in all of us away…

Just my 1963 cents…
Mz. Ashley

I just don't get it. If that person and my friend did not work out, that is not to say me and him will not work out. The girl said in her letter that they had "something" YEARS ago. She also stated that the other chick dates alot. That right there would tell me in my mind....shoot, this was YEARS ago, it wasnt nothing SERIOUS, it was just "something", and the fact she dates a lot, then why should she be worried about someone years ago? Sounds like to me the other chick is hatin. Of course i get it that people are terriortal, but if me and my man didnt work out, and years later he wanted to hook up with one of my friends, so be it! We didnt work out, so why not give him another chance at love? I understand that some break-ups are bad, and not both parties wanted to be out of the relationship, but if years have gone by and you have found someone else, and them too...i dont see the problem.
da ThRONe

Like what Rastaman said. It's one thing to have a friend consistently piggy backing off of the action your getting. But if a good friend and some chick I barely know happens to meet in a different setting and click why would anybody have a problem with it? I would think he would be more offended that I was there before he was more than me being upset that he's there after.

I can understand a person whom you were in love with being off limits ,but some guy/girl you hardly knew being off limits thats too far. And for me once I'm over a chick she is fair game. I know any real friend would never go there anyways ,and if they so happen to do so more power to them. Love is way to monumental for me to stand in the way of it.
rwifey

......sigh...........
this topic makes me ..........sigh............ going thru something similar now, eff it. i'm smashin da homie
Tea

I was in a similar (kind of) situation, but I was the friend. There was a guy that I used to like back in college. He and I talked for a short period of time but it never turned into anything. Essentially, he wasn’t as interested in pursuing something serious with me as I was in him. All my closest friends knew about it all. Years later, he and one of these friends run into each other at a bar, chat, and exchange numbers. I don’t know what all else occurred but I know he did pay her a home visit at one point in time. When she revealed this to me, I was really upset. I told her she was thoughtless. Now, there was nothing bad I could actually say about him or his character that I could blame for feeling so negative about the thought of them linking up. I just felt betrayed by my friend.

Years later I can look at this and realize that it makes no logical sense. It was a purely emotional reaction. The question isn’t really why she would want to risk our friendship over him, but why I would want to end our friendship over something so petty in my life (him or what me and him “had”). At the time, I let her know I was hurt but I also took time to think about it and really, I was deflecting the negative feelings I had about me and him not working out onto her for fear that they might work out. I got over my emotions. My friend and I are still great friends to this day.

I agree with the folks who have said that if it was my friends ex-man (love) than of course he'd be off-limits. If it was someone she dated/talked to before we met (or vise versa) I don't think it should matter. If it someone she only casually "dated", it shouldn't matter. People casually date all the time and if you have a lot of female friends that date a lot, this would greatly reduce the man-option pool. We don't need that happening. lol.
Rastaman

This all reminds me of children who cry and throw tantrums when a parent would offer a toy they no longer favored or was not using to another child. The mere thought that the other child would get some pleasure from it would send them up the wall. Seems some grown folks have graduated that to their friends and any one they liked or dated.
@Tea
Its wonderful that you are reflective enough to figure out that the fault was not in your friend or the guy but in you. a little introspection goes a long way.
http://www.AfricaHannibal.com Africa Hannibal

I live in Brooklyn and to be frank, everyone knows each other or knows someone through someone. I cannot expect not to meet someone who has not had some sort of interaction with someone I know or knew at a different point in time in life especially when it comes to dating in NYC. Now the only time that this might be an issue is if the person is still harboring friends for the person that you could potentially have a relationship with. Half the time it is more about pride and being territorial that causes people to feel some type of way or what is it about him/her that wasn't good about me that makes people insecure. People should be able to date whoever they want and the friend should be able to accept that the relationship is dead and that her friend has a chance to be with someone that she is compatible with.
Preach the comedian

no diss but the analogy doesn't really work...if it's a REAL friend they wouldn't go after what u had..thy wouldn't eat after you...now a acquanitance or a female I very very casually dated ..I wouldn't care but if my crew had a dude that did that we would question buddies character ... U just don't do it. It it's a casual dating thts one thing but somebody u were serious with .. That'll get u killed where I'm from...seen it way tooooo much...
Jaclyn

My take on is that me personally I wouldn’t like to date or get serious w/somebody my girl dated seriously or had sex with. But that's me and my territorial side. As far as my girls dating an ex or what ever of mine...i dont have a problem w/it. When i'm done w/someone I'm done. If your ok that i know your man intimately then that's on you. I cant really think of any guy I would forbid any of my girls from dating. I'm not their owner, so to each their own. I've never had it happen and most of my girls feel the same way I do. I dont want to be where you've been...its just weird.
R.e.D

I think it boils down to the friend's feelings about the man. If your friend still has feelings for the guy (even if he has none for her),then that is a little tricky, so maybe it is best that you keep away.

I have never dated any guy a friend of mine has ever been with, however, I do not use the term 'friend' loosely. I have surely had relationships w/ exes of women that I knew, but those chicks weren't my FRIENDS, so it was all good; at least for me. Basically you have to separate ppl you know/acquaintances from true friends. And if she is indeed a true friend, then you should have remembered this guy she seriously dated/was in love with or still has feelings for. If they just went out a time or two, there shouldn't be a problem. So unless there is more to this story, I am not sure why she is demanding that you not see this guy. Perhaps your friend is just one of those dramatic women, but then again, you must know her.

As for the guy, as NWSO said, men usually down play what happened between them and a female.. what else is he supposed to do if he is trying to get at you? But in the guy's defense, men and women think so differently, he may have thought it was nothing really and she may have considered him something big.

NWSO I see u went back to the old format...
Tancy

I think women overeact when it comes to this, whether you had serious feelings for the guy or not doesn't matter, what matters is reality. The reality is that you and the said guy are not together anymore.

If the guy was jerk, and he treated you like bad (if you are any typical female - all your friends would know about it), if any of them got with him that's there business. This is how I genuinely feel.

If the guy was an absolute gem on the otherhand, and it just didn't work out, I think there is nothing wrong with a friend getting with the guy once the wounds are healed to the point that you know you're not getting back with him, and are dating new people. I say this because, in life we can't always get what we want, why do we try and control others, it's like the horror of the sorority-type friendships.

I personally will try my best not to become involved with a guy my friend liked, but I have a few friends that I don't agree with the way they are with men, and unfortunately this means that not necessarily am I doubting my friend's word, it means that we are very different, and I am weak, and do tend to believe that 'things will be different with me'.

I have known my friends for ages now, I accept their flaws and their strengths too, and I know some of them are horrible and controlling in relationships, and sometimes I can understand why the guy left them.

If he's a great guy, and I find out later in life that we have this on going chemistry, I will go for it. Sorry sistahs :p
lola289

good advice nwso!

I think that a friend shouldn't threaten another friend w/ destroying their relationship over a dude. She should explain at least SOME of the reasons why he's no good. Life goes on and Ans' example was the perfect answer to the problem.
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

Yeah, the new system was acting glitchy past 2 weeks and wasn't letting all mobile comments through. They were taking to long to address the issue so I said F it. "I want that ollldd thing back..." Lol
Island Diva

I had a situation where a female friend I met 2 yrs ago mentioned she was hanging out with a "friend" who was not her type supposedly and completely platonic. They stopped talking about a year into our friendship and we had gotten pretty close.

The tides turned when he hit me up on Facebook asking to take me out. I mentioned it to my girlfriend and her sister as we are a bit of a crew. Supposedly it wasn't a big deal so the guy and I went on a date.

Next thing you know it's world war 3! The sisters are livid that he's the ex boyfriend and I'm a superhoe for going on the date. Both maintain they never shared a kiss or sex but somehow to the girls I was so so wrong! But I asked and she said it was cool. I broke the "code"? Gimme a break. She says to this day she didn't want him, never claimed him as her boyfriend, kept her outtings with him a secret back in the day now I'm wrong??? Then to top it off they got super messy, spread it all over town that I was allegedly sleeping with him for months and overlapping with my previous relationship causing drama with my ex! WTF?

So my conclusion - the world is too small to write off any potential mate who one of your girls considered but nixed. If they deny like Peter denied Jesus over and over plus admit nothing physical happened suppose he's the one for you and they weren't a match? I say- unless you hit it - he's up for grabs. If you say you don't want him and you're incompatible - he's up for grabs. If she hit it back in the day but it was a booty call and she was never into him -- he's up for grabs. If it was a relationship - you are wrong as hell for even being interested and probably were lusting for him while she was with him #fail. If you have a bunch of #thirstyass friends who got a crush on everybody and sleep with everybody and get mad everytime- get some new friends. Their attitude could be stopping some fabulous love connections.

Me and him are doing real well and we are really digging each other. All the fallacies she said she hated I love about him. Our friendship hasn't recovered from her deplorable actions and I'm sure if he and I continue seeing each other and she finds out she'll go ballistic. So far though he's been worth it!
lola289

Some people (women)need to move on...
She prolly wants what you have w/ 'him'.
Instead of moving forward and cutting ties she is hating BIG time.
Tea

That's crazy. That reminds me of a situation where my friend introduced me to a guy she knew from college during a business meeting between the three of us. After we all parted, he hits her up and starts telling her that he's feeling me, etc. He tries to figure out from her if I'm cool and if he should ask for my number. She tells me all this and tells me he's good people, so I'm like, cool--he seemed nice, tell him to hit me up. She gives him my #. He hits me up and we hit it off.

Then, like you said WWIII breaks out with me and my friend. I'm feel caught in a whirlwind wondering WTF just happened! Come to find out, she had been feeling him for a long time. Was I supposed to know this?????? Even beyond that, why would she do the "match making" between me (her friend) and a guy that she had feelings for?

That situation still pisses me off because the friendship has never recovered completly. I think I need guy friends. lol.
Rastaman

Further supporting my point that this view is infantile and immature. I can't have him or her but I am gonna damn sure make certain it does not happen for you, "my friend".
candace

I really like the whole sisterhood thing ...it's kinda cute

Do you think it’s trifling to date someone your friend once had an interest in?
Not necessarly it really depends on the way things happen. Honesty, time, emotional content of the relationship, seriousness of relationship, maturity......are some of the relevant factor to be considered also is that fact that these two friends might be really interested in each other and not just playing around...

I would not personnally get involved with anybody my friends dated, had a thing with....just because of the X-factor thing that is already complicated....with a close friend in the picture as well... headaches .... headaches....well never say never I would try really hard

There is no-ex for whom i still hold even a minor flame for or a sense of ownership - that exclude current guy obviously. So if a girlfriend wants to try ...well who am I to stand between them and possible hapiness? It might suck for a time but even if it did, I'm sure I can get over it, especially if they work out...it would mean it was for the best...I would make sure to tell her though not if she should go for it...that's not my business, but about any character/behaviour fault I know off..still people change....basically for me at least the number one factor is time

Does it matter whether your friend was intimate with the person or not? Yes I can only speak for me..If we were intimate he meant something... but would not stand in the way anyway..I would probably be uncomfortable for a while...

What if the person you were interested in was your friend’s ex boyfriend/girlfriend? I would probably be uncomfortable for a LONG while...If they are happy then our friendship might change. If I can't be a close friend friend anymore then I can still be a good friend and give them the space they need to build something...

Is it more acceptable to date the ex of a friend if a good amount of years went by since they were together? It sure would be easier

Or are there certain lines that friends don’t cross? Yes, don't try to make each other less happy with our ego trips is one of them

Would you give your blessing if a friend wanted to date an ex you didn’t care about? Blessing is a big word...not really my place to give permission .. I think....

Do you think the friend in this letter has a right to cockblock on the writer pursuing this guy? No ... they had something..nothing serious some time ago? Nothing official Come on..I do understand her uneasiness

Would you let a man/woman come between one of your friendships? That is a though on...I have to be honest and I would say yes because it hapenned recently and I guess it depends on how strongly I feel about the potential of the relationship...as long as I behave honorably obviously ..some girlfriends really like to get involved in others life, creating drama where there is none... I keep my dating life private...even from close close girlfriends..actually it is sometimes more helpful to talk about it with friends that are guys ... for me anyway
Jane

As a girl if I have still have feelings for an ex and a girlfriend of mine start dating him, no matter what he says of our past relationship, it will hurt.
Out of the 6 guys I have had feelings for in my life, I wouldn't care if the first 4 went out with one of my friends.
But it would be unbearable for the last 2. Even it has been over for 2 years. That's just how it is!
candace

"no matter what he says of our past relationship. it will hurt."
He does not have to say anything about your past relationship. The fact is that it is over no?
I did not say it would not hurt, I said I do not believe it is my place to allow or not allow 2 individuals to be together.
"But it would be unbearable for the last 2. Even it has been over for 2 years" We don't really get choice in the matter of timing.... I think. Difficult yes, unbearable? It is really not cancer
Elle

Actually yes, my friends and I are almost the same person. Sounds weird to you I am sure. But those ladies have been my friends for decades and we've become similar to a point where it is spooky. Twinlike.

While it may make no sense to you, it makes perfect sense to me and my girls.

Besides I never said everyone has to share my views. Like you pointed out: whatever works for people. For me, recycling dudes doesn't work and will never work.
Elle

I can't speak for folks who live in a small community. Personally, I live in a city with 4 mill people (if not more counting the illegal immigrants and commuters). Dating recycled men is simply not necessary.

Also, this lack of good men/women is an urban myth. There are tons of them but not each and every one may be good for the individual person. I could be the greatest woman of all times to one guy and be the bitch from hell in the eyes of the next man. Being a good man or woman in the eyes of other people is situational. We're all good and bad depending on the time, place and person.

I never claimed that my views are rules in a "Friend Manual" as you put it. They are simply my and my friends views. Whatever works for us, right? And this works for us.

Besides, we're not big on dating. We have relationships which usually last 2+ years. In between not much goes on as far as going on dates with random guys who don't mean anything. Ergo: there really are no men who are meaningless parts of our histories.
Elle

As someone has pointed out, we might need a definition of "friend".

Some of these stories sound rather like acquaintances were involved, not friends. Honestly, I could care less about an acquaintance's ex. But FRIENDS' ex's are off limits no matter what. If I am willing to kill, die or give up a kidney for a person, you're my friend. In any other case, you're just an acquaintance.
Jane

I understand that when you meet someone special, you don't want to let it go just because the man is supposedly 'off limit'.
So I'd say if he is really likely to be 'the one', it is ok to go for it. If he's not, it would be silly to endanger a frendship just for a short relationship..
torontosaar

girl why must you seperate illegal immigrants from people already live in your city? just say theres 4 milli ppl in your city and counting, people are people. sheesh
mouth

You STAY calling something out. I STAY picking MVP's. Go.
CeceNichole

Do you think it’s trifling to date someone your friend once had an interest in?
No I don't and if they aren't together what is the big deal?

Does it matter whether your friend was intimate with the person or not?
Only if they have the emotional maturity of a scone.
What if the person you were interested in was your friend’s ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
He's their ex for a reason...one woman's ex is another woman's treasure.
Is it more acceptable to date the ex of a friend if a good amount of years went by since they were together?
I think it's acceptable either way.
Or are there certain lines that friends don’t cross?
*side eye*
Would you give your blessing if a friend wanted to date an ex you didn’t care about?
Sure would.
Do you think the friend in this letter has a right to cockblock on the writer pursuing this guy?
No she doesn't and is immature.
Would you let a man/woman come between one of your friendships?
I have lost a friend over a man that they both agreed that they had nothing but a physical relationship and it had been months before I met him. There is this unspoken girl code where if a chick has ever talked to a man he is off limits and I don't buy that.
EbonyLolita

Stay away from this.... it's not worth it. I don't care about the milliion and one stories bout finding true love. I don't wanna lose a friend ova some foolishness like this. No matter WHAT type of relationship you had w/the person *JustSex/BF&&GF/Engaged* it was a relationship where emotions and time was shared. It's personal to YOU and The other person. WHY DA HELL would you wanna get hang time w/ya friend's ex. I think this is mainly towards women b/c women act as if they're NO fish in the rahtid sea and they gotta have it.
More often then not the men benefit from a new sex partner and that's the only thing that's initially on their main and their concern.
Be like Christopher Columbus and go exploring into new territory. Leave ya friend's ole fixins alone. Trust even if someone say "It's ok" they'll harbor ill will towards you b/c it shows a lack of character.
IT's never that serious. 99% of relationships DON'T WORK. My stats are correct b/c IF you're lucky you end up with ONE person. So...... G'luck w/that

EbonyLolita
EbonyLolita

*SP* initially on their mind
Sowee
Kay Bee!

Men dont care about petty bull-isht like this, so why do women? I dont care. If any of my girls want to date someone that I smashed or went out on a date with,.... go right ahead. Once Im done,... Im usually done. There is only 1 person that I would feel some kind of way about. Other than he who must not be named, its all fair game. I have a girl who has a child by an ex. Too bad for her though, because he is now married to another of our friends. Ha!
Worldwind

"One man's garbage is another man's gold"...I think it all depends on the opinions the friend is expressing in the idea of an ex dating their friend. Personally if she/he has moved on and is happy with her life why should it matter. Sometimes women tend to want their friends to be just as unhappy as they are and would hate to see their ex treat their friends better than them. Not all people are met to be together and yes admittedly the world is large, but at the same time the world is small and you will come across folks who know folks, who know folks and so on. Don't get me wrong if I have an ex that I really cared for but for obvious reasons it didn't work out, then hey if my friend feels she can be happy than go ahead. We all want to be happy. Maybe in the end they will realize, oh this is why they broke up in the first place.

Do you think it’s trifling to date someone your friend once had an interest in? No, it truly all depends on what they had in the past.

Does it matter whether your friend was intimate with the person or not? I think it would, especially if a kid exists.

What if the person you were interested in was your friend’s ex boyfriend/girlfriend? No

Is it more acceptable to date the ex of a friend if a good amount of years went by since they were together? Yes

Or are there certain lines that friends don’t cross? It depends are the friendship itself, rather divorce, kids, etc were involved. You just have to be careful with the information you decided to share with your friends over time.

Would you give your blessing if a friend wanted to date an ex you didn’t care about? Yes

Do you think the friend in this letter has a right to cockblock on the writer pursuing this guy? No. It sounds like there is a little of unhappiness underlying the issues she has with her friend dating the ex.

Would you let a man/woman come between one of your friendships? No
WendyK

HA!! This is a late response, but I was actually thinking the exact same thing, rwifey! I've already smashed the homie and three months in, were are getting close to being serious.

I was totally against getting to know this guy on a romantic level and only entertained his friendly advances because we made each other laugh so much. Eventually, we couldn't deny the chemistry that we had developed and how open/honest were from the jump. This situation is beyond complicated; besides the drama of him having dated a woman I once considered a good friend, we also live in different cities. He lives in my hometown (a major big city) and I was planning on moving back at some point long before he came along.

We actually have an interesting past: we attended the same high school and later our parents worked very close together for a few years. He unfortunately lost both of his parents tragically (separate incidences) last year and is a single father of an adorable 5 year old girl. He's an awesome person and we've grown to care for each other deeply rather quick. Because this is still pretty new and we both lived pretty (over-)active dating lifestyles prior to dating each other, we both still openly see other people. But from our conversations within the past month, I can honestly say that I know the time is coming for us both to trust each other enough to become exclusive.

I believe this is due in part to us agreeing not to sleep with each other the last time he came to visit me (which was our second weekend spending quality face-time since first "remeeting" the previous month). We even spoke about waiting until we were engaged to have sex again just to prove to each other that we were serious and focus on building a real foundation. Hell, we already know we have the physical part down! I've never felt this way about ANYONE and have never felt that my feelings were truly reciprocated until now.

The only issue that remains is that neither one of us have told my friend about our relationship. I've tried several times to talk to her, but I am starting to realize that the value I had on our friendship was a bit off.

Before my guy and I even began speaking, I knew for years this chick was selfish and shallow. She's fun and can be sweet, but EVERYTHING was about her and her image and her happiness and her drama. These are actually the same reasons why he became turned off by her and (slowly) ended their relationship earlier this year. Yes, this year. Due to her shadiness, the priority that I've given to my new relationship, I've decided that I am not going to chase this chick just to tell her that I'm dating her pseudo-ex-boyfriend. Pseudo-ex is his title because it is well known that what they had was never that serious but she blew it up to be bigger than it was...she was in love with the idea.

I did manage to speak to her last week and she mentioned she has been "boo'd up" with someone else. But before I could even talk about myself, she said she was tired and would call me back. She never did. I contacted her again on Facebook chat and again she blew me off. To me that was the last of my attempts to update her.

So would you still say that I'm foul? What would you do in this complicated situation?

I know that this man makes me happy, even from many miles away. I know he is looking for a mate, as am I. He tells me how special I am and I know he is thinking about about the next step. Not a day has gone by for three months that I haven't heard from him. I am open to seeing where this relationship goes. However, I will not be fully committed until I know he is no longer dating anyone else and has cut the others out.
WendyK

I hope my friend will be as mature as you. Though we may not be best-friends and despite our differences, she is still someone I want to remain in my life. I just want to do the right thing by everyone.
Delisa Smith

I have personally always made my friends' ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers, ex-flings, off limits. I just have no desire to date someone that has been involved with a female friend or family member of mine. Period. I met a guy once and he had dated, slept with, my first cousin, who I happened to resemble more than her own sister. I didn't know they had been involved, but he did. I just happened to find out during a casual conversation. Thank goodness I like to get to know people first and as a result, that was then end of that, In addition, he lied by omission.
Haylee

Personally, I would have no interest in someone that has dated one of my friends. In my opinion, its just a boundary that should not be crossed. I value my friendships more than I value someone that I just met who ultimately things may not even work out with.
With that being said, I would like to share of a similar experience that I had with an ex of mine and my very best friend.
I was dating this guy, 'F' for about six months and although things were not that serious between us (meaning we never discussed commitment, but slept with eachother and dated no one else- we had keys to eachother's homes), I was furious to know that a month or so after breaking up with him, my childhood BEST friend was not only dating him but became pregnant by him!

This is making me mad all over again...

Anyway, I broke up with him because he was not a go getter. He had no real ambitions, no job, no desire to continue his education... nothing. In my book, he was a loser. At the time, I was a single mother of a 2 year old. Who was in college, working full time and taking great care of my responsibilities. So I told him that I didnt want to be with him anymore.

I moved to a different city but still frequented my old neighborhood- hometown and visited my 'best friend' quite often. During one of my visits, I noticed that she was gaining a lot of weight and asked her if she was pregnant. At the time, I had heard rumors of her dating him but was in denial- thinking my best friend would not date someone that I had dated, slept with, and had a relationship with. She laughed it off and said, 'No, I think Im just gaining a little weight. Time for a diet.' I took her word and just brushed it off. She soon started avoiding me and not answering my calls. I just figured she was busy and didnt press the issue.

Months later she admitted to me that she had had a relationship with 'F' and was having his baby in about a month. She figured since I thought he was such a loser, I wouldnt care.

The truth is, had she told me before that she was interested in him, I wouldve warned her about him and let her make her mistake if she still wanted to be with him.
I was hurt though by her lying to me, sneaking around with him behind my back and making me look like a fool. His betrayel didnt bother me as much- what can you expect from a loser anyway. But She was not only my oldest and closest friend, she was like my sister. Its one thing to date him and be attracted to him, but you carried on a whole relationship with him behind my back. That in itself is very deceitful and in my opinion, proved that she is not trustworthy.

I tried to continue our friendship after the fact, she is my son's Godmother also. But ultimately, I didnt trust her and eventually our friendship ended. It saddens me that a 20 year friendship ended, but in the end, everything happens for a reason.

My 'Best Friend' is now a single mother, on welfare, with numerous 'baby daddies'. So karma was not kind to her.
Stephie

This has so many quality responses!
So many great view points...it hasn't given me a solid "answer" but has helped me in justifying that my feelings are not singular...that I am not the only one to feel these things. That in itself is calming.

There are so many angles for each situation. It's not just a black and white topic.
I feel kinda relieved that I can put some names to the many emotions that I have been wrestling with in my head. Whew!

I have a friend that is now in a very quick, "serious" relationship with an ex fling/intimate partner of mine. It started innocently enough with her asking if I minded her hanging with this guy...a motorcycle ride. I said not a problem...but as I quickly noticed this was not a casual thing. That it was developing into more and FAST...and that part was umm icky to me.

To have a friend, one closer than a sister, to be with someone that I have been intimate with...had crushy feelings for...ewww. I would never do that!

But on the other hand, that fling was a long time ago now, and I do want her to be happy. I wish her all the best for all the time...but I just keep coming back to the icky...

I tried to tell her my view, my side of things. I wanted to try to understand my reactions...but I don't think that conversation has gone very well.

I was looking to this site to get some other view points. Most seem to be an episode by episode reaction. I just know that I wouldn't put myself in that situation, because I try to "put the other shoe on" and I know it would not feel too nice...ugh! I never expected a close friend to do it to me...

Oh well...I don't want to loose a long friendship for a fling that was never a "love". I hope that things sort out soon!

Should I attempt to bring the subject up again or let her come to me now?
http://nwso.net/ NWSO

The answer to that question really depends on how much of an issue it is. More than likely she doesn't feel like she's done anything wrong so there's nothing for her to bring up, but if you feel there's some grey area and something you need to address to move on with friendship (or away from it) then that's on you to resolve. Doesn't have to be aggressive can just be "hey, I just wanted to talk to you about XYZ so we can move on and not have this elephant in the room that we're trying to ignore."

But if you feel that too much time has gone by and there's not really any issues then there really isn't anything left to discuss.
Stephie

Thanks.
I tend to agree with you, that she feels she has no responsibility in the matter, that she has done nothing wrong.
The only thing she has really said on the matter is that I had said it was fine...to go on the motorcycle ride together!

I guess I will see. It really has only been a couple of weeks.

I know that most of my hurt would come from her casually and quickly dismissing me and our friendship for this new budding romance. That would be a worse case scenario.
Tejan

People who cannot let go of their ex are, well, bitter and not very mature. Plus they have the whole idea of "owning" someone mindset. They not only think they own their ex, but they think they own you as a friend and can prevent you from doing whatever makes you happy. It is a selfish act of an immature person who prevents their friends from going out with their ex without good reason. If there is a reason, she should say so (i.e. he is a psycho, or he cheats, or he is abusive, etc.). But if it is just because he was hers first, that is not an acceptable reason.
Stephie

Whoa Tejan! Thems are some pretty harsh and angry statements directed at people that you do not know. Maybe you are reacting to just me or maybe you have, as I did, read each entry above and made an educated entry of your own, and just “replied” to mine?

It seems that the flip side to your statement may be that these “friends” that think snagging someone’s left-over’s, and putting their own happiness before a close friend’s feelings, and by disregarding that their own actions may very well cause others harm, are selfish too.

I was not trying to convey any ownership of either my friends or ex. I simply wanted to communicate that I felt “not right” about it, and that the thought of my friend being intimate with a person that I already have been with, made me uncomfortable. I do apologize if that portrayed itself as ownership.

I was expressing my feelings in the hopes that I could reach a suitable resolution to an uncomfortable situation. Because I am sure that, her knowing that I have already been with her new boyfriend before her would make for some awkwardness when we all hang out. I was attempting to deal with the Elephant in the Room.

I was also hoping to avoid any immaturity by tackling the issue right away before it could fester into something ugly. However, maybe I need to lie to my friends’ face and pretend that all is well, and be uncomfortable on my own to be the “bigger” person? Would that be a better course of action?
Tejan

Sorry for the confusion. I was not responding to you. I was just saying in general. It was a bit harsh, I must admit though.